Author: jme71te

My husband and I were taking a late lunch yesterday while working at our store. It was a snow day but we were open and obviously not very busy. We decided to grab a bite to eat at one of our local restaurants for a late lunch.

This particular restaurant was one of the busiest in Our town and since there was ice…you can be sure that there were a couple of “flakes” that said they couldn’t come into work. Our waitress was approaching us, but first she was stopped by the previous table…who had just been given their food and then were making more demands….they needed this and that and more of this and that….and while she was at it….get this….and then they were annoyed that she hadn’t gotten it yet. Well….perhaps if you quit talking, she can get something done about your demands. She walked over to us….almost in tears….I asked for coffee….my husband water and I tried to encourage her with my eyes…like…”no worries, I think they are idiots just like you do.”

As I continued to glare at the “entitled” people behind us….I wondered just what their story was. The one giving the highest demands seemed to be all of about 12 or 13. The girl with him (who I imagine to be in college and I assume his sister) was just as demanding….but she did at least manage to say thank you. Being 2 in the afternoon these two appeared to be just getting around for the day…since all schools had been cancelled and the colleges are still on break, I’m assuming they were eating a late lunch as well. Of course, I know that there could be other things going on with these two….they could have just come from the hospital….or….they could just treat people this way because they haven’t really ever had to earn their way.

My son is 18, and he works at a local fast food restaurant in our town. Daily he’s told to “f” off because the fries aren’t in there or they asked for more than one sauce….or they have to wait for their food. He’s had people throw drinks at him….all because they were unhappy about their beverage with too much ice or too little or They asked for Dt Coke, not Coke (they both kill you so calm down).

I’ve worked at banks and daycares and waitressed and had all sorts of interesting jobs. I cleaned girls dorm bathrooms at college and learned quite a lot about others during that time, one being that….girls are just 🤢 nasty.

Here is what I learned: those that never have to work in jobs that are in the service industry will act as if they are better and are entitled. They will treat those that so work in service jobs like dirt….and make their lives complete misery.

I own a beautiful jewelry store….but I still have people treat me rudely….until….they find out I’m one of the owners. However, they have yet to learn….I don’t want you treating my employees like that either!

I am in awe of how we as humans treat each other. My coffee at Starbucks isn’t right so the proper way to handle that….is to throw it at the person that made it??? My fries are cold so let me call you a horrible name and yell it into a family restaurant. You won’t give me my money back because I’ve clearly had this and used it so I’m gonna scream until you give me what I want? No wonder so many kids are brats, and so many teens don’t understand the value of a dollar….and so many college kids feel that everything they do should get a standing ovation.

I wish that what I had seen yesterday was rare…but it’s not. It’s no longer a cool thing to work your butt off for what you want….it’s now…take what you want. If you do something mean and hurtful, let me give you a reward?

I hope that my son and my daughter will grow up to learn how to treat others because they know what it’s like to be treated poorly by others.

Until then….do what you can to be kind to one another!

It’s a new year….and a new year of clowning. I have really enjoyed the new groove that I’m in….but I find myself getting too comfortable.

Right now, I am able to attend two places. One is a retirement home….and the other is a place for disabilities from mild to extreme. I personally live both places….but the one that I adore is the one that I get them to interact with me. We are able to play games and they absolutely ❤️ anything that is a song. I always leave them with prizes and stickers and either a tattoo or balloons and sometimes all three.

I cannot tell you the absolute joy this gives me and as my daughter gets older she is able to go with me. So far, she sees what we do as important…and she really likes doing it.

I never was interested in clowning for making money. I just wanted to be able to let go and be silly and be able to help someone smile for the day.

The staff at both places I go to are super helpful and seem to enjoy that I come. Right now, I’m happy with what I’m doing….but trying to think of new things to keep everyone engaged….I think that’s the hardest part..::being able to really stay ahead of the game.

