Author: jme71te

I’ve decided to have a couple of blog posts based on questions that I have been asked about after my blog post last week on being a step Mom.

I first of all, want to make it clear…that I’m a very slow learner…but there are some things that we learned that we wished we would have known earlier.

We had very young children going into this..we had a 3 yr old, a 7 yr old and a 9 yr old. We were dealing with a Mom, Dad, stepmom and stepdad, and stepbrothers on two sides…it was crazy!!!

The most important lesson I can tell you is…when you find yourself about to lose your mind about the socks…it’s normally not just about the socks….but we turn it into that…because that’s all we can control.

Our schedule was insane and frankly, I don’t know why the judge ever agreed to it. The girls were with us every Monday night…but had to be back at their Moms by 9 pm every OTHER Monday night. The girls were with us every Thursday night. They were with us every OTHER Friday night…but had to be at their Mothers house by 10. They were with us every OTHER Saturday night (we got them at 4, and then they had to be back at their Mothers by 6 or 8??? I really can’t remember that one for sure…so it was nuts for sure.

So, there was no way for clothes to just be left at our house. We tried sending a laundry bag, where the girls would just put their dirty clothes from our house into the bag…but their mother wouldn’t allow that. I had dress shoes at our house and they were not allowed to go to their mothers because we never got them back…sometimes my husband would let them take them…and as they got older they would sometimes remember to bring them back. Nice dresses were not allowed out of our house whenever possible. When the girls were old enough we just reminded them to get them back to our house without any washing.

Winter coats were lost at their mothers every year. I finally just bought them on sale the previous winter and would size up. Socks were another big issue…I finally just started buying a new sock each month. The girls needed socks and yelling about it wasn’t helpful…but I promise you…I did yell about it.

In looking back at it…I just became a smart shopper.::buying things on clearance as much as possible…because I knew it would be lost or shrunk…and honestly when the girls got older we gave them a clothing allowance. This would cover their clothes and shoes and undergarments. Since they knew how much everything was…they would start bringing their laundry to my house to be washed…as they started driving..they would get ready at our house…and a lot of these issues went away by themselves.

Now as adults they have their own houses…and for Christmas each year, they still get socks and underwear in their stockings and probably will until the end of time.

I know dear stepmom, that this feels endless. That this feels as if it will never end…and this Thorn in the flesh will never subside…but it will. It really will.

The arguments about socks and underwear and ruined dresses and lost coats..arguments about child support AND now having to buy these things again….I promise you, I’ve had them. In the end…you may be soo right…but the children still need a warm coat and they still need socks and underwear…and we still need responsible parents.

Don’t stand there in front of your stepchildren and say things about their birth parent to them that is unfavorable. If you want to scream to your husband that you just bought socks two weeks ago and they are all gone…well I don’t recommend it…but it’s better than yelling at the children.

Let your husband have the conversation with the other parent…stay out of it , no matter what. Getting involved will not help your husband…and after he gets off the phone with the other parent…it’s best for you to not ask questions…not engage…not nag for him to hear yet again…leave….it….alone. If you have to…go for a run…or whatever…but remember it is never just about the socks.

Have a great day! Remember, I’m pulling for ya!

The last three years have been difficult for our family….and here lately….the tide seems to be turning.

My son was just given a job for next year at his university, that will completely pay for his room and board. It was definitely a huge answer to prayer.

What struck me as odd…or perhaps…suprising…was my shock, that something good really was happening.

I think that many of us get so bogged down with life…so many bad things happen on a daily basis,  that when something good happens we doubt we deserve it. There are days that I just know if they were filming my life, that people would just be in shock that what was happening, was really happening.  If your like me…I just stuff it.  I just keep stuffing it, hoping that indeed someday things will change.

If right now…you were given the opportunity to do what would make you the happiest what would it be? For me…it would be less busy….time to do what I do do, well…and accomplish the goals I have set before me.  Sometimes, we feel guilty, because our kids aren’t involved in several activities…and if we are home at night..it feels strange…like we haven’t earned our way in the world for the day.

There are always busy times of life.  During major holidays, I am very busy at our store.  During the spring and summer my daughter has activities that she’s involved with that take us away from our home each and every day….but those activities are six weeks…and then we are done.

For the new year….I’ve increased what I did the year previous….we can always say…I’m gonna do less…not commit to as much…show more discipline with shopping…all these things are GREAT things…but if we don’t have a plan…we often go right back to where we were.

