The Reluctant Red Nose

Today I spent half the day at the hospital with my Dad. He had what they felt was possibly a stroke the other day so he got lots of tests and an overnight hospital stay. He wasn’t to happy about it…and who could blame him. Being tested and poked and pricked all day is not a day any of us would want.

I had plans of course…plans of Co-op…teaching etc…but people stepped up for me and took care of what was needed…helped get my child to classes as well….and as I walked by the other rooms…I did some thinking…places like the ER always do.

I’ve set in despair at an ER…told my first husband didn’t make it…after his car accident. I think everyone thinks how they will react…and let me tell you…I was numb…completely numb. Didn’t really manage to make any sentences…just kept trying to grasp the words out of the doctors mouth.

I’ve sat and waited as my toddlers fever went to 104 down to a normal rate…no ear infection they said…don’t know what’s wrong..

I’ve sat and waited on asthma attacks and I myself have been a victim of the ER when I broke my leg during a 5K (yes, I finished the race…just a hairline fracture) didn’t hurt until I STOPPED running!

As I walked to my car to go home and fix dinner for my family…strangely aware of what happens in that parking lot…panic…fear…despair…joy…praise…relief…so many emotions.

The list…the endless crazy checklist….the endless to do list…the school list, the things I’m gonna improve list…the things I’m gonna make, create, organize, decorate list…the ministry list, the cleaning list…the clean the floors to a crazy shine list…you know what list you have that makes you a mess if it’s not completed…and for me…usually, it’s all the lists that I just listed.

On my weekend away I had some time to reflect…time to think..:and some time to re-evaluate. It was kind of crazy…and every time I think about it…something even bigger than I imagined comes to distract me…and I’m not even kidding.

This year for Christmas…I’m actually going to try to enjoy it…I’m not gonna have homemade everything….and I’m not gonna feel guilty about it…I’m gonna decorate similar to last year….because last year I took it way WAY Way down…but I work in retail….and I have a secret to share….most of us….dislike the holidays….I didn’t say it was good…but we do. Most people in retail hate it because of rude shoppers, I can tell you…that’s not my problem. I have awesome and wonderfully sweet customers….but like my family….I like to go over the top with my store…making the holidays taking every single tiny bit of joy out of me…I’m literally so happy for the 26th of December…that it’s probably very wrong….and you know why??? Because I was trying to make everything perfect and lovely…my pictures actually made me tired…

We instagram and Facebook and Snapchat ourselves to death…and guess what??? I can’t compete with those with 108 thousand followers(and after the rude comments they get, I don’t think I want to!) so…I’m gonna take Er down a notch…nobody to impress…just here I am…take it or leave it…no worries.

I’m gonna do yoga twice a week , instead of twice a month. I’m gonna start running again. I’m gonna finish the books I have on my nightstand (the ones that help my spiritual life, not just the fun ones) I’m gonna finish my gem class…I’m gonna take spontaneous field trips (whoa, I’m getting out of control now)

What do you want this holiday season??? It’s upon us…it’s coming…what are you signing up for? The crazy train? Or the slow me down train? I’ve never boarded anything else beside the crazy train, so this will be an adventure!

All ABOARD!!!!

If this would have been a question for my 20 something self….the answer would be…feeling loved.  Feeling loved by the man I was dating, feeling loved by my friends…feeling loved by people I was around.

Now….20 something years later…the answer is a bit more complicated. The things that give me joy now…are probably things that would have seemed like punishment during my college years.  A quiet night at home…a nice nap, a clean house, fresh laundry….fresh laundry being put away….clean floors…fresh flowers….freshly made soap…a bed that is fresh and clean and made. A clean car, inside and out. My children when they succeed, when they accomplish their goals.  No dirty dishes in the sink, my appliances all working at the same time.  A nice day at our store….sales going well….employees doing well….husband happy.  Money left over after bills are paid.  A nice safety emergency fund…a fat retirement account….debts paid off…you all get the idea.