I ask that you pray for me to be able to continue doing what I feel God has called me to do….and that I would have a better understanding of what that will look like!

Thank you again for your support and loving words…it means a lot!

This year, 2018…..I will be married to my man for 15 years. I will watch my firstborn son walk across the stage and become an Eagle Scout. I will get to see him walk across the stage at a huge Civic Arena and receive his high school diploma….and then later this year, he will go to college.

Tonight while going through videos to find more training tapes for our employees I ran across our wedding video. I guess it’s something about second marriages….my first wedding tape was in a special case, along with my amazing wedding pictures blah blah blah. I didn’t even know someone was taking a video of it. It literally was taken by my husbands family and I was thrilled that we had something. My first wedding, I had a videographer (who happened to like my bridesmaids more than me) but that’s a different story for a different day. I watched my wedding video….and marveled at my awesome skinny body…..my son being three and my husbands daughters were 9 and 7 😳!!! Could not even get over how dark my husbands hair was (before we went through three teens, Lord Jesus help us).

What was funny on the video is watching your 20 something self….wow…..I was sure I knew everything. Watching it, I just wanted to grab my younger self and shake her….but….She probably wouldn’t have listened anyway.

Life beats us up….but I wouldn’t change who I am for what I have learned. I wouldn’t take the me that was in the video and traded places with her….I needed to become who I am now…and to do that….I needed to walk through some things.

15 years…..seems like forever…..seems like just a second. I know what he’s thinking from across the room. I know when to approach and when to stay away. I know when he is ready to play music….I know how long he takes to respond to a question I ask….his long pauses….I’m used to them. I know that he’s going to leave messes in certain places and when I clean them up I’m probably not going to put things back where he wants them. I’ve been known to put away sandwich making things…while he’s making the sandwich 😳. He is brilliant, he is able to understand things that my mind cannot. He pushes me to be more than I thought possible. When I want to veg out or just be an introvert and stay home….he encourages me to do something different. He is the adventurer….I’m the timid follower. He finds exciting places and out of the way places to go to that I don’t have the courage to try. He thinks up songs and jewelry designs that I could never begin to imagine. He has taught our son to debate with facts and not feelings. He has taught me to look at all angles, instead of just one. He has encouraged our daughter to be an amazing artist, to play her violin outside the box….to “feel” the music. He has guided all our children in making decisions….never pushing them…just offering different options. He has taught them to memorize scripture, to have a relationship with God, and to know to always seek His guidance.

I know when his feet ache…that getting in the eliptical is therapy for him, and he hates to watch a lot of tv. I know that he hates paperwork and I will always be the one that buys our plane tickets and books our hotel. He will always be the one to lift my ridiculous suitcases and make me laugh through security and hold my hand because…yes…I’m terrified to fly. I always count the exits etc. He never laughs at my insanity for hand sanitizer (maybe a little). I will always go to the DMV and get our tags….and he will always be the one that negotiates price when purchasing anything….because we all know that I stink at having a “poker face”. I have yet to learn that a salesman is not really my friend.🤦‍♀️

I know that loud restaurants and bad customer service can get both of us in the worst mood. We prefer quality over quantity….but boy do I ❤️ my TJ Maxx. He loves to play guitar but really enjoys the songs that make you think….he’s very shy….but once you get him talking….he’s good to go. He has a great sense of humor…..but hates stupidity and arrogance. I make him most proud when I clown at some of the local retirement homes….and he’s my biggest fan.

We have turned a small business into a pretty sweet business that we are both proud to call our own.

He is very frugal…..and I’m trying my best to get there….each year I’m better.

Our marriage isn’t perfect. He can get on my last nerve….but 15 years….Wow….

Some ask me what makes marriage work….I answer that it’s work….for both of us….annoying habits that each of us have…completely overlooking them and trying to make each other be our best selves.

