The Reluctant Red Nose

I have started the purging of the house…it seems to be something I do every two years…and probably should do more.

This past week, I sold my sons bed…boxed up his entire room and put it in the closet. Will be donating end tables and rugs, trash cans, tables…all things I had “saved” for him. Why? Why do we save these things? I knew four years ago, his intention was never to live in our state much less our hometown. From the time he was in middle school I knew he would never move back home. That’s how we want it. We want them to be secure in themselves…to be able to leave home and spread their wings and fly. I’ve mourned this process for four years. If you’ve read my blog, you already know this…but it doesn’t make it any less difficult.

I at first closed the door to my sons room…it was like…this huge mess with empty boxes…overwhelmed me…then I gave myself the courage. I set the timer for 10 minute increments. That’s all I could handle. His elementary and highschool photos of basketball and track. His baptism certificate. Trophies and medals and all the things…and I just needed to do it slowly.

With each box that was packed I closed another chapter. Eagle Scout…and all the Boy Scout regalia that came with that. Basketball, Awana, chess, track, Deca…and then summer internships….closed, closed, closed.

May sound horrible to say…but the teen years I do not miss. If I’m honest, I understand how in the wild they eat their young. If you have a son…you should get that…from age 9 on….they will test you…and I gave in so many times. I just wanted the arguing to stop. They know where to punch you with words….but then they go to college…

Then, they miss you and your laundry and food and cleaning and taking care of them when sick…and they become these amazing adults…and then..they leave….for good. They walk out the door…to their own addresses…and you just have to know what to do with those empty spaces.

To me, this is my son….going out in the big old ugly world…and I don’t feel old enough to have a son that’s graduating from college…I blinked and all the sudden…he became this…

So, I work on transforming this….and it hurts a little….but it’s also exciting. My work of who he is to become is done. I can’t shelter him anymore. Now is the scary part for him….jobs, bills, consequences, relationships…good decisions and bad. But, we have weddings to look forward to, someday grandchildren…and all the things that make the world go around.

I am not telling you that there are not days that I don’t feel those memories flood me…and I mourn the loss of his childhood….but when that happens…I make bread….

And I remember that life is a mixed bag of good and bad. Some of us have more good than bad…and others grow stronger from the bad. Life is a beautiful mess….filled with wrinkles and age spots…stretch marks, bruises, scars and memories. Life is hard…and beautiful…and if today isn’t your day…keep going. The sun will shine again…you will get to the top of the mountain….just don’t give up.

If I would have had my way….today would have been spent wearing this….

But alas, I own a fine jewelry store..and we do have to be serious.

I did appreciate my staff humoring me this morning at our weekly meeting…:

The past two years have been horrible for all of us. We all have long, sad stories of how we have suffered. Some have had their businesses struggle, many families missed so many family members..:education…you name it. The hardest part for me…was not being able to don the red nose.

It truly was so depressing. I had no idea my soul needed it so much.

Getting to finally be able to go back to the retirement homes…they asked me where I had been…why was I gone so long…and then when Covid numbers climbed again, I was made to not be able to visit again…it was so hard.

Life is so uncertain…I have no idea what the future holds…but for the next few months at least…it holds clowning…and I’m here for it.

I’m married to a man who is brilliant. He truly is. He is amazing at guitar…amazing jewelry designer, and so incredibly intelligent. He has a great sense of humor..he’s tall and he can pretty much do anything he puts his mind to.

I am the opposite of all those things…my clown life and my real life usually shadow one another…the crazy things that happen to me in real life are easily transferred to my clown character…it rarely is on purpose.and those who have watched it happen can testify to this.

In high school and college I had severe anxiety because of this….in my 30’s I started to embrace it gradually…by my 40’s I accepted it. I will never be this sophisticated lady…no matter how hard I try and how much I concentrate. I will be the person that falls up the stairs on air…trips over her own feet…and forgets to take out her headphones before walking off the stage (ask me how I know this). This is me….and I try to embrace it…but sometimes it can lead to depression…I was built to make people laugh…but somedays…I’d like to be the smart one in the room…the one that is looked up to….

I try to remember that everyone has gifts…mine are different than others…

So if you see me out clowning….I’d appreciate a laugh and a smile….and know…that when you do…that just makes me feel like a million bucks and the most talented clown in all the land!

I have nothing to complain about….but I truly seem to find a way to do so.

My children are healthy. My house is warm, my car runs…and even my dog seems to find contentment in the ordinary.

