The Reluctant Red Nose

I was listening to a podcast the other day…the lady on there was in shock she was turning fifty this year. I kind of giggled at her, until I realized that I was going to be….45….how…..in…..the world did that happen?

To make this even better..I would like you to imagine (like me) that you are the youngest, the baby of the family if you will…so I also…get to hear “I can’t believe my baby is 45! This means I’m ancient!” Or my four sisters telling me that I can’t possibly be that old…like I made it up or something? Or forgot how to count!! Yes!!! I really am that ancient…the rest of you are about to die!!! No, I don’t really say that of course 😬.

I guess the hardest part about my age is where I thought I would be. In my heart I feel young…but there are days…that even when I HEAR a baby cry…I just want to sit down and take a nap.

I’m in better shape than my 30s (considering I had a baby then doesn’t really set the bar high) I thought I would be thinner (with all my dove chocolates I can’t imagine why that isn’t a reality). I thought I would be taller…seriously…I appear to be shrinking. I thought there would be less neck wrinkles (I thought that was in your 60s). I definitely see the importance of an amazing hairstylist….and one that isn’t afraid to tell you your eyebrows need “serious help” this week.

I thought there would be more sitting….and more travel….but I’m happy to say that there seems to be more and more.

I also thought there would be less plants…in a year…I’ve accumulated more than 10…I’m not sure what that says…but I kept saying “I’m turning into my mother.” Over and over again.

I didn’t think that I would have this much coffee….I now understand all those cups my Dad would have every day…makes perfect sense now. Also…after raising three teens…I understand the smoking…I haven’t done that yet…but alcohol…might be a safer bet.

I definitely thought there would be less hamsters and guinea pigs…the dog isn’t surprising but the piggies for sure are.

I didn’t think I would be Calling my children to look at sunsets and deer running across our lawn.::so glad that she’s not at the age where she says “mmhmm” and then runs away.

I also thought I would be more of a serious shopper. Now I’ve become a pick up groceries, pick up Target, Amazon warrior and drive thru Starbucks kind of girl. The once social butterfly…has become a hermit…who secretly can’t wait to put on flannel pants and drink some coffee. I thought that when I traveled I would want to go into all the shops…but no….restaurants are my thing…and when is dessert, is my song! Who even am I?

I’ve reached the age where I no longer care what you think of me…and yes young man, on your trip back from Tucson to KC in February…I will ask you where your pants are because that’s what your mother would have asked you…so where are they and they better be in your bag!!!! (I really did do that…but it was five degrees and he was wearing shorts and he was like 20…and I knew his Mom would want me to!) what if our plane broke down? What then!

I definitely thought there would be no clowning….because….why….why is there so much clowning…but you don’t get to pick what your chosen to do…that’s just what happens!

I’ve been married twice….mother twice…a stepmother twice…and all the other experiences of life…once….we are all given a time.::and however long or short or ancient it is…live your best life.

Eat the chocolates, go visit the places, drink the coffee, show your kids the world, be kind to everyone…even the meanies….and above all else…tell the truth…don’t spread lies…and be the one that everyone says “I never heard them speak an ill word about anyone!” Wouldn’t that be amazing!

After the age of 12, I really thought that these days were behind me.  I find however, that they seem to be just a way of life…never ending….never trusting….and social media just makes us even nastier.

I was 12…and I was kicked out of the popular table at school….I can’t really remember why…probably I was obnoxious (which I’m sure there was some truth to that). I really wasn’t traumatized by it….and I’m still acquainted with all of those involved, because lets be honest….when we are 12….ALL of us are obnoxious.  Nevertheless, I do recall this…and  remember it to be quite embarrassing….and I do remember crying about it..(for just a little bit though).

I went to a private school, that was above all rules that you can even being to imagine….I laugh at my kids that think they have it so hard…they have NOOOOO idea of a ridiculous dress code or rules….until they realize that pretty much I wasn’t able to do anything that they do on a daily basis…no movies, no dancing, no knees showing, no music with a drum, or an electric guitar.  Rock music was of the devil and shoulders and knees were the fire that led us there….and movies….automatic dismissal if you ever got caught going to one.  So, clearly, not fitting in at this school, wasn’t the end of the world…since clearly….it was like a foreign country every day…and fitting in was something I didn’t ever want to do.

The fun didn’t end at just the private school….I was also forced to attend a private university….which actually….was very good for me.  It was far away from home…and the administration at this university didn’t hate me.  It really was a good experience for me…but certainly….not something that I want for either of my children.  The rules have relaxed much more now….but a little to late for me personally.

