The Reluctant Red Nose

It’s amazing how quickly time evaporates…

It’s amazing how little I seem to learn along the way. I feel that I keep learning new lessons the old way and am always surprised by them.

Life is busy and full of many challenges…in the need for rest…I find myself battling. Is the rest needed, or is the rest pure laziness. There is a fine line and a hard battle between those two.

I feel that for many of us…we are given a job to do that only we ourselves can fill. We are the only ones they can do the job effectively. However, we make excuses not to do them. Some of these excuses are legitimate. I used to sacrifice my time with my family in order to pour into the lives of those at our previous church. My motives were pure…and even though I know I did some good and helped people…I know I missed out on time with my family that I will never get back.

I now have one last teen at home…so I can feel free to do some of these “obligations” more…because she doesn’t need me constantly like she did when she was little. The ministry becomes a blessing again…instead of a hardship that drains me and makes me feel like I’m choosing between my favorite loves.

Tonight I fought with God a little bit…a camping trip was moved…selfishly I thought to myself…two weeks of camping…but my husband reminded me that we had signed up for things…we had an obligation…and we didn’t take that obligation lightly.

In doing so…this obligation…opened up the door for another opportunity that I had said no to….but it became crystal clear that my answer should be yes…so I did what all well meaning people do 🥴….I made excuses…I argued…I folded laundry and argued with myself more…walked the dog…and before my eyes the trip fell into place..and I was left with no other choice. Reluctantly I made the phone call….I was half expecting them to say they didn’t need me…but the opposite came to be.

The anxiety I felt went away…immediately. I surrendered completely….what would you have me do, what character would you have me be (she picked my favorite) and all at once…that contentment returned…

I don’t have to explain to people why I do what I do….I really don’t….

I didn’t ask for the burden to share laughter with others something to be mine….but whatever reason it is a job that was given to me…

Some days….I don’t want it. I want to sit in the back and disappear…I don’t want to draw attention to myself. I want to be quiet….but at the same time…I know thet isn’t really who I am. I was not made to sit and be quiet…I was made to make you laugh…and I sometimes forget that. I think Covid made me lazy….I still have to push myself to do what I know needs to be done.

So….yep….keep on going sister….even when you feel you just don’t want to.

My daughters back to school dance was at the most amazing venue…absolutely breathtaking!

She danced the night away with her friends…she had a glorious time!

I haven’t written in forever….life has been crazy.

For my anniversary I found this amazing container home to stay in for a weekend.

We found an amazing coffee shop…

The container home was right by a gorgeous river…that we had all to ourselves…it was amazing.

If you are ever in Mount Vernon Missouri…make sure to look this place up!

I have been to Hawaii three times and I have to say…Cozumel is right up there with it. The water is just incredible….

We went with a tour called Enva Tours. I highly recommend them. It was a gorgeous snorkel event. Snorkel gear is included..along with beer (my husband and I don’t drink beer, but if you desire…it’s there).

Your tour starts with no sunscreen allowed which at first confused me…but then I understood once I saw the glass bottom boat itself. We also leave our sandals on shore.

I am as fair as they come, and I didn’t get burned…

The crew was extremely professional and safe. I appreciated the camera work…which you can buy (and we did) cheaper than an underwater camera…and some of these pictures I could have never gotten…they also got some amazing video.

They even download it on your phone…I can’t say enough good things about the experience…

If you are in n Cozumel…you must do this! Such an amazing time!

I know I’ve been a little down lately, and I apologize for that. I wanted to go into detail about our trip so that you could be prepared if you would like to visit Cozumel.

First thing you should know is we chose Cozumel, because of the fact it was…easy. Flight wasn’t long. Mexico is easy to get in and out of. there is no longer Covid negative tests to get back into the country. Flights weren’t being cancelled right and left like the poor people trying to get to Europe..

Wanted to let you know about our excursions first…and then where we stayed. I do not recommend where we stayed in the least. But more on that on another day….here are my daughter and my top two favorite things we did.

