The Reluctant Red Nose

It’s late….I should be in bed….but my back is killing me. I have an early doctors appointment which I have literally put off for three years…and I would like to extend another year. However, the painting I’ve been doing and yard work are catching up to me.

So far this past week I have conquered a 5k Color Run, Mother’s Day Dinner (with the help of hubby and children), and two birthdays. I can sleep at night now, with my Lists complete for my sons graduation party….and I actually made appointments for massages, pedicures and nails before we go on our biggest business trip of the year.

To say I’m tired is an understatement. However, I look around and all of us seem to be working at the same neck breaking speed. I also recently completed my third jewelry class which now gives me the title of AJP (assistant jewelry professional) and now I have four classes more to take to become a graduate of colored stones and then eventually possibly studying to become a graduate gemologist (but I’m not sure my little brain can handle that).

Lately, as we are at the end of one child’s journey at home…I’ve been contemplating lots of things…family, friends and church….and it’s left me frankly….in a very bad mood.

For instance, when someone calls you and says that they are sorry for offending you, but they don’t know what they did wrong….what is your response? When someone tells you that they can’t possibly show up or help you with something (even though they have a valid excuse) what is your response? When someone tells you they can definitely help you with something….not once….but twice and twice they fail (again, for a very good reason) what is your response?

Lately I can tell you…my forgiveness doesn’t always extend how far I wish for my shortcomings to be overlooked…and perhaps I’m too judgemental with others….while overlooking the same discrepancy in my own life.

I long to be someone who shows up when I say…but sometimes I have a very sick kid, or I myself am sick and don’t feel that I should spread germs to those I’m trying to encourage…and perhaps when I actually tell that to places I volunteer at that they feel the same way…perhaps they doubt my word…because frankly….it’s common.

It’s more common to decide that your coming to a wedding, potluck, graduation party at the last minute without letting anyone know your coming.

As a host of a big party coming up this Saturday, I already have a number of people that I think will show up and I’ve bought my food accordingly. Most people will not even tell me they are coming….and sometimes I have also been this person….because sometimes I simply don’t know…and instead of disappointing them…I just remain vague…non committal.

We show up to doctors appointments, lessons, tutoring and job interviews late…we apologize…we have good reasons….but nevertheless, we keep people waiting….and it’s more than common.

We don’t write thank yous, and if we do they are always late…

We don’t develop relationships because simply….we are tired. Right now….I could go a month without going to one more party…and smile at one more kid….and think about one more birthday…🤪…..I just want to go somewhere where I can make soap and listen to the birds sing and no loud noises….but that reality is not mine sadly.

I don’t want to be a person that everyone is surprised that they show up on time. I do t want to be the person that no one can rely on….where they have to have a backup….because they are afraid I won’t show up. I don’t want to be the one that is late for work and all the work is done when I get there.

I want to be the rock that someone knows will show up and they can rest easy because I said I would do it and it’s done ….I want to be the Clown that they know will be there and they do n’t even have to think twice about it. I want to be the one that shows up on time and doesn’t leave people doing what I should have been helping with. I don’t want to be the one where we joke about how late they will be and place bets.

I want to be the person who is counted on, relied upon….and where frankly….the buck stops.

May we all push ourselves to do more for others…like show up when we should…..even though we don’t feel like it.

I sit here today….telling you this is super hard….like not the hardest ever….but still hard.

As a homeschool Mom I found out a few things about myself. First, I don’t understand teachers who cannot answer an email….especially when it’s a concerned parent 😜.

I will tell you that all of my sons teachers always answered except for one. 🙄 I also will say that his orchestra teacher was phenomenal and I enjoyed his DECA program. Honestly….to me school this year was a trial run….I wanted to see what decisions he would make.

There was some good and some bad…but the hardest lesson for me was not interfering…..by interfering I mean, it was so hard to quit doing laundry….to not clean his room….after all he leaves at 7:15 in the morning, has practice and Then gets home around 5….and three nights he goes to work..::I had made it all fit in my head as to why he needed help….but that’s just it.

