Author: jme71te

I feel like something has died….I look through pictures from two months ago like I’m grieving the death of a loved one.

What things did I take for granted? How much sighing did I do because of little things that irritated me?

Some of you fear that family members or yourself will get this…so your staying at home. Others fear that they themselves or a loved one working in the medical field will get this. Still others are afraid that they will lose their business when this over. Others fear for our economy and that the fall out will be huge…and unfortunately, many of us…are ALL of the categories.

I could list my fear and that list is long…but I don’t find that helpful…I find it completely damaging.

I will only say this….I believe that we will rise again. I believe that this is NOT the end. I believe we will learn so many lessons from this…and what we thought was really important…is indeed not.

For some of you staying at home all day with everyone is probably the LAST thing on the planet you wanted to do…still others if you, no matter how hard you protest…are NOT missing all the sporting events and practices you took your kids to. Your not missing the insane schedule that was your life. Structure? Oh yes, we all need structure…and my husband and I are trying to bring that back, just like everyone else.

So far, we’ve organized our storage unit where we file all our paper work for our business. Cleaned out two freezers, and started a yoga and fitness routine. Our daughter has started a painting business on the side and it’s keeping her really busy. We normally homeschool anyway, so the change in schedule is severe, but the regular schooling is NOT that different.

We hope to be done with ALL school, except for Stanford testing by the beginning of May.

All my extra curricular activities have been cancelled of course. All my charitable events are cancelled…and all I can do is look at July to start planning for these events again.

In the meantime…we are doing a few things that I would like to challenge you to do. I’m cleaning out our freezer, we found lots of waste…things we didn’t know we had…so we are trying to plan meals with the things we already have.

I also, have been going through My soap supplies and finding many doubles items…I’m now continuing what I started a few months ago and planning on using ALL of my supplies and seeing what I can come up with to do so. Reorganize and repurpose.

After watching several Instagram beauty videos and NOT needing the three organizing towers that all the ladies seem to be ordering from Amazon, I’m questioning if I’m even a REAL girl…I have a small makeup travel case…and that is all.

Speaking of organizing my beauty drawers…I found face masks that I haven’t used in quite some time…exactly what am I saving this for?

Local charities are asking us to hold our donations…and when we are able to donate they will be needing them…we are going through everything little by little to get them ALL the things they need.

I have said this before…the gloom and doom…it may be coming…I expect this to get worse…but I also expect it to get better…and that’s called hope…and right now…I feel that’s what we need.

I can’t enjoy the quiet that these days are forcing me to have because they are overcome with worry and anxiety. I can be careful and cautious…and wash my hands and social distance and not go to the stores often at all…and that’s what I’m doing….but there’s a bigger lesson here…

A time to recharge….rest…organize…repurpose…learn a new fitness routine….read…write…paint….walk…enjoy things you never had time for.

I could live in quarantine quite happily…I really could….but work and certain activities have to happen to make the world go round. Can you live in quiet? Can you enjoy it? Does it spark a new bit of creativity? It should…

Go see who you were meant to be…with no interruptions…see what new amazing thing your children can learn…we are all meant for more than just busy.

My brain hurts…today, as we three sat at the dinner table…the only one who knew what the day was…was the twelve year old. Her father and I were sure it was Tuesday…our college son thought it was Tuesday when he FaceTimed us and said he didn’t have to report to work until Thursday…luckily…we figured out…it was Wednesday…I don’t know how we lost a whole day.

The new normal isn’t really normal…and it never will be. We sometimes sleep horribly…we sometimes sleep great…it just depends. Some days I’m totally fine with this…other days I’m ready to get off this planet.

I saw a lady wear a blow up unicorn costume to the supermarket spreading some cheer…and I was actually jealous…like…why didn’t I think of that? But I didn’t…and honestly….I’m tired…and probably if I would have thought of it…I would have not done it as beautifully as she did…seriously…..I’m jealous of a unicorn?🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️(I sound like Eyeore).

