Author: jme71te

So, here it goes…

My town has Covid, and it’s the highest our hospitalizations have ever been. This comes as no surprise, since we all knew it would spike when school started back up and sports and all of the things.

Anxiety is high…and people are scared, or they are tired and scared…or they are just plain mad. I have found that everyone seems to be all over the place….and I needed some space and quiet.

So we went to our happy place….

I needed to be in a campground surrounded by people. Everyone was distancing…we were all adequately spaced. Everyone stayed within their families.

It had been so long since I had heard a lot of people, I wasn’t even mad at the loud campers or the loud music. I was grateful for laughter, and being around people. Listening to kids sing and laugh and scream and ride bikes…and for a few days…Covid wasn’t so much a thought. It was a nice distraction. I hope that I will always be that way…grateful for people and for normalcy. Grateful for the outdoors and camping…and social distancing done at its finest. I will also say that people did quiet down at the quiet times with no issues whatsoever…even the animals were on good behavior.

One more camping trip before the end of season is here.

I should be sleeping…but in my head a million things are going by. Worries about things at work, worried about if I have to go to jury duty next week. Of all the crap going on right now, you would think we would not have jury duty…but it’s 2020…so no surprise.

Today, was a beautiful and productive day…but it left me with spare time to catch up on things I don’t get to do while I’m at work. While I’m folding laundry or doing MUNDANE tasks I like to listen to certain things on social media…and the overwhelming majority of influencers were talking about women…and the conversation was not complimentary.

It seems in all our spare time…and being home now more than ever…many of us have decided to take that time and use our words for evil.

I’ve seen it a hundred times…even have had some rude comments to me with just my hand full of followers…and I’m amazed at it every time. I’ve seen people ask for advice on if they should hang a simple picture. So we as women decide that we need to tell them that not only is their picture ugly, but they need a new rug, a new light fixture and probably should build a new house.

I’ve seen women bear their souls and then immediately be attacked…they are fat, need to lose weight. Their eyes are too close together…how much money do they make being an influencer? Some of them are told they are bad moms…and I’m just amazed.

Thankfully, I’m not an influencer…because right now I’m not sure I could handle it.

I’ve become that woman…I no longer look very far for friends…unless I grew up with you…I’m not really gonna trust you. I only trust the women I work in the trenches with. You want to know a woman who won’t hurt you or let you down? Look for the ones that are busy serving. Look for the ones who wake up each day ready to fight for others…that’s who you want on your team.

I have no patience for women who come and complain to me about people who are mean to them, that disappoint them and let them down…and then on social media they build up that same person.

I’m 46, and I still am amazed at how we as women are our own worst enemy. We seem to be upset at people who succeed. Women who seem to have it all we say we hate. Women who struggle we seem to delight in their frustrations. We have groups where we actually make fun of people and what they do and how they live? We sit around and have an opinion on every single thing that every woman does. If she’s successful…we hate her. If she’s a mess…we make fun of her. We don’t build up…we tear down. Then we wonder why so many of us need to be on medication.

Social media has been the biggest detriment on relationships. What could be used for good we have now used against us. We value our worth on the opinion of strangers…trust me….I’m guilty too.

We don’t have real relationships…because we are too tired to. We don’t trust anyone. I’ve gotten to the point that I don’t text people that much because I’m afraid how and why it will be used against me. What In the world is that all about?

I think the age group that seems to be the happiest, is the 60ish age group on up. They seem to have real relationships. They don’t spend a lot of time on the social media platforms. They talk to each other at church. They stop at the grocery store and restaurants. They hug each other…compliment each other on outfits and hair. They have coffee and visits at the hair dressers. They miss each other and tell each other so…They care about good books and good food. They have incredible stories…and wise advice on many subjects.

My age group is stressed and have their phones going off over and over again. We are complete slaves to it. Today was my day off. I answered no less than 20 texts and 8 phone calls. I did payroll and schedules and had it all completed before 10 am. I had social media plans for my staff to do for the entire week…and then I had more emails to send…more things to post on social media. Tomorrow I meet with vendors and bookkeeper to help me…and the list goes on and on. Adult children call as soon as the job obligations are done and then I need to check the homework and schooling of the homeschool child. House needs, we need to eat and menu planning…and taking care of my elderly parents….and did I tell you , I might have jury duty😔😔😔.

If your thinking I have a solution, I don’t…I just have a plan for the way I’m gonna live.

First, I’m gonna go outside…and have nature give me the cure all. So far it’s working!