However, certain times I find myself overwhelmed at irritations.

Real people in the real world having huge issues…their country being ravaged by war…but me…I’m upset about my grocery store not having Dot’s Pretzels and my nail breaking…requiring a trip to my fabulous nail lady.

I find myself overwhelmed with a vey busy store and wanting more staff. I find myself irritated at people who continually complain about winter in the winter…..no worries…I will do the same for summer.

I find myself comparing myself to others and finding myself falling short…my work, my efforts don’t begin to measure up…

Why is it that I find myself able to jump the huge hurdles of life with determination and strength…but the little things of life…I find myself not wanting to keep going.

I don’t want to fix one more problem, find one more solution, or have to listen to one more complaint. I don’t want to fix anything else..pay anymore bills…clean any messes up…or package anything else.

I want to just sit in the quiet. Find the simple…and enjoy things that bring me joy.

The smell of fresh baked bread, soap making…my fingers playing piano keys…and the beauty of plants. I need to see new things and experience life from a different perspective

But somehow…that will have to wait and I will have to figure out how to jump the small hurdles of life with the same determination as I do the big ones.

Perhaps I can go through those hurdles because others come alongside us when we seem to go through the “big” ones and not so much the little ones. Perhaps we keep the “little” ones to ourselves…we don’t want to look weak…we want to appear that we have it all under control.

Covid taught us how to wait…how to set our expectations lower. It taught us how to handle disappointment and setbacks. It taught us how to think outside the box…and how much we truly need one another. It didn’t necessarily make us WANT those things…but we learned that’s what we had do or we would go crazy.

I am thankful for plans that get to happen…and days that are normal…because duringCovid, we learned how quickly “normal” can be gone.

May you learn to jump the hurdles of “irritations” better than I…and May we learn…that snowfalls are not always bad things….

I admit it…I’ve been a bit cranky. People in my town have worn me out….and I am tired. I needed a breather. I needed a change of scenery…I needed some sunshine…warmth and needed to work up a sweat.

We went on a business trip to Tucson. The only trip I truly look forward to. It’s just such a great show. It had been two years since we had seen many of our dealers. Many of them from Sri Lanka, some from Thailand and very few were able to make it from Australia. Our industry has been hit hard…and soon many will start figuring that out. Our foreign friends have not been able to have their mines open, their cutting centers due to Covid. The loss has been great and many of them don’t understand why more Americans don’t take it seriously. After you hear their stories and how they are affected I think many will change their minds. This is why I needed to get away…I needed to clear my head…be with other people who took this seriously as well.

We spent four days at the show and one day we could only be there for about two hours, but the other four days…we were there from 10-6….doing this….

We are the only store in our town that does this…my husband is a graduate gemologist…and he knows his stuff. We have relationships ships with our vendors in our industry. The shows we attend are only for retailers in our industry. It revives me…it rejuvenates me…makes me realize why I love this business.

This year, we took our daughter. She fell head over heels in love with opals…

She is working with her dad to be able to design some new pieces…I look forward to what she brings to the table.

We also took some time for a little bit of fun.

We also enjoyed the different types of food…Indian food almost every day and Cuban sandwiches…we’re always a favorite!

It was so nice to get out and hike…

We made it to the top of the mountain. It was about a little over 3 mile hike and we did it!

Until next year Tucson! I love ya!

Wow! What a week! I’m sitting here blogging, trying to get my mind to calm down after an amazing crazy Chiefs game. I actually had a heart rate of 98….which is normally what it gets up to when I work out (if that tells you anything)

My son won free tickets to tonight’s game so I’m also waiting up to hear from him that he made it back to his college town safely…even though he’s 22….I still worry.

This week I started running a fever Monday night…I knew I had a sinus infection. Could not get my fever to stop, and went to the doctor. I knew I didn’t have Covid…because I literally had sinus pressure and runny nose and watery eyes. I had a fever like I always get…because I always get a sinus infection. To be safe I took a Covid rapid test….negative…still everyone told me I had Covid.

Two days pass…my nose quits running…and my eyes are not watering…still have pressure in my sinuses…still am running a fever. If it were not for the fever I would have gone back to work..but against my wishes I went to the doctor.

Upon entering my doctors office where sick people are I might add, there are signs posted everywhere that a mask is required. However, two years in, there are still people who believe they are above rules…and an older gentleman (who was a St Louis Cardinals fan) decided to have his mask down to his chin. Yes, he did…in a doctors office where sick people are…I coughed on him as I walked by (ok I did not…but inside my head I did).

