Author: jme71te

Today I ran a million errands….everyone else did as well. Isn’t it funny how quickly we turn back into mean humans? Last year at this time, I swore I would never complain about normal things…but here I am…growling.

Today, we met people who were slow drivers…had no intention of ever using a blinker, and didn’t know what a stop sign was. We had people who cut in front. Then I noticed, the people who said go ahead…and smiled through their masks. There seemed to be a joy about this holiday. Lots of people cooking out…since it will be glorious! And the last couple of years we have had snow.

I find myself wanting to going into seclusion. Worn out with the amount of people and texts and conversations I have. My soul is happy….but my body is tired.

As we all go back into “normalcy” and the crazy of the “schedule”. This is who we were meant to be. We were not meant to sit at home for endless days. We were meant to be involved in others lives. Care about other people and extend love and grace to even those…who don’t use their blinker.🥴

I can’t wait to hug my sons neck…it’s been since Christmas since I have seen him. Normally we would have visited but Covid didn’t allow that. I can’t wait to eat chocolate bunnies and peeps. I can’t wait to eat ham and sit outside. I look forward to a big long nap. I adore the trees budding…and the green of the grass coming up…but I am so grateful for the God who got us through this past year…and the horrible one before that.

I’m grateful for the peace that God has given us and the way He has taught us He is in control. I am grateful for the ways He shows me He loves me..and wants the best for me. I’m grateful for the valleys He walks with me on…and I’m thankful for those people He has brought into my life…just when I was giving up on all the people.

His mercies are new every day….Lamentations 3:22-23

I’m so grateful for the joy He gives me. May you all rest in that this weekend as we celebrate the amazing love and sacrifice of our Savior.

Today. I woke up early…very early. If you went to college with me then you know how I embrace the morning….and know that I do not speak. I have a hot shower then coffee…no talky.

When we started camping more this became even more amusing…..my husband knows the sight of the French press is how he makes me smile from ear to ear while we are in the “wild”.

I arrived this very early hour at my parents house to take them to get their second Covid shot. I’m so grateful for the amazing minds that put together this vaccine and grateful that we are now able to get one.

When I arrived at my parents house my father was very confused. Asked me a lot of questions of things he should know the answer to. I try to use humor with him. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. This dance I find myself invited to…I don’t want to participate. I want to sit down…but here we are. We don’t get a choice of who our parents are…nor do we get a choice of how we say goodbye. I know each day it becomes a bit more of a goodbye.

Today he wanted to know my mother’s name. He has been married to her since he was seventeen. He couldn’t remember her name…nor if he had always been married to her. If he has ever been married to anyone else. He told me about the woman who visited him and told him that she was living with him and not my mother. He described it like anyone would a normal silly dream. To my father, it really and truly happened.

I can’t imagine what it was like for my Mother as she listened to our conversation in the other room….but here we are.

I changed the subject to Easter where they are excited to finally get back to church and their friends. Dad spoke of grandkids he missed but forgot the grandson that had been over the night before and had a conversation with.

Today, he remembered my name…and knew who I was…he remembered things my son did when he was little…but forgot where he put his shoes and couldn’t find his hat.

He can no longer fill out paperwork or tell me his birth year….but he remembers his social security number with no effort. He hasn’t lost his sense of humor and still makes the nurses giggle when they gave him his shot.

Today he asked me what he had….I didn’t want to answer. Then I realized he would forget soon enough so I told him…

Oh Covid I hate you….dementia I hate you even more. I know that Covid robbed us of more time with a father who wasn’t failing in his memory…but unfortunately with all the seclusion, we will continue to see more of this.

If you are asking me the solution….I have none. I’m not sure what could have been done differently…

For now my soul is tired…my body is tired…but rest assured this weekend we will take lots of pictures and my Dad will have the largest chocolate bunny ever. Just wait and see!

Today, was a sunny beautiful Saturday. My daughter had her first lock in at church. The last of our children is a teen…and this is the first of many lasts for our family….if that makes sense.

Today, was a good day for fried chicken. Homemade authentic tamales made by my friend who is amazing. My soap even turned out how I wanted!

We decided to take my Dad chicken….since that’s his favorite thing right now….and it was rough.

For the first time ever in my life, my Dad forgot my mothers name. He told me all about the people that had come in and out of the house today that only he could see. Mom had told him they were not there.

As we ate dinner, the confusion continued….and I did my very best to eat and not cry. To listen and not cry…to NOT cry.

