Author: jme71te

Sunday night into Monday brought us 16 inches of glorious snow. I have been wanting a huge snowstorm for years and I am so excited it came to find us!

Many people are complaining….I admit it’s cold. I admit driving right now takes serious skill. I admit that I never thought I would see the UPS man again…but here he came right on down the lane!

Why I like winter: we are forced to be quiet….even nature hushes…snow is the instant ear muff. It shits out all the noise. Cars go slower or don’t come out at all…even the deer took cover. It forces us to read books, do puzzles, bake bread and make hearty soups. It allows us to make plans for the year on trips to go to or gardens to plan out. It forces us to organize spaces we haven’t had time to do…it forces us to just stop.

I look better in winter clothes than summer….that is an absolute fact. I hate sweating…I do not tan…I burn…and frankly….i detest bugs. You know what’s happening right now with bugs? Death….they are all dying….and I am thrilled.

Right now is my fave season….and I am already tired of the Negative Nellie’s….but you can complain all you want….but you still have to admit…that 16 inches of snow is a glorious sight…and we probably won’t get it again for a very long time.

I remember my childhood with soup on the stove and cornbread…a warm fire…Dad always had a fire going….if we lost power…Dad always had a way for us to be warm…somehow magically we had warm food and he always had some coffee going…we loved out in the country so we would lose power frequently. It didn’t really bother me because there were books to read and we always had a fire to be by…

We had amazing sledding….not with plastic sleds…the ones where we had to steer and we had ropes to hang onto…we had to have skill…and watch your fingers on the blades….we didn’t have snow pants we just wore lots of layer. No snow boots just rubber boots they went over your shoes. You wore these same boots when it rained. You worse several pairs of socks as well.

We had snow ice cream….not the yellow snow… avoid the yellow snow. We also would make snow men and use carrots etc….

We attempted igloos…never quite successful

Enjoy the beauty of the simple life that snow affords us!

I trust everyone had an excellent holiday season. As we move into a new year…we embrace January.

I love January….a time of planning and reflection. A clean slate…and empty and shiny new planners….

As I begin this new year my goals are many…but they aren’t exactly brand new goals…just expanding on the paths I’ve already formed.

This year finds me wanting to retreat….recover….and to just kind of rest.

Right now I am finding myself backing into the shadows, out of the spotlight…clowning has taken a huge step backwards….and I feel for right now that is ok.

This month all my appointments start back up again…all the bloodwork, all the tests….and if I’m being honest….I am terrified. I can’t think about a mammogram right now without crying….I have stuffed my feelings all year….and now….here they come….and I am forced to deal with it.

My Instagram feed is now gardening…some fashion…but mostly flowers and sourdough bread and homemade soap. I’m embracing embroidery and just ordered a new Kindle for myself…

I feel my shoulders relax when I scroll through pictures of beauty…nature…quiet…all of the things that make us go back to simple.

My parents always gardened. I remember winter nights they would go through catalogs and order fruit trees and decide what they were going to plant. We had a compost pile and my mother canned…and I guess that just feels so familiar I have to continue it somehow.

I love plants and flowers and baking sourdough bread…I love making cold processed soap …it gives me joy to decorate my home…it makes me smile when laundry is going and bread is baking and birds come to eat from my bird feeders.

In the chaos and tears….in the puddles of awful messes…I find that the only way I can pull myself out…is to go back to the simple…

Our bodies are fighting….the stresses of my job and life are beating me down….and in order to not go under…there must be a distraction…my hands must get in the mix of soil…I must feel the dirt…I must see things grow…

I must retreat….and for now that feels weird…I am not on a stage of any kind right now…it feels strangely quiet….I feel like I should be going someplace but there’s no place to go.

For the first time in 21 years I find myself with time to read, plan and be present in the lives of my family….and that for the first time ever feels like I am cheating…like I am being lazy….bit I think this year would be best described as Recovery…

I trust this year you love yourself enough to heal the hurt to heal the sickness, the trauma, and to realize that before we can help anyone else…we first must be sure to help ourselves.

I did it….after I kiss his cheek and tell him I love him I get back in the car as quickly as possible….because the tears are falling. He always looks back and I always wave…I give myself until we are out of the airport to cry…and then I allow no more tears.

This is what having adult children is….you must allow them to fly…you must allow them to be happy in their lives…you must allow the joy of that independence to be your trophy that you did a good job with your adult children.

