Author: jme71te

The news of Kate Spade has got people talking. Lots of people are saying how that we all need to be aware…..that we all need to have the courage to put down the veil and admit what we fear the most.

Lately, I myself have been down….if I’m honest….depressed. There are certain things as a business owner I cannot express….I cannot tell my true feelings on Facebook, or even this blog….I can come close….but never fully all out….here’s my heart.

There are people who think they know me…and dislike me….just by looking at me. There are very very few people that really know me….and my deepest darkest hurts??? Hardly anyone knows these things about me.

I can’t imagine what it was like to be Kate Spade….but I loved her style….and I love what she brought to the world….but if I had to guess…she was hardly ever told that. If I were to guess.., I would say that she probably spent her life making everything around her beautiful. I can imagine that she was involved in lots of things….but I imagine that she didn’t ever really feel that anyone cared…and I bet she believed the lie that the world would be a better place without her. I can imagine she was tired….tired of being strong….tired of being judged….tired of never receiving flowers from anyone but her husband, tired of being the one that encourages,but nobody seemed to give a rats behind about her. I bet she was tired of trying, tired of missing out on other things while she was busy giving of herself and time when it seemed that no difference was being made.

I imagine that she felt she was not doing all she could as a mother….and her daughter would be better off without her…I imagine that she felt like she was drowning while standing still… I can imagine that she would pray for the pain to end….but not feeling brave enough to end it herself. I can imagine she was tired of not hearing thank you….and wondering why the buck always stopped with her. I can imagine those new wrinkles by her eyes and extra pounds that only she noticed made her feel less desirable as well. I can imagine that all she wanted was for the voices of perfection to quit yelling at her….and why can’t we all just get along?

Everyone likes to talk about mental illness….and that we should all talk about it… and there is truth to it….but there is also truth to the fact that most of us are just tired…tired of rude people, tired of disrespectful children that we have given our lives for and they don’t seem to care. Tired of employees that seem confused they should do what you say . Tired of organizations that hold their hands out but rarely say thank you…. and tired of the backbiting, yelling and people that seem to just want one more piece of you..so much so…..we like to imagine we are just sitting in a forest with no phones or people. No sound.

I can imagine she was tired of jealous looks when she got something new…can you imagine not being able to show your friends a new diamond ring you got without jealous stares and whispers….or people making snide comments on how you got it.

I can imagine that she was super tired of being judged what she wore, what she ate, how thin she was, if she was a good enough mother or wife……I imagine she was tired of always having people tell her what was bothering them, or how tired they were but never being able to say it. I imagine she was tired of hearing the failures of employees and being blamed for it. Perhaps she had parents always nagging that she doesn’t spend enough time with them. The voices can be deafening….and constant.

How lonely she was…when was the last time someone called her to go out that wasn’t a relative. When is the last sweats party she was invited to where no cameras were allowed and she could just be her.

I imagine it was slim to nothing…and lonely was where she sat….and if most of us were real honest….we completely get it.

I think all of us that feel that way would tell her she could come out with us and spill her heart…but I think we would all be too busy to take her out or anyone else…because most big girls nowadays are to busy with their own small crowds to look out at those who are lost and alone…

Successful women need what all of us need… validation….room to let our hair down……secrets kept safe…..and always have our backs.

If you have a friend like that….you are a a very lucky woman….

So…may we all arrive to be the lifeguard that sees our fellow sister drowning….and reach down and save her….may we all be out there looking and talking to one another….you just never know how lonely that lady sitting next to you with the really nice designer bag how sad she really is.

My 11 year old called me this the other day.  She was telling me that she loved me…and I smiled.  How many times did I hear that in the last 17 years….and just thought….I would hear it forever.  Then….all the sudden, I didn’t anymore.

My 11 year old would put herself to sleep until age 5 making a whining hum that drove us all crazy on trips….and now…we miss it. You never know when the last time is you will hear something you didn’t think you needed a video of.

It seems that we figure out the babies routine…and then they become toddlers….figure how to have them go to the bathroom independently, and all the sudden they are doing division and multiplication.  Then they are going to sleep overs and organized sports that they are actually good at….and then they are driving…and then they are graduating from high school…..and then….then you are ready for them to go…because you know its never gonna be the same.

