Author: jme71te

Today the sun was shining, the snow is melting and I was finally able to wash my disgusting car. There were donuts at the meeting and my green tea latte was perfection.

I had another meeting and continue dealing with a mess that I’m near the end of dealing with and that makes my heart even happier…but I am weary. After the meeting I headed to the gym…kind of angry…

I was angry my dad is dealing with dementia and how it’s affecting all that love him, and I was mad that I was still cleaning up messes of others, and I really wish there were consequences for those that are irresponsible. It feels the buck always stops with me.

As I sat down at the rowing machine, I didn’t want to start..:I was defeated before I began…and then…I said…I’m doing it…I’m going to do it today.

For five weeks I have tried to row three miles in thirty minutes…and I have failed every week. I’ve gotten close but never succeeded….until today! Today I was angry and sad…and I took out my frustrations on a rowing machine…and walked away quite happy!! Success!!!

Life is difficult…right now all of us are managing life at different difficulties. I’m not aware of too many people that aren’t struggling one way or the other. Covid has been hard…continues to be a struggle, and we all are just done.

Sometimes, we need to let go…and do something fun…and that’s what I did. I came home and tried on my new overalls for my clown costume and put it all together…and for my dog to join in on the fun!

Go do something fun and out of the ordinary…and make someone smile! We can do this!!!

We have had unusually cold weather here where we live. I believe every state but Florida. Seems to be covered with ice and snow. I feel a bit responsible since I’ve asked for a big snow for about eight years…and it all seemed to be delivered at the same time. All eight years worth, in the span of three miserable weeks.

I woke up today happily…the sun was shining. We had double digits instead of minus…and there was just a tiny bit of snow falling. My playlist was even awesome…seemed to know exactly what I wanted to hear. We all had power…let’s do this!

After work I drove to my parents house to pick up my teen who stays there when I’m at work…and that’s where my day just stopped.

My father has recently been diagnosed with dementia and we are struggling to find medications to help. We seemed to find one that was working but now not soo much.

I asked him how he was doing and he told me not very good and then proceeded to tell me this story. To him it was very real. It really happened. …and that was the hardest part of all.

I never thought that my experience clowning in a retirement home would be something that I could actually refer back to…but it was. I didn’t argue…I just listened. I had learned enough to know that arguing wasn’t helpful. Instead. I held back the tears…and listened. It’s a story I can’t talk about without crying…I just canNOT.

Since Covid, and my parents locking themselves away from society to keep from getting it seems to have severe consequences. Medications and physical activity was helping. Throw in a severe winter and Covid restrictions, and this is one of the consequences.

I have no idea how to navigate this. I have no idea how to help him. I first need to quit crying…

My Dad could tell the best stories and jokes. He sang the best songs that nobody else knew..”I see the moon, the moon sees me.” He drove only Chevy pickup trucks. With the window down and one arm on the windowsill. He let me ride in the back, on the wheel. I don’t know if they even allow that anymore. I would sing at the top of my lungs while my blonde hair flew. My sister in the cab, shaking her head and mouthing how weird I was.

My Dad worked seven days a week at General Mills Flour. Told me not to buy anything but. He built our house, built the barn our horses were in, and built fences without a machine. To this day, my favorite time of day is early evening. When the work is all done, and everyone comes home for dinner. My Dad would talk about work, tell his latest joke…and then go work outside.

My Dad has a great sense of humor, Used Old Spice and was great at cannonball. He taught me not to cry ever…but bawled harder than me at my first husbands funeral.

He taught me to work hard…and when that didn’t work…work harder. He was always early…to everything. When you said you would do something….you did it…because you said you would.

I have no idea where or how or why we have been called to this journey…but we have no choice but to push through.

You think I would learn this by now….but alas, I still say it with great conviction.

I once said I hated camping…..

I also said I hated fishing, no desire for kayaking…

I said I hated dressing up….it was beyond my comfort zone….

I said I would never join a gym….but for the last month…that’s where I have been.

I said I was done with meeting new friends….and getting involved in church. I said I would never touch a keyboard, never play in church…but here I am.