I cannot remember the last time my Mom did my laundry..::or made my dinner, brought me something I forgot….or paid my bills because I overspent my paycheck. Because I’m an adult, and once I graduated college and left home for the final time…they quit paying my insurance….and all the sudden it was up to me. We didn’t haven the air in until it was so hot I couldn’t stand it..::food was meticulously dealt out for the week… no water was being run while aimlessly brushing our teeth….and there was no reason for anything other than dial up (if you don’t know what this statement means ask your mother 😳🙄). I learned quickly that haircuts and manicures are something that we can’t have…and cable was a luxury we were not going to pay for. I learned I could jump on my bed….but if I broke it, I had to pay for a new one….and I just made my bed…so all the joy was sucked right out of that idea. I learned that pants can be worn more than once without washing…..and duct tape could indeed hem my pant line. I learned that burnt pork chops meant cereal for supper and potluck was an awesome option when having friends over….but don’t turn on unnecessary lights people….we are not the Rockefellers (if you Don’t get that….again ask your mother).

So…yes I will cry at graduation….but the hardest part for me right now….is the stop fixing everything. I want to clean his room and pack his bags, I want to decorate his dorm room and neatly package his food and coordinate his drawers, so he had everything in order. I want to color code his folders and notebooks for college and cross reference everything on a planner. I want to sit down and truly explain the purpose of a ledger…explain to him NOT to eat a months worth of food in a week. I want to not answer that phone when he realizes he’s gonna be hungry for a week because he didn’t schedule his finances correctly….and that….that right there, is when we grow up. I remember when I realized for the first time that if I sleep through my class no one will wake me up. No one will care or ask me if I ate today….I could go xdays without showering and no one can make me….or wash my clothes (like my roommate from Canada). He will learn different cultures like I did going to a college in the south…where I learned about grits (they have aisles dedicated to the stuff, not even kidding!) He will learn that fudge rounds and Mountain Dew mixed with Olive Garden breadsticks….are a terrible idea (ask me how I know this).

He will learn that friends can make you crazy…

And sitting at the nerd table is actually a pretty smart place to be….pretty sure we all work for most of those people now.

He will learn that putting off papers in college doesn’t work like it does in high school….and nobody cares anymore what you did in high school.

He will also learn that calling Mom and Dad when he needs money is a bad idea…and bringing home your roommates clothes and his dirty clothes is a bad idea….he will learn…but only….if I don’t interfere…..so here we go….and good luck to both of us….because we will need it!

My son graduates from high school in nineteen days. I can believe it, and then….can’t hardly believe it.

I’ve waited for this day….I’ve dreaded this day…I’ve prayed for this day.

When your given the opportunity to homeschool your child, you have the opportunity to see the bad, the good, and the very ugly. I can pretty much tell you everything my son is thinking just by looking at him.

When he goes to college…we will see what he’s really made of…and what that will look like depends on him and him alone.

Since I homeschooled him from 4th grade to his 11th grade year I was able to keep him from some things that I really didn’t want him to see, but everyone has to grow up eventually.

I talk with some parents and they are completely undone that I let my son go to a public school his senior year. They are completely undone that I’m letting him choose his college…and be away from home…and I say…perhaps that’s what wrong with kids….we have done a wonderful job of paralyzing them.

I homeschooled my child because I wasn’t impressed with our local public school system. While there are good things about it, if you can make your child take the Honors classes, and fine arts opportunities and sports opportunities…I felt that the bad outweighed the good….but finally….his Senior year….I let him go.

I realized that in a year he would be at a big university, far from home….and I was curious to how well he would fly. So I guess we could call this year…the “temporary run”. I saw some good, some bad…but for the most part good. He learned from his mistakes…and we will see what the future holds.

