The Reluctant Red Nose

Normally January is my favorite month. It’s my planning month. It’s the month that I can reflect, be still…watch snow fall with a cozy cup of coffee. Walk around with no makeup on and leggings and warm socks while the washer is going and the crockpot is making some amazing soup…and I’m helping my daughter with homeschooling. Those are my favorite days. The “at home” days.

I usually plan clowning events for the year until summer…plan the themes for which I will do games at the retirement homes. I plan for teaching courses….but as for everyone, this year is different.

I sat down this evening, and I changed some things. My husband went to bed early, because the holidays always kick us in the butt…and the anxiety of this year has been no different, it’s added to the already stressful times of year. As I folded laundry, cleaned the kitchen, paid the bills…And I thought about what I could be Intentional about this year.

My husband and I are in the market for a rowing machine. I’ve done running…and after breaking my leg on a 5K race…I’m sure that I will never feel confident enough to run again…but I still want to be fit. This year I wanted to replace my rugs. Get a new couch and update a few pieces in my wardrobe and take advantage of some shoe sales…which I have done.

Like most Americans…I usually don’t put much thought into purchases…it’s cute…ok…let’s have it…but there’s this age you become…where you just want to vomit if one more thing comes into your house. Right now the sales are extreme as the retailers make their last push to get rid of winter products before they launch spring. Can I just say how irritating that is. It’s barely winter…and if I lose all the gloves in my house…I will only be able to purchase swimsuits in February NOT gloves. In other years this would annoy me slightly…with Covid it enrages me…where are we all going in swimsuits? We can’t go anywhere yet anyway!!!!

For awhile now, I’ve tried to do the rule of whatever I bring into my house….something else must go. It’s been working….but that urge, that panic that sets in that I just may not have a sweater to wear for the winter feels real…even though it isn’t. The latest and greatest toothbrush that sanitizes, I should have that…because you know….Covid. If I don’t have this in my house I would be ready for “the gram”.

Today We cleaned. We purged…we cooked, we did laundry…and turned off the noise. Sometimes the noise is what you think brings you joy. You only need to turn it off to realize the immediate calm that fills your soul.

My dog Charlie is happy Christmas is over…he has his favorite spot back….

I hope the next few days you will enjoy some sparkle lights a bit more…and realize…we all don’t need all the things…that won’t bring you joy…just clutter and a skinnier wallet.

My son has gone back to his apartment, nearly three hours away from me. He has gone back to his job, his life as an RA for the college he attends and back to his fancy apartment, that being an RA allows him to live.

This visit was the shortest in the history of ever that he has ever stayed…and even though I wish it was longer….I am just thankful for the time I do get.

Having three adult children the delicate dance is difficult. One that is in college we try to give him his freedom but at the same time he needs to respect the fact that staying out until late will no longer work for our schedule that we keep. We also have a 13 year old who needs a schedule.

I have a ritual when my son leaves now…I try to clean his room and wash all bedding and towels immediately. I try not to cry…as I clean. I know I only have one more year before the room will be packed up as he leaves for his new life. I look at the pictures of elementary sports and jr high and high school. I go through his senior book I made and his Eagle Scout book….and wonder where the time went.

Every time he comes home he gets taller…either that or I shrink.

Adult children are complicated. How much do I say? What advice do I give? When do I keep my mouth shut and when do I speak up. When do I quit worrying about them?

The little boy that loves Buzz Lightyear and Star wars and lightsabers is gone…maybe someday he will return when my son has a child of his own…but for now those are just memories.

The last four days have been a sucker punch to me. I hate change…but yet, it surrounds me.

Today, our pastor left…a new door has opened for him and we are so sad to see he and his wife go..and uncertainty with the direction of our church looms.

I’m reminded of the fact that my father is starting to have memory issues…and I have to tell you it hurts more than I ever dreamed it would.

