The Reluctant Red Nose

Last week I dropped my son off at the airport. He was headed to Chicago to begin his grown up job…I held it together until the sign that read….airport exit. Then, I just cried all the way home.

There is just something about your firstborn…he was the first to call me Mamma. He was my cuddle bug. He loved naps..he loved his paci and his bluie (blanket that was blue duh).

When he was 9 months old he and I set off on an adventure of our own. I sat and rocked him in his adorable nursery that I had worked tirelessly on…and I packed our bags and left. My husband at the time was inviting others into our marriage…wasn’t coming home at all…and was blaming me…for merely existing. After seeing help from my church and receiving no assistance I left, and went into the arms of my family…and I never looked back.

Over those next three years I will only say to you that l did my very best to provide the best for him…and he helped me through the days I didn’t want to go on…he was special…he is special.

Every parent of every child believes their child is special…because all of them are.

This past week he had to grow up fast…being in a busy city he met the worst and the best of people…and there were days he wanted to leave….but we kept encouraging him to press on.

Yesterday, he called me from his new apartment….and I smiled from ear to ear. All his hard work in school just paid off. He is where he was meant to be…he is so proud of what he has…and it was such an incredible moment.

We as parents, wish the best for our kids and when they finally accomplish those goals I just cannot explain the relief and the joy I get from watching my children succeed. I’m so grateful and so thankful.

I can honestly tell you that there were days that ended in tears through his teen years. Drop off at college was not sad for either one of us…he was happy to be away from us and we were thrilled to be away from him. As I spoke to more parents, I became aware that this is not unusual…that many felt the same way.

There were days I felt like a complete failure as a mother. I would lose my temper…say things I should not. I gave in when I should have held firm…I allowed mediocrity when I should have pushed harder.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent. There are circumstances that are difficult and at the time we make the best decisions we possibly can at the time…and sometimes we make good ones…and sometimes we fall on our faces.

As I get ready to raise the last of our four kids..my husband and I are trying NOT to make the same mistakes with her that we did with the other three. We hope to do a better job with our last baby to leave the nest.

For those of you in the trenches…keep on keeping on…you are not alone. Just keep swimming!

Yes, I confess…I began a title with the forbidden word…and…oh well.

This past month went by in a flurry of activity..:

My daughter turned 15…

My son graduated from Mizzou….

My parents moved away….

We celebrated Mother’s Day and violin recitals….

My stepdaughter got engaged….

I turned 48 and celebrated at a weekend getaway….

And now I find myself….tired.

I can’t explain to you what it’s like to have adult children and one teen left…it feels like everything everyday is a tightrope walk.

I remember the bags of snacks and soppy cups. I remember the days of changes of clothes and sunscreen and bug spray…bandaids and neosporin…and I remember the vomit…so much vomit always. Why? Why with every car trip no matter what…we had some sort of throw up.

Then all the sudden…we switch to everything all at once changing.

When my daughter turned 15…I didn’t cry. When my son walked across the stage as a college graduate…I didn’t cry. When the vet told me my dog was 12 (in my head he was 8 and holding) I cried.

I cried because I felt like…somehow the universe had sped up..and I missed it all. I didn’t do all the things I wanted to do on my way to trying to keep all the plates spinning…somehow…I had missed out.

I felt guilt…and sadness. Then I realized, that no matter what…everyone feels that way. On our way to “adulting” we missed a game because of obligations at work.

After having three adult children one thing I have realized….running myself ragged with all the sports and all the things…is not worth it. We told each child to pick one thing…one sport…one instrument and we would do that..and that’s what we did. I have no regrets. I am not judging anyone…but my children k ew that they could say enough..and I would listen. My kids like some downtime…and I respect that.

Soon enough, my 15 year old won’t be able to just sit around and paint. She will have a job and pay bills…and life will seem so overwhelming…so why do that when they are home with obligations?

As I have watched three walk out my door..:and I’ve made mistakes with all three…one thing I’ve decided to do with #4. Say yea when possible..::and no to overwhelming commitments that don’t allow any downtime…or creativity.

Life and Covid have taught me…it’s ok to not do anything for a day…it’s really ok.