May I also offer some caution. I found it easier to pay with pesos, even though they will accept American currency…but for me, pesos were easier because I could figure out the change back situation much easier in my head than constantly trying to do it in my head. Also, we drank only bottled water and only had ice in our glasses from our resort and those that filtered their water…

Mexican people are very friendly and they are not offended by us asking…

Another thing to keep in mind is most places (this was not the case at our resort) you cannot flush toilet paper…must be put in trash can.

Also, everywhere you go you need to tip…use the public restroom…tip…just easier to have 20 pesos (which is an American dollar) with you always…

Now for the good stuff. We went in July which is not ideal…but we wanted to get away…and Mexico provides a nice getaway.

We decided to go to the choléate factory where we learned how chocolate was made and then made it ourselves…we had an amazing teacher and the whole process was a blast..we were required to wear masks during this whole process but honestly…we didn’t mind and we so loved it!

My favorite was the cactus chocolate…but the cinnamon chocolate is amazing as well…I highly recommend you checking this place out! We loved it!

Will tell you about our second favorite activity tomorrow!

The vet called today letting me know that my dogs ashes were ready to be picked up….I could barely speak as she told me. I couldn’t bear to go today…and I’m not sure I will be able to do it tomorrow.

I should be stronger than I am…but that dog has had my heart from day one.

Charlie was my calm when everything was crazy…Charlie never yelled at me like the teens in my house. He never rolled his eyes..he never said he hated me. Charlie always liked what I was wearing and never judged my makeup…he loved it when I would dress in clown…and sometimes he went with me.

Charlie always greeted me at the door. Charlie always went crazy excited when I come back from a trip…and he loved getting treats. He liked walks and naps and loved it when I rubbed behind his ears. He thought I was the best…and in some weird way…I feel alone now. I miss my friend.

How do you just let something that has been constant for 11 years just go…how do you say…it was just a dog?

I miss how he loved car rides…

I miss how much he loved our customers…

I miss how much he liked our staff….

And how much our staff loved him…

I miss coming down the stairs and seeing him laying in his bed…my routine was Charlie…and I’m out of sorts now that he’s gone…so is my other dog…

The day starts off odd now and ends oddly…the routines we develop and then suddenly stop…are harder to get past then the hurt of the loss…it makes the loss seem greater.

I know Charlie is better off…he isn’t in pain…he isn’t hurting…he could barely walk in the end…but he wanted to stay with us…always…

I feel I betrayed him somehow…and in some weird way I feel he didn’t understand in the end…

I’m mad that our time was cut short…that he was perfectly fine …then all the sudden not…I feel cheated…

I am grateful for his unconditional love and loyalty to me..:I will miss him everyday…

I truly didn’t deserve you Charlie but I pray that you knew you were loved…and that our hearts are broken without you.

Today, I came home from work and my Charlie greeted me at the door. I knew it would be the last time he would ever greet me…

We had just returned from a vacation the week previous…we had made the hard decision to wait until our return to say goodbye.

Charlie was diagnosed with kidney failure at the end of May….the vet said two weeks….Charlie lasted two more months…and would have probably kept going…he was tough.

We knew the way his body was wasting away…how he could not go up the , trouble breathing…not eating much …barely drinking. Not able to have normal bodily functions. He was wasting away…didn’t even look like himself anymore. He was shedding horribly and he had never shed before.

Charlie was just the greatest dog. Everyone who met him loved him. We would take walks people would yell from their cars how much they loved our dog….everyone loved him.

He greeted everyone…he loved everyone…and absolutely no one disliked him. We took him to our store…he even would help out with closing sales…he was really that remarkable.

He was faithful…he was true…he was loyal.

When I was sick he lay beside me…when my Ellie was sick he would lay beside her…he greeted me always with a happy jump…

When you felt you had failed at life…Charlie was there to tell you that you were worth it. That you were worth fighting for. That dog has heard my biggest fears, listened to my cries and heard my biggest secrets….and he’s kept every single one.