This is also a time of difficulties with family. They see things differently…feelings are hurt. Tempers soar…and people refuse to offer any assistance. Sometimes it’s left unfairly, to one person…sometimes it’s spread out.

For me, how do I create balance? How do I cut out the negativity when dealing with such hard things? I’m not sure….I’m still trying to figure it all out. I guess in the end…I have to let some people answer for their own decisions…and not allow their selfishness to rob me of my joy.

Change comes to all of us…of that I’m aware… it why does change have to happen so often, so quickly…and why do I have tears so often?

Why does life make us all hurt soo much?

There was a day when I thought the hardest thing I had to do was teach my children to read and be able to use the facilities by themselves. I remember the nights when they both could shower by themselves! What joyous freedom that brought! if I only knew the more freedoms I gave them, the sooner they would be ready for flight…because that would mean they were prepared.

Now, I prepare the last one for flight…and it’s already flying by….she’s halfway to 14…and I’m at a loss as to why we are here so fast.

Take the picture, take over the chicken for dinner. Take the trip, and remember how quickly it all goes and changes.

Today, I slept in until almost 9 am….it felt glorious.

I had three things on my list of things to do. Make my bed, water my plants and clean my kitchen. I was successful. For two weeks I have lived at my store. When not at my store I have been working on social media non stop…and it was successful. So, everyone is so anxious to take down Christmas…and I’m still enjoying it being around.

Each year I get a little bit more subtle…but it will stay up for one more week…and then the winter theme will be in full force with a bit of Valentine influence….

Like many of you I have no idea what to expect from this year. I normally have grand plans and adventures….but this year….I’m determined to do something I haven’t done in quite a while.

I’m going to work so that the hikes I take this year don’t hurt as much. The kayaking gets more adventurous and isn’t just done on a lake. The camping becomes at least twice a month for the weekend instead of four times for the whole season.

I’m going to learn to play my ukulele….so that I can use it during clowning…..

And I’m going to do one thing that puts me out of my comfort zone….which I’ve already put the plans into place for.

Those are things…that I can plan. I can plan dinners and how we eat and how we spend our time. those are things I can dream about…and other things are just icing on the cake.

I no longer make the statement…that it will be over by such and such timeframe…I just deal with the here and now…praying to always be ready for whatever is thrown my way.

These past two years have shown me that God is faithful. No matter how bleak our circumstances appear. He has shown me that I need to not fear and worry…even though I still do it. He has shown me again and again that He has my back…but I constantly ask.

This new year sounds scary…and uncertain…and exciting as well…but rest in the fact that He who began a good work in you…will complete it. And now…give it to God, and go to sleep.

This time last year I was planning for the best year of my life. Not one person on the planet could have predicted the year and all the events that followed.

There is not a person on the planet who can say they are not happy to see this year end…but there are many amazed at how we made it through.

As an owner of a retail store I am amazed at the amazing God we serve and filled with complete awe and gratitude with our community. Our Christmas exceeded last year and our Christmas Eve was the busiest we have ever been in the history of ever. Many times throughout the day I fought back tears of gratefulness. To be able to make it through a pandemic, government shutdowns, looting at many stores in our industry…I stand amazed. Out of the ashes comes amazing miracles. I have an amazing staff and a great town…that supported us and we are so grateful.

Last night was difficult…my son for the first time saw first hand how my Dad is starting to show the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s. It was hard..it was scary…and I found myself quite overwhelmed. As my son and I drove home we had a chance to talk about life and how quickly it seems to change. Everyone thinks that people will always be there…that they have all the time in the world to “get around to visiting.” The truth is…they can’t. All the excuses we dream up…all the things we are busy with will one day not matter. My Dad who could fix anything, do math in his head, and figure how much carpet you would need in a room without a calculator, is no longer the same. He forgets what day it is (sometimes so do I)….but the challenges have now become greater and the battle is all mine…yet again.

We only get one life…we only get so much time to make an impact….and I don’t want to have regrets.