I have watched many kids from private, Christian, public, homeschool….and I’ve always been amazed at how they turned out. For the most part it seems that the kids who were homeschooled or went to private school…seem to go off the deep end the most. Why is this you ask? Lack of freedom seems to be the best answer I can come up with….but really…I just don’t know.

I am aware that kids are going to do what they want, regardless of how they’ve been raised…that’s just a plain fact. However, this level of parents who feel it can never happen to their child…has me a little stumped. None of us are beyond failure.

I have said it before…I will say it again….whatever awards, whatever disciplines, whatever good or bad things that my child does in this world….is on him. We are accountable for our actions…not our children’s actions. I see a child do something wrong…(and by child I mean 16 or over) and the parents are blamed.

If my child decides to speed that isn’t on me…that’s on him….because I told him he will pay for the ticket and consequences that follow

Lately, I’ve completely given laundry to him….if he doesn’t have that special shirt he needs for tomorrow??? Again….on him….welcome to the real world! Do I do this perfectly??? No I don’t…I have to make myself shut his door and NOT fix it. I took a mental picture of how his room will look in college….or how his roommate is not going to be impressed….and I’m telling you that I really tried….and now…it’s up to the universe to teach him.

I can also tell him what kind of music to listen to, where to go to church…what to eat….who to be friends with. What not to join….what to study…:and all you do is raise an adult who can’t think for themselves.

I can tell my daughter not to wear jeans with holes. Tell my son not to shop at Starbucks or Target. Tell him not to shop at Dicks or buy anything Yeti. I can terrify him of this world….or I can show him how to be a light. A light that shows love and compassion, not a pointing finger. A light that helps others through their hurts….and helps them laugh when all seems lost. I can show them how to pay attention to the lost and forgotten…to be attentive to those around you. To smile at people. To love people. To help someone when they fall…to keep a secret in confidence. To say hello….and not to judge by how short the hemline is. To offer a meal without discussing the kind deed you did on a social platform. To show up on time, when you said you would. To follow through…for your word to count. For you to be counted on to show up….for you to show….Jesus….the real Jesus.

Whatever I do in this world….may people know I truly cared….and may they smile….when they think of me!

May my children walk in truth and point others to the truth by the way they walk.

This past Sunday….I almost held my arms up in the air….almost….I get so frustrated with myself. For 23 years I was brought up in a church where tears were for sin and hands lifted were you asking if you could go to the restroom….they were not for praising Jesus….but I really wanted to raise them….because I FELT the need….I felt the spirit rising in me and I just wanted to tell Him. However, my fundamental Bible Baptist self….told myself that Jesus already knows everything and I didn’t need to raise my hands. 😔

However, as a parent….we know our kids love us ….but don’t we want them to show us? Not everyone feels the same way….for instance….to make me really happy…and when I’m feeling sad..the best thing for me to do is go out and put on a Clown nose and Clown….for my husband…….grab his guitar….for my son??? Eat chic fil a….it’s different with everyone.

We have been attending a church called Grace for a little over a year. It’s non denominational and has Baptist beliefs….but has a few others as well ( like they like to raise their hands a lot🙌🏻) and that makes me very happy.

You don’t see a lot of suits….but you do see them. You see jeans, and camo, and dressed up folks and dressed down folks….and weird folks like me.

You see people wearing hats, drinking coffee, wearing shorts….or leggings😳 (the ultimate sin). You see people using their Bible on their phone 😳🙄😜🙋🏼‍♀️ like me!!! And there are no hymnals 😳 like what???? Our “hymnal” is on the screen. You don’t hear the normal Baptist language that I had forgotten about until I was around it again….and I giggled to myself. I counted the word “blessing” about 10 times in a very short conversation….but I can adapt….I can squeeze that word right in with the best of them. I might have over done it by saying Praise Jesus and lifting my hands up (just kidding….I can’t even seem to do that in church!)

So…there I was….Sunday morning….praising Jesus….and wanting to lift my hands up….and up on the stage the music team has tattoos and wearing hats….and the judgmental side of me wanted to judge….but….I could see their genuine love for our Savior….and I became immediately blind to any hang-ups that I would have seen otherwise.

