Author: jme71te

So many of us struggle with this….I know that I personally have been just going through life…enduring one trial at a time…coasting through the joys…waiting for the next trial.

Trials are always going to come, and they can come in waves…or huge crashes that knock you over. They can be personal, physical, financial, work related, family, you name it.

I have become tired of living in a manner that is unhealthy….withdrawing further and further into myself because I’m so afraid of being hurt…in that withdrawal…I was finding myself more and more closed off…so much so…I could hardly breathe anymore.

Life is not meant to be lived alone….and there will always be cruddy stuff that happens…some of it debilitating….and I have been knocked over once or twice in my own life…I find when I’m walking through the toughest thing…I rely on Him for absolutely everything….when life is good….I withdraw …..I don’t want to go places, see people…or anything….I just want to be in my small little world.

In times of great trial…I have learned to listen to Him intently (I should be doing that anyway…but I feel like I’ve got life in control, and I don’t need Him) but when there is nothing else I can do…no way I can fix something…without His hand….I’ve learned to listen more…and His voice has been so clear.

For this next year He has asked me to be intentional in my giving. It’s easier to just throw money at different causes or charities (and don’t get me wrong…they all NEED money) but I have felt a tug…to go and do things that I’d rather not do. I feel that’s where He has me at right now…to be completely obedient. I’ve reached out to several groups….and so far He wants me to be busy😬.

This year…its servant hood…and so far…I’m really tired…but really happy 😬🤡❤️😘

I remember in college, how old that sounded…I mean, it was like soooo old.

I know that had I known what life would bring me…I probably would have run far away.

I look back at my life then as a college student…not sure what I wanted…completely in love with a man who I thought would be the answer to all my dreams…but he wasn’t…and I learned a lot from that…that relationship brought me a beautiful baby boy…

Who just completed his first year of college, himself.

It taught me how to grow up…and learn what true love really is….

It taught me that having a man that loves you and wants the best for you, is all you need. To have both of you wanting the best for each other…not selfishly making the other person work for you.

At 46, I have been married twice, buried a husband, raised a son, help raise two stepdaughters, and have been blessed with my own daughter and help my husband grow our business and accomplish a few things on the side…

Clowning has allowed me to cross paths with so many people…and I’m so grateful for it all.

The kids that I have taught, the people that I have met…I can’t imagine a moment without it.

I doubt that the last day I draw breath on this earth, that the earth will stop spinning…or that really to many people will be impacted…but I do know that a few will be…I hope so.

I hope to be just halfway done…and there are a lot of things left that I want to do…but I’m very blessed. This world and people get me down…

But I have so much to be thankful for!

There are days where this life will beat you up. Where people will speak evil of you…there will be days and days of no praise…and sometimes…your good will be evil spoken of.

There will be days when people will pass by you and steal your ideas as their own…they will forget all the kind things you did for them. They will tell others lies…but look for the ones that no one sees…the forgotten, the lonely…turn off the microphones and the cameras…put the phone down..:be vulnerable…be real…put yourself out there…and try again.

I will never be rich (don’t think I want to be) I will never be popular, or claimed as gorgeous…but can I please…be called kind…can I please be called trustworthy, honest…can I be called a keeper of secrets…can I be counted on, known to be on time. Will I ever be known as positive, funny, and welcoming? I will never be known as highly intelligent…but can I please be a good teacher, a helper to those who need me…can I be a person who can sit with the broken??? Can I speak wisdom in silence by actions…can I just listen and be still…can I have more time…more time to learn the ukele so I can go to nursing homes and cancer units. Can I have more time to read all the books I’m trying to read…can I have more time with my children…can I sit with my parents longer? Can I laugh more? Can I tell more jokes? Can I kiss my daughters forehead more before she goes to sleep each night? Can I rewind the clock to tuck my son into bed and read him The Giant Caterpillar just one more time…and listen to his little voice tel me he loves me. Can I watch my husband’s eyes light up when he hears the beat of our unborn daughter’s heartbeat when we found out we were having a girl? Can I rewind to the time he saw me coming down the aisle in my wedding dress?

