The Reluctant Red Nose

Every week since 2020….I have a little phrase that I’ve kept saying to myself. “Set your expectations low.” I think a lot of us have been saying it…but now…it’s been two years…and all of us desperately want to talk about something else.

Each week at work things change…whose on Covid protocol this week? Can we even plan a week?

When I make a grocery order…I expect there to be “substitutions”…and one day I fear I will snap. It almost happened today…after I had several things that could not be substituted….my favorite coffee creamer was out of stock….my coffee creamer. My favorite coffee creamer…could not be found. Could it be found in my city at all? I do not know…but in my head…no, it could not be found in the entire world…and I just wanted to scream.

There’s a hole in my kitchen ceiling, from a shower that has been leaking. This hole will be fixed within the next week and even a hated and loathed light fixture will finally be taken down…this hole screams to me every morning. I have a board that fell off my window box during a huge windstorm and it’s all I see when I pull up to my house. All these little bitty irritations…and someday I feel I may just snap.

The other night my husband and I went to sonic for a little ice cream treat…no hot fudge…are you serious? There is no hot fudge in the whole world? Seriously?

I now ask if they have things when I pull up to a drive thru with four other options in mind…I keep saying…set expectations low.

My nails even had the weirdest thing happen…the gel my nail lady used was new and absolutely all my nails popped off…it reminded me of the “shutdown”….

Today the weather is mocking me…it’s 54 freakin degrees…I had to take Allegra and had a splitting headache all day…debilitating and ruined the rest of my day that I don’t have to be at my store. Even my husband looked at me and said “you don’t look like you feel good.”

I find myself wanting to get tattoos all over and piercings and dye my hair all sorts of colors. the only thing I will actually do is a little bit of hair color.

I want to plan trips but everywhere I want to go seems to be potentially shutting down again….and if this was 2020….I would be like…okay here we go…it’s gonna be ok….but now I’m in this for close to two years right? And it seems never ending….it feels like we are all just never gonna get off this roller coaster of disappointment, delays and substitutions.

Words I never want to hear again…” testing, we are out of that, substitution, that’s going to have to be virtual only, mask up, hand sanitizer, can I get your temp please, six feet people, vaccination card please. Moderna or Pfizer, wake up people, sheep, and my personal favorite….natural immunity.”

At this point in the science fiction movie I would be the lady who would go off in the middle of the store when the cashier told her she had to get a substitution…I sometimes feel like I’m this close to cracking….but instead I write things like “No worries! I understand! It’s not your fault! “

However, inside I just want to know…how much longer. Can I go two weeks making plans? Do I dare get excited about three weeks out? Will this calm down by April like it has for the last two years? Can there be any other conversations we can have that don’t start and end with Covid?

This past fall…I mean, three glorious months ago…the world seemed to be making it’s way back…and now with the new year and more and more and more mutations…I’m just losing my grip. I’m starting to let go of the rope…I’m starting to give up.

I see this about myself and I want to offer encouragement but I find it harder and harder to find any.

There is always hope…this is not the end…we cannot give up…we have to keep swinging we have to keep fighting…we can’t give in…but some days…it’s ok to lose your mind over coconut coffee creamer…and no hot fudge…I get it. I’m here for ya.

You can lean on me.

I have been given the amazing flexibility of always being able to work from home. Since my Ellie was born, my husband and I have worked together to be able to have me work from home so that I can be with our daughter.

We decided to start homeschooling when my son was in fourth grade…and we continued on. As our business has continued to grow, it has become more obvious that I’m needed at our store.

When this first came to my attention, I was annoyed. I had’t closed the chapter of homeschooling, and I felt that I was being cheated and so was my daughter. However, it became increasingly clear that as the demands of our store increased, my husbands health and well being were being pushed to the limits and a compromise was born.

It is not a perfect plan, but for now it is working.

My daughter had no desire to go to traditional school and with all the challenges from Covid, we didn’t feel that she was missing out on anything. Her education especially. We will continue doing what we have been doing. This time, my husband who was a history major in college will be helping her through…history. It’s a win win.

