Author: jme71te

For about 18 years I have been jealous of those that get to enjoy Christmas. For many years I started actually hating the holidays…and I still have to fight it.

I am jealous of those who have days where they can bake together, have gingerbread house contests and who can go caroling with their church. These are things we never get to do and will never be able to do.

Many years I have felt guilty that my children miss out on those things…but after Christmas is over…we get to enjoy all the things.

Right now my husband and I live at our store. We work ten hour days…we have contests and for the first time ever I have someone helping me with social media..but it still remains a two person job. I have the biggest staff I have ever had going through Christmas and it still is so busy. We remain grateful to live in a community that continues to support us.

This year we had the privilege of being a part of creating a pendant given to the graduates of an amazing program here in our town. The SOS house. It get women off the street who have been trafficked, drug abuse…and it works…such amazing people that are working so hard to make our town a better place!

These are things that I’m grateful for, that we get to be a part of.

I enjoy seeing customers who I only see once or twice a year. I enjoy hugs from our customers, people that have struggled with loss and illness…our customers are our friends. We don’t take any of them for granted. As a business we strive to bring the best quality back to our town, so that our customers can have the best of the best. Our dedication comes with sacrifice. Our kids are on the back burners, our family is on the back burners…my house could be cleaner…but there is no other way.

A small business owner has to make those decisions…and sometimes they feel very lonely. I would love to go ice skating and do all the Christmas things…but my child will not lose out …even though things look different. She has a front row seat on how her family survives.

We try to have fun things so that our staff and our children don’t feel that it’s all work and no play…

Our dog comes a lot….he is a favorite…

We play pranks on each other….hiding office supplies in jello.

We have contests….we try and love on our staff…and the days fly by.

Then the day after Christmas we rest…and relax…and enjoy all the things.

My Christmas this year is weird…my adult son will be home a very short time. My youngest is almost 15…and the excitement of Christmas is still there but not like when they were little.

No more footed pjs running down the stairs snd screams of delight…no more wrapping paper frenzies….it’s all soo good…but yet…changed so fast. No toys under the tree…no dolls….art supplies and appliances…

I’m mourning the loss…but trying to embrace the here end now…the change in my career and my role is different…and it calls for compromise. However, with that change comes some amazing opportunities and adventures. With these changes comes time to experiment with some other roles I’ve been to busy to pursue…

My son will never sleep in his bed night after night….my daughters time is going by at warp speed…but so goes the progression with life.

In my head I have it all worked out how each holiday goes…but there not reality. I have three adult children with three adult work schedules and school schedules…so the cost is greater…then opportunities are fewer…but we just make the most of what we do have.

The slow days at home for baking and laundry going all day and candles burning while school is being held are fewer now…but still exist. The opportunities for travel are new on the horizon..but only come because of the shift of change. my priorities have changed…things I thought I could control I cannot…things that I thought I could be responsible for are now being changed to someone else. I’m learning to give away control…but learning freedom through that.

Christmas…fewer family…less time…more work…more rewards later. An exhausting holiday that I once hated…becomes a different perspective and changes my feelings on it entirely.

Don’t focus on the few cranky customers…the missing caroling and missing baking…and concentrate on being able to have a front row seat on the lives of so many others. Finding out about their families, their adventures…dreams, accomplishments. Shaking hands, getting hugs and letting someone else love on your dog (he truly is ridiculous)

Have a good one! We are almost there!

The word toxic is a word that gets thrown around a lot. The actual definition of that word means “very harmful or unpleasant, poisonous.”

The sad thing is, most of us exposed to toxic people, don’t really realize it. We have new words for them.. like “difficult, speak their mind, or having a bad day.”

The truth is…it really isn’t ok. Before you think that I am saying that I am a saint…I am not. I have done my own damage, and my own damage has been done to me.

Toxic people disguise themselves in shiny packages. They say all the right things…or do they? I find myself scratching my head hours after a conversation and wondering exactly how that person meant that comment.