Today, I started making a list of things that I want to accomplish….and things that make me the happiest….I have one child left at home….and we homeschool….and the things that I want to do now….are not the goals that I had even ten years ago.

Ten years ago I had four children, some of those four, were teens, and I had a pre teen and a baby….survival of all of them was top priority….and I didn’t know what I looked like daily….but coffee was my bestie and so were track pants…and I wore them with all the gusto this Mamma could muster.  Soccer, basketball….drama, dance…all of the things….and then….they were all done…teen drivers…more worry….and now…its down to one….and for the first time in a long time…its time to reconstruct how I want the rest of life to go.

As I grow older…so do my parents….so things I knew that I loved and treasured…would have to take a back seat.  My charity groups that I enjoy visiting a lot….I just don’t have time for right now. Checking on my parents and making sure they are doing ok…has now taken over for that. My daughters education as she’s getting older, and different things that we can do…are now another top priority.  What sports and hobbies will benefit her the best? What can I influence her the most with? Baking and cooking give me great joy…but doing it for three people is a whole lot different, than party of six.

My store now has asked more of me.  More involvement as far as planning, decor, more education…more time there…more. Again, other things that used to bring me joy…have had to be rearranged.

Last but not least….me…..I’m not sure there are to many of us that want to take the time to take care of ourselves.  My legs and feet hurt more than ever…I miss running….I haven’t run in over six years….and yoga is calling me…but I rarely listen….its time…its time to take back me…

Just because we are involved in good things….doesn’t mean they are the right things.  For me, clowning gives me great joy…but I simply was becoming to exhausted to do it anymore….and it was showing…I wasn’t really doing a great job of it anymore….its time to take a backseat…show others how to do it…and sit in the shadows. I arranged our schedule for my daughter to be able to take the classes she most wanted….and drop the things that we just were not enjoying as much…(this did not include violin or math tutoring) those things are not going away 🙂

It did however, make me look at each class and activity she’s involved in and see if its something she really loves….something that I feel will give her support in who she is to become….and she is also aware that on those days that she has to work later and harder, because that’s the give and take of what we do.  You decide….but work still has to get done…course work must be completed.

I know several parents that have their children involved in lots of after school activities….and I will only say….what do all those activities do for the enjoyment of your entire family….and your child? If there are only positive things that can be said…then there is nothing else to add….this is an extremely personal decision.

I just know that for me….I can’t live with constant running….there are seasons…that life is going to be busier…but we cannot perform at that level every day.

What do I love? I love blogging, learning new things about our industry, getting better at making soap.  I love clowning, yoga, and running….and I love baking and cooking….and looking at this list….I cannot do all the things….I can only choose a few…so I’m choosing my family….and I’m choosing me….

With all the guilt that sentence brings me…I am….just because I’m leaving something behind that I love doesn’t mean that I cannot spread joy and laughter in another small way….it just means…that for now…for me to be a complete and whole and happy person…a little is gonna have to give.

Oh weary traveler….oh weary one that gives and gives and gives….its time to rest for a bit…I know who you are…I’ve walked beside a few of you….sometimes…we have nothing more to give for a season….its just a season….and its ok…to sit out a season…and drink in all the things that He wants us to learn, that we’ve been to busy to see….or hear…and drink it in….go ahead….rest…and be restored.

Last night I was on Facebook….and I ran across a post where a lady put on a group that I follow about trends that she dislikes.  It was refreshing, and somewhat freeing.  People were writing things like….I dislike stainless steel appliances (and even though I think she’s crazy….I appreciated her honesty) so I replied with my dislike of shiplap in modern houses….and more and more people commented on things they disliked…none of us were offended…even though most of the things being written…I disagreed with….but it was fun…it was like…the time you meet your friends for coffee…and you talk about things that drive you crazy about your kids or  your husband….you love them…but still….I mean, can anyone but me change the toilet paper roll?