It’s amazing that when you look at someone you love so much…and you decide to take things that you had rather throw back at them…for the fact that you just love them. I will pick up that forgotten dirty bowl , clean up your mess in the kitchen….and put up with things that make me want to scream….because….Marriage is not about 50/50. I don’t have a scale of where I weigh what he has done versus what I have done….I just do. I don’ t always do it with a happy heart….sometimes I don’t feel like doing extra nice things for him, but I also know sometimes he doesn’t feel like doing all the awesome things for me he does.

I love him more now than I did 15 years ago….but I also know that marriage isn’t just something you can leave alone….it’s like my yoga (which I have greatly ignored) to get good at it, you must work at it….all the time!

Today the weather was warm enough that we could actually take down the ice frozen Christmas lights and greenery without having to be hospitalized because of hypothermia.    Tomorrow, I may just wash my car! I’m not getting to excited because it seems that there will be snow in two days….(so maybe I won’t wash my car 🙂 )

I got a lot of cleaning and more purging done….but what was a really fantastic thing….was that many of the things that I put in place last year….are STILL working! I have to say that’s when I can really jump up and down.  I did some organizing in the kitchen and the pantry…..and those systems have worked beautifully! I had the drawers installed that pull out….and that has allowed me to be very choosy in anything else that I buy….because it simply has to fit in this space….and if it doesn’t fit…..I don’t purchase it!

My daughter and son are past the toy stage really.  My 10 year old has a fascination with Breyer horses and the barns….and loves Legos….but we have tamed those.  She, on her own, had me sell all her PetShops this past summer. 😦  We also have American Girls….and those we will never sell.  For now….those just sit with her American Girl horses.  She’s into art…and we have display shelves from Ikea and what has tamed ALL of it….was a little $9 art bag from Amazon (who knew that would be the answer to my prayers).

I organized my “clown closet” last year and its still working.  Organized my giveaway and stickers and face paints….and organized wigs, and shoes and socks and gloves.  It’s amazing what you can collect in ten years time.  I make sure that I am always using all the things….or I donate it.

There are parts in my basement, that we still need to go through.  After my son graduates from high school and before he prepares for college….we will be going through all the Boy Scout stuff and camping gear…..and lots of other things…what does he want to keep for someday….and what is he really over.  He actually is a bigger pack rat than his ten year old sister.

Today, I also tackled our file cabinet which houses bills for each year, taxes and I keep employee files.  That system I put into place several years ago….is still working Thank you Jesus!

As I worked and cleaned and purged today….the ONE thing that kept hammering away at me…..is …..me….that’s really what I need to improve on….so this year….I have already titled it “Just Breathe”…..and here are a few things that I’m going to try to accomplish this year.

Drink More Water—–so far, for the past three days I have done EXCELLENT! I fill up a jug every day of half a gallon of water and I add two TB of cranberry concentrate to it….and I drink it all day….and what I ‘ve noticed, is how much my body is craving it now that I have just started this.

Read More. I have like four books that I’m in the middle of….and I just need to be more intentional about it.

PUT MY PHONE DOWN!!! I have started doing this during the day.  When we are doing school here at home, and after I have checked the locator that my son is safely at school…..I leave it downstairs and play Pandora on my speaker…so that if a message comes in, I will hear it…but otherwise, I’m free to be so much more productive.  Don’t get me wrong, I totally use it for Pinterest when I’m throwing a crockpot meal together or ordering something from Amazon….but seriously….the black hole of answering emails from customers….or just being sucked into Instagram stories…..is seriously quite FRIGHTENING!!!!!

I just seriously need to get back on the reading more in my Bible program…..being more involved in our business….has kind of sucked the joy right out of my life….because I simply just don’t want to DEAL WITH THE MEAN PEOPLE…..but that’s life….and I just need to get my big girl pants on and deal with it.

Make more soap…..I LOVE making soap, and my business likes that I make soap….but again….its something that I ENJOY, so therefore…..I don’t do it as often…because there is always something more important to do….so this year….I’m going to try to be more creative and do some really fun soaps…and try to do at least two a month!

