Author: jme71te

I saw a post the other day that had “adult stickers”….some of them made me laugh….because I feel that somedays, we really do need them.  For instance, one said “Showed up to work on time.” “remembered to bring lunch”

“Adulting” is a lot harder than I thought it would be….and it doesn’t seem to be getting easier, which I really wish it would. Lots of things consume our time, our time with our kids…and our time for ourselves. Most of those things could probably be simplified.  That has been my never ending theme for the last three years…maybe more…simplify…and how is it going for everyone? It seems , we all keep saying the same thing.

What is something you struggle with? For the past year…I’ve struggled with managing my time, over committing, pulling myself in a million different directions, not making time for quiet, not making time for me…not making time for anyone it seemed!

Now, what is my struggle? Several things I’m sure….but the two that I try and concentrate on are living with true intention….and the biggest thing I’m working on is trying so hard to keep going even when I hear nothing but noise and negativity from other people.  Do you listen to the voices that tell you that your not enough? Do you live in your past mistakes? Are you brave enough to move on? Do you want to live in the present, or stay in the past? Do you want to live behind closed doors because its safe? Do you want to quit putting yourself out there because you are tired of people hurting you? Are you tired of being made fun of? Are you tired of explaining yourself and your choices? Now, is the time friend.

I will not sit here and tell you that I have risen above all these things.  People say mean things about me and it hurts, and I still bleed.  People say things that I did in my past that I’m not proud of…and it hurts…and I think that that is all I will ever be…that mistake…that huge blemish….that part in my life that I wish I could erase.  We find those painful pasts….and we excuse it away…and there very well might be a very good excuse for it…but there very well might not be an excuse for it at all.  It was a dark time in my life, it was a dark time in your life…I made stupid choices, I received terrible unwise advice….however you want to label it.

I have been paralyzed time and time again…by what people say about me….some true…some untrue…and I have a choice to make.

I can either be absolutely held captive by those bad choices…or I can admit that that is NOT who I am anymore and move forward.

For the last ten years, I have devoted myself to a mission that I felt was God given…and it is not popular…and I get made fun of for it often.  I even have people tell me that they hate it….they walk the other way when they see me coming…they tell me that I’m weird and they have no idea why I do it…they ask me why?

The answer is….I have NO idea….but its a mission I’ve been given….its something I’ve always had a fondness for…and a curiosity…its something I’ve tried multiple times to walk away from…and I just can not do it.

I’m sad when I can’t do it…I’m completely wrapped up in it…and always thinking of new ideas.

If you follow this blog at all…you know that I clown….and if you know me at all….you know I suffer much for it.  From well meaning people, to friends and family who do not understand at all….and if you know too many clowns….you know we wear our hearts on our sleeves….and that in itself is very dangerous.

I’ve been knocked over….and severely depressed…have felt that the world doesn’t need another clown, doesn’t need me. My children would be better off with someone else.  My business, my husband, my family….my friends…name it….better off….without me.

Those are lies, and I know that as soon as they come across my lips….but still…I believe them…and I say them….and I completely close up…and hide behind the doors of my home….and smile to everyone that sees me…but unless you really know me…you don’t know what’s going on.

The last few weeks….that’s the place where I have been.  I got beat up by words that were said.  Some of the  words, were true, some were not, and some were greatly exaggerated,  but nevertheless, painful words. The pain was caused in the truth of some of them…and that no matter what good I do…those actions cannot be undone….and that’s a lot to swallow.

This is when good friends come into play….and this is when you need someone who will kick you in the “tail” to get you moving.  This is when you need people that will tell you the truth.  The truth is:

“It’s easy to be defined by one moment in life.  The enemy would love to convince you to let that one mistake, that one season, cause you to live down on yourself, not be passionate about your dreams.  That mistake didn’t cancel God’s plan. You may have failed, but you’re not a failure.  That was a moment in your life, that was one season; it doesn’t determine your future.  Don’t let that mistake define you.” Joel Osteen

I read that, it was sent to me by my dear friend….and I realized the truth she was speaking.  If I sit in my house and say the world is better without me and I can’t do anything right….then I have robbed those that are blessed by my ministry because of a past failure….and that really made me mad….because I really just wanted to pout.

