Yesterday I ended up having to work the entire day. We were very busy and by the time we went home I was exhausted. Today, I felt much more like myself. I got up and ran some errands, got my daughter from work and then my husband and I went to a place I have never been.
I haven’t been anywhere really for over a week….and I’m not even a fan of Reuben sandwiches but this Reuben was the best I have ever had. My absolute favorite thing is to find hole in the wall places that are quirky and have amazing food. This place definitely fit the bill.
We then went to get some coffee at one of our local favorite coffee shops….
We then went car shopping because we have this on our radar…..I am aware that this sounds like the most boring weekend in the world….but when for the last month you have had three procedures and one surgery…it felt like the most amazing day ever.
I have had dark days….it is hard to go through this….and I have learned who has my back and who doesn’t.
Twenty three years ago my first husband died in a car accident. At the time my son was two. I was dealing with the shock…and I simply will spare you the details of what transpired at his funeral but it was basically LifeTime material.
There are a few things I remember….my friend who picked out my clothes to wear and my sons and ironed them. She asked me when I had eaten and reminded to do so. She helped me pick out music….she intervened on my behalf in an event that no one should ever have to do. I have another friend who is no longer this side of heaven, and he and his wife were at the funeral….and there were some shenanigans goin on and I remember him looking at me….like….are you good? Do you want me to intervene? I remember my friends taking my son to the pumpkin patch….I remember people coming with Christmas cookies for my son to decorate..
This time i had a friend bring a huge dinner because she wanted us to have enough food to get through the weekend. I had a friend send me pajamas that button up that were so soft. Clown friends that sent me packages to make me smile, and special lotion to help through radiation. I have been sent cards, received texts and flowers from my kids, help with bandage changes …and a fun shirt to wear first day of radiation. I will not forget those who helped.
I will never ask for help or for dinner….and those that know me well know that. If you know me…you know to just do it.
These are things that I am trying to remember:
1. Never tell someone to let you know if they need something…..
2. Do NOT assume someone else is taking care of it.
3. Just because it is not life threatening does not mean it is not scary…:
Everyone likes to feel they are loved and appreciated especially when they are dealing with terrifying news
February 6th,2023. I decided to be a big girl and go to the doctor. Last year was a crazy whirlwind of travel and work and cleaning house within our business so my hours were long, and there was no time for the doctor. So, I met with her and we scheduled all the tests…and I told her I would like to do the mammogram and Pap smear and all the things in April….because I have a lot going on….and she said ok! Then the nurse came back in and had scheduled a mammogram for me for February 13th….which I was like….that’s not April! I scheduled it early…I wanted to get a lot of things done that day….with the next day being Valentine’s Day I needed to hustle.
February 13th arrived, I showed up for my mammogram and it went as well as ever….the nurse asked me before leaving if I have ever had an abnormal mammogram and I told her just once and then I went about my day….and decided to walk my dog on that glorious sunny day. In the middle of the walk, phone rang and they wanted me to come back for another “look”. That’s happened once before so I wasn’t too super scared….just uneasy….
Back I went and this time they used flatter panels. I have very small and very dense breasts so the technicians have to work very hard to get what they want….I waited about 15 minutes and she came back and told me that they wanted a biopsy that week…so a few days later in I went. Before I go further, I need you to know that the nurses that work at the Breast Center are the most amazing nurses on the planet. They are sweet and kind and they do their best to tell you exactly what is going to be happening next. They deserved to be paid well and treated with respect. They are literally holding your hand as you do the scariest things you have ever done in your life.
So, February 15th I arrived for my Biopsy….some women have gone through this with ease….my nurse later told me that many women have the same experience that I did…we are all different….we all have different experiences.
The biopsy starts with them numbing you…with a very long needle that I didn’t look at…I imagine it to be very long…he numbs you several times….and then this long needle is in your boob and takes about 5-7 minutes for them to get the samples they need while the machine is making this very loud noise….for me they also were putting in a marker so they could watch that spot from now on….the test ended with my hands going numb…the doctor himself getting me to quit bleeding and the nurse getting me water and a cold washcloth because they both thought I was going to faint….after that….I quit bleeding…she needs some more pictures….and the gravity of the situation dawned on me. As I sat there…bloody, tears going down my face…half disrobed….the emotions that came over me….and I wanted to run….but knew I couldn’t…and here comes my cheerleader…my nurse…you are almost done….hold your breath….good job…you are doing great….