This life gives you good and bad….and sometimes that good and bad can occur on the same day. The fun of a great holiday…with the realization that someone is suffering…and things will never be the same again.

My son called me tough last night. He has seen me do hard things. Things that most moms don’t have to do…I’ve worn all the hats….I’ve done all the things….but I like myself best right now.

I continue to sit with the broken…work with the broken. Because, I’m so very broken.

Christmas was good and bad for so many. We had a daughter who didn’t come because of covid concerns. Had to split up Christmas visits…and opened presents on zoom calls. However, take the good with the bad…know that we won’t always be like this…and life will resume as normal once again.

Edited to add: Apparently, there are some family members who are upset that I wrote about my Dads condition on a public forum. He does NOT have a diagnosis from a doctor. However, those that are around him daily or several times a week would agree that it is either that diagnosis or another one similar. As difficult as it is to accept…there are amazing things that doctors can now do to help with quality of life which is my hope. Those frustrated or feeling blind sighted should ask themselves the question…where have I been that I haven’t been involved to see this for myself? I’m not here to ease your guilt.

I have a new couch floating in the ocean….it’s waiting to enter port by California. California is basically closed….so like a ton of others…I wait.

A year ago, I looked at 2020 to be the best year ever…but like many, I’ve learned just how good I’ve got it.

So far, as of the date of this writing, my family has not had Covid. You could argue that we have great immunity. You could argue that we got our flu shot. You could argue that even from the beginning we have been pretty careful. The last few months we have been extremely careful. I know that many have…and I can’t explain how we haven’t gotten it and others have.

Many still argue about the validity of wearing a mask. All I can say is I was skeptical in the beginning. Listening to the experts who could not even figure out what was true what wasn’t. I will tell you that I do believe that masks work, because I’ve seen the proof of that with my own eyes. When they are worn properly, they are effective. When they are worn below your nose and on your chin, they cease to be effective.

Many argue about the shot….I have no opinion. I have friends in the medical field getting it and I have family members getting it…and I will wait for the their expertise.

This year I have watched my daughter learn to cook, increase in her ability to be a fabulous artist. We have logged some serious math hours…as we have now jumped ahead a semester.

Our family has camped and hiked and kayaked and with the exception of the RV experience…has absolutely loved it.

We have enjoyed the state of Arkansas…and that’s pretty much as far as we have travelled this entire year…with the exception of January and February (the last time we were on a plane).

Tonight my mind won’t keep racing. Hoping I didn’t forget anything for Christmas…at work, my staff. Checking schedules and contests and making sure we have sufficient food for the two dinners we will have . Much smaller than in years past…but nevertheless, we must eat.

I refuse to look at next month. I refuse to worry about all the changes. I refuse to get bogged down with all the ugly that I see in this world. I refuse to give up. I feel that that is what so many are doing.

I to, have bad days…days I just don’t care anymore. Days I can’t think of one more positive spin to put on everything.

Truth is, I’m sick of not being able to travel. I’m sick of not being able to plan for the year. I’m ticked that my couch won’t be here for Christmas, and I’m sick of seeing how much money people have spent purchasing online instead of local businesses. Truth be told, I’m pretty steamed at people who continually are confused at why small businesses go out of business but go to the big box stores for inferior products…..and then bring it to my store for us to fix. 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️ I’m tired of seeing kids not being able to sit on Santa’s lap…instead they sit behind a glass screen. I’m tired of wearing masks and not being able to see people’s faces. I’m tired of not being able to hug people. I’m tired of not being able to clown. I’m tired of not being able to have people over to my house. I hate the word “virtual” and never want to hear it again. I despise the phrase “in this together”. And I think that as soon as this is over we never hear the words “cancelled, because of covid” ever again. I never want to hear the words “essential employees” and “non essential”. Don’t want to hear the word stimulus checks. I just want to hear: “Here is your couch! You can go to Morocco now! How about clowning around! And the entire neighborhood is coming over for dinner, and everyone needs a hug.”