To say I have scars, would probably be an understatement.

I will say this to you reading this….my childhood was brought up in extreme…I say again….EXTREME legalism and fundamentalism.  I learned as a young adult…that this does NOT please God.  God is loving, full of grace and truth.  He is not interested in how long your skirts are, and if there is a electric guitar being played in your church.  He’s only interested in your heart…and how you feel about Him. He is the only reason that I have NOT lost my mind.

I can recall the many many times I was called to the principals office.  Called in because I was causing a disturbance during multiple classes (I talked a lot, had a great sense of humor that I lacked the discipline of being able to understand when is the time to keep it to myself.) My friends around me that were laughing, sometimes got into trouble….sometimes not.

Normally, I sat and talked with the principals wife…she would give me a stern talking to…and then back to class I went.  Other times, I would be called in, because they wanted to know whose “Sassy” magazine this was….I wasn’t allowed to have those magazines…and even though I knew that it was my best friends….I had no intention of telling on her. Later I found out, that I was given “fake friends” friends that I thought really cared about me….but later was told to me (by one of the fake friends) that they were “assigned” to me….to keep watch over me.  When they realized there wasn’t anything to report…and I was actually a good clean kid…that they actually liked…they decided to stay and be my friend.(wasn’t that nice of them). 🙂

I was given demerits for talking, chewing gum, being a distraction, disrespectful (I rolled my eyes). Asked them questions….ya know….horribly disappointing.  I didn’t have any boyfriends really (a few short disasters) but they still thought I was kissing every boy in sight…because I didn’t fit into their perfect mold.  I asked questions, (which meant bad attitude in their book). Even though I lived in a bigger house than most, I still wasn’t accepted, wasn’t good enough….ever.

I wish I could go back to the 12 year old girl….and tell her that she mattered.  I wish I could go back to her and tell her of her great qualities…and how that it didn’t matter what some of these people said.  I wish I could go back and encourage her to grab on to those teachers that saw her worth and hold on with all that she could.  Hold on to that teacher who gave you your love of writing.  Hold on to the teacher that encouraged you to sing.  Cling to the teacher that knew you were a talented piano player, and had a great voice for choir.  Hold on to the teacher that encouraged you in journalism and yearbook…and cheerleading….hold on with everything that you have.

I held on (not because of them…but because God had a perfect plan for me.) I knew many and know many..that couldn’t handle it…and have had great difficulty getting “over it” which is what so many have told us to do.  Just GET OVER IT! Well, lots of therapy….and I’m not OVER it…but I am past it…lets just say that.

Then, at my perfect college, where dreams float on roses…I met the love of my life.  He was a seminary student.  He wanted to be a youth pastor…and we fell MADLY in love.  I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to have him in my life.  We could talk for hours…he was my ROCK! Then, after I gave birth to our perfect son two years after we were married….my husband left me…high and dry….and I learned about mean girls once again.  Mean girls that saw my husband as a great opportunity….and did whatever they could to make me look bad…to paint me in the worst light…my highest crime being….I gave birth…and then went to work to support us.  I learned about mean girls at church….they would cling to their husbands (because since I couldn’t keep mine, I was surely coming for theirs).  I learned about mean girls at my husbands funeral (the girls that had caused our breakup of a marriage came to the funeral acting as if I was the one that shouldn’t be there) I learned about mean girls as they stood up at his memorial service declaring their love for him. I watched the pastors as they let them speak….and kept an eye on me (like I was going to get all “gangsta” up in here..(I don’t even know what that means)). I learned about mean girls who left red roses on his graveside….

I learned more about mean girls when I got remarried…and I just didn’t measure up. More so, when I had a successful business, a husband that loved me, and children that I adored. I learned about mean girls when I became heavily involved in church groups and bible studies….and learned quickly…that things don’t have to be true for people to believe it…it only matters the importance of the person telling the tale.

I have learned that the church is the scariest place for me….its where the mean girls live. Its where they like to smile at you….and sing on the stage….but they like to stab you in the back….tell whatever stories that they can…and everyone listens….because…of who they are.

Our churches are breaking down and being destroyed by women who are mean….who read the Bible and speak the words…but in their hearts they only desire to destroy….destroy anyone that seems to be more successful or more likable than them…it knows no bounds….it knows no denominations…it knows no end.