I went home….slept and was in a lot of pain for about four days….and then received the call that I indeed have cancer. I have ductal carcinoma in SITU….which basically means they caught it early….my prognosis is very good.
We met with the surgeon on February 20th, he looked at the bruising and swelling and decided to wait until March 6th which we would then do a lumpectomy and a biopsy on lymph nodes to make sure it hasn’t spread. He also wanted me to do a genetic test…if the genetic test came back positive that would mean that I would need a double mastectomy…
The genetic test simply means you spit into this little tube a million times…thankfully the nurse let me spit alone. Also, I now have what they call the “surgical arm” my left arm can’t have blood or blood pressure taken from it ever again and I have to be careful that no sunburn or bug bites….they then measured my arms for elastic sleeves in case of lymphedema which I hope to never need.
The genetic test came back negative which was wonderful! So we proceeded with the surgery for March 6th….
Before the surgery my surgeon ordered two extra tests because he wanted to get it right and didn’t want to have to send me back in which I have heard from several people that they’ve had to do this twice. I first received my IV which did not go well so he had to do it twice….after that the other two tests went well.
The first test was in the same room as my Biopsy. I was smart enough to tell the nurse of my experience and that frankly….I was scared. She told me that she believed that this procedure would not be as painful as the biopsy and she told me everything she was doing. The doctor came in (who happened to be a customer of ours) and he was very kind…his voice very soothing…and he told me every single step he was doing. This particular test begins with them numbing you. Small prick and then a big burn…then there is basically string sticking out of your boob….this is to guide your surgeon so he knows what calcifications (cancer) to remove. There are strings sticking out but they tape it down…no I didn’t look at it….and yes….after this procedure they wanted more pictures as well. My nurse held my hand….told me what was going on and let me squeeze as hard as I wanted and told me I was doing great. Back to the room I went to await the next test.
This next test I got to stay in my bed which was probably good since I got my foot stuck in the wheelchair (do not ask). My husband just put his head in his hands…🤡 I apparently needed to clown….so I did. I figured out somehow how I did it and got myself out of it….the nurses were still talking about it when they finally took me to surgery…they said they were going to talk about it from now on…so I guess I am famous now.
The second test went on in a room that said “radioactive” everywhere. The nurse I had for this one reminded me of my childhood friend…and I so needed her. the doctor and the nurse told me that it would take them longer to set up for this then the procedure.
This particular procedure consisted of a green dye that would need to be put in an hour before my surgery so it would show the doctor exactly what lymph nodes to extract…they took five . This test consist of four pricks around the nipple and the green dye going in.the nurse allowed me to squeeze her hand and reminded me to breathe…this particular test really wasn’t that bad.
Back to my room I went…and my husband found clown jokes to tell as we waited to go into surgery.
They finally came to get me…they laughed and joked and it was very calming…I have never had surgery before so it was nerve wracking. They told me exactly what they were doing and what would be cold touching me etc….then I took three deep breaths and then woke up in recovery.
Apparently during surgery I broke out in hives and was having trouble breathing so they gave me an antihistamine which made me so super groogy I do not remember much of that ride home at all.
I am now at day 5 post op….I am very tired…and very grumpy. Last night I loooked at my scars…the scar goes clear across my breast and I have another scar where the lymph nodes were removed and my breast looks like it is completely misshapen…so I’m not exactly sure how long this will take to heal or what it will look like…..
So for now….I am tired…I am grumpy…
March 26th I go back to the surgeon and then he will let me know when radiation starts….
I know I should be thankful and I am….but this year I just wanted to turn 50….I wanted to go camping…and I just want to be done with all this crap…..
There is this beautiful time of the year…it usually starts up in February….and I have several engagements until late spring and it involves my big red nose.
I’m so glad that it is starting up again. As always, when I return from a trip I try very hard not to make too many plans the week I return…but sadly…I always get too excited.
I was happy that I didn’t have to cancel because the older I get the more I deal with the after affects of travel which normally means I get sick bit thankfully, so far so good! ,
This time I had about 45 4-5 year olds and we had an absolute blast!
We first start talking about clowns and what makes a clown a clown. They them got to see a clown come to life, do silly songs together and some magic tricks and then of course read them a book.
The goal is for them to not be afraid of clowns and to also raise awareness for anti bullying. it is a great program and I am so happy to be a part of it.
