The Reluctant Red Nose

Today I wasn’t dizzy for the first time in three weeks. I was able to complete Radiation today like a normal person.

I would love to say that I will learn from this and be grateful for each day because I know what it is like to have something debilitating. For the next few months and maybe couple years that is true….but sadly, we all forget our hard lessons sometimes and we just get caught up in our daily lives.

I sat by a lady yesterday before radiation and she had to do about seven rounds of chemo and 33 rounds of radiation and drive 80 miles one way to come to Radiation, and in that moment….I felt two inches high. No matter how rough we have it, there is always someone who is fighting harder….

When this all began I was angry….I wanted to know why….I was thankful for the diagnosis and the outcome but had no desire to go through the long and painful process. Cancer sucks and there is no other way to say it. No matter how small it is…it is a lot.

I have discussed the kindness of the nurses I have met and I can honestly tell you I haven’t met a mean one yet in all the doctors offices I have been to in the last four months. They have been so kind and so caring.

I have realized that no matter what life gives you or how dark the spaces you enter it is up to you to be a bright light.

When I walk into a radiation room with a big machine that scares me and certain pillows that are made just for me…and the four nurses that wait for me when I get into the room each day to attach ALL the things ….it can be scary. I have memorized the rotations…and when the table moves to get you where you need to be to get that perfect “ray”, and I am now ok with that. It doesn’t scare me as much…I find comfort as I hear them tell me to take a deep breath through the microphone …even though I am all alone in that room I know that they won’t leave me…that at that moment I am their biggest priority…and they even tell me great job….every time….…

In those moments I’m all alone I think of my kids, my husband, my friends…and crazy things like wanting to itch my head. I also get weepy….sing songs in my head like “be a fighter songs”. And sometimes….on Fridays….

I bring my Emotional Support Chicken that was sent to me by my “clown momma” and it has literally gone to Radiation with me.

The part that I was most upset about was not being able to clown since January…..I had all these new schools set up and had to cancel them all….so since this is where I am….I decided that this is where I am gonna bring some smiles….

I gave them their own little tiny support chickens as well….because it’s not right not to share….

In life….we will always have hardships…it’s practically a guarantee….most days I don’t feel like smiling….I am tired….I would like to whine ….but I cannot quit….too many people rely on me.

My dad just celebrated his 90th birthday this past Sunday and we got to share the day with him. When I walked in he asked who I was….and normally this would upset me….but I know he can’t help it and it’s ok. He then started telling a crazy story that made no sense because that’s what dementia does…and instead of correcting him…I just went along with the story. It was quite creative… my deceased uncle kept walking into room after room and was losing $100 each time….of course I had a lot to add to it…because that’s the whole point. You can’t correct them…you use humor to relax the people listening (aka my Mom who kept trying to correct him) and you then redirect them back to reality without them ever knowing how we got back. I will say I used to think I got my creativity from my Mom…but after some of these stories I am no longer convinced.

I could go home sad they he didn’t remember my name but always my husband….or we could laugh about it…

Life isn’t fair….it isn’t fun…it can really stink….but in the pit….find the good….be the light….be the joy….because in the end, it’s gonna hurt one way or the other anyway…might as well make a few friends smile on the way….

Today my dizziness is back….I am just thankful that I got through two services… so played today and I was grateful because one of them is my absolute fave song.

I made it through my first week of radiation. I was a little red and had some shooting pain which the Oncologist said is perfectly normal. Having some issues with my left arm being numb, pain in my shoulder due to how I have to lay my arm during radiation and still worried about swelling. I’ve been having g to make myself sit down and rest….and I really want to go go go.

I have one more project to get to before we head into summer. I also have to do Ellie’s grades and post those and refresh her transcript. We haven’t got her DL yet but that’s not her fault….just circumstances right now.

In my journey of health struggles and cancer and all these things, I am once again reminded of how things come across to people.

I know that there are things I have completely decided to change how I will approach this with others in the future. I appreciate people praying for me…and I appreciate people telling me they are as well. I kept thinking during church today what exactly God would like us to expand that. I believe He of course wants us to pray….but I think He wants us to do more than that. Those they tell me they are praying for me….but then ask me how I am doing. How is radiation going? How are you feeling? Are you tired?

