The Reluctant Red Nose

Well, there is a word that I never thought I would say…after almost 30 years for both my husband and I we decided to go camping to celebrate our 16 years of married bliss…and it was..well, it was like our marriage…a little rocky at first…but then we managed to have a tremendous time.

We decided we should go on a weeknight before everyone came down for the holiday. When I made the reservation the weather looked to be spectacular! When we arrived and checked in, even the camp hostess said the weather looked to be fabulous!

So we set up our tent, which wasn’t too horrible…but it was so humid…our directions were even wet.

We had a horrible time starting a fire (I say we, I mean…my husband). The humidity was ridiculous and it been raining horribly….then the wind picked up…and the temps dropped and it felt glorious.

I pre-made all our meals and had everything pretty organized. I did forgot a spatulas, but had a wooden spoon so we survived. My biggest problem was bringing too much.

We did purchase a camp stove…since the last time we used one was before we were married and we are pretty sure we had one…but three moves and three kids ago…it was just easier to purchase a new one. I also purchased a tablecloth, and a battery powered fan and charger…other than that…we had everything.

That night… it rained and rained…and was lightening and thundering…and it was a sleepless night to say the least….plus we discovered the four person tent was really made for two small adults…not my husband who is six foot three.🤦🏼‍♀️

Despite our sleepless night…the next day we awoke to strangely dried off campground…my husband made coffee with the french press (thank you Jesus) and we went hiking.

The bathrooms

were very clean and had toilet paper

And we spent the day reading and napping

We wanted to stay for one more night…but it was Labor Day weekend and our lovely nap was interrupted by music being played very loud (thankfully not country)….and we were completely surrounded….

In two more weeks we hope to go again…take our 12 year old with us… and come armed with a much bigger tent and a softer air mattress.

Our daughter will inherit our previous tent.

All in all…pretty good time…..we can’t wait to go again….rain rain stay away!

I haven’t been on here in such a very long time…I felt my posts were depressing…and even though I have been dealing with some tough things…after awhile, it gets difficult to read.

August started off with a bang….dropped my son off for his sophomore year…and bawled like a baby on my way home, after my daughter fell asleep. I was grateful for sunglasses. He was gone all summer…and home for two days which literally was spent at the doctors and the chiropractor and getting his car in shape…but we got him moved in…and he even let me have my pictures. We as Moms….need our pictures.

We have had a very busy time at our store…just finished up an insane but good promotion that ended quite well. I went on Live tv in clown…two things I said I would never ever do.

Then we had some fun with our customers and were able to have some fun with our community….

Then we celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary by working 🤡😬

And now….this weekend, we are doing something I never thought I would ever ever do….we are actually going camping.

We are leaving a day early ahead of the weather…which is why I can’t sleep…because I’m worried we will forget something…could this be a disaster??? Oh absolutely!!! However, the great thing about being an adult…is that if it’s a disaster…we can get in our car and drive home 😬😬.

I wanted to do this with just my husband and I before we take our daughter. She has begged for years to go tent camping…and frankly, I haven’t wanted to or felt the need…after the age of 45…I have this super weird desire…for simple…for less stuff…for more adventures…to explore parts of the country that I haven’t…to go hiking more…to just experience a bit of nature.

We enjoyed Colorado so much the times we hiked and stayed in the cabin…but I always felt we were cheating….hiking all day…dishwasher and stove and movies all night. It was wonderful, don’t get me wrong…but the older I get…the busier I am…the more quiet I need when we actually decide to get away. We still haven’t taken a single summer trip..and I have absolutely no idea where the summer has gone….but here we are.

The month of September we are taking half of it off….before we start our new adventures for our business in October.

For homeschooling, I have simplified our calendar…..and somehow…it still fills up.

We all try so hard now to keep our lives quiet…to reflect…to listen…

I need to sit by a stream…and take a hike. I need to sit by a campfire…watch the sun come up while I drink coffee. I need to spend a day with my headbands and not a shower…just my hiking poles…and the beautiful sound of quiet.