I decided a walk would be nice after dinner…and Dad decided he should go and my mother as well. The walk was intended for my dad..so that worked out fabulously. As we walked he asked me about the things he saw and if they were real or not…some were…most were. Some were not.

We talked about his mower and getting it ready to mow grass again. He likes the new shoes I got and noticed my new shoes (they really are new). Talked about my kids and asked Mom what trees were what…something he’s always known.

The entire time I held back tears…I held back tears as I he tried to pick up sticks that were not there…and step over branches that were not there…but amazed at how he is always working…always.

I have a million troubles…as do you my friend. My list is long…my days are short. Losing your parent this way seems horribly cruel…like I will lose him twice. If he can forget my mother’s name…how long until he forgets mine?

Please…forget me not.

Today, at our monthly coffee chat…this subject came up of listening. Just sitting and listening to each other’s burdens. Not offering judgement or how a problem can be solved …just listening. I think a person that is truly gifted at listening is a person that should be highly favored.

Owning a business we see lots of people daily. Over the years we have been there for the highs of life and the lows of life. We have been there for anniversary and birthdays, losses and sickness, surgeries and broken bones. We have heard about it all…and we have cried along with our customers.

The older I get, the quieter I become…I wish I would have learned this long ago. Some people want to just tell you their sad story. They want you to know that the person they just lost..deserves to be remembered. They want you to know every good and incredible thing about them. They want you to know why their loss is soo deep and why their heart is so broken and their life so very empty.

I used to think that I was cheated when I lost someone I loved suddenly….I didn’t get the chance To say what I wanted. I didn’t get answers to questions I had. I didn’t get reassurance….only more heartbreak. I have watched those that have lost spouses or parents to disease and watched them suffer…and realized….there is no easy way to grieve. The joy comes in knowing that this isn’t the end. This is not the end of our story.

As we all battle the struggles that are ours to carry,and the heavy burdens we carry..may we understand that there is relief and joy that comes when we share those with our trusted friends. When we open up and are truthful about how hard the struggle is.

I once sat with a friend at a concert. The song was titled “Just be Held.” The song was a reminder that it’s ok to cry…to be sad…to be silent…but God is there to hold you. I sat there and held her hand. I knew what it was like to watch a marriage go up in flames. I knew what it was like for the kids, the families…the suffering. I knew it all. I also knew that she had tried everything she could possibly do to make it better…and she had failed miserably. All there was to do was sit and cry with her. So that’s what we did. No advice…no speech…no nothing. I just sat there with her and cried.

At the darkest moment of my life…I have had angels in my life. The ones that iron your clothes for your husbands funeral…iron your child’s clothes. Help you pick out music…help you remember to eat. They offer no advice…they offer no speeches…they just deal with the here and now…..and those are the people you always want near you and the ones you want to be like.

Silence is so very far from what so many of us want to be. Silence can bring thoughts we don’t want…but it can also be healing. When I’m in a quiet place, I can finally hear. I can finally fully listen.

I’m learning to be silent…to let other speak their truth…their hurt…their burdens. It truly is a gift, and I find myself envious of all of those that are gifted in a way that I am not.

I wish I was more like Charlie..:always happy to see people…doesn’t interrupt, doesn’t get angry and gives plenty of affections. He is a great listener. He doesn’t gossip, and he’s kept every secret I ever told him. 😘

Today was a busy day…and I was grateful for it.

I continue to appreciate those that have given me the opportunity for the blessing it is to have a tiny part in helping lead our congregation in worship. Something I said I would never do….I now find myself renewed in doing.

Today, for the first time in a year I was able to clown. I didn’t clown long…just a short time. I like to keep them wanting more ya know! But that laughter…and giggling…was balm to my soul. It had been so long since we have touched one another or hugged…yet alone laugh. To be able to have my girl with me was icing on the cake.

I have been damaged, like so many of us have. It has taken years to reinvent myself. To build myself up from the damage and lies that we’re told to me by those who honestly felt they were doing the right thing.

Being told I was worthless, stupid, not college material. Being told I would never amount to anything, that I wasn’t talented in any way shape or form. That I would never have a degree, not be successful…but if I tried real hard I might get married and have children. I wasn’t told I was beautiful until the day of my “second marriage” by someone who should have told me that my entire life.

It was the weeks that followed my first husbands death that I wrestled with God. I fought with Him for weeks. I told him how I always had tried to be “good”. Always follow what He had asked of me…and this is how He rewards me?

I learned that those rules and regulations I followed were not all “from Him.” Many of them were not what God wanted. God requires a life of service and devotion to Him. He requires a life of moral living yes…but that doesn’t always require a knee length hemline or a pair of awful culottes. It requires righteous living with a heart for the unrighteous. It requires a way of living that is quite frankly…a little terrifying.