I now shop and pickup my groceries, my Target, and of course Amazon orders.  I got rid of credit cards that I barely shop at…(none of them carry a balance, but I just used them for the extra points). I visit a few select stores…and that is it. I make out my schedule for clowning….and if one month has holidays in it…then I will make the next month with less activity since normally I probably clowned quite a bit for the holiday.

This semester for my daughter for classes, we did ONE coop, and the other group we belong to, we did ONE class…opting for an online class that she is absolutely enjoying.

I have cleared just about as much as I can clear from surfaces….and have allowed puzzles to be worked on for days…out in the open….and painting classes to have a permanent home in my dining room.

I have days where certain cleaning chores are done..clearing up valuable time for study for a class that I want to have done by summer. I have started doing yoga…something that I’m striving so hard to make a routine….and drinking more water.

I truly want to make our home someplace that is comfortable…not museum worthy…but not a pit either….because I can’t function in filth at all! I can’t function in mess!

I’ve taken to make places that I do a lot of work in as cute as possible.

I purchase things that I love…not just a good deal. I’ve become pickier with what comes into my house.

I drop off stuff each month at the thrift store…clothes my daughter outgrows, stuff we aren’t using…it’s amazing what we can accumulate so quickly.

I shop at Grove Collaborative for cleaning supplies which has given me unique ideas on how to save water and use products that are better for our family.

I have taken a space that we didn’t use much and completely purged it and made it my office/guest room and I am loving it!

Most of these projects didn’t cost much or if anything….it was just basically looking at the spaces and seeing how they could better be used. Getting rid of the extra and bringing in what I really wanted…instead of what cost less…and in the end…I found out what makes me happy…especially in the winter…is plants…and lots of them!

Enjoy friends…whatever you need to do to make your way this winter seem brighter!!! The sun will shine…dreams do come true…prayers do get answered!!!

Lately, I’ve had a few people ask me advice about being a stepmom. First of all, may I say…I’m probably a good candidate for what NOT to do. Second, may I say that as a new stepmom…you should accept zero advice from those who have NEVER been one. This is a whole new ballgame…this is something that you have to live it to speak it…and no one can speak it besides those who have done it.

Now, let’s first get one thing out of the way…I am a stepmom by no fault of my own…my husband was a single dad by no fault of his own….so those that tell you divorce is wrong and shouldn’t be done…everyone who has had a divorce, or been the victim of one…understands this…believes this. If you want to throw stones at divorced people, or whatever you would like to do…this is not the blog post to do it at!!!

I married my husband when I was 29 years old. I had just buried a husband the year previous who I had been separated from, for over two years. I brought a getting ready to turn three year old boy to the mix…who was trying to figure out what the heck had just happened. My husband had been divorced for five years when we married and brought two girls 9 and 7 into the mix…and they were trying to figure out how I fit into this game that we all seemed to be forced in.

Here’s what NOT to do:

1. Move into a house that either spouse lived in…and merge your household together.

This just has bad idea written all over it. I came i to my husbands house…and since it was a bachelor pad…I came in with paint, and furniture from my house…while his went to the basement or was sold. The house the girls had lived in with him all this time, that they had helped decorate…I basically said…it’s not good enough and I’m changing everything!!!

2. We did home improvements in this house the first month of marriage.

We were turning a two bedroom house into a three bedroom house…with our master bed and bath being downstairs and nice and spacious….sounds like a great idea??? Oh, except the job was behind…and for the first month as a married couple…I’m sleeping in a bunk bed 😬😬😬😬.

3. I corrected the girls…

Bad Bad Bad Bad idea. The Dad should be in charge of discipline NOT the stepmom. I don’t care if the child is screaming at you…let the dad deal with it…not you. Don’t correct chores done badly, clothing, hair or makeup, cell phone…not finishing dinner. Room a mess…nothing. Don’t point it out to your husband…don’t wait for him to get home and have a list of things his children did that upset you…or was disrespectful….nothing…absolutely nothing. He will feel that he’s choosing between you and his daughters….and you don’t want him to ever feel that way.

4. Tell your birth child how your husbands children are disrespectful.

Talk about taking sides…It is difficult that the child that lives at the home full time has a different set of rules than the one that goes back and forth…but consistency is key. It’s hard to do because in our family, the visitation schedule was strange and sleepovers with friends couldn’t happen because of the time with one another was small..so synchronizing everyone’s schedule was difficult. Most important, if you want a family to blend, creating sides is the worst way to do it.

All the kids were invited to parties…and it was hard to get that coordinated and still let the parent have the time they were supposed to have…and normally…my husband was the one that lost.

5. Holidays—

Holidays just stink….some years you get lucky….and some years are just difficult.