I said I would never homeschool my kids but I have for twelve years… I said I would never lift my hands in praise to God as I sing in church but I do every week.

I said I said I swore…and I swore…because I was so sure.

The problem with making statements like that is that life circumstances change. We Change. What we imagine we would never have time for…..we all the sudden see how to make time for it. Time wasters are seen as just that…time wasters.

My husband has been very good at teaching me that. We work together and we play together. This winter has been rough…the extreme temperatures have made indoor activities a must…and we have probably watched more tv than I care to imagine. However, I’ve gotten some awesome soap projects done…

I’m working on keyboard for church…and I hope to start ukele soon. I have been very faithful at the gym, and we are getting a lot done for school.

I wrote this to say, I could think of a million more things I would like to do and accomplish. I would love to be a better clown and love to be better at keyboard and ukulele.

I still still don’t have juggling down…and for my career, I still need more education on gem study.

I have so many things that I wish I was better at…but I’m happy that my “never will do that” was only temporary. I also said I would never be a crazy plant lady….but here I am!

In a world that seems bent on making everything into something. It seems determined to suck every bit of joy from us…turn it off…and see how we can all better ourselves…what does that looks like? In return, I think the world will be a better

place! I also believe that we will be better people. When we look at how we can improve the world, instead of how the world should improve us…lots of things change…for the better.

Oh my goodness! You would think that our city has been told that we will not have food or water or heat for sixty days the way people are complaining lately…

Instead, let me remind you: winter is a season. February is a month where winter is normal. What we are experiencing is winter….and some people like it. However, I speak from experience when I say that saying I like snow and winter gets you dirty looks and scowls.

Today, it started snowing again…I drove to the end of my street, the deer were coming out of the woods…and it was magical with the snowy background.

Am I cold? Of course. Is my car disgusting? Yes, it certainly is…but we never get this much snow…and I’m absolutely loving it.

Today, as I walked out of my gym and almost fell in the sloshy snow…I grumbled. When my car made a screeching sound as I tried to stop to abruptly for a red light, I did in fact panic.

However, if I grumble about it…will it change it? Or I could just embrace the beauty of it…I sure will feel a lot better.

Through all the grumbling I realized first of all how irritating it is for me when people don’t love my season…and how much it hurts me when they say how much they hate something I love. Then I realized…I do it also.

My least favorite season is summer. How I hate summer. I hate sweating. I hate how so many things are jam packed into summer…I hate the clothes. I hate the bugs and the sunburns. I hate the constant applying of sunscreen.

However, I realized…I’m just as bad as those who hate my favorite season…and how very exhausting it must continue to be to hear someone constantly complain.

What if we chose happy? What is something you’ve wanted to do? Something you’ve wanted to change? Something you’ve wanted to learn?

I have found that I’m happiest and the most content when I seek to do the things that bring me peace and joy.

If you are busy doing things you love…you don’t have time to sit around and complain about things you ca not change.

I started back with soap making….

I started playing piano again, writing again…and the difference has been unreal.

There is no doubt that constant changing is the mind is hard work. We are wired to look at the negative, it’s harder to look at the positive.

There are so many hurting people right now…so many that need to hear positive messages, but-most of us are too busy complaining about things we can’t change to notice.

Today, I was grumpy…it was like an Eyore kind of day…and the snow is beautiful but -13 is a bit ridiculous here in the Midwest, I honestly feel we need medals after we get through this week.. I’m gonna have to put some things into place again to help with anxiety…one of them being to turn off the news.

Tonight, I was with friends…eating fish from a fish fry…and discussing life…the ups and downs..the good and bad. My soul, my belly, my spirit was instantly lifted.

The world seems big and heavy and helpless…but we can make a difference one friend, one community, one kind word at a time. Try it….we are better together!

Today started week four at the gym! Now I find myself looking forward to it! My arms are getting firmer…legs are starting to show very slight definition…I’m pleased so far.

The happiest part is working out with my daughter. When she isn’t taking her swim intensive class for swim team, she works out with me. I can’t stress how important it is for young girls to be able to speak their frustrations about their bodies to their mothers, who can then guide them in a positive manner.