The doors had also been opened to playing keyboard at our church. Something that I said I would never do has given me great joy….

The one thing that right now I feel we are closing the door temporarily…is clowning. With all the Covid protocols constantly…it has just become impossible. I don’t feel that this is goodbye forever…just see ya later. I do hope to in the meantime to learn the Ukelele and increase my balloon making skills.

I’m looking forward to traveling more…and being able to take our daughter with us. I’m looking forward to watching my son graduate from college.

I want to see more Broadway plays. I want to go fishing, camping, kayaking. I want to put stamps in my passport. I want to take my company further…and I want to enjoy doing so.

I want to be more hands on in my community…I want to continue seeing lives changed by the amazing people that live here.

It’s time….it’s time to step forward…there will always be time for clowning…even a few spots I’m sure even this year..:but it’s time for a new direction. I will not be selling any clown supplies…because those are a part of me…snd the door is closed for now but not bolted shut. Clowns don’t need to be in makeup always…clowns are in everyday clothes as well. I was called one everyday at school…and that was never really an insult.

My home, husband, children and business need me..:

Onward and forward….

So many hate winter…I used to be one of them. One day I saw winter and January for how they were intended…they were intended for rest. They were meant to help us reset. The quiet beauty of newly fallen snow. How the earth hushes…I love to take walks after the snow has freshly fallen. The true amazing beauty as it covers the ugly trees that have lost their leaves..and blankets the dead grass.

January is the month where I can look back and reflect on what worked for the year and what did not. New organizers, new calendars new plans.

There is nothing more soothing than walking in a winter wonderland. It reminds me how God made us all fresh and new…despite ourselves after his gift of salvation. There is no greater word picture to me than when snow covers over the city.

I love how January and snow go hand in hand…a time for new beginnings and new dreams. This year has challenges…but we were able to overcome them.

The hardest battle I have to overcome is myself. I can’t enjoy blessings because I’m waiting for the other shoe to fall. I can’t relax because I’m just waiting for the bad to happen. That is not how God wants us to live.

As I look forward to the new year, my role is changing. Some things stay the same..but others change. What once was my only outlet for creativity has now been closed for awhile. With that closure other avenues have opened that require my concentration.

So many times I have felt that door closures mean things are sealed shut and that is not true. Sometimes, certain things happen because that’s not the time.

As I look to the New Year, I like to concentrate on what worked…and make “tweaks” for what did not….

My son will graduate this year from MU…

My stepdaughter will walk and receive her PHD from Penn, in Microbiology

My role at the store is changing and I have a goal that is making me quite excited!!!

We were able to finally go to a Broadway play in NYC…

Caught a fish!

Enjoyed camping……

And kayaking….

Did some playing and continue to learn…

Let’s see what this year brings!!!

Sometimes life just throws some blah at you….since 2019 I feel that our family, as well as many others have had more than the usual “fill”. I also know that’s a selfish way to look at life. To think that only your problems in life are harder than everyone else.

Christmas Eve was “eventful” in a way that I never want to experience again. I don’t have any picture perfect photos…just glimpses. Christmas morning was very much the same. Sometimes, pain comes in waves that can’t be discussed…it just sits for those who know us closely and love us. I will tell you that our marriage is a good one..and our children are successful adults, our 14 year old is a joy, and I am thankful.

The only reason why I put this in words is that it’s something that I’ve found that others have had to deal with. There is such peace in knowing we are not walking alone. There is no picture perfect family. All families have burdens, all families have hurt caused by the hands of others. Everyone needs love end compassion and not fingers pointing. Everyone needs to know that they are important. They need to know they are worth it, not worthless. They are deserving of love and care and dignity. That they matter. That they are worth the struggle.

I pray that you will hold your families close. That you will teach your sons how to be men…that you will teach your daughters that they are worth the wait. That they deserve men that see them as the beautiful blessings that they are. I pray that evil will find its way to what it deserves.

For now, I will enjoy the laughter we had…the memories we made…and the anticipation of better days….

