Author: jme71te

When I was 29 and very broken…I just wanted someone to love me, and be a father to my then two year old boy. What I got was someone who showed me that I am worthy of love and worth more than what I thought I ever deserved. Life can beat you up…and I was a bit beat up. I needed a tough man, but one that was firm in his love for me.

Lots of people like to say that life will either make you or break you…I like to think it didn’t break me, but made me tougher.

My husband and I will celebrate 17 years together August 23rd. What that means for those who met each other in high school, and those who met each other after having their hearts broken and had to bring kids from other marriages together have a completely different take on getting to this milestone.

We didn’t do everything right….we did a lot of things wrong. First, if your asking advice that’s the first thing I would say. The second thing I would tell you is that divorce is messy, and ugly…and it hurts the people that normally have nothing to do with it. It makes life harder, and it’s not what God intended. That being said, when someone tells you they no longer love you, and they refuse to be faithful to you, there’s not a lot that you can do to save that relationship, no matter how hard you beg. Trust me, I tried.

Finally, here’s what we did right. We made a commitment to one another. We made a choice that each day, whether we felt like it or not, we would make the choice to love each other. Through the battle scars of divorce and death of previous spouses, we have marched on. We have dealt with shared custody, adoption of one child, and having a child together that United them all together.

We made a choice as business partners that we would do what was best for our store and in turn our community, our employees. Finding balance is hard…making time for one another takes constant work.

My husband is honest, and trustworthy. He always has time for our children. He is an amazing jeweler, and gifted musician. Everything he touches turns to perfection.

Last night as we laid under the stars and I look back at all we have been through the last seventeen years. Three houses, two surgeries, one child adoption of my birth son, one birth of our child together. We have sat through high school graduations and so far one college graduation. We have sat through dance recitals and violin recitals. We have sat through plays and orchestra recitals. We have sat through Camp Geiger tapping ceremonies and finally Eagle ceremony! We have traveled to places we never thought we would enjoy and still have great plans for more adventures.

As we looked up at this view…

But with the stars shining through…I was as grateful as I would be had I been laying in a king size bed in the nicest destination I could even imagine….

Girls, does your man … cook for you?

Does he go on adventures that you want to go on?

Does he encourage you to do crazy things most people don’t get?

Does he send you flowers on dates thot are hard for you to get through? Does he support your kids? Does he have time for them?

Is he your number one fan no matter?

I Love him more than I did when I first married him….and it just grows more and more each day.

I am not saying for a moment that there are not hard days…there def is…but the good days far outnumber the bad….

I am very thankful that we get to celebrate 17 years…and I can’t imagine what the next crazy years have in store for us!

I should be packing for a day trip…but I’m sitting here drinking coffee, late afternoon…trying to become motivated.

I want to go on an adventure, which is where this whole weekend trip started.

2020 was supposed to be so many things, for some many people. Which is why…it’s all so disappointing. I was going places, I was checking things off…this was THE year.

Like many of you, I’ve learned that lesson the hard way. I’ve cried about it. I kept thinking we would catch up. I thought perhaps by now it would be a distant memory…but alas…Covid, remains to literally plague us all.

I’ve yelled at China…(I’m sure they heard me). I’ve yelled at people on tv destroying others property. I’ve cried as I’ve given disappointment after disappointment to my children. I’ve cried and been anxious when we were made to shut our business down in the middle of a booming economy. I’ve been called all sorts of names for wanting to work. I’ve been called foolish for thinking kids should go back to school…and I sit down and think…I give up.

I say “Uncle” to it all!!!

We have allowed my daughter to see a few friends and they has kept her sane during this time….I listen to them laugh and chat…and it almost brings me to tears.

I’ve promised myself I would catch up on projects and fitness…and yet, here I am….first day off in a long time…and I’m….soooo…..tired.

I’ve unfollowed all the people on Facebook, I’ve turned off all the news channels. I barely know what the weather is gonna be like much less what’s going on in the world. I feel like I’m moving under this heavy fog…and the only thing keeping me going….is well…right now? Chocolate….chocolate and coffee.

I miss people….yet people irritate me. I can’t go grocery shopping anymore without screaming inside my head anymore. I wear a mask, carry hand sanitizer. I have my debit card in front pocket so I don’t have to get my wallet out…and there’s all those stupid arrows! I give up on the arrows….I’m breaking the rules. Thankfully Sams got rid of them…because this girl was like…nah….I’m gonna rip these puppies up right now!