Do YOGA!!!!! Like at least three times a week! Seriously!!!!!!!

Find some fun things to do with my girl….just the two of us.  She loves to get a hot chocolate with me while I get my beloved Green Tea Lattee with light ice and one pump of classic syrup….its a beautiful thing….no matter what my husband tells you….it does NOT taste like fish eggs….:(

So, there ya go….that’s my plan! So, I will keep you posted on how it is going….but I have to say….perhaps by the time I’m 80 I will get this down.

Have a GREAT WEEK!!!!

Lately, I have been trying to find the quiet…..perhaps that is why I love January so much. I like the cold (as crazy as that sounds) and I like to just sit and plan….and think.  The crazy of December just depletes me.  I say things I shouldn’t, I buy things I shouldn’t, I eat things I shouldn’t…..and I bake, and I shop and I cook and I clean and I work….and each day I find myself saying things like “I hate Christmas”.  I shutter when I actually say the words….I really do not mean to say them….but…it pops out of my mouth.

December 25th this year….was quiet and lovely.  We spent a quiet day at my parents house.  She made dinner (which I felt horribly guilty about) but I had worked the day before until late and then had put a dinner on for over 14 people….and quite honestly….after pulling lots of overtime at our store….I didn’t have it in me. So, I was so grateful.  Christmas vacation has been wondrous.  We have slept in, we have gone to see places I wanted to see.  We have shopped glorious placed like Ikea, and Trader Joes.  I have had barbecue from Joes (because this is the essence of life in barbecue land). I have been able to clean and process and declutter….and tomorrow I will finish up the last pesky projects before we leap into a week of school….and I can find myself….finally gearing up again…..

Rest is so important….its so very important to reset. Owning a store where you deal with the public (and we have awesome customers).  I also spent some time ministering to the places that I enjoy (but again, I was spent). I had pushed my son to make good grades, pushed my daughter to understand math…..and paying bills, and managing groceries, and supplies…..and things for the store….and I felt that everyone needed a tiny piece of me.  My husband, my children, my employees, my dog….my everything….and what in the world could I possibly do to make them NOT NEED me……but…in truth, the same can be said for my husband….and my children….everyone needs something from everyone, which is why it is so awesome to have rest.

As we enter the beauty of routine….with the energy that we have found to continue on….I find myself coming back.  My sense of humor restored, raring to go and get busy with new ideas for work, and soap, and clowning….and homeschool….and all the things that buzz around in my tiny brain that keep me happy and hopefully others as well..

I pray you found rest in the break….and even though I know my children aren’t thrilled to be going back to school….I know that they are at least refreshed…and at the end…one of them will be done with several accomplishments….highschool graduation for one….and Eagle Scout as well…..may your last day of vacation be sweet….and may you have the energy to continue to the end of your race.

May the flu be far from all of us! Have a great one!

January…..I just love you.  So many things to look forward to and accomplish this year! My first child will be graduating from high school and attending college! We will be having an Eagle Scout ceremony hopefully soon.  My daughter is finally conquering division and multiplication…..and we just may have purged this house and got things where we want them….for now anyway 🙂

The older I get the more I realize that things don’t stay the same very long…and we can either get upset about it….or we can stay ahead of it.

In my business I deal mostly with our social media….which is in itself evolving into other things at maximum speed….and I’m excited about the challenge.  I was able to really hit the mark of where I wanted to be last month….and I was able to overcome some real challenges and that makes me feel really great….but as soon as I get comfortable in that….it changes again….and I’m behind again.

Same thing with my house…..get comfortable with the cleaning and organizing…and one night you realize that it all has gone crazy.

As soon as I get comfortable with my ministry….I realize that things go awry.  If I don’t change things than they won’t be engaged anymore.  I can’t just do the same things every time….and I have noticed that on the days that I think I completely flub up….it actually is one of their favorite times???? How is that possible????