Because it the end…it’s the memories, the people, the impact, the way you made people feel when you were around that matters. Do people groan or smile when they see you coming?

My story isn’t over….May the remaining chapters be as rich as the beginning.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

I am grateful to be a mother, and grateful to still have my mother on the planet to share this day with.

My list of blessings Is very long…my list of hangups is even longer.

Today, I was sad/annoyed that the university my son attends had such a ridiculous long Christmas Break, that they still have a week left of finals before they will even be home. Just so you know, I’m not one of those mother’s who has a cow if she doesn’t see her son every month…I am not. On purpose, we waited to see him u til Thanksgiving, because we wanted him to adjust. He came home for the longest Christmas Break ever…went back to college in the middle of January…and I didn’t see him again, until I went down there in April…so…I’m not a needy parent…but Mother’s Day…well…it stunk.

I also did the examining pitfall of Instagram and Facebook…with everyone and their perfect squares…and their perfect amount of kids…evenly spaced…which I couldn’t even do that right. My kids are seven years apart…and in between them is enough sadness and tears and heartache for a very long book…but in the end…it’s what it is…and there is nothing perfect about it.

I grew up with a large group of friends…I would say easily there was 7-10 of us (maybe more). I always took it for granted…until I moved almost two hours away. After I moved two hours away, I was insanely busy with now being a business owner, and a mother to one and a stepmother to two.::and a husband that also needed my attention. My husband and I like to call our first year of marriage the “hell year” because it absolutely was every bit of hell. We were so naive merging a home renovation and merging three kids together…it makes my head hurt looking back…so I wasn’t concerned with not having friends.

By the time that I was finally getting life together…I realized that I had lost touch with my high school buddies and college buddies…and even though we have started back to small connections, it’s not like what it used to be. I’m still hoping for a reunion again soon.

I have found that we as women…are frankly…horrible to each other. I have personally left my own experiences out there for people to learn or take my advice…or whatever they feel like doing…and I’ve been told I was wrong..not informed…should have paid more attention. I’ve bent over backwards for employees…to see it blow up in my face. Dedicate my life to being an example to those women much younger than me…and my good was evil spoken of.

So what do we do? Do we stay away from all women (it’s not to hard) and live a life of seclusion? Have “surface” friendships??? I would say…that’s what many of us have done…and I’m not judging…I’m right there with ya.

I go to church, smile at people…say a few peoples names…simg praise and worship…listen to the sermon…leave…and I’ve done exactly that for three years…and frankly, I don’t ever see that changing. I go to our homeschool groups…chat with a few ladies…then if it’s an event that I have to stay at…I’m either teaching…or sitting in my car working…I’m not really “socializing” I’m not sure if this makes me a very bad person….or if I’m in some “survival” mode.

If the last year has proven anything to me…it’s that people do not change, no matter what they say.

We as women…love to tear down…spread lies…and make sure that we always come out on top. We can’t just leave things alone…if someone is prettier, more successful…we smile to their face…and write hateful things or say hateful things behind their backs. We encourage no one. We cover each other.::try and have carbon copies of houses of each other…and when someone has more followers or likes or whatever…we we think up whatever we can…just to see them fail.

I never see it more obvious than Mother’s Day. Many of us have pictures like this….

I remember it…my kids had to look perfect, have color coordinating outfits…and I was a barrel of fun until we got the perfect shot…after 40…I just really didn’t care anymore.

Why do we as mothers measure our success with our kids success? My children will do what they are going to do…no matter how amazing of a parent I was.

When my son was a toddler, we had containers with pictures of our toys…he would pick them all up every day perfectly. He loved to put his clothes in his dresser, he loves bath time…he hugged and kissed me always…and was the perfect Napper.

Three weeks ago, he showed me his dorm room(he knew I was coming) and as he showed it to me…he replied “it’s not THAT bad” I kid you not…a small animal would have been lost forever in it…the only comfort I got, was the young man he shared his room with, was just as messy…

Does this mean I’m a failure as a parent? No, it means my son decided to be less organized and neat than I made him be while he lived here…and that’s ok (until he comes home 😬😜) I can sit here and brag about all our kids…and I can also sit here and tell you all our mistakes…I can tel you different things worked for different kids…and we made mistakes with all four.