My clown bestie sent me this adorable romper and i just had to get it all together!
I have other clown adventures coming up soon and I cannot wait! Stay tuned!!!
Today finds me with a sinus infection….I went to the doctor like a big girl.
I do enjoy traveling….but I really like coming home. I whine about my town….but really….I am happy to come back every time.
It’s nice to be missed and hear people say they missed you. To get a hug from your friends. To hear people yell your name….its nice to be where you belong. At band practice the other night we got that and I never realized how much I needed it. Everyone always wants to hear their name and how happy someone is to see you. That you matter….that there was a void in your absence….that the job was done but it wasn’t done the same as you do it. It made me realize that I needed to make sure that when I see someone I’ve missed that I share the same enthusiasm that was shared with me….because we all need to feel that we matter.
The Midwest to me is home…I like big green open fields. I like barns and the smell of hay. I like tractors and watching the sun set. I like watching the corn grow and beans and I like the farmers that come into my store and tell me stories about the cows they have and how they saved a calf after it accidentally got kicked. I like listening to people tell me about their kids who moved to the big city and what they are doing. I like camping and fishing and talking to people about how to fish better. I like how people here (for the most part) look out for one another. I like how I can tell my neighbor I’m gonna be gone and he watches it better than any private investigator ever would…that is living in the Midwest.
I am happy to be living in a time where my KC Chiefs are in the SuperBowl for the fourth time in my lifetime….and that I’ve seen them win twice…
I’m grateful that I am from a part of the country where we work hard and then work harder…that we help ourselves and each other. I’m glad to know people who know how to get things done…
Tomorrow, I get to go and do something that brings me great joy. I haven’t been able to clown since October and the first time out after several long months always feels daunting….but as soon as that red nose goes on…I’m good…
Laughter has always been a high for me….in school I was good at two things….making people laugh, and playing piano….
Clowning is something I’ve tried to explain…but I just cannot.
To look ridiculous and be brave enough to do so takes courage…my big red nose helps me to be brave…because when I put it on…I’m taken back to childhood…where I can dance and sing without a care….where life hasn’t been hard yet…and what makes a great day is finding a new bug or Mom making chocolate cake for dessert….or sometimes the fancy glass cups with pudding and whip cream….just because.
Before life became about bills and taxes and insurance and healthcare and groceries and gas….when life became “diary worthy” because your parents went to Pizza Hit and we got the Priazzo (I totally realize I’m dating myself)
I could tell you stories forever how people with bald heads because of chemo have told me stories how they are so glad I’m there because for a moment they can forget the pain of this world…how I’ve watched those with dementia be brought to a world of clarity when we sing a song and play a game that they remember how to do…how they light up when I give them a clown nose….how kids forget about all the ugliness of this world and can just be a kid…and laugh and play either me…because there is this ridiculous character who makes them forget….
So…yes, I love to travel….and explore like we did this past week….where I could look at gems and be rejuvenated in my business. How my Graduate Gemologist husband can teach me…and how much fun we had sharing it with our daughter….
I enjoyed all the places we went and what we saw and cultures we learned about…and food we ate….
All these experiences make me a better person. Being able to understand where a person is coming from really changes your understanding of the world around you which is of great importance.
Sometimes in order to be happy where you are and with your life you must explore the world…to find out where you truly belong….
For me….it will always be where the grass is green….
We are grateful to be a part of a group in our jewelry community called RJO. This year our group had a show in Palm Springs…and it was so lovely.
The sun shone every day…and we even got sweaty! I am no match for the desert once again….but I am starting to figure it out. We went to see the Marilyn Monroe statue!
Ellianna and I went thet evening with our group on an Aerial Tram ride which I think was better because we are both afraid of heights.
We got our picture taken by a very nice staff member….who also took a selfie.
We had a lovely dinner once we got to the top of the mountain and had a fabulous night.
The jewelry show was wonderful and we were able to make a great selection of items!
The sun came out today….and the beauty of that sunshine on the snow filled my little heart with joy. It felt good to be able to get things done around the house that I have been longing to do…baking bread and cutting soap…cleaning the house…and so thankful for a furnace that works and power that has stayed on.
Today I worked on a project in the laundry room. I am halfway done….
Finishing up a fun soap project….the name of the soap is Miss Dot…a nod to my clown character….
