Author: jme71te

I am in Idaho right now…we are here for a wedding…and it has been lovely. The next few days we will be sightseeing.

I am reminded how life has its ups and downs and it’s important to make sure that in life we are there to support people in the happy moments and the sad moments of life.

It would be easy for many to focus on hardships and terrible things we go through in life. I think many of us feel like the difficulties of life are even harder when we are around beautiful moments of someone’s life.

Focusing on ourselves instead of the beauty of an amazing moment on someone’s life is one of the most selfish things you can do.

One day, one event….surely we as a people can focus on someone else but ourselves for that day can’t we?

I remember in elementary school we had a friend whose Mom made awesome Bible covers for our Bibles…

I went to a private school and we had Bible class daily and chapel weekly….having a cool Bible cover was the ultimate calling card in the 6th grade. We coveted these and they were given as birthday presents and we all just adored them. Finally it was my birthday and I was soo excited….I went to open my gift and it wasn’t a Bible cover…it was a lovely stuffed bear and I loved it but I was soo confused in that moment. My expectation was for a coveted prize (it is not lost on me we should not be covetous and that’s in the Bible)

Now why do I bring that up? I truly have no idea why this memory popped into my head as it was literally 40 years ago….but I believe even as a kid I understood that focusing on the fact I didn’t get that Bible cover was a mistake. Instead my friend gave me a wonderful gift and my Mother who was a wonderful seamstress had made me a very beautiful Bible cover as well…so really I was luckier.

It is sooo easy to look at other and be sad at our own circumstances.

Why do they get to drive a Bentley and I drive a Nissan? Why do I have health problems and others eat sugar and never deal with any health issues?

Why are some people pretty? Others struggle in that department…..you name it….

But when you find yourself being the one that sucks the joy from all the rooms that happiness tries to go because you have not accepted the road you will travel…you will never be happy.

Last night I videotaped my family dancing and laughing and being together….and I beamed the whole time….because happiness and joy are all around us…don’t let the lies destroy your soul.

There is a time to cry…and there is a time to fight…but there is a time to heal…and joy always brings healing….

Today I was able to return to one of my fave things on the planet.

Eight months ago after meticulously planning and scheduling a few schools….I had to cancel every single appointment and I was very angry….

Since that day every single cancer surgery…treatment…this was one of the goals…to get back to Red Nose Readers.

After the three groups of kiddos today I came home and did some household chores and then collapsed on my couch and took a 30 minute nap. ….but I would change nothing…I wouldn’t take one less kid…I wouldn’t take one less class….I would not change a thing. Listening to them laugh was medicine…and my favorite kind.

Children will be honest with you…if they don’t like your program they will tell you…if they don’t like your costume they will tell you.

But thankfully, I was their jam today…and they want me to come back…and that is always the goal.

I will never be the most skilled and talented clown you have ever seen….but I will keep trying….and I will keep fighting.

Some days I feel we have lost this next generation….but other days I see….they just want to be loved…they just need to laugh…and as long as I am breathing….I will make it my life goal…to do just that!!!

And cancer….you didn’t win!!!!

Tonight we started back with our church group that we are very close to….we have about twelve of us in a group and these people are like family….they know my secrets….they know what makes me tick…and in spite of that they still love me.

Today was a hard day of owning a business…and I would love nothing more than to live in a cabin in the woods far from television…and debates. I would love to make soap every day and just sip coffee in the morning…but that isn’t reality.

There will always be people who lie about you…and hate you….and they will feel that those lies are true and will repeat it to all sorts of people around you…

There is a reason why women dislike other women. We tend to be jealous of success or when someone is in power. We say we support others but we spread lies, stir the pot, gossip, say mean things…attack appearances and then say…they can’t figure out why women build walls.

I learned long ago how to build your support team and who you needed on that team.

You need someone/ or a group of someone’s who will tell you the truth. Someone who will see your vulnerabilities and still love you. You need a cheerleader. Someone who respects you and your talents. Someone who will compliment your successes and cheer for you.

Women who ask about you when you don’t feel like talking. Women who check on you when you have cancer treatments instead of taking from you.

Women who know when you are talking but not saying everything you mean….women who know you are struggling and make it their mission to pull you up.

You do not need a large group….I have found the larger the group the bigger the betrayal….

I have close friends from all walks of life and from different areas of my life….