Sometimes you have to walk away from toxic people for awhile…and sometimes you can’t go back.

As I grow older, time becomes more precious. Time with my adult son is fleeting…and I usually get little scraps…and that’s ok…but I want even those tiny fragments of time to be spent in the most positive ways. If I’m surrounding my children with people who constantly inform them that their dress choices don’t align with theirs. Or that their hairline isn’t up to their standards…or if they need another pair of jeans because theirs have holes…we can teach our children to let those things go..but should we?

Do we ever confront the person that constantly throws criticism? Do we ever stand up for ourselves and declare that we will not be spoken to this way…and are still able to save the relationship?

As a parent…I can look at my children walking in and pick them apart in less than two seconds. I wouldn’t call it a gift…I would say that it goes back to my childhood…being raised with older sister who also had a critical eye. I learned to be fast on my feet or get eaten alive. Being the youngest did not win me favor in the eyes of my sisters…but I get it…I was eight years after the youngest sister…and I was yet…another girl.

I wasn’t beaten or starved, or thrown in a basement…I was a kid raised in the 80s….we kind of just spent more time alone than any generation before us….Class of ‘92….ancient memories. There wasn’t a lot of hugging. There were no participation awards…and parents frankly, we’re uninvolved. Quite honestly, we were ok with that.

Decent grades were expected and piano perfection required….and I was happy to do so…as it was the ONE thing I was good at.

My journey so far in life has proven to me that without God…I would have given up long ago.

People will always fail you…God never does. People will talk behind your back, make up lies. People won’t let you sit at their lunchroom table. Girls will tell you your heavy, sparking an eating disorder in a girl who weighed 102. Teachers will tell you you aren’t gifted enough for the speech your about to give…her private student needs to do it…but then you do it anyway…and get a standing ovation, and you beat her student. Professors will tell you your not smart enough to pass his class and you won’t graduate college…but you do. Men will tell you, you aren’t enough…marriage was a mistake…you were only friends…

People will let you do all the work, but when you ask for help, they won’t. People….we are all…just people. Making mistakes…carrying baggage…and harming one another.

I hope that you can find the people that model Christ. The people that have your back. Will help you when you are down. That being you popsicles and medicine when your ill. That take care of your child when your out of town….that root does you. That can be honest with you and tell you when you are wrong. That pray for you. That support your business…because those are Christ honoring relationships. That’s what we are to be to one another.

You know when you finally let go…and that freedom you feel? That’s truly when healing and growth can come../your children can come home without dreading the time….and with any luck…grow up to not blame us for all their “trauma”.

I hope that all toxic relationships can one day be restored….but I will enjoy Christmas this year./.without the toxic feeling in the air!!!

Ever have a job you have wanted to quit? I know as a Mom, I have had my days…especially when my children have gotten to a certain age where they decide to tell me all my faults. I don’t think there is ever anything that will prepare you for hateful things your teen will say to you during those horrible teen years.

No one ever wants to talk about your horrible teenager …because we as Mothers never want to say anything bad about our children.

As I go down the road of the last of four teenagers…I will tell you, that I’m aware of what is ahead…and I believe this time I just might be prepared.

Being a parent is like being a boss. You rarely hear thank you when you do something great. You rarely hear good job, and you are criticized constantly. Even though you try to give praise whenever possible….the praise never comes to you.

Parenting is the same. My faults are discussed, and rarely my accomplishments.

I have tried to have the attitude that I am a work in progress. Perhaps that is seen as rude weak…I am not sure.

I have always been one that people have shared their lives with me. My sister is the same, we have had people come up and tell us their life stories…some of them heartbreaking. Some of them total strangers….this has happened to me so often that by now I am used to it. Some people just feel comfortable telling me their troubles.

People have always felt comfortable sharing their feelings of their thoughts on my appearance, my home, my business. Things I would have never dreamed to say to people, they have felt no issue sharing them with me.