I have a few social media accounts….and several Facebook accounts…I am not popular…I don’t have a huge following. Sadly, it used to bother me…why do some people attract so many followers and others…do not?
I will never be able to answer the question…but is it really important? Is your worth really linked to your likes and followers?
I use my social media as a documentation of my life. I keep trips and memories safe in these little squares…in case I forget. In case i forget what I have to be grateful for. In case there are days I can’t feel the light and love from others and I need a reminder. On days I don’t feel like enough…on days I cry because my heart just got on a plane and went far away from me again.
I am delighted when people like my squares and comment on my stories….
Sometimes I go through my social media and like several things because I know how happy it makes my heart when someone takes the time to “heart” me. Talk about what a small effort but what a sweet return.
So, for the few people that interact…I appreciate you. But know….it’s for me…and the amazing life I’ve been given…it’s like a capsule of all the ups and downs that have come my way.
Life is not all about the highs….sometimes I have found out the most amazing things about myself as I sat next to the surgeon who told me my husband was never coming home…and how very alone I felt in that big hospital. It came when I sat in a hotel broom trying to fix problems that were “God size” and there wasn’t a thing I could do. Life is who you are when you are given the biggest pile of crap that ever was…and you take God’s hand and you tell Him…well…what beautiful thing are you going to do with that huge pile….of mess.
Those mountains are big…the storms come on full speed….but in the end….your story…did you change? Most of us do….and we aren’t the same as we were before…we are bloody from the battle….but we got up…we persevered and we came out swinging….
The impossible we found….is possible….and that’s why no matter how small the following…I will keep sharing…keep documenting….because I’m still amazed at all He has done for me…
Today did not feel like a Sunday. Our church was cancelled due to the extreme cold and wind. It is dangerously cold outside and the streets are snow covered. We have had snow and cold for a week now. No more snow is forecasted for the week but we have one more week of extreme cold. I worked all day Thursday and Friday and I haven’t stepped a snowy boot out in public since Friday night.
Saturday we slept in until 8am….that is so unheard of. I have one dog hating life right now and one who is invigorated by the snow and cold.
I made some real progress Saturday….I made a lovely batch of soap….
I baked brownies and apple crisp and made a white chicken chili. Organized and put some things away….read and napped with my doggies….and grateful for a warm house.
Today was more of the same….slept in until almost 8….baked….some lovely sour dough bread….
Ellianna finished a painting
We did a lot of reading, watched some tv and watched the Kansas City Chiefs get a Win!!
Sometimes you do not know that you need rest until it’s forced upon you. We could literally not take a walk, we really couldn’t barely go outside…and it was needed and greatly enjoyed.
Tomorrow begins my new schedule, off on Monday and Tuesday and Thursday….working on Wednesday, Friday and Saturday….and I’m absolutely thrilled….
Stay tuned to the projects that we will get to tomorrow! I cannot wait!
Stay cozy and warm no matter how cold it is where you live!!!
Right now we are on our third winter storm in two weeks. The past several years have been very mild for winters….and many of us have been saying how that this winter we are probably “due”.
This past week our getaway trip was definitely one for the seasoned traveler of going with the flow….which is very difficult for my very “planned” soul. I try to go with the flow….but it is definitely not my favorite thing to do.
Today was supposed to be a day off where I could reset, make soap, make bread, grade school, laundry….all the things that quiet my soul….and it just wasn’t how the day went. Contractors came way too early…..set things in motion to cause failures on machinery…made the day unproductive because of it. Illness came upon our store with either staff members or their children. The weather is supposed to be snow and ice…and all these things…and I realize how completely helpless I am in all of it.
I have learned that at the age of almost 50, I can be upset at the circumstances or happy….and my circumstances will still be the same.
This time of year people get upset with the cold and the snow and not being able to go and travel and constantly change plans because the weather is going to do what it’s going to do.
I used to dread winter to…but I know that winter is meant for resting….resetting…organizing our lives. We start good habits, invest in reading and puzzles and cozy blankets. Our dogs enjoy the cozy nights I know….they don’t enjoy the snow when they have to do their business outside…but they enjoy the cozy.
January….we are halfway through….we have had a lot of snow days….I have cleaned out cabinets, Invested in healthier meal choices, and planned some trips for the year….I still need to finalize some others…but we are getting there.
My plants barely survived the holidays so we had to do some upkeep with them….I still need to finish two projects….but for the most part…we are on a good path.