The same things happens with friendships……as far as I can tell….I have let those things slip.  I have tried to live intentionally.  I really have. Last year…my best friend moved to India….my other close friend lives in New Jersey….and many of the other people that I have become close to over the years and in the last couple of years live in the south and /or the east coast.  My sister who I’m very close to lives 900 miles away from me.  The friendships that I have gained that are close to me here….we just are all so busy that no one has time or makes time to get together.  Last week the weather here was ridiculous….and by ridiculous I mean -13……as an actual temperature…..not a wind chill….an actual temperature! All I wanted to do each night…was eat M&M’s and curl up in a blanket.  My husband actually had to beg me to go test drive a car….a car that was for me…..and I just didn’t want to do it.  Of course now I’m happy that I did….but that’s just how bad it gets.

For this year….my theme for the year is….Just Breathe.  I even bought a temporary tattoo to place on my forearm to celebrate the occasion.  I just haven’t had the gumption (how old am I) to do it.

I want to live this year intentionally.  Purchases I make, do they benefit my home? Are they necessary? What trips can we take that will enrich us, refresh us? What do I need to do for self care? What do I need to do to rekindle friendships…..to reach out to friends….that hurt…that are lonely (that will never say it). What am I adding to our schedule that is helpful or is it just another something to fill the time….so I don’t feel the pain of no adult interaction?

I’m joined a group on Facebook that I really like.  I am able to get some really great ideas from….and there are some things that are really bad ideas….that I kind of giggle to myself…and then move on.  I follow Instagram accounts where I love to get some even greater ideas. I so love watching different ways of doing things….but here is something that I’ve noticed that is a bit scary.  First of all, I’ve noticed a trend that everyone is decorating their houses the same….I mean….carbon copy….same.  I have noticed that people who really don’t posses the skill of decorating….are asking people how they did…and some are ruthless in their reply….and as I read these things….I just realized….how sad is it that instead of actually talking to real live people that now we have entered into the phase of social media friendships.  It made me sad….

When I started out with decorating or figuring out my house….my sister, my friends….gave each other ideas.  We talked about it….went to each others houses….and dreamed.  We cut pictures from magazines and shared them with each other (we were doing Pinterest before Pinterest was cool). I had folders for different rooms, different ideas….and my house was pretty darn cute I have to admit…..but I also have to admit that I also made some pretty scary mistakes with my first apartment….and if I would have taken pictures of it and had it on social media I can’t imagine how people would have reacted….or how that could have crushed me to continue on.  At the age of 43, I really do not care what people think of how I dress or how I decorate, because I am confident in what I’m doing.  I can’t say that I have always had that confidence….in fact, far from it….that is something that doesn’t really come around until after our 30’s.  So, I say…take the time to pick up the phone….write it in your organizer….or in your phone (I still like things on paper). Make the time for the human interaction from behind the screen….lets take things back from where they are going….lets say things to people instead of typing….lets have the fun conversations. This is my goal for 2018.  To Breathe, Reconnect, and no matter what everyone says….my kid does not have to be involved in a million things to be well rounded…..that is just a FACT….and I don’t have the strength to sit through a million games of a sport my child has no intention of ever playing again.

So….breathe, interact….and get back to basics 🙂

So, yesterday I was able to finally take down my Christmas Decor….and I have to tell you that it was so awesome.  I only have 11 boxes of decor now….and I have to tell you that I’m so sad that it has taken me so long to figure that out….that less is more.  That my house still looks just as amazing with 11 boxes of decor, as it did with almost 50 boxes of decor. Our Christmas is still magical…and my kids are just as happy….in fact, they are happier….because we are done with putting up decor in two hours….instead of all day. The decor still sits on the front porch, along with our Christmas lights (and they will stay as long as we have zero to below zero weather). Today….began our trip to Ikea (its been two years) and it was just as lovely as always.  I never have enough time….but I had a list….and I stuck to it.  My daughter has outgrown her cute little chair….and we needed supplies for starting up with school again.  It was a worthwhile trip…and one that I enjoyed with my girl!