I will hold on to my son wearing this ridiculous shirt that my daughter got for Christmas…

My sons joy at getting his air fryer…

My stepdaughter who brought us a painting from Tuscany…

Matching sister rings….

Puzzle making….

Our dog….

Chocolate bombs….

Sugar cookies

My staff…

My son coming home….even though it was only one full day…

My husband and his turkey…

Thankful for presents under the tree…thankful for our souvenirs from our first Broadway play….

Funny pajama pants…

Life’s pains and joys come in waves…I’m grateful for the good and the bad…because it makes you appreciate the good even more.

Cheers to all for a happy and safe New Year!

For about 18 years I have been jealous of those that get to enjoy Christmas. For many years I started actually hating the holidays…and I still have to fight it.

I am jealous of those who have days where they can bake together, have gingerbread house contests and who can go caroling with their church. These are things we never get to do and will never be able to do.

Many years I have felt guilty that my children miss out on those things…but after Christmas is over…we get to enjoy all the things.

Right now my husband and I live at our store. We work ten hour days…we have contests and for the first time ever I have someone helping me with social media..but it still remains a two person job. I have the biggest staff I have ever had going through Christmas and it still is so busy. We remain grateful to live in a community that continues to support us.

This year we had the privilege of being a part of creating a pendant given to the graduates of an amazing program here in our town. The SOS house. It get women off the street who have been trafficked, drug abuse…and it works…such amazing people that are working so hard to make our town a better place!

These are things that I’m grateful for, that we get to be a part of.

I enjoy seeing customers who I only see once or twice a year. I enjoy hugs from our customers, people that have struggled with loss and illness…our customers are our friends. We don’t take any of them for granted. As a business we strive to bring the best quality back to our town, so that our customers can have the best of the best. Our dedication comes with sacrifice. Our kids are on the back burners, our family is on the back burners…my house could be cleaner…but there is no other way.

A small business owner has to make those decisions…and sometimes they feel very lonely. I would love to go ice skating and do all the Christmas things…but my child will not lose out …even though things look different. She has a front row seat on how her family survives.

We try to have fun things so that our staff and our children don’t feel that it’s all work and no play…

Our dog comes a lot….he is a favorite…

We play pranks on each other….hiding office supplies in jello.

We have contests….we try and love on our staff…and the days fly by.

Then the day after Christmas we rest…and relax…and enjoy all the things.

My Christmas this year is weird…my adult son will be home a very short time. My youngest is almost 15…and the excitement of Christmas is still there but not like when they were little.

No more footed pjs running down the stairs snd screams of delight…no more wrapping paper frenzies….it’s all soo good…but yet…changed so fast. No toys under the tree…no dolls….art supplies and appliances…

I’m mourning the loss…but trying to embrace the here end now…the change in my career and my role is different…and it calls for compromise. However, with that change comes some amazing opportunities and adventures. With these changes comes time to experiment with some other roles I’ve been to busy to pursue…

My son will never sleep in his bed night after night….my daughters time is going by at warp speed…but so goes the progression with life.

In my head I have it all worked out how each holiday goes…but there not reality. I have three adult children with three adult work schedules and school schedules…so the cost is greater…then opportunities are fewer…but we just make the most of what we do have.

The slow days at home for baking and laundry going all day and candles burning while school is being held are fewer now…but still exist. The opportunities for travel are new on the horizon..but only come because of the shift of change. my priorities have changed…things I thought I could control I cannot…things that I thought I could be responsible for are now being changed to someone else. I’m learning to give away control…but learning freedom through that.

Christmas…fewer family…less time…more work…more rewards later. An exhausting holiday that I once hated…becomes a different perspective and changes my feelings on it entirely.

Don’t focus on the few cranky customers…the missing caroling and missing baking…and concentrate on being able to have a front row seat on the lives of so many others. Finding out about their families, their adventures…dreams, accomplishments. Shaking hands, getting hugs and letting someone else love on your dog (he truly is ridiculous)

Have a good one! We are almost there!