We will get there someday….and me sitting here trying to “will” it to happen….won’t make it happen sadly. It will just mean that I will be one tired woman tomorrow.

I have a sign that I got from the one Christmas party we were able to go to this year…and the signs says “Give it to God, and go to sleep.”

Today….I tried to forget…tried to focus on the happy….and since we don’t have snow coming…I made my own…enjoy!

Hold on everyone! We are almost there!

The older I get, the more I wish I could slow time down.

Today, I sat in church listening to a minister who is walking through the darkest trial any of us could never wish to go through. His pain was raw, new, and I sat listening to him praying for him as he spoke…his soul….his very soul is broken.

He spoke such truth…:if you have walked through the muck and mire of death then you know from where he speaks. The people who tell you that bad things only happen to bad people. Trials don’t come to those who walk with Jesus. Your trial is going to help someone else…that is why you are walking through this…these are all things I call horrible lies.

When your soul breaks…it makes a horrible sound…and only those who have lost have heard it. It is haunting…it never leaves you…and it will never be erased from the memory of anyone who has heard it. I’ve heard it a few times in my life…and when it was others…I personally cry out to Jesus for Him to help us…there is no other reaction that I ever have…just crying and crying out to Jesus.

Today, as I sat and bawled and listened to a man whose heart is broken…but still trusts Jesus….I remember that turning point that I had one night in my own apartment…with my little boy laying in his bed. His father was dead and I was left so alone…so very alone. Except l wasn’t..:it just felt that way at the time.

The words that people spoke to me in a hateful and negative way are etched into my brain….but what if..what if I chose to focus on the good of people that day…those months. What if, we looked at the good people did…instead of the pain.

I refuse to go to Ladies groups at church…at any church. I refuse to attend. I’ve been lied to, and lied about so many times that I no longer have the strength to try again. I’m tired…I’m so tired.

I instead, want to be with those who have nothing to prove…who are secret warriors. I surround myself with those that have been broken…and then have been made new.

I want to sit with the broken….because I am….broken. I will never be put back the same. I once had haughty ideas of life…and how people should act and be. I was very black and white…but life is not black and white. Life is bloody and dirty. Life makes us pay for the sins of others. Life doesn’t care how old or how pretty you are. It doesn’t care how tired or broke you are. Life knocks you off your feet and dares you to get back up again. Life tells you you are not worth it…you won’t make it.

I look back at the me before…and I don’t like her. She was judge mental, she believed bad people had bad things happen to them because they were in fact, bad…….only to find out that that wasn’t in fact true at all.

The broken can see things that those who have not been broken cannot see. That’s the beauty of Jesus…He uses the broken parts…because we that are now broken look at life with new eyes. We see the dirty, the homeless, the drunk, the beggar…the single father or mother with fresh eyes. We see the hurting, the lonely that no one else sees. We see the suffering that others miss…because we are looking for it..and that’s when the beauty really starts.

God has called us to a hurting world…but many of us want to do it with gloves on. We don’t want to get too close. Then all the sudden..we get our hands dirty…because we had something happen to us that broke that perfection shell we had, and the real transformation can now take place.

When we look at each day with “me” eyes and not “others” eyes. We will never find happiness. If we constantly seek what’s best for us…we will never know true joy.

I cannot change my past…the good, the bad. The mean things that I’ve said with an air of distrust and superiority…but I can change who I am now…how about you? Are you ready to sit with the broken? Get your hands dirty!

Everyone has people in their life that they have to learn to deal with. Right now, even small difficulties seem overwhelming and impossible. Such hurt and such sadness and I have no idea how to make it better.

Yesterday during church, I sat and reminisced of the previous two nights where I had sat with those who have been as low as life can take you. Being with them made me forget every single trouble…I had. Every single one….then today….reality.