It doesn’t have to be a gift….just a text….a conversation….a little conversation….a silly text…a hug…a compliment. In thinking about this I realized how I myself do this poorly.

I never tell people I am praying for them until I actually do….but I feel that extra step is what God means when He says “share one another’s burdens.”

Having a friend make this meme for me this week made my heart soo happy….

Having a nurse hug me and tell me I’m a sweetheart kept me singing through the rest of radiation.

Having ny fellow band members give me the fist bump after playing today….

All these things that we do to each other and for each other help us through the days that are so tough we don’t want to try anymore.

Life will always have burdens, there will always be struggles and there will always be a time when we feel that the bad times will never be over….the valleys grow deeper, the mountains grow higher….the depths become more vast…and I feel that I may never recover…but the days of struggle will be over. We will invite the mess, the ugly, the scars…the changes….and what once seemed overwhelming…..we will be able to look back at it with nothing more than a nod….

I made it through that…I almost went under…still I rise…..

I have now done two Radiation treatments. For all the ladies who feel better about themselves by talking about how easy it is….goody for you. I have spent my life being polite to strangers and I’m not sure if it’s age or it’s cancer but I just do not care anymore.

I am a Generation X. We do not talk about our feelings, we don’t cry, we don’t discuss these things with our parents…we sweep everything under the rug. We just do what needs to be done, but I am realizing that this is bigger than me…and if I don’t discuss it I will lose it mentally.

Here is the truth if you are getting ready to go through Radiation….

1. It’s a lot. People try and act like it’s no big deal but getting up on a slab of metal everyday and having machine twirl about you is a lot.

2. It’s a lot to have stickers and xs and purple markers all over your breasts and tattoos for radiation. You feel like a tic tac toe board.

3. It’s a lot to lay there naked from the waist up while two strangers line everything up. Then when they lay things on your scars…and talk about your scars.

4. It’s a lot to hold your breath and keep that in the green box, to have a machine taped to your belly.

5. It’s a lot to have to just throw off your robe in a room and then make sure you remember to put it back on!

6. It’s a lot to go to an Occupational Therapist and have your arms measured and then be told you might have to wear a compression sleeve.

7. It’s a lot to be taken down corridors and halls and to remember where you need to go.

8. It’s a lot when you hear things like “surgical arm” and great care that needs to be taken. Lymph node massage…. .

9. It’s a lot when you realize half your breast tissue is gone.

10. It is a lot when you realize your life has changed forever and things will never be the same.

My nurses and physicians are amazing people and I can’t say enough wonderful things about them.

The fact of the matter is all of these treatments are weighing on me mentally. It is a lot to take in and many days I want to run away.

There’s a lot of unknowns, there are a lot of things I could work myself in a frenzy for…but I just refuse to do it.

This week, I am getting my bearings….and if I have to wear a compression sleeve then I will…but life will go on.

It is a lot to realize that cancer stops for no one….that life still goes on. Bills still need to be paid and your kids still have events.

My mind right now feels like it’s racing….trying to meal plan and grade papers while making sure bills are paid for home and our store….at same time trying to get our daughter through her sophomore year and prom and driving and all the things. Also, just for fun, I’ve been dealing with vertigo for about two weeks and it is more fun than you can imagine. When the weather changes, like we get a storm, it’s even more fun.

I do not have to have chemo….i do not have to deal with losing hair and all the horrible things that go with chemotherapy, but no matter what you have to do in your cancer journey…it is a lot mentally.

I appreciate the people who send me texts and tell me I am strong. I appreciate the hugs (from the right) I appreciate ridiculous memes and videos sent to me….especially after I get out of radiation. I appreciate the texts asking how we are doing…the making of meals….you all are my heroes and I appreciate it.

My mind right now needs to settle and I am having a really hard time doing that….when I go to Radiation, I feel my brain is scrambled….and I forget the dumbest things….like yesterday…

I walked into the Radiation room and remembered to take off my gown….did radiation….she helped me get off the table…got down….put my watch on…and proceeded to walk out!!!! With NO GOWN on!!!! What is happening?!!!!! The nurse looked at me and told me she would have stopped me….what in the world?!