Well….this evening….I went back to see what other people had included…and as you can imagine….it has been banned….with a reprimand….that basically those that like drama like that don’t belong in the group? What? because I voiced the opinion that I don’t like shiplap….I’m being told that I should probably leave the group?

Now first of all, the lady that runs the group has about a million followers (ok, she has 8,000) and she is totally the sweetest…..and I’m sure that she had all sorts of people that were whining to her….about this horrible post….but can I just be blatantly honest here people….we are pathetic….seriously pathetic.

If I can’t write on a public post….something about shiplap without people falling apart…just what have we become as a society.  Do you really care that some random stranger in the midwest….who will probably NEVER come to your home, doesn’t like shiplap? Is that knowledge really going to ruin your life…that some stranger has a differing opinion than you?

Now…its hate speech that we have decorating trends that drive us crazy…now we can get banned from a group because we said that we don’t like Rae Dunn….or macrame….who cares? How is that earth shattering? How is this even relevant?

Why don’t we all become clones? Lets just decorate the same…lets all buy the same things…and shop at the same places…and have no opinion about anything….because disagreeing with one another…now means I hate you and want only bad things to happen to you. I’m actually so mad right now….I can hardly stand it….seriously…

I actually am hating social media right now so much….you can’t say or do anything anymore….I feel paralyzed right now.  If you have a differing opinion than me….I’m totally fine with it….and you should be as well.  It shouldn’t bother you that someone hates stainless steel appliances….or Rae Dunn or shiplap…..you should do what I did….smile and laugh….and then write down what annoys you!  Agree to disagree…..but why remain silent…and why get all in a tizzy and basically reprimand me like I’m five and tell me and others that we don’t belong in a group because we are too dramatic??? My head seriously hurts right now!

Anybody with me….or are we to scared to say? UGH…..find a voice people….it doesn’t mean your wicked….if your nasty and mean about it….that’s a different story….but seriously…have an opinion…whether its popular or not!

So, about a month….maybe more….my sister called me and told me that we had yet again, another sister with breast cancer.  We now knew that it must be genetic and panic hit me.

My first sister that had breast cancer had two very aggressive forms of cancer that are estrogen fed.  My second sister has a very aggressive cancer as well and hers is stage 3.  She also had a double mastectomy and they found precancerous cells in the other breast that the mammogram didn’t even show as a problem at all.  So….again….me….panic.

This particular sister that has cancer…has always eaten well, took care of herself….and quite frankly….was the poster child for hippie type foods.  She was not perfect….but compared to this 40 something year old sister writing this…who would rather just have a cupcake with that coffee in the morning…she was WAY better than me.

My two sisters had their cancers show up at about the same age….and even though my first sister has been cancer free for almost six years I believe…its still very concerning.

I have decided that I do not want the test at all…I don’t want to find out if I have that gene….because I think that either way…I will think that I’m doomed…or have a false security that could change at any minute.  With my mortality suddenly so changed….its caused me to look at life way way differently.

First of all….I’m somewhat a simple girl….not so simple that I could live in the teeniest tiny house with just the necessities and nothing else (but boy wouldn’t that be less stressful).

After my son moved out and went to college…the purging of this house has been on a whole new level….if we haven’t used it yet…when will we….so away it goes! Its been making me second guess everything.  Why do I feel the need to constantly buy new and more….and why do we waste so much money on eating out?

I want to go sailing on the weekends with my husband, and my daughter and my dog.  I want to watch the sun rise and the sun set.  I want to experience smelling the ocean, and experience a Broadway play.  I want to swim in the ocean again…and I want to see all my friends that I haven’t seen because we have been to busy.  I want to perfect my favorite hobby and be one of the best clowns there are (crazy I know).  I want to get all my jewelry certifications and be able to go to jewelry shows and know what I’m talking about.  I want to be able to make the forgotten laugh…and the disabled dance with me and smile like they have in the past.  I want to make every moment count. I want to sit around and enjoy every speck of life….I don’t want to waste it with being consumed about how perfect everything in my house is.  How many followers i have on social media….and if  Better Homes and Gardens is going to do a tour of my home (don’t get me wrong that would be AMAZEBALLS) but very unlikely!

