Author: jme71te

I am FINALLY feeling like myself again….still have bouts of being tired but can actually function now.

If it wasn’t for my huge scars I would actually forget that I had a lumpectomy…

Like everyone right now….I get cranky when we go out to eat so now we do everything in our power to not do that. So I packed a lunch and much to the delight of our teen daughter we left her and her friend at home and headed to the Bird Refuge.

It sounds like we are both 100 years of age but sometimes when life just doesn’t make sense…some fresh (albeit be very cold) air just makes everything seem bearable.

The ducks and the swans and even a few coyotes )thankfully we did not see any National Geographic moments ourselves). We ate lunch in our car while watching the birds and ducks fly around. I feel that all of us are starting to move back to the days of making lunch and snacks and packing a cooler like we did back in the 80s. Since I am the one packing…I am here for it.

My husband bought me this shirt….and I feel there isn’t anything more true.

I can’t go fishing or camping right now…so I feel a drive through the Bird Sanctuary was a lovely idea!

I am off to take a power nap with two dogs laying beside me….and I am not mad about it!!!

I don’t remember the age I was when I figured out I was funny…but I remember it felt like my super power.

I wasn’t a good student…I did love creative writing, drama, journalism, and piano….I was really good at piano. I enjoyed cheerleading but certainly wasn’t amazing at it…I was ok…I was reliable…I was little and tiny and sometimes that’s half the battle….but where I really shined was humor.

I was sent to the office for talking all the time. I frustrated my accounting teacher so much he sent me to the office with all the boxes checked….my principals wife was laughing…just the way I like it.

Speed ahead 30 years….and it’s still my super power….but lately….I don’t feel funny. I feel tired….dark…and strangely done. I find myself wanting to hide in quiet hobbies….my favorite thing to do clowning….I now don’t know if I feel the strength. The world seems scarier….darker…and I feel so very duped. I just wanted to grow up to have the freedom to jump on the bed (ok, not really) and now I don’t want to. I realize that that is called maturity….but I just feel so very very lost.

I’ve always been one to keep going….stay strong….but now I am like…why bother? I am in this hole that I cannot seem to get out of. I hear people yelling my name but I just want to sleep……

I know that many of us find strength in numbers….but what if your numbers don’t show up? What if the numbers that do live far away? What if they can’t reach you in time? Those near you don’t see you….

I’ve never realized until the last several days how empty certain phrases sound….and I al so guilty of saying them myself.

We say: Praying for you….and that’s it. We say “let me know if you need anything.” But ya know they are never going to call….we don’t call or text or send a card because we feel everyone else will….and then they don’t….and then “you” feel like you must be the worst person alive because absolutely no one is reaching for your hand…..maybe three people besides your immediate family….but that is it!

How do you work your way back after that? I’m racking my brain trying to figure it out….and for right now….I find my serenity in fuzzy pajamas, chocolate and the solitude of home….new garden projects, and my dogs who think I am the queen.

I should be mature enough to set expectations ridiculously low and I am mad at myself for not doing so…but I think we all think that the world perceives us differently than it indeed does. I think we look at ourselves way higher than we should.

For me, it’s been a lesson to realize how I l ow I’ve made others feel less then….not seen….forgotten..:and not cared about. I’ve not looked at ways to help, I have been too involved in my own life to be able to help others. It has caused me time to reflect on what I do to help make the world a better place….and I think that I have a lot of work to do.

I think a lot of us get up and work hard and then when trials come and people treat us in a way that doesn’t make us feel worthwhile we blame it on the cause of “this is why I stay away.

I am not sure where we go from here….I am stuck. I’m stuck because ordinarily I would just call and make clowning appointments because for the last seventeen years that is what I’ve always done../:but today I came home after working a five hour day and took a 30 minute nap….so I don’t think I will be clowning anytime soon. This time last year we were traveling….and that changed my perspective but I can’t do that either…..

So for today…I wait for the sun to shine….I wait to be rescued….I wait to find the humor in life again….I know it will come again.

Tomorrow I will be at two weeks since my Lumpectomy surgery and lymph node removal…and can I say….it sucks. I envisioned a few days where it would be rough but I never thought I would be this tired.

Yesterday and today I have been so ridiculously tired that the only accomplishment I have made is crying watching all the tik toks of horrible people that exist in this world.

I had dreams of reading books and being so amazing at getting things done but the problem with that is you feel horrible so there isn’t a lot of productive things you do.

However, I did erase some pictures on my phone and some emails….I did research on container gardens and hopefully by this Thursday I can do something with it….