The word toxic is a word that gets thrown around a lot. The actual definition of that word means “very harmful or unpleasant, poisonous.”

The sad thing is, most of us exposed to toxic people, don’t really realize it. We have new words for them.. like “difficult, speak their mind, or having a bad day.”

The truth is…it really isn’t ok. Before you think that I am saying that I am a saint…I am not. I have done my own damage, and my own damage has been done to me.

Toxic people disguise themselves in shiny packages. They say all the right things…or do they? I find myself scratching my head hours after a conversation and wondering exactly how that person meant that comment.

Sometimes you have to walk away from toxic people for awhile…and sometimes you can’t go back.

As I grow older, time becomes more precious. Time with my adult son is fleeting…and I usually get little scraps…and that’s ok…but I want even those tiny fragments of time to be spent in the most positive ways. If I’m surrounding my children with people who constantly inform them that their dress choices don’t align with theirs. Or that their hairline isn’t up to their standards…or if they need another pair of jeans because theirs have holes…we can teach our children to let those things go..but should we?

Do we ever confront the person that constantly throws criticism? Do we ever stand up for ourselves and declare that we will not be spoken to this way…and are still able to save the relationship?

As a parent…I can look at my children walking in and pick them apart in less than two seconds. I wouldn’t call it a gift…I would say that it goes back to my childhood…being raised with older sister who also had a critical eye. I learned to be fast on my feet or get eaten alive. Being the youngest did not win me favor in the eyes of my sisters…but I get it…I was eight years after the youngest sister…and I was yet…another girl.

I wasn’t beaten or starved, or thrown in a basement…I was a kid raised in the 80s….we kind of just spent more time alone than any generation before us….Class of ‘92….ancient memories. There wasn’t a lot of hugging. There were no participation awards…and parents frankly, we’re uninvolved. Quite honestly, we were ok with that.

Decent grades were expected and piano perfection required….and I was happy to do so…as it was the ONE thing I was good at.

My journey so far in life has proven to me that without God…I would have given up long ago.

People will always fail you…God never does. People will talk behind your back, make up lies. People won’t let you sit at their lunchroom table. Girls will tell you your heavy, sparking an eating disorder in a girl who weighed 102. Teachers will tell you you aren’t gifted enough for the speech your about to give…her private student needs to do it…but then you do it anyway…and get a standing ovation, and you beat her student. Professors will tell you your not smart enough to pass his class and you won’t graduate college…but you do. Men will tell you, you aren’t enough…marriage was a mistake…you were only friends…

People will let you do all the work, but when you ask for help, they won’t. People….we are all…just people. Making mistakes…carrying baggage…and harming one another.

I hope that you can find the people that model Christ. The people that have your back. Will help you when you are down. That being you popsicles and medicine when your ill. That take care of your child when your out of town….that root does you. That can be honest with you and tell you when you are wrong. That pray for you. That support your business…because those are Christ honoring relationships. That’s what we are to be to one another.

You know when you finally let go…and that freedom you feel? That’s truly when healing and growth can come../your children can come home without dreading the time….and with any luck…grow up to not blame us for all their “trauma”.

I hope that all toxic relationships can one day be restored….but I will enjoy Christmas this year./.without the toxic feeling in the air!!!

Ever have a job you have wanted to quit? I know as a Mom, I have had my days…especially when my children have gotten to a certain age where they decide to tell me all my faults. I don’t think there is ever anything that will prepare you for hateful things your teen will say to you during those horrible teen years.

No one ever wants to talk about your horrible teenager …because we as Mothers never want to say anything bad about our children.

As I go down the road of the last of four teenagers…I will tell you, that I’m aware of what is ahead…and I believe this time I just might be prepared.

Being a parent is like being a boss. You rarely hear thank you when you do something great. You rarely hear good job, and you are criticized constantly. Even though you try to give praise whenever possible….the praise never comes to you.

Parenting is the same. My faults are discussed, and rarely my accomplishments.

I have tried to have the attitude that I am a work in progress. Perhaps that is seen as rude weak…I am not sure.