Then I’m gonna keep getting better at my hobbies …

Then, I’m gonna do some things that I enjoy…like decorating and painting….

Then, I’m gonna do some clowning when people ask me….

Then, I’m gonna be the one you can count on. The one that when she says she’s gonna show up…she will. I’m gonna be the one that gives you compliments…because we all need that. When I think you look awesome or did awesome…I’m gonna tell you.

When someone speaks badly of you…I’m gonna nip it in the bud. I’m gonna be the woman…that you know where you stand. The one that isn’t two faced…the one that does what she feels because she knows it is right. The one who speaks truth. The one who seeks justice for those that are treated badly. The one that calls out the liars, the one that seeks truth and what is right. The one who calls out others when they have wronged you. The one who creates boundaries for those that constantly take advantage. The one who is a safe place for you to lay your burdens. I have a few of these women in my life…and I hope you do to. They are out there…you can’t always see their superhero capes…but they have them…and they are real.

Where do you fit? Are you the woman sitting around spewing hate and lies about others? Are you the one that can’t stand to do anything but sit around and gossip? I can’t imagine that your truly happy…today could be your day..to make a change!

Before you all think that I’ve lost my mind…please let me explain.

I have very bad days. Days filled with once again telling my daughter disappointments and things that have been cancelled yet again. I grow weary of hearing how my son is doing at college…and all the things he is missing out on. It totally stinks that we can’t visit my husbands eldest daughter In Philadelphia without being quarantined for fourteen days first. We wonder if we can have her visit for Christmas. What will the holidays be like! And the negative relastic side of me wants to say…it will be different. There won’t be a lot of traveling…and probably alcohol will be heavily involved.

I have enjoyed for the most part, the stores that have hand sanitizer readily available…and if you frequent a store that never seems to have it, even though they sell it…perhaps you should re-consider where you spend your money. If it starts with a “W” and ends with a “t”, please for all small businesses across the country…please stop immediately…they’ve thrived through this nightmare when no one else has.

I have enjoyed the colored dots on the floor that tell people where to stand in the checkout line…that I hope doesn’t go away. I can’t tell you how many times people didn’t know about personal space and were WAY TO CLOSE to me when I was checking out. So much so, that I wanted to ask if they wanted to pay for my purchase!

I do detest the arrows that tell me which way to go. I cannot tell you the times I’ve fantasized about ripping those up and throwing them up in the air like I just don’t care. I’m tired of limits on things…I can’t wait to just go buy Clorox wipes in a four pack…because I can…or canned goods (give me six…not four) I want six!!!

I’m tired of reading a book before I walk in a store…if there was something important I would miss it…because I just can’t read six signs every time I walk in a store…telling me to wear this, don’t do this…your child must be how old to enter with you…and by the way…we don’t do cash anymore…or we only accept cash…and make sure you follow the arrows! It’s no wonder we’ve all decided to curbside everything.

I wore a mask today to church….I sang with the mask on…these are things I never thought I would say in my lifetime. I still cry when I see little kids wearing masks…

I look at my 13 year old, and I finally realiZed something. Our kids are watching how we worship, how we shop…what we complain about and how we treat each other.

At church today, I sang and raised my hands like I always do. I’m grateful that we can still worship. I’m thankful that we can still be in church. We have our masks on because our mayor has a city wide mandate because he’s trying to get the numbers back down. That’s all…no more, no less.

Trips we wanted to take are cancelled…and crying about it isn’t gonna change it. We literally have the entire world in the same boat…so what are we going to do?

Covid has taught me many things about myself….but the most interesting parts are the parts I never saw coming.

My husband and I have very stressful lives…the only way we can relax….is camping and kayaking…and even fishing. A year ago, none of those things even halfway eXcited me.

We are going camping this weekend and then the following week. We are talking about more hiking and more adventures like that. We hope to go to more exciting places once the country opens up again.

I’ve even been working on some soap products to make camping life easier…who even saw that coming?

We all agree that 2020 is a complete disaster….but what great path did it take you down, that you never would have ventured down?

The one thing that we can say about 2020 is that it taught us all to be creative. Creative how we cooked. Creative in how we entertained ourselves. Creative in how we did business and how we adapted

I think we should feel pretty proud of ourselves on how quickly we figured things out…and how we are still figuring things out.