So as we go forward, I am praying for my mind to settle….to just get in the groove and ride this uncertain ride with calmness of heart…take the punches when they come…and just ride…because worrying about it will not change it.

Music has always been the way I work out my feelings….thankful that I can still do that!

I sat there and tried to persuade her to say No Radiation.…but I knew better even when my surgeon said there wouldn’t be any….I just knew.

I had a lumpectomy and this is how they treat it…this is what they said from day one so why I thought it would be different I don’t know.

Twenty sounds like such a BIG number. It feels like a lot especially when they tell you every day. I had one wish….that I would be done with all this by my 50th birthday which is in May….and I will be done about a week and a half before that day….so she thinks I will still be recovering but pretty close to done. I have a big camping and fishing trip planned….and I really hope that that can still happen.

I will not tell you that when your oncologist has you lift your arms and sees your left breast and says…yes I see we have some issues with this one…and you know she sees what you see….I am now scarred and maimed…that’s what it feels like. I wish I could say I feel like a warrior, that I feel strong…but I don’t. I’m not a warrior…I just want to make soap and bread…I want to make little kids laugh by using my red nose…I want to fish and camp and explore. I want to quit being poked and I never want to hear the words…”hold your breath” However, that is not the cards we are dealt today.

She once again goes over in greater detail that I need to protect my left arm against sunburn, bug bites….all sorts of things so that I won’t have lymphedema. No sunburn, no poison ivy…no scratches…ugh.

I then went and did an MRI where they planned out exactly where the radiation needs to go…marked on me with a marker and added stickers that I get to keep on for at least two weeks. It was a lot but she told me exactly what she was doing as she did them. I am also claustrophobic but thankfully this was a open machine so it was easy.

I appreciated that the nurse told me it was a lot and they would help me every step of the way…that I didn’t need to worry about a thing.

I know my hair will not fall out. I am not having chemotherapy . I know that I didn’t have a double mastectomy, but a lumpectomy is not a walk in the park.

As I lay there today…many thoughts went through my mind. I am grateful for life…grateful that it isn’t like some women who lay here and pray that the radiation and chemo are enough. Worry that it will save them…their fight is brutal. They are literally fighting for their lives. I feel selfish whining….I feel selfish to complain…

But to deny the pain and anxiety this has caused would not be fair either.

I think it’s important that each cancer patient have their moment. Some say you can’t sit at the table unless you carry all the burden/..and that simply isn’t fair. No matter what stage or grade your cancer is…the word cancer is still scary. The burden is heavy. The journey is yours.

Many look at my journey and say…you will live…your diagnoses is good…they caught it early….and for those things I am grateful. .

However, I have scars…and there has been tears and pain….and my body will never be the same.

I have become even more grateful for nurses . Even more so then when I had both of my children. What a difficult job they have and I am grateful to each one who has seen me at my worst and made me feel human.

So we gear up for another fight…determined to win….and as my oncologist would say…”you can do this.”

In this cancer journey…one word I would constantly use is the word unexpected.

I could NOT have planned everything worse than I did….worry about the wrong things and anticipate pain from things that were NOT painful and NOT understand the things that were EXTREMELY painful.

I have also learned that while women are amazing comforters and give wonderful feedback….they can also be the absolute Negative Nellies.

You have the women who had a lumpectomy and made dinner that night….this I personally don’t believe because I don’t even remember the drive home really…because I was still hung over from my antihistamine ride from my allergic reaction during surgery. There are the women who returned to work in three days…and then there are the women like me….who had five lymph nodes removed as well….and two large incisions….some of us just take longer than others because we have more that needs to heal. There are no gold medals given in this category….just go at your own pace.

There is a remarkable amount of information given…there are large things to weigh…there are several options. Everyone has a “professional” opinion. I’ve heard all the things….”reject the hormone blockers and radiation, only a grass fed camel diet will save you.” Ok…that’s an exaggeration but you get my drift.

I’ve been told that if I have radiation and the cancer comes back I can’t have reconstruction…but the surgeon looked at me and said it CAN be done….difficult but it can. Then my sister tells me she couldn’t do reconstruction because she got several infections….so …..it can really make you want to run away.

So today we went to my surgeon. He is confident he got all the cancer. I like my surgeon but today he irritated me….he gave me false hope and it’s been nagging at me all day.