How do you deal with those who suck out every ounce of joy and strength from you!? How do you handle people that are selfish and only look at their lives with no consideration of anyone else? I don’t know either. I just know that the only way I can usually deal with life….is to change my focus.

As I sat in church, several names were laid on my heart to not only pray but to do..to get up and exercise an act of service…an act of service with no pictures….and no self recognition.

The hardest days of my life were pre Facebook. And for that I’m grateful. The people that I remember are the ones that just sat there. Who ironed my clothes…who told me what to wear for the funeral. Who dressed my son. The ones who stood at the graveside before they could Instagram it. The ones who stood quietly nearby. The ones who were there for the ugly…the uncomfortable.

I’ve sat beside friends whose husbands have walked away from them…just like mine did. I sat in silence and prayed silently over them. I’ve sat in a room and heard the wail of a mother who lost her child…it is the sound of a soul breaking. I pray you never hear it.

I’ve cried out to God loudly and often as my own soul broke asking Him why He wanted me to walk such a broken road….He said….why not? I answered that it just too hard and that I could not do it…but with His help and so many encouragers along the way…I did just that.

I’ve watched children move out for reasons that led to destruction. I have lost countless hours of sleep while I nursed a sick child back to health constantly wondering when we should run to the emergency room. I’ve had people look at me and assume how easy my life is…never knowing the hard road that I’ve walked…and I hope the road that I’ve walked doesn’t show on my face.

I hope the lessons I have learned don’t show, I hope I haven’t become callous ….I hope the only thing that shows is empathy. If I grow old and still can only look at myself, then it has all been for nothing….if all I can ever do is see how the world treats me and never look at what I bring to the world…then I have learned absolutely nothing.

Each day that you are alive is a gift. I don’t always see it that way either…but it is. What impact are you making? What joy are you spreading?

Covid has been a nightmare. It has crushed dreams and businesses. It has killed thousands and left families destroyed forever….but our lives are still important. We still have a job to do. Be smart and creative….but we still have so many things we can do.

We can still call each other. We can even FaceTime. We can send flowers….flowers don’t have Covid. Or plants. We can do drive by to our friends and neighbors. We can and we should. We can write our friends who live far away. We can say I’m sorry, I was wrong.

At a small function last week, I received as my present a sign that says “give it to God and go to sleep.” I’m horrible at it…as I’m up right now…still upset at the” grumpy” I had to deal with today. However, I just bet…that “grumpy” is sleeping just fine…and I’m the only one awake.

This Christmas will be weird and different,just like this entire year. We have one child not coming home…and our family gathering will already be much much smaller.

As different as it may be….we have much to be grateful for. Even though right now it seems hard to find.

I encourage you to sit in the quiet…look around you…listen to that voice urging you on. Pay attention when that face and name is laid on your heart…and go and do what God has asked you to do. There is no better time than now.

Go help therefore and be a light. A light for all to see. You may just be someone’s hope.

Go bring some hope to someone…and spread Hos love.

Last week my baby boy was home from college and we celebrated his birthday…and we hada lovely time with him…

The week was fabulous and ended well…but alas it did end…and he has to go back to his town and his job and his apartment and his life. I winced when he called it home….but that’s what we are supposed to do…give them wings.

Saturday, my husband and I worked at our store and then went out. It was a lovely night. Actually warm enough to walk around outside. Our town was being very cautious with mask wearing and supporting small businesses and as a small business owner…nothing makes me happier.

I was actually giddy…a fabulous meal with a lovely waitress…it felt like forever since we had done that.

Sunday our daughter was baptized. She has been wanting to do this for a long time../but finally got up the courage to do it.

She then had a violin recital….and that was awesome as well.

In years past….I would have taken these events for granted. Concentrated on the negative…instead of looking at the weekend and the glorious beauty of just living a normal life feels like.