I go from crying at every commercial, to wanting to say bad words and drink lots of alcoholic beverages. Even though the people that know me know I can hardly handle half of a Seagrams wine cooler and that’s the gospel truth.

I bawl at church when we sing because I miss people so much. I bawl when everyone leaves and then laugh when we get outside and I see everyone throw off their masks like all we as women have done since we had to wear bras. We rip them off as soon as we get home with the same explanation of satisfaction to be “free”. I giggle to myself EVERY time.

I’m sick of the mask debate…tired of the political debate. Sick of watching the hatred of others as they destroy people’s property. I hate watching the divide become larger and larger. I’m tired of people bashing each other in vaccinations and bashing people sending their kids back to school…and I just want to get off this planet…but I’m stuck here.

I feel guilty for complaining when things are not as bad as we perceive them to be…and they could be so much worse and they are not.

I miss doing outreach, and making people smile…but when people ask me to do something for outreach, I have to think about it? Seriously? Why?

How do you Covid right now? Are you eating your feelings like me? Are you trying to do yoga but failing everyday because you ….just…don’t…want to?

Are you trying to push it all down by going on adventures when you can? But missing all the traveling you used to take for granted…and now realize how important it was!

Girls, I’m going kayaking….I’ve never been….and now I’m going camping again, because this girl figured out what that horrible sound in the woods is (stupid owl, I’m coming for ya!) and I’m NOT afraid anymore.

I’ve been through worse…and I came out swinging…..

But first….a little nap….don’t want to overdo it😬😬😬😬

My son is back at college…he’s finally back with his friends and he’s happy. He’s wearing his mask, because they don’t want school to shut back down again.

I feel that right now everyone is holding their breath…kind of like they did when they allowed small businesses to open back up.

Many think that we will go back for two weeks and all the elementary schools will shut back down….and then all the colleges will go back to online until next semester….and that’s possible…but worrying about it won’t change a thing.

Many think going back to school is killing our children…many are scared and worried…and the schools have a really hard job of trying to figure out what is the best thing.

I have a child that is homeschooled , but she will go to her music teacher, go on field trips and go to some classes with her homeschool group. I also have one in college…and no, I’m not aware of homeschool college.

This past weekend I clowned at an event for our store…because we felt that people needed to smile and laugh…and I think people needed it….but it was the absolute hardest time I’ve ever had clowning….

I could not interact with the kids…I had to keep my distance. I wore a mask, and I just felt so very unable to communicate verbally or with my expressions. I never realized how much we use our lips and our expressions to communicate. How much we read lips to understand what people are saying. I felt so very useless…and that I did a poor job as a clown.

But I was dealing with an impossible situation…as many of us are…we are dealing with an impossible situation.

The truth is that our children aren’t safe. They aren’t safe when they are at school, when they are at home…when they are anywhere. Tragedy can happen no matter how much we try to protect them.

I am not here to judge anyone on sending your kid, or not sending your kid. I think there are amazing arguments on both sides.

I’m not a doctor, so I will not debate all of the data and what will happen…I will say in the course of this pandemic over the last six months we have had ….

I would say that those are some pretty good odds ….and I pray that they remain that way as the kids head back to school.

When my kids learned to drive….I would lay awake until they got home. When I would hear a siren, I would call my son. I made him text me when he got to work or school. I became obsessed with his safety. I was terrified that he would die. I was convinced that I would lose him how I lost his biological father, in a car accident. I became overwhelmed with anxiety…to the point I was almost sick until he would text me. That was NOT living.

We cannot become so overwhelmed with fear that we quit living. We cannot fear the unknown. We cannot live in our houses for a year…we have to at some point, start living again.

I’m not saying, take a cruise, or lick all the door handles when you go to the store. I’m saying be cautious…but live. In the living, laugh…and in the laughing…begin to love life again. There’s more life to live…go live it!

The other day I left my house early to go open my store. Rather than the hiway I take what is called in my town, as the parkway. The parkway is where everyone bikes and runs and walks and it goes through our town. It’s lovely and we live close to one section of it.

As I drove up this “parkway” I saw the local cross country team running. It brought tears to my eyes. I hope we never look at life the way we used to again.