I attend a beautiful church, with a wonderful music program…and my daughter enjoys the childrens program….and that’s…..thats where I get off….I’m done riding the ride of “I will be your friend, and you can share your burdens…” because I know how that ride ends….it ends with me…being in pain..and people thinking things that are untrue about me….and frankly….I’m over it. Please know this…NO ONE in the new church that I belong to has ever hurt me….and I promise you….they never will….because the LAST place on the planet you will EVER find me…is a Ladies Bible Study, or Prayer group….or ministry of some sort.  Its not that they deserve this attitude….its that I refuse to do this again….its been forty four years….and I want to spend the next forty or fifty years…with absolutely NO MORE stabbing in the back. I’m completely done. Completely….done.

If you enjoy spreading gossip about people….can I just ask you why? Why does it bring you pleasure to cause others such great pain? Why do you find it so important to make yourself look so good that your only happy if your stomping on someone else? Why is it so important for you to be the one and only? Does the lying ever bother you? What’s it like to kill someones reputation that they have worked hard to obtain…just so you can feel better about yourself?

I am a clown….I enjoy it…it keeps me sane…and I like to go and visit the unfortunate and the lonely.  I am a business owner, and I have employees I care about.  I care about my customers…and I care about my community….and try to find as many ways as possible to make my community know how much I care about them.

I would love to be able to belong to a big group…where I felt safe to share my prayer requests, my hopes, my annoyances, my joys, my sorrows, my fears…but in my circle…that doesn’t exist…or perhaps it does, but I have just given up on trying to find those that do.

I write this, not in hopes of people saying to me…come join our tribe (because frankly, unless I’ve grown up with you….or you are one of the people I confide in now) that ship has sailed….and I’m really ok with it…but I just ask…when is it ever going to end? When are we that say Jesus name…going to start acting as He asked us to? When?

Right now, everywhere I go…I hear people saying what their word is for the year…I hear people saying how they are going to organize…and truly change things this year….and this is when I actually get a bit discouraged.  I really…feel that the year was too short…and I didn’t get to accomplish all that I wanted to do.

The accomplishments for this past year are many…my son graduated from high school, he was accepted to the university he is attending now, he made Eagle Scout, and he seems to be doing quite well.  For my husband and I, our store was able to accomplish some titles we wanted…I received some recognition I was shocked to receive, and we were able to travel and see some things we wanted to see.

Around my house I was able to continue with purging…use two more spaces much more effectively, and be able to get rid of more and more things that were not bringing me joy. I was also able to accomplish some house projects that we had been wanting to accomplish.

However, the main theme that keeps haunting me…daily…are the words…peace…and quiet.

Every year, I tell myself that this is the year…that I will be intentional…but every year we fill it with things that are all good things….but do they really bring me joy? What am I to accomplish with my life? What is good for my family? So….here are some things that I decided to do to change that.

1. Say yes to things that only bring joy…not stress.  So for me this semester, it means: be a part of ONE coop, and take just one class for the other. Take an art class from home, so my daughter can continue what she loves, all for the joy of what she wants.
2. Do things that bring ME joy: yoga–taking the time to do this….de-stresses me, but when I do it….OH, I feel so good. Deep Tissue Massage—I need this every other week…it keeps me feeling good, relaxes me.
3. What feeds my soul? Clowning….clowning feeds my soul.  Be mindful of where to clown out…do those places bring me joy…do they fill that burning that my heart desires.
4. What makes me proud of who I am? Continuing classes that help me learn the business that I help my husband in, in turn, this helps him as well.  Instead of sitting there…I am able to be a beneficial partner to him, helping him make decisions, based on knowledge that I didn’t previously have.
5. Do activities that my child loves-horseriding lessons and swimming and violin. I was tired of running everywhere for activities that my children were not having the most fun at…or learning much from.
6. Clear my errands- there are so many things that can help with this.  Grocery pickup. Target Pickup, Library pickup, order by mail….I try to hardly EVER go into a store anymore….I can run my errands in 20 minutes as opposed to two hours. BONUS? I save so much more money.
7. NEW GOAL-trying to stay off my phone completely every night from 6-9….haven’t accomplished it yet…but trying to desperately.
8. Trying to eat healthier.  No desserts except on the weekend.  More fish, less red meat…trying to get rid of sugar….little by little.
9. Buy less so that I can save more….and put that money into savings for a out of the country vacation we would like to take.
10. The biggest change I want to make this year: Clowning with a purpose….doing it to the best of my ability…making a difference while doing it…being a light in a dark and sad situation.

I want to be more intentional this year than last….but my goals haven’t changed.  I think that is the problem with goal setting….we set this high goal…and then don’t really give ourselves time to accomplish it….we can accomplish so much…if we set small goals.