I have DCIS in Situ Grade 3. What does this mean? It means earliest form of breast cancer very treatable. What does Grade 3 mean? From what I’ve read it means fast growing….but I haven’t had that verified by any doctor as of yet. My type of cancer is estrogen fed.

My surgeon has said from day one…radiation and hormone blockers….and mammograms every six months but he won’t start that up until February of next year….then he said he doesn’t think I need radiation….and for a mere moment I heard birds sing….and then he said…but we will wait until we hear what the oncologist says. So, there it went….right out the window….my good mood went quickly went away and matched the very grey and cold day we are having. Something I’ve been prepared for and wrapped my brain around….now I’m told …..maybe not…..why say it? Why give false hope? Why?

In that moment of relief and elation of just being able to close the book on this stupid chapter….I thought to myself…I remember how this feels….and then when he took it back…I remember sitting there like…I want that back!!! Come back!!!

It was then that I realized ….it doesn’t matter. Radiation or no….hormone blocker or no….reoccurrence next year or no….how do you choose to live?

Do you want to waste your time on this earth reading every article on how to cure cancer? How to prevent cancer? Or do you want to just live?

The truth is I may do all the treatments and all the things….and it may come back…it may come back with a vengeance….but am I going to continue to live like I am dying….or choose to just live.

I look at pictures of Greece and I can’t fathom going there later this year. I haven’t let myself even think about camping, fishing and travel…or clowning or any fun thing coming down the road.

Every morning I wake up, constantly worried about my business, my kids, my dogs, my daughters ACT score…her drivers license, her driving….my son in DC….it never ends…my husband and what if he gets sick….all of the things.

Yes, it’s possible cancer comes back and I can’t have reconstructive surgery because I had radiation and now for the rest of my life I’m a flat chested freak (but I was already pretty flat chested) and I just can’t worry about any of it anymore.

So, for now we wait to hear back from the oncologist who is supposed to call tomorrow to set up an appointment and we sit and do what the oncologist says…and we quit worrying…we get back out to nature and start working off this weight we gained while doing nothing but recovering from surgery….and we get back out there.

We come armed with new hobbies that are distracting and fulfilling . We get off our phone and enjoy conversations and we forget about this chapter and be grateful it was only one short chapter….and we move on….

I am FINALLY feeling like myself again….still have bouts of being tired but can actually function now.

If it wasn’t for my huge scars I would actually forget that I had a lumpectomy…

Like everyone right now….I get cranky when we go out to eat so now we do everything in our power to not do that. So I packed a lunch and much to the delight of our teen daughter we left her and her friend at home and headed to the Bird Refuge.

It sounds like we are both 100 years of age but sometimes when life just doesn’t make sense…some fresh (albeit be very cold) air just makes everything seem bearable.

The ducks and the swans and even a few coyotes )thankfully we did not see any National Geographic moments ourselves). We ate lunch in our car while watching the birds and ducks fly around. I feel that all of us are starting to move back to the days of making lunch and snacks and packing a cooler like we did back in the 80s. Since I am the one packing…I am here for it.

My husband bought me this shirt….and I feel there isn’t anything more true.

I can’t go fishing or camping right now…so I feel a drive through the Bird Sanctuary was a lovely idea!

I am off to take a power nap with two dogs laying beside me….and I am not mad about it!!!

I don’t remember the age I was when I figured out I was funny…but I remember it felt like my super power.

I wasn’t a good student…I did love creative writing, drama, journalism, and piano….I was really good at piano. I enjoyed cheerleading but certainly wasn’t amazing at it…I was ok…I was reliable…I was little and tiny and sometimes that’s half the battle….but where I really shined was humor.

I was sent to the office for talking all the time. I frustrated my accounting teacher so much he sent me to the office with all the boxes checked….my principals wife was laughing…just the way I like it.

Speed ahead 30 years….and it’s still my super power….but lately….I don’t feel funny. I feel tired….dark…and strangely done. I find myself wanting to hide in quiet hobbies….my favorite thing to do clowning….I now don’t know if I feel the strength. The world seems scarier….darker…and I feel so very duped. I just wanted to grow up to have the freedom to jump on the bed (ok, not really) and now I don’t want to. I realize that that is called maturity….but I just feel so very very lost.