I to want good movies back…I would love to go on the trips that I had planned for this year. I miss traveling, and seeing new cultures. I miss my friends that live on the other side of the world that I was gonna see this spring…and now it may be another year. I miss my son going to college and sitting in classes. I miss my daughter going to swim for the swim team, art classes and field trips. I miss baseball games in person and concerts. I miss the movies (haven’t seen a good movie out yet to go sit with a mask on). I miss just being able to spare of the moment decide to go somewhere and it can be done. You can’t even go camping without making a camp reservations weeks in advance! These are the things I miss…but there are things I don’t want to forget.

I always want to be grateful for all those things that I never was grateful for. That I just always assumed would be there. I wasn’t grateful for Starbucks, because I always assumed it would be there. I wasn’t grateful for my job, because I always thought it would be there. Your never grateful until you realize how quickly it all can be gone.

If you ever have buried a spouse you know this. You always took for granted that that person would be there…because you never imagined they would be gone.

We never worried about toilet paper and flour. Chicken and eggs, oil, and butter…because these things were always ridiculously abundant….until they simply were not…and we all realized just how badly prepared we all were for this pandemic…but then things started working again…and got back on track…but I know that when you see ample supply of toilet paper at the store again (like I do) that you smile to yourself…and feel a little better that maybe just maybe it will be alright.

We will be normal again…we really will… I have quit answering when that will be…but one thing I can plan on…and that’s more time outside…more time for house projects…more time for landscaping that we never had time to do before…and more time for yoga…

What’s something good that Covid brought your way?

Oh my, what a beautiful week of weather we have had…

Last week started off with so much rain…but the weekend gave us amazing weather. We started the weekend off with some more amazing kayaking. My favorite place. This was the last weekend for the season, so we were thrilled to get one last time in with our favorite place.

We then, celebrated my husbands birthday with the most amazing cake from a local bakery!!!

We then marveled at my daughters handiwork for her dad…she wanted to combine his love for guitars and gems all in one piece.

She is certainly far more talented than I ever thought to be.

We decided to finally go to the pumpkin patch…and we saw some adorable pigs…

I was soo thankful for the time to be outside….to be around some animals and spend some time supporting a local farm.

Came home and decorated our front porch…and now await what this next week brings us!

Today it was raining and cold…and I baked my feelings….I most certainly did…and it felt glorious. I baked for my neighbors, my massage therapist…my staff.

I baked bread and cookies and homemade cinnamon rolls and even an apple crisp. I made homemade bread and a hearty stew. I was the king of the kitchen today.

We conquered homeschool like a boss and even got all my cleaning done. I was back with groceries before my husband even left for work…I was KILLING it today.

I took my daughter to youth group for the first time this year because she said that even though she would have to wear a mask she just had to be with “her people”. She’s brand new to the youth group so I’m not sure who “her people” are, or if they know they are “her people” but she’s coming for ya!

We conquered kayaking on Monday at a brand new place….

Tuesday after work, I got three hours of quickbooks done after spending four hours the day previous on other things for work…I was on fire!!!

Tomorrow I actually get my hair and nails done and my daughter can actually skate with her friends….so far it hasn’t been cancelled.

My beloved Chiefs play, And even though I won’t watch the game because my boy is away at school…and it makes me sad without him…I’m so happy that we can actually even WATCH a game!

If you would have read this blog post a year ago you would have thought that I was insane. Being happy over sooo many things we always took for granted, because our entire lives this is what was.

I keep thinking soon it will be over….but it seems like an old sore that just refuses to heal. I have no advice for my college son. The only thing I could tell him was to find a new routine…something that keeps him moving. Something that keeps him off Twitter and social media…which drain the very life out of us.

I have good days (like today)….and really bad days (like last week). Right now, I have found yoga and kayaking and outdoor adventures to be the main thing that keeps me sane. I need to get out and move…I start to feel trapped and like the whole earth is trying to swallow me.. I have to be outside so that I don’t feel trapped…and yes, I’m aware that sounds psychotic.

Plans right now that don’t get cancelled elate me to new heights. I’ve never been more excited to go to a roller rink in all my born days (or perhaps I mean…my adult years).

I’ve quit saying…this will be over soon…I can no longer look that far ahead…

What does this week have? What’s on the agenda for next week? And I look no further. I can’t bear to.

Plants and llama planters and coffee cups make me smile…and pumpkins…and pumpkin spice.

What small MUNDANE things make you smile? Concentrate on those…they are Gods special way of saying…He’s for you and He’s got this!

As soon as I get used to a new schedule it seems to change. It seems as soon as I get really good at hitting the curveballs, the game changes all together.