On my way home….I was reflecting on how that today was the last day that probably I would have two kids in the car….going on an errand with me.  We had stopped at KC strings to have my daughters violin serviced…and again we had been asked the question that stops everyone in their tracks….”Where do you go to school?”…..my daughters sweet voice “I am homeschooled.” The look….we all know the look….and we hold our breath….yes….I make my own soap…and sometimes my own bread…but my kids are used to speaking to other people….and we let them out of the basement every once in awhile (please note that that is sarcasm) 🙂

I was realizing today….the things that I have not done with my daughter….that I missed with my son….and guilt….it washes over me almost daily.

Guilt…all these amazing activities that I am not able to take my daughter to…is she missing out? I’m called to our place of business..so there is only so much free time that I have.  The other days we are doing school, or working on charity work….or participating with church activities, or her beloved American Heritage Girls….and I say to myself…how could I possibly fill this up with more?

I look at my son….he is finishing his last year of school at the local public school….I think about all the mistakes I have made.  I should have had him work harder in math, or do more in writing….I didn’t have him read enough….or this or that….and the guilt continually goes on.

Here’s the truth….we as homeschool Moms have this constant need to never feel happy.  We feel that we have to work harder than anyone else.  We feel guilty that our kids might not possibly be social enough, or work hard enough in school…..we didn’t join enough clubs…or we needed to drive an hour away for our kids to get in a better sports program. I say UNCLE!

I as a parent….taught my kid to read, do math, write in an expressive and grammatically correct manner.  My child knows how to clean bathrooms, clean his room and drive.  He can balance a checkbook, he makes good grades….and he doesn’t seem to be socially damaged.  He can argue effectively….seems to have a good head on his shoulders….owns up to his mistakes….and seems to want to do the right thing.

Perhaps I should have spent more time going over music and art appreciation.  I should have spent more time reading more books and learning more in literature….I should have started with a better tutor for math….I should have allowed him to go to a public school two years earlier than I did….or maybe I should not have??? I will never know.  I look at my daughter…and wonder if  I should focus more on this or that…or put her in more activities..

I am never happy….I feel this urge to constantly have people say….you did it! You did a great job….but why? Why do I feel this urge….this need….this panic????

My theme for this year….is “Just Breathe”

When we do school each day and enjoy our curriculum…..I’m just going to breathe.  When my son goes to school and decides on the college and his major….and goes off to school in his car….and waves goodbye to me….I’m just going to breathe. When my daughter gets up in front of her American Heritage Girls troop and runs to the front like I’ve never taught her how to walk properly….I’m just going to breathe.  When she stands up with her violin and performs for her recital….I’m just going to breathe.  When my son runs for track….I’m just going to breathe.

There are no gold medals given to Moms on the sidelines…..only to our kids…..and my value and worth….is not in how well my kids have done in life.

I as a homeschool parent have done things to the best of my ability and knowledge at the time I had the decision and time to do so.  If I could go back…there are things that I would change….but there are many that I would not.

The best days of homeschooling….was when I decided to learn about composers…and I would read about them as they would color the pictures of the composers and we would listen to classical music….they became close to one another…and truly learned a lot.  It wasn’t anything at all that we had to do….it was just something that I wanted to achieve.  The beauty of homeschooling comes in the times that I have decided….to Just Breathe.

To my fellow homeschool Moms….we got this….Just Breathe.

Yesterday morning at church I was cranky…..the weather is ridiculously warm (the bugs are still alive). We have no beautiful snow….just brown everywhere. I have a list a mile long and like every Mom around the world right now I have absolutely no idea how it’s going to get done.

