Author: jme71te

I needed today. I needed to do things I don’t normally do.

We are taking this week off. We needed a break after Christmas and all the craziness that goes on with that. We are very grateful for the amazing Christmas we had but it is mentally and physically exhausting. Plus having two staff members quit two days before Christmas makes it even more exhausting. The challenges of owning a small business this year have been very challenging, and we both feel it.

Today, I took my daughter to a few of my favorite shops downtown and it was medicine to my soul….

Isn’t it funny how when we start just having conversations with strangers how that heals our hearts. It was so nice to converse with people today. I love the owner of this plant store. She’s soo sweet. She took an interest in my daughter and her questions and now my daughter decided she loves plants to!

I cannot tell you what to think politically, or how to vote. I don’t want to have a conversation with you about what’s wrong with the government. I don’t want to hear the words Covid or censorship or vaccinate or not to vaccinate. I just want to see you smile. I just want to hear your story. I just want to listen to how you’ve made it through this horrible year.

I want to hear about your time missed with family. I want to hear about friends you’ve lost. I want to hear about things you have missed and what you can’t wait to do. I want to hear about the good as well. New adventures you took..things you ended up liking that you never thought you would…and what changes that made for you.

So many want to start the conversation with things we cannot control. I voted, I made my vote count…and that is what is within my power. The rest is up to me in how I speak to those who have different opinions than me.

I miss traveling. I miss being in different cultures and different ideas. I miss seeing the other side of things. I miss so much of what I used to take for granted . Never thinking twice about it.

I feel that being in our own houses, separated from everyone has made us think that things are worse than they really are. That the media is telling us that things are horrible and that we all should feel helpless…but I don’t feel that all is lost yet…

My hope is in Jesus. Not who is in the white house. No matter who is in the Oval Office, there has always been difficulties.

I pray doe peace within our nation. I pray for the end of coronaviris. I pray for no more suffering. I pray that we can travel and go places and no more masks.

For now, I ask you to get out…speak to your local citizens…and start being the positive change we all need to see.

Today, I slept in until almost 9 am. There were no interruptions of power going out. I opened my curtains and saw white stuff on the ground. I let my dog out and there was sleet coming down which changed over to big white fluffy flakes. It was like I was little all over again!

I used to despise the snow…I hated how my car would get gross inside and out. I hated driving in it. I hated the boots and all the gear and bundling up the kids…and the soggy boots. The dog and his wet paws…I hated it all.

Then, my kids got bigger. We ditched the mini van. My perspective changed…and I changed how I looked at the world.

I have been wanting a big snow for awhile. We just kept getting ice…and today…I got my wish…

Snow is peaceful…it hushes everything. It costs everything and makes it beautiful. I think that’s why I love it so much. It feels like the cleansing of your soul. The absolute beauty just completely overwhelms me.

As I stood at the window drinking coffee as the flakes got bigger…I was reminded of all that I had to be grateful for.

This year has taught us all the good and bad of people. We have been able to see the most selfish among us…to the true heroes. The toilet paper hoarders and those that go the extra mile.

We’ve all watched small business owners rise up, when the big box stores gladly took their extra share. We’ve watched people gifted in sewing donate their time and efforts to make sure people had masks. We’ve heard the people claim masks don’t work (I admit I felt that way in the beginning). We’ve seen the good, the bad and the ugly of our fellow man.

Today, felt like a promise. A day of beauty after all the ugly this year has given us. A chance to be quiet and listen as even nature hushes the universe. A chance to start fresh…as we begin a new year.

Happy New Year!

My father has always been the strongest man I know. He could fix anything. He would call me and tell me to make sure my hose was not connected to the house in the winter. He did countless home improvement projects for my sisters and myself. Taught me how to properly paint. Taught me how to keep meticulous records of my oil changes. Taught me how to drive in the snow, and always keep your gas tank at least halfway full.