The other day my daughter and I went to the apple orchard. I asked her if she wanted to pick apples or just grab a bag that the staff had already picked. She of course chose to just pick a bag out of the coolers…and who could blame her. She’s been picking apples since she was this big…..

It still felt weird….leaving without the picture to see how tall she has grown…or to take her picture in the big chair…but those memories will always stay with me…and hopefully her as well.

Instead, I enjoy the teen years where she can make her own food and cook dinner for me.

I enjoy going on vacations where she packs her own bags and gets her own bag full of art supplies to go on our next adventure.

Even though it hasn’t happened much this year…we have been able to take her on new adventures. Take the time to teach her to cook. Let her artistic passions grow and thrive.

It’s been amazing to watch our son on his second to last year at a major university and the lessons he’s learned that none of us even saw coming.

If you want to be successful in life and have a happier life…learn that life doesn’t have to look a certain way.

Your not a failure because your kids haven’t gone to Disney. Your not a failure even if they haven’t flown.

I spend so much time worrying about what my kids are missing out on, that I’ve never stopped to think about the amazing things I have been able to take them on.

For the longest time I was upset my kids were so far apart. It bothered me that we weren’t this perfect, evenly spaced family…

Some days it bothers me that my last child doesn’t have siblings around her all the time like her older siblings did. I fear she’s lonely or upset…that I have something to apologize for.

We as parents all give our children unique experiences that are unique to us. My daughter has seen first hand what it takes to own and operate a business. She’s seen what it’s like to volunteer our time in unique ways. She’s had a front row seat to watching her mom make people laugh. She’s had unique experiences that most kids don’t get because of what I’ve exposed her to. She’s been around electric guitars and heard her father play in our church . She’s heard me play piano in church…she’s seen first hand the amazing beauty of gemstones. She’s gone to cities that her siblings never went to at her age. She’s experienced city life at a far younger age than I ever did.

What seemed to not be so long ago was my house was full with two teens and one pre teen and a toddler….and somehow I woke up today and they are all out of the house and I have only one left. I’m not sure how that happened.

Today as I did yoga and my body felt every single pain…I knew I had to fight to be able to do what I want to do. I have more adventures to take my daughter on…I hope to dance at my sons wedding someday. I want to run 5Ks again like I used to. Life isn’t going to slow down to wait for me to get in shape. My kids aren’t going to wait for me to “feel” better to get busy in this life.

I cannot let the weight of a false inferiority rule my life. I cannot let that little spark of self doubt and the lies of comparison make me feel that I have not done what I should have done for my kids. That they missed out because I wasn’t enough.

We all have regrets…but may we instead focus on what we did well…and not what we feel our kids lost…such as a trip to the apple orchard without picking the apples. Not everything has to be picture perfect.

Yesterday I finally decided that I needed to tell my husband I was struggling. As a Christ follower and an independent woman, I found this so difficult to do. I am a woman who was a single Mom, after leaving an abusive relationship (and that doesn’t mean he hit me). To a woman who buried her husband and came back to see a new day. I have been through worse than this…but wow…this is shaking me.

I felt like I was going to die. My chest hurt. My ears were ringing and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I was on fire, then promptly checked my temperature…because you know…Covid 🤦🏼‍♀️

This happened to me twice this week. Small irritations would send me over the edge. I couldn’t concentrate, I was nervous…felt sick to my stomach. I couldn’t even seem to be able to calm myself down. Just writing these words I can feel my chest tighten.

I can write down for you a list of things I should be grateful for. I can write down why this shouldn’t affect me the way it does. I can even tell you that I’m sure people would tell me to pray more, trust more, read my Bible more.

I’m thankful my husband knew me well enough to know that I needed a break. I needed to be away from so many people asking so much of me.

When you own a business and when you do charity work…lots of people have lots of things they ask of you. None of them bad…but I felt like I was on vacation again with all four of my kids and they were all yelling at each other. I could slowly feel myself melting into the ground. Wanting the ground to just suck me in forever.

It’s so hard for me to just sit. Just relax…leave a bed undone. …an email unanswered, a commitment put off…and I have depleted my resources.

I worry constantly for my store and my staff. I worry about other small businesses…I worry about our town. I worry about it all.

I used to be able to overcome this crushing anxiety with clowning…but for now…that can’t even happen..and I’m feeling it.

My husband has asked me to relax, to do things that give me joy…writing is one of those…naps and coffee are another. He has graciously offered to take over my duties at our store tomorrow and I’m grateful…

I pray for all of you feeling like I am right now…upset to see our kids suffer. I’m so sick of giving my daughter bad news that I’m this close to letting her have a kitten for crying out loud. Whatever the kid wants!