I sometimes feel invisible…that I must carry a very rough exterior…so they think their words can’t hurt me…but they do. For days I will ponder and try to figure out what exactly I did to receive such a review.

Each day..:I get up…make my way to the shower…coffee, then gym. After that, it depends on day of week…some days I homeschool,, other days I go to work…and each day is a choice…

I have a choice to give up and quit..or to keep going….

There are more rooting for me than against me…just have to keep swimming and find my people!

This week the weather has been annoyingly beautiful. I say annoying because I’m ready for sweaters and hats and bugs to die. I’m ready to say goodbye to allergies and my head to finally feel normal. I’m ready for cozy. I’m ready for boots and warm socks…movie nights with blankets.

I’m ready for snow covered yards and hot cocoa with marshmallows. I’m ready for hibernation and cozy nights…I’m ready.

However, when I’m happy most are not…and when most are happy I am not. I don’t like sweating. I do not like the chaos of summer…I hate sunburns and bugs…and did I mention…I hate sweating?!

Tonight, I sat around with a group of people that I have known for almost a whole year…and my life is amazingly better because of it.

Life has still been full of trouble…we have all grieved together. We have Shared happy moments and some really scary times. However, when you have people fighting for you…you seem to go through life a little lighter.

No one would disagree that this last year and a half has been difficult. Our lives will never be the same…and there is still so much worry and fear and anger…but I think everyone that had close friends would agree that that is the only thing that pulled them through.

We as Americans, gained weight, moved, bought animals or became pregnant. We baked more than ever…and then ate what we baked. We did home improvement projects…and then more home improvement projects. We went camping and kayaking…and fished and hiked…and realized that after all that…we all just missed being together.

We bought all the things, went back to nature…and discovered that life without friends wasn’t really a life.

We have watched the younger generations struggle…suicide is up…because what we really all need…is each other.

Life is cruel and scary…I have friends suffering ..and dealing with enormous losses…and the only way to get through it is time…and people to help you carry your burdens.

Just knowing that someone knows my pain and cares about it gives me strength to keep fighting and trying to pull through.

I used to be a person who had given up on people…I just wanted my kids and my husband, a few family members and call it good. I didn’t need anyone…I wanted to just sit in the corner and lick my wounds. I had been hurt and lied about…and my trust was completely gone.

Then, a lady who was a customer of mine…who I really liked and who hugged me every single week at church (whether I wanted to or not) asked my husband and I to join a group she and her husband led. I would have never said yes except I knew she was the real deal. So I said yes…and the rest has been a divine answer to prayer.

Whatever side you are on ….whether you are the one being hugged or the one giving hugs. I hope you decide to give people another chance…that you would open your heart at least one more time.

Second chances sometimes turn out to be the biggest blessing of your life….

I have a second marriage, when I thought I would never love nor be loved again….and now we have second chances with friends…

There will always be annoying people that come across your path. They will say hateful things and mean things…and all I can do is…try to not leave others as others have left me…

I’m not sure what is going on with my movie choices lately…but death seems to be the theme…and every time we watch a movie I spend the nights crying.

Lately, I seem to be surrounded by it…so many suffering with unexpected deaths of loved ones. My heart breaks for all of them.

I do not know what it is about this time of year…when fall folds into winter…the amazing sunsets…cutting of wood. It all takes me back to my childhood….I can hear my dad with the chainsaw. I can smell the gas from it, the familiar thud as we threw the logs in the trailer to go back to the house. The wood burning stove, the smell of chili…cornbread…warmth.

I can hear the nightly drone of the television…the excitement of my warm electric blanket that I’m sure caused cancer…but man did I think I was awesome having one.

I can see the barn and hear the horses running…sitting on the fence posts…dogs running…the smell of puppies. In that moment, I remember being eight…the world seemed large…my future seemed to last forever…now those I knew…have age in their faces. Those who seemed old before…seem even older now….and I find myself confused at the face that looks back at me in the mirror.