I just wanted to sit in my big ol comfy couch and just do what I wanted to do….I had no desire to go “fix” other people.  I didn’t want to make people smile…or laugh….I just want to sit….and if you know me….you know that that didn’t last long…and I picked up the phone….and started making arrangements to go and see those that I had previously cancelled.

Not every time I clown is an amazing experience….sometimes….everything goes exactly wrong.  Sometimes, I trip over oxygen cords (yes, it was so embarrassing).  Sometimes, people scream and want me to go away…and sometimes….people laugh, and people tell me how much it means to them that I came….and that’s what I hold onto.

Whatever your gift….whatever your talent…whatever amazing unique thing that you do that no one else can quite do like you….don’t give up…don’t keep it to yourself…go out and accomplish what you were meant to do…

Social Media is a blessing and a curse. Mostly…a curse. It enables us to share our lives…but only a small tiny amount. I somehow always “seem to be in the wrong boat”, “on the other side of the fence”, “behind the times”, whatever phrase you want to say…”wrong place at the wrong time.”

We are always traveling when everyone else is at home. We are camping when everyone else is going to France. We are spending a quiet weekend, when everyone else is at a parade, or a carnival. Do you ever feel that way? Like your missing out? Like your kids didn’t get all the things they should have gotten?

Yesterday, in my small corner of the world…there were many things in my town to go to. My daughter wanted a quiet weekend with her friend…and they played games, they talked, they danced, they listened to music. My husband and I went out on a date and to a movie (haven’t gone to a movie in a year) Today, we napped…and relaxed…and watched tv.

Our week begins with the usual…but ends with a very delayed vacation…as in we have had two days off for summer vacation that we took last month…and we now will squeeze the other three days in this weekend.

I would love to visit my college son and attend a MU football game. I would love to take my pre teen back to Philly, where the three of us can see her big sister attending Penn. I would love to see NYC in the fall…but our business beckons us…and there are seasons…and the season we are in right now…requires hard work…as we assemble a new team..as we charter new waters.

As seasons change…and life changes…we must change with it. So many of you are yearning for quiet…I keep trying…but I feel this loud yearning feeling…almost a yelling that I’m missing out…that my child is missing something.

I want to be quiet…I want to be obedient…I want to be successful. Sometimes, I feel that the busyness of life…drowns our what our soul yearns for…

Can I ride home in quiet? Can I sit in a room without reaching for my cell phone? Can I engage a stranger in conversation? Can I offer a smile to someone in need?

What would happen to us…if we just stopped? What would happen to us if we took one week…and turned off all the sounds and interruptions? Took a book camping, went on hikes, watcher our children draw? What would happen if we did soul searching? What if we just relaxed long enough to enjoy the simple beauty around us?

Could we do it?

Tomorrow, I’m doing out of the ordinary things…I’ve even written down in my organizer to feel official. I will keep you posted how my week goes.

If your suffocating from all the busyness of your life…cancel something this week…cancel an activity that doesn’t bring joy (I don’t mean work😬) and see how it goes. Do something you’ve always wanted to do…the time is now. Forget everyone else and what they are doing…what brings you and your family peace?

My favorite song right now is Well Done by the Afters. I couldn’t tell you if it’s old or new…or what…I was listening on Pandora and it stopped me in my tracks…

The words

There are days that I’m soo tired…so sick of watching others hurt…others in pain…people suffering…and fighting…and angry…and I just want it to end. I want people to quit hurting themselves and each other.

Why do children have cancer? Why do spouses cheat? Why do husbands die? Why are sons left without their fathers? Why do babies die? Why do accidents happen? Why do heart attacks occur? Why?

Why is it that some work and work…and there’s still so much work…why others go away for four months for a holiday?

Why are some people born with amazing looks…and others not so great…why?

After listening to this song…it doesn’t really matter.

God has promised that we will have trouble..but He has overcome the world. This is not where we get off…this is not our last stop. This is not as good as it is going to get.

There are still beautiful things about life…somedays you have to really search…but it is still there.

Someday, when I look at the face of Jesus..I hope He will say these words to me…

I have selfish days…I’m tired…I’m tired of explaining…I’m tired of being the one that makes people laugh…I’m tired of people taunting me….I’m tired of letting fear win a lot.