He taught me how to drive in the city, and when to use my blinker and when to not. He taught me how to merge on the Highway, and to Never stop. He taught me how to work hard, and never give up. He taught me how not to be taken advantage of and how to stand up for myself. He taught me how to ride a bike by pushing me down a hill on a gravel road, and yes I did figure it out. He took me camping and fishing and canoeing and taught me how anything can be fixed.

He had a great sense of humor…was never shy and was the hardest working man I know. Working seven days a week at General Mills so my sister and I could go to a private school and live in a nice house.

For the past couple of years I’ve helped with a few things. Taking he and my mother to doctor appointments and helping them with the checkbook (something my dad could always do with ease). During Covid I did a lot…and then the last six months what I had feared came true.

Not sure if you have ever sat in a doctors office and listened to the answers your father has given to the doctor and cried on the inside…but that’s what happened. As he struggled to answer the questions of what season we were in and what month…I felt helpless and sad.

The doctor confirmed what I already knew…he said it to me low enough so that my Dad couldn’t hear. Some type of Alzheimer’s…not sure what one. He prescribed medication to begin immediately and then we have more appointments with the neurologist to confirm the doctors opinion.

When my mom went in to get my dads pills my Dad continually kept saying how dumb he felt for giving the wrong answers…my only reply I could give is that sometimes I forget what day it is…because I do.

I haven’t allowed myself to cry yet…the doctor says he’s hoping this will slow it down…

Will time just slow down? Can we all just get back to when things were happy and people were not sick and life was beautiful!?

Why does life has be to be soo cruel and take people before I’m ready to say goodbye? I have no idea what to expect…I have no idea how to navigate…but I will figure it out one day at a time.

My dad made my daughter a duplicate of my playhouse he made for me when I was a little girl. I will never part with it….

Oh life you are hard…

Normally January is my favorite month. It’s my planning month. It’s the month that I can reflect, be still…watch snow fall with a cozy cup of coffee. Walk around with no makeup on and leggings and warm socks while the washer is going and the crockpot is making some amazing soup…and I’m helping my daughter with homeschooling. Those are my favorite days. The “at home” days.

I usually plan clowning events for the year until summer…plan the themes for which I will do games at the retirement homes. I plan for teaching courses….but as for everyone, this year is different.

I sat down this evening, and I changed some things. My husband went to bed early, because the holidays always kick us in the butt…and the anxiety of this year has been no different, it’s added to the already stressful times of year. As I folded laundry, cleaned the kitchen, paid the bills…And I thought about what I could be Intentional about this year.

My husband and I are in the market for a rowing machine. I’ve done running…and after breaking my leg on a 5K race…I’m sure that I will never feel confident enough to run again…but I still want to be fit. This year I wanted to replace my rugs. Get a new couch and update a few pieces in my wardrobe and take advantage of some shoe sales…which I have done.

Like most Americans…I usually don’t put much thought into purchases…it’s cute…ok…let’s have it…but there’s this age you become…where you just want to vomit if one more thing comes into your house. Right now the sales are extreme as the retailers make their last push to get rid of winter products before they launch spring. Can I just say how irritating that is. It’s barely winter…and if I lose all the gloves in my house…I will only be able to purchase swimsuits in February NOT gloves. In other years this would annoy me slightly…with Covid it enrages me…where are we all going in swimsuits? We can’t go anywhere yet anyway!!!!

For awhile now, I’ve tried to do the rule of whatever I bring into my house….something else must go. It’s been working….but that urge, that panic that sets in that I just may not have a sweater to wear for the winter feels real…even though it isn’t. The latest and greatest toothbrush that sanitizes, I should have that…because you know….Covid. If I don’t have this in my house I would be ready for “the gram”.

Today We cleaned. We purged…we cooked, we did laundry…and turned off the noise. Sometimes the noise is what you think brings you joy. You only need to turn it off to realize the immediate calm that fills your soul.

My dog Charlie is happy Christmas is over…he has his favorite spot back….

I hope the next few days you will enjoy some sparkle lights a bit more…and realize…we all don’t need all the things…that won’t bring you joy…just clutter and a skinnier wallet.