Don’t ask your children what they got at the other house…don’t ask what they ate or details of who was there. If there was a boyfriend or girlfriend there. Don’t ask them why they are late. Or that “dinner was warm but now it’s not”…all because…of something they couldn’t control. We make the child or children feel that neither place is safe…everyone’s mad no matter what they do. They can’t win…they lose no matter what they do. Can you even imagine?

6. Vacations

Oh these were fun…getting to agree on when and how long…who would go first. Getting mad if you were late returning the kids (even though there were flight delays or accidents on the highway) making your joyous vacation a rush to get back when you said you would. I’m so glad those days are behind us and they are all grown. We now announce the vacation when it is and where and they come if they can or want to.

7. Birthdays

One year one of my stepdaughters had four birthday parties😱. I mean, there could be worse things right??? Seriously though…birthdays are hard…and due to their mother, we had to be very creative. She insisted she have the birthday parties for friends…and my husband got very creative…and I was so super supportive 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️ (oh if only)

So what we did was invent the Fall Party. Where they invited their friends over and we dressed up…had great food and it was a time that they looked forward to each and every year. It also marks the time in my life where my youngest stepdaughter caused a change in me that was beyond life changing. I was known to be super stuffy, never dressing up…and I told them they could choose what I dressed up as…and the rest is history…they chose….

And I’ve never looked back since.

8. Socks and shoes and coats

Oh, if only I had money back for all the socks and shoes and coats that went missing. I finally just bought coats every winter on clearance for the following year…and bought socks every month. I never allowed dress shoes to go to their mothers, because we never would get them back….but it was so hard…beautiful dresses would return to me in ruins….and I had two choices…and I bet you can’t guess what I chose can you!!!!??? Stepmother….oh my gosh it’s irritating….but clothes can be replaced….but not their feelings…it’s not about the socks…or the coats…or the stupid shoes…and yes…you pay child support…but someday when they leave home…this will be the one thing that you ALL laugh about it….and it really is…we STILL to this day…laugh about it. Because there is someone somewhere with lots of socks and coats galore!!!!

My stepdaughters are grown…they come as they please. Holidays are still difficult as they are wanted in two different places. We try to make an effort to be easy going and let what happens happen…to be flexible..:easygoing…and learn how to warm food back up. My biggest prayer for myself in the past year…is to make them feel as comfortable as possible. To make my husband feel that he doesn’t have to choose.

Oh stepmom, my hardest moment was when my eldest stepdaughter crossed the stage with the highest honors at her college graduation. I was taping it so I could hear them announce her name with the honor, I had the huge lens taking her picture as she crossed the stage…and crying as she did…because I had watched her grow up from a nine year old to now and adult…and how hard she worked…and after…I took pictures of her with her Mom and Dad…and waited to be invited in…and it was so so hard…but the moment belonged to her parents. It belonged to the three of them…and that’s the hard part of being a step mom. You do a lot of work…you worry, you pray….but you will never receive the glory…ever. You have to be ok with that…you have to have people that you can scream that to (not your husband) he already had to deal with enough crazy. I have two people that I confide in…and sometimes scream my annoyances at…and they are great listeners…and you need that…but they hardly ever give advice…because they have never been in that situation. They simply just listen.

As a stepmother, you have a huge opportunity to be an amazing example…of either a nagging mean witch….or someone that promotes unity and peace and calm in a home that has already weathered the worst storm that a family can….divorce.

Oh ladies…learn from me….and realize…the only ones that can offer advice are the ones who have been there…New game, new rules…you can do it!!!

Go get it done!

I was listening to a podcast the other day…the lady on there was in shock she was turning fifty this year. I kind of giggled at her, until I realized that I was going to be….45….how…..in…..the world did that happen?

To make this even better..I would like you to imagine (like me) that you are the youngest, the baby of the family if you will…so I also…get to hear “I can’t believe my baby is 45! This means I’m ancient!” Or my four sisters telling me that I can’t possibly be that old…like I made it up or something? Or forgot how to count!! Yes!!! I really am that ancient…the rest of you are about to die!!! No, I don’t really say that of course 😬.

I guess the hardest part about my age is where I thought I would be. In my heart I feel young…but there are days…that even when I HEAR a baby cry…I just want to sit down and take a nap.

I’m in better shape than my 30s (considering I had a baby then doesn’t really set the bar high) I thought I would be thinner (with all my dove chocolates I can’t imagine why that isn’t a reality). I thought I would be taller…seriously…I appear to be shrinking. I thought there would be less neck wrinkles (I thought that was in your 60s). I definitely see the importance of an amazing hairstylist….and one that isn’t afraid to tell you your eyebrows need “serious help” this week.