However, I remember…that whatever it is that God has given you to do…you are enough to accomplish it. You have all the tools that you need to do so.

Tonight, I had a front row seat to watching my daughter completely let go of fear…and it was an amazing thing to see.

She has been riding horses for about two years…and last year she wanted to quit…I could tell. She didn’t say so…I’m also a very strong advocate of pushing your kids to finish a task (unless it’s soccer…then praise Jesus we only had to do one season🙌🏻) but I could tell she was discouraged.

She kept at it…I could tell she was getting braver…tonight…breakthrough…she told that horse who was boss…and trotted that beautiful horse all around the arena…it was like a new person emerged. You should have seen the look of satisfaction on her face as she rode around. It was beautiful, and I wanted to do a cheer..but hey, horses..not a good idea for cheering and screaming etc.

Fear holds me back when it comes to learning about gems and taking tests. Fear holds me back when driving in the city. Fear holds me back when learning to juggle or the ukele…fear holds me back when I’m clowning..:I seize up that I won’t be able to stay in character..:that I actually forget to even start in character.

I keep getting braver…waiting for my “breakthrough moment”.

Meanwhile…I keep pushing towards the prize…

About four months ago I made a choice, a very hard choice. I was miserable with the way I had been living…nothing bad..just mundane..just mediocre, just coasting…and I had some choices to make. Sometimes God sends storms into our lives that make us change…and sometimes He doesn’t..but I still had a choice…and I chose to do whatever He asked of me with the gifts that He has given me…whether I was uncomfortable with it or not. I could see what God wanted to teach me…and at first, I sat around and cried about it..I didn’t want to change..but then I said yes… and then…something amazing happened.

I felt that I needed some adventure. Kind of like the movie Walter Mitty…where he’s always dreaming the adventure….always saving up for “someday” and then “someday” finally came and instead of daydreaming the adventure…he lived it!

What is it that you want to do in life? What adventures do you want to go on? Do you want to go camping and see how you can survive a horrible rainstorm with lightening all night and thunder???

Or perhaps, you want to do something crazy like clowning…but you’ve been holding back…to afraid that people will think your weird?

These were all things that I have felt…but four months ago…I said that I would do what He asked of me…regardless of how uncomfortable I felt..:

So far…I’ve met some incredible people…I met a lady with Food For kids where we made sandwiches Monday mornings in the summer.::and I clowned at their water day…

I taught kids at the Youth Alliance how to clown and we went to the retirement home and had a blast!

I clowned for Pivotal Point and the animal shelter.

I went on tv and did this character for a promo for our store.. two things I said I would never do: go on tv, and clown at my store..

Decided to do some clown visits with new friends:

Went to a business meeting and got the business people to do “Tony Chestnut” with me…they did awesome!

Introduced a new character for our store to have some fun in our community….

I say none of these things to brag…only to say…how amazing it is to me how many doors open when we finally let go and let God direct us. Last year, I couldn’t beg people enough to let me clown…the doors all kept closing…because I was knocking on the wrong doors.

Sometimes, the greatest blessings can come into our lives when we least expect it. When we are at our weakest, when we feel like hiding in our homes and never coming out…but God had amazing plans for each of us…if we will only let fear go.

Fear was my biggest obstacle…it still is…and I will overcome it.

For now…I keep being amazed at the doors that keep opening…I keep walking through what He has asked me to walk through…and I keep being amazed at how all the things I was trying to fix and control…He totally has.

Press on friend…press on!

I was going to start this blog post…sharing our adventure to the apple orchard…but how boring is that? We’ve been going to the same apple orchard for about sixteen years.

Then I thought, I could show pictures about how quickly my children have grown…because we are down to one now…but again, how boring is that? Like we all need more pictures in this world with mothers crying over their children’s lost childhood…not..:me…..please.

So I thought I would talk about why I’m up at almost midnight…when I have a long day of work ahead of me…and I’m feeling guilty for all the things a mom feels guilty for…and I have no solution.

I own a business with my husband. This business has been quite successful the last four years. We have seen great growth. We have seen a lot of tears with that growth. It’s always very difficult to find the people to help sell the product and offer proper customer service…which our society just doesn’t seem to really ask for anymore.::most of us just expect bad service. One of our main objectives when we remodeled, was to create a store that makes people comfortable, yet they have a great experience…and we have found some great employees that do that on a daily basis. Yet…I still need more people…good people. So, I sit here…scanning through applications…trying to find someone who might fit the mold…going through the schedule, trying to give my employees off what they need and give them the hours that they want…and I sit here…kind of mad.