When they come home have their favorite foods, make them a basket of some sort of their fave snacks waiting in their rooms…make the house cozy, their rooms inviting. Be patient with their towels everywhere and their dirty dishes…make their favorite foods…hug them often…

Hopefully we will see our adult children again in March and maybe another time this summer….

I am thankful for FaceTime and texting….things I didn’t have when I was in college….

Now back to resting before we reset and do inventory and take down all the Christmas decor at home and work….I am grateful to have money to pay all the bills and can’t wait for all the projects I have planned for the year.

How do I cope with my adult children being gone? You reinvent yourself…you try new things…you don’t sit around and mourn for their childhood….you enjoy where you are…:

I am sure this sounds horrible but I have no desire for grandchildren right now…someday…maybe…but for now let’s just enjoy where we are!

When this girl goes off to college I will need a million projects

Today I was able to clean my house…go through my closet, and vacuum and mop my floors. Ribbons were on the floor…everything was everywhere…I hadn’t even picked up the decor for the table settings from Christmas Day.

Retail holiday work is a tired like none other…and I am happy to finally have a Saturday where a little napping is in order.

Today was the last day of my adult son being with us until he heads back to DC….its been a complete whirlwind and I am thankful for the time. He wanted to see the movie Mufassa, one of his fave movies Lion King from his childhood.

I think right now everyone is in a hurry….quickly take down Christmas and organize….and rush out to take advantages of sales….and this year….I am not that girl….

It takes discipline to just be….I like nothing more than neatness and organization. I know right now I’m overstimulated…judging by the things I threw out of my fridge and my closet…I would say I am ready for less.

This year: back to the rower, more walking, trying to read through the Bible this year, become a flower farmer for myself…raise actual vegetables we can eat, do some embroidery and learn Spanish so that I can travel easier instead of relying on Google Translate.

I have taken down a lot of Christmas and intend to get rid of the things I didn’t use…trying to simplify.

As we turn the page and end the chapter for this year….may I say that 2002 was the year that was horrible for me….but this year has been especially hard and I am not sad to say goodbye.

This year…if it brings you peace to sit in the flickering lights do so….if you need all the cozy you can push into your home…I will not judge you. I’d you need it up by December 26th…I’ve been there…I see you.

Tomorrow my son gets on a plane and heads back to DC….we hope to fly there in March…..and I have to put my big girl pants on….let the tears flow while at the airport and when I exit the tears must as well….because I can do hard things….

So can you!

Can we believe it’s over? I personally am still on Christmas time…working in retail we work 10-12 hour days go home and eat and collapse in a chair…go to bed and get up and do it again tomorrow. When you make magic for others…your magic comes later.

Christmas Eve I bought gingerbread houses for all to decorate…my house was in crumbles but everyone else got to decorate theirs and we had a lovely time

We had a separate party judge….and the winner won this amazing gingerbread medal

We had lovely homemade chocolate my husband made. It was sooo good!

Christmas morning was lovely….i made a breakfast casserole that they all loved…we opened presents…

Tonight we finally went to see the local lights… not sure last year we ever even went. We ate some Mexican…we went and dropped off packages to our friends and family….we took a walk…we napped…it was lovely.

My list is long….return things my husband didn’t like…do inventory…go see my father at the retirement home…take down Christmas around the 7th….

The older I get, the more I realize this one simple fact. As an adult I can take down Christmas when I please…and there is no one saying it needs to be down by December 27th…if that’s you….cool….but in our house we haven’t seen it much…so we like it up longer.

For now, we clean…we organize, we still drink out of Santa mugs….

We nap and we plan for the most amazing month of the year….January.

This year we have big plans! Stay tuned!

Tonight my husband and I went to get our one and only son…my firstborn. He was flying in from DC. As we drove through the pickup area where we all wave to our loved ones and embrace…I knew that those of us with adult children, this was our version of Santa. I caught a glimpse of my reflection….my smile…my true happiness in seeing my adult child waving back at me.

On our way home to hear him talk with my husband and myself…to just sit and enjoy.

There are many Mommas who don’t have that this Christmas…some adult children went to their husbands family….or they have work duties…and some are on the other side of heaven….

Some Mommas walked the craft aisles of Hobby Lobby and realized the little voices and messy paint and glitter are nothing but a distant memory…echoes in our mind as we try to remember. It’s why I keep my old kitchen table with all its markings and paint I can’t get off…

There are children who are facing their first Christmas without their parents or one parent…and there is no cure for that hole of vast emptiness.