I canNOT stress enough how important it is at this awkward stage to let her know how beautiful she is. She is tall and has amazing long and curly hair. She wears braces and glasses…and is so smart and so artistically talented. She is very independent. A great thinker liked her father, funny but dry sense of humor like her dad. She is tall like her Dad….but that quirky side of her? That is totally…..me. That graceful side…me again🥴.

If you want to know why I don’t have a scale in my bathroom…ask 16 year old me…and she will gladly tell you. Years of being told I wasn’t good enough…I finally found something I could control. In a completely unhealthy way…at my worst I was down to 92 lbs…I still have the pictures….so I never forget.

It is easy to criticize those that battle their weight. Easy to look past the pain of those who seem to have it all together.

Today, in the locker room at my gym…a beautiful girl who worked hard to have her amazing body was filming herself on social media…to just say exactly that. I giggled to myself because I can never imagine being brave enough to start filming myself in a busy locker room. However, I guess if I looked like her I might not care. It’s so easy to make assumptions…I did it almost immediately as well.

Whatever your battling this year…your body, your mind, your finances….just get in each day and get it done.

I have been more productive in the last month than I have in quite some time. We are motivated to get more done. We are further in school, I’ve taken up playing piano again. I’ve been reading more. I’ve been taking time to do more hobbies…all because I feel more motivated.

I’m not telling you my tummy is all the sudden flat and my arms have amazing definition. In fact, unless you are my husband, you probably would not notice…but I do and he does…and that gives me enough motivation to continue on.

I have set a goal of six weeks….and then I will get something I’ve been wanting for a very long time…meanwhile, here’s another hobby I got to dabble in today!

Remember, those with goals…accomplish more than those with no goals.

Keep on…you can do it!

The snow has been falling….and my heart is happy. It is funny how one persons joy can make others soo mad.

How can you be mad when you see this kind of beauty?

The cold has now really come….and even though having my teeth hurt when I go outside is NOT my ideal thing…I still love that all the bugs are dying.

I love that Covid hospitaliZations are now at 18 in our city….an all new low!

I love that my Chiefs went to the Super Bowl…..

While everyone is talking about how horrible my team is and how awesome that other person is …let me remind you that we were missing several key players….and also let me remind you of a certain persons behavior and how classless it was and the refs still sided with him…

However. We will be back….and I’m not worried…but it has been a relief to fight about normal things instead of the President or Covid.

It took me a minute to realize it….but we are all finally discussing normal things. After a year, we are finally back to fighting about football.

I have been a Chiefs fan from the earliest of ages…I was a fan before it was cool. It’s where I grew up. It’s where I am from…it’s the city that made me me and my whole life and who I am.

I drove by that stadium every day from the first time I learned how to drive…

I got excited year after year….and disappointed year after year. I taught my son to be a fan…and how hard it was to be one.

It wasn’t always easy…but you stick with your team. I have no doubt we will be back…

I believe!

There are days lately that I still feel very much like this little girl used to feel. Scared to get in the big bus and go to school. This picture was me going into first grade. I went to a private school…and I was a horrible student…a dreamer.

I would daydream as the teacher was talking…I didn’t mean to, I just did. I came up with the most clever jokes and made the mistake of telling them to my friends sitting around me. Their laughter would always get me in trouble…but it never mattered…because the whole point was to make them laugh. I never cared about much else.

I had a horrible temper…and was very loyal to my friends. I forgave poorly and held grudges…but I was always known as the funny one.

Teachers hated me…my fifth grade teacher gave me the name Miss Dot after the polka dot dress I had on…and the fact I was completely clueless as to what he was talking about when he called on me. Apparently we were talking about the clock and he was asking what time it was. I believe I had a sarcastic comment and he thought he would be funny and call me Miss Dot. I never got his joke, nor did I ever wear that dress again…

However, nearly 30 years later….it became the perfect name for her….

This week I plan on revealing a slightly upgraded character from this one….so stay tuned.