I hope when we can say goodbye to masks that we will look at faces again. I hope that we will enjoy a handshake. I trust we will hug even on days we don’t feel like it. I hope that we will have more people over…and enjoy crowds when we didn’t before. I miss the roar of a stadium. I miss even being crowded in a stadium. I miss the smell of hotdogs and I miss even the people that would sit right by me at the movie theatre even though there were so many seats wide open!!! 😬😬😬🤦🏼‍♀️

I long to see the yellow buses and hear the kids screaming and yelling at one another . I long to see playgrounds with kids playing on them.

I miss not having to read a book on every business door before entering so I know the rules.

I miss being able to visit other states without having to worry if I’m in one of the states that’s considered a “risk”.

What I do enjoy is seeing the good that people do for one another. How they support the businesses in their community. I like how many friends have come by our store to offer support. That means the world to us.

I see the fright in our customers eyes. We are doing our best with social distancing and masks and sanitized pens…but as I listen to how my staff speaks to our clients…I love them a little more. That’s exactly how I want to be treated when I go somewhere….like I matter.

That has been the hardest part of covid. The interaction between humans being taken away. That is what makes us human….and when that’s gone, it causes serious problems.

I am cautious. not frightened. I am careful but not over the top.

I do my best to keep myself, my children, my staff and my customers safe….but in the end…we can’t live in fear.

It’s true, this week I could get Covid…I could also die in a car accident..I could be told I have stage 4 cancer. Nothing is promised…but if I’m living in constant fear am I really living?

Right now there is huge debate about going back to school. I have one in college…and one I homeschool. However. Homeschooling for us does not mean staying at home all day everyday. We have lots of activities and we meet with lots of people. I personally feel that your children, your choice…you know what’s best for them and others need to just simmer down.

Sadly, fighting occurs if you state your opinion differently than others. Your called all sorts of lovely names if you disagree. I have unfollowed so many people lately. I hardly have any friends left…but it was stealing my peace.

I have said from the beginning of this nightmare to turn off the news…and now Facebook where all the “experts” reign. Where they back up “facts” with more “Facebook facts”.

I for now, await the day for the yellow buses and children yelling…and playgrounds being played on and children singing. I look forward to seeing people’s faces and shaking their hands….and I hope we will never forget…when we could not do that….and never take it for granted….again.

For now….we enjoy the “cozy”….and for what brings….peace.

Tuesday, I went down to help my son move Into his first apartment. He will be a junior in college and I canNOT believe how fast the time has gone.

It was so exciting to watch his excitement of walking into his new apartment for the first time and being so excited about his new opportunity. After such disappointment this year, it made the sweet surprise even sweeter.

He was the first one to call me Mom. The first one to make me feel that my life mattered…the first one to teach me to love unconditionally. As a mom who started out married to her dream partner…and then that marriage going down Into flames, to then that partner dying unexpectedly in a car crash. I had more on my plate than I thought possible and learned to grow up quickly.

I will never regret my choice in leaving someone who was cheating on me…and protecting my son from growing up in an environment where I was being completely disrespected….but I think…along the way…I sometimes have lost myself.

As a boss I’ve learned this of late…and I’m not sure how to overcome it. Growing up, I was the kid that was always talking and always cracking jokes. I was always in trouble and my grades were never all As and usually A, B and Cs…and honestly, that was fine with me.

I noticed people’s mistakes…but kept them to myself…because I did not want to hurt others feelings….however, I’ve noticed that no one seems to give me the same respect.

I’ve walked into houses and places of business and found the positive of whatever I can…because let’s be real…not everyone has the same amazing taste as you do 😬😬😬 . I would walk into these homes and compliment them…but I would then have people who would walk into my home and point out all my faults. 😱😱😱😱

Turning 46, has made me a bit more fiesty. I’m here to stay. Why do I need constant approval from someone? Why do I not feel worthy unless someone states how good I am in clowning, homeschooling, jewelry owner….why!?

I don’t think I’m alone…I think a lot of us feel unappreciated…and unloved…but everyone knows that to feel that way makes you selfish, and insecure…

I see people do this on a social media platform…ask people why they like them..or if they are good enough….

I believe we all need a cheerleader….but some days we all haveto learn how to give ourselves a great butt kicking.

I am here to tell you that I’m tired. Just because I don’t point all your faults, does not make me weak. I have a horrible habit of stuffing down the feelings …and then when someone has lit my last fuse…I just lose it.

I don’t think I’m alone…:I keep my mouth shut a lot…and since I talk a lot that can be a challenge.

Are you someone that people walk over! You hate to have conflict!?