As I walked to the room where the doctor would address me I started having a conversation with the nurse…he told me he just got over the same thing he suspected that I had. He finishes, and in comes the doctor…she is sure I have Covid (here we go again)….after a stern conversation with her…and after she goes through my symptoms and finds out they I’m triple vaxxed and have also had my flu shot…take vitamins and wear a mask in public. I also have taken a Covid test and have literally only one symptom….a fever…she relented. She still told me to take a Covid test…which I did….and it was once again….negative.

It was a frustrating week of having to stay at home….getting nothing done and finding myself in the middle of a home repair that had to be done as well. I was snot covered…dust covered…and everything felt like it was falling apart. The only thing I did somewhat well was homeschool…from the couch. I felt like everyone I met I let down.

Covid is a terrible and scary thing. I have people that I know that have died from it. However, regardless of your stance on vaccines or mask wearing…can we all just quit with blanket statements. I was told so many times I had Covid…and it truly was annoying. I knew I didn’t feel differently from any other sinus infection I have ever had…I knew my body…and I knew I didn’t have it. Still, everywhere I went….everyone had something to say.

Here’s my point: even if I did have Covid….I realized how lonely getting Covid must be. The doctors have really nothing to help you, or advice to give you. They just want to stamp your chart with Covid and move you along. I had to fight to be heard…what if I was the quiet type or elderly…would I have still been heard? Had I not been married I would not have even gone…because I hate going to the doctor…so if I was single…I would have not gone.

Everyone was scared to be around me…I slept in a separate room from my husband. I didn’t come close to anyone…I wore a mask in the car with my daughter…it was a very scary time. I haven’t been to see my parents because until today I was still contagious.

I have just hated this week. Hated how people treated me, how doctors treated me…and how lonely it all felt..

I told the doctor, that I missed the days of being “normal sick”. Don’t you?

Through it all…God always shows up….

My doctor did listen to me….my kitchen is 90 percent complete. Another project that has bothered me will be started soon. my beloved Chiefs won in a game that will be talked about for years. I had someone who played for me today in church with hardly any notice and did a beautiful job. My husband was so amazing and caring even though he has an insane schedule…our store did survive without me….

A dinner was brought to my house at the perfect time. The blessings are there to be seen…if we will only look to see them…He is faithful…even when I am not.

Last week I said I was done clowning…the world seemed to be going down in flames. Schools are closing because staff is sick. My own staff is sick…this week even I have been sick and missed three days of work (which hasn’t happened for quite some time).

However, this week I was asked to clown for an event in the spring…and of course I said yes…because…dare I hope…dare I even try to imagine?

The one things you would have thought all of us would know by now is NOT to plan anything…but we do…and sometimes the plans get to work out. Sometimes, they do not.

I think sometimes I look at this all wrong. I am a planner…I like to know what life is gonna throw at me. Sometimes, life throws things that I never ever imagined would come…and had I known they were coming I would have ran for the hills. However, I think we can all agree that no matter what has been thrown at us…we are all still standing. Some of us are more worn down than others but we are still standing.

I can try to tell myself not to make any plans because they will just fall through…and that is possible…but even in a year where we didn’t have a pandemic…nothing was ever guaranteed.

I can still make plans for trips…and events…and when they don’t get to happen…I can try and see it from a different perspective, and when they do get to happen…I can enjoy that moment even more than I would have before.

Covid has changed us for good and bad….so many bad things…but without it we would have never realized how much we need personal touch. Just when I thought I was a loner who needed no one…it took the world shutting down to realize…yep…we need the people who drive us crazy.

Just when we thought we could buy everything our heart needed online….we realized what life would be like without TJ Maxx…come on….you wanted to break in to just walk the aisles and sit in the pillows like me…I get it.

Just when we thought we could do our hair and nails at home and save money…we realized why we paid them the amount of money we do.

My dog was able to get a haircut but not me…what in the world was that all about? Wiping off our groceries and mail…and wiping down my car and handles…I don’t think my car has been that clean since….

Now, it seems we are starting all over again…and I like you, am over all of it. Some days I don’t care and I want to hug all my friends and I just don’t care. Other days I’m sanitizing everything and masking up to drive in my car alone…with me there is no in between.

All I can do is continue to look forward. Look ahead to the good stuff. Look ahead to what the future holds…my son graduates in May from Mizzou. My stepdaughter gets her PhD from Penn. We hope to take an amazing trip this year…we have trips with friends planned…and our youngest will be 15….