Ten years ago…I would have laughed at all of that…I wanted nothing to do with hiking…give me a beach and room service and nothing but laying around…but I think having babies exhausted me…and now that my little humans can take care of themselves for the most part…this Mamma needs to refuel her soul…her mind.

My parents are aging…I have a college son…I have a pre teen…I have a business…I am married…I have a mission in my community to help people smile by clowning and that can keep me very busy…in October alone…I have six engagements. I homeschool my child…and plan events for my store and employees…my life is full….and when life is full….it’s important to fuel ourselves and take care of ourselves…I will let you know how our adventure goes, what we eat, how we deal with the rain 😬☹️ and how we feel about camping after this…I am not looking forward to the whole outside toilets…but I figure I can make it for two nights surely 😜🤪.

Wish me luck!

Summer is that crazy time where life moves at warp speed…and we just are all around busy. I’m sweating…I stay indoors…and I dream of fall.

When my babies were little…we lived in the pool it seems…but now…we are busy with activities…and lazy summer days are all gone.

I made a promise to myself to slow down this fall…to make life go as slow as I could make it go…but this summer…I made a promise to myself that whatever doors open for clowning…I will do it if at all possible .

I personally thought that when I said that that the doors would just stay as they are…but that hasn’t been the case…and I feel blessed…

I hope that if there’s something that God has placed on your heart to do…that the doors fly wide open for you as well. They won’t always fly open….sometimes for me…they are bolted shut…but sometimes…the floodgates are thrown wide….and that’s what I’m experiencing now.

I would ask that you would pray or think good thoughts if you do that…and ask that I will be able to do what He asks of me…that I will be able to make people smile and spread some cheer….I would certainly appreciate it.

Many people think when you homeschool your children…that they are automatically weird. Now, my kids may be weird….but it’s not because they are homeschooled…it’s because their mother is weird….and I’ve got no problem whatsoever admitting that!🙋🏼‍♀️🙋🏼‍♀️

However (in case any of you reading this haven’t met me) my kids aren’t really weird…my son is 19, and besides his habits of a messy room and car…he is in fact…somewhat normal…and my daughter…well she’s 12….I haven’t met a normal one yet.

Another misconception…is that we all sit home and drool over ourselves all day…and that misconception is what brings me to my blog post…this very day.

After I’m done calculating hours each year (it’s a MO thing) I always look back in the year to see what I can change…to make life better…and this year…I…was….dead….tired…like ridiculous…and my daughter….was begging to stay home more….something had to change…..and I’m not completely sure…but 99.9 percent sure there’s some big changes happening for us this first semester.

Last year, we belonged to two co-ops. I taught three classes, clowned at two retirement homes and another place as well each month, and of course I helped run a business (doing all the social media) scheduling of employees, decorating, and I also decided to take some classes (you know to keep life interesting) homeschooled my daughter, and sent a son off to college. I also, have aging parents, who one had a stroke (they thought) and the other we spent a lot of time at the neurologist. Writing all that makes me tired…doesn’t make me feel important or anything positive..:it sounds like a train wreck….

This summer, we have done swim team, we have done horse lessons, had friends over, and will go to art camp and church camp…and I personally think that is plenty. I’ve started back into yoga…keep trying to find time to run again…and am trying to finish my last gem class.

Today, I did something I’ve been trying to take care of all summer…and it’s almost the middle of July..::

We started back to art journaling…and my soul instantly found peace.

Why do I feel it so necessary to fill my day with impossible lists and tasks…that I drown out any joy? Why is it so important to constantly move and check lists…and never sit and listen to silence?

I’ve been purging my home more and more…spending less and less…and trying to fill that free time…with quiet conversation. Petting the dog, fitness for me. Drinking more water…planning meals, developing my hobbies more. Finding more time to explore our curriculum more…going on more field trips. We never go on any at all because we have filled our days with co-op and Enrichment classes (all good things) but my soul needs quiet right now.

As homeschoolers we have so many activities, and the need and the pull to go from one thing to the other is great….but I promised myself….that this semester….we are going to spend more time outside, go on some field trips, some activities…and try my hardest to slow down.