Raising humans is the hardest job on the planet…suffering alone with trying to figure out if we did it right…is even harder. I know many feel this way…but we all seem to still let the “mean girls” win…

We need to stand up and fight for each other..:encourage one another…admit when we feel like we are sinking into a pit of despair.

I actually admitted that three weeks ago…and I had people who I never thought would step up…pull me up out of a very dark place…this world is hard and mean…and nothing is as hurtful as when good people who do good things…get trampled…when we realize that no matter how hard we try…we will never fit in…when we are made fun of for being different, being successful…or just trying our best.

So…my tribe will never be 7 or 10 girls anymore…rooting me forward…my tribe is still there…but in smaller numbers. I also never know who it’s going to be…I don’t have a “go to” group….I wish I did, but I don’t…I just keep praying…that when the dark clouds roll in…God will urge those that know me..:to come and help pull me out of the depths…and I pray that when the Holy Sprit nudges me…that I will listen…because we are all on the same team…and most of us…just want to make it to the finish line…with a lot less loss of blood, and a lot less tears…I’m rooting for ya…whose with me?!

I’ve been reading the book “Girl, Wash Your face.” By Rachel Hollis. If you haven’t read it, I would highly recommend (after your done reading my blog post) that you would go out and read it…if your cheap like me…you can even find it at your local library.

I have found that when I go through great trials…God normally send me little signs that He’s with me…because even though I KNOW He is…He gets that I don’t always FEEL that way.

The book. Turns out was a godsend. I had ordered it in January …but the wait list was long…since I haven’t been able to get my hands on it until now….but it was perfect timing!

If you’ve ever been a person that decided to start devoting your time and energy to others…and given secretly and sacrifically…and just had all that thrown back in your face…you understand the week that I have had.

Oh my lists of complaints and hurts can be told to you for several hours…but honestly…no one wants to hear that.

There are ugly parts of my story…that I wish were not a part of my life. But there’s a reason I get “single moms” and women who have been cheated on. I hate what pornography does to a family…because I’ve had a front row seat to it. I have sat in the car at the cemetery, and watched my son ask the heavens why He took his Daddy…I’ve also sat in the car while he screamed…and now…he speaks quietly at his dads graveside.

I’ve been accused of more things that are untrue than true…even after I paid off bills I didn’t have to…and paid off a headstone that I should not have had the burden of.

I’ve had women who cheated with my husband laugh at me and tell me they knew why he left me….and I can’t even tell you how long it took me to get back up again after that…but you know what?

Every single nasty thing that has been said to me, or about me…I’ve never been alone. I’ve never been the only woman who has gone through that…I’ve never been the only single mom raising a baby, and I’ve most certainly never been the only one that can’t claim a million mistakes that she’s made.

I will tell you that I know lots of women who stay down…they don’t rise back up. They raise children who believe they are owed something from this world…and they are angry about it.

I canNOT change what has been done to me in the past…in the present…or in the future. I can count my blessings…and I can keep trudging forward…giving back to those I’m told to give to.

Two weeks ago…I was done…but God placed “encouragers” in my life…I received phone calls, texts, flowers, and a great deal of TLC from my husband….because life is hard and sometimes unbearable…but we are not made to go at it alone….even though it feels so much safer.

I don’t want to come out of hiding…but I know I’m not made to stay in the “dark place” that I have been in.

There is a lot of living to do….and this week as I drove through town so utterly heartbroken…and mad at the world…I literally had to start making a mental list of the good things, and I was in such a deep dark place they were like things I could see…sun shining, flowers blooming, that house has a pink door, the lady at Starbucks smiled at me, that person driving let someone in….I’m not kidding…this has been my exercises for the last few days….nothing else would register in my brain.

What would this world be like…if we looked at others the way others have looked at me this week….as a 911 event.

Smile at the cashier…put your phone down…say thank you to the person waiting on you. Pick up the trash, help out at a charity…do it…because.

There are so many people like me….but Unlike me they may not have “encouragers” you May be it….so go do it…be it…we all need it!