I have always been one that people have shared their lives with me. My sister is the same, we have had people come up and tell us their life stories…some of them heartbreaking. Some of them total strangers….this has happened to me so often that by now I am used to it. Some people just feel comfortable telling me their troubles.

People have always felt comfortable sharing their feelings of their thoughts on my appearance, my home, my business. Things I would have never dreamed to say to people, they have felt no issue sharing them with me.

I sometimes feel invisible…that I must carry a very rough exterior…so they think their words can’t hurt me…but they do. For days I will ponder and try to figure out what exactly I did to receive such a review.

Each day..:I get up…make my way to the shower…coffee, then gym. After that, it depends on day of week…some days I homeschool,, other days I go to work…and each day is a choice…

I have a choice to give up and quit..or to keep going….

There are more rooting for me than against me…just have to keep swimming and find my people!

This week the weather has been annoyingly beautiful. I say annoying because I’m ready for sweaters and hats and bugs to die. I’m ready to say goodbye to allergies and my head to finally feel normal. I’m ready for cozy. I’m ready for boots and warm socks…movie nights with blankets.

I’m ready for snow covered yards and hot cocoa with marshmallows. I’m ready for hibernation and cozy nights…I’m ready.

However, when I’m happy most are not…and when most are happy I am not. I don’t like sweating. I do not like the chaos of summer…I hate sunburns and bugs…and did I mention…I hate sweating?!

Tonight, I sat around with a group of people that I have known for almost a whole year…and my life is amazingly better because of it.

Life has still been full of trouble…we have all grieved together. We have Shared happy moments and some really scary times. However, when you have people fighting for you…you seem to go through life a little lighter.

No one would disagree that this last year and a half has been difficult. Our lives will never be the same…and there is still so much worry and fear and anger…but I think everyone that had close friends would agree that that is the only thing that pulled them through.

We as Americans, gained weight, moved, bought animals or became pregnant. We baked more than ever…and then ate what we baked. We did home improvement projects…and then more home improvement projects. We went camping and kayaking…and fished and hiked…and realized that after all that…we all just missed being together.

We bought all the things, went back to nature…and discovered that life without friends wasn’t really a life.

We have watched the younger generations struggle…suicide is up…because what we really all need…is each other.

Life is cruel and scary…I have friends suffering ..and dealing with enormous losses…and the only way to get through it is time…and people to help you carry your burdens.

Just knowing that someone knows my pain and cares about it gives me strength to keep fighting and trying to pull through.

I used to be a person who had given up on people…I just wanted my kids and my husband, a few family members and call it good. I didn’t need anyone…I wanted to just sit in the corner and lick my wounds. I had been hurt and lied about…and my trust was completely gone.

Then, a lady who was a customer of mine…who I really liked and who hugged me every single week at church (whether I wanted to or not) asked my husband and I to join a group she and her husband led. I would have never said yes except I knew she was the real deal. So I said yes…and the rest has been a divine answer to prayer.

Whatever side you are on ….whether you are the one being hugged or the one giving hugs. I hope you decide to give people another chance…that you would open your heart at least one more time.

Second chances sometimes turn out to be the biggest blessing of your life….

I have a second marriage, when I thought I would never love nor be loved again….and now we have second chances with friends…

There will always be annoying people that come across your path. They will say hateful things and mean things…and all I can do is…try to not leave others as others have left me…

I’m not sure what is going on with my movie choices lately…but death seems to be the theme…and every time we watch a movie I spend the nights crying.

Lately, I seem to be surrounded by it…so many suffering with unexpected deaths of loved ones. My heart breaks for all of them.

I do not know what it is about this time of year…when fall folds into winter…the amazing sunsets…cutting of wood. It all takes me back to my childhood….I can hear my dad with the chainsaw. I can smell the gas from it, the familiar thud as we threw the logs in the trailer to go back to the house. The wood burning stove, the smell of chili…cornbread…warmth.