My Dad always picked my orange for my stocking…I never appreciated that until my sister told me how special an orange was for my Dad when he was little…what a rare prize that was…and now I would give almost anything to have one more real conversation with my Dad…but for now I will take the bits and pieces.

This year I will not miss….it has brought pain and sadness for so many….but tonight I am grateful for all the good and even the bad…because it has shown me all I have to be grateful for.

I was gifted a lovely little frame with a beautiful saying from my Secret Santa….and it brought tears to my eyes….

I think at that moment I felt seen….

I have done hard things this year…..and at that moment I felt that someone was saying….I know it’s been hard but I am proud of you.

Most of our battles are fought alone….when my first husband died and I had a toddler to raise and had days where I wasn’t sure how I had strength to keep going….somehow I reached down inside and pulled up my big girl panties….but really my son kept me from giving up…I could not quit.

When I did radiation and learned to count the rotations …I was alone…I had to fight alone. Then I either went home or back to work….and no one besides those close to me…knew how terrifying it all is…:

Have you sat in the cancer center? If you are like me whether you like it or not…people are just drawn to me and tell me absolutely everything….I think they know they are safe with me…and sometimes people just need to vent. Bald heads that walk by are badges of honor. Here you will not hear much about the weather….most of us are happy to be here….many know how delicate life is…it is not promised…it weighs on all of us who walk through those doors.

Every month when I go to the pharmacist and she announces the drug I am taking to keep my cancer from returning….I know I should be grateful…but for a moment….anger surfaces….as I watch people drink Diet Coke by the gallons and shove fast food down their faces…and here I am with my sparkling water…really feeling that I am living the life. Or seems unfair…I wonder what I did wrong.

Life is never fair…there are many who fought harder than I…who have endured much more pain than me…and in the end…they lost the battle way before they should have…and their family has to fight through the huge gaping holes their family members leave behind.

As I wrap presents this year….I wonder if the 2023 me would have believed all the 2024 me did?

I will not lie and tell you how happy I am to kick this year to the curb…but I also can’t say that I didn’t learn a lot about myself…and that I can do really hard things…and this year….I plan to kick some more you know what!

Now go and enjoy your Christmas!

I try to think back to the first time I learned about loyalty….I am sure it began on the playground of a private school where friendships were made and alliances formed. Where enemies were made and conquered as we played Red Rover and freeze tag.

I have always been a faithful and loyal friend…to the core….but once you stab me in the back…I am done. I’ve done this with boys….and I’ve done this with friends. I may smile at you and say hi…but you will not get a personal conversation from me again. I have been burned before. I have had and still do have people who outright lie about me and my family….and there is something about the age of 50…. Where I am just going to tell you, I do not have time for the nonsense.

Living in a small town we can’t hate everyone….we can’t act like we aren’t speaking to all people who upset you. That isn’t at all how God would ask us to behave…He asks us to love one another….but I do believe He does not command us to be walked all over. I believe that friendship has many different cycles. When I include you into my circle I allow you into my home, my business….my children and my husband. When you betray me or speak lies that circle is closed and you are no longer inside the circle…..

In return, I am extremely loyal to my friends. When I hear bad being spoken of my friends in rooms they are not in….I will speak for them…I do not like mean girls and gossip…I don’t have time for it…and frankly I don’t put myself on a high enough pedestal to put any thought to it.

This is a season of hardship and trials….I am grateful for life….I kicked cancers butt and am still fighting ….I am still in the ring….and frankly, I just am done with caring what others think of me. God is in my story…God will fight for me.

This holiday season is difficult for many….many have recently lost loved ones and many are dealing with recent losses as well…loss doesn’t have a timetable….the gut wrenching pain of losing a loved one isn’t easily healed.

We had our store party this past weekend….and even though not all associates could be there we had a very good time …we had a gingerbread theme this year.

Today and tomorrow are my days off and then we are in full swing for Christmas at the store.

I am thankful for the loyalty of our customers and how they support us. I am thankful for those who understand how hard we work to be honest and fair and do our best to find the best quality for our customers. It means the world to us. We also know that without their loyalty we would not be able to in turn support our community through several charities that we support …so we thank you for supporting us so that in turn we can support them.

Making our community a better place is always our goal.