My clown friends and I text almost daily…my close friends from church we try to touch base twice weekly…and my friends from my childhood we check in periodically…..

I want to be a woman who builds up….compliments often. I try to always tell people (even strangers at the airport if I like what they are wearing etc). Compliments are something that are few and I know when I get one it makes my day!

How about we start a women’s movement where we build up. We have mutual respect, we don’t hold grudges. We aren’t mean and spread lies about others…we work things through. We don’t speak ill of someone because of looks or something else they can’t help. How about we applaud women and their successes instead of assuming only men can make decisions. How about we be respectful of women in their positions and not spew hatred about them because they have a leadership role which they never asked for and frankly really didn’t want. Why can’t we as women just be kind? How about we start that movement?

Last night I was hugged and loved on….they know the struggles I am having on this medicine, they know the struggles I am having with my parents…and they know they can’t fix it…but they hug me and they pray for me and there’s nothing more than I can ask.

Today is full of things I must do…people that work for me have no idea of the hours that I put in while not physically at work and….how we never stop working.

Tonight….I clown….and laugh…and leave the burdens that I carry behind. No one promised life would be easy….but no one said we couldn’t laugh as we go….

This is 50….and I am a Gen X….and I know how to pull up my big girl panties….now watch me do just that.

My husband and I went on a short weekend camping adventure this past weekend. There is a sweet camping site about 45 minutes from our house with very clean showers and bathrooms. It actually spoils you and sets the expectation very high for other campgrounds.

The name is Wallace Campground and it has very good memories for us…back in 2019 we decided to go tent camping for the first time in….well…since I was an adult (and that has been a few years).

Now we have outgrown the tent…we need to be able to walk the next day….and I admit…I must have air…or a fan…and a fridge….but most of all I need a real bed…air mattress will not do it anymore.

So we made the step up….and now we feel like we can do things….hook up a trailer and all the things…we are thankful for friends and family who have helped us complete newbies.

There has been a lot going on and this past weekend was no exception….having aging parents while raising a teen whom you homeschool and just taught to drive are not easy….owning your own business and working part time and volunteering makes me feel overwhelmed. Somehow though…the quiet of the woods…helps. Being still….

I have four appointments coming up in the next two weeks. Three of them with my new oncologist…one of them with my Radiation oncologist. If you had told me a year ago that I would have to go to the Cancer Center so much I would have cried…but now…CT scans don’t alarm me…I just keep swimming.

When I was young…I never even thought about cancer or that it would be in my family….we all seemed very invincible….now….

I take each day….and try to figure out what to be thankful for….

Today:

1. A clean dog x 2
2. My Dad is doing better at the retirement home and my Mother is doing better as well.
3. My husband, my children
4. My business, my staff
5. We have customers
6. Clowning and my encouraging clowning friends
7. Music and being able to play with a praise band.
8. Upcoming trips…things to look forward to
9. Fall is coming….

When you start making a list….those awful things in life seem bearable….count the gifts…there are many!

Today I took my dog Ozzie to the groomer….that resulted in four dogs, two cats…all barking…hissing at each other…but we all survived…and that made me think about us as humans…growling and hissing at each other. Fear of the unknown…but then finally figuring out that cats are ok…I guess🥴.

I returned home with a Starbucks Matcha that I used my stars for…and I was heavy hearted…a lot is going on and my heart is so heavy.

When I can’t make things better…I decided to do some things that I haven’t in awhile….

I made some soap…

Isn’t it funny how when your hands are busy, your mind goes to happier places….

I decided to try a new flour in my sourdough…we will see if that works…

Picked some of my flowers and cleaned…

I decided to also go big and clown….There is an event I’m going to that is a fundraiser for a charity they they asked me to clown at awhile ago…I was going to go real lite…but sometimes in life….we need to go big…we need to push ourselves past the comfort zone. I find such freedom when doing that!

I cannot control the mean things people say about me, or to me…or behind my back…but I can control making people laugh.

I can’t change circumstances or I would in a heartbeat, but I can make you think of something else for a moment. I can make you laugh…

I have walked the death of a spouse, breast cancer, and now aging parents….and there is no quick fix. There’s no “getting over it” you have to deal with the new reality each day. It isn’t fair…it will never feel “right”. The ache will lessen but never leave….