Time is all I seemed to have then. The worst part of life was remembering my lunch and my homework and hating math…always hating math.

Tonight, a sign I ordered for my mantle came….

And I can hear this song on the record player…how I would dance around the star candle holder that came out at Christmas. My mother always made our house look amazing at Christmas.

The older I get…the more I realize how fast time is fleeting…and how I want to remember all of the things…the memories, the people, the events of life.

I think that’s why I love photos as much as I do. That helps me keep the memories in order..:like markers. I find that that’s what I do in directions as well.. I have markers to get me to and from places…I do it in hiking as well. Perhaps it’s a control thing.

So next time you get our your phone to take pictures…and everyone complains…remember that’s your “marker” to help you remember…the moment you spent with those you love.

Each year that goes by you would think it would get easier…but it does not. I’m not sure how it happened so quickly…but it did. My boy cub, became a man child…almost overnight.

He came home early…three days early to surprise me.

I sat there in shock as he walked through the door. My mind couldn’t not process that he was in front of me. I was so happy since I was not taking it well that he would not be at home for his birthday….

Sadly, I had two staff members gone so I didn’t get as much time with him as I would have hoped to…but that’s what happens when you own a business…your kids and family have to take a backseat to nearly everything.

Today…..all four of our kids were home….

We have one PhD, almost one with his Bachelors degree from one of the top Journalism schools in the country, and one who dreams of being an artist and already has her top colleges down for where she wants to go. ,

Today, our house was loud….like it used to be. The driveway was full…the food and dishes were piled high…the laughter was loud…and it was like music to my husband and my ears.

They begged to do a funny pic….this is what they instantly did….

They are healthy and happy…..and I am thankful for that. They are all figuring things out at the different places they are in their lives. They are all uniquely different and uniquely talented. None of these children were given “participation” awards. When they were handed one, they said thank you and threw them in the trash. They knew this Mamma….we don’t take those home. You don’t get a ribbon for showing up. That’s not real life.

As quickly as our house filled with noise….the noise began to fade…as the cars left….one went back to college town because he has to work early tomorrow morning….the other two went off to their mothers…we will see them tomorrow night…and the youngest went to her room…lonely that her siblings have once again left.

As I speak to those Mommas who have gone on before me in their parenting of adults…they’ve told me to prepare for the “scraps” we are given. To make the most of them.

The difficult part of all this…is when they are the “ugliest” they get to stay with you…when all the hard work and labor is done…and they become these adult people we like again…they no longer live with you.

Today all four of them cleaned the kitchen…put food away…no complaints…they do this everyday already in their own apartments. No fighting over who got away with what…just all helping each other.

Before I was ready for it….when I had just gotten used to the contented feeling in my stomach of my man cub sleeping under my roof in his own bed…it was over. Before I knew it…the car was backing out of the driveway…the time gone in an instant…

I hugged him one last time before he left. He whispered he would be back in three weeks. Promised he had made his bed and cleaned his trash before he left (a first mind you). then…he was off.

If I was a braver Mom, I would stand on the porch and wave goodbye…but I can’t do it without crying…so I watch it on our security camera…too afraid to let anyone know my heart is breaking. My man cub…is ready to fly.

My heart beats fast as I count down the hours until he should be back at school…and wait for the text that he’s arrived…when will I be ok with him leaving…probably never.

I will never get used to the empty driveway….but I am thankful and grateful…that they all know their way home…that I can fill their bellies with their favorite things. That they are safe and sound and cared for…that they are always welcome…that our home is a safe haven. That while they are here…nothing bad can happen. May my driveway not be empty long. May the loud noise come back soon with lots of sleepovers…

Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Everywhere I turn…bad news it seems. Everyone I talk to has some trial they are going through. Some days I feel that I to am going under.