Tonight our air is out….fans are blowing…memories are returning of childhood. Hardly anyone I know grew up with central air…and who were you really if you didn’t have a fan that you could talk like a robot into.

Saturday night, I was at my parents house celebrating Mother’s Day…and I came across these beauties…

I was four in this picture…and yes, the wallpaper behind me was amazing…and my Mother always made my cakes. Store bought cakes were unheard of. This particular one was a circus cake and had clowns on it…and I loved it…

I am the fifth daughter….and I was born after my first niece…and then after I was born…two years later I had another niece and then two years after that…another…then a nephew…you get the idea….there were a lot of us…and fifth child…was overlooked. No worries…I was loud…and always heard…still remains true.

My childhood was a happy one from what I can recall….

Being in a big family there was always a birthday…I loved school…loved swimming and camping…loved to sing…loved my dolls…loved Christmas…

Mothers Day always brings all these things s to mind….good things and bad. hard times and things that shaped is….regret as a mother and stepmother is long and I do have many regrets…

But I also have things I’m proud of… I’m proud of being a single mom and holding it together…being able to provide for my son..on my own.

I’m proud of figuring out how to blend a family…I really wish I would have done it better…but I do believe healing is possible and reconciliation can come.

I’m proud of having yet another teen…and learning how to do things completely differently then with the other three kids…and hoping for change…for myself and for her.

I look back at my own childhood…raised by a mother who she herself had a very sad childhood…doing the best she could with a kid that just was not easy.

I can lay awake each night for all the mistakes I made…but in the end…we are all doing the best we can…

I made the decisions I did at the time…truly believing it was in the best interest of my home…and I believe that’s what a lot of Mothers and stepmothers have done.

There are hardly any books telling you how to get along with your husbands ex-wife. There is not a lot of good advice on how to raise your stepdaughters. It is just unbelievably difficult. Unless you have been there, it’s impossible to explain.

It’s also hard to be a step kid and have to do a delicate dance between all the people….and for that…I’m truly sorry.

I don’t know much…but I do know…whatever role of Mom you play…it’s hard. Mistakes will be made…learn to say sorry…learn from your mistakes…know that sometimes we all need to heal for awhile…and then come back together.

Keep on going…it’s never to late….to fix things…and have a wonderful relationship!

I think the Pandemic did me in….I thought I made it through untouched but no..:

Like many of you, I looked at two weeks of being off from work as a time to get a million things done…and I did get a lot done…but then reality hit…and I realized that we had to reinvent ourselves and our store…so there was no relaxing or sleeping in…it was just mere survival. We figured it out and we made it through.

We all struggled…we learned to keep our mouths shut…learned that some could not…and learned that others really had some strange ideas. We all realized we are in no way prepared for an actual tragedy…and given the fact that we barely could go a day without visiting a grocery store…I doubt we as Americans k ow anything about true “survival”. Here’s me with my hand raised…just not sure how to make it without finding a brownie mix and eggs…but anyway…I digress.

We all learned how much we missed each other…and those people we didn’t. We learned how lonely life can be without each other. How much we missed the sounds of laughter and children…and a crowd singing…it truly was remarkable how much I missed it.

As we have all struggled back…some of us with great loss…others of us with great lessons …I admit…I’m still struggling.

I think somehow I got off the road and I’m struggling to get back….I seem to be close but not there. I can hear you all talking…but I can’t see you clearly.

I’m tired….I’m tired of trying to make people laugh….I’m tired of explaining why….I feel used up and stale. I need new tricks but no time to learn them…I need to embrace my Ukelele and be able to do all these new things…but I’m constantly lost…I’m constantly running out of time…I’m given another task…and then another…and this love of mine called clowning gets pushed back further and further. I thought I could keep up…but now requests come faster and faster and more and more…and I’m tired…and I don’t know how to keep up…so I don’t…

I’ve had to say no to some events and others I’m trying to say yes…my husband reminded me that nothing good ever comes easy. I wish he was wrong…but as usual…he’s right.

Sometimes what worked before no longer works..sometimes…all that’s needed is a refresh. Refresh at home….refresh your “clown”.