I thought there would be more sitting….and more travel….but I’m happy to say that there seems to be more and more.

I also thought there would be less plants…in a year…I’ve accumulated more than 10…I’m not sure what that says…but I kept saying “I’m turning into my mother.” Over and over again.

I didn’t think that I would have this much coffee….I now understand all those cups my Dad would have every day…makes perfect sense now. Also…after raising three teens…I understand the smoking…I haven’t done that yet…but alcohol…might be a safer bet.

I definitely thought there would be less hamsters and guinea pigs…the dog isn’t surprising but the piggies for sure are.

I didn’t think I would be Calling my children to look at sunsets and deer running across our lawn.::so glad that she’s not at the age where she says “mmhmm” and then runs away.

I also thought I would be more of a serious shopper. Now I’ve become a pick up groceries, pick up Target, Amazon warrior and drive thru Starbucks kind of girl. The once social butterfly…has become a hermit…who secretly can’t wait to put on flannel pants and drink some coffee. I thought that when I traveled I would want to go into all the shops…but no….restaurants are my thing…and when is dessert, is my song! Who even am I?

I’ve reached the age where I no longer care what you think of me…and yes young man, on your trip back from Tucson to KC in February…I will ask you where your pants are because that’s what your mother would have asked you…so where are they and they better be in your bag!!!! (I really did do that…but it was five degrees and he was wearing shorts and he was like 20…and I knew his Mom would want me to!) what if our plane broke down? What then!

I definitely thought there would be no clowning….because….why….why is there so much clowning…but you don’t get to pick what your chosen to do…that’s just what happens!

I’ve been married twice….mother twice…a stepmother twice…and all the other experiences of life…once….we are all given a time.::and however long or short or ancient it is…live your best life.

Eat the chocolates, go visit the places, drink the coffee, show your kids the world, be kind to everyone…even the meanies….and above all else…tell the truth…don’t spread lies…and be the one that everyone says “I never heard them speak an ill word about anyone!” Wouldn’t that be amazing!

After the age of 12, I really thought that these days were behind me.  I find however, that they seem to be just a way of life…never ending….never trusting….and social media just makes us even nastier.

I was 12…and I was kicked out of the popular table at school….I can’t really remember why…probably I was obnoxious (which I’m sure there was some truth to that). I really wasn’t traumatized by it….and I’m still acquainted with all of those involved, because lets be honest….when we are 12….ALL of us are obnoxious.  Nevertheless, I do recall this…and  remember it to be quite embarrassing….and I do remember crying about it..(for just a little bit though).

I went to a private school, that was above all rules that you can even being to imagine….I laugh at my kids that think they have it so hard…they have NOOOOO idea of a ridiculous dress code or rules….until they realize that pretty much I wasn’t able to do anything that they do on a daily basis…no movies, no dancing, no knees showing, no music with a drum, or an electric guitar.  Rock music was of the devil and shoulders and knees were the fire that led us there….and movies….automatic dismissal if you ever got caught going to one.  So, clearly, not fitting in at this school, wasn’t the end of the world…since clearly….it was like a foreign country every day…and fitting in was something I didn’t ever want to do.

The fun didn’t end at just the private school….I was also forced to attend a private university….which actually….was very good for me.  It was far away from home…and the administration at this university didn’t hate me.  It really was a good experience for me…but certainly….not something that I want for either of my children.  The rules have relaxed much more now….but a little to late for me personally.

To say I have scars, would probably be an understatement.

I will say this to you reading this….my childhood was brought up in extreme…I say again….EXTREME legalism and fundamentalism.  I learned as a young adult…that this does NOT please God.  God is loving, full of grace and truth.  He is not interested in how long your skirts are, and if there is a electric guitar being played in your church.  He’s only interested in your heart…and how you feel about Him. He is the only reason that I have NOT lost my mind.

I can recall the many many times I was called to the principals office.  Called in because I was causing a disturbance during multiple classes (I talked a lot, had a great sense of humor that I lacked the discipline of being able to understand when is the time to keep it to myself.) My friends around me that were laughing, sometimes got into trouble….sometimes not.