We women are strong and courageous…but sometimes we forget that.

Just because we don’t point out those that make mistakes doesn’t mean we don’t notice it.

Just because we let someone talk over us doesn’t mean we have nothing to say. We are just allowing someone to speak. Just because I don’t say I disagree, doesn’t mean I don’t.

The person who deletes her comment on Facebook instead of getting into a huge fight on a friends Facebook…is a strong person .

The one who can be called an insulting name or is given the finger while driving and doesn’t yell back or drive so close to their bumper you want to invite them in, is a strong person.

When I’m 80…I want to be the person that still makes people smile…but also a little afraid. I want them to wonder what I’m gonna do next.

I wanna be the lady with the outfit that shows I’ve still got it…but if you don’t like it, it’s clear I don’t care.

I want to spoil grandchildren and teach them all the annoying things my kids did…I want them to grow up happy and full of sass. I want to see my son become a dad…and be happy.

Growing up can be hard. Watching your kids grow up is even harder. Letting them go has been the hardest part. Offering advice when only asked is a constant battle. Never asking too many questions is growing harder to maintain.

Wherever you are in the growing up process. Enjoy where you are…and don’t overwhelmed by their failures…or too puffed up about their successes.

Wishing everyone a safe and happy school year.

Oh…Facebook. You have shown why the world would be a better place without you…but we all continue.

Tonight, I disagreed with someone on sending our kids back to school. I personally think it’s a good idea, unless the child has some underlying issues. I did not call anyone names…but yet I was called an imbecile. When I asked for them to back up their comment with data that it’s dangerous for the children without underlying conditions to return to school…I was told that I was an imbecile for even asking.

Most states have made it where parents have a choice…so really…there shouldn’t be any problem right now…but tensions are high and people are scared.

I remember when we could have discussions and come to different conclusions, and still remain friends. I remember being told I was wrong. That being backed up with fact. And even though I didn’t like it…I accepted that.

Now, we have become these brave soldiers that like to spew hatred and call someone am imbecile because we don’t agree with them?

The actual definition of an imbecile is:

A stupid person.

So, because I disagree with an unproven opinion….I’m stupid? When asked for facts that would prove that I was stupid by my comment…his comment was that “imbeciles ask for data. And that shows what an imbecile I am.”

Whatever happened to listening to one another? Whatever happened to having a conversation where we bring an actual fact to the table and discuss it…why all the division?

I remember when disputes were over baseball fans and who would win the World series . I remember when we all talked about the best barbecue in town and why. I remember when we as Americans would help each other out…or really wasn’t that long ago.

I feel covid ruined us. It made hardworking people lazy. Small businesses lost their staff and had to rehire and retrain. Kids are now watching themselves and made to be afraid. Sex trafficking is at an all time high…and we are still fighting over a disease with a 99.67 recovery rate?

Why?

Can we all just try to be kind? No agenda…

Can we try to imagine what another may be going through and see them where they are?

Can we quit assuming how everyone is doing and realize that there is great suffering and most of us are just stuffing it.

I can be wrong a lot. However, I do admit it when I’ve made a mistake….please don’t let me be wrong about humanity. Please tell me we haven’t given up on one another…please tell me we all still care…whether we agree with one another or not.

I’m not sure when this idea that everyone must like me became a real source of irritation. I do not remember caring in high school..but honestly, high school was such a horrible experience I probably blocked it out.

I remember being angry…and very frustrated. The school I attended wasn’t really big on dishing out self esteem. They were much better at telling you all your faults each day and every day….several times a day…but moving forward.

I believe after my first husband died that that is when this strange need for people to like me and understand me really started.

Imagine my dismay, when he died, all of the glorious women who had such negative things to say to me. That’s when I realized…I was never going to be good enough for everyone. I was always going to displease someone.

It’s sooo easy to sit in our houses and on our phones and pass out judgement to strangers. I find myself watching my favorite instagram influencers and thinking how easy they must have it in life…when I truly only have about fifteen minutes of their entire day.

I looked back on my life and I see decisions and standards that I had that were ridiculous…but at the time I thought I was making the right decision.

It’s easy to say what we all would have done in a situation we have never been in.

What exactly would you have done as a single mother whose soon to be ex husband died in a car crash unexpectedly? What would you do with a family that treated you in a manner you never saw coming? How would you be a good mother? How would you pick up the pieces? Would you date again? Would you remarry? Would you marry someone with children and blend your families? How would you do that?