It may surprise you what I miss….I miss my employees, I miss the smell of my store. I miss the ding of the bell when the customers come in. I miss hearing my employees laugh with our customers. I miss saying hello to our UPS man, our mailman, our FedEx lady. I miss doing social media at the store. I miss bringing baked goods for my employees to eat and not make me fat. I miss their compliments on my outfits (even if they don’t really think it). I miss my massage therapist and our talks…and my right knee is really missing her. I miss my nail lady…and when they open this time I’m getting a pedicure too. I miss going through the Starbucks and getting my Green Tea Matcha…yes, I’m aware I can probably still get it…but really I’m staying away from all drive thrus.

I miss my mail lady and hearing how her grandson is doing. I miss talking to people when we are out. I miss hugging my favorite lady at church. I miss seeing my parents. I miss going on walks and not worrying about how many people are out.

I miss getting to clown at retirement homes. I miss getting to be the Easter Bunny for our store and seeing the kids light up. (I feel guilty for ever complaining how hot it was…I would do anything to be able to do it now). I won’t be able to do it for the two retirement homes, not Pivotal Point…and I don’t get to clown for an event for ALS. These are the things that I miss…and that we won’t get back…and I think as a human this is what makes all this soo difficult.

Last week after someone stole my bank card…I had to run to the bank and get a new card and I had to go right then because they were closing all the lobbies…for like two weeks maybe longer..so I went in with no makeup…and the banker literally made me feel like a leper while using his letter opener to take everything I touched. I wanted to argue…show him my hand sanitizer and that I’ve been using it WAY before it was cool…that I normally look way better than this…but ya know…here we are😬😬😬. I understand why he did it…totally do…but still…I went home…and ate more chocolate.

I’m not the kind of person who meets with friends every night…who chats on the phone all day…my best friends I haven’t seen in years…not that we don’t love each other…but because we have insane lives…I also moved away from all of them…I’m over an hour away from home…and right now…we couldn’t see each other anyway.

I cried after my daughter got off face time with her violin teacher…when she cried about missing skating with her friends and ice skating and field trips and friends coming over to hang out…so I’ve distracted her the best way I know how…and bought her art supplies and started her on an online class which she of course finished WAY before she should…and now…the kid has a side business going….and she’s making the walls of my house look way cooler.

I am finding that the days are going by at warp speed and the projects and the things that I have planned I’m not sure I have enough time to complete them.

I’m enjoying my new loveseat my husband bought me that I’ve wanted for a year that he bought because of all the amazing disappointments…I find that every time we have an opportunity to put a stamp in our passports…something happens catastrophic…apparently us ever leaving the US will literally put the world out of whack 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️.

I am very very lucky.

I am writing in my one thousand gifts journal

I’m doing yoga, and have continued my painting projects…next week I hope to be done with those and be able to do lots of new soap and work on…..juggling…because…I need some new tricks up my clown sleeves

I miss this clown character more than anything..to be able to go and make people laugh..and just be a ridiculous character keeps you humble…and keeps you happy…and right now…it’s not needed or wanted…and I can’t stand in my yard and wave to people…because that would be creepy…like seriously…possibly arrested.

I see people post their feelings on social media…

Some people say we deserve it…God is punishing us….He found a way for golf to be cancelled…I don’t think that’s a punishment…I think that’s a 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻. Now what about bowling? 😬

Some people say it’s political….I have no idea.

Still others say it’s God’s way of getting us all to slow down….

May I just say this…

God is not a god of disorder and chaos, fear and Lost hope. He is opposite of that. He allows things…He allows bad things…He allows these things to grow us…to help us re-evaluate…to help us make better choices…become better humans…and some of us are really stinky humans who decide to take advantage of others by buying all the hand sanitizers and toilet paper and selling them at a ridiculous prices..that’s a free choice that they have made and that they took…but God is not in any of that.

Want to see a picture of God? It’s the lady who took eggs to my parents along with potatoes and veggies and left them on the front porch…because after I had been to two stores in town I still couldn’t find any. God is in the lady who gave the old man the toilet paper that was in her cart because he couldn’t find any. God was in the customers we had that wanted to come and pick up repairs and give us the money so that we would have it before we were forced to close our doors.

God is in the people that will rise up and come to our store and support us like they always have once this is over. God is in the helpers, God is in the ones that share His love…not the selfish ones. Not the judging ones, not the ones who don’t speak to you even though they’ve known you forever….that walk by you like you don’t exist…God isn’t in that.

