The Reluctant Red Nose

Oh my, what a beautiful week of weather we have had…

Last week started off with so much rain…but the weekend gave us amazing weather. We started the weekend off with some more amazing kayaking. My favorite place. This was the last weekend for the season, so we were thrilled to get one last time in with our favorite place.

We then, celebrated my husbands birthday with the most amazing cake from a local bakery!!!

We then marveled at my daughters handiwork for her dad…she wanted to combine his love for guitars and gems all in one piece.

She is certainly far more talented than I ever thought to be.

We decided to finally go to the pumpkin patch…and we saw some adorable pigs…

I was soo thankful for the time to be outside….to be around some animals and spend some time supporting a local farm.

Came home and decorated our front porch…and now await what this next week brings us!

Today it was raining and cold…and I baked my feelings….I most certainly did…and it felt glorious. I baked for my neighbors, my massage therapist…my staff.

I baked bread and cookies and homemade cinnamon rolls and even an apple crisp. I made homemade bread and a hearty stew. I was the king of the kitchen today.

We conquered homeschool like a boss and even got all my cleaning done. I was back with groceries before my husband even left for work…I was KILLING it today.

I took my daughter to youth group for the first time this year because she said that even though she would have to wear a mask she just had to be with “her people”. She’s brand new to the youth group so I’m not sure who “her people” are, or if they know they are “her people” but she’s coming for ya!

We conquered kayaking on Monday at a brand new place….

Tuesday after work, I got three hours of quickbooks done after spending four hours the day previous on other things for work…I was on fire!!!

Tomorrow I actually get my hair and nails done and my daughter can actually skate with her friends….so far it hasn’t been cancelled.

My beloved Chiefs play, And even though I won’t watch the game because my boy is away at school…and it makes me sad without him…I’m so happy that we can actually even WATCH a game!

If you would have read this blog post a year ago you would have thought that I was insane. Being happy over sooo many things we always took for granted, because our entire lives this is what was.

I keep thinking soon it will be over….but it seems like an old sore that just refuses to heal. I have no advice for my college son. The only thing I could tell him was to find a new routine…something that keeps him moving. Something that keeps him off Twitter and social media…which drain the very life out of us.

I have good days (like today)….and really bad days (like last week). Right now, I have found yoga and kayaking and outdoor adventures to be the main thing that keeps me sane. I need to get out and move…I start to feel trapped and like the whole earth is trying to swallow me.. I have to be outside so that I don’t feel trapped…and yes, I’m aware that sounds psychotic.

Plans right now that don’t get cancelled elate me to new heights. I’ve never been more excited to go to a roller rink in all my born days (or perhaps I mean…my adult years).

I’ve quit saying…this will be over soon…I can no longer look that far ahead…

What does this week have? What’s on the agenda for next week? And I look no further. I can’t bear to.

Plants and llama planters and coffee cups make me smile…and pumpkins…and pumpkin spice.

What small MUNDANE things make you smile? Concentrate on those…they are Gods special way of saying…He’s for you and He’s got this!

As soon as I get used to a new schedule it seems to change. It seems as soon as I get really good at hitting the curveballs, the game changes all together.

The other day my daughter and I went to the apple orchard. I asked her if she wanted to pick apples or just grab a bag that the staff had already picked. She of course chose to just pick a bag out of the coolers…and who could blame her. She’s been picking apples since she was this big…..

It still felt weird….leaving without the picture to see how tall she has grown…or to take her picture in the big chair…but those memories will always stay with me…and hopefully her as well.

Instead, I enjoy the teen years where she can make her own food and cook dinner for me.

I enjoy going on vacations where she packs her own bags and gets her own bag full of art supplies to go on our next adventure.

Even though it hasn’t happened much this year…we have been able to take her on new adventures. Take the time to teach her to cook. Let her artistic passions grow and thrive.

It’s been amazing to watch our son on his second to last year at a major university and the lessons he’s learned that none of us even saw coming.

If you want to be successful in life and have a happier life…learn that life doesn’t have to look a certain way.

Your not a failure because your kids haven’t gone to Disney. Your not a failure even if they haven’t flown.