Lets be clear….I’m ready for my boy to go….and he’s ready to go….but lets also be clear….I miss his blonde hair and chubby hands…and dirty boy smell.  I miss when I had to help him open stuff, help him swing…fix his “boo boos” and hold his hand when we would take walks.  I miss how he hated bubbles in his bubblebath….how he spoke so clearly at such an early age.  How I taught him that the yellow light means go faster (what was I thinking!)  I miss how he thought my ideas were awesome…how Mom fixed everything…and how my hotdogs were the best ever.  I miss Tonka trucks and Bob the Builder.  I miss fun shaped pools every summer and dirt and sand and water meant summer.  I miss how bellies would be sticky from popsicles and watermelon…and I miss how he loved to swim.  I miss how he loved Toy Story and how he would water the sunflowers with rainboots and a Dark Vader cape and a coon skin cap.  I miss the excitement over Star Wars toys and Spider Man…how pizza was the best thing ever…and how his room didn’t smell.  How he didn’t tower over me….and I knew he was safe every night because he was sleeping in his bed.  How I drove him everywhere and how I unpacked clean clothes when he returned from camp.  I will miss each and every one of those things….but….there are also new memories to discover.

There will be college that helps him grow up….and no, I really don’t like it.  There will be heartbreak….there will be confusion….there will be reality.  The reality of having to do laundry and cook food….and all the things that “adulting” brings that all of us hate….where we all want to just be sent to our room and made to take a nap.

Just like the word Mamma is gone from our house (pretty much) and all the summer toys….and more toys….and more things are going away that used to mean that kids lived here….and here we sit…with more purging and more “adult” things….and I scratch my head…and say…can I just take a nap….I’m tired from it all….but if I nap….I will miss the rest. The word Mamma made me feel important, appreciated, revered and loved in some way….and I never missed it or noticed its absence….until she said it today…and i realized….its gone….I rarely hear it anymore.  How much more have I not noticed? How much more have I missed?

Today she swam in the pool with other girls….and she was the youngest….in age…but her body proves that she is no longer little.  She towers over girls who are at least three years older….and I watched her swim….no more pool floaties…..no more showing her how to swim under water….now she’s learning techniques to compete….and I just sat there…wondering…what have I missed….just today?  When is the last time she will call me  Mamma? When is the last time…I will hear that name….happy to say…I heard it today….but tomorrow….not promised.

What’s the words you long to never leave? Hold it tight…keep it close.

Quote Response Essay
— Read on docs.google.com/document/d/1syzNjPVUMv5mo0bu-fNstERQhy7sX8obaitPbs31BHw/mobilebasic

It’s late….I should be in bed….but my back is killing me. I have an early doctors appointment which I have literally put off for three years…and I would like to extend another year. However, the painting I’ve been doing and yard work are catching up to me.

So far this past week I have conquered a 5k Color Run, Mother’s Day Dinner (with the help of hubby and children), and two birthdays. I can sleep at night now, with my Lists complete for my sons graduation party….and I actually made appointments for massages, pedicures and nails before we go on our biggest business trip of the year.

To say I’m tired is an understatement. However, I look around and all of us seem to be working at the same neck breaking speed. I also recently completed my third jewelry class which now gives me the title of AJP (assistant jewelry professional) and now I have four classes more to take to become a graduate of colored stones and then eventually possibly studying to become a graduate gemologist (but I’m not sure my little brain can handle that).

Lately, as we are at the end of one child’s journey at home…I’ve been contemplating lots of things…family, friends and church….and it’s left me frankly….in a very bad mood.

For instance, when someone calls you and says that they are sorry for offending you, but they don’t know what they did wrong….what is your response? When someone tells you that they can’t possibly show up or help you with something (even though they have a valid excuse) what is your response? When someone tells you they can definitely help you with something….not once….but twice and twice they fail (again, for a very good reason) what is your response?

Lately I can tell you…my forgiveness doesn’t always extend how far I wish for my shortcomings to be overlooked…and perhaps I’m too judgemental with others….while overlooking the same discrepancy in my own life.

I long to be someone who shows up when I say…but sometimes I have a very sick kid, or I myself am sick and don’t feel that I should spread germs to those I’m trying to encourage…and perhaps when I actually tell that to places I volunteer at that they feel the same way…perhaps they doubt my word…because frankly….it’s common.