I’ve always been one to keep going….stay strong….but now I am like…why bother? I am in this hole that I cannot seem to get out of. I hear people yelling my name but I just want to sleep……

I know that many of us find strength in numbers….but what if your numbers don’t show up? What if the numbers that do live far away? What if they can’t reach you in time? Those near you don’t see you….

I’ve never realized until the last several days how empty certain phrases sound….and I al so guilty of saying them myself.

We say: Praying for you….and that’s it. We say “let me know if you need anything.” But ya know they are never going to call….we don’t call or text or send a card because we feel everyone else will….and then they don’t….and then “you” feel like you must be the worst person alive because absolutely no one is reaching for your hand…..maybe three people besides your immediate family….but that is it!

How do you work your way back after that? I’m racking my brain trying to figure it out….and for right now….I find my serenity in fuzzy pajamas, chocolate and the solitude of home….new garden projects, and my dogs who think I am the queen.

I should be mature enough to set expectations ridiculously low and I am mad at myself for not doing so…but I think we all think that the world perceives us differently than it indeed does. I think we look at ourselves way higher than we should.

For me, it’s been a lesson to realize how I l ow I’ve made others feel less then….not seen….forgotten..:and not cared about. I’ve not looked at ways to help, I have been too involved in my own life to be able to help others. It has caused me time to reflect on what I do to help make the world a better place….and I think that I have a lot of work to do.

I think a lot of us get up and work hard and then when trials come and people treat us in a way that doesn’t make us feel worthwhile we blame it on the cause of “this is why I stay away.

I am not sure where we go from here….I am stuck. I’m stuck because ordinarily I would just call and make clowning appointments because for the last seventeen years that is what I’ve always done../:but today I came home after working a five hour day and took a 30 minute nap….so I don’t think I will be clowning anytime soon. This time last year we were traveling….and that changed my perspective but I can’t do that either…..

So for today…I wait for the sun to shine….I wait to be rescued….I wait to find the humor in life again….I know it will come again.

Tomorrow I will be at two weeks since my Lumpectomy surgery and lymph node removal…and can I say….it sucks. I envisioned a few days where it would be rough but I never thought I would be this tired.

Yesterday and today I have been so ridiculously tired that the only accomplishment I have made is crying watching all the tik toks of horrible people that exist in this world.

I had dreams of reading books and being so amazing at getting things done but the problem with that is you feel horrible so there isn’t a lot of productive things you do.

However, I did erase some pictures on my phone and some emails….I did research on container gardens and hopefully by this Thursday I can do something with it….

I have shopped for Easter and clothes…and even ordered a birthday cake for my daughter for her May birthday…

I can’t plan trips…because I am not sure when radiation starts or how long it will be…I can’t plan clowning events for the same reason….

I have a million projects I would like to do but my body won’t let me….and that is frustrating.

I have done research on my cancer and joined groups for ladies with the specific type that I have and have found it to be very encouraging. I have sent way to many tik toks to my son and friends…

I have been surprised and saddened and encouraged by friends that showed up and surprised by those that did not. I have realized that in order to be helped sometimes you have to ask…and those are things I am really terrible at. I am learning constantly how to do that better. As a true Gen X this is foreign territory for me….we just never did.

Back in 2011 I had a hairline fracture on my left leg up towards my femur….this fracture occurred during a 5K race. I did not stop…after my orthopedic surgeon yelled at me my husband left the room to use the restroom and the orthopedic surgeon said to me…”yeah, I would have done the same.” thanks buddy, appreciate your help 🥴 He then told me that if I could stay off of it for six weeks he would not put it in a cast….and that was the longest six weeks ever….

I do not sit well….this feels like watching paint dry….and I am over it.

I think the hardest part about cancer is the wait….

Biopsy….wait for the news. Genetic testing….wait for the news. Surgery…wait for the pathology report…Healing…then wait to see the surgeon then wait to meet with oncologist…then wait to start medication…then wait to start radiation…and everything is done at the speed of spit.