As we continue through January, I encourage you to stop and reset….go through your house…what brings you joy? What makes you cringe? Make your house cozy….and in the end it will bring peace to your life….I promise.
For the last couple of years, January has been our month to reset. It is normally met with great anticipation and usually a very special time.
Living in the Midwest, and planning anything at all in January is always a gamble. Sometimes you win….and sometimes….you become flexible.
I had had my eye on this caboose for quite some time but she was always fully booked and always very expensive. About a month ago I made the reservation, which is normally quite late for me…but I was so happy it was available.
Sunday we drove down…it was a lovely sunny day…high around 50. It was so lovely we stopped by Roaring River to take a walk….then we were back on the road to finish our journey.
Made our way to the caboose with no issues….easy to find, check in was easy….adorable and cute….
Caboose soap!
Was cozy and reminded us of an Rv camping experience.
It had a very small kitchen…no way of cooking but did have a microwave…
The town of Eureka is wonderful. Good food, great coffee, wonderful people and very eclectic stores and quirky. It’s a wonderful place.
We walked the town….saw some funny things…
Love the old buildings….
One of our favorite restaurants….visited for the first time 20 years ago….it doesn’t disappoint
The caboose also has a beautiful stained glass window in the bathroom….
The next morning we went to one of our fave places for breakfast
Where the pancakes are as big as your face!
Later that very rainy day we had to leave early due to a snowstorm that was coming our way that was already battering our hometown. We knew that the next day would be treacherous trying to get out of the mountains….so thankfully we have family nearby so we went to their house and hunkered down…:
But first we had some PF Changs….and May I say that if you haven’t met it….may I introduce to you this amazing chocolate cake (which not even four people could eat….but we sure tried!)
That’s my husbands hand!!!
The next morning snow fell….blizzard was occurring in our hometown…there was nothing to be done except to wait…take a nap…eat and talk. It was one of the most relaxing days we have had all year.
We got up very early this morning to head back home. All roads were pristine and we were soo grateful.
We are now preparing for our second snow storm!!!!
Oh my favorite month….I have waited for you! My organizer is beautiful, my calendar is marked so neatly…plans for the year have been partially made.
Closets and shoes have been cleaned out. Christmas is down…a few bare trees remain. Valentines cuteness is out…and today I felt happiness with my beautiful clean home.
Today I was able to make a homemade soup, bake some muffins and even was able to make a batch of soap….since we are down to just one bar at our store.
I have supplies for one project…and hope to get started on that next week.
As we approach a new year….I can truly say that in finding peace I’m finding that turning off the things that make me anxious…less productive. I have made attention to my stress level when I follow accounts that have taken themselves back to the simple…..I can even feel my body relaxing. I have decided to listen to that…if I start to feel peace by watching the simple…then I need to know that I do indeed…need simple.
This year I turn 50….and the beauty of this age is…I really do not care what anyone thinks of me…or my house. I’m not going to tell you it doesn’t hurt my feelings when people say mean things…but after I’ve slept on it…I normally can move on.
At the age of 50 I have decided to quit buying the cheapest thing…instead wait….buy the thing you want….buy the product that has better quality…in the end you spend less. Do things that help your life run smoother.
I have a lady who comes and cleans my house every other week…and I find her to be my biggest help in keeping my sanity.
I have the same person clean my store…I have two accountants that help me at the store to get reports etc ready for our CPA. I use a service that helps me do payroll. I have one of the best homeschooling programs. I found the best violin teacher in town and an amazing art teacher.
I use a meal service for our lunches each week and I have no plans for getting rid of it. I do these things because….if you think you can do it all….you simply can’t. Something will always suffer. Your feelings of being amazing will never be fulfilled…you will always feel that you are losing.
Use pickup services or use Walmart plus.:……make your life easier.
Make a list of priorities, what do you want your life to look like? What brings you peace? For us that answer was answered by the River…making us know that fishing and camping would be our only way of true relaxation.
Going out of the country once a year so we can see all the things we have been wanting to see…visiting our children on the other side of the country……this is what brings me joy.
Work schedules had to be changed to allow for my need for creativity…longer days instead of shorter days is what we had to do to alter it to make everyone happy…..
Remember that no one else pays your bills but you…..you don’t have to explain your choices…but you do have to take responsibility for the way you live your life….
The Reluctant Red Nose 