Would you move to a strange town and away from your family and friends forever? Would you change your whole life for an existence you had no idea how it would be? How exactly would you maneuver your way through?

Sometimes you might see my purple hair and demeanor and think you know me…but you do not.

Many have no idea of all the different hats I wear…how many burdens I carry…and how that if you poke me enough I most certainly will bleed.

However, I don’t know anymore of those things about you. I don’t see you cry in your pillow at night. I don’t see you drive to work gritting your teeth. I don’t know the employees that have needs and the children constantly having needs…and your house…and all the things….but I see what we as women do to each other.

Someone is pretty or has had five kids and has no stretch marks and instead of saying how amazing they look…we say “they must get help with her kids and I bet she has an eating disorder.” Someone runs a successful business and we assume that life just goes easy for them. Someone stays at home with their kids and we respond “must be nice”. Meanwhile we know absolutely NOTHING about the person in which we are speaking.

There will always be people with an agenda against me…it’s always amazed me. I’m not some powerful person that is gorgeous and successful so why people care I don’t know…but nevertheless I have had people attack me and tell lies. People block me and tell others stories that never happened.

I used to get so worked up. I just wanted to tell my story and be able to explain myself….but I’m finally coming to the conclusion….that if you truly know me…you will know what’s true and what’s a lie.

I love how women assume…and even when when they find out the truth I rarely hear them going back and correcting the lies they just told. We seem easy on the lies…but difficult to state when we have egg on our faces.

If my husband said I could do whatever I wanted…I would chose the weirdest occupation ever…I would clown every week, make soap and dive into homeschooling way more than I do. I would volunteer more, clown more, clean more….and perhaps finally start working out again. I might even start a greenhouse…and learn how To cook amazing new dishes. However, that’s gonna have to wait…and I’m gonna have to enjoy what is.

Right now there is a strong woman that I really like going through a very public divorce. Everyone has an expert opinion on her life…and what she should do…and who made the mistake…but unless you’ve walked the ugly road of separation and divorce and had kids and had to watch things you never will forget then just be quiet…I beg you.

If you’ve ever had to watch the love of your life get into your family car…tear down the sun kid visors of the family car and listen to your child scream for his daddy to come back while banging on the glass front door, then maybe you “get” me.

If you’ve ever had a man cheat on you, refuse to give you child support…then go ahead….tell me what I did wrong. If you have ever in your life had the flu and had a two year old and no one to help you…then go ahead…explain it all again.

We as women seem to have a problem with being able to support one another even in the darkest times of each other’s lives. We seem to surround one another like sharks going after the weak…waiting for the scent of blood. What happened to just sitting there and being still? I had friends who came and stayed with me the night my first husband died….those girls..those women…know every rotten thing about me…and yet…they showed up.

Those of us that have been burned, refuse to get close again…refuse to share any secrets…because we’ve been down the road of secrets being told. Trust being broken..lies, once again told about us…so we back onto our garages. We forgo ladies night out. We keep our secrets to ourselves in fear…and we stuff all our problems right back down.

We make perfect squares on instagram and starve ourselves to be a perfect size. We worry about how we look and dress and what we drive…and are terrified that someone will see us being “real”.

I’ve done it…and I have realized that no matter how hard I try..and how perfect of a life I try to have. Someone, somewhere, and somehow…is going to have something bad to say about me….and I’ve decided….I just can’t care anymore.

If you want to believe lies…that’s your issue not mine. If you want to discuss me at great length and tell lies to others… I can’t stop you. I try to remember the advice I gave my 13 year old and my 20 year old.

God is the one you answer to…no one else. If He wouldn’t approve of what you do, then you need to stop. Money pays the bills but integrity helps you sleep at night. Those that speak lies of others and poke fun of others actually have low self esteem themselves. No one wants to hurt others when they feel good about themselves.

I continue to pray for good friends…who I can be real with…who like me for me. Who refuse to believe lies or get caught up in them.

This lifetime is too short to worry what others think of us!

Go do you sister!

Lately, I have become weary…so weary I can’t even make tears come.

I walked into my local Hobby Lobby today to get some art supplies for my daughter, who has an upcoming art show with our local art museum and the homeschool community. It was raining horribly…and I was sighing to myself because I had to get my bag, my umbrella, my mask…my hand sanitizer…all the things.🤦🏼‍♀️

I walked into the store…saying all the things to myself.