So much good….can be hidden behind such dread and fear and uncertainty….but I just stand fast in the belief that we haven’t all made it this far for nothing. I have to believe that we will overcome this…and that someday we can have things that aren’t cancelled and the little things in life will be enjoyed once again….like laughter and smiling. Like clowns…and balloons.

Every week since 2020….I have a little phrase that I’ve kept saying to myself. “Set your expectations low.” I think a lot of us have been saying it…but now…it’s been two years…and all of us desperately want to talk about something else.

Each week at work things change…whose on Covid protocol this week? Can we even plan a week?

When I make a grocery order…I expect there to be “substitutions”…and one day I fear I will snap. It almost happened today…after I had several things that could not be substituted….my favorite coffee creamer was out of stock….my coffee creamer. My favorite coffee creamer…could not be found. Could it be found in my city at all? I do not know…but in my head…no, it could not be found in the entire world…and I just wanted to scream.

There’s a hole in my kitchen ceiling, from a shower that has been leaking. This hole will be fixed within the next week and even a hated and loathed light fixture will finally be taken down…this hole screams to me every morning. I have a board that fell off my window box during a huge windstorm and it’s all I see when I pull up to my house. All these little bitty irritations…and someday I feel I may just snap.

The other night my husband and I went to sonic for a little ice cream treat…no hot fudge…are you serious? There is no hot fudge in the whole world? Seriously?

I now ask if they have things when I pull up to a drive thru with four other options in mind…I keep saying…set expectations low.

My nails even had the weirdest thing happen…the gel my nail lady used was new and absolutely all my nails popped off…it reminded me of the “shutdown”….

Today the weather is mocking me…it’s 54 freakin degrees…I had to take Allegra and had a splitting headache all day…debilitating and ruined the rest of my day that I don’t have to be at my store. Even my husband looked at me and said “you don’t look like you feel good.”

I find myself wanting to get tattoos all over and piercings and dye my hair all sorts of colors. the only thing I will actually do is a little bit of hair color.

I want to plan trips but everywhere I want to go seems to be potentially shutting down again….and if this was 2020….I would be like…okay here we go…it’s gonna be ok….but now I’m in this for close to two years right? And it seems never ending….it feels like we are all just never gonna get off this roller coaster of disappointment, delays and substitutions.

Words I never want to hear again…” testing, we are out of that, substitution, that’s going to have to be virtual only, mask up, hand sanitizer, can I get your temp please, six feet people, vaccination card please. Moderna or Pfizer, wake up people, sheep, and my personal favorite….natural immunity.”

At this point in the science fiction movie I would be the lady who would go off in the middle of the store when the cashier told her she had to get a substitution…I sometimes feel like I’m this close to cracking….but instead I write things like “No worries! I understand! It’s not your fault! “

However, inside I just want to know…how much longer. Can I go two weeks making plans? Do I dare get excited about three weeks out? Will this calm down by April like it has for the last two years? Can there be any other conversations we can have that don’t start and end with Covid?

This past fall…I mean, three glorious months ago…the world seemed to be making it’s way back…and now with the new year and more and more and more mutations…I’m just losing my grip. I’m starting to let go of the rope…I’m starting to give up.

I see this about myself and I want to offer encouragement but I find it harder and harder to find any.

There is always hope…this is not the end…we cannot give up…we have to keep swinging we have to keep fighting…we can’t give in…but some days…it’s ok to lose your mind over coconut coffee creamer…and no hot fudge…I get it. I’m here for ya.

You can lean on me.

I have been given the amazing flexibility of always being able to work from home. Since my Ellie was born, my husband and I have worked together to be able to have me work from home so that I can be with our daughter.

We decided to start homeschooling when my son was in fourth grade…and we continued on. As our business has continued to grow, it has become more obvious that I’m needed at our store.

When this first came to my attention, I was annoyed. I had’t closed the chapter of homeschooling, and I felt that I was being cheated and so was my daughter. However, it became increasingly clear that as the demands of our store increased, my husbands health and well being were being pushed to the limits and a compromise was born.

It is not a perfect plan, but for now it is working.

My daughter had no desire to go to traditional school and with all the challenges from Covid, we didn’t feel that she was missing out on anything. Her education especially. We will continue doing what we have been doing. This time, my husband who was a history major in college will be helping her through…history. It’s a win win.

The doors had also been opened to playing keyboard at our church. Something that I said I would never do has given me great joy….

