Author: jme71te

Today I put my Mom in a nursing home closer to me. The one she was in she shared with my Dad and it was the only lock down facility in that town. It was not our favorite but it was the best we could do at the time. My Dad was never treated badly…the people there were kind….just not enough help for what they needed.

Today as I was moving mom I saw Dads comforter that I had bought him, laying at the nurses station. We donated it to the home for someone to use. He was so excited for it…he kept asking me if it was his to keep….and the reality of what is hit me in a wave…his slippers laying on top…and I thought to myself how unfair life is…how much I hate that my Dad is gone.

I knew it would be a change for my Mom….and it has been. She has yelled at me and told me what a horrible daughter I am….and I know it’s not her saying it….but it still hurts.

Last October we had to put our Dad in a home after finding him walking the streets and all the things….Mom called myself and other sisters complaining about the other. How we don’t care….how she should just go run into the street and end it all…and then she told me that I dropped her off in a hell hole…..

I give you the hell hole:

When I went back later she had calmed down….only to get all upset around 8 pm….which is completely normal for her.

My Mother lost her soulmate three weeks ago….and we all miss him terribly….Dad was funny and easy going ….

I feel my body tense…the pressure is rising as everything around me seems to be imploding….it seems as if the game of WAC A mole , is here again.

I keep thinking “just keep swimming” like things will get better…:but can I be honest? It’s just a continual crap show that seems to be never ending.

I am trying to pick up hobbies to calm my mind and spirit….

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4th of July is on its way….maybe some relaxation and fun will be coming soon.

We will keep on thrifting…..

Went to decorate Dads grave

Flower garden is starting to bloom……

Keep on swimming…..

We got home around 3 am from Vegas. I do not feel too bad this morning. Happy to be home.

We are able to go to the JCK show in Vegas every other year. Our hotel was amazing and clean and smoke free and no casino….

We took two of our staff members. Vegas is a lot and I recommend never going more than 5 days. It’s sensory overload

However, this year, I was grateful for the distraction and Vegas has cleaned up quite a lot from where it was fifteen years ago.

Good ol Dennys is a fave and I can’t get over the service from our waitress Donna….love her!

The distraction was needed….and thankfully I stayed very busy.

On the flight home in the dark and quiet flight…..I remembered my Dad. Grief comes in waves….unexpected …

The reality of what is comes in waves….like my brain can’t fully process he’s not with me…

The comfort of knowing he is whole again….his body is healed gives me joy….but selfishly I want to kiss the top of his head again….i want to hold his hand again….

I want to hear the joy in his voice as I bring him lemon meringue pie and an ice cold Pepsi…

But those days are gone….and heaven is my hope.

I know the ache will lessen eventually but my Dad was the greatest….and no one umderstood me like he did…

I was named after my Dad and I will treasure that always….

I know you will be standing by the gates Dad….but I have much to accomplish before it’s time for me….

I will do my best…to always make you proud.

Today we laid our Dad to rest. Probably one of the hardest days of my life. I gave the Tribute and I faltered in the beginning, but was able to carry on without too many tears. Not sure if you’ve ever given a Tribute when your entire family is crying….but it encouraged me in a strange way….because I knew they felt the pain that I did.

Tribute:

I have written this tribute over three times. I gave it the simple title…

Dad

How do you write all the things from your childhood and adulthood you want to say in just a few minutes?

How do you say your dad was the best dad and showed up always. When life had broken me, he showed up to fix my broken wings and help me fly again. He would always rescue all of us.

I can still smell his gray metal lunchbox when you opened it. I loved how when he told me to open it, it usually meant a surprise like a chocolate bar or a balloon shaped like an apple.

He can make a song out of anything and he always had a new joke to tell.

In his last days, I came home from the hospital and my Ellie was having a hard time with him leaving us.

So I will tell all of you what I told her.

We were blessed to have a dad/grandpa, who loved us as much as he did

He loved to have water fights, but he never played fair as he would grab the hose and sprayed us with it until we surrendered.

He loved nicknames. Ronda and Trey were called partner. Ashley was famous in our family for Ashley did it. We don’t know what she did, but this was her official greeting even in adulthood.

We were blessed with a dad who loved Jesus and his Bible is worn where he opened it to read it.

Dad could fix anything, he could build anything. He made countless baby doll cribs, wagons, tables, microwave carts, planters, key holders, and even houses.