For me:

1. I want to do yoga four times a week
2. I want to do two to four clowning opportunities a month
3. I want to bring less and less into my home each month
4. I want to use our funds for things we truly love and need
5. I want to be the best clown I can possibly be.  I want kids to realize what being a good clown really looks like and how scary clowns are just stupid.
6. I want to finish my GIA class by summer.
7. I want to get rid of a lot of sugar in my diet.
8. I want to enjoy homeschooling with my daughter and really slow down the activities so we can enjoy our time together more.

Those are a few of my goals….and I look forward to accomplishing them…what are your goals? What stresses you out about making goals? Do you set goals?

Have a great year!

Before Christmas, I decided to do a big room transformation, on a tiny budget. I decided to give my 11 year old the room on the other side of the house, that once was our school room. Now that she is getting ready for 6th grade…it really wasn’t that important to have that big of a room dedicated to school.

So here is the room in how we started!!

There was nothing wrong with the room…it just wasn’t being used to it’s potential.

So I repainted a bed given to us from grandma, a dresser from grandma, a bookshelf, and a armoire and repainted everything.

I took an old mirror and taped wallpaper in it. I also ordered pictures from Shutterfly of her riding lessons. I had prints from Etsy that I have had for a long time.

I ordered duvet cover from amazon and pillows….

My mom had painted this picture of me when I was 12 with my own horse.

I framed some more pictures of Ellie during her riding lessons and an old poster that I found at an antique mall.

She absolutely loves it!!!

I also did a chalkboard wall.

I am not sure if there is a post that makes people more upset than the idea of your child having a cell phone and what age that they should have one.

I offer my opinion, and only MY opinion.  I try to listen to people that are older than me and have been through things with their kids and learn from them.  I offer you what I have learned…and what things that I have put into place for my own children.

First of all, my daughter is 11 and she is homeschooled.  She is either with me, at my store, or my parents house….she is occasionally with friends of mine (and I have their cell phone numbers). She is very rarely home by herself…but I have a backup plan in how she can reach me in that situation.

I personally, would love to be able to disconnect my Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc.  However, I own a business….and to delete your social media…is a great way to end your business.  I also keep in contact with my friends (every single one of them live far away from me).

I am starting for the new year, to be able to completely turn my phone off from 6-9 every evening…and checking it before bed (because I do have employees that have problems sometimes, and they need to tell me what is going on. I also have aging parents, and three adult children.)

When we first came on the scene of cell phones, our eldest at the time was 12 or 14.  The phones then offered texting and calling…social media wasn’t really a issue.  She also was the type of child who really didn’t care about social media (at 24 she still doesn’t).  She is very smart, goes to Penn and is working on her PhD.  She clearly doesn’t see the importance of it…and we have always been fine with that.

Our other two children (now adults) have struggled with social media….and I that is why I am changing things for our fourth child.

For all of you that think I just wasn’t vigilant enough…here is a list of what I did….

1. There was a curfew on phones…and they were all to be left in the charging station in my kitchen.
2. I had tracking devices on phones
3. I had software to show which phones had had different programs put on them
4. I took phones away when there was activity on it we didn’t like.
5. I checked messages and they knew it.
6. I had friends who would check their social media.

 

Here’s the truth: you really have NO way of tracking, checking, knowing it all….at all.

You canNOT protect your children enough….they will go to sites they shouldn’t, they will send texts they shouldn’t….they will do things they are ashamed of…and you will question your parenting.

Now, my kids are adults….I’ve explained the dangers of not getting a job because of what they post on social media…and its up to them for what they do from now on. Now that they are busy into college and jobs…they don’t have the time that they once had for social media….and for that I am grateful.

When we go to dinner with my 11 year old…she draws…that’s her favorite thing to do.  She reads and draws…and yes….her parents have their phones out because they own a business and that’s what we have to do to continue with our business.

My daughter is homeschooled, she has a google chrome….I monitor it, she does school on it.  She does not have her email….she can text her friends at any time with my phone….oh they have begged to even BUY her one…so they can text her.  However, on this I am not wavering.

My son had a cell phone at age 12 because he had basketball practice and scouts, and I could text him and say…”I’m waiting in the van for you.” and I had a baby in the van…and he would come out.  He also didn’t have any internet on that phone…you can’t even buy those anymore.

My daughter does violin, horse riding lessons and swim team (I am with her at all those practices).  She also has coop classes (which I am also with her).