Every 4th of July, (like every good American mother)…I went to Old Navy to get all four of our kids matching shirts. They complained about it endlessly…rolled their eyes…but still…they endured😬.

Tomorrow, for the first time ever…I don’t have my son here with his Dad…getting excited about blowing things up☹️. They would go every year to the firework stand and buy some things…not anything near what some people spend…but still…we usually enjoyed a little celebration.

This year…we are to old for the growing worms, the snaps on the ground, and possibly the smoke bombs. There might be a lantern, possibly some day parachutes…but the baby in the diaper eating watermelon are gone. The days of sticky fingers after s’mores are gone. The crying of fireworks, the trash in piles everywhere the next morning…it’s all gone…and I’m a little sad.

No huge pool floaters…no stand together for a big picture…no fighting…just one kid to watch in the pool, one child to do fireworks with…and one child to entertain…

We have a daughter in Ireland, a son in Alabama, another one here in town but busy…and then we have our 12 year old.

I don’t say this to make you feel sorry for me . I’m really fine…with less work and less whine…but I did want to say…that if your a momma of littles.

Be in the picture…play in the pool…eat a s’mores with them, and dance with the sparklers. Kiss their cheeks until you can’t kiss them anymore…record their sweet voices, and don’t worry about the mess…

Live your life one beautiful moment at a time. It will never be perfect…it will never be the way you had imagined…but work with what ya got!!!

So many of us struggle with this….I know that I personally have been just going through life…enduring one trial at a time…coasting through the joys…waiting for the next trial.

Trials are always going to come, and they can come in waves…or huge crashes that knock you over. They can be personal, physical, financial, work related, family, you name it.

I have become tired of living in a manner that is unhealthy….withdrawing further and further into myself because I’m so afraid of being hurt…in that withdrawal…I was finding myself more and more closed off…so much so…I could hardly breathe anymore.

Life is not meant to be lived alone….and there will always be cruddy stuff that happens…some of it debilitating….and I have been knocked over once or twice in my own life…I find when I’m walking through the toughest thing…I rely on Him for absolutely everything….when life is good….I withdraw …..I don’t want to go places, see people…or anything….I just want to be in my small little world.

In times of great trial…I have learned to listen to Him intently (I should be doing that anyway…but I feel like I’ve got life in control, and I don’t need Him) but when there is nothing else I can do…no way I can fix something…without His hand….I’ve learned to listen more…and His voice has been so clear.

For this next year He has asked me to be intentional in my giving. It’s easier to just throw money at different causes or charities (and don’t get me wrong…they all NEED money) but I have felt a tug…to go and do things that I’d rather not do. I feel that’s where He has me at right now…to be completely obedient. I’ve reached out to several groups….and so far He wants me to be busy😬.

This year…its servant hood…and so far…I’m really tired…but really happy 😬🤡❤️😘

I remember in college, how old that sounded…I mean, it was like soooo old.

I know that had I known what life would bring me…I probably would have run far away.

I look back at my life then as a college student…not sure what I wanted…completely in love with a man who I thought would be the answer to all my dreams…but he wasn’t…and I learned a lot from that…that relationship brought me a beautiful baby boy…

Who just completed his first year of college, himself.

It taught me how to grow up…and learn what true love really is….

It taught me that having a man that loves you and wants the best for you, is all you need. To have both of you wanting the best for each other…not selfishly making the other person work for you.

At 46, I have been married twice, buried a husband, raised a son, help raise two stepdaughters, and have been blessed with my own daughter and help my husband grow our business and accomplish a few things on the side…

Clowning has allowed me to cross paths with so many people…and I’m so grateful for it all.

The kids that I have taught, the people that I have met…I can’t imagine a moment without it.

I doubt that the last day I draw breath on this earth, that the earth will stop spinning…or that really to many people will be impacted…but I do know that a few will be…I hope so.

I hope to be just halfway done…and there are a lot of things left that I want to do…but I’m very blessed. This world and people get me down…

But I have so much to be thankful for!