The problem with church…is that many of us can’t leave the hurts, the judgements, the bad memories (sometimes debilitating) out of our minds when we enter the house of God. We put on this cloak of armor….just try to say hi to me….not gonna happen!!!😔 Just try to make friends with me or compliment me and I will rip you apart….because….I have been wounded more harshly than you can imagine….and I will not let my guard down again!

I refuse to buy my daughter a denim skirt because my scars are so deep….I refuse to let her go to certain church camps because I’m afraid that she will be treated how I was…

I’m not defending it….I’m just stating where I’m coming from.

I was raised in the strictest environment you can imagine. Where knees and shoulders were almost as enticing as breasts. I was told how close I could sit by boys and no closer. Kissing was frowned upon and hand holding was close to having premarital sex. I was called into the office often…told I was a bad kid with a bad attitude. I was assigned friends….oh no….not because I needed friends….but because they were spies….yep! There was nothing to spy on they later reported to me…and most of them became my friend wondering what was wrong with the administration(yeah….me to).

I graduated from there….and very very very long and sad story….made it back. God never left me….never abandoned me….and I knew He was real. He wasn’t this character in the sky full of judgement and ready to “smite me”….He loves me so much He gave His life for me! I tell you this….because….no matter the people who treated you badly in His name…that isn’t what He’s about. That isn’t who He is….and I just want to lift my hands….in complete abandonment of fear and what others think of me….and finally….just finally….let it all go.

When I first got married to my first husband over 20 years ago…I was super excited. I was going to be the best wife ever. I went to Ladies Bible studies to find out how….and they talked about organizing your trash bags under your sink? Since we were newly married and poor (paying off his college debt and he was going to seminary) there were only two sizes….kitchen and yard trash bags…..and all theses years later…I have to admit….I still only have two sizes (not sure what I missed 😳)

I have remarried….my first husband was killed in a car accident almost 16 years ago….and I have been remarried for almost 15 (judge ahead if you’d like).

When I remarried, we had to deal with lots of things that most people do not have to deal with. We had to deal with kids from other marriages and his ex wife….and there was just a lot of junk in both of our lives that we had to work on. To say it was hard would be an understatement. Gut wrenching, almost gave up on….who cares I already failed once anyway kind of attitude going on.

However, after the first child went to college and the second one left home….and now the third one with one foot out and the other foot soon to follow….I can honestly say we are even closer than we ever were.

We watch movies where people say they aren’t even interested in their spouse and haven’t been for years??? That hurts my heart to read that!

I can honestly tell you that we are crazy for each other. There is no bigger cheerleader I have in all the world than him. There is no one who pushes me like he does. I still go nuts when he walks in a room…and when I walk into a room and our eyes meet…I know exactly what he’s thinking.

Am I crazy that there are so many people our age who don’t feel that way about each other that it makes me sad? Is it crazy that we enjoy each other the way we do?

Don’t get me wrong….we fight….we disagree….but I assure you that we are both saddened that there aren’t more that feel the way we do.

Perhaps it’s the church that holds some blame? I used to go to Bible studies but would be completely outraged by the discussions of other wives constantly complaining about their horrible husbands and how awful it was to be them. I didn’t hear anyone take them aside…I just heard others join in and contribute to the conversation in negative ways….now adding what their husbands did. Let me be real clear here….I have said things about my husband in private that I should not have said…but never in a public forum.

When I was in charge of a college class I would have discussions with the girls about how to treat their husbands. I really wanted them to understand what a powerful role they play. As a wife, you have the power to uplift or tear down. To encourage or to discourage…to empower or make them feel worthless. When I’m empowered by my husband because he seees all that I can offer the world…I find that even if I was going to be uncomfortable or appear silly to the world….that my job that I have been given is the most important and I’m the only one to do it. Let me tell you….as a clown that is hard to have someone who makes you feel that special. When I empower him…he can do things he never felt the courage to do…he has actually told me this. Because I believed in him….he also believed in himself.