I can hear the nightly drone of the television…the excitement of my warm electric blanket that I’m sure caused cancer…but man did I think I was awesome having one.

I can see the barn and hear the horses running…sitting on the fence posts…dogs running…the smell of puppies. In that moment, I remember being eight…the world seemed large…my future seemed to last forever…now those I knew…have age in their faces. Those who seemed old before…seem even older now….and I find myself confused at the face that looks back at me in the mirror.

Time is all I seemed to have then. The worst part of life was remembering my lunch and my homework and hating math…always hating math.

Tonight, a sign I ordered for my mantle came….

And I can hear this song on the record player…how I would dance around the star candle holder that came out at Christmas. My mother always made our house look amazing at Christmas.

The older I get…the more I realize how fast time is fleeting…and how I want to remember all of the things…the memories, the people, the events of life.

I think that’s why I love photos as much as I do. That helps me keep the memories in order..:like markers. I find that that’s what I do in directions as well.. I have markers to get me to and from places…I do it in hiking as well. Perhaps it’s a control thing.

So next time you get our your phone to take pictures…and everyone complains…remember that’s your “marker” to help you remember…the moment you spent with those you love.

Each year that goes by you would think it would get easier…but it does not. I’m not sure how it happened so quickly…but it did. My boy cub, became a man child…almost overnight.

He came home early…three days early to surprise me.

I sat there in shock as he walked through the door. My mind couldn’t not process that he was in front of me. I was so happy since I was not taking it well that he would not be at home for his birthday….

Sadly, I had two staff members gone so I didn’t get as much time with him as I would have hoped to…but that’s what happens when you own a business…your kids and family have to take a backseat to nearly everything.

Today…..all four of our kids were home….

We have one PhD, almost one with his Bachelors degree from one of the top Journalism schools in the country, and one who dreams of being an artist and already has her top colleges down for where she wants to go. ,

Today, our house was loud….like it used to be. The driveway was full…the food and dishes were piled high…the laughter was loud…and it was like music to my husband and my ears.

They begged to do a funny pic….this is what they instantly did….

They are healthy and happy…..and I am thankful for that. They are all figuring things out at the different places they are in their lives. They are all uniquely different and uniquely talented. None of these children were given “participation” awards. When they were handed one, they said thank you and threw them in the trash. They knew this Mamma….we don’t take those home. You don’t get a ribbon for showing up. That’s not real life.

As quickly as our house filled with noise….the noise began to fade…as the cars left….one went back to college town because he has to work early tomorrow morning….the other two went off to their mothers…we will see them tomorrow night…and the youngest went to her room…lonely that her siblings have once again left.

As I speak to those Mommas who have gone on before me in their parenting of adults…they’ve told me to prepare for the “scraps” we are given. To make the most of them.

The difficult part of all this…is when they are the “ugliest” they get to stay with you…when all the hard work and labor is done…and they become these adult people we like again…they no longer live with you.

Today all four of them cleaned the kitchen…put food away…no complaints…they do this everyday already in their own apartments. No fighting over who got away with what…just all helping each other.

Before I was ready for it….when I had just gotten used to the contented feeling in my stomach of my man cub sleeping under my roof in his own bed…it was over. Before I knew it…the car was backing out of the driveway…the time gone in an instant…

I hugged him one last time before he left. He whispered he would be back in three weeks. Promised he had made his bed and cleaned his trash before he left (a first mind you). then…he was off.

If I was a braver Mom, I would stand on the porch and wave goodbye…but I can’t do it without crying…so I watch it on our security camera…too afraid to let anyone know my heart is breaking. My man cub…is ready to fly.

My heart beats fast as I count down the hours until he should be back at school…and wait for the text that he’s arrived…when will I be ok with him leaving…probably never.

I will never get used to the empty driveway….but I am thankful and grateful…that they all know their way home…that I can fill their bellies with their favorite things. That they are safe and sound and cared for…that they are always welcome…that our home is a safe haven. That while they are here…nothing bad can happen. May my driveway not be empty long. May the loud noise come back soon with lots of sleepovers…

Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.