It’s more common to decide that your coming to a wedding, potluck, graduation party at the last minute without letting anyone know your coming.

As a host of a big party coming up this Saturday, I already have a number of people that I think will show up and I’ve bought my food accordingly. Most people will not even tell me they are coming….and sometimes I have also been this person….because sometimes I simply don’t know…and instead of disappointing them…I just remain vague…non committal.

We show up to doctors appointments, lessons, tutoring and job interviews late…we apologize…we have good reasons….but nevertheless, we keep people waiting….and it’s more than common.

We don’t write thank yous, and if we do they are always late…

We don’t develop relationships because simply….we are tired. Right now….I could go a month without going to one more party…and smile at one more kid….and think about one more birthday…🤪…..I just want to go somewhere where I can make soap and listen to the birds sing and no loud noises….but that reality is not mine sadly.

I don’t want to be a person that everyone is surprised that they show up on time. I do t want to be the person that no one can rely on….where they have to have a backup….because they are afraid I won’t show up. I don’t want to be the one that is late for work and all the work is done when I get there.

I want to be the rock that someone knows will show up and they can rest easy because I said I would do it and it’s done ….I want to be the Clown that they know will be there and they do n’t even have to think twice about it. I want to be the one that shows up on time and doesn’t leave people doing what I should have been helping with. I don’t want to be the one where we joke about how late they will be and place bets.

I want to be the person who is counted on, relied upon….and where frankly….the buck stops.

May we all push ourselves to do more for others…like show up when we should…..even though we don’t feel like it.

I sit here today….telling you this is super hard….like not the hardest ever….but still hard.

As a homeschool Mom I found out a few things about myself. First, I don’t understand teachers who cannot answer an email….especially when it’s a concerned parent 😜.

I will tell you that all of my sons teachers always answered except for one. 🙄 I also will say that his orchestra teacher was phenomenal and I enjoyed his DECA program. Honestly….to me school this year was a trial run….I wanted to see what decisions he would make.

There was some good and some bad…but the hardest lesson for me was not interfering…..by interfering I mean, it was so hard to quit doing laundry….to not clean his room….after all he leaves at 7:15 in the morning, has practice and Then gets home around 5….and three nights he goes to work..::I had made it all fit in my head as to why he needed help….but that’s just it.

I cannot remember the last time my Mom did my laundry..::or made my dinner, brought me something I forgot….or paid my bills because I overspent my paycheck. Because I’m an adult, and once I graduated college and left home for the final time…they quit paying my insurance….and all the sudden it was up to me. We didn’t haven the air in until it was so hot I couldn’t stand it..::food was meticulously dealt out for the week… no water was being run while aimlessly brushing our teeth….and there was no reason for anything other than dial up (if you don’t know what this statement means ask your mother 😳🙄). I learned quickly that haircuts and manicures are something that we can’t have…and cable was a luxury we were not going to pay for. I learned I could jump on my bed….but if I broke it, I had to pay for a new one….and I just made my bed…so all the joy was sucked right out of that idea. I learned that pants can be worn more than once without washing…..and duct tape could indeed hem my pant line. I learned that burnt pork chops meant cereal for supper and potluck was an awesome option when having friends over….but don’t turn on unnecessary lights people….we are not the Rockefellers (if you Don’t get that….again ask your mother).

So…yes I will cry at graduation….but the hardest part for me right now….is the stop fixing everything. I want to clean his room and pack his bags, I want to decorate his dorm room and neatly package his food and coordinate his drawers, so he had everything in order. I want to color code his folders and notebooks for college and cross reference everything on a planner. I want to sit down and truly explain the purpose of a ledger…explain to him NOT to eat a months worth of food in a week. I want to not answer that phone when he realizes he’s gonna be hungry for a week because he didn’t schedule his finances correctly….and that….that right there, is when we grow up. I remember when I realized for the first time that if I sleep through my class no one will wake me up. No one will care or ask me if I ate today….I could go xdays without showering and no one can make me….or wash my clothes (like my roommate from Canada). He will learn different cultures like I did going to a college in the south…where I learned about grits (they have aisles dedicated to the stuff, not even kidding!) He will learn that fudge rounds and Mountain Dew mixed with Olive Garden breadsticks….are a terrible idea (ask me how I know this).