The other day, we had a big promotion at our store. I wanted to get kids excited about gems…and my husband had wanted a way to give them away to kids…with Easter coming, I thought that would be a GRAND idea (and it was).

We had a large crowd, gave out donuts shaped like carrots…and I was dressed as the Easter Bunny (not my fav gig if I’m being honest) and persuaded another employee to be my sidekick carrot. The day was glorious, busy, and fun…and for the most part…the children enjoyed it (there are always those that scream ☹️)

I was perfectly fine, until a little boy who was 18 months old came in. He was dressed like I had dressed my son back then…built like him when he was that age…and I just sort of lost it…right there in that bunny suit. No way to wipe my tears…just had to deal with it.

So many people grieve when their kids leave home for the first time, when they start college….then there are the rest of us….who are happy to see them go…because, let’s face it…raising a senior boy is the hardest job in the world…so not kidding!

My first tears came when he no longer was interested in Star Wars, and put away his figures…and his Playmobile. When he started growing taller than me….when I realized he was stronger than me.

When I had to send him out in the cold snow to shovel with his dad…when he had to learn to mow and I had to let him. When his voice changed and there was a man walking all over the house. When he was to big to carry to bed…when he no longer wanted to go dig for worms and ride his scooter….when he went to Boy Scout camp year after year and had to learn to deal with the extremes of weather.

I didn’t cry this past Saturday because my son wasn’t coming home for Easter….I cried because the little boy who held my hand and said “I love you Mommy.” is gone. I cried because he won’t ever sit on my lap again, or let me read bedtime stories, while I stroke his hair and kiss the top of his head…instead right now, we are still in the stage of…learning to grow up…learning what his parents “owe” him…and what he needs to do himself.

Now, there are other women in his life that he listens to…and other advice he seeks. My advice is now…not important…..and ready to do without. He calls me when his finger is bleeding…when he’s sick…and calls his Dad for the good stuff…for advice…and I’m just the “food maker”.

Will it always be this way? Nope! It will not be….maturity is coming….and lots of life’s lessons that I can’t protect him from.

I can’t open his bedroom door, and see him sleeping and breathe a sigh of relief because he’s safely tucked in bed….instead, I have to hope and pray…that some of what I taught him, he remembers….and that he will someday realize…that this Mom wasn’t always perfect….but she loved her boy…more than he will ever know.

This is the first year ever, in my entire marriage…that there will only be one child here…and it has me…just…kind of sad.

I remember the days of finding outfits for my kids to coordinate. I remember wondering what our Midwest weather would bring us. I remember Easter always smelling of..ham…and Cadbury eggs. I remember the yelling of whoever got the prized egg with $5 in it…and how they proclaimed to be king or queen for the day:

I remember how our children would adore ham and cheesy potatoes…how the eldest two would perfect deviled eggs with their dad…how we had to take Easter candy away.

How hard it was to get the perfect Easter picture. How exhausting it was to keep everyone clean on the way to church and the way home…and how everyone breathed a sigh of relief after pictures were taken.

I remember how snow fell last year and we had to have our egg hunt inside…how extra kids were here for the day…how the house was so loud…but it was so good!

I remember how my parents would complain about how rich my food was…and how I always got my dad a chocolate something or other.

I remember Easter egg dying…but this year my youngest isn’t interested because she doesn’t want to do it alone for the first time in her life…she doesn’t want to go on our yearly Easter egg hunt at home…because she will be by herself…and I can’t help but agree with her.

I don’t know why it went so fast…and even though I saw it coming…I really didn’t grasp it.

Sunday morning at church won’t be the same…because there will only be one girl standing with us…and even though there isn’t a thing I can do about it…I feel kind of …well I feel I got jipped.

Just when I remembered who liked peeps and who didn’t…it was all over. Just when I had figured out how to tell them they didn’t “match” just “coordinated”. Just when I found the perfect places to hide the eggs…the perfect way to dye the eggs…just when I remembered the vinegar. Just when I figured out Easter outfits that fit the Midwest spring…it’s over.

The Easter we knew…if officially over…and now I have to come up with new traditions for my youngest…to make her last seven Easter’s with us “old folks” fun, instead of lonely…and I’m up to the task…but right now…I won’t lie…this Easter hurts.