The one thing that right now I feel we are closing the door temporarily…is clowning. With all the Covid protocols constantly…it has just become impossible. I don’t feel that this is goodbye forever…just see ya later. I do hope to in the meantime to learn the Ukelele and increase my balloon making skills.

I’m looking forward to traveling more…and being able to take our daughter with us. I’m looking forward to watching my son graduate from college.

I want to see more Broadway plays. I want to go fishing, camping, kayaking. I want to put stamps in my passport. I want to take my company further…and I want to enjoy doing so.

I want to be more hands on in my community…I want to continue seeing lives changed by the amazing people that live here.

It’s time….it’s time to step forward…there will always be time for clowning…even a few spots I’m sure even this year..:but it’s time for a new direction. I will not be selling any clown supplies…because those are a part of me…snd the door is closed for now but not bolted shut. Clowns don’t need to be in makeup always…clowns are in everyday clothes as well. I was called one everyday at school…and that was never really an insult.

My home, husband, children and business need me..:

Onward and forward….

So many hate winter…I used to be one of them. One day I saw winter and January for how they were intended…they were intended for rest. They were meant to help us reset. The quiet beauty of newly fallen snow. How the earth hushes…I love to take walks after the snow has freshly fallen. The true amazing beauty as it covers the ugly trees that have lost their leaves..and blankets the dead grass.

January is the month where I can look back and reflect on what worked for the year and what did not. New organizers, new calendars new plans.

There is nothing more soothing than walking in a winter wonderland. It reminds me how God made us all fresh and new…despite ourselves after his gift of salvation. There is no greater word picture to me than when snow covers over the city.

I love how January and snow go hand in hand…a time for new beginnings and new dreams. This year has challenges…but we were able to overcome them.

The hardest battle I have to overcome is myself. I can’t enjoy blessings because I’m waiting for the other shoe to fall. I can’t relax because I’m just waiting for the bad to happen. That is not how God wants us to live.

As I look forward to the new year, my role is changing. Some things stay the same..but others change. What once was my only outlet for creativity has now been closed for awhile. With that closure other avenues have opened that require my concentration.

So many times I have felt that door closures mean things are sealed shut and that is not true. Sometimes, certain things happen because that’s not the time.

As I look to the New Year, I like to concentrate on what worked…and make “tweaks” for what did not….

My son will graduate this year from MU…

My stepdaughter will walk and receive her PHD from Penn, in Microbiology

My role at the store is changing and I have a goal that is making me quite excited!!!

We were able to finally go to a Broadway play in NYC…

Caught a fish!

Enjoyed camping……

And kayaking….

Did some playing and continue to learn…

Let’s see what this year brings!!!

Sometimes life just throws some blah at you….since 2019 I feel that our family, as well as many others have had more than the usual “fill”. I also know that’s a selfish way to look at life. To think that only your problems in life are harder than everyone else.

Christmas Eve was “eventful” in a way that I never want to experience again. I don’t have any picture perfect photos…just glimpses. Christmas morning was very much the same. Sometimes, pain comes in waves that can’t be discussed…it just sits for those who know us closely and love us. I will tell you that our marriage is a good one..and our children are successful adults, our 14 year old is a joy, and I am thankful.

The only reason why I put this in words is that it’s something that I’ve found that others have had to deal with. There is such peace in knowing we are not walking alone. There is no picture perfect family. All families have burdens, all families have hurt caused by the hands of others. Everyone needs love end compassion and not fingers pointing. Everyone needs to know that they are important. They need to know they are worth it, not worthless. They are deserving of love and care and dignity. That they matter. That they are worth the struggle.

I pray that you will hold your families close. That you will teach your sons how to be men…that you will teach your daughters that they are worth the wait. That they deserve men that see them as the beautiful blessings that they are. I pray that evil will find its way to what it deserves.

For now, I will enjoy the laughter we had…the memories we made…and the anticipation of better days….

I will hold on to my son wearing this ridiculous shirt that my daughter got for Christmas…

My sons joy at getting his air fryer…

My stepdaughter who brought us a painting from Tuscany…

Matching sister rings….

Puzzle making….

Our dog….

Chocolate bombs….

Sugar cookies

My staff…

My son coming home….even though it was only one full day…

My husband and his turkey…

Thankful for presents under the tree…thankful for our souvenirs from our first Broadway play….

Funny pajama pants…

Life’s pains and joys come in waves…I’m grateful for the good and the bad…because it makes you appreciate the good even more.

Cheers to all for a happy and safe New Year!