1. I need to be grateful I can go to this store.

2. I need to be thankful that I have money to buy supplies with.

3. I am so happy to find the supplies we need…

Honestly, I wasn’t feeling it..

I wear a mask every day due to my customers wear one, then we wear one…and honestly, I do not mind…but today…I felt it with every fiber of my being.

I noticed a couple of things that made me soo sad that I almost had to pull my cart over and have a little cry right next to the art supplies…but I didn’t want to remove my mask to blow my nose and be the lady thrown out of the store.

Everyone was socially distancing but it made me feel like I literally had the plague..everyone was scared to even look at each other…and I just frankly…just had enough.

I’m not here to debate masks…I have my own personal opinion…but I wear them because I do not want to make people feel unsafe.

I will tell you that right now…my soul is sad, as many of you feel it to. I’m passed annoyance, past anger…past disappointments.

My temper is short…I have no more patience for my staff, my children…or people in general. I find myself getting road rage in the grocery store. I find myself reacting in a negative manner to the man in Walmart wearing a full on cat mask…not even kidding…my daughter and I both let out a scared yelp as he quickly turned around. I long for conversation with women, but find myself having irrational thought and trust issues. I don’t want to go anywhere….yet I want to travel 😳. I want to go to TJ Maxx and browse aisles…but yet…I don’t need a thing. I want to clown more than anything…but grow weary waiting.

Right now, I feel that if we are able to go to something that is NOT cancelled it’s a small miracle! Rest assured that my dental appointment seems to be right on schedule as well as my upcoming mammogram 😬😬.

My trips have been cancelled, parties and outreaches and more things than I care to recall have been written off the books this year…this year can’t get over fast enough.

I’ve written blog posts on positive changes that covid has given our family…but right now…I feel that many of us…are just beyond tired.

We’ve given our kids disappointments right after the other…we have played more games, gone camping, swimming and watched way more tv than we ever have.

We’ve gotten creative with work and school and dealt with every single possible cancellation with as much dignity as possible…even if your a family that Homeschool’s like we do…you know that not even this is homeschooling. We’ve set things up for music teachers to come to us via Face Time teaching our children violin.

We’ve given up our favorite hobbies in hopes that someday we will return better than ever…but inside…many of us just can’t explain it.

I know I sure can’t. My husband keeps asking me what’s wrong…and I for the life of me can’t pinpoint it…I just feel the weight of the world and the sadness and hatred on my shoulders.

I feel hopeless and I don’t know how to pull myself out of it…I know many feel the same…but I don’t know how to get out of it.

So, for now….I choose each day and what I have to look forward in it.

I immerse myself in what I’m doing and find the simplest joys I can in the small things…Baking bread, making soap, finishing paint projects.

I take opportunities and Bring them to new levels of fun since we have been forced out of for too many months…

Everyone keeps saying keep going…don’t give up….

Hang on to the last bit of joy…and then go create your own….and spread that joy however you can…

Someday, we will look back on this as just a bump in the road….not the huge mountain we will never get over….but we will…keep on trucking…and remember…laughter…is normally…the best medicine.

Anyone else amazed by how quickly tears come nowadays? I feel like I’m one chocolate bar away from breaking down, and other days…I’m not sure I can hold on much longer.

The other day I was getting my nails done….and I heard a little voice start singing “the rainbow song”. I’ve never heard the rainbow song…but that sweet little voice made all of us tear up…how long it has been since we have heard little voices sing.

A baby woke up from a nap today in a restaurant we ate at (social distancing was being done). The baby started crying….and I was so happy to hear it…a baby…a new life…and I just felt that we as adults have to do better.

The shouting and screaming and anger…the hate..the senseless violence…and who suffers? The littlest among us.

As I explained to my daughter about masks and hand sanitizer and social distancing I was mad that I had to tell her that…but then I remembered all the moms who have had to so way worse things than me.

To the mom in a bomb shelter with her children as she heard the planes bomb her city in France. To the mom in Africa that had no water for her children. To the Mom in India, who had no art supplies or shoes for her children. For the Jewish mom who has to explain why they were getting on a train. For the mom who hugged her children goodbye as she went off to fight in the first gulf war. To the mom who went to work in the trade center on that fateful day. To the mom with cancer who tells her son goodbye before he’s even begun living . To the mom who had to explain to her son that he’s not liked because of his skin color. To the Mother who put her son to bed in his own room and kissed him goodnight to only lose him to violence as he lay sleeping in his own home. To the mom who explained away the bruises on her arm, to the Mom who has to sell herself to feed her children…and I realize../these “annoyances” could be so much more. I have nothing to complain about.