I spend so much time worrying about what my kids are missing out on, that I’ve never stopped to think about the amazing things I have been able to take them on.

For the longest time I was upset my kids were so far apart. It bothered me that we weren’t this perfect, evenly spaced family…

Some days it bothers me that my last child doesn’t have siblings around her all the time like her older siblings did. I fear she’s lonely or upset…that I have something to apologize for.

We as parents all give our children unique experiences that are unique to us. My daughter has seen first hand what it takes to own and operate a business. She’s seen what it’s like to volunteer our time in unique ways. She’s had a front row seat to watching her mom make people laugh. She’s had unique experiences that most kids don’t get because of what I’ve exposed her to. She’s been around electric guitars and heard her father play in our church . She’s heard me play piano in church…she’s seen first hand the amazing beauty of gemstones. She’s gone to cities that her siblings never went to at her age. She’s experienced city life at a far younger age than I ever did.

What seemed to not be so long ago was my house was full with two teens and one pre teen and a toddler….and somehow I woke up today and they are all out of the house and I have only one left. I’m not sure how that happened.

Today as I did yoga and my body felt every single pain…I knew I had to fight to be able to do what I want to do. I have more adventures to take my daughter on…I hope to dance at my sons wedding someday. I want to run 5Ks again like I used to. Life isn’t going to slow down to wait for me to get in shape. My kids aren’t going to wait for me to “feel” better to get busy in this life.

I cannot let the weight of a false inferiority rule my life. I cannot let that little spark of self doubt and the lies of comparison make me feel that I have not done what I should have done for my kids. That they missed out because I wasn’t enough.

We all have regrets…but may we instead focus on what we did well…and not what we feel our kids lost…such as a trip to the apple orchard without picking the apples. Not everything has to be picture perfect.

Yesterday I finally decided that I needed to tell my husband I was struggling. As a Christ follower and an independent woman, I found this so difficult to do. I am a woman who was a single Mom, after leaving an abusive relationship (and that doesn’t mean he hit me). To a woman who buried her husband and came back to see a new day. I have been through worse than this…but wow…this is shaking me.

I felt like I was going to die. My chest hurt. My ears were ringing and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I was on fire, then promptly checked my temperature…because you know…Covid 🤦🏼‍♀️

This happened to me twice this week. Small irritations would send me over the edge. I couldn’t concentrate, I was nervous…felt sick to my stomach. I couldn’t even seem to be able to calm myself down. Just writing these words I can feel my chest tighten.

I can write down for you a list of things I should be grateful for. I can write down why this shouldn’t affect me the way it does. I can even tell you that I’m sure people would tell me to pray more, trust more, read my Bible more.

I’m thankful my husband knew me well enough to know that I needed a break. I needed to be away from so many people asking so much of me.

When you own a business and when you do charity work…lots of people have lots of things they ask of you. None of them bad…but I felt like I was on vacation again with all four of my kids and they were all yelling at each other. I could slowly feel myself melting into the ground. Wanting the ground to just suck me in forever.

It’s so hard for me to just sit. Just relax…leave a bed undone. …an email unanswered, a commitment put off…and I have depleted my resources.

I worry constantly for my store and my staff. I worry about other small businesses…I worry about our town. I worry about it all.

I used to be able to overcome this crushing anxiety with clowning…but for now…that can’t even happen..and I’m feeling it.

My husband has asked me to relax, to do things that give me joy…writing is one of those…naps and coffee are another. He has graciously offered to take over my duties at our store tomorrow and I’m grateful…

I pray for all of you feeling like I am right now…upset to see our kids suffer. I’m so sick of giving my daughter bad news that I’m this close to letting her have a kitten for crying out loud. Whatever the kid wants!

I’m hoping that everyone is able to identify what it is they are feeling. It took me a long time to realize what it was. I’m hoping this weekend I can concentrate on other things…see the good that life offers and pray that soon all this anxiety goes away soon.

For those of you asking me to cast my cares on the Lord…I have and will continue to do so…but Covid and all the stresses it has brought with it for small business owners…and parents of college kids…and kids of elderly parents…it’s a lot right now…and what I need is ❤️❤️❤️ not judgement in how I don’t measure up. Please and thank you!