Sadly, movies have changed my beloved characters…some kiddos still like my big characters but sadly…many don’t…so for the sake of laughter…we update…we change…we reinvent.

If we learned anything from 2020…and even in 2021….is that certain things that worked before…do not any longer. Change doesn’t always seem to be what we want…but sometimes it is what we need…

So, Miss Dot continues to be reinvented….and someday….that will be enough for me.

I should be sleeping….but I’m still mad at the events of the day. I slept in until 7:30 today, instead of getting up and going to the gym and working out. Today was my one day with no plans and I could just relax and I did…and it was a mistake.

We had one appointment today and that appointment went not the way I would have wanted…and I was treated very rudely. It set me off for the entire day.

The weather is annoying…so cold, windy…and doesn’t feel like spring. Little irritations occurring…and I confess….I melted down.

My melt downs vary. Sometimes I’m dramatic and crying (I usually blame those on hormones). Other times I get mad and need to go take out my frustrations on a rowing machine…other days like today….I am…Eyore. Let me tell ya, I was “Eyoreing” (not really a word I know) with the best of them.

A project I want done right now I can’t get done because I’m married to a perfectionist. Cakes I ordered have a delivery time issue. People are wanting me to help with things I cannot and said I could not…but yet…still expect me to do. Last but not least my firstborn son is leaving….he’s moving on….and I’m just not ready…but I have to be.

Nothing I went through today is a true crisis…nothing.

I find that this is when I struggle. I struggle to move past these things. I take hateful comments so personally. I wish I could just brush it off but I can’t…I feel it so deeply.

I hope and pray that someday the little irritations of life will just be little instead of making them so big…

I sometimes wish I could just stay at home and not have to talk with anyone on these kind of days….but sadly….that cannot happen.

Hoping for a better day tomorrow….chin up!

My staff have told me that my life story could be sold to Lifetime. I told them they probably would not take it because no one would believe it.

There are days I feel like I’m on a show that we used to watch called “Hidden Camera.” The new fancy word for it is “you got punked.” There is now probably even a newer phrase…but I can’t tell ya I know what that is.

In life…you will have people talk bad about you. You will have women deceive you, men deceive you…and people just love to watch you fall. When I was younger I had the mentality of “ I will show you!” And then end up getting myself in trouble. What I have noticed as I have gotten older is, Karma does exist…and if you wait around long enough…it really does come around. I’ve watched it…but you don’t ever want to be the person who is happy it does.

As I get older I get smarter….but I still have a lot of wisdom to gain and not as many years to gain it as I would like. So for me, the last couple of years here’s some things I’ve tried to do…and they seem to be working. In a world full of people who want to watch you fail….these are some tips on how to survive:

1. Be someone who can be counted on. Show up when you say you will. Do what you said you would. Follow through. If circumstances prevent it, let the person know as far in advance as possible.

2. When you say your gonna do something, do it to the best of your ability. Don’t do it just to get by…go big or go home!

3. When you show up…look the part….whatever that part may be…do it to the best of your ability.

4. Take care of yourself. Exercise…explore. Be adventurous. Work out.

5. Read books, constantly learn new things….

6. Get involved in your community…don’t just throw money at charities…get your hands dirty.

7. Surround yourself with busy friends…people who are too busy to talk bad about others. Be around the movers and shakers of your community.

8. Give yourself time to smell the coffee…get your nails done…have a massage.

9. Get out of your comfort zone. Whether that’s playing a keyboard in front of your church like you said you would never do….or clowning…or getting involved in a group you said you were too scared to join.

10. Lay the hurt at Jesus feet. There is no one that suffered more lies and more hatred than Jesus…and unlike me…He is perfect. I pick up the hurt of people that they say about me…again and again…but lay it down…lay it down and keep it there.

11. I am not perfect….I have failed at many things in my life…but I can’t live there. After I have apologized…and asked for forgiveness I can only move forward…I can’t stay there paralyzed in what I have failed at.

12. Make the world around you beautiful….paint something…clean something…give something…make someone laugh…the gift of laughter is the best gift I can give right now…and every time I do…I always get more in return.