I’m hoping that everyone is able to identify what it is they are feeling. It took me a long time to realize what it was. I’m hoping this weekend I can concentrate on other things…see the good that life offers and pray that soon all this anxiety goes away soon.

For those of you asking me to cast my cares on the Lord…I have and will continue to do so…but Covid and all the stresses it has brought with it for small business owners…and parents of college kids…and kids of elderly parents…it’s a lot right now…and what I need is ❤️❤️❤️ not judgement in how I don’t measure up. Please and thank you!

Today was hard….I’ve struggled the last several days with anxiety. I know so many have as well so nothing I am saying is shocking. The thing is. Most of us don’t talk about it.

I don’t want to think about my son sitting in his apartment taking online classes…missing out on things his junior year of college because of this stupid Covid. After this is over I don’t want to hear that word ever again!

I understand the precautions. I’m clear on the risk for young people and I’m aware that to some people, that makes me an “imbecile.” Perhaps it does, but I can honestly tell you that there are many suffering, and a lot of us are dealing with more in mental anguish than Covid itself could ever do to us.

I looked back at old pictures where we would gather in crowds and go out to eat and enjoy the laughter of everyone around us. Now, I’m in fear of what restaurants can possibly survive this? What retail stores will survive? What vacation spots can make it through?

So the anxiety mounted. I see back to school pictures with kids with their masks on…and while I’m thrilled some get to go back to school….I’m so very sad to see us all going through this.

So, yesterday….after we had completed our first day of school!!!

My perfect covid clown costume came!!!

And I will say to remember this….

Just because someone in their social media feed may seem all happy….they are truly struggling…and today my anxiety was suffocating….I came home from my meetings and appointments and lit my candles and decorated for fall and then got busy with work stuff…and my spirits are lifted…but still anxiety is near…

So I am trying to take these moments and concentrate on smaller things…and not looking at the big picture right now….

Don’t give up friends….keep fighting. We will get through this…this will pass!

I look back at pictures of where we have gone and how quickly life has gone by. I remember hearing that from everyone when I was young.

I look at my son who is twenty and in a few short months will be 21…and I think, how is that possible since I’m only 35? However, I’m not…add eleven to that…and that’s me.

Our last child is about to enter middle school and I can tell you her life is different then her siblings. Some food, some bad…but really different.

Her rules are more strict…and then they are not. We have already heard the whining from the older children. She’s a self motivator, she’s the kid that is up for anything we throw at her without the added whining.

She has gone in more camping trips than any of them simply because I didn’t camp. The thought of four children out in the wild gave me anxiety. I also just couldn’t handle the thought of feeding them all and keeping them alive in a wilderness was something I could achieve. Do I feel guilty for that now when I see other parents doing it!? A little..:.a little bit.

So, bear with me as I mourn the fact that from here on out…there are no more kid adventures. Clothing is not picked out by me alone. Personal hygiene is a daily question. Constant monitoring of computers and electronics are a must. Arguing about said hygiene is common….but I lobe watching how talented she is…and all the amazing things that she is becoming.

Here’s to junior high! Wow you came fast!

My son started back at his university this past week. Things did not go smoothly. I would say that that was, of course, not a surprise. In fact, I would say that absolutely NOTHING about 2020 has been smooth. I believe that is one thing our ENTIRE country can agree on.

On a parent page, that is run by my sons university, I posted something that I was sure would be taken down, and when I wrote it…I said that I would understand…but I had to write it. My heart was heavy, and I was overwhelmed with sadness for the students. There is bickering, hatred and of course …Covid. I think after we are through this…we should never be allowed to utter that word again. I asked for prayers for our students and good Health be prayed over our students. Instead of being mocked, the post being taken down…I was brought to tears by the parents who joined with me in prayer over our students. All colors, all nationalities,

All of us, with one goal…for our children and their professors to be safe. For our kids to have some fun and a reasonably normal year.

So many of us sit in isolation, thinking no one thinks like us…that all of us hate one another. That we are all selfish people… but there is good.

Can we all take a moment to say hi to one another…muffled through a mask or not. Can we all decide they when this is over we won’t take a smile for granted ever again? Can we all delight in movie theatres and Broadway plays and of course….glorious vacations?

For now, while life is still slow to resume…just know that many feel the same way you do. We are tired and scared. We long for routine, and things we always took for granted.

Reach across the aisle (but maintain your six feet) and you will find that we are not as divided as many would have us believe.