Meanwhile, nothing can be planned…and everyone else moves on….and you are stuck in one place watching life move forward….while you wait. Trying to be involved in the events of your children and husband while standing in the same place praying that soon you can move from your space…

There are not enough breast cancer blankets or flowers or pink t shirts they make the waiting in your square any easier….but it does make you feel loved while you wait in the square.

When this is over I have grand plans….but for now I wait not patiently….in my square…waiting to move to the next level…

Today, my new book vase is making me happy….and for today that is enough.

Yesterday I ended up having to work the entire day. We were very busy and by the time we went home I was exhausted. Today, I felt much more like myself. I got up and ran some errands, got my daughter from work and then my husband and I went to a place I have never been.

I haven’t been anywhere really for over a week….and I’m not even a fan of Reuben sandwiches but this Reuben was the best I have ever had. My absolute favorite thing is to find hole in the wall places that are quirky and have amazing food. This place definitely fit the bill.

We then went to get some coffee at one of our local favorite coffee shops….

We then went car shopping because we have this on our radar…..I am aware that this sounds like the most boring weekend in the world….but when for the last month you have had three procedures and one surgery…it felt like the most amazing day ever.

I have had dark days….it is hard to go through this….and I have learned who has my back and who doesn’t.

Twenty three years ago my first husband died in a car accident. At the time my son was two. I was dealing with the shock…and I simply will spare you the details of what transpired at his funeral but it was basically LifeTime material.

There are a few things I remember….my friend who picked out my clothes to wear and my sons and ironed them. She asked me when I had eaten and reminded to do so. She helped me pick out music….she intervened on my behalf in an event that no one should ever have to do. I have another friend who is no longer this side of heaven, and he and his wife were at the funeral….and there were some shenanigans goin on and I remember him looking at me….like….are you good? Do you want me to intervene? I remember my friends taking my son to the pumpkin patch….I remember people coming with Christmas cookies for my son to decorate..

This time i had a friend bring a huge dinner because she wanted us to have enough food to get through the weekend. I had a friend send me pajamas that button up that were so soft. Clown friends that sent me packages to make me smile, and special lotion to help through radiation. I have been sent cards, received texts and flowers from my kids, help with bandage changes …and a fun shirt to wear first day of radiation. I will not forget those who helped.

I will never ask for help or for dinner….and those that know me well know that. If you know me…you know to just do it.

These are things that I am trying to remember:

1. Never tell someone to let you know if they need something…..

2. Do NOT assume someone else is taking care of it.

3. Just because it is not life threatening does not mean it is not scary…:

Everyone likes to feel they are loved and appreciated especially when they are dealing with terrifying news

I know that I will change how I treat others

February 6th,2023. I decided to be a big girl and go to the doctor. Last year was a crazy whirlwind of travel and work and cleaning house within our business so my hours were long, and there was no time for the doctor. So, I met with her and we scheduled all the tests…and I told her I would like to do the mammogram and Pap smear and all the things in April….because I have a lot going on….and she said ok! Then the nurse came back in and had scheduled a mammogram for me for February 13th….which I was like….that’s not April! I scheduled it early…I wanted to get a lot of things done that day….with the next day being Valentine’s Day I needed to hustle.

February 13th arrived, I showed up for my mammogram and it went as well as ever….the nurse asked me before leaving if I have ever had an abnormal mammogram and I told her just once and then I went about my day….and decided to walk my dog on that glorious sunny day. In the middle of the walk, phone rang and they wanted me to come back for another “look”. That’s happened once before so I wasn’t too super scared….just uneasy….

Back I went and this time they used flatter panels. I have very small and very dense breasts so the technicians have to work very hard to get what they want….I waited about 15 minutes and she came back and told me that they wanted a biopsy that week…so a few days later in I went. Before I go further, I need you to know that the nurses that work at the Breast Center are the most amazing nurses on the planet. They are sweet and kind and they do their best to tell you exactly what is going to be happening next. They deserved to be paid well and treated with respect. They are literally holding your hand as you do the scariest things you have ever done in your life.

So, February 15th I arrived for my Biopsy….some women have gone through this with ease….my nurse later told me that many women have the same experience that I did…we are all different….we all have different experiences.

