Just a homeschool Mom, jewelry store owner, clown, and happy wife
Author: jme71te
A homeschool Mom who loves to make soap, decorate, and clown around. I also own a retail store as well. Follow me on my journey of clowning and of homeschooling and turning into a bit of a nature lover as well!
When my daughter was four….my Dad made an identical playhouse to the one that I had as a small girl. I loved that playhouse.
My Dad cut a heart in my playhouse when I was little using an old heart chocolate candy box…it was always my favorite feature in my playhouse and my daughter loved hers as well.
She enjoyed thinking she was helping him as he built it!
I will always remember his strong hands and how he could build anything.
My son after we primed it one day
This was the original….
My husband had to tear it down because it’s rotting….I stuck my head in the sand for too long. I could have given it to someone else but I did not want to think about it. Even though he warned me he was tearing it down….I felt like I was punched in the gut when I saw this…
But my heart rejoiced when I saw this…..
That’s all I need…..a reminder of my Dad and his love for me and his granddaughter. in a time when life made sense and I had no idea how lucky I was.
So for now…..she goes in my garden with a spotlight shining on her…..because that’s where I want it….
I am lucky to have a Dad who loved me like he did….and even though he doesn’t know me anymore when he sees me….he does know he likes me…because love can be felt…it can be sensed….it needs no explanation….it just is.
Today I was able to stay home the entire day and complete projects and work from home and it was as absolutely divine as you can imagine. I was even able to finally get back on my rowing machine today and that felt really good to do.
We had an extremely busy weekend but absolutely all good things. The week was busy with three separate doctor appointments and then followed by a test that was a piece of cake but still nerve wracking….then I was able to have some fun.
I clowned at a huge Carnival for a local school and did a ton of balloons and I loved it soo much.
Then the next morning we walked for the Paint the Parkway Pink walk and I was able to walk with friends and family….
It was nice to walk with my sister….we did this walk back in 2012 for her right after she had finished chemo..
And then we did it again on Saturday.
It felt odd this year to be given a survivor bag….and I looked out at the crowd of women carrying the same bag. It gave me hope….but it made me sad that so many women have suffered but so thankful we are all still here.
That night we went to a wedding of one of our staff members and it was lovely to be together outside of work.
Today felt weird….as happy as I was to have beautiful weather and a day to accomplish all I wanted with no appointments, my heart is heavy for the people who live in the areas that I loved and lived as a college kid. My heart has been heavy….and my prayers go out to my dear friends that live in Florida and I am praying that this storm just veers away….and my friends will be safe and sound.
It felt weird just doing normal things like making ghosts for my front porch ….but I know I can’t do anything but pray.
I think the hardest part of trials is when you watch someone else walk it….I always want to take away the pain of others (well most people). I can’t stand to see people suffer.
When I walk through a trial it’s one thing but to watch others do it is completely different.
I feel all of us are in this position right now…no matter if it’s a hurricane you are living through or a loss of a job, a sudden serious illness, a parent who is failing in health….a child who is sick….we all play this game… it is called life.
We are all incredibly strong….and we can do incredibly hard things.
My father is dying….my time with him is short….
But I can still clown at a carnival and make kiddos smile….
It’s this place I practice going to…it’s where I went during cancer treatments….
It’s called my survival mode…..
Today I made ghosts….
And soap..:
And I made meatloaf, and scrubbed floors and did laundry and other things that must be done.
In the mundane I find peace….and I know that He will make all things new again.
This pain of this life will only last for a bit….
Find joy when it’s hard to do so….that’s when you need it most!
I wish I could write a fabulous blog post with sunny days and pumpkin pleasure….for now….I write what is my life.
Life was never promised, life was never supposed to be easy…life is a gift and there are years that are easy…and I wish I would have taken the time to really cherish those days. Instead I felt those days were owed to me….and never took the time to truly embrace them.
This week I have worked a lot with one more day to do so….I have been to the cancer center for appointments three separate times…I have driven to a town far away to see my Dad who doesn’t know me right now….
However, this week this is what I will concentrate on. I am grateful to have had a Dad who I loved with all my heart and was always goodness and kindness to me and took care of me always. I will never forget how much I loved my Dad.
I am grateful for loving nurses and an amazing staff at the Cancer Center who treat me with love and respect every time I enter their doors and always remember my name.
I am grateful for medicine that gives me life….allows me to clown at school carnivals in the fall….and walk with friends. I am grateful to be able to go to weddings and the lake with friends.
I am grateful for fall days and pumpkins and perfect weather and the perfect shade of mustard for my front door.
I absolutely thought that once radiation was over I would recover and leave this cancer stuff behind….I had no idea I would have to see my doctors as often as I have….none.
How do you make this normal? I guess it’s like everything….you adapt….you regroup…you press on.
There are days I pout….today I seriously considered something radical so I didn’t have to take this medicine….but in the end I regained my senses. .
Count the gifts….do it on the days you don’t feel like it ….when you drive home from the Rest Home to see your Dad who didn’t know you….the days your arm hurts, your body aches and you are so tired you want to sleep forever.
Life is an amazing gift either way amazing experiences….there is more for me to do. Press on!
I cried a lot last night….went to bed too late….alarm went off and my body said….nope. I got up at 6:15….annoyed. Got to work at 8 instead of 7:30….on my day off because that’s how it rolls when you own your own business.
Accomplished a lot in two hours and then headed to the cancer center to pick up my solution to drink for the CT Scan. I should stop in there everyday…the three receptionist still have their chickens…still remember me…compliment me….they are special. They remember the names of all the cancer patients that walk through those doors…and they made something scary feel like it would be ok.
