The Reluctant Red Nose

I’m not sure what is going on with my movie choices lately…but death seems to be the theme…and every time we watch a movie I spend the nights crying.

Lately, I seem to be surrounded by it…so many suffering with unexpected deaths of loved ones. My heart breaks for all of them.

I do not know what it is about this time of year…when fall folds into winter…the amazing sunsets…cutting of wood. It all takes me back to my childhood….I can hear my dad with the chainsaw. I can smell the gas from it, the familiar thud as we threw the logs in the trailer to go back to the house. The wood burning stove, the smell of chili…cornbread…warmth.

I can hear the nightly drone of the television…the excitement of my warm electric blanket that I’m sure caused cancer…but man did I think I was awesome having one.

I can see the barn and hear the horses running…sitting on the fence posts…dogs running…the smell of puppies. In that moment, I remember being eight…the world seemed large…my future seemed to last forever…now those I knew…have age in their faces. Those who seemed old before…seem even older now….and I find myself confused at the face that looks back at me in the mirror.

Time is all I seemed to have then. The worst part of life was remembering my lunch and my homework and hating math…always hating math.

Tonight, a sign I ordered for my mantle came….

And I can hear this song on the record player…how I would dance around the star candle holder that came out at Christmas. My mother always made our house look amazing at Christmas.

The older I get…the more I realize how fast time is fleeting…and how I want to remember all of the things…the memories, the people, the events of life.

I think that’s why I love photos as much as I do. That helps me keep the memories in order..:like markers. I find that that’s what I do in directions as well.. I have markers to get me to and from places…I do it in hiking as well. Perhaps it’s a control thing.

So next time you get our your phone to take pictures…and everyone complains…remember that’s your “marker” to help you remember…the moment you spent with those you love.

Each year that goes by you would think it would get easier…but it does not. I’m not sure how it happened so quickly…but it did. My boy cub, became a man child…almost overnight.

He came home early…three days early to surprise me.

I sat there in shock as he walked through the door. My mind couldn’t not process that he was in front of me. I was so happy since I was not taking it well that he would not be at home for his birthday….

Sadly, I had two staff members gone so I didn’t get as much time with him as I would have hoped to…but that’s what happens when you own a business…your kids and family have to take a backseat to nearly everything.

Today…..all four of our kids were home….

We have one PhD, almost one with his Bachelors degree from one of the top Journalism schools in the country, and one who dreams of being an artist and already has her top colleges down for where she wants to go. ,

Today, our house was loud….like it used to be. The driveway was full…the food and dishes were piled high…the laughter was loud…and it was like music to my husband and my ears.

They begged to do a funny pic….this is what they instantly did….

They are healthy and happy…..and I am thankful for that. They are all figuring things out at the different places they are in their lives. They are all uniquely different and uniquely talented. None of these children were given “participation” awards. When they were handed one, they said thank you and threw them in the trash. They knew this Mamma….we don’t take those home. You don’t get a ribbon for showing up. That’s not real life.

As quickly as our house filled with noise….the noise began to fade…as the cars left….one went back to college town because he has to work early tomorrow morning….the other two went off to their mothers…we will see them tomorrow night…and the youngest went to her room…lonely that her siblings have once again left.

As I speak to those Mommas who have gone on before me in their parenting of adults…they’ve told me to prepare for the “scraps” we are given. To make the most of them.

The difficult part of all this…is when they are the “ugliest” they get to stay with you…when all the hard work and labor is done…and they become these adult people we like again…they no longer live with you.

Today all four of them cleaned the kitchen…put food away…no complaints…they do this everyday already in their own apartments. No fighting over who got away with what…just all helping each other.

Before I was ready for it….when I had just gotten used to the contented feeling in my stomach of my man cub sleeping under my roof in his own bed…it was over. Before I knew it…the car was backing out of the driveway…the time gone in an instant…

I hugged him one last time before he left. He whispered he would be back in three weeks. Promised he had made his bed and cleaned his trash before he left (a first mind you). then…he was off.

If I was a braver Mom, I would stand on the porch and wave goodbye…but I can’t do it without crying…so I watch it on our security camera…too afraid to let anyone know my heart is breaking. My man cub…is ready to fly.

My heart beats fast as I count down the hours until he should be back at school…and wait for the text that he’s arrived…when will I be ok with him leaving…probably never.