I hate that my son is missing opportunities in his college classes and his college experience. I hate that my daughter didn’t have swim team and I hate that we can’t travel, and that so many bucket lists items I had didn’t get to get checked off. I hate that my store was closed…that I lost staff…I hate that people are sick. I dislike all the businesses that have been left in ruins through looting and hatred or having to be closed. I hate all the dreams that have been shattered..all the plans that have been changed. All the lives that have been lost.

I miss my friends that live in faraway places that I can’t see because our country is pretty much closed. I hate that we are having the same fights that we’ve had for years…I’m tired. I’m sad that our children still see hatred and violence…I hate that there are so many confusing messages.

So for me….I’m gonna keep on going…..

I’m gonna go see some waterfalls….

I’m gonna work harder….and be appreciative of my community when they nominate me for something ….

I’m going to be thankful for museums I

can visit….

I’m gonna be thankful for restaurants I can visit….

For my kids I have and my silly dog…

I’m gonna work harder in my community….I’m going to listen.

We must do better for us and for our children

We can do this….we can be better….we can change things for the better..

Today at church…I just bawled. I don’t think most of us have taken the time to just sit down and think about what’s going on. Most of us don’t want to…we are just trying to stay sane.

Today as I lifted my hands in the air…I cried…

The song

“I believe in you, I believe in you…the God of miracles.” As I bawled…I realized…that no one around me I could hug…and the tears came down more. I’m sure the little elderly lady beside me would have let me hug her…but I didn’t want to put her in danger and possibly cause her to get ill because she’s in the danger age….so I cried more…I know….makes perfect sense.🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

Since this all began there has been a mask debate and I’ve learned something about myself and others. If you want someone to change their behavior, don’t act as if they are horrible people for having differing opinions.

You want reality? Reality is having your store closed…your source of income…your life…for an unexplainable amount of time…no one knew…because no one knew what we were dealing with. When we opened we had to wear masks…and we did because we were just happy to be open.

The CDC and other authorities have constantly changed their opinions…there are countless studies on both sides of the argument. I have headaches after wearing it all day…that’s a fact…not a silly story…it’s a fact.

I loathe to see the Facebook memes stating that if you don’t wear a mask you want a fellow citizen to die..or that you care for people more because you do wear one…

Here’s my feelings….I cried the first time I saw children walk into my store with masks On and how scared they were of everyone….can you imagine how scary strangers must be now to little kids with our masks on? I cried that this is a memory that they will have forever. I cried that my son is missing out on college classes he would have so enjoyed to have in person instead of online

I had a really bad attitude about wearing masks to church…I didn’t even want to go…but even though we can’t hug each other and must social distance…raising my hands with my fellow Christ followers was such balm to my soul that was soo lonely and so hurting.

As I sat there and looked around..I saw many my parents age…and I had a change of heart. I would want you fellow citizens to keep my parents safe…and it’s up to me to keep your parents safe….and even though there’s conflicting reports on cloth masks…what if in the end they find that it is how we keep the elderly safe…what if that’s all we had to do and we didn’t?

I have no political theories….I have an opinion on the economics of it. I have an opinion on those who will boycott stores because we are trying to make everyone feel safe in a time when no one feels safe. I definitely have an opinion on those who say mean things to those with a differing opinion…but today…I sat there…and thought…”what if I’m wrong?”

So…if this brings the numbers down…and kids can go back to school and life can be as it once was…isn’t that a small price? I know there are many who say our liberties are being taken away…many who say they won’t take a vaccine ever…and I disagree. This post is not about that…it’s about…what if we were wrong?

To those of you confused on why so many people are against masks….it all started with the guilt…and saying people don’t care about others. If you want people to take a bigger step away from you, make sure you tear down the fact that they can’t possibly be caring individuals. Then, after that….make sure you make countless memes about your superiority. Lastly, call them stupid…and that they have no Brains and lump them all into one category. That is how you train people to turn you off and not listen to anything you have to say.

We are all new to pandemics. This is our first one. The people we rely on to help us, say confusing things…even doctors are arguing. So be patient with one another…and make your choices with compassion and understanding. Because when this is all over…I don’t want people to remember how “right” I was…but how I felt and decided to act…in case I was wrong.