I have learned and am still learning that my faith in God does not rely on riches…because riches can be gone in an instant. My hope..my trust…is in the One who has made an impossible nightmare…become a beautiful unforeseen miracle. When you have walked that road…you take the next road that’s rocky with a little more trust than you did during the previous…because you’ve seen Him do the impossible.

I have prayed the prayers that He didn’t answer…I know heartache….but I also know amazing love and miracles like you’ve never seen.

Turn off the news…revamp yourselves for two possibly three weeks…because we are all gonna be like the little kids who get in the front row at the 5K line thinking they are Gonna take this thing down!!! We are gonna be ready to go!!!!

As I took my shower this morning…I felt convicted.

How many times have I complained of all the things I have to do? How many places I’ve decided to clown at…and I filled my schedule to full? How often have I complained about going to work and working all day or working OT? How many times have I complained about all the places that I have to take my daughter?

How many times have I complained about well…everything.

Perhaps that’s the lesson we can take away. Perhaps that’s what we were supposed to get out of this…how quickly we complain and how good we really had it…how our biggest fear in a week was about how we were going to get all this stuff done…and now we are just praying we can get back to just that crazy sentence…

We as Americans are creative…and funny…and I love seeing all the ways we are figuring this out. I think that’s what I love most about being American.:we are an entertaining lot.

So, while the rest of you decide to social distance with unicorns in the supermarket, and rainbow drawings and heart and monkey drawings in the windows of houses as your little kids take walks…this Momma is gonna get our homeschooling done earlier, so we can finally have Spring break and well, basically…early start to summer..I’m gonna finish these home projects and soap projects and this clown is gonna learn how to juggle…so that this summer we can camp and travel and clown and do a ton of stuff with no extra baggage….hold on for the bumpy ride…but we just might make it! If only, I could remember what day we were on that would be great!

Around six years ago I read a book with this title. The title was One Thousand Gifts and it was written by Ann Voskamp.

Like everyone else in the world…I got lazy…and patted myself on the back for accomplishing it and changing my thought patterns…and then went about my life.

When huge trials would come (and they always do) I would drag my list back out….and start again…and then…got caught up in busy and never looked back…then…welcome to 2019…and then now in 2020…where we all find ourselves in this “never before seen trial”….and I’m getting out my book again…grumbling as I go.

This book focuses on changing your mindset. Looking at each day as the gift that it truly is..just that…a gift.

When you look around the world…you see amazing things…but we don’t write it down..and therefore…on days that you have devastating things that happen you can then look down at these reminders. It’s helpful to see God’s promises during the times that it’s hard to see any good at all.

Today, there was a lot of bad things that happened…things out of my control…but here is a taste of my day…

1. Warm coffee with sugar and cream.

2. A dog that greeted me with happy good morning anticipation.

3. A warm house

4. A comfy bed

5. A beautiful green loveseat that my husband ordered for me.

6. Beautiful artwork made by my daughter.

7. A hug and a kiss from my husband.

8. A funny text from my son

9. A FaceTime violin lesson from my daughters sweet teacher.

10. Starting in some projects that I have put off.

11. Clean bathrooms.

12. Giggling of young girls during a FaceTime call from my daughters friend…

13. Favorite songs being played

14. Warm dinner in my tummy

15. Chocolate

16. The sun shining

I’ve got my book out…I’m writing down the things again…I challenge you to read this book and put these things into practice. Perhaps, just this once I can continue this practice daily…instead of just pulling it back out during difficult times.

Now is the time to establish new practices…get lots of things that we’ve put off completed…and get a head start for when things are back up and running again!

Sunday found me sour….I’m not sure if your familiar with that term or not…but basically it means that you need to have some chocolate and be thrown into a room all by yourself.

It all started by a big Ford truck that almost ran over me on my way to church….then some very disappointing and sad news during church….and I just was…undone.  Later in the day, we were with loved ones who were again…negative…and that made me…just want to curl up on my couch and take the worlds longest nap….so instead…I took a pretty long nap….and then my husband suggested this….

Something about being around nature….watching the amazing phenomenon of the birds coming in for spring…spring….renew…made new…alive…restored.