For 15 years….I have been with this man who has seen the good the bad and the very ugly….and he has stayed…and not only has he stayed….but we have thrived. I believe that date night and finding common interests have helped us. I also believe that children leaving the nest has helped. None of them are bad children….but it is nice in any family, when your kids start leaving the nest and we can concentrate on each other and our interests instead of several children.

I don’t have all the answers….and we are not perfect. Our marriage isn’t perfect and we have spats….but I can honestly say…I believe that we are more madly in Love now…than we ever have been….and I don’t need a marriage retreat to tell me that.😍

I am ready…..I have cried the tears of my senior boy….and I am ready.

I have talked to many of you and had this conversation in years past…and I confess I thought of you as heartless at the time…but now I can tell you….I understand.

The bird wants to fly…. and I need to let him. He wants to make his decisions and doesn’t want to listen to my immense wisdom. Oh, I wish in times like these that I always realize how I was at that age….how even when I look at my 29 year old self….I still hide my face in my hands. We as parents seem so sure of ourselves when we were younger….that we were so much smarter than we really are.

I look at pictures of young Moms with their boys….and I do miss those days….

However, I also get tired when I think of those days. How weary I was with his allergies and how he would throw up in the car and in the store anytime he had anything with the slightest hint of dairy.

How he never slept in…how he hated anything to touch his hands…..like bubbles….or play doh….just not his thing.

I look at him getting ready to make his way in the world, make mistakes, and make good decisions as well….and I’m ready. I’m ready for college to be the daily thing. I’m ready for graduation for high school to be here. I’m ready for him to make his way. I’m ready to purge his room and all his crap.

I’m ready to try new things….have more time with my last child….and do more things in my community. I’m ready to quit discussing majors and test scores and exams….and I’m ready for him to have to worry about all that….for the responsibility to be his and his alone.

Perhaps it’s different with girls….but I’m ready….ready.

What I didn’t expect to hit me was the person who was there for his birth but is not there for his next phase of life….and how that makes me sad. Not sad for me….sad for Trey. I’m sure that sounds heartless….but I’m at peace with Rons passing…and I believe that God’s plan is perfect….and even though I don’t understand it…I do accept it.

I wonder how my son is taking it….I know he will never say…but I wonder. Oh the demons of our past….will they ever be behind us?

I believe God has a sense of humor….the night before Ron died he sang the song at the church he was attending “I Can Only Imagine.” For 16 years my son and myself has approached that song with a love/hate relationship…..and now….they are making a movie of it. We simply cannot get away from this song.

I ask as you read this post you hear my heart….I am not saying that I don’t love my son….I will cry when he leaves. There is however, a time in every young mans life that he needs to spread his wings…he fights against your wisdom, no matter how small the suggestion. This does not make my son unusual….this makes him very normal.

If you are here in this place in your life that I am….you know what I am saying. It is normal for our babies to fly….and I refuse to clip his wings and make him stay….but I am ready and then I’m not ready. This phase of life is over…there is no do over. The book has been written so far. The mistakes I made are plentiful….but he was my first baby….and let’s be honest….the first baby none of us know what we are doing.

So, to the Moms who have kids graduating this May….I feel your tears, your joy, your sadness, your fear, your worry, your unrelenting nauseous feeling of whether they are safe or not….I feel it to…..but I also feel the joy of a new chapter….the time to relish with my husband and daughter….and the excitement of what is to come.

Save a tissue for me at graduation…..I’m sure I will need it!

I know what its like to be the one person in the room that no one wants to be.  I know what its like to cry at a funeral and pray you can keep it together for just a few more minutes.  I know what it is like to sit there and wonder how you can possibly raise your son by yourself….and this past weekend….it wasn’t me….it was one of my family members.