There are days where this life will beat you up. Where people will speak evil of you…there will be days and days of no praise…and sometimes…your good will be evil spoken of.

There will be days when people will pass by you and steal your ideas as their own…they will forget all the kind things you did for them. They will tell others lies…but look for the ones that no one sees…the forgotten, the lonely…turn off the microphones and the cameras…put the phone down..:be vulnerable…be real…put yourself out there…and try again.

I will never be rich (don’t think I want to be) I will never be popular, or claimed as gorgeous…but can I please…be called kind…can I please be called trustworthy, honest…can I be called a keeper of secrets…can I be counted on, known to be on time. Will I ever be known as positive, funny, and welcoming? I will never be known as highly intelligent…but can I please be a good teacher, a helper to those who need me…can I be a person who can sit with the broken??? Can I speak wisdom in silence by actions…can I just listen and be still…can I have more time…more time to learn the ukele so I can go to nursing homes and cancer units. Can I have more time to read all the books I’m trying to read…can I have more time with my children…can I sit with my parents longer? Can I laugh more? Can I tell more jokes? Can I kiss my daughters forehead more before she goes to sleep each night? Can I rewind the clock to tuck my son into bed and read him The Giant Caterpillar just one more time…and listen to his little voice tel me he loves me. Can I watch my husband’s eyes light up when he hears the beat of our unborn daughter’s heartbeat when we found out we were having a girl? Can I rewind to the time he saw me coming down the aisle in my wedding dress?

Because it the end…it’s the memories, the people, the impact, the way you made people feel when you were around that matters. Do people groan or smile when they see you coming?

My story isn’t over….May the remaining chapters be as rich as the beginning.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

I am grateful to be a mother, and grateful to still have my mother on the planet to share this day with.

My list of blessings Is very long…my list of hangups is even longer.

Today, I was sad/annoyed that the university my son attends had such a ridiculous long Christmas Break, that they still have a week left of finals before they will even be home. Just so you know, I’m not one of those mother’s who has a cow if she doesn’t see her son every month…I am not. On purpose, we waited to see him u til Thanksgiving, because we wanted him to adjust. He came home for the longest Christmas Break ever…went back to college in the middle of January…and I didn’t see him again, until I went down there in April…so…I’m not a needy parent…but Mother’s Day…well…it stunk.

I also did the examining pitfall of Instagram and Facebook…with everyone and their perfect squares…and their perfect amount of kids…evenly spaced…which I couldn’t even do that right. My kids are seven years apart…and in between them is enough sadness and tears and heartache for a very long book…but in the end…it’s what it is…and there is nothing perfect about it.

I grew up with a large group of friends…I would say easily there was 7-10 of us (maybe more). I always took it for granted…until I moved almost two hours away. After I moved two hours away, I was insanely busy with now being a business owner, and a mother to one and a stepmother to two.::and a husband that also needed my attention. My husband and I like to call our first year of marriage the “hell year” because it absolutely was every bit of hell. We were so naive merging a home renovation and merging three kids together…it makes my head hurt looking back…so I wasn’t concerned with not having friends.

By the time that I was finally getting life together…I realized that I had lost touch with my high school buddies and college buddies…and even though we have started back to small connections, it’s not like what it used to be. I’m still hoping for a reunion again soon.

I have found that we as women…are frankly…horrible to each other. I have personally left my own experiences out there for people to learn or take my advice…or whatever they feel like doing…and I’ve been told I was wrong..not informed…should have paid more attention. I’ve bent over backwards for employees…to see it blow up in my face. Dedicate my life to being an example to those women much younger than me…and my good was evil spoken of.

So what do we do? Do we stay away from all women (it’s not to hard) and live a life of seclusion? Have “surface” friendships??? I would say…that’s what many of us have done…and I’m not judging…I’m right there with ya.

I go to church, smile at people…say a few peoples names…simg praise and worship…listen to the sermon…leave…and I’ve done exactly that for three years…and frankly, I don’t ever see that changing. I go to our homeschool groups…chat with a few ladies…then if it’s an event that I have to stay at…I’m either teaching…or sitting in my car working…I’m not really “socializing” I’m not sure if this makes me a very bad person….or if I’m in some “survival” mode.