I canNOT believe that it’s been a year since I’ve made anyone smile…while in clown….

However, I have high hopes. The cases keep going down…more things keep happening enabling us to return to normal life, and even fighting about sports has made me feel like some sort of normalcy is returning!

I almost threw my clown hat in….I almost gave it up completely. I would have, if I hadn’t had so many people tell me NOT to stop.

Please know how many people that you touched by getting me to NOT quit. I don’t take that responsibility lightly and will do my best to continue to train and learn new things…to keep the laughter going!

May you look around and see the good….find joy in the normal….and be grateful for the beautiful snow…she is a true beauty! She’s really showing off this year for all of us!

Last night, I stood in my living room as four of the most beautiful souls entered into it. It has been almost three years since we have seen them. It was eighteen months since we had seen them and then Covid hit, making another year go by.

When one of your besties moves to the other side of the world, it kind of becomes overwhelming. I’m not sure there are too many that found that this year was not overwhelming.

For those of you that know me…know that crying doesn’t come easily…and when I do cry…either I’m very angry…or someone is dying. I just don’t do it.

She hugged me, and I hugged her…and then I sobbed…like loud sobbing…

I didn’t realize how much I had missed her…how much I needed her touch and her hug. Our daughters giggled and smiled all night long…finally together again and our husbands talked well into the late evening.

Friends are important…friends are what keeps us grounded and keeps us pushing onward. When we don’t have that support group anymore…we begin to lose our zest for life. Negative thoughts can go unchecked because we have no one else to share our opinions with. We have slowly and carefully began to go into friend groups again…with great caution.

The hardest part of covid has been the part you can’t see. The part that makes us human…the part that makes all of life worth it. The smiles you give to another, a kind word, a compliment. You never see these things in the animal world…they don’t say to each other that they are having an awesome hair day. This is only a human attribute that we are greatly lacking right now because we have been doing our best to keep everyone as safe as possible…but in that…we have lost touch with one another.

Even though I own a business, work out safely at a gym, attend a church with a mask mandate as well…and see lots of people…I still miss that human touch. That hug, that special smile…and I had no idea until she hugged me and the tighter she hugged me the more I cried…because I was so I overwhelmed at finally being able to see her. There’s just something about someone who knows all your dirt…the good and the bad of you. No need to explain yourself because she already knows…that can’t be bought…that can’t be explained.

I pray as the vaccines start rolling out, and as we all begin to recover slowly…that everyone will take extra time for the hugs…and the tears…because they will come…and they will surprise you…but that’s ok…let them come!

I live in the Midwest. It snows here, but every year people seems surprised. The beauty of the snowfall never gets old…but it’s always covered in negative people who shout how much they hate it. The snow doesn’t care…and neither should I.

As I drove around town this afternoon, I saw kiddos sledding. I saw men and women shoveling sidewalks with Chiefs gear on…and it almost made me cry with happiness.

I was so very grateful for normalcy. Dogs running down the fence row barking at each other. They were happy because their owners were home and they had been let out.

Whoever thought that normal things that we always took for granted, would be so needed.

I’ve been reading a book that is about literally rewiring your brain into positive thinking. It is soo hard.

I could have taken my drive today and instead of seeing the beauty, I could feel the cold. I could be in a bad mood because my car is dirty, and now my floors in my store are as well. I could hate coats and gloves and all cold weather gear….or, I could see the beauty…the joy. I could be excited our beloved Chiefs are going to the super bowl. I could be thrilled that the numbers in our hospital in our area are the lowest they have been since May. I could be thrilled that our city is running and doing well…or I could concentrate on the bad things going on in our city.

I could complain about our President…or I could pray for him. I could be overwhelmed with all the duties that have been made mine…or grateful for doctors and modern medicine.

I could be mad my son doesn’t have all I’m person classes at his university, or I could be just excited about all the amazing opportunities that he is getting right now

Life is heavy….things right now cannot be controlled and many of us are at a loss. However. I can continue to be a light to those that around me. I could make life happier for everyone around me simply because I focus on the good.