He will learn that friends can make you crazy…

And sitting at the nerd table is actually a pretty smart place to be….pretty sure we all work for most of those people now.

He will learn that putting off papers in college doesn’t work like it does in high school….and nobody cares anymore what you did in high school.

He will also learn that calling Mom and Dad when he needs money is a bad idea…and bringing home your roommates clothes and his dirty clothes is a bad idea….he will learn…but only….if I don’t interfere…..so here we go….and good luck to both of us….because we will need it!

My son graduates from high school in nineteen days. I can believe it, and then….can’t hardly believe it.

I’ve waited for this day….I’ve dreaded this day…I’ve prayed for this day.

When your given the opportunity to homeschool your child, you have the opportunity to see the bad, the good, and the very ugly. I can pretty much tell you everything my son is thinking just by looking at him.

When he goes to college…we will see what he’s really made of…and what that will look like depends on him and him alone.

Since I homeschooled him from 4th grade to his 11th grade year I was able to keep him from some things that I really didn’t want him to see, but everyone has to grow up eventually.

I talk with some parents and they are completely undone that I let my son go to a public school his senior year. They are completely undone that I’m letting him choose his college…and be away from home…and I say…perhaps that’s what wrong with kids….we have done a wonderful job of paralyzing them.

I homeschooled my child because I wasn’t impressed with our local public school system. While there are good things about it, if you can make your child take the Honors classes, and fine arts opportunities and sports opportunities…I felt that the bad outweighed the good….but finally….his Senior year….I let him go.

I realized that in a year he would be at a big university, far from home….and I was curious to how well he would fly. So I guess we could call this year…the “temporary run”. I saw some good, some bad…but for the most part good. He learned from his mistakes…and we will see what the future holds.

I have watched many kids from private, Christian, public, homeschool….and I’ve always been amazed at how they turned out. For the most part it seems that the kids who were homeschooled or went to private school…seem to go off the deep end the most. Why is this you ask? Lack of freedom seems to be the best answer I can come up with….but really…I just don’t know.

I am aware that kids are going to do what they want, regardless of how they’ve been raised…that’s just a plain fact. However, this level of parents who feel it can never happen to their child…has me a little stumped. None of us are beyond failure.

I have said it before…I will say it again….whatever awards, whatever disciplines, whatever good or bad things that my child does in this world….is on him. We are accountable for our actions…not our children’s actions. I see a child do something wrong…(and by child I mean 16 or over) and the parents are blamed.

If my child decides to speed that isn’t on me…that’s on him….because I told him he will pay for the ticket and consequences that follow

Lately, I’ve completely given laundry to him….if he doesn’t have that special shirt he needs for tomorrow??? Again….on him….welcome to the real world! Do I do this perfectly??? No I don’t…I have to make myself shut his door and NOT fix it. I took a mental picture of how his room will look in college….or how his roommate is not going to be impressed….and I’m telling you that I really tried….and now…it’s up to the universe to teach him.

I can also tell him what kind of music to listen to, where to go to church…what to eat….who to be friends with. What not to join….what to study…:and all you do is raise an adult who can’t think for themselves.

I can tell my daughter not to wear jeans with holes. Tell my son not to shop at Starbucks or Target. Tell him not to shop at Dicks or buy anything Yeti. I can terrify him of this world….or I can show him how to be a light. A light that shows love and compassion, not a pointing finger. A light that helps others through their hurts….and helps them laugh when all seems lost. I can show them how to pay attention to the lost and forgotten…to be attentive to those around you. To smile at people. To love people. To help someone when they fall…to keep a secret in confidence. To say hello….and not to judge by how short the hemline is. To offer a meal without discussing the kind deed you did on a social platform. To show up on time, when you said you would. To follow through…for your word to count. For you to be counted on to show up….for you to show….Jesus….the real Jesus.

Whatever I do in this world….may people know I truly cared….and may they smile….when they think of me!

May my children walk in truth and point others to the truth by the way they walk.

