The Reluctant Red Nose

Today I was supposed to get rest, and be rejuvenated but that didn’t happen…I had big plans for today…I could tell you that’s life…but it seems it’s been happening every three weeks for the course of two years…and it’s time for a change.

Owning a business is hard…but it can also be very rewarding it enables me to do things that most people don’t get to do.

It’s gotten my big clown foot in the door at many schools and retirement homes….

It has allowed me to continue my obsession with decor and also soap making. I enjoy baking bread and cooking….and I have been able to do all these things and more and for that I am grateful.

Sometimes though in life…we need to change our focus…we need to make hard decisions…and that’s what my husband and I have done lately…make some really hard decisions that don’t feel good…but will be good.

For the good of our family and our mental health these changes will be put into place in the next four weeks….our hope is that these changes will bring a more predictable schedule for everyone involved, and we hope that plans for extracurricular activities can now be planned for.

With these changes, my husband and I hope to be able to concentrate on our activities that drive us to be creative individuals that are able to focus on the important planning aspects of what makes our business unique. Our business continues to grow…and we must make some hard changes to make it continue.

Over the last two weeks I was asked point blank what makes me happy? And I had to sit and ponder it for a long time….

What brings me great joy is to play keyboard in front of my congregation. The singing of my church family almost brings me to my knees every time.

The second thing that brings me joy is homeschooling my daughter. Doing science projects and writing assignments and all the things…violin and art classes….

The third thing that brings me joy is work in my community…clowning, other committees all of those things….

The fourth thing that brings me joy is our business and learning all those things that make our business unique….

What can rob your joy is the mundane parts of business…getting caught up in the grind of your business that shouldn’t even be something you are left with worrying about. Finding dependable and reliable people that show up and do their job without you having to babysit them is what can make or break you…and finding people like that can be hard to find….

We are lucky to have a good team of people…and I’m grateful for each and everyone of them. We are grateful to have a consultant who can look at our business from the outside and let us know what is no longer working and what must change…someone who sees a bigger vision.

So for now as my anxiety is through the roof…and my creativity is plummeting…and my fitness routine is completely gone…house is becoming shambles and house projects are once again put off….I am resting in the fact that change can be good…and growing pains can turn into beautiful things….

Today, we returned to normalcy. I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed my own bed..my shower.

Today, my dogs were dropped back off and my Ozzie ran so hard to the door that the leash came out of the person who watch him hand….same Ozzie same.

As I picked up my order from Sam’s…had my delivery from Walmart. Took my daughter to the orthodontist, and now her two writing classes….I was so thankful…..but again….so torn.

I feel that on a business trip I work soo hard…and when I return the tasks at home seem so much more overwhelming….and I wonder which lane I should be in.

As my husband was discussing business things my mind had a hard time staying on track….

I feel constantly pushed between homeschooling and clowning….and keyboard playing. Then, there are the chores from home, soapmaking….all the things that all of us dabble in.

I’ve decided that this too shall pass. I’ve decided that all my ducks will never be in a row…that time will always evaporate….that I will never be great at everything.

So right now I haven’t made soap since November….we are behind in school since we’ve been away on business…my puppy still likes to pee inside. I have a ton of inventory to put in for Valentine’s Day. I’m clowning at schools and retirement homes and having a hard time focusing on work since my mind keeps moving away to clowning and new ideas for a new program I just started in our community. I have band practice tonight…but have been away so this practice will definitely be scary….

I’m behind in working out….my house is not clean….but my fridge is…because while we were gone I had loads of science experiments going on…I have groceries and half clean laundry!

These are NOT big deals….not in the least….but they can weigh us down if we let them. The perfectionist side of me wants everything to be perfection. The perfectionist side of me wants to do great in all the things…but three years until my homeschool chapter is closed….

And she walks off into this big bad world. After that….bits and pieces of time and phone calls…

I want to relieve my husband from business pressures…I keep making changes….we will get there.

I want to be a funny light in my community….where laughter happens and smiles come out. Where you forget about your troubles…for just a little while.

I want to create beautiful things and see amazing places….experience new things…

I don’t want to sit around…perfect ….and control all the things….life is messy…funny…dirty…terrifying….heartbreaking…stressful…and surprising. Don’t get caught up with what you did wrong…what you failed at…what you are behind on….

Today my lane was orthodontist, food, clean laundry, clean the fridge, get my dogs settled, unpack the suitcases, go to writing classes. Band practice and make dinner….