Dad made me feel like a track star almost every Wednesday night after Mom‘s choir practice and we would race to the car, and I actually believed I had beat him. He was so good at making it look like he had lost. He would even sulk a little so I really believed it And now those are just memories etched into my brain forever shared between just the two of us.

Today our hearts ache, we hurt and we grieve because we were given the greatest gift. We all knew what it was like to be loved by Dad. He wasn’t perfect, but he was perfect for us.

Even when I was married, my dad expected me to call him when I would get home, he couldn’t sleep until he knew I was safe.

I will never forget how much we would love for Dad to get into the pool with us and how he would throw us in the air, but I was never scared. I knew he would always catch me. I was never scared to be in the canoe with him, I knew he would never dump us. I was never scared to ride on the motorcycle because I knew he would do everything he could to keep me safe as long as I held on. I was never scared when our truck was sliding on a snowy road because Dad just told me to hold on and he kept me safe.

But now I’m asked along with all of you to go on without him and I’m not sure how to do that.

How do we say goodbye to someone who has been there for all the highs and lows of our entire lives.

Silly things like lemon meringue pie and donuts now bring tears to my eyes.

I know heaven is home and his mind and body are now healed.

I know he is looking down at us and he is happy to see all of us together.

I know he now knows who I am. He now knows I am his daughter instead of just that girl who has a name he likes. His mind is restored once again, dementia no longer has a hold on him

In the rest home facility, dad would say the following I had five girls… Long pause

And we would always sit there and smile because we never knew what he would say. And he would finish the statement by saying and that’s OK. I loved all my girls and we would smile and laugh.

Even when Dad was not his Best, we all knew that we were loved

Walking him home has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I wanted more time, but I know that’s selfish. I know heaven is his home. I know I will see him again. I’m sure he will be standing by the gates, asking us all what took us so long.

For now, I will smile when I see Chevy trucks. I will always root for the Kansas City Royals and the Chiefs and fishing and camping will always remind me of him. I will always cry when I see Folgers cans and I can still hear him saying why would you drive a Ford?

But I am so grateful for a Dad, who loved me unconditionally, and I knew that I could come home when my world fell apart, and he would let me lick my wounds, help me to be strong again… And then send me back out.

So today, we get to cry, we get to mourn…..But we rejoice because we know where he is. Today, is not the end.

Someday, there will be no more death.

We must look forward, we must hold the memories close.

We must remain grateful for without the gift of love. We would never feel the pain we feel now.

We are lucky that we have a dad/grandfather, who loved us so big and so loudly with much humor… Lots of laughter and wonderful memories. As you go forward, live your life with no regrets.

As I write this, I’m sitting by his bedside… I can hear his breath, and even now I’m comforted by it, because I know he’s still here… And I don’t want that to end… But I know it must, and even though I know it’s coming, I’m still in some sort of denial, that it isn’t real, but I know it is. And I am thankful for God‘s promises… That He always make a way.

So today and every day, I challenge all of you to hold on… Much like I did on the back of my dad‘s motorcycle because our heavenly father will also take care of us… We have no need to fear.

I leave you with this verse:

John 16: 22

So with you, now is your time of grief, but I will see you again, and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.

Not sure how many of you have had to deal with parents with dementia. A happy day was when you are remembered. In December there was a beautiful day where Dad said my name and then when I asked him who I was he said my daughter! I then asked him who named me and he said he did! I cried! I can’t remember when he knew me and it was the best gift.

Walking him home has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

Dementia is a nasty beast……it takes the ones you love and spins them with confusion but just enough sanity thet they know what they feel and think is wrong.

It’s like living in your dreams and never waking up. It’s almost impossible to know what’s real and what isn’t. Dad would have a dream about me and think I truly did these things he dreamed about and then wept with relief when he realized that they in fact did not occur.

Our family found him wandering the streets, going into peoples homes he thought were his…and falling as he would take walks alone even though we had asked him not to….

The last time I visited was the day before he turned 91…

He told me it would be soon….take care of Mom

Still, I thought I had more time…

That was the very last conversation I ever had with him….

The next time I was with him he was unconscious and I never got to talk to him again.

I will miss hearing the songs he would sing….I will miss seeing his excitement about donuts and lemon meringue pie.

I as with him Thursday and Saturday and Tuesday. Tuesday before I left I said to him….You are waiting until I leave aren’t you….and his eyebrows went up. I left at 6pm and at 11:38 pm he left this world and all the pain he has been in is gone…

When I was little….and Dad was there….I was never scared. As an adult….when Dad came and fixed it all…I was never scared….and now he is gone….and I am the one that now must keep everyone else from being scared….and I am not sure how to do it.