I’m so tired of washing masks daily…I’m so tired of not being able to hug people. However, because we have become more serious about masks the numbers are going back down…and that makes me so very happy.

I admit in the beginning that I believed the CDC and thought the masks were ineffective …but now I see with my own eyes…that they are what allows us to remain open and continue on with somewhat of a normal life.

I pray that holidays finds you well and happy. I pray you remember your fellow man and be socially responsible.

I slept soo good last night. There is nothing better than going to bed knowing all your children are safe in their beds. Tonight, will be the last time for a very long time before that happens again.

No one tells you about the good night kiss and good night hugs that you take for granted now. When all our kids were little we prayed together and tucked them in. With my youngest, I held her and kissed her a thousand times… I hope she remembers that.

Our house was always noisy…but now…it’s quiet..with the occasional thumping around of our 13 year old.

I opened the door to my college sons room…the mess is the same…. but now I don’t care.

My favorite time of the day is early evening…time for dinner and all activities coming to an end….but now when the sun begins to set, the ache I cannot describe. The pain becomes almost paralyzing. I don’t want him to go back to school and his apartment and his job…but I know he must. Those times of hugging and kissing his little head are gone. He know hovers over me…and sometimes I catch my breath as he changes before my eyes from the tiny toddler to the man.

Oh mammas…watching your boys grow up goes as fast as the sun going down at night. You think you have hours…but it turns into just moments.

I hope he always longs for home. I hope he always misses my cooking…and I hope he always knows how much better I sleep when I know he’s in his bed asleep under the same roof as me.

I pray he always knows he is soo loved…and even though I know he must go….for just a moment…I wish we could go back and I could tuck him into bed….one last time.

Well, the last child in our family just had a birthday…so that means that absolutely every single person in our household has had to deal with Covid birthdays. I will say the May birthdays win it for the team since we were on lockdown.

At the time of this writing, our little community is being hard hit. Those that have it are still walking around carrying it to others and not wearing their masks properly.

I will say in the beginning I myself was unsure of masks. I kept hearing from the top down conflicting reports and so I quickly became a doubter. However, since May, I have been wearing one…but I refuse to wear one when I’m outside…unless I’m in a crowd of people.

This year has been a nightmare…for everyone. We are all sick and tired of absolutely everything. We are just plain weary. I’m tired of fighting and I’m tired of debating. I just want to operate my small business and allow others to do the same. If you are sick, stay home. If you have an underlying condition…stay home. If you refuse to wear your mask…stay home. There is now enough evidence out there I do believe they are helping…but they will not if you don’t wear them properly.

Today, we were able to celebrate my eldest child who will be 21 and I just can’t believe it. I’m so proud of all he has accomplished.

As soon as he was born I had to check to make sure that he had all his fingers and toes and that he was perfect…and he absolutely was.

He was a perfect baby…and I can’t tell you what a delight he was.

There are some children that are just special and both of mine truly are…but life sometimes calls us to so hard things. Life chose to give us a difficult hand… but in spite of that…we made it.

In life, there will always be difficulties. There will always be things that don’t feel good. What makes us get back up? What makes us keep trying? What motivates you? What excuses do you have and continue to make? What do you want to change? Sometimes in life when we struggle…we learn quickly how to make that situation work in our favor. The key to success is to take the lemons of your circumstances and not just make lemonade…but strive to go beyond that. If you constantly throw out the negative things that happened to you. You will only stay right there…that’s as far as you will go.

My little boy, gave me a reason to get up in the morning and keep fighting. I hope, he learned the same from me.

At 21…it’s difficult to see where he will go. Who he will choose, who will choose him. What career path he will take. This is the part of parenting that is hard. The part where we must be silent to many things and a cheerleader to even more. Give advice when asked, and keep mouth shut when not asked. Be supportive, but not manipulated…and continue to expect the best. Set the bar high…and encourage them to reach it.

Happy birthday to my favorite son! I love you!