If the last year has proven anything to me…it’s that people do not change, no matter what they say.

We as women…love to tear down…spread lies…and make sure that we always come out on top. We can’t just leave things alone…if someone is prettier, more successful…we smile to their face…and write hateful things or say hateful things behind their backs. We encourage no one. We cover each other.::try and have carbon copies of houses of each other…and when someone has more followers or likes or whatever…we we think up whatever we can…just to see them fail.

I never see it more obvious than Mother’s Day. Many of us have pictures like this….

I remember it…my kids had to look perfect, have color coordinating outfits…and I was a barrel of fun until we got the perfect shot…after 40…I just really didn’t care anymore.

Why do we as mothers measure our success with our kids success? My children will do what they are going to do…no matter how amazing of a parent I was.

When my son was a toddler, we had containers with pictures of our toys…he would pick them all up every day perfectly. He loved to put his clothes in his dresser, he loves bath time…he hugged and kissed me always…and was the perfect Napper.

Three weeks ago, he showed me his dorm room(he knew I was coming) and as he showed it to me…he replied “it’s not THAT bad” I kid you not…a small animal would have been lost forever in it…the only comfort I got, was the young man he shared his room with, was just as messy…

Does this mean I’m a failure as a parent? No, it means my son decided to be less organized and neat than I made him be while he lived here…and that’s ok (until he comes home 😬😜) I can sit here and brag about all our kids…and I can also sit here and tell you all our mistakes…I can tel you different things worked for different kids…and we made mistakes with all four.

Raising humans is the hardest job on the planet…suffering alone with trying to figure out if we did it right…is even harder. I know many feel this way…but we all seem to still let the “mean girls” win…

We need to stand up and fight for each other..:encourage one another…admit when we feel like we are sinking into a pit of despair.

I actually admitted that three weeks ago…and I had people who I never thought would step up…pull me up out of a very dark place…this world is hard and mean…and nothing is as hurtful as when good people who do good things…get trampled…when we realize that no matter how hard we try…we will never fit in…when we are made fun of for being different, being successful…or just trying our best.

So…my tribe will never be 7 or 10 girls anymore…rooting me forward…my tribe is still there…but in smaller numbers. I also never know who it’s going to be…I don’t have a “go to” group….I wish I did, but I don’t…I just keep praying…that when the dark clouds roll in…God will urge those that know me..:to come and help pull me out of the depths…and I pray that when the Holy Sprit nudges me…that I will listen…because we are all on the same team…and most of us…just want to make it to the finish line…with a lot less loss of blood, and a lot less tears…I’m rooting for ya…whose with me?!

I’ve been reading the book “Girl, Wash Your face.” By Rachel Hollis. If you haven’t read it, I would highly recommend (after your done reading my blog post) that you would go out and read it…if your cheap like me…you can even find it at your local library.

I have found that when I go through great trials…God normally send me little signs that He’s with me…because even though I KNOW He is…He gets that I don’t always FEEL that way.

The book. Turns out was a godsend. I had ordered it in January …but the wait list was long…since I haven’t been able to get my hands on it until now….but it was perfect timing!

If you’ve ever been a person that decided to start devoting your time and energy to others…and given secretly and sacrifically…and just had all that thrown back in your face…you understand the week that I have had.

Oh my lists of complaints and hurts can be told to you for several hours…but honestly…no one wants to hear that.

There are ugly parts of my story…that I wish were not a part of my life. But there’s a reason I get “single moms” and women who have been cheated on. I hate what pornography does to a family…because I’ve had a front row seat to it. I have sat in the car at the cemetery, and watched my son ask the heavens why He took his Daddy…I’ve also sat in the car while he screamed…and now…he speaks quietly at his dads graveside.

I’ve been accused of more things that are untrue than true…even after I paid off bills I didn’t have to…and paid off a headstone that I should not have had the burden of.