I will never get used to the empty driveway….but I am thankful and grateful…that they all know their way home…that I can fill their bellies with their favorite things. That they are safe and sound and cared for…that they are always welcome…that our home is a safe haven. That while they are here…nothing bad can happen. May my driveway not be empty long. May the loud noise come back soon with lots of sleepovers…

Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Everywhere I turn…bad news it seems. Everyone I talk to has some trial they are going through. Some days I feel that I to am going under.

Fear and anxiety have taken a hold of me….my self worth seems to be broken and failing…my eyes are off the prize…and that’s when everything falls apart. I thought by my age that I would be over worrying about what people think of me…but it still creeps up on me.

There will always be someone smarter, prettier and more talented than all of us. How do we respond when we meet her? Do we say mean things behind her back? Do we make her talent seem easy, not hard to come by…average? Do we downplay her strengths to make us seem more worthy? Have you ever done this? Have you had this done to you?

I am one of those who is NOT the most talented…there is probably NOTHING that I’m better than anyone else at. However, I will tell you that some days this feeling of being not enough is suffocating.

The real difficulty is, my husband, my friends, strangers even….can give me compliments…and I simply do not believe. That is no one else’s fault but my own….but lately, these shoulders are getting heavy with that burden.

No one wants to be around someone who constantly needs to be built up….it’s exhausting for all of us. Right now though, I feel that all of us need that extra boost. We all seem to be “going under.” The normal burdens seem heavier than ever before…things we relied on we can’t rely on…and the road seems to be getting harder. This “season” seems to be a new way of life…not just a “season”.

Surround yourself with those who have their eye on the true prize. I’m a person that will scream that the sky is falling…and try to fix it…while my husband would calmly explain there is nothing to fear. In crisis I am a mess and he is firmly planted.

A terrifying movie we took the children to when they were very small (Spider-Man) took a very ugly turn and there was screaming and tears from all the children and myself as well. I sat there frozen…while my husband covered all three children’s eyes…I clearly, am a force to be reckoned with in a crisis.

There was also the time that he had to preach three different hamster funerals….again, I cried as hard as my daughter…clearly I’m a trooper. My heart was broken that my precious child had a broken heart.

Right now with life, I feel overwhelmed. Pulled in so many different directions, but I can’t run away…I have to find a way to make it all work. All the work seems to be a waste…I do not see the fruit of our labor. I feel mediocre…doing everything ok…but nothing well. The house is clean and picked up but no deep cleaning has been done in awhile. It seems new routines begin and then circumstances or sickness or catastrophes happen and we have to revamp schedules again. I know so many struggling with this…

Sometimes, all we can do is start each week with a new plan, a new perspective…and do little things to encourage ourselves….like my recent obsession with spider webs:

And cozy blankets….

That were made by my little hands…have a great Day!

I am 47….some days I feel as if I’m 107. I want to run away to a place where no bad news can find me. A place where the phone can’t ring with bad news on the end of the line. I want to run away to a place where no bad mail comes in the mailbox. That place doesn’t exist here on earth. Only in my dreams and daydreams.

Today, I didn’t want to make the hard decisions…I wanted someone else to do it for me. I didn’t want to cry in front of the nurse…and cry in front of another…and still another. I wanted to be able to make decisions hard and fast and quick and they be the right decisions. I wanted to stand firm, be tough…not cry…just like my Dad had always taught me to be…tough. Don’t be a big baby…stand on your own. Today, I didn’t want to.

Our decisions affect other people…it’s always a ripple effect. I knew today would be upsetting but no idea just how hard.

I pray you never have to stand and make decisions for your parents. Decisions that are for their best…but no way easy. I pray you never have to have your parents confused or upset because they feel they have been abandoned and left alone. I pray that that feeling never ever comes to you.

I do pray that if you do….that you have the courage and strength to stand. To know that what you are doing is for the best…and that the sun will eventually shine again.

I pray you can find humor when it is given…and see it for the gift that it is….and take a long time to laugh about it.

I pray life is kind…and through it all…you find the sunshine…you feel it…you see it.

Sometimes, it’s hard to find God in these moments of grief and hardship. He is there in the kindness of nurses…He is there with the kind transport specialist. He is there when strangers become friends in the most unlikely of places. He is there when you find you have unnatural super strength.