The biopsy starts with them numbing you…with a very long needle that I didn’t look at…I imagine it to be very long…he numbs you several times….and then this long needle is in your boob and takes about 5-7 minutes for them to get the samples they need while the machine is making this very loud noise….for me they also were putting in a marker so they could watch that spot from now on….the test ended with my hands going numb…the doctor himself getting me to quit bleeding and the nurse getting me water and a cold washcloth because they both thought I was going to faint….after that….I quit bleeding…she needs some more pictures….and the gravity of the situation dawned on me. As I sat there…bloody, tears going down my face…half disrobed….the emotions that came over me….and I wanted to run….but knew I couldn’t…and here comes my cheerleader…my nurse…you are almost done….hold your breath….good job…you are doing great….

I went home….slept and was in a lot of pain for about four days….and then received the call that I indeed have cancer. I have ductal carcinoma in SITU….which basically means they caught it early….my prognosis is very good.

We met with the surgeon on February 20th, he looked at the bruising and swelling and decided to wait until March 6th which we would then do a lumpectomy and a biopsy on lymph nodes to make sure it hasn’t spread. He also wanted me to do a genetic test…if the genetic test came back positive that would mean that I would need a double mastectomy…

The genetic test simply means you spit into this little tube a million times…thankfully the nurse let me spit alone. Also, I now have what they call the “surgical arm” my left arm can’t have blood or blood pressure taken from it ever again and I have to be careful that no sunburn or bug bites….they then measured my arms for elastic sleeves in case of lymphedema which I hope to never need.

The genetic test came back negative which was wonderful! So we proceeded with the surgery for March 6th….

Before the surgery my surgeon ordered two extra tests because he wanted to get it right and didn’t want to have to send me back in which I have heard from several people that they’ve had to do this twice. I first received my IV which did not go well so he had to do it twice….after that the other two tests went well.

The first test was in the same room as my Biopsy. I was smart enough to tell the nurse of my experience and that frankly….I was scared. She told me that she believed that this procedure would not be as painful as the biopsy and she told me everything she was doing. The doctor came in (who happened to be a customer of ours) and he was very kind…his voice very soothing…and he told me every single step he was doing. This particular test begins with them numbing you. Small prick and then a big burn…then there is basically string sticking out of your boob….this is to guide your surgeon so he knows what calcifications (cancer) to remove. There are strings sticking out but they tape it down…no I didn’t look at it….and yes….after this procedure they wanted more pictures as well. My nurse held my hand….told me what was going on and let me squeeze as hard as I wanted and told me I was doing great. Back to the room I went to await the next test.

This next test I got to stay in my bed which was probably good since I got my foot stuck in the wheelchair (do not ask). My husband just put his head in his hands…🤡 I apparently needed to clown….so I did. I figured out somehow how I did it and got myself out of it….the nurses were still talking about it when they finally took me to surgery…they said they were going to talk about it from now on…so I guess I am famous now.

The second test went on in a room that said “radioactive” everywhere. The nurse I had for this one reminded me of my childhood friend…and I so needed her. the doctor and the nurse told me that it would take them longer to set up for this then the procedure.

This particular procedure consisted of a green dye that would need to be put in an hour before my surgery so it would show the doctor exactly what lymph nodes to extract…they took five . This test consist of four pricks around the nipple and the green dye going in.the nurse allowed me to squeeze her hand and reminded me to breathe…this particular test really wasn’t that bad.

Back to my room I went…and my husband found clown jokes to tell as we waited to go into surgery.

They finally came to get me…they laughed and joked and it was very calming…I have never had surgery before so it was nerve wracking. They told me exactly what they were doing and what would be cold touching me etc….then I took three deep breaths and then woke up in recovery.

Apparently during surgery I broke out in hives and was having trouble breathing so they gave me an antihistamine which made me so super groogy I do not remember much of that ride home at all.

I am now at day 5 post op….I am very tired…and very grumpy. Last night I loooked at my scars…the scar goes clear across my breast and I have another scar where the lymph nodes were removed and my breast looks like it is completely misshapen…so I’m not exactly sure how long this will take to heal or what it will look like…..

So for now….I am tired…I am grumpy…

March 26th I go back to the surgeon and then he will let me know when radiation starts….

I know I should be thankful and I am….but this year I just wanted to turn 50….I wanted to go camping…and I just want to be done with all this crap…..