If we lived in the city, and she traveled alone each day on a bus (that would be different)…if she went to a traditional school (that would be different).  If she was at the age of driving (she would have a cell phone.)

However, at the age of 11….I will protect my child’s innocence as long as I can….because I have seen what the internet can do….and just because you haven’t or don’t believe your child could ever….ever….ever…be involved in that….well….take care my friend…because those that don’t think it will ever happen….normally are the same ones sitting there wondering how it did.

Give your kid a book, an art book…a game…a conversation….books on tape…a friend over to jump on the trampoline…baking lessons, embroidery, sewing…swimming, animals….anything….embrace child hood….because soon enough….they will be adults…and manage a million little things…and be on their phones…just like you and me.

 

I recently read an article…patents complaining because some parents are able to give their children more for Christmas then others…and how that they have had to explain to kids why Santa gives their friends IPads, and they get stuffed animals.

I really can’t explain my outrage….it just really infuriated me.

I grew up in the 80’s. I went to a private school. I lived in a nice house. My father worked in a factory seven days a week so that we could live in our nice house and go to our private school. I had friends who were wealthy and friends who were like me. I learned early that they got all the Cabbage Patch Kids in the world and I saved up for a whole summer to buy just one. I learned that they got jewelry and whatever else and I got my Barbie McDonalds….and you know what??? I was ok with that.

I as an adult see the money that people spend on Christmas for their kids….and I can’t believe it…but guess what? I don’t pay their bills…so what they need to do with their money is not my problem.

Recently, I had this discussion with my son. He goes to a very prominent university where kids his age drive Mercedes and Lexus and brand new Jeeps. He drives a Kia…and doesn’t have a Gucci belt or a Gucci bag. May I remind you all, I don’t either and probably (unless I find it in a thrift store for $3.99, won’t ever have one). He wondered why we always help so many people in our community, but rarely go on elaborate trips…may I say that we travel rather frequently….I have taken all of them to Hawaii, we have gone to Colorado a couple of times and recently NYC and spent a lot of time in Philadelphia. I am currently saving for us to go to Europe…our eldest has traveled quite a lot and we hope for our son to have the same experiences.

As I sat there and listened to him talk…I realized he was blinded by the glitz and sparkle of what others have. It happens at the age of 19….heck, it happens at the age of 44.

So here is the reply I gave to my son…

“Learn to live lean, learn to look in the mirror and like who your looking at. Be proud of who you are…it is not what you own, but your character that matters. Look at the world and go out and grab what you want by your own two hands.”

Until we teach our children that the world owes them nothing….we will have a nation of entitled young people that won’t work, because they feel they don’t need to. They won’t follow rules, because they don’t feel they should. They won’t show up for work, because they are tired and don’t care they can’t pay bills. They will be upset because others live in bigger houses, instead of realizing, if you want a bigger house…work for it. If you want to go to college or trade school, work to attain it. This world owes you nothing….go and work for what you want. Achieving this, is hard hard work…but your goal can be achieved.

I am tired of hiring employees who just want a paycheck and don’t want to work for it. They have no desire to learn more…no desire to be proactive….they just want me to throw a party because they actually came to work.

I am not alone…this is a huge problem that many employers are facing. This is not just a problem with our young people…this extends to many.

So…if your complaining that people are telling their kids that bigger toys come from Santa then what you can afford to buy your own children…then you just might want to re-evaluate some things….the first lesson you should realize is this: Life….is……NOT…..fair.

So…my son is learning this lesson…and in three years I’m looking forward to seeing him graduate…and if I did my job well…he will have learned to grab the world by his own two hard working hands…and get what he wants out of life….without the Gucci belt.

Have a great one peeps!!!

I think all of us, if we are honest…need a little applause in life.

We need someone to say good job, way to go…and sometimes…we get it…but many times we don’t.

I like to think that I don’t need applause…that I’m perfectly content to do nice things for people in secret….that just knowing I’ve blessed people is enough. I confess…that sometimes I am able to accomplish this with great ease…but there are other wounds…that have dug such a deep hole in my heart that I am not sure I ever will recover.

Jesus promises to heal all wounds. He promises that all lies will be revealed, and the truth will be told…but He doesn’t promise this on this earth.

What do you do…when you have sacrificed, given money, given time, sweat, blood and tears…and your shown gratitude by those that lie about you…and then it’s even covered up deeper by people telling you that they don’t want to discus it…they don’t want to hear truth…only lies. That they want to follow those who have wronged you smiling and happy all the way…while you, who have done nothing wrong…except give up so many things to make a difference…and your reward? Your reward is people get to lie and talk about you in a deceitful manner.