Fear and anxiety have taken a hold of me….my self worth seems to be broken and failing…my eyes are off the prize…and that’s when everything falls apart. I thought by my age that I would be over worrying about what people think of me…but it still creeps up on me.

There will always be someone smarter, prettier and more talented than all of us. How do we respond when we meet her? Do we say mean things behind her back? Do we make her talent seem easy, not hard to come by…average? Do we downplay her strengths to make us seem more worthy? Have you ever done this? Have you had this done to you?

I am one of those who is NOT the most talented…there is probably NOTHING that I’m better than anyone else at. However, I will tell you that some days this feeling of being not enough is suffocating.

The real difficulty is, my husband, my friends, strangers even….can give me compliments…and I simply do not believe. That is no one else’s fault but my own….but lately, these shoulders are getting heavy with that burden.

No one wants to be around someone who constantly needs to be built up….it’s exhausting for all of us. Right now though, I feel that all of us need that extra boost. We all seem to be “going under.” The normal burdens seem heavier than ever before…things we relied on we can’t rely on…and the road seems to be getting harder. This “season” seems to be a new way of life…not just a “season”.

Surround yourself with those who have their eye on the true prize. I’m a person that will scream that the sky is falling…and try to fix it…while my husband would calmly explain there is nothing to fear. In crisis I am a mess and he is firmly planted.

A terrifying movie we took the children to when they were very small (Spider-Man) took a very ugly turn and there was screaming and tears from all the children and myself as well. I sat there frozen…while my husband covered all three children’s eyes…I clearly, am a force to be reckoned with in a crisis.

There was also the time that he had to preach three different hamster funerals….again, I cried as hard as my daughter…clearly I’m a trooper. My heart was broken that my precious child had a broken heart.

Right now with life, I feel overwhelmed. Pulled in so many different directions, but I can’t run away…I have to find a way to make it all work. All the work seems to be a waste…I do not see the fruit of our labor. I feel mediocre…doing everything ok…but nothing well. The house is clean and picked up but no deep cleaning has been done in awhile. It seems new routines begin and then circumstances or sickness or catastrophes happen and we have to revamp schedules again. I know so many struggling with this…

Sometimes, all we can do is start each week with a new plan, a new perspective…and do little things to encourage ourselves….like my recent obsession with spider webs:

And cozy blankets….

That were made by my little hands…have a great Day!

I am 47….some days I feel as if I’m 107. I want to run away to a place where no bad news can find me. A place where the phone can’t ring with bad news on the end of the line. I want to run away to a place where no bad mail comes in the mailbox. That place doesn’t exist here on earth. Only in my dreams and daydreams.

Today, I didn’t want to make the hard decisions…I wanted someone else to do it for me. I didn’t want to cry in front of the nurse…and cry in front of another…and still another. I wanted to be able to make decisions hard and fast and quick and they be the right decisions. I wanted to stand firm, be tough…not cry…just like my Dad had always taught me to be…tough. Don’t be a big baby…stand on your own. Today, I didn’t want to.

Our decisions affect other people…it’s always a ripple effect. I knew today would be upsetting but no idea just how hard.

I pray you never have to stand and make decisions for your parents. Decisions that are for their best…but no way easy. I pray you never have to have your parents confused or upset because they feel they have been abandoned and left alone. I pray that that feeling never ever comes to you.

I do pray that if you do….that you have the courage and strength to stand. To know that what you are doing is for the best…and that the sun will eventually shine again.

I pray you can find humor when it is given…and see it for the gift that it is….and take a long time to laugh about it.

I pray life is kind…and through it all…you find the sunshine…you feel it…you see it.

Sometimes, it’s hard to find God in these moments of grief and hardship. He is there in the kindness of nurses…He is there with the kind transport specialist. He is there when strangers become friends in the most unlikely of places. He is there when you find you have unnatural super strength.