Thank you to those of you who understand that, we so appreciate your loyalty.

May your Christmas be Merry and may your friends and family be loyal….such an important quality to have.

This past week I have heard of a college acquaintance who died from a brain tumor and a personal friend that I have had direct contact with, but not in many years, pass away from a rare type of cancer…

I sit here in sadness….many of us who have lost people that we love way too early….are familiar with the long road that grief gives us…and hitting before Christmas just seems cruel.

I met Laura at a church I used to attend…she was quiet…never spoke in anger. Had a hilarious laugh…always spoke kindness to her children but if they got out of line…she had a tone that even made me pay attention. Never cruel, never loud…but get in line. When I first started training for a 5K in 2011 she would train with me in the mornings. She was an amazing seamstress. No one else made the ridiculous clown outfits I needed….she never batted an eye…they were perfect and I still wear them to this day….

Her husband was very talented on the keyboard…is a kind soul and doesn’t deserve to be without his wife he loved so much. She has two younger children that are around the age of my Ellie and sox other children who are around the ages of my older children.

Laura was kind, she spoke kindness, she was humble, she was private…she didn’t like a fuss. She loved her children deeply…she homeschooled all of them…it is not fair she is gone. It is not fair she suffered.

This year has been a year I am glad to see the end of. I know so many of us have just had a horrible year and I feel like a bloody and bruised carcass…like I’ve run a marathon…and I’ve been pushed down so many times…but I keep getting up.

Maybe I am jealous of Laura….her race is done. She has hugged Jesus….she is walking streets of gold and feeling good….her tears have been wiped away…she is whole. No worries for her anymore…no pain.

I can honestly say I know my race isn’t over…and I don’t want it to be…but I would like a year without cancer….not every appliance in my house to need to be replaced or fixed….

I would like a year pass on hot flashes and meds. It would be great if things would work when they should….cars would not have the most expensive thing on them break…and I never imagined life with all the dog poop, along with holes in my underwear…anyone else have that dog that does that? No,? Just me?

Joy comes in the morning…..

I am grateful for life….I am grateful for health…I am grateful for cooling blankets…

I am grateful to know that this is not my home….I’’m just passing through…my treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue. The angels beckon me from heavens open door and I can’t feel at home in this world anymore. Oh lord you know I have no friend like you…if heavens not my home…then lord what would I do…

Yes, I sang that….sometimes my upbringing just comes out.

I look forward to talking to my Dad when he no longer has dementia. I look forward to seeing him whole again…I look forward to seeing all those who went before me….

For now….steady….rest up….take the water break…get a new sweatband….but gear up….we aren’t done….let the tears flow….let yourself feel the pain of life…become stronger, not weaker. Never give in…never give up….never quit loving….even when it hurts. Never stop giving of yourself…never stop being vulnerable…just never stop.

I will treasure these two clown outfits for always…and I will always remember Laura who made them….perfect…..and all the laughs I get….because of her.

I have always been amazed at how when I visit someone’s home and I let them know immediately how much I love something in their home….and how surprised they are to hear me say it.

Letting people into our home is a vulnerable thing. We are letting them into our very private spaces and that can be a bit terrifying.

I grew up with very wealthy people surrounding me and I always felt very inferior. My parents had a beautiful home but I never felt that we were good enough. It felt really great when my highschool friends would come over and compliment our house.

I have no idea why we as women can walk into a beautifully decorated space and say absolutely nothing. A lovely decorated table….nothing.

Does it hurt to give a compliment

I have always tried to tell people how I like a sweater, or their hair, or their shoes….and I even had a lady stop me in the parking lot…she said to me ….not to be weird or creepy, but I absolutely love your hair….and two months later I still think of it and smile.

I was at a sale and a lady came over and told me I was an amazing keyboard player….that was two years ago….

Can I go on living without getting compliments? Of course I can….I clearly have gone on living….but doesn’t it just give you such a boost when someone does…when someone acknowledges your hard work, your great taste…your sense of style.

Christmas is a time of year when all of us who live to decorate shine….this is our time….it is our moment.

There are people who hire people to decorate, who have no desire to mess with it…who think it’s a waste of time….

But Christmas is always special because of the beauty and coziness and all the smells that make the season so memorable.

So when you see someone’s house that is amazing please tell them….cute hair…say it….cute shoes….be the weirdo…..give the compliment. Make someone’s day!