What makes this lie even more unbearable? These are people who claim to love Jesus…that claim to read His scriptures…what do you do when that happens???

Well…you pray…and you pray and you pray. I believe this is the cross that God has asked my family to bear….and it will probably not end until I leave this world.

My children who have watched my husband and I struggle and serve…now want nothing to do with my Jesus because of those who spoil His name.

May I say to you….Jesus does not call them by name…He loathes what they do…and someday…the truth will be revealed. Someday, the lies will be exposed…someday He will judge.

What will happen if I store hatred in my heart like I feel right now? What will happen if I continue to let the hurt fester, the hole go deeper, the pain spread into hatred??? I and those closest to me will be the ones to feel it…not those that have caused pain…but those that walk beside me daily…

I could write books of all the wrongs and ultimate crap that has fallen on me from the wrongs of other people. There are days…I feel the light going out of me…the “can do” spirit…not so caring anymore…and I desperately want to close up and not feel anything…not go anywhere…not so anything. After all…what’s the point? My hard work is just contorted into ways that I never meant for them to be. Why work on new relationships? Someone else to deceive me after I’ve opened my heart? Someone else to spread lies about me?

I write here to say…I have no idea what the answer is…so for now…I’m being quiet…and I’m sitting still…waiting…waiting for some food to be shown…waiting for the hurts to heal…praying for the truth to come out.

The older I get, the more I feel I do more things I wish I didn’t have to do….more than the things I want to do. Perhaps that says something really bad about me.

This week we have lots of fun things coming up…but since I’m not amazingly wealthy….I do the hard part. I have to do all the “things” to make the party work. It started several months ago when I planned the theme….and now I’ve cooked up this amazing decor that I’m now stressing about if I can possibly make it look like I envision.

Then after I have that done, I have my outfit to put together..:which for a 44 year old woman..:who is a size 8 and should probably be a size 6…I have waited to the last minute and have decided to seal my fate with online shopping…despite being completely disgusted with dress number one….and packing it back in its box for returns. If only I looked like the six foot model that had my dress on and looked so amazing. Alas, I’m five feet and two inches on my very best day and formals they do not make without a serious seamstress🙄. Apparently, they don’t believe that those of us who never grew after age twelve, have a desire to go to formal occasions. Alas, I like to live dangerously….and I think my second choice will be a winner winner chicken dinner.

After I pull this event off for two nights in a row with my amazing staff and hubby carrying us through…we have our first major holiday of the season…followed by a birthday and then followed by a flurry of decorating both home and store….and this….this is where I lose it every year.

I tell myself I’m going to go simple….but then three days later….I keep making more “touches”. Then in order to keep up with the “touches” I need to have a gingerbread house, and elf on the shelf, the advent calendar, don’t forget the extra parties! We also need fresh baked cookies everyday for home and store..:.then we all need to work out more….because remember our health is so important and we want to be there for our family members right?

Then don’t forget to make sure you have the perfect holiday card that must go out on December 1st to be recognized as the put together family!!!! And make sure it’s snowing to make it even more realistic!!!

Also… make sure you handstamp each and every card with a long letter making sure that everyone knows your children are amazing g, make straight As and have won all scholarships in all sports…and were asked to just pass through college and start saving the world immediately after graduation(if the world can possibly wait that long).

For just a minute….let’s be real….99.9 percent of us….actually try to accomplish all those things….there isn’t one thing I just mentioned that I haven’t actually tried….and now….there are a few things that I have learned and this is what I do:

1. Store bought cookies on certain days of the week can be found at my store. Most of the time they are homemade…..but I need a break every once in awhile.

2. I quit sending Christmas cards two years ago..:.because frankly, it was an expense with absolutely hardly any return. Perhaps that says something really bad about me…but I basically say…truce….truce to all my friends. With the beauty of facebook and instagram, I am able to see what your family looks like….and let’s be honest…do we ever read the letters???!!

3. I will continue to try each year for less is more in decorating….over the years I have gotten better with this….simply because I’m to busy to care anymore than the allotted time.

4. We still love gingerbread houses….but I buy them already together…..and I love the fact that my daughter is old enough to do this by herself or it’s a special time together with her and her Dady who is way more creative with that kind of thing then me.

5. I quit filling my calendar so full that I couldn’t breathe….I let my daughter sleep under the tree when she wanted in the living room….