This past Sunday….I almost held my arms up in the air….almost….I get so frustrated with myself. For 23 years I was brought up in a church where tears were for sin and hands lifted were you asking if you could go to the restroom….they were not for praising Jesus….but I really wanted to raise them….because I FELT the need….I felt the spirit rising in me and I just wanted to tell Him. However, my fundamental Bible Baptist self….told myself that Jesus already knows everything and I didn’t need to raise my hands. 😔

However, as a parent….we know our kids love us ….but don’t we want them to show us? Not everyone feels the same way….for instance….to make me really happy…and when I’m feeling sad..the best thing for me to do is go out and put on a Clown nose and Clown….for my husband…….grab his guitar….for my son??? Eat chic fil a….it’s different with everyone.

We have been attending a church called Grace for a little over a year. It’s non denominational and has Baptist beliefs….but has a few others as well ( like they like to raise their hands a lot🙌🏻) and that makes me very happy.

You don’t see a lot of suits….but you do see them. You see jeans, and camo, and dressed up folks and dressed down folks….and weird folks like me.

You see people wearing hats, drinking coffee, wearing shorts….or leggings😳 (the ultimate sin). You see people using their Bible on their phone 😳🙄😜🙋🏼‍♀️ like me!!! And there are no hymnals 😳 like what???? Our “hymnal” is on the screen. You don’t hear the normal Baptist language that I had forgotten about until I was around it again….and I giggled to myself. I counted the word “blessing” about 10 times in a very short conversation….but I can adapt….I can squeeze that word right in with the best of them. I might have over done it by saying Praise Jesus and lifting my hands up (just kidding….I can’t even seem to do that in church!)

So…there I was….Sunday morning….praising Jesus….and wanting to lift my hands up….and up on the stage the music team has tattoos and wearing hats….and the judgmental side of me wanted to judge….but….I could see their genuine love for our Savior….and I became immediately blind to any hang-ups that I would have seen otherwise.

The problem with church…is that many of us can’t leave the hurts, the judgements, the bad memories (sometimes debilitating) out of our minds when we enter the house of God. We put on this cloak of armor….just try to say hi to me….not gonna happen!!!😔 Just try to make friends with me or compliment me and I will rip you apart….because….I have been wounded more harshly than you can imagine….and I will not let my guard down again!

I refuse to buy my daughter a denim skirt because my scars are so deep….I refuse to let her go to certain church camps because I’m afraid that she will be treated how I was…

I’m not defending it….I’m just stating where I’m coming from.

I was raised in the strictest environment you can imagine. Where knees and shoulders were almost as enticing as breasts. I was told how close I could sit by boys and no closer. Kissing was frowned upon and hand holding was close to having premarital sex. I was called into the office often…told I was a bad kid with a bad attitude. I was assigned friends….oh no….not because I needed friends….but because they were spies….yep! There was nothing to spy on they later reported to me…and most of them became my friend wondering what was wrong with the administration(yeah….me to).

I graduated from there….and very very very long and sad story….made it back. God never left me….never abandoned me….and I knew He was real. He wasn’t this character in the sky full of judgement and ready to “smite me”….He loves me so much He gave His life for me! I tell you this….because….no matter the people who treated you badly in His name…that isn’t what He’s about. That isn’t who He is….and I just want to lift my hands….in complete abandonment of fear and what others think of me….and finally….just finally….let it all go.

When I first got married to my first husband over 20 years ago…I was super excited. I was going to be the best wife ever. I went to Ladies Bible studies to find out how….and they talked about organizing your trash bags under your sink? Since we were newly married and poor (paying off his college debt and he was going to seminary) there were only two sizes….kitchen and yard trash bags…..and all theses years later…I have to admit….I still only have two sizes (not sure what I missed 😳)

I have remarried….my first husband was killed in a car accident almost 16 years ago….and I have been remarried for almost 15 (judge ahead if you’d like).

When I remarried, we had to deal with lots of things that most people do not have to deal with. We had to deal with kids from other marriages and his ex wife….and there was just a lot of junk in both of our lives that we had to work on. To say it was hard would be an understatement. Gut wrenching, almost gave up on….who cares I already failed once anyway kind of attitude going on.

However, after the first child went to college and the second one left home….and now the third one with one foot out and the other foot soon to follow….I can honestly say we are even closer than we ever were.

We watch movies where people say they aren’t even interested in their spouse and haven’t been for years??? That hurts my heart to read that!

I can honestly tell you that we are crazy for each other. There is no bigger cheerleader I have in all the world than him. There is no one who pushes me like he does. I still go nuts when he walks in a room…and when I walk into a room and our eyes meet…I know exactly what he’s thinking.