Today was hard….I’ve struggled the last several days with anxiety. I know so many have as well so nothing I am saying is shocking. The thing is. Most of us don’t talk about it.

I don’t want to think about my son sitting in his apartment taking online classes…missing out on things his junior year of college because of this stupid Covid. After this is over I don’t want to hear that word ever again!

I understand the precautions. I’m clear on the risk for young people and I’m aware that to some people, that makes me an “imbecile.” Perhaps it does, but I can honestly tell you that there are many suffering, and a lot of us are dealing with more in mental anguish than Covid itself could ever do to us.

I looked back at old pictures where we would gather in crowds and go out to eat and enjoy the laughter of everyone around us. Now, I’m in fear of what restaurants can possibly survive this? What retail stores will survive? What vacation spots can make it through?

So the anxiety mounted. I see back to school pictures with kids with their masks on…and while I’m thrilled some get to go back to school….I’m so very sad to see us all going through this.

So, yesterday….after we had completed our first day of school!!!

My perfect covid clown costume came!!!

And I will say to remember this….

Just because someone in their social media feed may seem all happy….they are truly struggling…and today my anxiety was suffocating….I came home from my meetings and appointments and lit my candles and decorated for fall and then got busy with work stuff…and my spirits are lifted…but still anxiety is near…

So I am trying to take these moments and concentrate on smaller things…and not looking at the big picture right now….

Don’t give up friends….keep fighting. We will get through this…this will pass!

I look back at pictures of where we have gone and how quickly life has gone by. I remember hearing that from everyone when I was young.

I look at my son who is twenty and in a few short months will be 21…and I think, how is that possible since I’m only 35? However, I’m not…add eleven to that…and that’s me.

Our last child is about to enter middle school and I can tell you her life is different then her siblings. Some food, some bad…but really different.

Her rules are more strict…and then they are not. We have already heard the whining from the older children. She’s a self motivator, she’s the kid that is up for anything we throw at her without the added whining.

She has gone in more camping trips than any of them simply because I didn’t camp. The thought of four children out in the wild gave me anxiety. I also just couldn’t handle the thought of feeding them all and keeping them alive in a wilderness was something I could achieve. Do I feel guilty for that now when I see other parents doing it!? A little..:.a little bit.

So, bear with me as I mourn the fact that from here on out…there are no more kid adventures. Clothing is not picked out by me alone. Personal hygiene is a daily question. Constant monitoring of computers and electronics are a must. Arguing about said hygiene is common….but I lobe watching how talented she is…and all the amazing things that she is becoming.

Here’s to junior high! Wow you came fast!

My son started back at his university this past week. Things did not go smoothly. I would say that that was, of course, not a surprise. In fact, I would say that absolutely NOTHING about 2020 has been smooth. I believe that is one thing our ENTIRE country can agree on.

On a parent page, that is run by my sons university, I posted something that I was sure would be taken down, and when I wrote it…I said that I would understand…but I had to write it. My heart was heavy, and I was overwhelmed with sadness for the students. There is bickering, hatred and of course …Covid. I think after we are through this…we should never be allowed to utter that word again. I asked for prayers for our students and good Health be prayed over our students. Instead of being mocked, the post being taken down…I was brought to tears by the parents who joined with me in prayer over our students. All colors, all nationalities,

All of us, with one goal…for our children and their professors to be safe. For our kids to have some fun and a reasonably normal year.

So many of us sit in isolation, thinking no one thinks like us…that all of us hate one another. That we are all selfish people… but there is good.

Can we all take a moment to say hi to one another…muffled through a mask or not. Can we all decide they when this is over we won’t take a smile for granted ever again? Can we all delight in movie theatres and Broadway plays and of course….glorious vacations?

For now, while life is still slow to resume…just know that many feel the same way you do. We are tired and scared. We long for routine, and things we always took for granted.

Reach across the aisle (but maintain your six feet) and you will find that we are not as divided as many would have us believe.