Your kids usually come home for Thanksgiving and Christmas…usually you see them around the 4th….but Easter…Easter is hurting very bad right now…and I’m about to lose it.

So, Dear Momma of four littles, your self worth is not in how great your kids look on Easter Sunday…or how great your pictures look…it doesn’t even matter if they coordinate or not. It doesn’t matter how eco friendly their Easter baskets are…or how many Easter eggs hunts you went on…it just matters…that no matter how old they get…that on Easter…they at least WANT to come home….

For all of you Mommas that are in the same boat with me…after I chase after my daughter for her last big girl Easter egg hunt…I’m taking the pictures with me in them…I’m soaking up the egg decorating…and I just might get a nap this year.

Enjoy your holiday friends’

Lately, I’ve been playing on my Pandora list…80s pop…which lately…have been given me just about all the “feels”. Growing up in a very strict environment…where this “rock music” was told to me and my friends…would cause a heart attack (due to the beat…or something like that….I wasn’t really listening 😬) you have no idea the sense of “danger and excitement” these songs would bring us. I listen to the lyrics today…and remember my young 16 year old self…driving home to Paula Abdul as she would sing “cold hearted Snake” I mean…how many young men had broken my heart by 16…such a long and sad list. I also started singing “Hungry Eyes” to my daughter…who is 11…and could not stop laughing…but to me…these were the best songs…and we love them so much…because they take us back to a time…when life was full of such promise, and excitement! If I would have known what life would have brought me…I still would have trudged in ahead…because the good has definitely outweighed the bad .

Oh, if I could just talk to my 16 year old self…so many things would I say. Stay true to your true friends….your true friends will never let you down….you can still talk to them when your 40…when everyone else around you seems to have something mean to say..this group of girls…they will be there for you.

I would tell myself to sing the solo in choir…don’t let the other girl have it. Try out for the play…don’t just work sound, because that’s all you think you can do. Just because the speech teacher doesn’t like you…ignore her…your better than she thinks you are. Also….go tear apart that piano solo…don’t be afraid to win….but that is not what I did…I let other people go ahead…I let other people win…I gave in…I gave up…I let go…because…not trying was easier…than not winning.

I would tell myself…those boys that broke my heart…they weren’t right for me…that the man for me was older…and lived over an hour away…and he wasn’t ready for me yet…and I wasn’t ready for him either.

I would tell myself that teachers and professors in college who told me that I wasn’t smart enough…were wrong…and I proved that to them at graduation. I would also tell myself that Jesus doesn’t judge us by our lofty prayers, or how self righteous and judgmental we can be of others…He looks at your heart…and I believe He held my hand all through high school and college…and even when I decided that living wasn’t really a thing I was for…and tried to slowly kill my self with an eating disorder…He still held my hand…and told me I was worthy.

Isn’t that what we all want to hear? That we are worthy…that we are worth it? That we matter? No one wants to hear that they are bad and horrible and have no way of changing…no one wants to hear that they are unloveable…that they are not worth loving.

Have you ever been cheated on by a spouse? Have you ever been told you were “just friends, and never should have married?” Have you ever been told that you were not good enough for your husband? That he chose another over you? Do you know what that does to you? It makes you feel empty…unworthy…and like trash. It makes you want to hide from the world…it makes you angry…and it hurts more than any hurt you can imagine. You have a stain on you that the whole world can see…that says…”I wasn’t good enough for my husband…after having me…he chose another.”

Do you know what it’s like to tell your almost three year old son that his Daddy died? That he’s not coming back? That you have to bury him? All of these things…they are written…in my past…and in the past…they will stay.

Do you know what it’s like…to sit before the throne of grace…and beg God to fix your completely broken life? Not that you broke it…it seems everyone you invested in…broke it for you…and your left with pieces…sharp pieces…that won’t fit into any puzzle…they just seem to grow more and more disorganized. In the beginning, we try to put it back together…but the more we try to glue it, the more we jumble it…and it just becomes a wet, sticky mess…that we cannot make any peace with it..or figure out any new paths to take.