I’ve had women who cheated with my husband laugh at me and tell me they knew why he left me….and I can’t even tell you how long it took me to get back up again after that…but you know what?

Every single nasty thing that has been said to me, or about me…I’ve never been alone. I’ve never been the only woman who has gone through that…I’ve never been the only single mom raising a baby, and I’ve most certainly never been the only one that can’t claim a million mistakes that she’s made.

I will tell you that I know lots of women who stay down…they don’t rise back up. They raise children who believe they are owed something from this world…and they are angry about it.

I canNOT change what has been done to me in the past…in the present…or in the future. I can count my blessings…and I can keep trudging forward…giving back to those I’m told to give to.

Two weeks ago…I was done…but God placed “encouragers” in my life…I received phone calls, texts, flowers, and a great deal of TLC from my husband….because life is hard and sometimes unbearable…but we are not made to go at it alone….even though it feels so much safer.

I don’t want to come out of hiding…but I know I’m not made to stay in the “dark place” that I have been in.

There is a lot of living to do….and this week as I drove through town so utterly heartbroken…and mad at the world…I literally had to start making a mental list of the good things, and I was in such a deep dark place they were like things I could see…sun shining, flowers blooming, that house has a pink door, the lady at Starbucks smiled at me, that person driving let someone in….I’m not kidding…this has been my exercises for the last few days….nothing else would register in my brain.

What would this world be like…if we looked at others the way others have looked at me this week….as a 911 event.

Smile at the cashier…put your phone down…say thank you to the person waiting on you. Pick up the trash, help out at a charity…do it…because.

There are so many people like me….but Unlike me they may not have “encouragers” you May be it….so go do it…be it…we all need it!

The other day, we had a big promotion at our store. I wanted to get kids excited about gems…and my husband had wanted a way to give them away to kids…with Easter coming, I thought that would be a GRAND idea (and it was).

We had a large crowd, gave out donuts shaped like carrots…and I was dressed as the Easter Bunny (not my fav gig if I’m being honest) and persuaded another employee to be my sidekick carrot. The day was glorious, busy, and fun…and for the most part…the children enjoyed it (there are always those that scream ☹️)

I was perfectly fine, until a little boy who was 18 months old came in. He was dressed like I had dressed my son back then…built like him when he was that age…and I just sort of lost it…right there in that bunny suit. No way to wipe my tears…just had to deal with it.

So many people grieve when their kids leave home for the first time, when they start college….then there are the rest of us….who are happy to see them go…because, let’s face it…raising a senior boy is the hardest job in the world…so not kidding!

My first tears came when he no longer was interested in Star Wars, and put away his figures…and his Playmobile. When he started growing taller than me….when I realized he was stronger than me.

When I had to send him out in the cold snow to shovel with his dad…when he had to learn to mow and I had to let him. When his voice changed and there was a man walking all over the house. When he was to big to carry to bed…when he no longer wanted to go dig for worms and ride his scooter….when he went to Boy Scout camp year after year and had to learn to deal with the extremes of weather.

I didn’t cry this past Saturday because my son wasn’t coming home for Easter….I cried because the little boy who held my hand and said “I love you Mommy.” is gone. I cried because he won’t ever sit on my lap again, or let me read bedtime stories, while I stroke his hair and kiss the top of his head…instead right now, we are still in the stage of…learning to grow up…learning what his parents “owe” him…and what he needs to do himself.

Now, there are other women in his life that he listens to…and other advice he seeks. My advice is now…not important…..and ready to do without. He calls me when his finger is bleeding…when he’s sick…and calls his Dad for the good stuff…for advice…and I’m just the “food maker”.

Will it always be this way? Nope! It will not be….maturity is coming….and lots of life’s lessons that I can’t protect him from.

I can’t open his bedroom door, and see him sleeping and breathe a sigh of relief because he’s safely tucked in bed….instead, I have to hope and pray…that some of what I taught him, he remembers….and that he will someday realize…that this Mom wasn’t always perfect….but she loved her boy…more than he will ever know.