Normally, I sat and talked with the principals wife…she would give me a stern talking to…and then back to class I went.  Other times, I would be called in, because they wanted to know whose “Sassy” magazine this was….I wasn’t allowed to have those magazines…and even though I knew that it was my best friends….I had no intention of telling on her. Later I found out, that I was given “fake friends” friends that I thought really cared about me….but later was told to me (by one of the fake friends) that they were “assigned” to me….to keep watch over me.  When they realized there wasn’t anything to report…and I was actually a good clean kid…that they actually liked…they decided to stay and be my friend.(wasn’t that nice of them). 🙂

I was given demerits for talking, chewing gum, being a distraction, disrespectful (I rolled my eyes). Asked them questions….ya know….horribly disappointing.  I didn’t have any boyfriends really (a few short disasters) but they still thought I was kissing every boy in sight…because I didn’t fit into their perfect mold.  I asked questions, (which meant bad attitude in their book). Even though I lived in a bigger house than most, I still wasn’t accepted, wasn’t good enough….ever.

I wish I could go back to the 12 year old girl….and tell her that she mattered.  I wish I could go back to her and tell her of her great qualities…and how that it didn’t matter what some of these people said.  I wish I could go back and encourage her to grab on to those teachers that saw her worth and hold on with all that she could.  Hold on to that teacher who gave you your love of writing.  Hold on to the teacher that encouraged you to sing.  Cling to the teacher that knew you were a talented piano player, and had a great voice for choir.  Hold on to the teacher that encouraged you in journalism and yearbook…and cheerleading….hold on with everything that you have.

I held on (not because of them…but because God had a perfect plan for me.) I knew many and know many..that couldn’t handle it…and have had great difficulty getting “over it” which is what so many have told us to do.  Just GET OVER IT! Well, lots of therapy….and I’m not OVER it…but I am past it…lets just say that.

Then, at my perfect college, where dreams float on roses…I met the love of my life.  He was a seminary student.  He wanted to be a youth pastor…and we fell MADLY in love.  I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to have him in my life.  We could talk for hours…he was my ROCK! Then, after I gave birth to our perfect son two years after we were married….my husband left me…high and dry….and I learned about mean girls once again.  Mean girls that saw my husband as a great opportunity….and did whatever they could to make me look bad…to paint me in the worst light…my highest crime being….I gave birth…and then went to work to support us.  I learned about mean girls at church….they would cling to their husbands (because since I couldn’t keep mine, I was surely coming for theirs).  I learned about mean girls at my husbands funeral (the girls that had caused our breakup of a marriage came to the funeral acting as if I was the one that shouldn’t be there) I learned about mean girls as they stood up at his memorial service declaring their love for him. I watched the pastors as they let them speak….and kept an eye on me (like I was going to get all “gangsta” up in here..(I don’t even know what that means)). I learned about mean girls who left red roses on his graveside….

I learned more about mean girls when I got remarried…and I just didn’t measure up. More so, when I had a successful business, a husband that loved me, and children that I adored. I learned about mean girls when I became heavily involved in church groups and bible studies….and learned quickly…that things don’t have to be true for people to believe it…it only matters the importance of the person telling the tale.

I have learned that the church is the scariest place for me….its where the mean girls live. Its where they like to smile at you….and sing on the stage….but they like to stab you in the back….tell whatever stories that they can…and everyone listens….because…of who they are.

Our churches are breaking down and being destroyed by women who are mean….who read the Bible and speak the words…but in their hearts they only desire to destroy….destroy anyone that seems to be more successful or more likable than them…it knows no bounds….it knows no denominations…it knows no end.

I attend a beautiful church, with a wonderful music program…and my daughter enjoys the childrens program….and that’s…..thats where I get off….I’m done riding the ride of “I will be your friend, and you can share your burdens…” because I know how that ride ends….it ends with me…being in pain..and people thinking things that are untrue about me….and frankly….I’m over it. Please know this…NO ONE in the new church that I belong to has ever hurt me….and I promise you….they never will….because the LAST place on the planet you will EVER find me…is a Ladies Bible Study, or Prayer group….or ministry of some sort.  Its not that they deserve this attitude….its that I refuse to do this again….its been forty four years….and I want to spend the next forty or fifty years…with absolutely NO MORE stabbing in the back. I’m completely done. Completely….done.

If you enjoy spreading gossip about people….can I just ask you why? Why does it bring you pleasure to cause others such great pain? Why do you find it so important to make yourself look so good that your only happy if your stomping on someone else? Why is it so important for you to be the one and only? Does the lying ever bother you? What’s it like to kill someones reputation that they have worked hard to obtain…just so you can feel better about yourself?

I am a clown….I enjoy it…it keeps me sane…and I like to go and visit the unfortunate and the lonely.  I am a business owner, and I have employees I care about.  I care about my customers…and I care about my community….and try to find as many ways as possible to make my community know how much I care about them.