Tomorrow it will be work, cleaning the house, homeschool lessons. Next week more of the same…the point is…don’t grow weary in the journey. Make sure to put things in there that give you joy…that make you happy…creative. That feed your soul….and remember all of us have a different lane…so keep your eyes on your road…full speed ahead!

Tucson is home of the second largest gem show in the world….we were delayed a day sadly because of the ice in Texas….

Now onto the show….

We also went to another show….

We saw some amazing gems and were able to meet some new vendors and enjoyed seeing our present vendors as well….

Stay tuned for more information!

What a glorious time we had in San Antonio. Even though it was for business, we still enjoyed seeing many things and enjoyed it…it wasn’t super warm but not too bad at all.

We first enjoyed walking around the city and seeing a few sights…

We also enjoyed the river walk…

We were there for business but we also found an amazing donut shoppe!

The riverboat cruise is a must…we enjoyed ours with dinner and it was a beautiful night. Definitely not something we could do at home in February!

We did a lot of work as well….because we were there for business. Attended a lot of classes as well….

These shows are vital to our livelihood….

Then right when we were getting ready to leave to fly to Tucson, Texas decided to get drizzle and Dallas got ice….which means our flight was cancelled and delayed until the next day…so our sightseeing of the Alamo didn’t get to happen….but we finally did get to go to Tucson!

We also brought in a new watch line as well….

Stay tuned to see all our adventures in Tucson!

Sometimes, you have to take a break…for us, that means going away.

For the past two years, I’ve been on a mission to find places close to bodies of water for my husbands relaxation and something funky and out of the ordinary for my creativity and personality….this weekend I found another…

This Silo was pretty darn cool and there wasn’t any complaints from either one of us…

It was an amazing place to stay. I very much like unique places so this fit the bill perfectly. I try to plan out unique places like this by using Airbnb and have been very happy so far.

We then went for a hike near Roaring River which was fabulous as well…

The fish you see pictures are Trout

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To me, going away is well worth it. More creative, happier, and am able to accomplish all that is wanted in my crazy life….

Go out and explore!!!! This is also why I go to the gym…the climb on our hike wasn’t easy…the staircase to the second floor wasn’t easy to navigate but it was so worth it!!!

I don’t know why January has always been my favorite month…but it has for awhile.

It’s my chance to reevaluate, reset, fresh starts fresh planning.

This year is no different . So far we are on track for work planning, inventory, and One Year Bible track. We are also completely off track for the gym…and we aren’t getting back on track for homeschooling until next week…because my youngest kept doing school while we worked constantly and just now this week, gets an actual break.

I find that this is normally how my life goes…and I’ve finally accepted it. I think if I could tell young mothers one thing…it would be this…and it’s taken me 48 years to figure it out. You will stink at something always. When you are succeeding at something, you are failing at others. It’s the truth…and I’ve learned to accept it…because otherwise, you will always and forever feel unworthy.

When my youngest was little and sick ALL of the time…I was sleep deprived, didn’t get to work out…appearance wasn’t the best…because I was just trying to keep this little human alive…I was trying to keep my husband happy and give attention to my son…I was pretty bad in most areas of life…but I kept the tiny humans alive.

This past December our entire family was sick for the first week of December…we own a store…this was not good…our house was in shambles…I kept the dogs alive…and the humans that lived here. We had Walmart deliver our groceries…Amazon was a huge contender…and the house was a dumpster fire. When I finally returned to work I confess that I did not check for a fever…I just had to get to work. Bills needed to be paid, customers needed things…my staff needed relief. I was a horrible wife, mother and caregiver to my child. My store however, was lovely , we even had freshly baked cookies, and the stir was beautifully decorated. Staff party was had, but I didn’t cook because we had it much later and I was at the store all day…it wasn’t the party I wanted but I had to let something go. Christmas shopping had thankfully been done in November as well as all decorating. I had to say no to special events, turn down opportunities I desperately wanted to be at. I was focused on one goal…my store.

Yesterday, I took down almost all Christmas…I have two trees up, all bare, They are completely ready for winter…but Christmas lights still hang on the outside of the house…and Christmas bulbs are still in the lanterns. My store is Christmas free…and my house is finally getting back to how I like it. Projects are being planned for…school and art and violin are being looked at again. Vacations and work trips are being planned…

New adventures await…and this year…I am looking forward with anticipation the fun that awaits us. Hard work always…but some fun…some signs of relief for the difficulties that we have overcome..and some peace.