My son has gone back to his apartment, nearly three hours away from me. He has gone back to his job, his life as an RA for the college he attends and back to his fancy apartment, that being an RA allows him to live.

This visit was the shortest in the history of ever that he has ever stayed…and even though I wish it was longer….I am just thankful for the time I do get.

Having three adult children the delicate dance is difficult. One that is in college we try to give him his freedom but at the same time he needs to respect the fact that staying out until late will no longer work for our schedule that we keep. We also have a 13 year old who needs a schedule.

I have a ritual when my son leaves now…I try to clean his room and wash all bedding and towels immediately. I try not to cry…as I clean. I know I only have one more year before the room will be packed up as he leaves for his new life. I look at the pictures of elementary sports and jr high and high school. I go through his senior book I made and his Eagle Scout book….and wonder where the time went.

Every time he comes home he gets taller…either that or I shrink.

Adult children are complicated. How much do I say? What advice do I give? When do I keep my mouth shut and when do I speak up. When do I quit worrying about them?

The little boy that loves Buzz Lightyear and Star wars and lightsabers is gone…maybe someday he will return when my son has a child of his own…but for now those are just memories.

The last four days have been a sucker punch to me. I hate change…but yet, it surrounds me.

Today, our pastor left…a new door has opened for him and we are so sad to see he and his wife go..and uncertainty with the direction of our church looms.

I’m reminded of the fact that my father is starting to have memory issues…and I have to tell you it hurts more than I ever dreamed it would.

This is also a time of difficulties with family. They see things differently…feelings are hurt. Tempers soar…and people refuse to offer any assistance. Sometimes it’s left unfairly, to one person…sometimes it’s spread out.

For me, how do I create balance? How do I cut out the negativity when dealing with such hard things? I’m not sure….I’m still trying to figure it all out. I guess in the end…I have to let some people answer for their own decisions…and not allow their selfishness to rob me of my joy.

Change comes to all of us…of that I’m aware… it why does change have to happen so often, so quickly…and why do I have tears so often?

Why does life make us all hurt soo much?

There was a day when I thought the hardest thing I had to do was teach my children to read and be able to use the facilities by themselves. I remember the nights when they both could shower by themselves! What joyous freedom that brought! if I only knew the more freedoms I gave them, the sooner they would be ready for flight…because that would mean they were prepared.

Now, I prepare the last one for flight…and it’s already flying by….she’s halfway to 14…and I’m at a loss as to why we are here so fast.

Take the picture, take over the chicken for dinner. Take the trip, and remember how quickly it all goes and changes.

Today, I slept in until almost 9 am….it felt glorious.

I had three things on my list of things to do. Make my bed, water my plants and clean my kitchen. I was successful. For two weeks I have lived at my store. When not at my store I have been working on social media non stop…and it was successful. So, everyone is so anxious to take down Christmas…and I’m still enjoying it being around.

Each year I get a little bit more subtle…but it will stay up for one more week…and then the winter theme will be in full force with a bit of Valentine influence….

Like many of you I have no idea what to expect from this year. I normally have grand plans and adventures….but this year….I’m determined to do something I haven’t done in quite a while.

I’m going to work so that the hikes I take this year don’t hurt as much. The kayaking gets more adventurous and isn’t just done on a lake. The camping becomes at least twice a month for the weekend instead of four times for the whole season.

I’m going to learn to play my ukulele….so that I can use it during clowning…..

And I’m going to do one thing that puts me out of my comfort zone….which I’ve already put the plans into place for.

Those are things…that I can plan. I can plan dinners and how we eat and how we spend our time. those are things I can dream about…and other things are just icing on the cake.

I no longer make the statement…that it will be over by such and such timeframe…I just deal with the here and now…praying to always be ready for whatever is thrown my way.

These past two years have shown me that God is faithful. No matter how bleak our circumstances appear. He has shown me that I need to not fear and worry…even though I still do it. He has shown me again and again that He has my back…but I constantly ask.

This new year sounds scary…and uncertain…and exciting as well…but rest in the fact that He who began a good work in you…will complete it. And now…give it to God, and go to sleep.