It is scary to say to God…”use me how you would like.” I wrestled with Him for months on this…

Now I can’t imagine life without it.

I like to say never about lots of things…and I’ve been proven wrong every time. The keyboard playing is the latest string of “never” Phrases that I have been proven wrong again and again.

As far as the professor who told me I would never graduate from college. I did…I have an Associates Degree. I could go back for one semester and get my Bachelors degree…but no thanks. I also have my GIA AJP from Jewelry…which stands for Assistant Jewelry Professional and I’m considering more classes as well. I will say, all the teachers that called me a class clown…I guess they were indeed correct.

Whatever He calls you to….He will give you the power to get it done….no matter what they say…

“He who began a good work in you, will be faithful to complete it.”

What is your favorite time of day? Mine is the golden hour. It always has been. I love that time when the sun is starting it’s descent, it leaves a beautiful glow in everything it touches.

My favorite memories are this time of day when I would sit on the gate at our house where the horses were and Dad would feed them and I would watch them come up and eat. I would rub their soft noses. The dog barking…the goats exclaiming their dislike for attention being given to the horses. My long strawberry stringy blonde hair being pushed back from my face constantly. Dirty shoes and mismatched clothes (always).

The other night …the golden hour returned….and I was there for it.

New friends that offered to let my daughter come to the barn to see gorgeous horses and adorable chickens and all the things that makes her heart soar. Our new friends were so kind to offer, especially since her husband is recovering from a recent surgery 😱.

I know right now so many of us are so ready to start back at life. We have lost so much this year. But my heart is convinced that good days are ahead. Not easy days…but good days. Where we will see compassion and love for one another when we feel that all hope is lost.

In my keyboard practice this week the song I have been practicing for church tomorrow is :

“You go before I know, even that you’ve gone to win my war. You come back with the head of my enemy. You come back and you call it my victory.

“Hallelujah you have saved me. So much better your way.”

This year looking back seems overwhelming…and many of us will be suffering for awhile to recover from it. I hope you felt His presence. I hope you were surrounded by His people. I pray you felt His love.

We were never promised easy….but we will never be alone in the fight. That’s a promise.

Yesterday, the sun was shining…and I wanted to go on a little adventure to the bird refuge…you see…the birds are back in town!

Exactly one year ago, we finally took a trip to this bird refuge, after never taking the time to go previously.

When life closes a door…I find a new one. It’s amazing how creative you can be when you have to be. It’s amazing what joy can be found from simple pleasures.

Right now, if you watch the news, there are lots of things going on which makes my head hurt…so, I’ve turned it off.

Instead, I’ve taken to establishing relationships with others. I’ve decided to get involved with nature, with people, with anything BUT the news.

I’m not saying to you that I don’t worry, that I don’t have problems but I keep having this peace come over me that everything is going to be ok.

I don’t know how or why or what ok really looks like…but I am confident that we will make it through, because He will make a way.

Yesterday, as I watched the magnificence of His creation…I knew who was in charge. I knew that man canNOT conquer all.

It was soo lovely, seeing my fellow citizens out and about and enjoying watching the magnificent nature.

To me, it was a sign that a new season is coming for us…that the dark days of the past season are behind us…and bettor days are in front of us.

I know there is great uncertainty. I honestly feel that some of those negative things, will come to a head and some way or another..it will work out. I can’t explain it, I don’t understand it..but I have peace.

Today, the sun was shining…my Dad enjoyed fried chicken. Tomorrow my parents get their long awaited Covid shot. Can I just say, what a miracle of a time we live in. I’m so blessed to live at a time when we have such brilliant minds. I’m so thankful that we have a vaccine. So thankful the numbers are down. So grateful that things are looking up.

Every book I read, every sermon I hear…talks about how we should love others and how we should see them as Jesus does. Everywhere I turn, there is hope for those dark trials that all of us seem to be finally coming out of. Even though the trial is not completely behind us…I’m beginning to feel that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I’m beginning to feel that we just might make it.

Have faith friend, this is NOT the end. This is not where the story ends!

I remember when I was little how simple life seemed. We went to school, my Dad went to work…we came home had supper and then repeat.

I was raised in the 80s…this was the “transition” to faster paced living. My generation apparently was left at home more than any other generation. We were the generation with microwaves and basically the beginnings of dinner in boxes. I grew up with scratch and sniff snickers. Pop in glass bottles. Cabbage patch kids were the PS5, and sticker collections were a thing. We had friendships beads on our shoes…and four square was how you became a champion on the playground. No worries, I stunk at all sports…but was a champ on the tornado slide. Terrified of the the jungle gym…and was notorious for bloody knees.