Am I crazy that there are so many people our age who don’t feel that way about each other that it makes me sad? Is it crazy that we enjoy each other the way we do?

Don’t get me wrong….we fight….we disagree….but I assure you that we are both saddened that there aren’t more that feel the way we do.

Perhaps it’s the church that holds some blame? I used to go to Bible studies but would be completely outraged by the discussions of other wives constantly complaining about their horrible husbands and how awful it was to be them. I didn’t hear anyone take them aside…I just heard others join in and contribute to the conversation in negative ways….now adding what their husbands did. Let me be real clear here….I have said things about my husband in private that I should not have said…but never in a public forum.

When I was in charge of a college class I would have discussions with the girls about how to treat their husbands. I really wanted them to understand what a powerful role they play. As a wife, you have the power to uplift or tear down. To encourage or to discourage…to empower or make them feel worthless. When I’m empowered by my husband because he seees all that I can offer the world…I find that even if I was going to be uncomfortable or appear silly to the world….that my job that I have been given is the most important and I’m the only one to do it. Let me tell you….as a clown that is hard to have someone who makes you feel that special. When I empower him…he can do things he never felt the courage to do…he has actually told me this. Because I believed in him….he also believed in himself.

For 15 years….I have been with this man who has seen the good the bad and the very ugly….and he has stayed…and not only has he stayed….but we have thrived. I believe that date night and finding common interests have helped us. I also believe that children leaving the nest has helped. None of them are bad children….but it is nice in any family, when your kids start leaving the nest and we can concentrate on each other and our interests instead of several children.

I don’t have all the answers….and we are not perfect. Our marriage isn’t perfect and we have spats….but I can honestly say…I believe that we are more madly in Love now…than we ever have been….and I don’t need a marriage retreat to tell me that.😍

I am ready…..I have cried the tears of my senior boy….and I am ready.

I have talked to many of you and had this conversation in years past…and I confess I thought of you as heartless at the time…but now I can tell you….I understand.

The bird wants to fly…. and I need to let him. He wants to make his decisions and doesn’t want to listen to my immense wisdom. Oh, I wish in times like these that I always realize how I was at that age….how even when I look at my 29 year old self….I still hide my face in my hands. We as parents seem so sure of ourselves when we were younger….that we were so much smarter than we really are.

I look at pictures of young Moms with their boys….and I do miss those days….

However, I also get tired when I think of those days. How weary I was with his allergies and how he would throw up in the car and in the store anytime he had anything with the slightest hint of dairy.

How he never slept in…how he hated anything to touch his hands…..like bubbles….or play doh….just not his thing.

I look at him getting ready to make his way in the world, make mistakes, and make good decisions as well….and I’m ready. I’m ready for college to be the daily thing. I’m ready for graduation for high school to be here. I’m ready for him to make his way. I’m ready to purge his room and all his crap.

I’m ready to try new things….have more time with my last child….and do more things in my community. I’m ready to quit discussing majors and test scores and exams….and I’m ready for him to have to worry about all that….for the responsibility to be his and his alone.

Perhaps it’s different with girls….but I’m ready….ready.

What I didn’t expect to hit me was the person who was there for his birth but is not there for his next phase of life….and how that makes me sad. Not sad for me….sad for Trey. I’m sure that sounds heartless….but I’m at peace with Rons passing…and I believe that God’s plan is perfect….and even though I don’t understand it…I do accept it.

I wonder how my son is taking it….I know he will never say…but I wonder. Oh the demons of our past….will they ever be behind us?

I believe God has a sense of humor….the night before Ron died he sang the song at the church he was attending “I Can Only Imagine.” For 16 years my son and myself has approached that song with a love/hate relationship…..and now….they are making a movie of it. We simply cannot get away from this song.

I ask as you read this post you hear my heart….I am not saying that I don’t love my son….I will cry when he leaves. There is however, a time in every young mans life that he needs to spread his wings…he fights against your wisdom, no matter how small the suggestion. This does not make my son unusual….this makes him very normal.

If you are here in this place in your life that I am….you know what I am saying. It is normal for our babies to fly….and I refuse to clip his wings and make him stay….but I am ready and then I’m not ready. This phase of life is over…there is no do over. The book has been written so far. The mistakes I made are plentiful….but he was my first baby….and let’s be honest….the first baby none of us know what we are doing.