My house is warm. I have plenty of food. I have great kids and a great husband. I have a great store and live in a sweet and supportive community with amazing people.

Turn off the noise…change the toxic thoughts…and imagine life in the positive. It’s a constant job…but one I’m sure will be worth the challenge!

I think that is my word for the year. Who knows? I think sometimes it’s ok to let the year tell you how to change. After last year, I almost feel like it’s crazy to make a plan for the year because life can’t really be planned like it used to be anymore. I hope that someday that will change…but with this pandemic and the crazy of life…it just feels heavy and out of control.

Last year I think I can define as many have, as disappointing and learning to be flexible while slightly panicked. I also feel that for my family, my anxiety was for naught. God took care of our needs and a lot of our wants and we learned to be creative with travel.

Right now, there still seems to be this edge in the air that I actually thought would be dissipating, but it doesn’t seem to be happening. It seems to be just getting worse.

I cant change our country or the feelings that everyone seems to be feeling…but I can change me.

Tonight….as I worked out on a stair climber…I looked outside the huge windows of my gym and saw the most amazing sunset. It was as if God was wrapping His arms around me and saying He sees me…and He is the same today, tomorrow and forever .

I want to conquer so many things this year…but one of the biggest is fear and negative thoughts. Today, I heard some very hard news about my Dad. I was the comforter instead of him comforting me. All I could think of to make him feel better was take him by Chic Fil A. It worked! He was much happier when I dropped him off at home then he was in the neurologist office.

Life makes no promises on happiness. Today, I was grateful for cotton candy sunsets, chicken sandwiches and patient and caring nurses that take their jobs very seriously.

I am grateful for rowing machines that let me take out my aggressions on them as I continue to conquer my goal for 2021.

What is on your “conquer” list?

The older we become , the more regrets we have.

I remember being in college, my life seemed to stretch for miles in front of me. Who would I marry? What career would I have? How many children? Just exactly where would life take me?

Then the next minute I’m sore for running a mile on a treadmill…and I find myself with regrets.

Getting older means looking back on life and taking inventory of our accomplishments as well as our failures. The list of failures for me would probably fit easily in a book. That realization of failure makes me want to climb under the covers and never come out.

The days you get off the sofa and come out swinging is where your character really shows. On the days you feel defeated, the days you feel it’s too hard and the days you feel your mistakes outnumber your successes is the day you need to fight harder than ever.

My trophies and medals are on display….in my laundry room 🥴. They mean a lot to me and I appreciate them…but they don’t deserve a prominent place in my home. I’m grateful for being recognized and happy that my hard work was noticed…but all awards fade…and all applause is drowned out…by the whisper of lies that is given to me and to you. The lies that no matter what good you accomplish that you are not worthy of the Saviors love.

I have disappointed people. I have hurt people with mean words said with hatred and fear…and that is what those people will always think of when they think of me. I believe that if you are a semi nice person, that realization can be crippling.

We have a choice when we make mistakes. We can either own it and move on…or we can wallow in it. I personally like to do a little bit of both.

If you were raised in an environment that was extremely negative and you never felt worthy, this can make you feel that you are indeed worthless.

Today, I am sad and feel quite inadequate. When I feel this way, my first instinct is to retreat, withdraw, wither, and completely pull the covers over my head and never get out of bed.

I want to quit all the things that bring me joy. I want to go live in a deserted cabin and whittle wood. Ok…I have no idea how to whittle.

I’m so glad that my Savior does not love me like that. I’m grateful that I can come to Him and He will forgive me completely. I’m so glad that He does not hold my wrongs against me and compare them to my good deeds. I’m so grateful that after I confess and He forgives it is forgotten and I am washed clean. I’m so glad that I don’t have to work my way to forgiveness or His love. Because I will never ever be good enough. My flesh is weak and I am selfish. Thankful that He knows this about me as well.

For now…I’m slowly getting back up….wiping myself off…and moving forward. I have no idea how long that will take me to regain confidence. I have no idea how I will do it….bit by bit….I will keep charging ahead. Thankful for the unexpected surprises of encouragers that He sends my way.