Spring brings allergies, and bugs…but it brings green grass, clean cars, and everyone able to walk outside. It brings yard work and gardens, and warm nights…it brings new life…and promises of new beginnings…

This year has been and will be a difficult year for so many….but all those birds and ducks and beautiful sunset…and somehow…my soul just seemed to find some rest….some peace.  Even though I’m aware of so many things that are wrong…how many people disappoint, how much mean can be done by other humans…but I remembered…that I am not without disappointments for many.  I know I have said mean things, done things I’m not proud of…and continue to disappoint.

The sun setting….the birds singing….and I felt peace…sometimes…you just need to turn off all the other noise…to really hear the important message.

This weekend….I’m back at doing things that I’ve put off for six months….I’ve gotten lazy…made excuses…wanted to take time to lick my own wounds…had nothing else to give…needed a rest…but I’m back. My heart is still hurt…its still learning to trust again…but in the meantime…there are others who need me…they need to laugh….see someone be silly….and forget for a moment….the ugly of life….just like the sunset…the birds…and the quiet of nature did for me yesterday.

Lately as I see my children growing older and even some of my staff…I’m reminded of my youth…yes…youth…glorious youth.

I thought back to when I was 23. I’m sure I felt my twenty three year old self was much more mature then it really was. I’m pretty sure that those who worked with me…could tell you the same stories that many of us tell about that age typically.

If I could tell myself a few things I would start with this:

Enjoy being a size two, because after your first child, that will no longer be your size. You will not die from childbirth like all those who have gone before you and told you the horror stories of childbirth. God made drugs…and we should enjoy them when giving birth. There’s nothing wrong in taking them. However, breast feeding is NOT this amazing thing they speak of. It’s horribly painful….not enjoyable for you or baby…and nipples do bleed…and I hated every minute of breastfeeding…and my child and myself were very happy with bottlefeeding, and it doesn’t make you less of a mother because you choose it as well. Sorry about sharing the graphic visual…but I felt I wish I had been told.

The man your gonna marry….it doesn’t matter what everyone you know tells you about him…what does your gut tell you? Listen to that gut! How does he treat his mother? How does he treat his siblings? How does he treat people? Especially people that are mentally or physically weaker then he is. Does he listen to you? Do your ideas matter? Does he have a temper? Remember that he is on his best behavior now. You cannot fix him, you cannot change him. He cannot be your project. In the same breath…he cannot fix you. He cannot build you up enough…he cannot give you enough confidence..:but he can destroy it…little by little.

Enjoy eating at Taco Bell while you can. Enjoy being able to read without squinting…because all of the sudden, before you know it…middle age comes quickly…and your given things like bifocals.

Make good friends. Friends that don’t care what you drive, or where you live….this keeps you humble when you know and remember where you can from.

Always be honest…it’s never worth the lie…no matter what financial or social gains you make…it will make you feel rotten inside…and no amount of money is worth that.

You can’t have a million best friends. Take your circle down a bit. Weed out the friends that constantly steal your joy, are never there for you…and don’t understand that friendship is a two way street.

Don’t be in a hurry to have kids. Kids are fabulous…and I have the best…but they take every single bit of your energy and time. They deserve the best…and once you have them…all these things that you did for you need to disappear…because your a grownup now…these kids didn’t ask to be born…and your the one that has to step up.

Be a good employee, and fellow co worker. Do not be the one that no one can count on. Do not be the one that everyone knows will take advantage of them because your super important.😬🤦🏼‍♀️

Last but not least…your lifetime mate…

Go into this with a do it or die attitude. Go into it realizing that there will be days that that amazing man that you love and cherish will have days that even his chewing gum will annoy you to new heights you never knew existed. That the towel on the bathroom floor and the cereal bowl he left out…will cause you to fill with an anger you never knew existed. Realize that he will feel the same about you.

Understand that those muscles will eventually turn to flab…your amazing abs will have stretch marks…your neck will start seeing wrinkles and his hair will turn gray.

May I also say that his looks and your looks will fade…but he will still be able to make your heart race in ways that would embarrass your adult children.