I just want what everyone on this planet wants….to make every moment count…to know that when your time is up….that you made it count….you were in it…to win it.

Oh my goodness! It’s been a ridiculous amount of time since I have had time to write….I fear this post…might just seem ridiculously long…and have lots and lots of ups and downs and “turn aroundie thingys” as I always like to say at the “roundabouts”.

This summer has been full…its been busy.  I have lived at our store quite a lot.  We had vacations to cover for, for our employees, and sickness, and training of new employees…and it just was a bit insane.  We did swim team (which was a wonderful time) and horse riding lessons (which we are still doing) and well…we just had busy days. We prepared my son for college as best as we could….he was just ready to go…and realized after he was at college that maybe he should have taken ol dear Mom up on her shopping trips….but we all think we are amazing when we are 18 don’t we? He’s getting settled and loving college life….and stressing about grades and classes…and all the good things he should be stressing about.

When my son left for college…we were both ready.  He has been gone a lot from home for at least a year.  His Senior year was spent with track, and orchestra and football games, and work…lots of work….so really….I hardly ever saw him anyway. Last year consisted of scholarship prep, getting ready for college and wrapping up Eagle project, and lots of other things…to have that year behind us, is quite frankly…..a relief. I waited up late lots of nights…waiting for him to get home from work….we argued about curfew, we argued about his car, cleaning his room, cleaning his car…washing his clothes…spending eternity in the bathroom…Note: our water bill is now significantly less :).  He WAS READY TO GO…..and frankly so was I.  It was just that time in our relationship, where all of us need to just make our own decisions…and let the dust settle where it may.

My favorite days….are like today….when he called me and talked to me for about ten minutes (that is a treasured amount of time) He wanted to ask my opinion….and for me…frankly….nothing could make me happier.

Are we raising our kids to be completely paralyzed….so much so…that they cannot make a decision without us helping them make it? My eldest stepdaughter when she was getting ready for college, she told us about kids who wouldn’t even fill out their scholarships….they made their parents do it?????  I didn’t fill out any scholarships for any of our kids.  Nor did I register them for college, take care of their transcript info, decide on there meal plan.  I didn’t choose their major, their classes, their computer, nor did I register where they would live.  I didn’t take care of his summer welcome…or how to pay his bill.  He did it all….and that’s how I was raised.  Don’t get me wrong…I nagged at him to raise his ACT, asked if he had any scholarships, nagged him to graduate with honors….and nagged him to get his Eagle Scout….and nagged him to save money.  I was also the “only Mom in the world who charged her son for car insurance and cell phone money.” 🙂

For college, I did purchase his comforter, towels, television and all his things to make him comfortable at school….and then I told him….that would be it…besides a care package every once in awhile….he was on his own…period.

When it doubt of your parental skills….ask yourself this…What is it exactly that you want for your child? Do you want them to be able to make friends by themselves? Or is that something you need to be involved in while they are at college? Do you want them to be able to purchase a football ticket, if they would like to go to the school game? Or is that something you feel you need to help them with? Do you want them to be able to wash their own clothes, or come home to you every weekend? Do you want them to be able to move their car from the parking lot on game day and be able to find their way back to the dorm, or do you need to help them do that? Do you find it acceptable to give them a meal plan for over $1,500 to belong to a special club….or do you realize that is not reality, and if that’s something they do want to do they should be able to work for it themselves? Do you feel that when they move into the dorm that it should be like a Pottery Barn Teen makeover….or are you more comfortable with Ikea or Target?  Do you feel that Starbucks every day is a need or a special treat? Do your kids know how to get themselves out of bed each day and shower, feed themselves, and figure out they might need to clean? I ask this….because these are questions that my sons classmates are asking….and my only response is…to feel just a wee bit better about how I raised him.