When I’m a good store owner, I fail at mothering. When I’m a great mother and homeschool teacher, I fail at a clean house and cooking and laundry. When I’m a great keyboard player (which is never) I’m bad at going to the gym…when I’m great at working out..I’m bad at learning new skills for clowning. It’s just the way it is. I’ve tried for so many years to do all these things with perfection…and they can’t be done.

When I’m great at visiting my parents, I’m horrible at meeting my friends for coffee. When I’m great at going to events for the chamber…I’m horrible at remembering events for homeschooling. I even forget music lessons…

So, this year….

We have one life….and each day we are given choices. We will make mistakes…we will have regrets…but life is a beautiful mix of bad and good. Each day, make the choice to do better….and that’s all we can do. Live in those special moments that we are given each day…and learn that we cannot do it all. We will fail every day…at something…but don’t quit. Keep going.

Another year has come…and I look back at it and I am grateful…. We had a son graduate from college. He graduated from Mizzou, from the school of Journalism.

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My eldest stepdaughter graduated from Penn with her doctorate in Microbiology. She then got engaged……

For fun trips this year we had a few….

We went to Tucson, Las Vegas, Arkansas, and Cozumel. Had some fun weekend getaways…..

Ellianna enjoyed swimming and art classes…she continued in violin….

We had some fun events at our store…

We adopted a rescue dog from the shelter….

We had to say goodby to our Charlie dog that we have loved for over ten years….

I started a new program called Red Nose Readers which has gone over really well at area schools and have several bookings for the month of January….

I was scared to start this program and overcame a lot of fear…

I clowned at a lot of events ….

Got a little better at playing keyboard at our church….

My goals each year are simple….last year it was to live more simply, travel more, less things, more memories. I also have a full year of working out behind me as well. December was a dumpster fire for the gym though…but this week we will be back at it.

We hope to get one of the trips we were to take when Covid hit…and we hope to travel more. We have a wedding to attend in the fall. Marks eldest daughter will say I do.

I plan on attending clown school for the third time…I’m hoping to be stretched…I will be going without my bestie clown friend this year and I frankly, am scared…but I know this is the next step I must take.

As we get older we work harder to keep our bodies in shape. This year that will continue. We want to be able to hike well into our 70s and maybe 80s. I want to be an active clown…and I can’t do that if I’m not in shape.

Hope repairs will continue…two big projects we were not able to accomplish last year.

Ellie needs to learn how to drive this year…and Trey will be figuring out which career path he wants….

We continue to navigate our store and all the improvements and exciting events we want to plan as we continue…

May you have an amazing 2023…as for me…I don’t need amazing…but peaceful…peaceful would be great.

Today was a day…..

I went to the post office to mail a package that my son asked me to. I was called up from the line in which I was standing to be helped…immediately after that…he began to help the person next to him.

I’ve been to this certain postal place almost weekly for years…they all know me…but for whatever reason this particular person today acts as if I’ve never darkened the doors. Takes forever to wait on me…and then hours later I get an email where he forgot important information. I was that little of importance to him.

I then return to the orthodontist to pick up my teen. I wait in the parking lot…as most parents do…because she’s a teen and will be driving soon. The tech comes out (who must have been a hall monitor) and basically is wanting me to be outraged at my daughter for breaking several brackets. When it seems my only concern is that they be fixed she starts to act like my daughter is lying about what she’s eating…since these are the first brackets she’s ever broken I’m not really upset…but this is not enough for this tech. She goes on and on about the list of foods she can’t have…when I tell her we don’t eat popcorn or skittles or these things she insists that my daughter is eating something she should not. When I still seem unphased (because at this point I’m wonder why we are discussing it when all she needed to do was fix it… she then tells me how much it will be to fix broken brackets…and tells me I can make payments since it’s the holidays. What???? Do I look like I can’t afford to pay my bills. This is my third child in braces…which means I’ve given this orthodontist over $15,000 and this tech is acting like I can’t afford this tiny bill? She then goes on to basically say that I should have known my daughter broke her brackets. First of all, what would it matter if she did…it takes two months to get Into the orthodontist anyway…second. My daughter is 15…haven’t checked her teeth since she was 12…and she was just at the dentist and they said nothing about it at all…

I then called the office. Yelled at the poor receptionist…who promised to take care of it and that my daughter nor myself will never have to deal with this person again…

I then went back to my store…and proceeded to have a continuously bad day….but then I had a party…and yes…more things went wrong…but then my husband came down dressed like this….

We had good food and enjoyed a great night together….