During these times everyone focuses on family….writes things that tell you to hold your family close.  We tell ourselves that we are going to do things differently….and we do…for a bit.  We think about what people would say at our own funerals….or if there will be anyone there? Will I die when I’m old….and just my kids will be there….because my friends and family went on before me? Will I die and there will be standing room only? Or when my time comes….will anyone remember anything about me? Will anyone be sad to see me gone? Will there be sighs of relief because I’m gone? Will the sun be shining? I think your day of departure from the earth….will be so ordinary. It always seems to be. I remember the day my first love left this earth.  It was a sunny day…it was in the evening.  He would always say that he didn’t want to wear a seatbelt because it would mess up his heavy starch shirt.  I would yell at him….and then when he left me and this whole world…he was wearing a polo shirt.  I’m sure I sounded insane (but they gave me a break since I was going through a trauma) as I laughed/cried/screamed at him that he was wearing a polo.  I’m sure when he thought he would leave this earth….it wouldn’t be that early.  I’m sure that he didn’t want to leave this earth with the mess that I had to clean up for him…but he did.

I’m sure that he didn’t think about our son who is graduating this May….and he won’t be there to see it. Instead, another man….who came in when he didn’t have to or need to…stepped up to the plate…and made us complete.  My husband now tells me that if he leaves this earth early that he wants me to find love again…..but I don’t want to.  If he leaves this earth first before I do….the last thing I want to do is find another heart to love.  We think the same (sometimes).  We are at the age of our marriage….that I know from across the room what he’s thinking.  I know what will set him off…he knows what makes me crazy.  I know his bad habits…and he knows mine.  He is my biggest cheerleader in the crazy ideas I have….and no one sends me off into the world feeling like I can conquer it more than him.

So, when I die….when you die….probably won’t be anything at all like we have imagined. That used to depress me….until I realized that the real excitement will be where no one on this earth will be able to see….its when I finally come home.  It’s finally when I stand before our Savior…..and all my tears will be wiped away one final time.  It’s where I hope to hear…”Well done, thy good and faithful servant.” It’s where I pray that I will have crowns to lay at His feet.

Everyone wants to be liked, applauded, congratulated and told that we are special….and some of us get that on earth….but most of us don’t….and won’t…..but as long as my Savior is happy with what I’ve done….that has to be enough.

I will leave you with these words….right the wrongs….settle the differences….and put down the phone. Be present in your life….your friends, the people around you.  Make your ministry count…make your children count, your husband.  Do the projects you’ve always wanted to do….say no to something else.  Don’t just do mundane things because you said you would…..make sure that all you do is for a purpose.  If it isn’t for a good purpose….get rid of it.  If it robs your joy and steals nothing but time….it isn’t good.  What do you do that makes other people happy? What are you contrition to the kingdom? If its mothering because you have young children….go mother.  If you have an empty nest…the possibilities are endless.  Want to get fit? Go do it! Want to run a race? Go train for it.  Want to be a clown? Well…..call me…..but you get the point! Go, do….take every minute of this life….and DO SOMETHING with it!

Fear is our biggest setback…..fear of failure…fear of laughter….fear of what will people say….

Fear after a tragedy can also completely paralyze you.  I fear every time that my son or husband drives that they will be taken from me just like my first husband was….but to understand and accept God’s will….and find peace in that….is the only way that I can possibly live.  Putting my life in His hands….is the only way that I have been able to move forward in this life.  As I write that, my heart jumps….because that is the scariest thing to write….I want to take it back….but I know that in taking that back….I will just be paranoid and fearful….all over again.

Go….live your best life….because you may just have one more day.

My husband and I were taking a late lunch yesterday while working at our store. It was a snow day but we were open and obviously not very busy. We decided to grab a bite to eat at one of our local restaurants for a late lunch.