This time last year I was planning for the best year of my life. Not one person on the planet could have predicted the year and all the events that followed.

There is not a person on the planet who can say they are not happy to see this year end…but there are many amazed at how we made it through.

As an owner of a retail store I am amazed at the amazing God we serve and filled with complete awe and gratitude with our community. Our Christmas exceeded last year and our Christmas Eve was the busiest we have ever been in the history of ever. Many times throughout the day I fought back tears of gratefulness. To be able to make it through a pandemic, government shutdowns, looting at many stores in our industry…I stand amazed. Out of the ashes comes amazing miracles. I have an amazing staff and a great town…that supported us and we are so grateful.

Last night was difficult…my son for the first time saw first hand how my Dad is starting to show the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s. It was hard..it was scary…and I found myself quite overwhelmed. As my son and I drove home we had a chance to talk about life and how quickly it seems to change. Everyone thinks that people will always be there…that they have all the time in the world to “get around to visiting.” The truth is…they can’t. All the excuses we dream up…all the things we are busy with will one day not matter. My Dad who could fix anything, do math in his head, and figure how much carpet you would need in a room without a calculator, is no longer the same. He forgets what day it is (sometimes so do I)….but the challenges have now become greater and the battle is all mine…yet again.

We only get one life…we only get so much time to make an impact….and I don’t want to have regrets.

This life gives you good and bad….and sometimes that good and bad can occur on the same day. The fun of a great holiday…with the realization that someone is suffering…and things will never be the same again.

My son called me tough last night. He has seen me do hard things. Things that most moms don’t have to do…I’ve worn all the hats….I’ve done all the things….but I like myself best right now.

I continue to sit with the broken…work with the broken. Because, I’m so very broken.

Christmas was good and bad for so many. We had a daughter who didn’t come because of covid concerns. Had to split up Christmas visits…and opened presents on zoom calls. However, take the good with the bad…know that we won’t always be like this…and life will resume as normal once again.

Edited to add: Apparently, there are some family members who are upset that I wrote about my Dads condition on a public forum. He does NOT have a diagnosis from a doctor. However, those that are around him daily or several times a week would agree that it is either that diagnosis or another one similar. As difficult as it is to accept…there are amazing things that doctors can now do to help with quality of life which is my hope. Those frustrated or feeling blind sighted should ask themselves the question…where have I been that I haven’t been involved to see this for myself? I’m not here to ease your guilt.

I have a new couch floating in the ocean….it’s waiting to enter port by California. California is basically closed….so like a ton of others…I wait.

A year ago, I looked at 2020 to be the best year ever…but like many, I’ve learned just how good I’ve got it.

So far, as of the date of this writing, my family has not had Covid. You could argue that we have great immunity. You could argue that we got our flu shot. You could argue that even from the beginning we have been pretty careful. The last few months we have been extremely careful. I know that many have…and I can’t explain how we haven’t gotten it and others have.

Many still argue about the validity of wearing a mask. All I can say is I was skeptical in the beginning. Listening to the experts who could not even figure out what was true what wasn’t. I will tell you that I do believe that masks work, because I’ve seen the proof of that with my own eyes. When they are worn properly, they are effective. When they are worn below your nose and on your chin, they cease to be effective.

Many argue about the shot….I have no opinion. I have friends in the medical field getting it and I have family members getting it…and I will wait for the their expertise.

This year I have watched my daughter learn to cook, increase in her ability to be a fabulous artist. We have logged some serious math hours…as we have now jumped ahead a semester.

Our family has camped and hiked and kayaked and with the exception of the RV experience…has absolutely loved it.

We have enjoyed the state of Arkansas…and that’s pretty much as far as we have travelled this entire year…with the exception of January and February (the last time we were on a plane).

Tonight my mind won’t keep racing. Hoping I didn’t forget anything for Christmas…at work, my staff. Checking schedules and contests and making sure we have sufficient food for the two dinners we will have . Much smaller than in years past…but nevertheless, we must eat.