The older I become…the more the puzzle makes sense. I can see where he saved my son and I from a horrible fate. I can see where the town, the man, the husband, the dad, the new family he gave me…gave me new life. I can see where I am now able to influence…and paths of those I meet…and the exciting adventures we go on.:.I see…I see, where it’s starting to make sense.

When I was 16…I believed in fairy tales…Prince Charming…coming to rescue me…and that’s not how it worked out…I had to rescue myself first…and then…everything started to change.

Fairy Tales do not exist…perfect men are not possible…and neither are perfect women.

Oh, if I could go back to 16….I would change relationships…I would get rid of the ones that were self serving…and hold onto the others…that were real and true. I would make amends to those that were sorry…and I would be more kind…less temperamental. I would pay attention in class more…ignore the administration that thought I was unworthy. I would not accept the lies from leaders telling me I was worthless…and ungodly. I would listen to all the rock music…wear the shorts, go to the movies, kiss my boyfriend…and go mixed swimming 🤦🏼‍♀️ I would go to more concerts and less time trying to please impossible people.

I would be friends with the people who are still close to me today…without making them wait ten years…to see if someone cooler comes along….but I can’t go back and change time…so for now…I do the things I wish I would have done years ago…I keep trying to make people…..

Smile….and laugh…and be inspired. I will rise to the challenge of Hospital clowning one day…I will be the best mother, wife, VP of our store, and best clown I can be. I will look past your exterior…and vow to be a person who judges by hearts ♥️.

May we all be better humans…and look at our fellowman as someone who we can make their lives better…instead of a waste of space…

The first time I heard his heartbeat…I was alone….and started to cry. There was life inside of me….and I had created something amazing.

I didn’t drink caffeine, take medicine for headaches…followed the rules…delivered my perfect baby boy…and kissed his sweet cheeks…and life was never ever the same.

I hated being away from him…cried at work when I had to go back and be away…worried about him…went without.

I learned what it was like to sleep by a sweet little soul that had thrown up all night…learned what it was like to worry about his fever…and know that I was responsible for remembering how long ago I gave him meds. It was up to me to take him to the doctor, pay those bills…make sure he was clean…make sure he was fed….and make sure he had clothes and shoes…he was real..:wasn’t a doll.

I remember paying for preschool and daycare…car seats and snacks…and hair and nails…were never so unimportant. I remember getting him Bubble bath…in his favorite Woody the Cowboy character…and then watching him scream to “get the bubbles off”. He was the reason I went to work, the reason I didn’t give up…the reason I existed.

I now have gone through more children…more responsibilities…and I can say that the task has not grown easier…we as women…carry a lot.

I used to look forward to the weekends…but now…I feel…it’s a trap. Lots more work…lots more mess…just at warp speed.::and everyone seems to be having an awesome time…but me…so…I felt a change was in order.

When I get up in the morning…it usually goes a lot like every other mother on the planet, and my sarcastic running commentary while I drink coffee from the amazing magic bean can be overheard to go something like this:

“Aahhh toilet paper…I remain the only superhero who is able to conquer you…aka change the roll on this difficult apparatus.”

” let me feed the animals…before they all completely die!”

” oh dishes in the sink…how I’ve missed you!”

“Towels on the floor…why yes of course…these hard to use knobs all over the bathroom, are extremely difficult to place the towel on….since their hands must all be broken!”

” clothes on the floor! My favorite !”

“Dirty clothes by the hamper? Why yes…this makes sense.”

We’ve all been there.::by the time my coffee is half gone…I’ve become a muttering woman shouting to myself that if I died tomorrow…it would take them years to figure out how to do it right!”

I used to conquer my morning routine this way….and by the time we started school…I was barking at everyone…dog included. If you we’re not picking up after yourself…you were part of the problem…so keep on moving!

The problem was…my house was clean and tidy…..and everyone was miserable.

My house is still clean and tidy…but everyone is no longer miserable.

I changed my perspective…I put new rules in place…I looked at my role differently..:and some this will make you mad…and others…will probably agree with me.