I’m annoyed, upset, sad…and discouraged. Why is it so difficult to find people who want to work? To show up on time!? To be dependable?

As this school year started…I purposely said no to things, because I wanted to spend more time with my daughter, doing projects…and really diving into her curriculum…but instead…I’m giving instruction…and leaving her to accomplish it…and not being there for every second of the day…and then I had a moment of enlightenment!

Perhaps, this season (which we knew would be busy) will be a time that my daughter can thrive…I’ve already seen it happening in just the few times that I’ve been called away..and I feel a little silly. We as Moms out this pressure on ourselves…that no one else but us can do these things that we do.

I used to completely lose my mind when my kids would help fold clothes. They weren’t done badly…they were just not done how I would Do them. My husband taught them his way…and well, my way is better.😬

Last month…I was overwhelmed with so many things…we had just gotten a brand new washing machine…and I was explaining how to use it to my daughter…I was annoyed because it would have been easier for me to just do it myself…but today..that same kid…washed and dried and folded and put away all her own clothes…which then allowed me to grade all her schoolwork and go over things that I wanted her to see…and we were able to plan for tomorrow.

I struggle with this so much!! I want to be a good Mom…bake them cookies and great dinners..clean house and make their favorites. Hang up their laundry color coded and straighten their dresser drawers…but real life isn’t that for me. Once or twice a week it is…but not the normal every day life.

We have lessons, we have errands, we have play times…and we have volunteering…and I have yet for anyone I know to knock on my door and ask to see how I folded my T-shirt’s, or if my socks are rolled perfectly. I have yet for anyone to check the dust on my lamps, and check to see if there is a speck of dirt on my floors…I guarantee there was a day..you would be hard pressed to find it…but I’ve grown up…and realized that perfect clean floors and vacuumed floors,(where I get mad when people walk on them) is just not things sane people say…sometimes…you just have to let things go.

So, the Mornings of drinking coffee while my daughter does her nature sketching…is probably not on the horizon soon…but we are going camping soon….and we can do it then…

The read alouds I wanted to do with my daughter each day…probably won’t happen either…but her Dad does do that with her almost every night.

We create this perfect picture of homeschooling in our minds…and feel like failures if we can’t or don’t complete it that way…but everyone is at a different place, phase and beauty of life…and I refuse to get depressed…I refuse to get caught up…I refuse to feel the anxiety that I’m not enough…that I’m a bad mom because we missed a field trip or an enrichment class…or that my daughter is missing out when we aren’t at every single event…you are enough Momma…you really are.

Tomorrow…after you’ve had that magic bean…live your best life…not your friends…not your pals…not every other homeschool Mom…but yours…because life demands change..and constant re-evaluation…and I refuse to give in to fear of not being able to complete this task properly or perfectly..how do I deal with the task I’m given…right now…choose joy..in whatever season life gives you…don’t speed it up to get rid of it…to make it hurt less…just let it go..and accomplish what you were made to…and let your children show that they are capable of so much more than they every thought possible.

Well, there is a word that I never thought I would say…after almost 30 years for both my husband and I we decided to go camping to celebrate our 16 years of married bliss…and it was..well, it was like our marriage…a little rocky at first…but then we managed to have a tremendous time.

We decided we should go on a weeknight before everyone came down for the holiday. When I made the reservation the weather looked to be spectacular! When we arrived and checked in, even the camp hostess said the weather looked to be fabulous!

So we set up our tent, which wasn’t too horrible…but it was so humid…our directions were even wet.

We had a horrible time starting a fire (I say we, I mean…my husband). The humidity was ridiculous and it been raining horribly….then the wind picked up…and the temps dropped and it felt glorious.

I pre-made all our meals and had everything pretty organized. I did forgot a spatulas, but had a wooden spoon so we survived. My biggest problem was bringing too much.

We did purchase a camp stove…since the last time we used one was before we were married and we are pretty sure we had one…but three moves and three kids ago…it was just easier to purchase a new one. I also purchased a tablecloth, and a battery powered fan and charger…other than that…we had everything.