I wish I was as good of a person as Charlie was a dog.

As I stood beside him bawling as the vet came in…knowing that he was just going to go to sleep…I wanted to yell no for all the selfish reasons. My dog was tired….he had fulfilled his duty well. He has taken care of our family through many hard times…and many illnesses. I knew it was my time to be brave for him. I needed to let him know we would be ok…that he has done his job of loyal and faithful dog…and we would be ok.

The vet said the final words “he is at peace.” And I felt that that had to be enough….

Someday, when it is my time…I hope that I will have run the race as faithfully as Charlie. I hope that I will have made people smile like my Charlie…

For now…we cry…we miss him. We know that the last four months he wasn’t really himself…

We know that he is in no more pain…and if he was here he would be laying beside us trying to make us feel better because that’s just the kind of dog he was….

We didn’t deserve him….we will miss him forever.

Last night we went shopping for fireworks. As a rule, I don’t normally go…because it depresses me. I see people that clearly shouldn’t be spending money they don’t have…literally buying things so that their money goes up in smoke. We buy fireworks…but we are pretty frugal with what we purchase. As we went through the store…I saw the poppers…the snakes…all the fun things that we bought for our kids when they were little.

4th of July plans were cancelled this year due to some family members being sick…and this year it hits harder than it used to…

Tonight we made the long trek again to my parents house. It’s the 3rd time in two months we have been up there. It’s a long drive…and it’s usually depressing. My dad hasn’t said my name in two months…he remembers my husband and my son and my daughter…but not mine. He knows I’m his daughter…but never says my name anymore…and it weighs heavy on me. It’s not his fault…I’m not mad…just unbelievably sad.

As the days stretch into years…I see the memories of how fast our kids have grown..I find myself feeling guilty for my last child at home…and find myself…wishing that I could go back and freeze those memories. I wish I could go back and hear their voices of when they were little and just sit there with them all and soak that in….but I can’t…I just have to hold onto memories…

As we get older we make adjustments. My family used to always get together for 4th of July. We had homemade ice cream my Dad made …tried to talk to him about it yesterday…he says he doesn’t remember doing that. We always had a big swim party at their house…we all wore those silly Old Navy shirts…and now…those are all memories as well.

My parents sold their house and now they live in a small duplex…and things aren’t bad…just different. New traditions are now made…and with our kids all spread out…it feels emptier…lonely. Trying to find the new normal is hard…and it can be filled with uncertainty.

Life is always a balancing act…and I’ve always felt behind. I feel like I finally find my “groove” and then it changes again…

As a person who likes routine…I find it so aggravating. I thrive on a routine…I am not the “fly by the seat of my pants” kind of person. I delight in knowing what the “plan” is…and sadly, my two children are the same… even days off like today throw me…there’s no agenda. There’s no list to check off and I find myself feeling very incomplete..

I’m at that place in my life…where I don’t want to go anywhere…yet I long for excitement. I find myself having to push myself to do anything. What have I become? I feel tranquility will do me good but then realize that’s the last thing I need. I find myself tired…always…

Two weeks until we go on a real vacation…and I trust and pray that will bring the rejuvenation that I need.

I feel that we never seem to just have fun…relax…there’s always an “agenda”. I miss those days of just letting it all go…let the day unfold how it will. Let the beauty of life surround us. Let the pain and hurt of things we can’t change, go. Embrace what is before us and be willing to change the ”routine” of life.

This life is a beautiful web of pain and beauty. It comes with great loss…great lessons lead to deep wisdom. That wisdom learns to accept the change of life and embrace each day for what it is…a gift…more time with people you love and cherish…

The littles have all left the house…the journey before me is new…uncertain…but I’m going to try to embrace it…

Let the pain of the here and now subside…look forward for what is…and move towards the hope that we have. That someday this pain of this life will be over…and all things will be restored and made new.

Last week I dropped my son off at the airport. He was headed to Chicago to begin his grown up job…I held it together until the sign that read….airport exit. Then, I just cried all the way home.