I refuse to look at next month. I refuse to worry about all the changes. I refuse to get bogged down with all the ugly that I see in this world. I refuse to give up. I feel that that is what so many are doing.

I to, have bad days…days I just don’t care anymore. Days I can’t think of one more positive spin to put on everything.

Truth is, I’m sick of not being able to travel. I’m sick of not being able to plan for the year. I’m ticked that my couch won’t be here for Christmas, and I’m sick of seeing how much money people have spent purchasing online instead of local businesses. Truth be told, I’m pretty steamed at people who continually are confused at why small businesses go out of business but go to the big box stores for inferior products…..and then bring it to my store for us to fix. 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️ I’m tired of seeing kids not being able to sit on Santa’s lap…instead they sit behind a glass screen. I’m tired of wearing masks and not being able to see people’s faces. I’m tired of not being able to hug people. I’m tired of not being able to clown. I’m tired of not being able to have people over to my house. I hate the word “virtual” and never want to hear it again. I despise the phrase “in this together”. And I think that as soon as this is over we never hear the words “cancelled, because of covid” ever again. I never want to hear the words “essential employees” and “non essential”. Don’t want to hear the word stimulus checks. I just want to hear: “Here is your couch! You can go to Morocco now! How about clowning around! And the entire neighborhood is coming over for dinner, and everyone needs a hug.”

We will get there someday….and me sitting here trying to “will” it to happen….won’t make it happen sadly. It will just mean that I will be one tired woman tomorrow.

I have a sign that I got from the one Christmas party we were able to go to this year…and the signs says “Give it to God, and go to sleep.”

Today….I tried to forget…tried to focus on the happy….and since we don’t have snow coming…I made my own…enjoy!

Hold on everyone! We are almost there!

The older I get, the more I wish I could slow time down.

Today, I sat in church listening to a minister who is walking through the darkest trial any of us could never wish to go through. His pain was raw, new, and I sat listening to him praying for him as he spoke…his soul….his very soul is broken.

He spoke such truth…:if you have walked through the muck and mire of death then you know from where he speaks. The people who tell you that bad things only happen to bad people. Trials don’t come to those who walk with Jesus. Your trial is going to help someone else…that is why you are walking through this…these are all things I call horrible lies.

When your soul breaks…it makes a horrible sound…and only those who have lost have heard it. It is haunting…it never leaves you…and it will never be erased from the memory of anyone who has heard it. I’ve heard it a few times in my life…and when it was others…I personally cry out to Jesus for Him to help us…there is no other reaction that I ever have…just crying and crying out to Jesus.

Today, as I sat and bawled and listened to a man whose heart is broken…but still trusts Jesus….I remember that turning point that I had one night in my own apartment…with my little boy laying in his bed. His father was dead and I was left so alone…so very alone. Except l wasn’t..:it just felt that way at the time.

The words that people spoke to me in a hateful and negative way are etched into my brain….but what if..what if I chose to focus on the good of people that day…those months. What if, we looked at the good people did…instead of the pain.

I refuse to go to Ladies groups at church…at any church. I refuse to attend. I’ve been lied to, and lied about so many times that I no longer have the strength to try again. I’m tired…I’m so tired.

I instead, want to be with those who have nothing to prove…who are secret warriors. I surround myself with those that have been broken…and then have been made new.

I want to sit with the broken….because I am….broken. I will never be put back the same. I once had haughty ideas of life…and how people should act and be. I was very black and white…but life is not black and white. Life is bloody and dirty. Life makes us pay for the sins of others. Life doesn’t care how old or how pretty you are. It doesn’t care how tired or broke you are. Life knocks you off your feet and dares you to get back up again. Life tells you you are not worth it…you won’t make it.

I look back at the me before…and I don’t like her. She was judge mental, she believed bad people had bad things happen to them because they were in fact, bad…….only to find out that that wasn’t in fact true at all.