This particular restaurant was one of the busiest in Our town and since there was ice…you can be sure that there were a couple of “flakes” that said they couldn’t come into work. Our waitress was approaching us, but first she was stopped by the previous table…who had just been given their food and then were making more demands….they needed this and that and more of this and that….and while she was at it….get this….and then they were annoyed that she hadn’t gotten it yet. Well….perhaps if you quit talking, she can get something done about your demands. She walked over to us….almost in tears….I asked for coffee….my husband water and I tried to encourage her with my eyes…like…”no worries, I think they are idiots just like you do.”

As I continued to glare at the “entitled” people behind us….I wondered just what their story was. The one giving the highest demands seemed to be all of about 12 or 13. The girl with him (who I imagine to be in college and I assume his sister) was just as demanding….but she did at least manage to say thank you. Being 2 in the afternoon these two appeared to be just getting around for the day…since all schools had been cancelled and the colleges are still on break, I’m assuming they were eating a late lunch as well. Of course, I know that there could be other things going on with these two….they could have just come from the hospital….or….they could just treat people this way because they haven’t really ever had to earn their way.

My son is 18, and he works at a local fast food restaurant in our town. Daily he’s told to “f” off because the fries aren’t in there or they asked for more than one sauce….or they have to wait for their food. He’s had people throw drinks at him….all because they were unhappy about their beverage with too much ice or too little or They asked for Dt Coke, not Coke (they both kill you so calm down).

I’ve worked at banks and daycares and waitressed and had all sorts of interesting jobs. I cleaned girls dorm bathrooms at college and learned quite a lot about others during that time, one being that….girls are just 🤢 nasty.

Here is what I learned: those that never have to work in jobs that are in the service industry will act as if they are better and are entitled. They will treat those that so work in service jobs like dirt….and make their lives complete misery.

I own a beautiful jewelry store….but I still have people treat me rudely….until….they find out I’m one of the owners. However, they have yet to learn….I don’t want you treating my employees like that either!

I am in awe of how we as humans treat each other. My coffee at Starbucks isn’t right so the proper way to handle that….is to throw it at the person that made it??? My fries are cold so let me call you a horrible name and yell it into a family restaurant. You won’t give me my money back because I’ve clearly had this and used it so I’m gonna scream until you give me what I want? No wonder so many kids are brats, and so many teens don’t understand the value of a dollar….and so many college kids feel that everything they do should get a standing ovation.

I wish that what I had seen yesterday was rare…but it’s not. It’s no longer a cool thing to work your butt off for what you want….it’s now…take what you want. If you do something mean and hurtful, let me give you a reward?

I hope that my son and my daughter will grow up to learn how to treat others because they know what it’s like to be treated poorly by others.

Until then….do what you can to be kind to one another!

It’s a new year….and a new year of clowning. I have really enjoyed the new groove that I’m in….but I find myself getting too comfortable.

Right now, I am able to attend two places. One is a retirement home….and the other is a place for disabilities from mild to extreme. I personally live both places….but the one that I adore is the one that I get them to interact with me. We are able to play games and they absolutely ❤️ anything that is a song. I always leave them with prizes and stickers and either a tattoo or balloons and sometimes all three.

I cannot tell you the absolute joy this gives me and as my daughter gets older she is able to go with me. So far, she sees what we do as important…and she really likes doing it.

I never was interested in clowning for making money. I just wanted to be able to let go and be silly and be able to help someone smile for the day.

The staff at both places I go to are super helpful and seem to enjoy that I come. Right now, I’m happy with what I’m doing….but trying to think of new things to keep everyone engaged….I think that’s the hardest part..::being able to really stay ahead of the game.

I ask that you pray for me to be able to continue doing what I feel God has called me to do….and that I would have a better understanding of what that will look like!

Thank you again for your support and loving words…it means a lot!

This year, 2018…..I will be married to my man for 15 years. I will watch my firstborn son walk across the stage and become an Eagle Scout. I will get to see him walk across the stage at a huge Civic Arena and receive his high school diploma….and then later this year, he will go to college.