That night… it rained and rained…and was lightening and thundering…and it was a sleepless night to say the least….plus we discovered the four person tent was really made for two small adults…not my husband who is six foot three.🤦🏼‍♀️

Despite our sleepless night…the next day we awoke to strangely dried off campground…my husband made coffee with the french press (thank you Jesus) and we went hiking.

The bathrooms

were very clean and had toilet paper

And we spent the day reading and napping

We wanted to stay for one more night…but it was Labor Day weekend and our lovely nap was interrupted by music being played very loud (thankfully not country)….and we were completely surrounded….

In two more weeks we hope to go again…take our 12 year old with us… and come armed with a much bigger tent and a softer air mattress.

Our daughter will inherit our previous tent.

All in all…pretty good time…..we can’t wait to go again….rain rain stay away!

I haven’t been on here in such a very long time…I felt my posts were depressing…and even though I have been dealing with some tough things…after awhile, it gets difficult to read.

August started off with a bang….dropped my son off for his sophomore year…and bawled like a baby on my way home, after my daughter fell asleep. I was grateful for sunglasses. He was gone all summer…and home for two days which literally was spent at the doctors and the chiropractor and getting his car in shape…but we got him moved in…and he even let me have my pictures. We as Moms….need our pictures.

We have had a very busy time at our store…just finished up an insane but good promotion that ended quite well. I went on Live tv in clown…two things I said I would never ever do.

Then we had some fun with our customers and were able to have some fun with our community….

Then we celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary by working 🤡😬

And now….this weekend, we are doing something I never thought I would ever ever do….we are actually going camping.

We are leaving a day early ahead of the weather…which is why I can’t sleep…because I’m worried we will forget something…could this be a disaster??? Oh absolutely!!! However, the great thing about being an adult…is that if it’s a disaster…we can get in our car and drive home 😬😬.

I wanted to do this with just my husband and I before we take our daughter. She has begged for years to go tent camping…and frankly, I haven’t wanted to or felt the need…after the age of 45…I have this super weird desire…for simple…for less stuff…for more adventures…to explore parts of the country that I haven’t…to go hiking more…to just experience a bit of nature.

We enjoyed Colorado so much the times we hiked and stayed in the cabin…but I always felt we were cheating….hiking all day…dishwasher and stove and movies all night. It was wonderful, don’t get me wrong…but the older I get…the busier I am…the more quiet I need when we actually decide to get away. We still haven’t taken a single summer trip..and I have absolutely no idea where the summer has gone….but here we are.

The month of September we are taking half of it off….before we start our new adventures for our business in October.

For homeschooling, I have simplified our calendar…..and somehow…it still fills up.

We all try so hard now to keep our lives quiet…to reflect…to listen…

I need to sit by a stream…and take a hike. I need to sit by a campfire…watch the sun come up while I drink coffee. I need to spend a day with my headbands and not a shower…just my hiking poles…and the beautiful sound of quiet.

Ten years ago…I would have laughed at all of that…I wanted nothing to do with hiking…give me a beach and room service and nothing but laying around…but I think having babies exhausted me…and now that my little humans can take care of themselves for the most part…this Mamma needs to refuel her soul…her mind.

My parents are aging…I have a college son…I have a pre teen…I have a business…I am married…I have a mission in my community to help people smile by clowning and that can keep me very busy…in October alone…I have six engagements. I homeschool my child…and plan events for my store and employees…my life is full….and when life is full….it’s important to fuel ourselves and take care of ourselves…I will let you know how our adventure goes, what we eat, how we deal with the rain 😬☹️ and how we feel about camping after this…I am not looking forward to the whole outside toilets…but I figure I can make it for two nights surely 😜🤪.

Wish me luck!

Summer is that crazy time where life moves at warp speed…and we just are all around busy. I’m sweating…I stay indoors…and I dream of fall.

When my babies were little…we lived in the pool it seems…but now…we are busy with activities…and lazy summer days are all gone.

I made a promise to myself to slow down this fall…to make life go as slow as I could make it go…but this summer…I made a promise to myself that whatever doors open for clowning…I will do it if at all possible .