I don’t remember life being hard for my parents…but perhaps that’s because they were really good at not letting us know when there was a problem. Maybe they were just better at hiding their feelings.

Today, I had monthly coffee with some of the most amazing ladies on the planet. Even though all of us have completely different professional lives…so many things about us are the same. We have unbelievably heavy burdens…and I think we carry them pretty well. If you had me guess about these problems and burdens…I never would have guessed them…but we still carry them.

Today, after work On my journey home, I thanked God for this amazing life. It’s so easy to watch the news and be burdened…but can I just tell you. When it seems like you are going down at the last second…miracles happen. If 2019 and 2020 have taught me anything….it’s that miracles still happen. What seems an impossible pile of crap…a miracle can still arise. When you think you are going completely under…supernatural miracles occur. I’ve watched them…I’ve had a front row seat to miracles.

I’ve watched impossible prayers answered. I have watched lives restored and relationships healed. I have watched people trust and love who said they never would open their hearts again. I’ve watched medical mysteries healed..and God keep so many in His safety and protection. I’ve watched people that felt they couldn’t be used, used in a mighty way. I’ve watched the broken healed and the sick walk into my store a week later after being on their deathbed.

Today, as the sun was shining….the warmth returning, the birds headed back…I felt hope. Hope has been missing for awhile. We all just felt that we had to keep our noses to the grindstone to power through this past year. We just kept going because we didn’t know what else to do. We all felt helpless as we watched our country burn and rage as those that didn’t deserve bad were punished anyway. Such hate, such unbelievable division. Such sadness and despair…and all of us wanted to just get into bed and pull the covers over our head….but even in the muck and mire…healing can still come.

A lot of us turned off our TVs…we looked around at our fellow man..and just started having conversations. A lot of us took time off the television to establish new friendships, new endeavors…and most of us are not looking back.

2020 causes even more of us to change locations, vocations, hobbies, and so many more things. Many of us quit consuming…and started doing things that matter for the long term.

Change is uncomfortable and stressful. Change doesn’t feel good…until you have the courage to just go right ahead and do it….but when you finally walk through that door…you always wonder why you were so scared.

I believe that life was and is to be lived BIG. I have never been shy or quiet. I have always been loud and even obnoxious…sense of humor and sometimes a bad temper. I’m crazy about my kids and madly in love with my husband. I’m a perfectionist only in clowning and my piano playing…and soap making and decorating…and cleanliness…ok. I guess I’m a bit of a perfectionist🥴.

I am here to make noise…and noise I will make…but when I’m gone from this earth, I want that to be felt but I want people to continue that which I started. I want an impact to be continued where I started…I want the void to be felt but continued.

Life is hard…it is my job to make it more bearable.

“Life is always better, when You are laughing.”

Today was a day. That’s the best way to describe it.

Covid has given us many challenges…and like everything there have been unforeseen consequences. We have seen a rise in suicides and abuse (there is data to back this up, this is not me making things up). There has been a rise in Alzheimer’s patients as well and we have seen a failure to thrive in many patients that live in retirement homes. Many died alone…without being able to say goodbye to their families.

Many businesses died and financial ruin came to many….the affects of this pandemic will be felt for a very long time. We have yet to learn all we have lost.

Education has almost stopped for nearly a year and those that needed the benefits and services that schools offered, suffered the most. Some children that lived in poverty couldn’t even be located. If you are asking how I know this…it is because I know the people that work with them. They simply can’t be found.

We were told to stay away from our elderly parents. To keep them safe I was told to stay away. My father turned 86 last April. I had to give him his cake and presents in the garage. I then walked out of the garage after laying his cake and presents on his tractor and backed away. I wasn’t able to hug him. He wasn’t able to hug me or my daughter. I drove away that day crying…I felt I was cheated….and now…it’s even more real of how much I truly lost.

In order to protect my Dad and Mom, we as children stayed away. Two of my sisters have stayed away for years…but the other two and I didn’t come as often because we all were told it was unsafe.

Today at the doctors office, I listened to the MRI report given by my Dads doctor. Severe dementia…blood not moving around the brain…brain is deteriorating. I knew that’s what the report would say…but still to hear the report read aloud seemed like it was a dream.

The part I keep playing in my memory over and over again is my Dad asking the doctor if the report said everything was ok…and I didn’t wish to be in the doctors shoes at all.