I would love to be able to belong to a big group…where I felt safe to share my prayer requests, my hopes, my annoyances, my joys, my sorrows, my fears…but in my circle…that doesn’t exist…or perhaps it does, but I have just given up on trying to find those that do.

I write this, not in hopes of people saying to me…come join our tribe (because frankly, unless I’ve grown up with you….or you are one of the people I confide in now) that ship has sailed….and I’m really ok with it…but I just ask…when is it ever going to end? When are we that say Jesus name…going to start acting as He asked us to? When?

Right now, everywhere I go…I hear people saying what their word is for the year…I hear people saying how they are going to organize…and truly change things this year….and this is when I actually get a bit discouraged.  I really…feel that the year was too short…and I didn’t get to accomplish all that I wanted to do.

The accomplishments for this past year are many…my son graduated from high school, he was accepted to the university he is attending now, he made Eagle Scout, and he seems to be doing quite well.  For my husband and I, our store was able to accomplish some titles we wanted…I received some recognition I was shocked to receive, and we were able to travel and see some things we wanted to see.

Around my house I was able to continue with purging…use two more spaces much more effectively, and be able to get rid of more and more things that were not bringing me joy. I was also able to accomplish some house projects that we had been wanting to accomplish.

However, the main theme that keeps haunting me…daily…are the words…peace…and quiet.

Every year, I tell myself that this is the year…that I will be intentional…but every year we fill it with things that are all good things….but do they really bring me joy? What am I to accomplish with my life? What is good for my family? So….here are some things that I decided to do to change that.

1. Say yes to things that only bring joy…not stress.  So for me this semester, it means: be a part of ONE coop, and take just one class for the other. Take an art class from home, so my daughter can continue what she loves, all for the joy of what she wants.
2. Do things that bring ME joy: yoga–taking the time to do this….de-stresses me, but when I do it….OH, I feel so good. Deep Tissue Massage—I need this every other week…it keeps me feeling good, relaxes me.
3. What feeds my soul? Clowning….clowning feeds my soul.  Be mindful of where to clown out…do those places bring me joy…do they fill that burning that my heart desires.
4. What makes me proud of who I am? Continuing classes that help me learn the business that I help my husband in, in turn, this helps him as well.  Instead of sitting there…I am able to be a beneficial partner to him, helping him make decisions, based on knowledge that I didn’t previously have.
5. Do activities that my child loves-horseriding lessons and swimming and violin. I was tired of running everywhere for activities that my children were not having the most fun at…or learning much from.
6. Clear my errands- there are so many things that can help with this.  Grocery pickup. Target Pickup, Library pickup, order by mail….I try to hardly EVER go into a store anymore….I can run my errands in 20 minutes as opposed to two hours. BONUS? I save so much more money.
7. NEW GOAL-trying to stay off my phone completely every night from 6-9….haven’t accomplished it yet…but trying to desperately.
8. Trying to eat healthier.  No desserts except on the weekend.  More fish, less red meat…trying to get rid of sugar….little by little.
9. Buy less so that I can save more….and put that money into savings for a out of the country vacation we would like to take.
10. The biggest change I want to make this year: Clowning with a purpose….doing it to the best of my ability…making a difference while doing it…being a light in a dark and sad situation.

I want to be more intentional this year than last….but my goals haven’t changed.  I think that is the problem with goal setting….we set this high goal…and then don’t really give ourselves time to accomplish it….we can accomplish so much…if we set small goals.

For me:

1. I want to do yoga four times a week
2. I want to do two to four clowning opportunities a month
3. I want to bring less and less into my home each month
4. I want to use our funds for things we truly love and need
5. I want to be the best clown I can possibly be.  I want kids to realize what being a good clown really looks like and how scary clowns are just stupid.
6. I want to finish my GIA class by summer.
7. I want to get rid of a lot of sugar in my diet.
8. I want to enjoy homeschooling with my daughter and really slow down the activities so we can enjoy our time together more.

Those are a few of my goals….and I look forward to accomplishing them…what are your goals? What stresses you out about making goals? Do you set goals?

Have a great year!

Before Christmas, I decided to do a big room transformation, on a tiny budget. I decided to give my 11 year old the room on the other side of the house, that once was our school room. Now that she is getting ready for 6th grade…it really wasn’t that important to have that big of a room dedicated to school.

So here is the room in how we started!!

There was nothing wrong with the room…it just wasn’t being used to it’s potential.

So I repainted a bed given to us from grandma, a dresser from grandma, a bookshelf, and a armoire and repainted everything.

I took an old mirror and taped wallpaper in it. I also ordered pictures from Shutterfly of her riding lessons. I had prints from Etsy that I have had for a long time.