6. Our advent calendar was from Hobby Lobby….a piece of chocolate and a scripture.

7. I made huge batches of cookies and then froze them, ready for consumption st any moment.

8. We didn’t have to have real trees anymore…maybe one if we so desired.

9. This year….Christmas pjs come the night of thanksgiving so that we all can wear them and think of each other while we are all apart (3 out of 4 kids no longer live at home) them wear them on Christmas morning.

10. We try to give gifts that are practical, one fun gift….and let our kids participate in blessing someone else.

I will not lie to you….the holidays are hard…and I’m normally dead tired. My favorite day is normally the 26th of December..:and my favorite month of the year is January.

This year….I’m determined to sing the carols (not Santa Baby….that song is horrible) and go look at the lights with wonder with my eleven year old. Make the season count for my college kids….and try not to drink my weight in coffee..

It’s on girls….let’s go!

Growing up, there were always the girls that I looked up to.  The ones that could voice their opinion with poise…and get their point across without getting in trouble.

I remember in college, I asked a question to my dear teacher who I loved and adored.  We were allowed to ask the question anonymously by note…and as she began reading….I realized instantly….she didn’t understand what I meant AT ALL! My heart was crushed.  The lady that I adored, revered even….thought I meant something that I did not mean AT ALL.

As I have grown older….that has followed me.  No matter how clearly I THINK that I’m presenting my thoughts….they are taken out of context….often.

I knew pretty early on in my life….that I was definitely….a girl that had to fix the messes….and let the girls that could lead….lead.  I became a buck….as in…the buck stops here…..not in….the male of the deer species.

I wasn’t the beautiful child, that the teachers loved….I was plain.  Plain long blonde hair, straight and stringy.  I was skinny, I was pale…and I really didn’t have a fashion sense.  I had freckles, and I burned easily.  I was loud…I was shy….I was funny….and I talked a lot.  I never understood math….from the very beginning….I learned to hate school pretty early…..especially math.

I loved reading, creative writing, and I adored handwriting and lunch.  I was a hater of naps, white milk….and a lover of taco day.  I hated kick ball…and told the boys so….I could make a boy go from a 1-10 in anger in 2.5 seconds….with my indifference of his wanting to win a kickball game….so much so…that I would frequently fake injury because I didn’t feel like running….I had no desire to win sports….or play four square….or basketball….in high school it wasn’t any better….and I made my PE teachers HATE me….many a PE teacher tried to give me a C….and I still think to this day….that PE was the absolute BIGGEST waste of time of my life.  Talk about a class that made you feel inferior in front of your other classmates….seriously…..they need to give it UP!!! All the words of discipline, and pushing of oneself….I took them all….in one ear…and out the other.

In college, I actually had my german teacher recommend me quitting (yep…for real) and was surprised that I got a degree.  Apparently, german teachers feel that if you don’t understand their language…you might as well go live in a zoo…because you can’t possibly be an intelligent human being.

I spent much of my life being told that I was stupid, being yelled at…and passed on by for other prettier girls.  Every single thing I got in college or high school….I completely earned.  You know when you study your butt off and get good grades? How about studying your butt off and you only get average grades??? That was me….and B student was the best that I could do….but I knew that life wasn’t all about grades….and it isn’t.  Oh trust me, I expect my kids to get all A’s….they are way smarter…but not because they won’t be a success in life if they don’t….but because I know that they can achieve them.

As an adult….I would say that life has knocked me down several times….I’ve gotten back up more times than I can count….and as I grow older….kind of tired of it…as most adults are.

I’m tired of the whining from the older generation as well as the younger.  On a daily basis…I have people whining to me from all sides.  Employees whining, family whining….everyone is whining…and I’m the one that if stuff goes wrong…I’m always the punching bag.

Can I just say that for all the “Punching bag” people of the world….I’m just a little beyond exhausted. A few tips for those of you who feel the need to use a punching bag person….bear this in mind. Starting off with the words…I’m sorry to tell you this…is a waste of air…your not really sorry.  After your done letting the “punching bag” people know every single thing that is bothering you….perhaps…asking them about their day…just might be an idea. Also helpful and should be noted….if you could possibly do this without being on your phone while asking…is actually…well…human.