We played a game of Grinch where my team won!!!

We had a great night….

And I’m hopeful tomorrow will be a better day…with less hall monitors in it.

I normally get sick in like February through April….that’s normally when my body says…I give up.

I have to tell you I have not been sick during Christmas Time in…years.

I normally always get a flu shot and now I get a Covid booster…but sadly I have had direct exposures to Covid for several weeks…which delayed me in getting shots. AKA I never did get the shots…but then basically got Covid/flu and my husband had a strange variation of the RSV virus…now we tested negative for Covid…my husband tested negative for flu…but they told us there is a new variation which he probably has. The man has been down for a week and a half…I’ve been out of my store for almost a week. We also had two more employees out at the same time…with Covid…so to say that our staff is tired would be an understatement.

If you own a business and you homeschool your child…you know about how much rest I got…which is why I’m going back to work tomorrow…and will take extra naps on Sunday.

I had high hopes on reading books…but my eyes would water so fixating was hard. Was going to finish finalizing some trip plans for January and February but my brain was fuzzy just putting a Walmart order together. I thought we would catch up on school but my daughter was coughing so much and had a fever I knew she wouldn’t retain anything she read anyway….

So, alas…I spent a lot of time watching tik toks. Falling asleep during movies and cuddling with my dogs. I seriously think they are the only ones that benefitted this week.

My dogs stayed with me….

I was able to get a lot of Christmas shopping done…I believe I’m done. Even ordered Christmas cards for the first time in a very long time…

But I absolutely stink at being still….

I try to…but then the phone dings and I have to answer it for work and sometimes I wonder…what would happen if I just let it be for a bit. What if for 30 minutes each day I just said no to the noise…no to the impatient texters…and no to anything but being in the moment….

The last three months I’ve done this every morning. I’ve set my phone to be on do not disturb while I’m on the fitness app….and it has made such a difference.

It’s been really difficult this last week because I’ve been sick and so I haven’t been able to take the dog for a walk in the early morning hours…my body and mind need it. I need to be quiet.

During this season of making memories to the point of making ourself delirious…may we remember that sometimes the best memories are the quietest moments…

Sometimes they are reading or doing a puzzle together. Sometimes it’s a candle service…you never know.

Just enjoy the quiet…

It’s been five years…and it’s off to clown camp I go again. I am aware of how odd it sounds…but alas…I just don’t care anymore. So this next August, away I go!

When I was a child I was fascinated with clowns. Every year for Halloween, that is what I wanted to be..but I was way to shy to ask my Mom if I could. I was afraid she would not let me and would make fun of me…so I never did…but I was always fascinated by them.

I’m sure it is odd that I have never been to an actual circus but it is very true…but I have performed in a “circus like” show in front of hundreds of people twice…and I was trained by real life professional clowns…twice.

This year, after five years…I’m back at it. The last two times I’ve gone I’ve played it pretty safe…ventured out…learned a lot…but as I have ventured into Red Nose Readers, been asked to clown at more and more school events…I knew I had to have more training..

I knew that I needed to be real with my teachers and let them know just the kind of clown character I am…and that my friends is hard to do…

I have always been a “clown” just ask my teachers or classmates….school was boring…I was always in trouble for talking…and I frustrated many teachers…but when my friends laughed…that’s all I ever needed…I truly…didn’t care how many demerits you gave me…I was perfectly fine with the laughing.

When I told one of my teachers the character that I had started to bring out and the great results I was getting…I was pretty sure that I would get met with…disapproving, that’s not professional nods…but I did not…

Instead, I was given the ok…to bring my beloved fat suit….

And I cannot tell you the joy I find in that. I’m always tempted to go the “cutesy” way…

And “cute” clowns are adorable….but to me it’s too “safe”…I don’t feel like a “clown” at all…I feel like someone who is doing a job…halfway…like I’m stuck in the middle…like I’m too much my old self. That is why I have to do this crazy character….because that’s when I truly feel like a real clown….

This year I have asked to be pushed outside my comfort zone…and so far all I know is that I will be in my fat suit for the big clown show and that’s all I know. But I have asked to be pushed…to the point of being uncomfortable…because it’s time….it’s time to finally let completely go…and just do it…

And lastly….here is a great in a fat suit…which gives me all kinds of good vibes….I’m an in NOOoOOOoO way comparing myself….just sharing one of the greats…here is a picture of Lou Jacobs in a fat suit that one of my teachers sent me….

I can’t love it enough!!!