Tonight while going through videos to find more training tapes for our employees I ran across our wedding video. I guess it’s something about second marriages….my first wedding tape was in a special case, along with my amazing wedding pictures blah blah blah. I didn’t even know someone was taking a video of it. It literally was taken by my husbands family and I was thrilled that we had something. My first wedding, I had a videographer (who happened to like my bridesmaids more than me) but that’s a different story for a different day. I watched my wedding video….and marveled at my awesome skinny body…..my son being three and my husbands daughters were 9 and 7 😳!!! Could not even get over how dark my husbands hair was (before we went through three teens, Lord Jesus help us).

What was funny on the video is watching your 20 something self….wow…..I was sure I knew everything. Watching it, I just wanted to grab my younger self and shake her….but….She probably wouldn’t have listened anyway.

Life beats us up….but I wouldn’t change who I am for what I have learned. I wouldn’t take the me that was in the video and traded places with her….I needed to become who I am now…and to do that….I needed to walk through some things.

15 years…..seems like forever…..seems like just a second. I know what he’s thinking from across the room. I know when to approach and when to stay away. I know when he is ready to play music….I know how long he takes to respond to a question I ask….his long pauses….I’m used to them. I know that he’s going to leave messes in certain places and when I clean them up I’m probably not going to put things back where he wants them. I’ve been known to put away sandwich making things…while he’s making the sandwich 😳. He is brilliant, he is able to understand things that my mind cannot. He pushes me to be more than I thought possible. When I want to veg out or just be an introvert and stay home….he encourages me to do something different. He is the adventurer….I’m the timid follower. He finds exciting places and out of the way places to go to that I don’t have the courage to try. He thinks up songs and jewelry designs that I could never begin to imagine. He has taught our son to debate with facts and not feelings. He has taught me to look at all angles, instead of just one. He has encouraged our daughter to be an amazing artist, to play her violin outside the box….to “feel” the music. He has guided all our children in making decisions….never pushing them…just offering different options. He has taught them to memorize scripture, to have a relationship with God, and to know to always seek His guidance.

I know when his feet ache…that getting in the eliptical is therapy for him, and he hates to watch a lot of tv. I know that he hates paperwork and I will always be the one that buys our plane tickets and books our hotel. He will always be the one to lift my ridiculous suitcases and make me laugh through security and hold my hand because…yes…I’m terrified to fly. I always count the exits etc. He never laughs at my insanity for hand sanitizer (maybe a little). I will always go to the DMV and get our tags….and he will always be the one that negotiates price when purchasing anything….because we all know that I stink at having a “poker face”. I have yet to learn that a salesman is not really my friend.🤦‍♀️

I know that loud restaurants and bad customer service can get both of us in the worst mood. We prefer quality over quantity….but boy do I ❤️ my TJ Maxx. He loves to play guitar but really enjoys the songs that make you think….he’s very shy….but once you get him talking….he’s good to go. He has a great sense of humor…..but hates stupidity and arrogance. I make him most proud when I clown at some of the local retirement homes….and he’s my biggest fan.

We have turned a small business into a pretty sweet business that we are both proud to call our own.

He is very frugal…..and I’m trying my best to get there….each year I’m better.

Our marriage isn’t perfect. He can get on my last nerve….but 15 years….Wow….

Some ask me what makes marriage work….I answer that it’s work….for both of us….annoying habits that each of us have…completely overlooking them and trying to make each other be our best selves.

It’s amazing that when you look at someone you love so much…and you decide to take things that you had rather throw back at them…for the fact that you just love them. I will pick up that forgotten dirty bowl , clean up your mess in the kitchen….and put up with things that make me want to scream….because….Marriage is not about 50/50. I don’t have a scale of where I weigh what he has done versus what I have done….I just do. I don’ t always do it with a happy heart….sometimes I don’t feel like doing extra nice things for him, but I also know sometimes he doesn’t feel like doing all the awesome things for me he does.

I love him more now than I did 15 years ago….but I also know that marriage isn’t just something you can leave alone….it’s like my yoga (which I have greatly ignored) to get good at it, you must work at it….all the time!