I have shopped for Easter and clothes…and even ordered a birthday cake for my daughter for her May birthday…

I can’t plan trips…because I am not sure when radiation starts or how long it will be…I can’t plan clowning events for the same reason….

I have a million projects I would like to do but my body won’t let me….and that is frustrating.

I have done research on my cancer and joined groups for ladies with the specific type that I have and have found it to be very encouraging. I have sent way to many tik toks to my son and friends…

I have been surprised and saddened and encouraged by friends that showed up and surprised by those that did not. I have realized that in order to be helped sometimes you have to ask…and those are things I am really terrible at. I am learning constantly how to do that better. As a true Gen X this is foreign territory for me….we just never did.

Back in 2011 I had a hairline fracture on my left leg up towards my femur….this fracture occurred during a 5K race. I did not stop…after my orthopedic surgeon yelled at me my husband left the room to use the restroom and the orthopedic surgeon said to me…”yeah, I would have done the same.” thanks buddy, appreciate your help 🥴 He then told me that if I could stay off of it for six weeks he would not put it in a cast….and that was the longest six weeks ever….

I do not sit well….this feels like watching paint dry….and I am over it.

I think the hardest part about cancer is the wait….

Biopsy….wait for the news. Genetic testing….wait for the news. Surgery…wait for the pathology report…Healing…then wait to see the surgeon then wait to meet with oncologist…then wait to start medication…then wait to start radiation…and everything is done at the speed of spit.

Meanwhile, nothing can be planned…and everyone else moves on….and you are stuck in one place watching life move forward….while you wait. Trying to be involved in the events of your children and husband while standing in the same place praying that soon you can move from your space…

There are not enough breast cancer blankets or flowers or pink t shirts they make the waiting in your square any easier….but it does make you feel loved while you wait in the square.

When this is over I have grand plans….but for now I wait not patiently….in my square…waiting to move to the next level…

Today, my new book vase is making me happy….and for today that is enough.

Yesterday I ended up having to work the entire day. We were very busy and by the time we went home I was exhausted. Today, I felt much more like myself. I got up and ran some errands, got my daughter from work and then my husband and I went to a place I have never been.

I haven’t been anywhere really for over a week….and I’m not even a fan of Reuben sandwiches but this Reuben was the best I have ever had. My absolute favorite thing is to find hole in the wall places that are quirky and have amazing food. This place definitely fit the bill.

We then went to get some coffee at one of our local favorite coffee shops….

We then went car shopping because we have this on our radar…..I am aware that this sounds like the most boring weekend in the world….but when for the last month you have had three procedures and one surgery…it felt like the most amazing day ever.

I have had dark days….it is hard to go through this….and I have learned who has my back and who doesn’t.

Twenty three years ago my first husband died in a car accident. At the time my son was two. I was dealing with the shock…and I simply will spare you the details of what transpired at his funeral but it was basically LifeTime material.

There are a few things I remember….my friend who picked out my clothes to wear and my sons and ironed them. She asked me when I had eaten and reminded to do so. She helped me pick out music….she intervened on my behalf in an event that no one should ever have to do. I have another friend who is no longer this side of heaven, and he and his wife were at the funeral….and there were some shenanigans goin on and I remember him looking at me….like….are you good? Do you want me to intervene? I remember my friends taking my son to the pumpkin patch….I remember people coming with Christmas cookies for my son to decorate..

This time i had a friend bring a huge dinner because she wanted us to have enough food to get through the weekend. I had a friend send me pajamas that button up that were so soft. Clown friends that sent me packages to make me smile, and special lotion to help through radiation. I have been sent cards, received texts and flowers from my kids, help with bandage changes …and a fun shirt to wear first day of radiation. I will not forget those who helped.

I will never ask for help or for dinner….and those that know me well know that. If you know me…you know to just do it.

These are things that I am trying to remember:

1. Never tell someone to let you know if they need something…..

2. Do NOT assume someone else is taking care of it.

3. Just because it is not life threatening does not mean it is not scary…:

Everyone likes to feel they are loved and appreciated especially when they are dealing with terrifying news

I know that I will change how I treat others

February 6th,2023. I decided to be a big girl and go to the doctor. Last year was a crazy whirlwind of travel and work and cleaning house within our business so my hours were long, and there was no time for the doctor. So, I met with her and we scheduled all the tests…and I told her I would like to do the mammogram and Pap smear and all the things in April….because I have a lot going on….and she said ok! Then the nurse came back in and had scheduled a mammogram for me for February 13th….which I was like….that’s not April! I scheduled it early…I wanted to get a lot of things done that day….with the next day being Valentine’s Day I needed to hustle.