When I was 29 and very broken…I just wanted someone to love me, and be a father to my then two year old boy. What I got was someone who showed me that I am worthy of love and worth more than what I thought I ever deserved. Life can beat you up…and I was a bit beat up. I needed a tough man, but one that was firm in his love for me.

Lots of people like to say that life will either make you or break you…I like to think it didn’t break me, but made me tougher.

My husband and I will celebrate 17 years together August 23rd. What that means for those who met each other in high school, and those who met each other after having their hearts broken and had to bring kids from other marriages together have a completely different take on getting to this milestone.

We didn’t do everything right….we did a lot of things wrong. First, if your asking advice that’s the first thing I would say. The second thing I would tell you is that divorce is messy, and ugly…and it hurts the people that normally have nothing to do with it. It makes life harder, and it’s not what God intended. That being said, when someone tells you they no longer love you, and they refuse to be faithful to you, there’s not a lot that you can do to save that relationship, no matter how hard you beg. Trust me, I tried.

Finally, here’s what we did right. We made a commitment to one another. We made a choice that each day, whether we felt like it or not, we would make the choice to love each other. Through the battle scars of divorce and death of previous spouses, we have marched on. We have dealt with shared custody, adoption of one child, and having a child together that United them all together.

We made a choice as business partners that we would do what was best for our store and in turn our community, our employees. Finding balance is hard…making time for one another takes constant work.

My husband is honest, and trustworthy. He always has time for our children. He is an amazing jeweler, and gifted musician. Everything he touches turns to perfection.

Last night as we laid under the stars and I look back at all we have been through the last seventeen years. Three houses, two surgeries, one child adoption of my birth son, one birth of our child together. We have sat through high school graduations and so far one college graduation. We have sat through dance recitals and violin recitals. We have sat through plays and orchestra recitals. We have sat through Camp Geiger tapping ceremonies and finally Eagle ceremony! We have traveled to places we never thought we would enjoy and still have great plans for more adventures.

As we looked up at this view…

But with the stars shining through…I was as grateful as I would be had I been laying in a king size bed in the nicest destination I could even imagine….

Girls, does your man … cook for you?

Does he go on adventures that you want to go on?

Does he encourage you to do crazy things most people don’t get?

Does he send you flowers on dates thot are hard for you to get through? Does he support your kids? Does he have time for them?

Is he your number one fan no matter?

I Love him more than I did when I first married him….and it just grows more and more each day.

I am not saying for a moment that there are not hard days…there def is…but the good days far outnumber the bad….

I am very thankful that we get to celebrate 17 years…and I can’t imagine what the next crazy years have in store for us!

I should be packing for a day trip…but I’m sitting here drinking coffee, late afternoon…trying to become motivated.

I want to go on an adventure, which is where this whole weekend trip started.

2020 was supposed to be so many things, for some many people. Which is why…it’s all so disappointing. I was going places, I was checking things off…this was THE year.

Like many of you, I’ve learned that lesson the hard way. I’ve cried about it. I kept thinking we would catch up. I thought perhaps by now it would be a distant memory…but alas…Covid, remains to literally plague us all.

I’ve yelled at China…(I’m sure they heard me). I’ve yelled at people on tv destroying others property. I’ve cried as I’ve given disappointment after disappointment to my children. I’ve cried and been anxious when we were made to shut our business down in the middle of a booming economy. I’ve been called all sorts of names for wanting to work. I’ve been called foolish for thinking kids should go back to school…and I sit down and think…I give up.

I say “Uncle” to it all!!!

We have allowed my daughter to see a few friends and they has kept her sane during this time….I listen to them laugh and chat…and it almost brings me to tears.

I’ve promised myself I would catch up on projects and fitness…and yet, here I am….first day off in a long time…and I’m….soooo…..tired.

I’ve unfollowed all the people on Facebook, I’ve turned off all the news channels. I barely know what the weather is gonna be like much less what’s going on in the world. I feel like I’m moving under this heavy fog…and the only thing keeping me going….is well…right now? Chocolate….chocolate and coffee.