He is there when the sun comes up after the cloudiest of days.

Today, the weather was outstanding. Everywhere I went everyone was almost electrified at how excited we were about how amazing the weather was.

The weather has been so ridiculously hot…and we are all ready for cooler days. It seems that we are just ready for any good news..sunshine, candles that smell good. Pumpkin patches…all simple pleasures…and all available now.

After taking my daughter to violin and catching up on appointments, answering emails. A quick trip to the pediatrician to get her Covid shot…and I found my insurance card (the pediatrician had it). Then off to pick up my candle that came in…smells fabulous. Even went to McDonald’s for a breakfast sandwich. They were fast and friendly and got the order right…I’m telling ya…it was like electric!

Then we head to our favorite pumpkin patch..nice little drive. We round the corner where my favorite barn is picturesque and it hits me….

That nagging whisper that always comes at me. Enjoy today…because something bad is coming around the corner..that’s why your having such a good day…something bad is coming.

Why do I do that? I had to refocus…and pray because I knew that was Satan talking. Hasn’t God taken care of the pesky problems already hasn’t He made a way when there was NO way. Hasn’t he turned my ashes into gold. Enjoy the day that the Lord has made. I fret and I worry and I dream up solutions to problems that don’t even exist. I cry as I imagine things that will happen to my children that haven’t happened…and I find myself completely in a anxious state…close to having an anxiety attack…all because I listened to the lies of Satan…

As to not frighten my daughter, and yell get behind me Satan. I refocused. Turned the praise music louder…said a prayer of thanks for my car, my daughter, our store, our staff, my children, our home. Said a word of thanks as I drove past my friends business. I repeated the gifts that God has given me…I repeated that He is indeed good…even when we canNOT feel Him.

Then, we went to the pumpkin patch…and we repeated how beautiful the weather was and that today was the day for pumpkins…because it was…

Sometimes…..we lose out on the joy of life because we are waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Take the blessings of today and enjoy them…the trials will come…but enjoy the gift that is today.

We have just returned from a camping/fishing trip….the world gets heavy…my heart gets heavy, and I needed to stand by a stream..listen to a river, and care about only one thing…catching a fish.

Sometimes we need the quiet of nature and being outside to realize what is actually important. How fragile life is…and how quickly someone you love is gone.

The very first person that I have known for a long time died from Covid this past week. He was a kind gentle soul and our world is a darker place with him gone. I hate Covid as it has claimed so many wonderful people.

As I look at what is ahead in my own life…I’ve tried to make some changes in the past several years, but not as many as the last three years. Self image and trying to love a healthier lifestyle instead of a sedentary life. The changes have been hard at times and depressing. I find myself not wanting to take pictures because I’m not where I want to be health wise. I’m more critical on myself than others are…because I believe in perfection…and perfection just doesn’t exist.

I don’t want my children to say I didn’t do things with them. I don’t want them to think that everything I did was perfect and trying new things didn’t require effort…

I want them to run races with me…so far I have done that with both children…

I want them to see me trying new things and not being afraid to be silly and have fun.

This past week my husband took a picture of me that I have been reluctant to share because I felt fat and pudgy and mad at myselfthat I looked this way….

I had been standing in the river up to my knees…intent on catching a trout that I still couldn’t quite get…but he took it because I was just a woman standing by a stream…troubles of the world put aside because I wanted one thing….a fish.

Pictures don’t have to be perfect…but I believe they need to be taken often….every part of life celebrated…often….documented…

I have always been addicted to taking pictures. I wanted to be a photo journalist…even sat my sights on it for college but listened to others instead. Pictures remind us of an event…sometimes my mind can be tricked…but a picture doesn’t lie.

So, start the new hobby…don’t believe in perfection. Show your children imperfection. Keep trying….keep getting back up. Keep giving, no matter who says you can’t do it…and don’t give in. Take the picture, share the adventure…look silly, have fun…be you.

Today was a day….not my finest hour….I won’t go into detail…but let’s just say I had a good cry and then sat in my church lobby for an hour and a half. At the ripe age of 47…Satan still knows how to push my buttons…and he does on a regular basis…somedays…he wins….hands down.