There is just something about your firstborn…he was the first to call me Mamma. He was my cuddle bug. He loved naps..he loved his paci and his bluie (blanket that was blue duh).

When he was 9 months old he and I set off on an adventure of our own. I sat and rocked him in his adorable nursery that I had worked tirelessly on…and I packed our bags and left. My husband at the time was inviting others into our marriage…wasn’t coming home at all…and was blaming me…for merely existing. After seeing help from my church and receiving no assistance I left, and went into the arms of my family…and I never looked back.

Over those next three years I will only say to you that l did my very best to provide the best for him…and he helped me through the days I didn’t want to go on…he was special…he is special.

Every parent of every child believes their child is special…because all of them are.

This past week he had to grow up fast…being in a busy city he met the worst and the best of people…and there were days he wanted to leave….but we kept encouraging him to press on.

Yesterday, he called me from his new apartment….and I smiled from ear to ear. All his hard work in school just paid off. He is where he was meant to be…he is so proud of what he has…and it was such an incredible moment.

We as parents, wish the best for our kids and when they finally accomplish those goals I just cannot explain the relief and the joy I get from watching my children succeed. I’m so grateful and so thankful.

I can honestly tell you that there were days that ended in tears through his teen years. Drop off at college was not sad for either one of us…he was happy to be away from us and we were thrilled to be away from him. As I spoke to more parents, I became aware that this is not unusual…that many felt the same way.

There were days I felt like a complete failure as a mother. I would lose my temper…say things I should not. I gave in when I should have held firm…I allowed mediocrity when I should have pushed harder.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent. There are circumstances that are difficult and at the time we make the best decisions we possibly can at the time…and sometimes we make good ones…and sometimes we fall on our faces.

As I get ready to raise the last of our four kids..my husband and I are trying NOT to make the same mistakes with her that we did with the other three. We hope to do a better job with our last baby to leave the nest.

For those of you in the trenches…keep on keeping on…you are not alone. Just keep swimming!

Yes, I confess…I began a title with the forbidden word…and…oh well.

This past month went by in a flurry of activity..:

My daughter turned 15…

My son graduated from Mizzou….

My parents moved away….

We celebrated Mother’s Day and violin recitals….

My stepdaughter got engaged….

I turned 48 and celebrated at a weekend getaway….

And now I find myself….tired.

I can’t explain to you what it’s like to have adult children and one teen left…it feels like everything everyday is a tightrope walk.

I remember the bags of snacks and soppy cups. I remember the days of changes of clothes and sunscreen and bug spray…bandaids and neosporin…and I remember the vomit…so much vomit always. Why? Why with every car trip no matter what…we had some sort of throw up.

Then all the sudden…we switch to everything all at once changing.

When my daughter turned 15…I didn’t cry. When my son walked across the stage as a college graduate…I didn’t cry. When the vet told me my dog was 12 (in my head he was 8 and holding) I cried.

I cried because I felt like…somehow the universe had sped up..and I missed it all. I didn’t do all the things I wanted to do on my way to trying to keep all the plates spinning…somehow…I had missed out.

I felt guilt…and sadness. Then I realized, that no matter what…everyone feels that way. On our way to “adulting” we missed a game because of obligations at work.

After having three adult children one thing I have realized….running myself ragged with all the sports and all the things…is not worth it. We told each child to pick one thing…one sport…one instrument and we would do that..and that’s what we did. I have no regrets. I am not judging anyone…but my children k ew that they could say enough..and I would listen. My kids like some downtime…and I respect that.

Soon enough, my 15 year old won’t be able to just sit around and paint. She will have a job and pay bills…and life will seem so overwhelming…so why do that when they are home with obligations?

As I have watched three walk out my door..:and I’ve made mistakes with all three…one thing I’ve decided to do with #4. Say yea when possible..::and no to overwhelming commitments that don’t allow any downtime…or creativity.

Life and Covid have taught me…it’s ok to not do anything for a day…it’s really ok.