I ordered duvet cover from amazon and pillows….

My mom had painted this picture of me when I was 12 with my own horse.

I framed some more pictures of Ellie during her riding lessons and an old poster that I found at an antique mall.

She absolutely loves it!!!

I also did a chalkboard wall.

I am not sure if there is a post that makes people more upset than the idea of your child having a cell phone and what age that they should have one.

I offer my opinion, and only MY opinion.  I try to listen to people that are older than me and have been through things with their kids and learn from them.  I offer you what I have learned…and what things that I have put into place for my own children.

First of all, my daughter is 11 and she is homeschooled.  She is either with me, at my store, or my parents house….she is occasionally with friends of mine (and I have their cell phone numbers). She is very rarely home by herself…but I have a backup plan in how she can reach me in that situation.

I personally, would love to be able to disconnect my Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc.  However, I own a business….and to delete your social media…is a great way to end your business.  I also keep in contact with my friends (every single one of them live far away from me).

I am starting for the new year, to be able to completely turn my phone off from 6-9 every evening…and checking it before bed (because I do have employees that have problems sometimes, and they need to tell me what is going on. I also have aging parents, and three adult children.)

When we first came on the scene of cell phones, our eldest at the time was 12 or 14.  The phones then offered texting and calling…social media wasn’t really a issue.  She also was the type of child who really didn’t care about social media (at 24 she still doesn’t).  She is very smart, goes to Penn and is working on her PhD.  She clearly doesn’t see the importance of it…and we have always been fine with that.

Our other two children (now adults) have struggled with social media….and I that is why I am changing things for our fourth child.

For all of you that think I just wasn’t vigilant enough…here is a list of what I did….

1. There was a curfew on phones…and they were all to be left in the charging station in my kitchen.
2. I had tracking devices on phones
3. I had software to show which phones had had different programs put on them
4. I took phones away when there was activity on it we didn’t like.
5. I checked messages and they knew it.
6. I had friends who would check their social media.

Here’s the truth: you really have NO way of tracking, checking, knowing it all….at all.

You canNOT protect your children enough….they will go to sites they shouldn’t, they will send texts they shouldn’t….they will do things they are ashamed of…and you will question your parenting.

Now, my kids are adults….I’ve explained the dangers of not getting a job because of what they post on social media…and its up to them for what they do from now on. Now that they are busy into college and jobs…they don’t have the time that they once had for social media….and for that I am grateful.

When we go to dinner with my 11 year old…she draws…that’s her favorite thing to do.  She reads and draws…and yes….her parents have their phones out because they own a business and that’s what we have to do to continue with our business.

My daughter is homeschooled, she has a google chrome….I monitor it, she does school on it.  She does not have her email….she can text her friends at any time with my phone….oh they have begged to even BUY her one…so they can text her.  However, on this I am not wavering.

My son had a cell phone at age 12 because he had basketball practice and scouts, and I could text him and say…”I’m waiting in the van for you.” and I had a baby in the van…and he would come out.  He also didn’t have any internet on that phone…you can’t even buy those anymore.

My daughter does violin, horse riding lessons and swim team (I am with her at all those practices).  She also has coop classes (which I am also with her).

If we lived in the city, and she traveled alone each day on a bus (that would be different)…if she went to a traditional school (that would be different).  If she was at the age of driving (she would have a cell phone.)

However, at the age of 11….I will protect my child’s innocence as long as I can….because I have seen what the internet can do….and just because you haven’t or don’t believe your child could ever….ever….ever…be involved in that….well….take care my friend…because those that don’t think it will ever happen….normally are the same ones sitting there wondering how it did.

Give your kid a book, an art book…a game…a conversation….books on tape…a friend over to jump on the trampoline…baking lessons, embroidery, sewing…swimming, animals….anything….embrace child hood….because soon enough….they will be adults…and manage a million little things…and be on their phones…just like you and me.

I recently read an article…patents complaining because some parents are able to give their children more for Christmas then others…and how that they have had to explain to kids why Santa gives their friends IPads, and they get stuffed animals.

I really can’t explain my outrage….it just really infuriated me.

I grew up in the 80’s. I went to a private school. I lived in a nice house. My father worked in a factory seven days a week so that we could live in our nice house and go to our private school. I had friends who were wealthy and friends who were like me. I learned early that they got all the Cabbage Patch Kids in the world and I saved up for a whole summer to buy just one. I learned that they got jewelry and whatever else and I got my Barbie McDonalds….and you know what??? I was ok with that.