If you were to ask me to tell my story in a brief sixty seconds it would go like this: raised in an extremely legalistic background, where showing your shoulders or knees were prohibited. Dresses or skirts that showed your curves was also against the rules. Words like “cupping” were used regularly. Dress check was a real thing and pantyhose were our best friend. To this day my daughter will never own or wear a Jean skirt…I just can’t…they bring back the worst memories for me.

I was nervous constantly…I guess they now call that anxiety….depressed and suffered from an eating disorder…on zero medications.

I graduated and went to an even stricter university where I met my soon to be husband…because that’s why we all went to college. He was studying to be a youth pastor and then found out he was having several affairs…and involved in porn. I was told by the leaders of the churchy hat this was my fault and I should have been doing my “duties”’as a wife. Little crowded don’t ya think???

Fast forward 20 years….and I’m completely changed….and God was never in those places…He never wanted His name to be taught like it was.

Grace is a word that I still am grasping. Forgiveness is another that I have such angst in Sharing or giving. God is NOT a dictator. He wants to do amazing things in our lives…if only we will let Him.

I don’t sit around daily thinking of my background…but there are things that come about that make me feel like I have PTSD…

I have anxiety attacks around certain people, certain clothing can send me into an attack…my husband has seen it. Certain hymns I cannot stand…and certain recitations recording of the Bible make me have to get away from it. I can’t explain these issues…except for me…they take me back immediately to a very unhappy time…and even though I know I am now safe…I cannot be around it.

The yelling, the hair sprayed hair, the short sleeve dress shirt and tie….and the sound of an off key piano is more than I can bear. It takes me back to my childhood…and I just can’t.

It took me years to go to a movie, wear a dress that was above my knee and actually entertain short hair with color in it…and I’ve never looked back.

It has taken me years to get comfortable in my own skin…and somedays, like today…I just get off the path. I believe that my mistakes show my worth…or lack thereof. I believe I’m unworthy because of my failures…and that I’m a screw up…never accomplishing anything. I believe this because this is what I heard for 21 years of my life. Then at 23 I got married and at 25 realized I was rejected…not enough. Didn’t meet the criteria…rejected✅. Then at the age of 27….widow…no hope of fixing the broken door of opportunity 2…game over.

29….remarried….32 mother again….37….total screwup as stepmother….and here we go again.

I feel that the theme of my life is how many times do you get back up!? Some get back up and they are perfectly fine…and others….like me….need a moment.

I believe the race isn’t about who finished first…nor is it how fast you went. I believe it is about how much you involved others…how you cared for them, worked well for them.

For me…it’s hard to keep my mind set on the goal. I get distracted easily.

This week my heart has been seeing little blonde headed boys wherever I go…and I miss my little boy.

I miss how he would hold my hand, and how he would talk and talk and talk about all sorts of things with me. How he loved bedtime and naps, hated bubbles and needed gloves for dirt. Loved his paci and his “bluie”.

Everywhere I have gone there have been reminders for my little boy who is now a man…and tonight at Target…I just about lost it.

I had promised my 14 year old that she and her friend can go and pick out junk foods to eat tonight. As we stood in line there was a little boy in the cart in front of us with his Spider-Man…singing the Spider-Man song just like my son did…and I felt a million years old. I saw the Moms tired look…and the anxiousness of what was her little boy going to do next. She told him to be quiet…but I just loved his rendition of the Spider-Man song…and while I didn’t want to have to do all the things she has to do tonight before she can rest…I did wish that for just a moment…I could see his little chubby face.

I sware it wasn’t that long ago that we were doing bedtime and bath…reading books forever and praying for strength to get through it. Wondering if He would ever be able to go potty on his own…or go to bed without his pacifier. Hoping that we could go on a car ride without him throwing up.

Christmas was more fun…because I could buy toys and listen to him yell as he opened it. Now, it’s a coffee maker…or clothes…needs…not fun stuff.

He graduates from a top school in our state this year…and I’m grateful and I’m thankful…and I’m so happy to be on this journey with him…but I’m amazed at how fast it came and went. As soon as I blinked it was over…..

I have no reason to cry…only happy tears. My son is healthy and happy…and doing well. But today, I wish he was little. Just for a few moments. So I could kiss that blonde head of his and chunky hands. Squeeze those sweet cheeks and listen to him say “I love u Momma.” But those are on video tape and saved in pictures…those moments are capsuled forever.