The broken can see things that those who have not been broken cannot see. That’s the beauty of Jesus…He uses the broken parts…because we that are now broken look at life with new eyes. We see the dirty, the homeless, the drunk, the beggar…the single father or mother with fresh eyes. We see the hurting, the lonely that no one else sees. We see the suffering that others miss…because we are looking for it..and that’s when the beauty really starts.

God has called us to a hurting world…but many of us want to do it with gloves on. We don’t want to get too close. Then all the sudden..we get our hands dirty…because we had something happen to us that broke that perfection shell we had, and the real transformation can now take place.

When we look at each day with “me” eyes and not “others” eyes. We will never find happiness. If we constantly seek what’s best for us…we will never know true joy.

I cannot change my past…the good, the bad. The mean things that I’ve said with an air of distrust and superiority…but I can change who I am now…how about you? Are you ready to sit with the broken? Get your hands dirty!

Everyone has people in their life that they have to learn to deal with. Right now, even small difficulties seem overwhelming and impossible. Such hurt and such sadness and I have no idea how to make it better.

Yesterday during church, I sat and reminisced of the previous two nights where I had sat with those who have been as low as life can take you. Being with them made me forget every single trouble…I had. Every single one….then today….reality.

How do you deal with those who suck out every ounce of joy and strength from you!? How do you handle people that are selfish and only look at their lives with no consideration of anyone else? I don’t know either. I just know that the only way I can usually deal with life….is to change my focus.

As I sat in church, several names were laid on my heart to not only pray but to do..to get up and exercise an act of service…an act of service with no pictures….and no self recognition.

The hardest days of my life were pre Facebook. And for that I’m grateful. The people that I remember are the ones that just sat there. Who ironed my clothes…who told me what to wear for the funeral. Who dressed my son. The ones who stood at the graveside before they could Instagram it. The ones who stood quietly nearby. The ones who were there for the ugly…the uncomfortable.

I’ve sat beside friends whose husbands have walked away from them…just like mine did. I sat in silence and prayed silently over them. I’ve sat in a room and heard the wail of a mother who lost her child…it is the sound of a soul breaking. I pray you never hear it.

I’ve cried out to God loudly and often as my own soul broke asking Him why He wanted me to walk such a broken road….He said….why not? I answered that it just too hard and that I could not do it…but with His help and so many encouragers along the way…I did just that.

I’ve watched children move out for reasons that led to destruction. I have lost countless hours of sleep while I nursed a sick child back to health constantly wondering when we should run to the emergency room. I’ve had people look at me and assume how easy my life is…never knowing the hard road that I’ve walked…and I hope the road that I’ve walked doesn’t show on my face.

I hope the lessons I have learned don’t show, I hope I haven’t become callous ….I hope the only thing that shows is empathy. If I grow old and still can only look at myself, then it has all been for nothing….if all I can ever do is see how the world treats me and never look at what I bring to the world…then I have learned absolutely nothing.

Each day that you are alive is a gift. I don’t always see it that way either…but it is. What impact are you making? What joy are you spreading?

Covid has been a nightmare. It has crushed dreams and businesses. It has killed thousands and left families destroyed forever….but our lives are still important. We still have a job to do. Be smart and creative….but we still have so many things we can do.

We can still call each other. We can even FaceTime. We can send flowers….flowers don’t have Covid. Or plants. We can do drive by to our friends and neighbors. We can and we should. We can write our friends who live far away. We can say I’m sorry, I was wrong.

At a small function last week, I received as my present a sign that says “give it to God and go to sleep.” I’m horrible at it…as I’m up right now…still upset at the” grumpy” I had to deal with today. However, I just bet…that “grumpy” is sleeping just fine…and I’m the only one awake.

This Christmas will be weird and different,just like this entire year. We have one child not coming home…and our family gathering will already be much much smaller.

As different as it may be….we have much to be grateful for. Even though right now it seems hard to find.

I encourage you to sit in the quiet…look around you…listen to that voice urging you on. Pay attention when that face and name is laid on your heart…and go and do what God has asked you to do. There is no better time than now.

Go help therefore and be a light. A light for all to see. You may just be someone’s hope.

Go bring some hope to someone…and spread Hos love.