February 13th arrived, I showed up for my mammogram and it went as well as ever….the nurse asked me before leaving if I have ever had an abnormal mammogram and I told her just once and then I went about my day….and decided to walk my dog on that glorious sunny day. In the middle of the walk, phone rang and they wanted me to come back for another “look”. That’s happened once before so I wasn’t too super scared….just uneasy….

Back I went and this time they used flatter panels. I have very small and very dense breasts so the technicians have to work very hard to get what they want….I waited about 15 minutes and she came back and told me that they wanted a biopsy that week…so a few days later in I went. Before I go further, I need you to know that the nurses that work at the Breast Center are the most amazing nurses on the planet. They are sweet and kind and they do their best to tell you exactly what is going to be happening next. They deserved to be paid well and treated with respect. They are literally holding your hand as you do the scariest things you have ever done in your life.

So, February 15th I arrived for my Biopsy….some women have gone through this with ease….my nurse later told me that many women have the same experience that I did…we are all different….we all have different experiences.

The biopsy starts with them numbing you…with a very long needle that I didn’t look at…I imagine it to be very long…he numbs you several times….and then this long needle is in your boob and takes about 5-7 minutes for them to get the samples they need while the machine is making this very loud noise….for me they also were putting in a marker so they could watch that spot from now on….the test ended with my hands going numb…the doctor himself getting me to quit bleeding and the nurse getting me water and a cold washcloth because they both thought I was going to faint….after that….I quit bleeding…she needs some more pictures….and the gravity of the situation dawned on me. As I sat there…bloody, tears going down my face…half disrobed….the emotions that came over me….and I wanted to run….but knew I couldn’t…and here comes my cheerleader…my nurse…you are almost done….hold your breath….good job…you are doing great….

I went home….slept and was in a lot of pain for about four days….and then received the call that I indeed have cancer. I have ductal carcinoma in SITU….which basically means they caught it early….my prognosis is very good.

We met with the surgeon on February 20th, he looked at the bruising and swelling and decided to wait until March 6th which we would then do a lumpectomy and a biopsy on lymph nodes to make sure it hasn’t spread. He also wanted me to do a genetic test…if the genetic test came back positive that would mean that I would need a double mastectomy…

The genetic test simply means you spit into this little tube a million times…thankfully the nurse let me spit alone. Also, I now have what they call the “surgical arm” my left arm can’t have blood or blood pressure taken from it ever again and I have to be careful that no sunburn or bug bites….they then measured my arms for elastic sleeves in case of lymphedema which I hope to never need.

The genetic test came back negative which was wonderful! So we proceeded with the surgery for March 6th….

Before the surgery my surgeon ordered two extra tests because he wanted to get it right and didn’t want to have to send me back in which I have heard from several people that they’ve had to do this twice. I first received my IV which did not go well so he had to do it twice….after that the other two tests went well.

The first test was in the same room as my Biopsy. I was smart enough to tell the nurse of my experience and that frankly….I was scared. She told me that she believed that this procedure would not be as painful as the biopsy and she told me everything she was doing. The doctor came in (who happened to be a customer of ours) and he was very kind…his voice very soothing…and he told me every single step he was doing. This particular test begins with them numbing you. Small prick and then a big burn…then there is basically string sticking out of your boob….this is to guide your surgeon so he knows what calcifications (cancer) to remove. There are strings sticking out but they tape it down…no I didn’t look at it….and yes….after this procedure they wanted more pictures as well. My nurse held my hand….told me what was going on and let me squeeze as hard as I wanted and told me I was doing great. Back to the room I went to await the next test.

This next test I got to stay in my bed which was probably good since I got my foot stuck in the wheelchair (do not ask). My husband just put his head in his hands…🤡 I apparently needed to clown….so I did. I figured out somehow how I did it and got myself out of it….the nurses were still talking about it when they finally took me to surgery…they said they were going to talk about it from now on…so I guess I am famous now.

The second test went on in a room that said “radioactive” everywhere. The nurse I had for this one reminded me of my childhood friend…and I so needed her. the doctor and the nurse told me that it would take them longer to set up for this then the procedure.

This particular procedure consisted of a green dye that would need to be put in an hour before my surgery so it would show the doctor exactly what lymph nodes to extract…they took five . This test consist of four pricks around the nipple and the green dye going in.the nurse allowed me to squeeze her hand and reminded me to breathe…this particular test really wasn’t that bad.