The Christmas music started playing….and since I work in retail and hear this music 24/7…..it’s like fingernails on the chalkboard to me. I just really can’t take it anymore. So, in my head I counted down the days to when Christmas was over, and when I would take down the decor….how I would decorate ( you know….clearly focusing on the Savior).

Then, out of nowhere….some magic happened. There was a young man who was mentally handicapped….and he was just excited to hear the music. He was in the aisle (our church is very large) he was in the main aisle, in the back. The song was “Angels we Have Heard On High” and he liked it very much. He danced and he clapped and he sang at the top of his lungs. I saw no one bothered by him (for which I was grateful) and he sang to the Lord and he was unashamed. I stood there….tears forming in my eyes. I could hear his off tune beautiful voice singing loudly “Gloria in excelsius deo”. My thoughts went back to the beautiful souls I visit at the UCP and how they would have been in the aisle with him. How that the imperfect….is what makes this season so beautiful. I had forgotten….it’s not about how tired I am….how clean my house is…how perfect my presents are wrapped….it’s about how the savior of the world….came….for the imperfect. Imperfect is beautiful….imperfect is when things get done….imperfect is when humble servant can touch the world. Go find the imperfect….go dance in the aisles…go enjoy the grace He has given us in His perfection….our imperfection is made perfect.

Merry Christmas!

Once upon a time there was a young woman who was celebrating her first Christmas with her two year old son, in her new shiny apartment, after burying her husband four months earlier.  She was very glad that Facebook was not invented….nor was Instagram, or Twitter, or even Snapchat.  People came to her door….it wasn’t posted on Facebook with her face and her adorable sons face surrounded by people that had done something nice.  It wasn’t Instagrammed….the exchange was simple….Here you are….Merry Christmas…..we are praying for you….and they left me….I mean, they left the young woman.

Obviously….this story was about me….my first Christmas after my husband had died…after being separated for two years.  My dream of a happy reunion and a happily ever after…in shambles.  I hated Christmas that year….and after my son was at my parents house celebrating with them….I took down every piece of tinsel and good cheer I could possibly find.  I wanted nothing to do with joy….happiness….and I guess that is what disturbs me so much about this time of year.

The people that you and I minister to….are either in the muck and mire of the worst time in their life….and the last thing in the world that they need is YOU taking their picture and showing it on Facebook….about how you surprised a family, brought a meal, shoveled a driveway…..showed a little bit of humanity.

Perhaps this sounds harsh….perhaps….you haven’t stood where I stood….perhaps you have never HAD to take the gift that was offered to you? As a child, I always thought that would be the coolest thing to get and get and get….but as an adult….I took great pride in the fact that I bought my sons presents with my own hard work….and I was grateful when my family and friends and strangers gave ME something….but I have to tell you….if I would have had to pose with people and have my face plastered all over the media….it would have crushed me.  Perhaps that means I’m vain….but perhaps…we should do nice things…..just because we are nice people.

Last night…my daughter and husband helped with something around town….and I wanted my husband to take of a picture of her doing it….and he refused.  At first it made me mad…but then he just said…you know why. …and I did…but she looked so cute I’m sure….but I don’t have a picture of it….but God does.  That has to be enough….because here’s the truth….

I will not get an award for the good that I do here on this earth….most of us won’t….but do we do the good we do because we need a trophy? We need recognition? Or do we do it because there is a burning desire in all of us to continue to do what God has asked us to do….go to the lonely and the forgotten.  Go make an impact….in the process….the rewards come so much so in the shadows.  The things I get to witness are so much greater than any reward man could ever give me.

In this season of giving…and good cheer….in this season of helping those who hurt….helping those who are in the muck…..have the private moment with them.  Have the moment that only can be seen by our Creator.  He makes the best moments, the best stories….we don’t need to photograph all of it…some of it….just needs to be felt…and every moment….no distraction….just FEEL it….just experience it.

Merry Christmas…..go…..do….FEEL….be….be the someone that no one else is…

Today, I can successfully say that we have accomplished what we needed to for school with my fourth grader.  We had a successful day! YEAH!