There are days when the clouds roll in…Satan loves those days…he tells his best lies on those days. Many of us believe him….I’ve been very close…but the sun always comes up…and the problems always work themselves out. Not always how I’ve envisioned or hoped. Sometimes the sun doesn’t shine for awhile…and the mountain in front of me that I just climb seems so unbelievably endless. Do NOT give up…because the way down that mountain will be the most amazing beautiful answer that you have ever seen.

He makes beauty out of ashes…He fixes Broken things….He uses the silliest of people….

Be strong my friend….let them say all the things…keep standing tall….keep being strong. Their lies will be revealed. The injustice will be overcome…just hold on.

I have started the purging of the house…it seems to be something I do every two years…and probably should do more.

This past week, I sold my sons bed…boxed up his entire room and put it in the closet. Will be donating end tables and rugs, trash cans, tables…all things I had “saved” for him. Why? Why do we save these things? I knew four years ago, his intention was never to live in our state much less our hometown. From the time he was in middle school I knew he would never move back home. That’s how we want it. We want them to be secure in themselves…to be able to leave home and spread their wings and fly. I’ve mourned this process for four years. If you’ve read my blog, you already know this…but it doesn’t make it any less difficult.

I at first closed the door to my sons room…it was like…this huge mess with empty boxes…overwhelmed me…then I gave myself the courage. I set the timer for 10 minute increments. That’s all I could handle. His elementary and highschool photos of basketball and track. His baptism certificate. Trophies and medals and all the things…and I just needed to do it slowly.

With each box that was packed I closed another chapter. Eagle Scout…and all the Boy Scout regalia that came with that. Basketball, Awana, chess, track, Deca…and then summer internships….closed, closed, closed.

May sound horrible to say…but the teen years I do not miss. If I’m honest, I understand how in the wild they eat their young. If you have a son…you should get that…from age 9 on….they will test you…and I gave in so many times. I just wanted the arguing to stop. They know where to punch you with words….but then they go to college…

Then, they miss you and your laundry and food and cleaning and taking care of them when sick…and they become these amazing adults…and then..they leave….for good. They walk out the door…to their own addresses…and you just have to know what to do with those empty spaces.

To me, this is my son….going out in the big old ugly world…and I don’t feel old enough to have a son that’s graduating from college…I blinked and all the sudden…he became this…

So, I work on transforming this….and it hurts a little….but it’s also exciting. My work of who he is to become is done. I can’t shelter him anymore. Now is the scary part for him….jobs, bills, consequences, relationships…good decisions and bad. But, we have weddings to look forward to, someday grandchildren…and all the things that make the world go around.

I am not telling you that there are not days that I don’t feel those memories flood me…and I mourn the loss of his childhood….but when that happens…I make bread….

And I remember that life is a mixed bag of good and bad. Some of us have more good than bad…and others grow stronger from the bad. Life is a beautiful mess….filled with wrinkles and age spots…stretch marks, bruises, scars and memories. Life is hard…and beautiful…and if today isn’t your day…keep going. The sun will shine again…you will get to the top of the mountain….just don’t give up.

If I would have had my way….today would have been spent wearing this….

But alas, I own a fine jewelry store..and we do have to be serious.

I did appreciate my staff humoring me this morning at our weekly meeting…:

The past two years have been horrible for all of us. We all have long, sad stories of how we have suffered. Some have had their businesses struggle, many families missed so many family members..:education…you name it. The hardest part for me…was not being able to don the red nose.

It truly was so depressing. I had no idea my soul needed it so much.

Getting to finally be able to go back to the retirement homes…they asked me where I had been…why was I gone so long…and then when Covid numbers climbed again, I was made to not be able to visit again…it was so hard.

Life is so uncertain…I have no idea what the future holds…but for the next few months at least…it holds clowning…and I’m here for it.

I’m married to a man who is brilliant. He truly is. He is amazing at guitar…amazing jewelry designer, and so incredibly intelligent. He has a great sense of humor..he’s tall and he can pretty much do anything he puts his mind to.

I am the opposite of all those things…my clown life and my real life usually shadow one another…the crazy things that happen to me in real life are easily transferred to my clown character…it rarely is on purpose.and those who have watched it happen can testify to this.