My man encourages me. He has seen me throw up…give birth, a broken leg, and almost pass out while our daughter recovered from surgery. He has seen me run races and be all disgusting and sweaty. He has heard me snore (I do not believe it but that’s what he said) 😬 he has clapped for my accomplishments. Praised me when I was able to complete a much desired job…and cheer me on as I try to achieve physical fitness. He has watched me clown and be the most ridiculous characters you can imagine…and still has told me I’m awesome. This ladies, is what you aren’t told from your friends.

The man you want isn’t the one with the best hair and the greatest car…the one that has the best abs and can play every sport. He doesn’t have to be the one with the best grades, the highest GPA…or come from the best family. What matters is his heart.

Does his heart beat only for you…or does he always look around…and eventually make his way back to you? He should be crazy about you and only you. You should not have to convince him.

Someday, you will look out your window and see your husband playing with your kids…and that scene will melt your heart more than any other thing you have seen him do. When he holds your baby girl for the first time. When he takes your sons hand and walks him to safety to the car…when he gets excited about your babies first steps…when he sings happy birthday. When he sits down and watches football with your son and reads to them at night. That’s the man you want…the man that’s there for the whole ride…not just the beginning…but the whole ride.

So, my dear 23 year old self…go for what your gut is telling you…and ignore all the other signs…remember to look at the whole picture…not just a snippet…but the entire picture.

It will all fall into place…and that stomach of yours??? Enjoy it…take pics of it…it didn’t last long 😬😬😬

Many of you that have followed my blog know my background and how I was raised. As an adult I have come to some good and some bad conclusions.

I was raised in a legalistic fundamental church. I was taught that women are smart, should be educated and revered. We were taught that raising children and being married was highly encouraged…but I remember many single women and don’t remember anything being said negatively about being single.

I remember not being able to swim with the boys. I could not show my knees or my shoulders. Dress checks were a normal way of life, even my wedding dress was put through “dress check”. This was normal…none of this was scary…this was what was expected.

On school trips boys were on one bus, girls on the other…especially overnight trips. Those that were dating were allowed to sit the front half of the bus during daylight hours…I wasn’t dating so this did not affect me.

There was a tight rein on music. Steve Green was considered unholy and we were told not to listen to it. Any Grant was of the devil. During chapel they would even say that certain tempos could cause heart attacks…🤦🏼‍♀️ seriously, not made up…that is a true statement.

During school I was angry, mean and suffered from depression. I was told that I needed to confess my sins and those feelings would go away. As a result, I had an eating disorder which took me years to gain control of.

I was accused of being with boys (I didn’t have a boyfriend). I was accused of bringing magazines to school that were not mine. I was given “fake” friends to keep an eye on me…..and to this day…if I see a man in a short sleeve dress shirt carrying a Bible I have a panic attack. I’m serious, my husband will vouch for me.

The people that I just described, are NOT bad people. They are actually good people who misinterpreted scripture horribly. They thought they were doing the right thing….but they were as far from what God wants us to be as you can possibly be…and for that I feel sorry for them.

So many people want to put “Christ followers” in one category…the truth is you can’t. Because we are all human, we make human errors.

Anytime there is a crisis in the world where they need help with food and water…who answers the call? The church…the church does. Orphanages, homeless shelters, disaster relief…most of these are either completely headed or greatly supported by churches.

Cleaning up of the neighborhoods in our town…is usually done by the churches. Feeding the children in our town, done by the most precious saint you’ve ever met. Getting the homeless off the street and getting into the workforce? Done by a fabulous Christian organization in our town. Helping the fight against sex trafficking? Again, done by amazing Christian people.

There are always going to be extremists…and they have caused lots of damage. The way I used to view myself was NOT how God viewed me. He is not waiting in heaven to pounce on me when I do something wrong. Those with diseases or handicapped are not that way because God is judging them. Those that are extremely successful doesn’t mean that God is showing them special favor.

It has taken me years and years and probably more years to fully understand the love that God has for me.

Sunday at our evangelical church…with our praise leader with tattoos and torn jeans and his arms lifted to heaven….my husband playing electric guitar…the drums beating, and all hands around me lifted (including mine) and I closed my eyes…grateful for the good, the bad…and all the amazing opportunities that He has given me. The dark valleys, the great mountaintops, the lonely places….that’s where He is…not the dress codes, the rules, the ridiculous rules.

Go live how Christ has asked you to live..holy and morally….kind and forgiving…honestly and carefully….exalting others before ourselves.