I came home from her violin lesson….and the clouds rolled in.  I have to say that even though I am an extrovert….I find myself becoming more and more an introvert.  As the clouds rolled in, I could feel the sadness roll in with it.  I guess if I’m being honest, certain Christmas songs remind me of other times…times when my baby boy was only a month old.  I was tired, scared….and my husband wasn’t coming home.  I was hungry, running out of milk and money.  I would rock him and as I did I would cry over his little body.  The tears falling down and we would sob together.  I was too proud to ask my parents for help, to proud to tell my sister what was going on.  I was scared….I had done everything right…and still…my life was in pieces….and I was left completely undone.

So, I don’t really like Christmas music….and some of the songs I do like…I hear too much.  Today though….my thoughts went back to a nursery with Boyd bears decorated….that my baby boy never really got to grow up in.  Today….his biggest worry is geometry.  My biggest worry for him….is everything. Next year, he goes off to college….and I’m not really upset that that is happening.  I’m more concerned about completely letting go.  I find myself trying to come up with things frantically….like, did I teach him how to wash his clothes enough, sorta iron….and wash dishes.  He can run a vacuum, I have given up on teaching how the dirty clothes go into the laundry basket….and I have given up on teaching how to properly make a bed…and I’m sorry to say….not sure he knows what a sham is and the difference between a decorative pillow.  I also  am not confident that he’s aware that bathroom towels should be hung after use….but you cannot put a Mom down for trying! I also can say….that I remain the ONLY one in this household that can change a toilet paper roll….seriously….and I even made them where you can just literally “hang” the toilet paper on it.  I also can’t tell you that he knows how to wear a winter coat or jeans in cold weather.  It is very possible that on any given cold day you can find him wearing shorts….I have tried to have a reasonable conversation….but I’m pretty sure when I speak he only hears dolphin sounds.

If there is anything I have learned raising children….it is….I know nothing.  God and I have lots of talks….and I am convinced that He’s as frustrated as I am….but He has WAY more children than I do.

It’s the most difficult thing in the world to let your kid get in their car and drive away…..especially since his father died in a car accident….it terrifies me….it used to almost suffocate me.  I would be in a panic until he was safe and sound where he was supposed to go that evening….but that is not how God wants me to live.  I finally was able to get used to him driving….then he had a silly accident ;( Then we were walking around a college campus….and I see all these distractions…and I just want to pack him up….get back in the car….and drive to a farm…where he needs to stay with us forever…join the Amish community….I don’t know….anything but this.  How can we be here already? I just got used to the routine. He used to be at home with me everyday….getting rid of yucky bugs or helping me open jars….now my Ellie and I have to figure it out alone…and she misses wrestling with him….and I have to say….I miss their fighting.. I miss his messes…I miss the endless dishes and bowls that I would find…the shortage of spoons because they were in his room.  I miss the smell of “boy” as we would walk by his room.  I miss the hugs as he towers over me…I miss his chubby hands when he was little telling me that “everything will be ok.” I miss him helping me grocery shop….I miss him cuddling with our dog….and those things will never ever be the same again.  He hasn’t left home yet…but every mother knows that their Senior year….they are never home…and its just the beginning.

I miss things that I haven’t even thought of yet….the endless bottles of half drank gatorade….the endless amounts of stinky shoes.

I can’t stand in the way….all I can do is continue to cheer from the sideline…celebrate his victories…help him to conquer his failures.  Encourage him through mistakes…and push him ever towards God.

What I want to do is sit and cry….and eat chocolate….but…there is so much good to come. I can’t lay down and fear what may come.  He is not mine….I keep saying that to myself….I keep muttering it like some crazy person….but he really isn’t.  God gave him free will….and he must decide what person he wants to be.

As for me….I’m gonna have a lot of projects next year….and probably stay on my knees…a lot.