In high school and college I had severe anxiety because of this….in my 30’s I started to embrace it gradually…by my 40’s I accepted it. I will never be this sophisticated lady…no matter how hard I try and how much I concentrate. I will be the person that falls up the stairs on air…trips over her own feet…and forgets to take out her headphones before walking off the stage (ask me how I know this). This is me….and I try to embrace it…but sometimes it can lead to depression…I was built to make people laugh…but somedays…I’d like to be the smart one in the room…the one that is looked up to….

I try to remember that everyone has gifts…mine are different than others…

So if you see me out clowning….I’d appreciate a laugh and a smile….and know…that when you do…that just makes me feel like a million bucks and the most talented clown in all the land!

I have nothing to complain about….but I truly seem to find a way to do so.

My children are healthy. My house is warm, my car runs…and even my dog seems to find contentment in the ordinary.

However, certain times I find myself overwhelmed at irritations.

Real people in the real world having huge issues…their country being ravaged by war…but me…I’m upset about my grocery store not having Dot’s Pretzels and my nail breaking…requiring a trip to my fabulous nail lady.

I find myself overwhelmed with a vey busy store and wanting more staff. I find myself irritated at people who continually complain about winter in the winter…..no worries…I will do the same for summer.

I find myself comparing myself to others and finding myself falling short…my work, my efforts don’t begin to measure up…

Why is it that I find myself able to jump the huge hurdles of life with determination and strength…but the little things of life…I find myself not wanting to keep going.

I don’t want to fix one more problem, find one more solution, or have to listen to one more complaint. I don’t want to fix anything else..pay anymore bills…clean any messes up…or package anything else.

I want to just sit in the quiet. Find the simple…and enjoy things that bring me joy.

The smell of fresh baked bread, soap making…my fingers playing piano keys…and the beauty of plants. I need to see new things and experience life from a different perspective

But somehow…that will have to wait and I will have to figure out how to jump the small hurdles of life with the same determination as I do the big ones.

Perhaps I can go through those hurdles because others come alongside us when we seem to go through the “big” ones and not so much the little ones. Perhaps we keep the “little” ones to ourselves…we don’t want to look weak…we want to appear that we have it all under control.

Covid taught us how to wait…how to set our expectations lower. It taught us how to handle disappointment and setbacks. It taught us how to think outside the box…and how much we truly need one another. It didn’t necessarily make us WANT those things…but we learned that’s what we had do or we would go crazy.

I am thankful for plans that get to happen…and days that are normal…because duringCovid, we learned how quickly “normal” can be gone.

May you learn to jump the hurdles of “irritations” better than I…and May we learn…that snowfalls are not always bad things….

I admit it…I’ve been a bit cranky. People in my town have worn me out….and I am tired. I needed a breather. I needed a change of scenery…I needed some sunshine…warmth and needed to work up a sweat.

We went on a business trip to Tucson. The only trip I truly look forward to. It’s just such a great show. It had been two years since we had seen many of our dealers. Many of them from Sri Lanka, some from Thailand and very few were able to make it from Australia. Our industry has been hit hard…and soon many will start figuring that out. Our foreign friends have not been able to have their mines open, their cutting centers due to Covid. The loss has been great and many of them don’t understand why more Americans don’t take it seriously. After you hear their stories and how they are affected I think many will change their minds. This is why I needed to get away…I needed to clear my head…be with other people who took this seriously as well.

We spent four days at the show and one day we could only be there for about two hours, but the other four days…we were there from 10-6….doing this….

We are the only store in our town that does this…my husband is a graduate gemologist…and he knows his stuff. We have relationships ships with our vendors in our industry. The shows we attend are only for retailers in our industry. It revives me…it rejuvenates me…makes me realize why I love this business.

This year, we took our daughter. She fell head over heels in love with opals…

She is working with her dad to be able to design some new pieces…I look forward to what she brings to the table.

We also took some time for a little bit of fun.

We also enjoyed the different types of food…Indian food almost every day and Cuban sandwiches…we’re always a favorite!

It was so nice to get out and hike…

We made it to the top of the mountain. It was about a little over 3 mile hike and we did it!

Until next year Tucson! I love ya!