Back to my room I went…and my husband found clown jokes to tell as we waited to go into surgery.

They finally came to get me…they laughed and joked and it was very calming…I have never had surgery before so it was nerve wracking. They told me exactly what they were doing and what would be cold touching me etc….then I took three deep breaths and then woke up in recovery.

Apparently during surgery I broke out in hives and was having trouble breathing so they gave me an antihistamine which made me so super groogy I do not remember much of that ride home at all.

I am now at day 5 post op….I am very tired…and very grumpy. Last night I loooked at my scars…the scar goes clear across my breast and I have another scar where the lymph nodes were removed and my breast looks like it is completely misshapen…so I’m not exactly sure how long this will take to heal or what it will look like…..

So for now….I am tired…I am grumpy…

March 26th I go back to the surgeon and then he will let me know when radiation starts….

I know I should be thankful and I am….but this year I just wanted to turn 50….I wanted to go camping…and I just want to be done with all this crap…..

There is this beautiful time of the year…it usually starts up in February….and I have several engagements until late spring and it involves my big red nose.

I’m so glad that it is starting up again. As always, when I return from a trip I try very hard not to make too many plans the week I return…but sadly…I always get too excited.

I was happy that I didn’t have to cancel because the older I get the more I deal with the after affects of travel which normally means I get sick bit thankfully, so far so good! ,

This time I had about 45 4-5 year olds and we had an absolute blast!

We first start talking about clowns and what makes a clown a clown. They them got to see a clown come to life, do silly songs together and some magic tricks and then of course read them a book.

The goal is for them to not be afraid of clowns and to also raise awareness for anti bullying. it is a great program and I am so happy to be a part of it.

My clown bestie sent me this adorable romper and i just had to get it all together!

I have other clown adventures coming up soon and I cannot wait! Stay tuned!!!

Today finds me with a sinus infection….I went to the doctor like a big girl.

I do enjoy traveling….but I really like coming home. I whine about my town….but really….I am happy to come back every time.

It’s nice to be missed and hear people say they missed you. To get a hug from your friends. To hear people yell your name….its nice to be where you belong. At band practice the other night we got that and I never realized how much I needed it. Everyone always wants to hear their name and how happy someone is to see you. That you matter….that there was a void in your absence….that the job was done but it wasn’t done the same as you do it. It made me realize that I needed to make sure that when I see someone I’ve missed that I share the same enthusiasm that was shared with me….because we all need to feel that we matter.

The Midwest to me is home…I like big green open fields. I like barns and the smell of hay. I like tractors and watching the sun set. I like watching the corn grow and beans and I like the farmers that come into my store and tell me stories about the cows they have and how they saved a calf after it accidentally got kicked. I like listening to people tell me about their kids who moved to the big city and what they are doing. I like camping and fishing and talking to people about how to fish better. I like how people here (for the most part) look out for one another. I like how I can tell my neighbor I’m gonna be gone and he watches it better than any private investigator ever would…that is living in the Midwest.

I am happy to be living in a time where my KC Chiefs are in the SuperBowl for the fourth time in my lifetime….and that I’ve seen them win twice…

I’m grateful that I am from a part of the country where we work hard and then work harder…that we help ourselves and each other. I’m glad to know people who know how to get things done…

Tomorrow, I get to go and do something that brings me great joy. I haven’t been able to clown since October and the first time out after several long months always feels daunting….but as soon as that red nose goes on…I’m good…

Laughter has always been a high for me….in school I was good at two things….making people laugh, and playing piano….

Clowning is something I’ve tried to explain…but I just cannot.

To look ridiculous and be brave enough to do so takes courage…my big red nose helps me to be brave…because when I put it on…I’m taken back to childhood…where I can dance and sing without a care….where life hasn’t been hard yet…and what makes a great day is finding a new bug or Mom making chocolate cake for dessert….or sometimes the fancy glass cups with pudding and whip cream….just because.

Before life became about bills and taxes and insurance and healthcare and groceries and gas….when life became “diary worthy” because your parents went to Pizza Hit and we got the Priazzo (I totally realize I’m dating myself)

I could tell you stories forever how people with bald heads because of chemo have told me stories how they are so glad I’m there because for a moment they can forget the pain of this world…how I’ve watched those with dementia be brought to a world of clarity when we sing a song and play a game that they remember how to do…how they light up when I give them a clown nose….how kids forget about all the ugliness of this world and can just be a kid…and laugh and play either me…because there is this ridiculous character who makes them forget….