So, to the Moms who have kids graduating this May….I feel your tears, your joy, your sadness, your fear, your worry, your unrelenting nauseous feeling of whether they are safe or not….I feel it to…..but I also feel the joy of a new chapter….the time to relish with my husband and daughter….and the excitement of what is to come.

Save a tissue for me at graduation…..I’m sure I will need it!

I know what its like to be the one person in the room that no one wants to be.  I know what its like to cry at a funeral and pray you can keep it together for just a few more minutes.  I know what it is like to sit there and wonder how you can possibly raise your son by yourself….and this past weekend….it wasn’t me….it was one of my family members.

During these times everyone focuses on family….writes things that tell you to hold your family close.  We tell ourselves that we are going to do things differently….and we do…for a bit.  We think about what people would say at our own funerals….or if there will be anyone there? Will I die when I’m old….and just my kids will be there….because my friends and family went on before me? Will I die and there will be standing room only? Or when my time comes….will anyone remember anything about me? Will anyone be sad to see me gone? Will there be sighs of relief because I’m gone? Will the sun be shining? I think your day of departure from the earth….will be so ordinary. It always seems to be. I remember the day my first love left this earth.  It was a sunny day…it was in the evening.  He would always say that he didn’t want to wear a seatbelt because it would mess up his heavy starch shirt.  I would yell at him….and then when he left me and this whole world…he was wearing a polo shirt.  I’m sure I sounded insane (but they gave me a break since I was going through a trauma) as I laughed/cried/screamed at him that he was wearing a polo.  I’m sure when he thought he would leave this earth….it wouldn’t be that early.  I’m sure that he didn’t want to leave this earth with the mess that I had to clean up for him…but he did.

I’m sure that he didn’t think about our son who is graduating this May….and he won’t be there to see it. Instead, another man….who came in when he didn’t have to or need to…stepped up to the plate…and made us complete.  My husband now tells me that if he leaves this earth early that he wants me to find love again…..but I don’t want to.  If he leaves this earth first before I do….the last thing I want to do is find another heart to love.  We think the same (sometimes).  We are at the age of our marriage….that I know from across the room what he’s thinking.  I know what will set him off…he knows what makes me crazy.  I know his bad habits…and he knows mine.  He is my biggest cheerleader in the crazy ideas I have….and no one sends me off into the world feeling like I can conquer it more than him.

So, when I die….when you die….probably won’t be anything at all like we have imagined. That used to depress me….until I realized that the real excitement will be where no one on this earth will be able to see….its when I finally come home.  It’s finally when I stand before our Savior…..and all my tears will be wiped away one final time.  It’s where I hope to hear…”Well done, thy good and faithful servant.” It’s where I pray that I will have crowns to lay at His feet.

Everyone wants to be liked, applauded, congratulated and told that we are special….and some of us get that on earth….but most of us don’t….and won’t…..but as long as my Savior is happy with what I’ve done….that has to be enough.

I will leave you with these words….right the wrongs….settle the differences….and put down the phone. Be present in your life….your friends, the people around you.  Make your ministry count…make your children count, your husband.  Do the projects you’ve always wanted to do….say no to something else.  Don’t just do mundane things because you said you would…..make sure that all you do is for a purpose.  If it isn’t for a good purpose….get rid of it.  If it robs your joy and steals nothing but time….it isn’t good.  What do you do that makes other people happy? What are you contrition to the kingdom? If its mothering because you have young children….go mother.  If you have an empty nest…the possibilities are endless.  Want to get fit? Go do it! Want to run a race? Go train for it.  Want to be a clown? Well…..call me…..but you get the point! Go, do….take every minute of this life….and DO SOMETHING with it!

Fear is our biggest setback…..fear of failure…fear of laughter….fear of what will people say….

Fear after a tragedy can also completely paralyze you.  I fear every time that my son or husband drives that they will be taken from me just like my first husband was….but to understand and accept God’s will….and find peace in that….is the only way that I can possibly live.  Putting my life in His hands….is the only way that I have been able to move forward in this life.  As I write that, my heart jumps….because that is the scariest thing to write….I want to take it back….but I know that in taking that back….I will just be paranoid and fearful….all over again.

Go….live your best life….because you may just have one more day.