The hardest part of being an adult is learning that this is not a race you can stop…you can’t quit the race….you don’t have to keep running…you can walk or jog…you can skip….you can even stomp (somedays I prefer that). You cannot quit…life is a race and none of us know where our finish line is…

I hope when I die you smile when you think of me…I hope you wear a clown nose and laugh on days you don’t feel like it…and I hope that on days you feel like stomping…you remember that you didn’t quit…even though you wanted to.

I think I spend a strange amount of time thinking about death….perhaps because lately it surrounds me…it is in all my thoughts and all my dreams.

Since I was a small child, heaven was always taught to be on our minds. If you didn’t grow up in a Baptist church this may sound very foreign to you. I was brought up in a very legalistic church. My view of God as a child was to fear God. I did good things so that God would be pleased with me and always worried it wasn’t good enough. I know many friends of the Catholic faith and they have struggled with this as well.

God is a touchy subject…I have friends that believe in God and I have friends that do not and some are undecided.

I have walked through quite a few fiery trials…and am walking through another as we speak. God has given me the strength each and every time…and I can count the ways He has never failed me…but today…I am grieving…I am aware of this weird space between life and death we all live.

I have never wanted to talk to my Dad so badly in my entire life….I feel he is giving up…and I feel cheated…

I had fishing stories to tell him….even ones about the one who got away…

He always knew where to go to get things fixed…he installed lights and ceiling fans…built kitchen cabinets and my first playhouse…he could build anything.

He would race me to the car and always let me win but sometimes he let me feel he was gonna win but in the end I always pulled through….

He had a song he sang that I need to see if he can remember “I see the moon and the moon sees me” and I can’t remember the rest!!!

This is me, in the front, when we moved my playhouse to where we were going to live.

Now he is in the nursing home, my Mom is distraught about it…she doesn’t understand, and she’s never been away from him before…..

I used to fear death…but I know that someday when I get to heaven…

I picture this is how I will greet Jesus….all the whys will be answered…no more pain….no more tears….just joy. Then a visit with all those who went before me….

Is it not amazing how busy life can be….but somehow I feel amazing because we hand washed and waxed my car today after I cleaned it out. I washed my windows and we got the laundry done and pulled weeds….somehow I feel unstoppable.

I made all final prep work for our Idaho trip where my niece will be getting married…and I figured out all camping trips (there are three). I cannot tell you why my brain works the way it does but order is needed….I wish I was a person who could go with the flow but I cannot.

This weekend we celebrated a lot….we ate really great food, had too much sugar and took amazing hikes . I was soo happy to see a trail we have loved be completely renovated and now is an amazing bike trail in our town…I am thrilled.

We went to the place where my husband asked me to marry him 21 years ago…..

The weather has turned gorgeous…and we are here for it .

Today I needed a nap after all the decorating, cleaning and so on.

I feel overwhelmed most days….and things I thought would be an overwhelming big deal…is just a quick little convo…the word oncology doesn’t even scare me anymore.

I will not tell you it doesn’t overwhelm me….everyone has an opinion. Everyone has their idea of what quality of life is…that the good outweighs the bad….

Today I got to go with my daughter as she dropped this off at our local hospital for their Art Exhibit…

I am grateful….

Today she started her Junior year….

We are going to go camping this weekend….

We are going to Idaho soon…

Apples and pumpkins are coming…

So many good things….

This year we knew we had to celebrate….

We had my husband turning 60 and I turned 50 this year..::my stepdaughter 30. My Dad turned 90 and if my mother n law was still with us she would have been 100.

We wanted simple….we wanted just family…we didn’t want a huge fuss….just a little fuss.

I decided we all need balloons for our ages…

We all brought our favorite cake or pie…brought our pictures of childhood or baby…or whatever we wanted….

Because I am tired…I had a local caterer that I adore where they drop off and set everything up and then they come and get everything….and I love them….

This week was tiring ….I went with my sister to see my Dad….right now he has a huge fascination with his wallet….I don’t know why….when I opened it o found pictures of my mother…..

I asked my Dad who that was….without hesitation he said my Mothers name.

Life….I feel at times I am going to go under.

I keep hearing people that have quit taking their medicine for cancer and it came back….

I sometimes feel invisible and wonder if I should keep trying….is there any point?

I try to fill my jar as completely full as I can….hoping that I can distract myself from things that terrify me…and I wonder what the point is.