So…yes, I love to travel….and explore like we did this past week….where I could look at gems and be rejuvenated in my business. How my Graduate Gemologist husband can teach me…and how much fun we had sharing it with our daughter….

I enjoyed all the places we went and what we saw and cultures we learned about…and food we ate….

All these experiences make me a better person. Being able to understand where a person is coming from really changes your understanding of the world around you which is of great importance.

Sometimes in order to be happy where you are and with your life you must explore the world…to find out where you truly belong….

For me….it will always be where the grass is green….

We are grateful to be a part of a group in our jewelry community called RJO. This year our group had a show in Palm Springs…and it was so lovely.

The sun shone every day…and we even got sweaty! I am no match for the desert once again….but I am starting to figure it out. We went to see the Marilyn Monroe statue!

Ellianna and I went thet evening with our group on an Aerial Tram ride which I think was better because we are both afraid of heights.

We got our picture taken by a very nice staff member….who also took a selfie.

We had a lovely dinner once we got to the top of the mountain and had a fabulous night.

The jewelry show was wonderful and we were able to make a great selection of items!

We had great coffee…

It was fabulous!

The sun came out today….and the beauty of that sunshine on the snow filled my little heart with joy. It felt good to be able to get things done around the house that I have been longing to do…baking bread and cutting soap…cleaning the house…and so thankful for a furnace that works and power that has stayed on.

Today I worked on a project in the laundry room. I am halfway done….

Finishing up a fun soap project….the name of the soap is Miss Dot…a nod to my clown character….

I have a few social media accounts….and several Facebook accounts…I am not popular…I don’t have a huge following. Sadly, it used to bother me…why do some people attract so many followers and others…do not?

I will never be able to answer the question…but is it really important? Is your worth really linked to your likes and followers?

I use my social media as a documentation of my life. I keep trips and memories safe in these little squares…in case I forget. In case i forget what I have to be grateful for. In case there are days I can’t feel the light and love from others and I need a reminder. On days I don’t feel like enough…on days I cry because my heart just got on a plane and went far away from me again.

I am delighted when people like my squares and comment on my stories….

Sometimes I go through my social media and like several things because I know how happy it makes my heart when someone takes the time to “heart” me. Talk about what a small effort but what a sweet return.

So, for the few people that interact…I appreciate you. But know….it’s for me…and the amazing life I’ve been given…it’s like a capsule of all the ups and downs that have come my way.

Life is not all about the highs….sometimes I have found out the most amazing things about myself as I sat next to the surgeon who told me my husband was never coming home…and how very alone I felt in that big hospital. It came when I sat in a hotel broom trying to fix problems that were “God size” and there wasn’t a thing I could do. Life is who you are when you are given the biggest pile of crap that ever was…and you take God’s hand and you tell Him…well…what beautiful thing are you going to do with that huge pile….of mess.

Those mountains are big…the storms come on full speed….but in the end….your story…did you change? Most of us do….and we aren’t the same as we were before…we are bloody from the battle….but we got up…we persevered and we came out swinging….

The impossible we found….is possible….and that’s why no matter how small the following…I will keep sharing…keep documenting….because I’m still amazed at all He has done for me…

Today did not feel like a Sunday. Our church was cancelled due to the extreme cold and wind. It is dangerously cold outside and the streets are snow covered. We have had snow and cold for a week now. No more snow is forecasted for the week but we have one more week of extreme cold. I worked all day Thursday and Friday and I haven’t stepped a snowy boot out in public since Friday night.

Saturday we slept in until 8am….that is so unheard of. I have one dog hating life right now and one who is invigorated by the snow and cold.

I made some real progress Saturday….I made a lovely batch of soap….

I baked brownies and apple crisp and made a white chicken chili. Organized and put some things away….read and napped with my doggies….and grateful for a warm house.

Today was more of the same….slept in until almost 8….baked….some lovely sour dough bread….

We did a lot of reading, watched some tv and watched the Kansas City Chiefs get a Win!!

Sometimes you do not know that you need rest until it’s forced upon you. We could literally not take a walk, we really couldn’t barely go outside…and it was needed and greatly enjoyed.

Tomorrow begins my new schedule, off on Monday and Tuesday and Thursday….working on Wednesday, Friday and Saturday….and I’m absolutely thrilled….

Stay tuned to the projects that we will get to tomorrow! I cannot wait!

Stay cozy and warm no matter how cold it is where you live!!!