I miss people….yet people irritate me. I can’t go grocery shopping anymore without screaming inside my head anymore. I wear a mask, carry hand sanitizer. I have my debit card in front pocket so I don’t have to get my wallet out…and there’s all those stupid arrows! I give up on the arrows….I’m breaking the rules. Thankfully Sams got rid of them…because this girl was like…nah….I’m gonna rip these puppies up right now!

I go from crying at every commercial, to wanting to say bad words and drink lots of alcoholic beverages. Even though the people that know me know I can hardly handle half of a Seagrams wine cooler and that’s the gospel truth.

I bawl at church when we sing because I miss people so much. I bawl when everyone leaves and then laugh when we get outside and I see everyone throw off their masks like all we as women have done since we had to wear bras. We rip them off as soon as we get home with the same explanation of satisfaction to be “free”. I giggle to myself EVERY time.

I’m sick of the mask debate…tired of the political debate. Sick of watching the hatred of others as they destroy people’s property. I hate watching the divide become larger and larger. I’m tired of people bashing each other in vaccinations and bashing people sending their kids back to school…and I just want to get off this planet…but I’m stuck here.

I feel guilty for complaining when things are not as bad as we perceive them to be…and they could be so much worse and they are not.

I miss doing outreach, and making people smile…but when people ask me to do something for outreach, I have to think about it? Seriously? Why?

How do you Covid right now? Are you eating your feelings like me? Are you trying to do yoga but failing everyday because you ….just…don’t…want to?

Are you trying to push it all down by going on adventures when you can? But missing all the traveling you used to take for granted…and now realize how important it was!

Girls, I’m going kayaking….I’ve never been….and now I’m going camping again, because this girl figured out what that horrible sound in the woods is (stupid owl, I’m coming for ya!) and I’m NOT afraid anymore.

I’ve been through worse…and I came out swinging…..

But first….a little nap….don’t want to overdo it😬😬😬😬

My son is back at college…he’s finally back with his friends and he’s happy. He’s wearing his mask, because they don’t want school to shut back down again.

I feel that right now everyone is holding their breath…kind of like they did when they allowed small businesses to open back up.

Many think that we will go back for two weeks and all the elementary schools will shut back down….and then all the colleges will go back to online until next semester….and that’s possible…but worrying about it won’t change a thing.

Many think going back to school is killing our children…many are scared and worried…and the schools have a really hard job of trying to figure out what is the best thing.

I have a child that is homeschooled , but she will go to her music teacher, go on field trips and go to some classes with her homeschool group. I also have one in college…and no, I’m not aware of homeschool college.

This past weekend I clowned at an event for our store…because we felt that people needed to smile and laugh…and I think people needed it….but it was the absolute hardest time I’ve ever had clowning….

I could not interact with the kids…I had to keep my distance. I wore a mask, and I just felt so very unable to communicate verbally or with my expressions. I never realized how much we use our lips and our expressions to communicate. How much we read lips to understand what people are saying. I felt so very useless…and that I did a poor job as a clown.

But I was dealing with an impossible situation…as many of us are…we are dealing with an impossible situation.

The truth is that our children aren’t safe. They aren’t safe when they are at school, when they are at home…when they are anywhere. Tragedy can happen no matter how much we try to protect them.

I am not here to judge anyone on sending your kid, or not sending your kid. I think there are amazing arguments on both sides.

I’m not a doctor, so I will not debate all of the data and what will happen…I will say in the course of this pandemic over the last six months we have had ….

I would say that those are some pretty good odds ….and I pray that they remain that way as the kids head back to school.

When my kids learned to drive….I would lay awake until they got home. When I would hear a siren, I would call my son. I made him text me when he got to work or school. I became obsessed with his safety. I was terrified that he would die. I was convinced that I would lose him how I lost his biological father, in a car accident. I became overwhelmed with anxiety…to the point I was almost sick until he would text me. That was NOT living.

We cannot become so overwhelmed with fear that we quit living. We cannot fear the unknown. We cannot live in our houses for a year…we have to at some point, start living again.

I’m not saying, take a cruise, or lick all the door handles when you go to the store. I’m saying be cautious…but live. In the living, laugh…and in the laughing…begin to love life again. There’s more life to live…go live it!