Somedays the weight of reality almost crushes me…but I know that my job as a mother has always been to give him wings to fly…to soar. To send him on his way to make his way in the world…but it doesn’t stop me wishing for a moment to buy Spider-Man again…and wish for the days of rocks in his pockets and dirt on his hair.

I will enjoy the FaceTime calls as he’s excited about games again and in person classes. His schedule full and his calendar fuller…instead of being scared and uncertain…I’m glad life is finding some normalcy.

I’ve written posts like this before….I’m not trying to tell you to hold on to each day like it’s your last…I remember those days…they were hard.

I remember the pain and mean things that young boys say to their mother. I remember worrying and praying that we would just get through the day. Raising boys is hard…it isn’t for the weak. There have been so many times I have wanted to rescue him…but I know I can’t. I must teach him to be a man. I know that his friends are more important than we are right now in his life…and that’s ok. I guess it would be strange if my son was whining to come home every weekend instead of being at school.

I know that someday he will meet the girl of his dreams…I have prayed for her for so long…and when he does meet her perhaps I will finally relax. Perhaps I will feel content and happy that he has found another soul to help him in life.

This adult thing is hard…just like the teen years…there is no book that tells you all the things…and the manual doesn’t help because not all kids are the same.

Being a mother to a son means letting your heart walk around and let it do scary things…brave things…big things. It’s the most crushing terrifying thing I have ever done. It starts when they drive, gets worse when they go to college…and then it just continues.

Raising a son means saying goodbye over and over again….

Goodbye to cuddles, and smelly boy hair. Goodbye to cds that I played to lull him to sleep. Goodbye to his favorite blue blanket and his Pooh blanket. Goodbye to his Binkie, goodnight moon book, favorite blue star toy..so many things. What I thought would take forever…went by with lightening speed.

I love you forever.

I feel right now that so many of us feel so many things…yet we have no idea what it is exactly we feel.

I just got back from a business trip late last night. I have spent the day getting things like groceries, the dog groomed, daughter starting violin lessons, opening mail, and a list a mile long.

I have been on a business trip to Vegas. There are good and bad things about Vegas, the good and bad is that it’s very very loud…no matter what time it is. This week…I was kind of thankful for loud…I needed loud…loud to drown out the noise that’s heard all over the world. I wanted to shut out everything and everyone. I don’t want to hear about Covid and the people dying, sick, in denial, refuse to wear a mask, or refuse to get a vaccine either. I don’t want to feel the pain of the parents who lost their children in something I feel, could have been prevented if we had a commander in chief who actually had a plan. I don’t want to hear about the American left behind, the Afghan mothers handing their babies to soldiers…none of it. I don’t want to see the homeless lady who is skin and bones laying on the street sleeping in Vegas . The homeless man washing himself in the fountain, the homeless lady wearing the same dress for all the days we were there…completely filthy. I sometimes feel as if I’m going crazy because I find myself happy, terrified, bawling…overwhelmed…and I can feel all these emotions in a matter of minutes.

As I got on the plane and we took off….the song “Almost Home.” Started playing by Mercy Me. As I looked down over Vegas and felt so small in that airplane so high in the sky…I felt comfort.

Life does not promise to be easy. For many of us, we already know that…there are good days, and bad days ahead of all of us. However, I find that there is always hope…when you least expect it. There is always a way…there is still good. there are even things to laugh about…like funny ways to spell my name!

The longer I travel and the more people I see, the more people I’m comforted by…I saw every color, every race, lots of languages….and everyone…remembered to be kind. It was reassuring. I also appreciate restaurant owners with a sense of humor…

God is not finished with us…there is still so much to be done…and there is a fight to be had…good verses evil…but we already know who wins in the end don’t we!?

As for me, I will try to still the voices in my head of anxiousness and fear.

I will be the good, and look for the good, and I will help to raise the good., no matter the obstacles.

Like you, I want to hide under the covers…but then I find myself going to the gym and working out to my favorite song and then feeling guilty I’m happy. All the things….what am I supposed to feel? What am I supposed to do?

Fight! Each day get up and fight. Fight for your health, fight for your family, your community, the underdog, the abused, the weak, the poor, the sick, the elderly…those that can’t defend themselves. Somedays your crusade may mean you make someone laugh. Provide excellent service, play a musical instrument, show up on time for an employer, bake a cake, teach a class, go to a class…but whatever it is…fight!