Further more, giving them recognition…if only for a moment…would be nice.  For instance, to your wife or mother you might want to say the following: “dinner you have made for 300 days of the year was mostly good.  You keep the house clean, and clean clothes for me to wear.  You decorate nicely and take care of most home repairs…and decorating…and shopping.  You also make our store look nice, and the employees from going over in hours and the shifts covered and supplies filled….and social media running for our business page.  You also do a great job with volunteering….and homeschooling your daughter.  Thank you for taking the time to pay the bills and keep all the things going that you do.  Thank you for working part time outside the home….and trying to stay fit.  Thank you for teaching classes to other children…all the while…keeping everything afloat.  Thank you for basically having the life of “wac-o-mole” Thank you for doing the impossible and changing the toilet paper roll….every…..single…..time. Thank you for changing the hand towels, and folding the towels in weird ways.  Thank you for matching my socks. and hanging up my shirts…cleaning the bathrooms and my messes.”..Thank you…Mom…..because…really…..I’ve just described just about every Mom I know.  For all of this….we get a “you forgot this” and “MOMMMMMMM, this isn’t working” and then we feel guilty for 15 minutes sitting in the bathtub…as we hear clanging….and all sorts of things…while we just wanted a few minutes by ourselves.

So….dear punching bag Mother….I hear you….I feel you.  Coffee is my best friend….and leggings….and Netflix….and Antique Candles.  It’s why we all love Target and Starbucks…because…Moms…we need to help each other….and encourage one another…so we can be the punching bags to everyone else…

As I begin a new week…that is literally a play by play each day…I’m hear for ya….we will make it through these next crazy seven weeks….because even though being a punching bag gets old….being a wife and a Mom never will….I could do with a trophy….every once in while….but…I don’t want to be spoiled ya know!

 

So…my Dad gave us a scare last week…we thought he was having a stroke. My Mom is having some health issues and my sister is battling breast cancer….and…I felt I was juggling all the “things” pretty well.

Then, my son texts me that he thinks he has a concussion and then….he went to see the doctor and he does…and I’m just kind of undone.

I sat in church on Sunday….irritated….mad at God…I kept screaming at him “aren’t we good people??? And we still keep getting crap happen in our lives! Can we NOT get a break?”

He then reminded me of a blessing he had just given us this last week…but I’m so quick to judge…and demand.

Yes….I replied…yes.

Still, I sang not one word of worship….I read not one word of scripture….I sat there as a 44 year old woman….and had an actually pity party.

I was mad because of circumstances that were unfair…and people being petty. I’ve been annoyed at people driving horribly on the interstate and their lack of knowledge of acceleration ramps.

Lately, I’ve even been to annoyed to shop in actual stores (even though I’m pretty happy with the time and money it saves me with pickup).

I’ve been annoyed at my employees….I cannot seem to make them happy. Annoyed when I’m at charity events because I feel that people should GIVE more for crying out loud! Annoyed at Facebook postings, annoyed at family members…annoyed…

I even found myself annoyed at the moon tonight…seriously….the moon???

All I have wanted lately is to spend days and days at my home and never come out…never speak with anyone…never interact….not because I’m necessarily MAD at anyONE person….I’m just mad at the universe it would seem.

I’m tired of parents who hurt their kids, young men that kill innocent women because they broke up with them…I’m sick of watching the news and seeing everyone yell at each other. Who has the biggest insults? I’m tired of hearing the words “militant” and “rise up”. I’m tired of people asking for jobs and then not wanting to work for them…surprised that we expect them to show up. I’m tired of women who accuse others with no basis…they just say whatever they want…and we are supposed to believe them. I’m tired of people being able to ruin my reputation because they feel like it and can say whatever they want…even though it’s a ridiculous lie. I’m tired…of the shouting…the mean spirit…the selfish people…and ALL the movements.

I remember that the only time I heard politics was around the holiday table…and after everyone shared their opinion…we moved on…and ate with one another…and hugged each other….even though our house was divided…we were happy to be with each other because that’s what this country was…it was made for you and me…but now…

It’s divided and it’s cranky…and it watches the news far to much.

While at a charity event the other night, they were trying to raise money against human trafficking….and as I sat there….I was undone as I always am when watching that video….

What have we become as a society? Where life isn’t valued…and people want to take someone’s life simply because they disagree. Where we shoot each other because someone pulled in front of me. We honk at each other because someone is t moving fast enough. We won’t applaud another’s success because that means we didn’t get it. We refuse to lend a helping hand because what’s in it for me? We let our kids be babysat by electronic devices because we are to tired to even say no. We Medicate ourselves and drink ourselves every weekend….and all I can say is…for what???

What is your purpose? What is my purpose? Is it just to achieve wealth!? Things?

Every day I try and think about that…when I’m not getting mad…at the world like a small child.

I say…everyone turn off the news….have a real conversation with someone…and let’s all put our phones down…