Today, I felt it…that little bit of panic that starts to come when I start planning the next several months adventures.

Like many of you, I have fabulous ideas of what our summer should hold…but the pocketbook and the schedule will soon collide…and then prioritizing the schedules…and what we want to do.

My daughter loves the arts, and animals and swimming….and we just….can’t…do…all the things.

I refuse to be the parent that is living in her car, eating fast food and counting down the days for all the adventures to be over. I feel that that creates tension, tears, and whining (and that’s just me…Much less my child).

My daughter has told me that she wants to do drama, swim team, horse lessons and camp, and art camp….and this Momma knows…not all those things can possibly happen.

I’m grateful to live in a town where we have so many amazing opportunities…..but this is when I feel we completely lose it as parents.

I’m not telling you what I will choose…because it will be a discussion I will have with my daughter my husband and myself…budget and time are the most important items here…but this is when I feel extreme pressure….and not really from anyone but myself.

With my son, I would always feel that I chose the wrong thing…that if I chose wrong I would stunt his growth in a sport and he would lose all the opportunities in the world!!

But ya know what? He didn’t play soccer and he is still in college. He played basketball for a few years and he’s still surviving…and track didn’t work out due to an injury…but still…he’s able to function.

Right now, I can feel the panic settling in…my chest is tightening…as I figure out what to do, and how will they all get done…but…I will continue to push down the crazy…and embrace what makes our lives full and happy. Are we able to contribute to society? Is every activity we are involved in making an impact in our lives for good…or are they just noise? Is the sports or drama, or art I’m giving her a chance at improving going to increase her portfolio, her experiences with what she wants to do in life? Did we leave time for her to enjoy youth? Or did we just fill it up with so much noise we can’t hear anything else?

That’s the questions I ask myself as I fill her calendar and mine.

I don’t want to leave this earth someday…without ever touching the lives of others…because I was too busy to do so…but I also don’t want to fill her time with things that didn’t fulfill her.As I look back at my own childhood…I hated piano…until I was really good at it. Then it gave me confidence when other things I did poorly were lacking. I enjoyed choir and drama…and writing…and excelled in our school newspaper.

The best part of my childhood and teen years…were the times spent with friends…and parties…and hanging out…it wasn’t all the functions we attended…and trust me…there were plenty of those.

I am not telling ANYONE how to live their lives…I just know…I don’t feel like raising my last child to be exhausted and begging for the days when we can stay home…childhood goes quickly anyway…let’s take it a little slower.

Being a stepmom to two adult women and a mom to an adult son and a pre- teen daughter, gives you a few badges and a lot of wisdom. Well, I think I’m wise…but perhaps because I also feel like I’ve been in battle 😬.

My fourth child was born perfect…she was the absolute dream of what you pray for when you have a daughter. She had beautiful blue eyes and gorgeous curly hair…and there was no one sweeter nor cuter. She was adored by her siblings…and everything about her life was pretty fabulous.

As a baby I knew there were some issues with speech, but I could not get the doctors to listen to me…finally at 18 months I switched doctors, went to one that would listen to me and she got tubes in her ears…because we dealt with constant ear infections. During that time she would have severe “asthma like” episodes that would flare up because of a severe corn allergy…which was never recognized by the medical community. This was when I sought more homeopathic methods. We completely cleaned up our diets…made everything from scratch. I started my soap business, I changed the way I clean…absolutely every single thing. Finally at age five she had her tonsils and adenoids removed and the doctors were amazed at how big they were and said how they should have come out sooner. 🤦🏼‍♀️

We had to seek a speech therapist because she had delayed speech. I had to hold her back a year because I knew she would struggle to keep up until she could read.

We were in speech therapy for two years. We circled emergency rooms many a night trying to get our daughter to be able to breathe clearly. I fought with doctors over and over again that she was indeed allergic to corn and anything with corn in it. I had some doctors who listened and some that didn’t. Finally, at age nine it all just went away….and we haven’t looked back since.