Oh I promise you, he’s messy…and we did get him up his senior year twice when he almost slept too late.  We made him pay for his car when he had a wreck, and we made him call the doctor and hair lady for appointments.  I’m not a perfect parent….and whatever mistakes he makes at school and his adult life…are all on him…and whatever successes he makes…those are all his as well.  I’m only asking that we as parents…try our hardest to make our kids independent.  Trust me, I wanted to run down to his dorm room and organize everything….but instead….I made some suggestions…and we were done in his room in 45 minutes.  He put his clothes all wrong (and it was KILLING me) but I let it be.  I made sure he knew where everything was….and just like I knew he would…he went and bought something I had already gotten because he couldn’t find it….but now he has even more trash bags….so yeah!!!

So, the question is….are you raising a snowflake….or a kids that can make his own decisions without having to be helped every single step of the way? Its so hard to not do everything for them….but we must fight the urge!

Good luck!

I came home from our business trip pretty pumped….I was excited about our business and all that we were doing.  I was excited that I picked out rubies that my husband liked and bought…I was excited that it seemed that I was finally getting it….

Then, reality hit….my son is moving out…he will never live in this house the same way ever again….and even though I say I’m ok with it….part of me really mourns that his childhood is over…..but I was taught to be tough and not cry…..so I continue to stuff it. I got home and the thoughts of all the purging we have to do to his room and the school room….and all the stuff….is kind of sending me over the edge.

Then Kate Spade…..and then it just hurt….down to my soul….and then the more people I talked to….the more they felt the same way….and I realized….I had to do something.

I have been taking a break from clowning this summer….because i just needed to help my husband with the business and I needed to get my son off to college, and I needed to get my daughter going with swimming and horse riding and violin and math tutoring….and all the things….I needed to finish painting in my house…..and get the planning done for promos for the fall for our business….so….many….things!

What I had forgotten to include….is the thing that gives me joy….the thing that motivates me….what gives me strength….what gives me motivation…..and so….I’ve been planning some things….and we will see what happens! I will keep you posted!

I also….will be very soon making soaps again….I have a huge order of supplies coming….

I keep hearing everyone talking about how we all need to talk to each other about what is going on in everybody’s life to see how everyone is feeling….and while that is true i will tell you that when I am down…..I don’t really tell anyone.  When I’m frustrated with my husband and my children etc….I rarely tell anyone….when I’m ready to scream because it seems that everything that is happening is falling on my shoulders….I don’t tell anyone.  I don’t write this to you to tell you that I’m about to hurt myself….I just know that I’m not the only one that feels that way……I’m aware that not everyone is going to stop and tell each other that they are hurting….and I have found for me personally….the best way for me to get out of my funk is…..

and right now….I’m just about ready to lose my mind….its been two months since I’ve had the opportunity to make someone laugh and smile….and I really really need it….its medicine to my soul.

If your feeling down….and beat up with the world….then….I encourage you to find something that gives you joy….and gives back to the community in which we live. It doesn’t have to be the ridiculous clown that I am….but something…..because the joy I feel when I do it…..is better than any single brownie or ice-cream treat I could ever give myself…..or shopping spree etc.

Have a blessed day….and may we all be able to deal with….the funk 😦

There are several people that I grew up with that are a little skeptical that I do what I do….others aren’t surprised at all.

I didn’t ask for it..and in the beginning I wanted nothing to do with it. It was a direct calling…I would even say it was a divine intervention…. and if you ever go with me you would see how God uses people who don’t have a lot of talent(like this clown)…in amazing ways.

During the school months, I like to clown at about three different places each month. I have different characters and games already planned out before I go. One of the places I go to, I have some friends that go with me and if I’m lucky enough I am an important clown and get to be chauffeured!