Doctors have such a hard job…he gave my father dignity. He told him that his body is strong, but he will continue having greater difficulty finding his words. My Dad seemed ok with that. What else could he say?

Today my dad carried on conversations quite well. We are getting his sleep under control a little better, which the doctor thinks will help. He can’t take walks by himself. He can’t drive (that we already knew.) and he has to be watched closely at night.

I held myself together today…I had supernatural strength …I could feel the prayers of many. While Mom was running errands I stayed in the car with Dad. I asked him about his garden this spring and all he wanted to plant..and he didn’t miss a beat telling me what he wanted to plant. I put this in my memory bank…

He says he wants fried chicken every week…I said we can do that…and I put that in my memory bank as well.

Covid I hate you…I hate you for all you have taken, and stolen and cheated and crushed and broken. This is not how I wanted this story to end.

This is not my home or my Dad’s home…this is not the end.

We now set our eyes on spring…and the new life it brings.

2020 has been the year to take us all out of our comfort zones. This year, has been the beginning of bad and not soo bad…and then…unexpected surprises.

My husband and myself have taken a few years to invest in our business, our home, our children. We have been very quiet on the friend front…nursing some wounds and spending extra time with family. It was a sweet and special time, but we knew we needed fellowship with other people..but we were very guarded in how to find those friendships.

They started slowly…and then those friendships turned into other people that were friends…and for the first time since I have lived here…I felt a community of support and love…unconditional love.

For many of you that have been hurt by people in the church specifically, you know what I mean by “guarded”. I still remain guarded…I share private things with only a few, and I have finally trusted again.

Pre-Covid….I was busy. I threw myself into every ministry I could think of…I signed myself up to be busy, and busy I was. I went to more retirement homes and charity events in clown and I do NOT regret any of it. It was where I was supposed to be on the journey to heal my heart. I had a job to do and a need to fulfill and I did so.

When Covid hit, it literally closed all of those doors. After we all realized that even with a year, we still have uncertainty about when those clowning opportunities will open up…and in the meantime…God opened up other doors.

The door opened for me to play keyboard at our church leading worship for one of our church services. What makes this opportunity so unique, that as a pianist….I said I would never touch a keyboard. I said those words to our music pastor who was actually talking about this very thing with me today before our service. He is now ahead of our media…but he is a very talented musician, and any advice he gives or encouragement I find important to listen to.

As a pianist, I have only done offertory for church services…I have never helped with worship. It is humbling. Right now I’m filling in for the previous keyboard player because she’s having a baby. I thought I would have more time before I was on my own…but alas…I do not. Playing a keyboard when you have only played a classic piano…at first feels like cheating…it’s weird…it doesn’t feel the same at all. Playing keyboard now for modern worship is completely different than playing an offertory. You no longer have sheet music…you now have chords…and you have a bit of a learning curve. Right now, I’m in the learning curve.

Today, as I stood in front of my church…the weight of my responsibility hit me. It hit me hard…

Since I was seven I have played piano…it was the one thing I was very good at. I was a very good performer…even the biggest mistakes I could cover up…because somehow I just…knew how to do that. I did have one small thing that everyone that knew me…knew to watch for. My leg would shake uncontrollably after about three minutes into a song…I had to work really hard to camouflage it. I would look cool and collected in my face and arms…but that leg…ugh.

Today, as I started to play…my leg started to shake…and since now that I’m playing keyboard and standing…this creates a whole new problem. Also, did I mention that my husband and I are the eldest members of the band? Oh, and we have a brand new pastor…ya know…no big deal.

As I started playing the second song…I saw many in the congregation raise their hands (we are an evangelical church…this is normal😬) this calming presence came over me. I wasn’t alone, I wasn’t there to perform…I was there to lead people in worship. My leg instantly stopped shaking…and I relaxed. There was nothing more powerful to me…than watching people worship the One true creator, and working hard so that they could do so.

I practice everyday….because it’s been years since I have played. I have so much to learn…and I’m grateful that this door opened for me.

I can honestly say…that without Covid…I never would have had time…I never would have felt the call. I never would have said yes when my husband suggested it. Without Covid, I would have not opened my heart to the new friends…I would have continued to fill it with as many opportunities of clowning I could get my hands on…but God shut that door for awhile…so I would walk through another.

Sometimes, those closed doors bring us to new opportunities that we never would have been ready for.

I’m grateful that He chose me for this very small role. I stand in awe…I was blessed to have a front row seat of watching true worship to our great God.

May His Name Be Praised!