During that time, when she had tubes in her ears and we would go to the pool she had to wear a special headband so that it wouldn’t damage the tubes in her ears. I was grateful to the new products that had been introduced so that she could swim like the other kids…what I wasn’t used to was the parents. People who at first would keep their kids away from my sweet baby in her princess swimsuit with a band around her head. Others would just flat out ask what it was…Then I would say she has tubes in ears and they would act soo relieved. For the first time ever, I had a small idea what those with handicapped children went through and it made me furious.

Any activities we would go to she could not participate at for parties, because it was soo hard to explain to her that she couldn’t eat the food that others had. We didn’t go to parades, or parties…because it would always involve sickness that would then blow into an attack and then we were out of activities for at least two weeks. The hardest part was how lonely it was…how that my son missed out on things too…but thankfully he had friends who would just let him tag along.

Ellie was invited to things but my friends were soo terrified that they would give her something wrong and I felt terrible for their anxiety. I just started bringing her own food to things.

Please hear me…I am not comparing food allergies to physical disabilities or mental disabilities and saying they are the same…I am not at all saying I understand how hard that is.

I am just saying that I absolutely have a teeny tiny understanding of what it’s like to have a kid that is different.

My Ellie does not have food allergies anymore…but she walks to the beat of her own drum. She’s louder than the other kids…and sometimes she doesn’t fit in. She’s sensitive, she loves animals, she’s smart…she’s funny and she’s very talented with art.

She loves to swim, hates sports with balls…and loves music.

If she wasn’t my fourth child, I probably would have tried to push her into the mold of every normal young girl…because I would want her to fit in. As I listen to her giggling with her friends at the kitchen table…I can honestly say…I no longer care.

You know why?

I don’t fit in….and I never will. I never did…and instead of focusing on how all our children should fit in this special mold…we should embrace their differences.

If you asked me about my least favorite color…it would be…beige. You know why? It doesn’t stand out…it just exists.

I don’t ever want to be like the color beige…I don’t want my kids to be like the color beige. All of us contribute to this world in a range of color…and I’m grateful for all the colors…even my favorite color which is robin egg blue.

So, in a world of beige…be a great color…find your favorite…dare to be different, dare to be who God made you to be…and enjoy all the variety that people bring to this world!

I am in a new phase of life…one I didn’t see coming.

After my birthday this year, I needed glasses…and not only glasses…but bifocals of all things…things started appearing on my neck that I’ve never seen…things aches that have never ached…and a surge of worry went through me…have I encountered middle age?

My last baby is twelve…..no more cute Valentines Day boxes. No more Childrens Christmas Programs. No more excitement when I decorate for the holidays…just an exclamation of how it looks pretty..:and then back to regularly scheduled programming. No more excitement over crafts…no more big bows in hair and matching accessories.

When we go on field trips together I walk alone…as she is with her “besties”. This is new territory for me…as before with her older siblings, I always had a baby or a toddler with me…now that that baby is no longer a toddler….I walk alone. No more children’s clothes…I actually cried when I cancelled my Children’s Place card….for the first time in twenty years I no longer far would be shopping there. It came to fast…and yet..:not fast enough…it left me confused…and feeling slightly annoyed.

We are on our very last pre- teen…and because this is our fourth one, I can definitely say…I’m not ready. I’m not ready for drama, tears, clothing struggles…and all the frustration the teen years bring..:but I will say…I’m hoping that my scars from the other three will hold out as badges of honor for the last and final one coming up the ranks.

Things I wish I would have done with the other three.

1. Don’t sweat the small stuff…find a cleaning schedule and an acceptable way of their room that you both can live with. There should be no mold growing on dishes…and I’m pretty big on making the bed…but all three adult children…still have issues with doing so…my nagging didn’t help them ☹️

2. It’s just hair, cut it, color it, grow it out, don’t grow it out…just needs to be clean…that’s all that matters.

3. Phones- the fourth child won’t have one until she’s driving…we’ve made the mistakes…moving on.

4. Not every party that ends up being at our house must be a theme that’s organized and planned to the nines….sometimes, just let them be.

5. They don’t have to be in every sport known to man to be successful people. Find a sport they love and let them excel.

6. Don’t let them have overwhelming schedules. They need time to breathe, read a book. Take a nap…they can’t do that if they are constantly going from One activity to another.

6. Know their friends…..have these friends over. Have chips and drinks and food they like…let your hoUse be the house they come to.