I miss him soo much.

We waited about a week….we worried….we cried. We talked to him, we played music and we held his hands.

Selfishly, I wanted him to wake up….I wanted him to not have Dementia anymore. I was angry because I felt robbed…we had such few moments of clarity with him.

Two weeks ago he was celebrating his 91at birthday and eating lemon meringue pie…we had a great visit….and now…it’s over.

Even though he didn’t always make sense….I still had him….i could still hear his voice….I could still hold his hand..I could still kiss the top of his head.

Tonight as I write this unable to sleep, tucked under the quilt my grandmother made and my mother gave me….I know he is happy. I know he is whole. I know his mind is restored. I know his body no longer aches.

Today I spent three hours at the funeral home. We have a huge family….and there are several decisions to be made. It was a great distraction. I had to get a haircut today and I just started crying in the middle of it. At Chic Fil a, they asked how my day was going….I lied….and said fine….what else should I say…. My Dad died…let me ruin your day as well.

Yesterday as I sat by Dad’s bedside comforted by the sound of his breathing , I wrote his tribute….his breathing changed about 4:30 and then it leveled out….I left around 5:30 or 6. Before I left I told Dad that he was going to wait until I left before he went home and his eyebrows went up…..and then five hours after I left that’s just what he did.

My family has never been great during a crisis….we are a little too dramatic….

When my first husband was killed in a car accident, Dad sat behind me for “moral” support, however, he was crying even louder and sniffling more than me….it did however create some much needed humor in a very difficult situation.

Dad has always been the softie, the gentle one, the one where we knew we were safe.

How we are going to do this and move forward I do not know….but we are going to do our best to make him proud of us…..

And yes, tomorrow is my birthday….and no, I wish it was not.

Two weeks ago my sister and I had gone to wish Dad a happy birthday. He was turning 91. He seemed in great spirits and ate every last bit of his fave lemon meringue pie. He didn’t know exactly who I was…but he really liked my name…

My sister walked away to help Mom with something and he told me it will be soon. Maybe summer . Take care of Mom. I promised him I would.

Wednesday morning I woke up with a message from my sister Dad is in hospital with a UTI and high blood pressure….but he has done this couple of times and has rallied every time…but this time sepsis was in his bloodstream and he has been unconscious ever since.

Since he is over an hour away I’ve gone twice this past week to see him and stayed all day. Someone is always with him….

My sister told him yesterday he can go…but he just isn’t ready to leave yet.

I will say that as I sat near his bedside my regrets are few….as you look at pictures it was clear they were a huge part of my life and my children’s life…and I am grateful for that.

I will not tell you for a second those visits were easy. It’s not fun when you visit and your parent doesn’t know you. Or they tell stories and you try to figure out what they were talking about…it’s emotionally draining.

Last time we were there my Ellie bawled when she said goodbye to my Dad….she sensed that would be it….and she hasn’t stopped crying.

I will write here what I told her.

We were blessed with an amazing Dad and Grandpa. we have wonderful memories of times together. I will never go fishing or camping and not think of my Dad. I won’t eat a donut or see Folgers coffee and not think of my Dad. Chevy trucks will always make me smile….KC Royals will always be who I root for I will always buy General Mills products with pride and I will always be proud of being from KCMO.

We had a Dad who rescued us when we were hurt, but gave us wings to fly. He could fix anything….he took care of us always and boy did he love to tell jokes. We were the lucky ones…and I am so very grateful!

Take the pictures….go on the visit….do not be full of regrets

This time last year I was going through radiation treatments every day….and while I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone I am proud of who I have become because of it. My husband told me I was a tough cookie…and I feel empowered by those words.

Cancer is a crap word that no one ever wants to hear…it comes in quietly and it leaves loudly and with great destruction. It doesn’t care that you were going to go to Greece. It doesn’t care that you had any plans at all…it just comes…with a terrifying swiftness…and it leaves with scars and pain and treatments and aches from medicines that you have to take for years…but all is not lost….it is just different.

Cancer decided to take my love for clowning away for awhile….I am trying to get it back…and I fear the old way of doing things is gone forever….and a new character will be emerging soon…

I believe her white face will be gone….her full character will be changed…..because that no longer feels right.

I believe as we grow older things we always did change. Most of us long for simple days…designer purses and perfect nails and hair and the latest skincare don’t matter as much. We begin purging our houses of excess. Things we do not use get tossed…the need for less becomes very real.