I personally thought that when I said that that the doors would just stay as they are…but that hasn’t been the case…and I feel blessed…

I hope that if there’s something that God has placed on your heart to do…that the doors fly wide open for you as well. They won’t always fly open….sometimes for me…they are bolted shut…but sometimes…the floodgates are thrown wide….and that’s what I’m experiencing now.

I would ask that you would pray or think good thoughts if you do that…and ask that I will be able to do what He asks of me…that I will be able to make people smile and spread some cheer….I would certainly appreciate it.

Many people think when you homeschool your children…that they are automatically weird. Now, my kids may be weird….but it’s not because they are homeschooled…it’s because their mother is weird….and I’ve got no problem whatsoever admitting that!🙋🏼‍♀️🙋🏼‍♀️

However (in case any of you reading this haven’t met me) my kids aren’t really weird…my son is 19, and besides his habits of a messy room and car…he is in fact…somewhat normal…and my daughter…well she’s 12….I haven’t met a normal one yet.

Another misconception…is that we all sit home and drool over ourselves all day…and that misconception is what brings me to my blog post…this very day.

After I’m done calculating hours each year (it’s a MO thing) I always look back in the year to see what I can change…to make life better…and this year…I…was….dead….tired…like ridiculous…and my daughter….was begging to stay home more….something had to change…..and I’m not completely sure…but 99.9 percent sure there’s some big changes happening for us this first semester.

Last year, we belonged to two co-ops. I taught three classes, clowned at two retirement homes and another place as well each month, and of course I helped run a business (doing all the social media) scheduling of employees, decorating, and I also decided to take some classes (you know to keep life interesting) homeschooled my daughter, and sent a son off to college. I also, have aging parents, who one had a stroke (they thought) and the other we spent a lot of time at the neurologist. Writing all that makes me tired…doesn’t make me feel important or anything positive..:it sounds like a train wreck….

This summer, we have done swim team, we have done horse lessons, had friends over, and will go to art camp and church camp…and I personally think that is plenty. I’ve started back into yoga…keep trying to find time to run again…and am trying to finish my last gem class.

Today, I did something I’ve been trying to take care of all summer…and it’s almost the middle of July..::

We started back to art journaling…and my soul instantly found peace.

Why do I feel it so necessary to fill my day with impossible lists and tasks…that I drown out any joy? Why is it so important to constantly move and check lists…and never sit and listen to silence?

I’ve been purging my home more and more…spending less and less…and trying to fill that free time…with quiet conversation. Petting the dog, fitness for me. Drinking more water…planning meals, developing my hobbies more. Finding more time to explore our curriculum more…going on more field trips. We never go on any at all because we have filled our days with co-op and Enrichment classes (all good things) but my soul needs quiet right now.

As homeschoolers we have so many activities, and the need and the pull to go from one thing to the other is great….but I promised myself….that this semester….we are going to spend more time outside, go on some field trips, some activities…and try my hardest to slow down.

Every 4th of July, (like every good American mother)…I went to Old Navy to get all four of our kids matching shirts. They complained about it endlessly…rolled their eyes…but still…they endured😬.

Tomorrow, for the first time ever…I don’t have my son here with his Dad…getting excited about blowing things up☹️. They would go every year to the firework stand and buy some things…not anything near what some people spend…but still…we usually enjoyed a little celebration.

This year…we are to old for the growing worms, the snaps on the ground, and possibly the smoke bombs. There might be a lantern, possibly some day parachutes…but the baby in the diaper eating watermelon are gone. The days of sticky fingers after s’mores are gone. The crying of fireworks, the trash in piles everywhere the next morning…it’s all gone…and I’m a little sad.

No huge pool floaters…no stand together for a big picture…no fighting…just one kid to watch in the pool, one child to do fireworks with…and one child to entertain…

We have a daughter in Ireland, a son in Alabama, another one here in town but busy…and then we have our 12 year old.

I don’t say this to make you feel sorry for me . I’m really fine…with less work and less whine…but I did want to say…that if your a momma of littles.

Be in the picture…play in the pool…eat a s’mores with them, and dance with the sparklers. Kiss their cheeks until you can’t kiss them anymore…record their sweet voices, and don’t worry about the mess…

Live your life one beautiful moment at a time. It will never be perfect…it will never be the way you had imagined…but work with what ya got!!!