Sometimes I would like to go live in a little cabin in the woods….and the only thing that can find me is the Amazon Prime truck….so I can make soap and plant flowers….😬

I know I would be lonely quickly….but it would be fun to try for awhile.

This week we start back to school and all those activities…..

Quiet won’t find me for long….

This was written a few nights ago…

My husband and I are strange people. We don’t crave change but our lives seem to think we do…it makes us uncomfortable…it makes me lose sleep..I crave the normal…but I am constantly pushed beyond comfort.

My husband and I like to drive our cars for a long period of time…before our car purchase tonight…our youngest car was 9 years old…and we were ok with that…but my husband needed a “new to us” car.

As we were driving home in our purchase…with a much much lighter wallet….I closed my eyes…and was grateful…thankful…I enjoyed the moment for all its goodness.

Life beats us all up…it’s overwhelming…it’s frightening…it is at times….terrifying….but I try very hard to stop and take a moment to enjoy these things where God shows His favor.

Sunday…..

Today is Sunday….I have been exhausted all week…thinking it was just because we have had non stop lives….

Today I slept a lot…and I am still tired….

Monday…..

Today I do feel better. I called the cancer center and I am switching oncologist ….I don’t feel heard with my first one and to be on a drug for five years, I feel like I need to be heard.

From the first day I met him he said things that upset me and I should have spoke up for myself then and there but I did not. My Radiation Oncologist called my cancer for what it was….cancer. This particular oncologist who is to be in charge of my hormone therapy made me feel small from the beginning.

Many DCIS patients are dismissed and treated like they are less then…when in fact….we deserve a seat at the table like everyone else. This doctor likes to use the word “pre-cancer” it was like his favorite word. Inside I was screaming because I had just went through this with my surgeon.

I was diagnosed with DCIS in Situ which means the cancer was in my milk ducts of my left breast it had not become invasive…..if it had, I would have also had to do chemo. It was stage 0 Grade 3….grade 3 is what they are worried about….it means it’s fast growing…better stop it fast. It also can be passed to my daughter….they want her to start being screened at 25.

Instead I had a lumpectomy, 5 lymph nodes removed and then I have suffered with lymphedema and serious vertigo….followed by 20 rounds of radiation and then more OT therapy for my lymphatic system and then I get to be on tamoxifen for five years…..so that’s why I got mad…this wasn’t a tiny Bandaid that needed to come off…this was a lot. He even admitted that there was a gene that they hadn’t been discovered that my family had because 3/5 sisters was too many….

I have been on tamoxifen for almost four months and once a month for four days it’s debilitating….he didn’t care….he dismissed it. But now I am at a crossroads…..

From the beginning of this medicine I have said I would try it but if my quality of life is diminished than I would seek another drug. I am aware of the importance….my cancer coming back is always at the back of my mind…I’ve watched my sisters come back….I know it’s a real possibility.

I never want to be selfish to my family and not be with them as long as possible…but I am not sure sitting on the couch and feeling awful is the quality of life I want either.

We are coming into my favorite time of year….and I don’t want to miss anything…my list is a mile long and I keep getting further and further behind!

I switched to a new oncologist today that was recommended….I feel empowered that I have changed my course and am with someone who will help me navigate this better….

Please don’t be like me….listen to your gut….speak up for yourself….

There is more drugs than tamoxifen….there are answers….

I am grateful for modern medicine and those who are helpful in their fields….

The days seem long….but joy will come in the morning.

The last seven days have gone by in the fastest most colorful speed you have ever imagined.

I had one goal this time….to refresh my soul…to laugh…to heal….to realize that life is very good.

My goal this year was to use the hat during the Pie Fight….I have wanted to do it for years….and my wish was fulfilled.

The staff at Moose Camp knows I just kicked cancers ass and my close clown friends and nobody else knows which is how I like it….after Neal put the hat on my head and we got some serious height…they chanted my name….most of them have no idea how much those words meant…they were just being silly….but my heart needed it….and I was grateful .

I took a puppet course….

I was pushed but can’t wait to use this in my Red Nose Reader Program….

My clown besties and I enjoyed life to the fullest….

It was a time of healing and joy…..

I am grateful….

I did the color guard gag….it was a lot of fun!!!

Until next year clown besties….bump a nose….and see ya on down the road!