I as an adult see the money that people spend on Christmas for their kids….and I can’t believe it…but guess what? I don’t pay their bills…so what they need to do with their money is not my problem.

Recently, I had this discussion with my son. He goes to a very prominent university where kids his age drive Mercedes and Lexus and brand new Jeeps. He drives a Kia…and doesn’t have a Gucci belt or a Gucci bag. May I remind you all, I don’t either and probably (unless I find it in a thrift store for $3.99, won’t ever have one). He wondered why we always help so many people in our community, but rarely go on elaborate trips…may I say that we travel rather frequently….I have taken all of them to Hawaii, we have gone to Colorado a couple of times and recently NYC and spent a lot of time in Philadelphia. I am currently saving for us to go to Europe…our eldest has traveled quite a lot and we hope for our son to have the same experiences.

As I sat there and listened to him talk…I realized he was blinded by the glitz and sparkle of what others have. It happens at the age of 19….heck, it happens at the age of 44.

So here is the reply I gave to my son…

“Learn to live lean, learn to look in the mirror and like who your looking at. Be proud of who you are…it is not what you own, but your character that matters. Look at the world and go out and grab what you want by your own two hands.”

Until we teach our children that the world owes them nothing….we will have a nation of entitled young people that won’t work, because they feel they don’t need to. They won’t follow rules, because they don’t feel they should. They won’t show up for work, because they are tired and don’t care they can’t pay bills. They will be upset because others live in bigger houses, instead of realizing, if you want a bigger house…work for it. If you want to go to college or trade school, work to attain it. This world owes you nothing….go and work for what you want. Achieving this, is hard hard work…but your goal can be achieved.

I am tired of hiring employees who just want a paycheck and don’t want to work for it. They have no desire to learn more…no desire to be proactive….they just want me to throw a party because they actually came to work.

I am not alone…this is a huge problem that many employers are facing. This is not just a problem with our young people…this extends to many.

So…if your complaining that people are telling their kids that bigger toys come from Santa then what you can afford to buy your own children…then you just might want to re-evaluate some things….the first lesson you should realize is this: Life….is……NOT…..fair.

So…my son is learning this lesson…and in three years I’m looking forward to seeing him graduate…and if I did my job well…he will have learned to grab the world by his own two hard working hands…and get what he wants out of life….without the Gucci belt.

Have a great one peeps!!!

I think all of us, if we are honest…need a little applause in life.

We need someone to say good job, way to go…and sometimes…we get it…but many times we don’t.

I like to think that I don’t need applause…that I’m perfectly content to do nice things for people in secret….that just knowing I’ve blessed people is enough. I confess…that sometimes I am able to accomplish this with great ease…but there are other wounds…that have dug such a deep hole in my heart that I am not sure I ever will recover.

Jesus promises to heal all wounds. He promises that all lies will be revealed, and the truth will be told…but He doesn’t promise this on this earth.

What do you do…when you have sacrificed, given money, given time, sweat, blood and tears…and your shown gratitude by those that lie about you…and then it’s even covered up deeper by people telling you that they don’t want to discus it…they don’t want to hear truth…only lies. That they want to follow those who have wronged you smiling and happy all the way…while you, who have done nothing wrong…except give up so many things to make a difference…and your reward? Your reward is people get to lie and talk about you in a deceitful manner.

What makes this lie even more unbearable? These are people who claim to love Jesus…that claim to read His scriptures…what do you do when that happens???

Well…you pray…and you pray and you pray. I believe this is the cross that God has asked my family to bear….and it will probably not end until I leave this world.

My children who have watched my husband and I struggle and serve…now want nothing to do with my Jesus because of those who spoil His name.

May I say to you….Jesus does not call them by name…He loathes what they do…and someday…the truth will be revealed. Someday, the lies will be exposed…someday He will judge.

What will happen if I store hatred in my heart like I feel right now? What will happen if I continue to let the hurt fester, the hole go deeper, the pain spread into hatred??? I and those closest to me will be the ones to feel it…not those that have caused pain…but those that walk beside me daily…

I could write books of all the wrongs and ultimate crap that has fallen on me from the wrongs of other people. There are days…I feel the light going out of me…the “can do” spirit…not so caring anymore…and I desperately want to close up and not feel anything…not go anywhere…not so anything. After all…what’s the point? My hard work is just contorted into ways that I never meant for them to be. Why work on new relationships? Someone else to deceive me after I’ve opened my heart? Someone else to spread lies about me?

I write here to say…I have no idea what the answer is…so for now…I’m being quiet…and I’m sitting still…waiting…waiting for some food to be shown…waiting for the hurts to heal…praying for the truth to come out.