Made it through my CT scan with flying colors….weirdest sensation ever….I thought I had peed my pants but the nurse assured me I indeed had not…my scan was clear….and that’s a relief.
I look back at the last seven months and the things that used to bother me that now I do not think about.
This place now gives me comfort….it is like a club we never wanted to join but all the nurses I have ever had here have been such a treasure….I have to meet with two oncologist this week….and it no longer bothers me.
These don’t bother me….and I am glad for pretty tattoos…they hide the blood.
Right now I feel like I am on a ship that is sinking very slowly….things aren’t bad….they aren’t awful…they are just hard. There is no security in anything. I feel that everything is uncertain. I can’t think of my Dad without crying so I do my best to not think about him.
I worry about the store and groceries and bills…like every other American does right now and I wonder will it always feel this way?
I think back to Covid and I feel as I did during that time….very uncertain…..
How do you find peace and joy in uncertain times and uncertain budgets? How do you not have your stomach wadded into worry daily…..
You count the gifts….you keep going….you enjoy…mums ♥️
Today I went to see my Dad….I went to pick up my Mom and then the two of us along with my daughter, made the short trek.
The nurses are familiar with is. I have been pleased with how kind they are to him…
Dad is not eating well. Today he slept a lot during our visit and didn’t know me at all. He recognized Mom. I thought he would get excited about the Chiefs game…but he was not.
I had my son FaceTime and for the first time ever he didn’t know my son….it was hard for him I could tell.
Trey tried to talk Royals making it to the Playoffs on such a long time and he was not interested…which is so ridiculously unusual.
When you deal with a parent with dementia you go through this hell that is indescribable. I am not sure what is more painful than your parent not recognizing you at all….and then bit by bit….all the things you talked about with them….slowly get pulled away from their memory.
Memories you had….they don’t remember. So you sit there and watch them sleep….and wish you could talk to them.
You have visitors who come in uninvited due to them not knowing where they should be as well…my daughter once again jumped right up and helped the sweet little lady find her way back to her room.
Dad wanted to sleep in his bed but I had to deny him that due to it being too close to dinner and he has not been eating well.
So I wheeled him down in the wheelchair ….knowing he probably won’t eat tonight…because I am like him…when I am sad I do not eat…but when I am happy and stress free I certainly enjoy food.
So on the long drive home my daughter slept which gave me time to be alone with my thoughts. It was the golden hour..my favorite time of day…and all the memories of childhood came back. My Dad in his grey Chevy truck. His arm always out the window so it was always darker than the other. We would talk about everything. We would sing silly songs…..when we would get home I would do homework and then eat and then do chores. Sometimes I got to help feed the horses…and the stupid goat Ellie May….i named my goat something sensible like Heidi…and my sister named hers Happy. Even though she is eight years older than I I found that name to be so silly…Heidi made perfect sense…doesn’t anyone read anymore?
Dad could talk long and hard at anyone with anyone….and now ….that person doesn’t exist.
When I got home my husband asked me if I was ok….I shook my head yes….:
However….as it always goes….11:00 at night my tears began to flow..:and here I sit on my couch at 12:24 on a Sunday night….knowing 5 am comes quickly….
And I am thankful for the memories….but Dementia I hate you sooo much!
The cake my Mom made when I was four. She made all our cakes growing up….that one had clowns on it and I’ve been smitten ever since!
I do not talk about my old high-school often. It is hard to explain it….when I do…I feel that people get man confused with Jesus, and even though Christian was used in the name of our school….most of us knew that God was not pleased.
There were years of abuse for many students. Teachers and principals who disciplined with no love. I saw fellow students yelled at and thrown up against lockers. We had demerits and they were given for talking too much, chewing gum…I can’t tell you how many I received for chewing pen caps.
I was in trouble constantly….told that I was bad and that my heart was impure. I was told I wouldn’t amount to anything….and so it is with strange feelings that I felt when I saw these….
In a strange way it makes me happy….this place can’t hurt any others.
The rest of us still struggle….some got out without scratch….others walked away from God entirely….
I struggled with my faith but when my first husband died I felt the presence of God and He has walked me through one fiery trial after another…He is real….He is love…He will not allow evil to prevail in His name. He has nothing to do with that school….legalism did…
A verse we said daily at school “whether you eat or drink or whatsoever you do….do all to the glory of God.”
I have wondered often….how did the leadership say that without being convicted of how they treated students….all in the name of Jesus……
I think this vacation was harder for us to come home because we don’t normally get a full vacation. We have never experienced a vacation where employees didn’t bother us…it was irritating because we were bothered by ones that don’t even work for us anymore….and they both knew we were on vacation….but this is how it always seems to go.
Idaho is a mix of Arizona and Colorado and unless you’ve been there you just can’t understand it. The beauty of nature is everywhere….
We live in a town with lots of trees so we enjoy the beauty of fall but we don’t have this….
I felt like I could breathe….coffee tasted better….and my stress went away. I could feel my body relaxing.
Today I picked up the dogs, had a grocery order delivered, we got laundry done, we unpacked suitcases. Made lists for next week….and so it goes.
I went out to check on my flowers….the deer figured out how to eat two more of my dahlias but one survived…
Thanks to my neighbor my mums survived….
Projects are lined up for this week..::and we have a lot to accomplish this week and next….hoping to hold on to that Idaho feeling a bit longer….
The Reluctant Red Nose 