He is there when the sun comes up after the cloudiest of days.

Today, the weather was outstanding. Everywhere I went everyone was almost electrified at how excited we were about how amazing the weather was.

The weather has been so ridiculously hot…and we are all ready for cooler days. It seems that we are just ready for any good news..sunshine, candles that smell good. Pumpkin patches…all simple pleasures…and all available now.

After taking my daughter to violin and catching up on appointments, answering emails. A quick trip to the pediatrician to get her Covid shot…and I found my insurance card (the pediatrician had it). Then off to pick up my candle that came in…smells fabulous. Even went to McDonald’s for a breakfast sandwich. They were fast and friendly and got the order right…I’m telling ya…it was like electric!

Then we head to our favorite pumpkin patch..nice little drive. We round the corner where my favorite barn is picturesque and it hits me….

That nagging whisper that always comes at me. Enjoy today…because something bad is coming around the corner..that’s why your having such a good day…something bad is coming.

Why do I do that? I had to refocus…and pray because I knew that was Satan talking. Hasn’t God taken care of the pesky problems already hasn’t He made a way when there was NO way. Hasn’t he turned my ashes into gold. Enjoy the day that the Lord has made. I fret and I worry and I dream up solutions to problems that don’t even exist. I cry as I imagine things that will happen to my children that haven’t happened…and I find myself completely in a anxious state…close to having an anxiety attack…all because I listened to the lies of Satan…

As to not frighten my daughter, and yell get behind me Satan. I refocused. Turned the praise music louder…said a prayer of thanks for my car, my daughter, our store, our staff, my children, our home. Said a word of thanks as I drove past my friends business. I repeated the gifts that God has given me…I repeated that He is indeed good…even when we canNOT feel Him.

Then, we went to the pumpkin patch…and we repeated how beautiful the weather was and that today was the day for pumpkins…because it was…

Sometimes…..we lose out on the joy of life because we are waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Take the blessings of today and enjoy them…the trials will come…but enjoy the gift that is today.

We have just returned from a camping/fishing trip….the world gets heavy…my heart gets heavy, and I needed to stand by a stream..listen to a river, and care about only one thing…catching a fish.

Sometimes we need the quiet of nature and being outside to realize what is actually important. How fragile life is…and how quickly someone you love is gone.

The very first person that I have known for a long time died from Covid this past week. He was a kind gentle soul and our world is a darker place with him gone. I hate Covid as it has claimed so many wonderful people.

As I look at what is ahead in my own life…I’ve tried to make some changes in the past several years, but not as many as the last three years. Self image and trying to love a healthier lifestyle instead of a sedentary life. The changes have been hard at times and depressing. I find myself not wanting to take pictures because I’m not where I want to be health wise. I’m more critical on myself than others are…because I believe in perfection…and perfection just doesn’t exist.

I don’t want my children to say I didn’t do things with them. I don’t want them to think that everything I did was perfect and trying new things didn’t require effort…

I want them to run races with me…so far I have done that with both children…

I want them to see me trying new things and not being afraid to be silly and have fun.

This past week my husband took a picture of me that I have been reluctant to share because I felt fat and pudgy and mad at myselfthat I looked this way….

I had been standing in the river up to my knees…intent on catching a trout that I still couldn’t quite get…but he took it because I was just a woman standing by a stream…troubles of the world put aside because I wanted one thing….a fish.

Pictures don’t have to be perfect…but I believe they need to be taken often….every part of life celebrated…often….documented…

I have always been addicted to taking pictures. I wanted to be a photo journalist…even sat my sights on it for college but listened to others instead. Pictures remind us of an event…sometimes my mind can be tricked…but a picture doesn’t lie.

So, start the new hobby…don’t believe in perfection. Show your children imperfection. Keep trying….keep getting back up. Keep giving, no matter who says you can’t do it…and don’t give in. Take the picture, share the adventure…look silly, have fun…be you.