7. Talk to your child about what goals they have. What they want to do with their life…and help them write goals to Achieve that.

8 hire someone to show them how to drive😬😬 I kid, I kid (sorta)

9. Tell your child you love them constantly….and encourage them when they do good things.

10. Take them with you when you serve people in your community…let them meet people different than themselves…let them appreciate all cultures.

Adult children and pre-teens does not a calm life create. However, I do have to sleep…and the only thing that helps is realizing that no matter what…if they are in Gods hands, there is no safer place for them. I pray for good friends, safety…and try to communicate with them.

If they call me and it’s inconvenient…then it just has to be inconvenient…because you never know when you may or may not get another opportunity.

On field trips, I tell her she can hang out with her “besties” for a little bit…and then she and her “besties” need to come hang out with me….because we homeschool…I’m not showing up at field trips because I couldn’t think of anything else to do.

Last but not least, learn from your mistakes. Ask for forgiveness and try to learn from them. I have made huge mistakes…will probably make more…but in the end…we are all just doing our best…and trying to figure it out as we go along. Our children will figure it out as well someday…..they may or may not need a therapist 😬 but they will figure it out!

Enjoy the ride my friend…wow it’s a short one!

Every year my favorite business trip we go on…is our trip to Tucson…especially since I became the insane “plant lady”

I also can’t get over these…..

I’m sure they all think I’m insane because I just stare at them…

This trip was a bit different …we were in a hotel…that was frankly…the worst one we have stayed at in quite some time…it really was a shame. However, we will NEVER stay there again…not fun…seriously…outdated…and not very clean…upon arrival back home I felt the urge to wash every single thing whether I had worn it or not….the show itself was glorious and busy and exhausting as always…but let’s start with my favorite thing about the show….food trucks ❤️😊😘

For the most part the food in Tucson is amazing…these food trucks are no exception! People are also soooo friendly in Tucson!

I can’t tell you the enormity of the show…everyday we get there when the show opens and stay until it closes. We buy stock for our store for the year…we have great relations with our vendors. This particular show is not open to the public. You must be in our trade to attend. We know where the gems come from and the treatments…and we hand select our stones…it’s exhausting…but I love how much I learn each year…this year I tackled rubies…and was able to catch a few things my husband didn’t see…go me!!!!

Marks eldest daughter was able to join us for the last two days and that was soo great having her young eyes to help us! That is the biggest star sapphire I have ever seen. Over 200 cts 😳😱😱😱

On our last day we went to an amazing place where we were able to have fried bread and enjoy the amazing beauty and architecture of this beautiful church.

It was a wonderful experience!

Our trip home took longer than we expected…as we missed our connecting flight home due to our plane was late due to a mechanical failure…we spent the night on the airlines dime and had a nice dinner in Salt Lake City. Very friendly and very beautiful!

Our luggage liked it aa well. And they stayed an extra day….but finally showed up around 2 pm this afternoon.

All clothes are washed and dried and put away….I’m on Tucson time…and I have to open in the morning 🤦🏼‍♀️

All schoolwork is checked and graded. All hours are written..:payroll is done and bills are paid as well as grocery shopping…now to get ready for Valentines Day!

Lessons learned? Never put your makeup in your suitcase. Never pack your favorite toothbrush. Always bring your warmest fuzzy sweatshirt (even to the desert)…I froze for two days. Always Bring more than two pairs of shoes….always pack Clorox wipes and hand sanitizer. Last but not least…be kind to your fellow man….don’t yell at airline people….be kind…be courteous….we are all just trying to make a living…don’t be the person that they talk about when they get home as the worst person of the day. Thank your hairdresser, every SINGLE day from people at the KC airport, Tucson airport and show. Where we ate lunch…dinner…and back to Salt Lake City….people always complimented my hair….my husband even started laughing about it…it was constant…but you know what? It was awesome! Tell your fellow man when you like their hair or clothes…they will feel like a million bucks!

Rest easy! Travel safely! Thanks for all the love for my KC Chiefs from all over the country while traveling (even a couple from California 😳) we as Kansas Citians so appreciate it….and yes. I forgive you Salt Lake City airport young man….who asked us if we were flying to Kansas ☹️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️ I appreciate you even😬