I believe my job is to make my home a soft place to land. It should be filled with clean laundry and happy pets. Warm candlelight and EO scents. It should have good food, and clean floors, it should make you smile with things you read and how you feel. It should be your hug from the world…your safe haven. It should be a place of cozy, a place of beauty, of familiarity, of joy. It should be a place you dream about when your away from it…a place of smells that bring you immediately to the greatest security of your childhood.

With three of my children out of the home…I find that memories is what brings them back. Pictures of their childhood, favorites dishes that I made…favorite blankets..:favorite smells. They should have favorite pillows and comfy beds that they miss. There should be security in familiarity…where the cereal is, shower stuff, laundry room to wash their clothes…all of those things that give you that comfort.

After I started realizing that this is what makes your children return…makes them want to take a break and find refuge at home…I tried to change some things…don’t get me wrong…once your kids move out…they shouldn’t return…but I’m talking about vacations, summer breaks…etc.

I then realized, it should be a place that my husband can come and relax in…and that means…making some adjustments. I haven’t done this perfectly…but I’ve made some attempts. Your husband should feel that he lives there. That your house is not a museum and we don’t touch or use anything. You should find a place for his things that you both agree on…he should feel that he lives there. He will not understand your throw pillow formation…or the perfect indentation at the top of the pillow…do not even attempt to explain it. Also, when he makes the bed and he puts your no less than seven throw pillows at a strange and foreign to you pattern…and the throw blanket in a way that could never really be how you leave it…do NOT move it…even if it kills you…just walk away. Same goes for when he folds the laundry…..enjoy the fact that he helped and move on..:because if you have to redo all he just did…then get ready to do it that way for the rest of your life….alone…and tired.

I am not saying become a doormat…your children should help and learn responsibilities….but we have kids now who have never eaten dinner at the table with their families??? This must change! We cannot be too busy that we can’t do that! They don’t know how to do Laundry at college…or wash dishes or iron clothes…so please do not misunderstand what I am saying…I want to create a wonderful atmosphere for my family…but they must understand how that comes about…

I guarantee…my life is a lot more busy than my mother’s life was…my demands are great…but so are the demands of your children and spouse…and as the mom…it is our duty to make our home a soft place for everyone to land…including ourselves…what makes you happy? What Brings you joy?

This week…I’ve decided to go through all my fragrances that I already have for soapmaking and see how many different kinds of soap I can make. I’m trying to get as far as possible on my gem study…so that I can be done before a new school year starts. I want to bake and cook more with my daughter…travel more…expand my clowning…but what do I have to do to make all those things happen??? Constant adjusting of schedules…saying no…or yes…to things we don’t normally do…taking a day off when we haven’t in months…feeling the tightening of our throats because we have so many decisions and things to do we can’t possibly do…all of these things…

Sometimes…becoming selfish…is what really makes us unselfish…and is able to fill our tanks…right now for me it’s soapmaking…and teaching clown class…and clowning…and doing silly things for kids in our community…and it’s how I fill up my selfish meter…it’s how I give back to myself…so I can love on those that I live with…what say you? What do you do???

What is Hygge? Well, honestly…I didn’t know either until I started reading the book about it.

Long story short…it’s about creating an atmosphere in your home…through light, presence, pleasure, equality, gratitude, harmony, comfort, truce, togetherness and shelter.

I have been on a long journey…and I feel that I still have so far to go. Around four years ago…I started “One Thousand Gifts” by Ann Voskamp…and it was life changing. I started focusing on a ministry that would bring joy and laughter to each person I came into contact with. I learned to make homemade soaps…creating a product that brings simplicity and beauty as an art form, in an everyday product. I started learning to cook more…inviting more into our home…creating an atmosphere of warmth, love, and good food…and hopefully fun.

Then, I listened to the “ugly” of the world…the negativity…the hateful jealousies….and I became someone I didn’t like.

Our pastor on Sunday…told us to pray for our enemies…pray for those that lie about us…and hurt us….and I could barely bring myself to say the names of those who have done so much to hurt me…for absolutely no reason but jealously.

The truth is, I don’t want to be a person that doesn’t laugh…doesn’t love…doesn’t share gifts…because of those that do evil.. I don’t want to be in a prison…because they put me there. Prison is not allowing yourself to let others love you…ask for help…and dare to let people realize…this really is who you are.