When I get up it usually just takes me about 45 minutes for the transformation. I usually like happy conversation, no yelling…..and my favorite part every time is when I get to put on my red or pink nose…every single time…

When I walk into a room I’m always nervous….even after all this time, when those faces start smiling at me….it’s all worth it right there.

I love the rolling of the eyes of some kiddos until I’m able to show them my pet cat aka “skunk” named Stinky😁. Or do some other fun games and then I can win them over.

I’ve had ladies and men, children and teens tell me things that they would never tell anyone else….because it’s like I’m not real…I’m a fictional character…I look ridiculous,..and they are no longer intimidated. Wheelchairs no longer matter, or bald heads….deformed arms, or eyes that can’t see…..all that matters…is my red nose.,,and a magical world that I can take them to for a brief moment…and they can forget …about all their pain…and I’m more than happy to do that and suffer a little discomfort any day of the week….clowning is my release…it’s what gives me strength…it’s what keeps the dark clouds away….

So if you see me in clown….smile or laugh at me….pet my pet cat stinky…and help me name my elephants….aka as mice🙄 and wait until you try my slinky!!!🤡🤡🤡

The news of Kate Spade has got people talking. Lots of people are saying how that we all need to be aware…..that we all need to have the courage to put down the veil and admit what we fear the most.

Lately, I myself have been down….if I’m honest….depressed. There are certain things as a business owner I cannot express….I cannot tell my true feelings on Facebook, or even this blog….I can come close….but never fully all out….here’s my heart.

There are people who think they know me…and dislike me….just by looking at me. There are very very few people that really know me….and my deepest darkest hurts??? Hardly anyone knows these things about me.

I can’t imagine what it was like to be Kate Spade….but I loved her style….and I love what she brought to the world….but if I had to guess…she was hardly ever told that. If I were to guess.., I would say that she probably spent her life making everything around her beautiful. I can imagine that she was involved in lots of things….but I imagine that she didn’t ever really feel that anyone cared…and I bet she believed the lie that the world would be a better place without her. I can imagine she was tired….tired of being strong….tired of being judged….tired of never receiving flowers from anyone but her husband, tired of being the one that encourages,but nobody seemed to give a rats behind about her. I bet she was tired of trying, tired of missing out on other things while she was busy giving of herself and time when it seemed that no difference was being made.

I imagine that she felt she was not doing all she could as a mother….and her daughter would be better off without her…I imagine that she felt like she was drowning while standing still… I can imagine that she would pray for the pain to end….but not feeling brave enough to end it herself. I can imagine she was tired of not hearing thank you….and wondering why the buck always stopped with her. I can imagine those new wrinkles by her eyes and extra pounds that only she noticed made her feel less desirable as well. I can imagine that all she wanted was for the voices of perfection to quit yelling at her….and why can’t we all just get along?

Everyone likes to talk about mental illness….and that we should all talk about it… and there is truth to it….but there is also truth to the fact that most of us are just tired…tired of rude people, tired of disrespectful children that we have given our lives for and they don’t seem to care. Tired of employees that seem confused they should do what you say . Tired of organizations that hold their hands out but rarely say thank you…. and tired of the backbiting, yelling and people that seem to just want one more piece of you..so much so…..we like to imagine we are just sitting in a forest with no phones or people. No sound.

I can imagine she was tired of jealous looks when she got something new…can you imagine not being able to show your friends a new diamond ring you got without jealous stares and whispers….or people making snide comments on how you got it.

I can imagine that she was super tired of being judged what she wore, what she ate, how thin she was, if she was a good enough mother or wife……I imagine she was tired of always having people tell her what was bothering them, or how tired they were but never being able to say it. I imagine she was tired of hearing the failures of employees and being blamed for it. Perhaps she had parents always nagging that she doesn’t spend enough time with them. The voices can be deafening….and constant.

How lonely she was…when was the last time someone called her to go out that wasn’t a relative. When is the last sweats party she was invited to where no cameras were allowed and she could just be her.

I imagine it was slim to nothing…and lonely was where she sat….and if most of us were real honest….we completely get it.