I find more joy in going to garden centers and thrift stores than I do for TJ Maxx. I have been to Hobby Lobby only once this year so far and that was strictly for my store.

I’m content to embroider and garden and make bread and soap….

Clowning was always my way to cope with life…but now I feel very conflicted….the old character no longer works….it feels like someone else. I go to Clown camp in August….I hope to get a fresh start and go to new heights with this new character.

This year as I put aside playing keyboard…..I have learned that quiet is not always bad….sometimes we need that in order to heal….

Just because you’ve done things a certain way….doesn’t mean you can’t change.

This weekend we went to visit the Art Department at a University my daughter wants to attend. It was lovely….and we probably found her place….but it will all be up to her.

We then went back to Bella Vista instead of taking the long way straight back home….

Bella Vista never disappoints….

But first….Springfield…..if you try….you can find beauty anywhere….

Hidden steps in a coffee shop…

Fantastic coffee that was suggested by locals….

Then we found a lovely secondhand bookstore!

Fabulous Greek restaurant….

Ellie enjoyed visiting the largest public university of art…

We then headed to Bella Vista….

Enjoyed time with family and going to the Farmers Market

Then off to another used bookstore!

I feel this healing inside of me…..

I am not the same….not worse not better….but changed.

Life is more precious…simple pleasures are more important….

I am finally popular…..at the cancer center🥴

And that’s ok….those people have been a sweet balm when I didn’t want to keep trying.

Every three months….I worry….then every six months I’m scared of what they will find….and it’s the in between that makes me the most scared most days.

But if we worry about the six months….the three months….have we lived at all?

I count the gifts….books organized by color….naps with the dogs sleeping nearby…flowers that I planted blooming. Sunny days and gorgeous flowers….new cars and coffee….baby birds in a nest on your front door…

Life is big….and overwhelming but it doesn’t have to leave you defeated….

If you are going through tough things it’s ok to laugh….take a break…enjoy life.

Life is a precious gift

Last week we headed to Bella Vista to be with family for Easter.

It was lovely relaxing and enjoying one another. Rain did not let up until Monday….insuring an amazing sight at the falls the next day.

This past weekend we spent visiting Dad for his birthday….

I do not expect to share another birthday with him….and I am not sure how I will deal with that….but for now….I want you to know….I had the best childhood and my Dad is better than yours.

For now…we will keep walking him home….grateful for all he taught us.

Today I went to my oncologist. I go every three months. He likes my labs done and he pays close attention to my liver etc. I’m doing hormone therapy and am on another drug because of the cancer drug preventer I am on.

I also see my surgeon and my Radiation Oncologist but only usually once a year.

Right now I am doing good….I am not sad….but my heart hurts….my parents are both in Retirement Homes. My father is not doing well and I am simply overwhelmed at living life without him. I am also irrationally mad because I feel we were all cheated. I didn’t know the last time he said my name and looked at me with recognition would be my last time. I didn’t know coffee and donuts and conversation would be my last. I didn’t know his April birthday where we ate cake together would be out last. I simply did not know.

I go through pictures and memories..::run my fingers through the grass….as I mulch my back flower garden I have a place where my pink bike and the door to my playhouse is in the flower garden. I regret nothing from my childhood my father did for me.

I can smell the inside of his lunchbox….the hard leather red and black plaid seat, the smell of aftershave and the sound of his Chevy truck. I can hear the silly songs and how his arm would be browner because he put it out the window and drove with the other.

I can still see his arm come across me as he had to brake hard….always there to catch me.

Now my phone rings several times a day as my Mother calls two of my sisters and I sometimes upwards to 12 times each. She’s confused….she doesn’t know why she is in a home….and begs us all to come get her….but there is no peace I can give her….she is in the safest place ….and those are words I have to say to myself daily.

Sometimes she says hateful words that she would never say to us if she was of her right mind…but she isn’t….and this is how it is.

I have made peace….but it still hurts. The suffering of watching your parents as their minds suffer is something I would never wish on the worst enemy.

My soul is sad…I laugh….I cry…but I am tired of hearing the word cancer and skin cancer and surgery.

My heart aches with the pain of this world and this life…

I know that heaven waits for me…I know that someday all tears will be wiped away and death will no longer win….but today….

I…..am….tired.

For now….I throw myself into reading….

And embroidery….

I love watching my daughter grow up….

Love being in nature

But I have no energy for clowning….

I know healing will come…and I pray that one day my red nose will feel right n my face again…but for now….

I will keep trying.