I teach clown classes at our local homeschool co-op. I honestly thought this would be a disaster…that I would have like two kids and they would just sit there and say how lame I am….but really, they have been a balm to my soul. There is nothing greater than laughter…nothing better than children telling you your important…and they they love your class…I have no idea why I needed to hear it so much…but every week for five weeks…this is what they have said to me…no matter the mistakes (they rarely pointed them out) no matter what…they just said each week how much they loved my class and our co-op…and I realized…encouraging words….and loving hearts…and a pure sense of love…is what children possess. It’s we as adults that ruin that for them….

Oh I’ve been beat up…I’ve had terrible things done to me…said about me…and the cabin in the woods…on a desolate mountain…where only the UPS driver and internet can find me…is not the life that God wants me to live….

I argued with God on Sunday…had a private conversation with my pastor in my head as well…telling both of them…I’ve been through enough…like…35 years man…what more can you all want?

Happiness doesn’t come from isolation…oh don’t get me wrong…we all need vacations…and time away. Massages and facials and special “spa” days…do help me become a better Mom…but I can’t do that everyday…that would make me spoiled…and ungrateful.

We as humans, are meant to be together. We are social beings…we NEED one another.

The beauty of homeschool co-op? Conversations with other homeschool moms…and our frustrations.

I find great encouragement from moms whose children are away at college…as moms find encouragement from me with three adult children. The good, the bad, and the ugly….all helpful.

Today, I invite you…come back out and try again…say no to those that hurt you…and know that not all humans are horrible humans.

I tell myself…I will be hurt again…but God will have to fight for me…because I am no good by myself…and it took a small class of the sweetest little clowns…to give me the courage to try once again…

Don’t let the mean girls win…the good girls need you…join me!

Today is Woman’s Day…or whatever that means? Is there a Man Day? The whole thing seems weird…but nevertheless…I am a woman hear me roar!😬

Today and everyday…I feel like I’m getting smaller…my voice is being drowned out…and I’m not sure anyone can hear me…or anyone else for that matter.

There are actually classes on how to grow your Instagram…and even though for my business, I follow this advice…for just my amusement and decorating Instagram…I will always remain almost laughably small. I don’t have a huge following…and I probably never will. There are people with over 100,000 followers…I can’t even imagine…I get annoyed at texts I receive from people I know…much less total strangers.

My blog has a few followers, my Twitter account…I haven’t even checked my Snapchat…and my Pinterest has followers and I have no idea why…and I think most of us have the exact same problem.

It doesn’t matter if a ton of people read my blog…get inspired by my posts, ever get to experience clowning around with me…or witness me in action…it only matters to those that God has put right in front of me.

Did I bless strangers that came into my store for the first time? Did I bless the workers and people at the charities I attend? Did I bless my family? My employees? When I walk into a room, do people groan…or do they smile?

We as women are powerful and amazing. Many of us juggle things that to outsiders seem impossible. Many of us have had life run us over and then back the truck up and run back over us. Many of us have sacrificed so much, to have our children throw it back in our faces and blame us for all that has gone wrong in our lives.

Many of us cook dinner each night…with no thank you’s…no…it’s good…nothing. We clean the house, pay the bills…do the shopping, make sure the animals that live in our houses don’t die…figure out if the kids shoes even fit…our lists are endless.

Then on top of all that…we surround ourselves with social media where everyone has perfect this…and a pantry as big as my bedroom….they even walk around their mansions showing us their messy houses…telling us how imperfect they are…and I’m like.::oh dear…can you imagine all the nasty messages they just get to make them think they need to show us that? We are so ridiculously hard on one another.

I have a blue sink in my house…I didn’t choose it:.: I don’t like it…but I used to feel the need to tell everyone coming into my house about that spare bath sink??? Why??? I plan on replacing it…but haven’t seen anything that I love yet.

The point is…what do the people in your house think of you?

What makes you the happiest?

How about we all quit trying to be amazing to the whole world…and just ❤️ on our family…our community…those we work with…

What would that feel like?