I think all of us that feel that way would tell her she could come out with us and spill her heart…but I think we would all be too busy to take her out or anyone else…because most big girls nowadays are to busy with their own small crowds to look out at those who are lost and alone…

Successful women need what all of us need… validation….room to let our hair down……secrets kept safe…..and always have our backs.

If you have a friend like that….you are a a very lucky woman….

So…may we all arrive to be the lifeguard that sees our fellow sister drowning….and reach down and save her….may we all be out there looking and talking to one another….you just never know how lonely that lady sitting next to you with the really nice designer bag how sad she really is.

My 11 year old called me this the other day.  She was telling me that she loved me…and I smiled.  How many times did I hear that in the last 17 years….and just thought….I would hear it forever.  Then….all the sudden, I didn’t anymore.

My 11 year old would put herself to sleep until age 5 making a whining hum that drove us all crazy on trips….and now…we miss it. You never know when the last time is you will hear something you didn’t think you needed a video of.

It seems that we figure out the babies routine…and then they become toddlers….figure how to have them go to the bathroom independently, and all the sudden they are doing division and multiplication.  Then they are going to sleep overs and organized sports that they are actually good at….and then they are driving…and then they are graduating from high school…..and then….then you are ready for them to go…because you know its never gonna be the same.

Lets be clear….I’m ready for my boy to go….and he’s ready to go….but lets also be clear….I miss his blonde hair and chubby hands…and dirty boy smell.  I miss when I had to help him open stuff, help him swing…fix his “boo boos” and hold his hand when we would take walks.  I miss how he hated bubbles in his bubblebath….how he spoke so clearly at such an early age.  How I taught him that the yellow light means go faster (what was I thinking!)  I miss how he thought my ideas were awesome…how Mom fixed everything…and how my hotdogs were the best ever.  I miss Tonka trucks and Bob the Builder.  I miss fun shaped pools every summer and dirt and sand and water meant summer.  I miss how bellies would be sticky from popsicles and watermelon…and I miss how he loved to swim.  I miss how he loved Toy Story and how he would water the sunflowers with rainboots and a Dark Vader cape and a coon skin cap.  I miss the excitement over Star Wars toys and Spider Man…how pizza was the best thing ever…and how his room didn’t smell.  How he didn’t tower over me….and I knew he was safe every night because he was sleeping in his bed.  How I drove him everywhere and how I unpacked clean clothes when he returned from camp.  I will miss each and every one of those things….but….there are also new memories to discover.

There will be college that helps him grow up….and no, I really don’t like it.  There will be heartbreak….there will be confusion….there will be reality.  The reality of having to do laundry and cook food….and all the things that “adulting” brings that all of us hate….where we all want to just be sent to our room and made to take a nap.

Just like the word Mamma is gone from our house (pretty much) and all the summer toys….and more toys….and more things are going away that used to mean that kids lived here….and here we sit…with more purging and more “adult” things….and I scratch my head…and say…can I just take a nap….I’m tired from it all….but if I nap….I will miss the rest. The word Mamma made me feel important, appreciated, revered and loved in some way….and I never missed it or noticed its absence….until she said it today…and i realized….its gone….I rarely hear it anymore.  How much more have I not noticed? How much more have I missed?

Today she swam in the pool with other girls….and she was the youngest….in age…but her body proves that she is no longer little.  She towers over girls who are at least three years older….and I watched her swim….no more pool floaties…..no more showing her how to swim under water….now she’s learning techniques to compete….and I just sat there…wondering…what have I missed….just today?  When is the last time she will call me  Mamma? When is the last time…I will hear that name….happy to say…I heard it today….but tomorrow….not promised.

What’s the words you long to never leave? Hold it tight…keep it close.

Quote Response Essay
— Read on docs.google.com/document/d/1syzNjPVUMv5mo0bu-fNstERQhy7sX8obaitPbs31BHw/mobilebasic