When we lay down, become overwhelmed and decide to give in…we will have lost the war. It’s not over…

Find the joy in the everyday…like tea and lemonade….it doesn’t have to be a big thing…something that makes you happy.

There will always be those personalities that bring you down…but continue to rise above it…and some days when you can’t…go have an awesome dessert….

And remember….choose a new hobby….that always is exciting…I finally decided I wanted to learn how to fish….and so I have begun!

Make new friends….get out from behind your screens….there is a life worth living!

For over a year I have kept my mouth shut. I have come to my own conclusions in this year and a half and am dumbfounded at those who completely refuse to admit they might be wrong.

From the very beginning of Covid…people decided, before there was ever a vaccine, they would refuse it. From the very beginning I was completely confused by that. I have heard the arguments from those who don’t agree with vaccinations for their children and some I understand your stance. The other 95 percent of you….I don’t agree with at all. However, I chose to let you live with your theories…until I started being attacked for mine. I’ve been told that allowing my children to receive vaccinations is like setting them on fire. Are you even kidding me right now.

I’ve been blown away at the sheer ignorance for people refusing to wear a mask…even though they’ve been proven to work when worn correctly….people still refuse. Even those who have been told what to expect when getting on an airplane, they still give the airline a hard time…every single time.

When did this become a political thing? When did it become something against your personal freedom to wear a mask? Again, I’m not speaking of the shutdown…nor the stores that were allowed to be open and those that could not. We clearly showed as a country that we completely have no idea how to do a pandemic correctly. We closed down to early…we remained closed too long and certain states learned quickly about their dictators for governors..this is NOT what I’m talking about.

Sadly, We have a huge group of people who refuse the vaccine and then refuse to wear a mask or stay away from large crowds. So you refuse to wear a mask, refuse a vaccine and then continue to spread this disease? I can’t think of anything more selfish. I continue to hear about people who had fevers and felt poorly but still went out with other people..no mask and no vaccine…

Now those of us who have done our research, and have decided to get a vaccine that’s working and helping against this disease and we are told by our fellow Christian friends how we are fools. How this is a government conspiracy. How we have been lied to. How we will explode..I was even quoted scripture stating that I was a fool. Told that they would pray for my attitude because I asked them to possibly think and look at the country of India, and how awful it has been there previously…but they don’t want to listen.

Instead they high five one another while they misquote scripture…state that they love Jesus and refuse to help their fellow man. I have to tell you, you are doing nothing but dividing. I have unfollowed and unblocked even more people than I did last year. I had to block an anti vaxxer who continually attacked me even when I kindly asked her to stop. Told her that we will agree to disagree…she would not stop. I blocked her and then found that she was still sneaking into my stories. She said she’s on a crusade…I’m sorry…what?

I believe Covid is real. I believe people are dying and they didn’t have to. I believe that vaccines help…and I don’t believe there is a government conspiracy. It is a medical situation. If you don’t agree …that’s perfectly fine…but when you come after me and my friends and call us fools because we actually did research…we are done. Stick a fork in me done.

By your attitude and disgusting display of stating Bible verses in ways they were never meant to be interpreted you have now crossed into a whole new level. Your testimony completely obliterated and any good that you have done completely overturned. I watched those of you who applauded the way I was treated…and I’m sad for you. Sad that you feel that this is Christ honoring behavior.

You are free Americans…you are entitled to your own opinion…but so am I. When you bring God into it…on a negative light…now you’ve made me mad twice. As Christ followers we are to be a light to the world. I know many who are uncomfortable with the shot. They wear masks and keep me safe by doing so. They don’t come around my family or my church family when they feel ill. They have never made me feel stupid or unwise for my decision. They have never quoted Bible verses to me in order to make themselves feel better.

As a Christ follower, if your mission is to preach hate against those who make medical decisions for themselves and the good of their fellow man…then where are you getting your instruction manual from? That’s not of God.

My pastor has taught our congregation that whatever we believe on the subject is ours to believe..but hate is not what we should ever do to each other. This, is where I want to be…

I wish I had all the answers. I wish I was a scientist that could explain everything better…I wish I was a theologian who could express it more clearly….I just know that I am me…and I’m tired of ugly attitudes

I pray that those of you with hate in your heart…can learn this one word….