The Reluctant Red Nose

Every year I go through a small little funk….its usually after Christmas and I am mentally and physically exhausted. I find that what normally brings me out of it is clowning….but so far this year I have absolutely no desire to don the red nose…none….and this is brand new for me and a little bit scary if I am being honest.

I am not sad….I am currently spending this year on things that just benefit me.

For the past several years I have poured my talents into my community and church…so this feels weird. To do projects for myself and home…to be pouring myself in my family….i find myself wondering if this is normal.

From the time I was a teen we were taught to always serve your fellow man. To reach out to the hurting, the hungry and the neglected. However, I think we never really hear much about the year of restoration.

I have been through a bloody battle….I am physically worn out and mentally worn down. It takes a lot to admit that….but that’s where I am.

I’ve gotten used to the scars….the constant tests and procedures. The medicine that saves me but also causes me exhaustion and pain, irritability and all out just achy all over. I needed to focus on other things. I needed to change my diet…exercise and what I take in mentally. I was never overweight…..but I was comfortable in my “comfort food.”

I have given up Facebook….which has allowed me to now be on book 8 for the year. I have also started embroidery….I am now on my second project.

I have invested in a kindle….

I think big books seemed overwhelming to me….and now I am all good!

I’m back into plants and gardening….

My 50 tulips I planted last fall are starting to come up….

I’m getting projects done in my house….

We are back to camping and fishing and bike riding plans this year…..

And I have to tell you….it all feels really good….quiet….hands in the dirt…less screen time…less noise….I am here for it….

And I know….my red nose will always be waiting.

We just returned from a business trip to Phoenix. I feel the sun warmed my entire soul…

Upon our return I’m still getting over a cold but grateful that I was able to get through the business trip.

Went to my surgeon to discuss my mammogram….wild to compare it to last year…all cancer gone.

I then went to run errands, pick up my dogs and wash my filthy car.

This year I had decided to do far less social media. The end of January my social media accounts were hacked…I no longer have Facebook and all of the pages I was in charge of. At first I was so upset…so much work had gone into those pages…but then I wondered just what could I get done in the time I spent in social media….here is what I have found….

So far I have read six books and have started book number seven. For those of you wondering these books are around 370 pages.

I am reading through the Bible.

I have started gardening and planting seeds

I have started learning embroidery

I am getting back on my rower.

I am spending less….I am happier….I am more content….

The fact remains….why do I insist upon trying to impress people when they do not care one bit about me?

Social media….who needs it? Go see what all you can accomplish without it!

Yesterday the snow was falling….i had a mammogram at 7:10 am. My husband offered to drive me…he knew my nerves were high and the snow would send me over the edge.

My nurse knew I was nervous….I walked by the room with the machine that does your biopsy…that was a horrible experience. The machine that put the wires in my left breast before my lumpectomy…the nurses who held my hand…the doctor who spoke calmly to me. The nurses who encouraged me to fight…not give in.

Walking into the room where I had my mammogram a year previous….and I fought back the tears as my nurse carefully managed my feelings of my scars….I earned those scars.

I still fight lymphedema and wear a compression sleeve on my left arm. I wear compression socks when I fly. I take medicine for five years that will keep my cancer from returning and I take another drug to deal with the effects of the first drug.

Working out is hard but I’m determined to beat them all….

My mammogram was clear….my nurse even called to make sure I got the report….and I sit here grateful…..

I am so extremely grateful that I’m starting this year with no cancer.

Take each day….and enjoy it….

Do things that bring you joy…..

Do not quit trying new things!

Always be extra!!!!

Life has been crazy….and I have grown weary.

My medicine has affected my moods greatly and my Oncologist suggested a new med to help with my current med. when I started the new medicine it took away my appetite completely. I lost seven pounds the first week I was on it. I am continuing to lose weight because my appetite is gone…that really is not a bad thing.

Now this week after returning from travel my lymphedema seems to be coming back full force.

We went to my favorite work trip this week in beautiful Tucson!

I will not tell you that flying this time was easy after the horrible accident with American Airlines and the Blackhawk helicopter. I have always been a nervous flyer but lately I have calmed down a little bit that did not help this time.

Upon return my left arm has really been hurting and I find myself exhausted once again.

I wish my body would do what I need it to but I don’t see that happening any time soon.

I find myself still melancholy

Clowning which would always get me out of my funk I am no longer interested in….which really confuses me….its always been such a part of me for the past 18 years and now all the sudden I find myself in need of being cheered up…in need of laughter.

A hacker got into my Facebook and my Instagram causing me to completely be off Facebook. I have no intention of returning ever. I had three Instagram accounts and lost all of those along with pictures and trips and all the projects that I have done over the years. I now have a small one and that suits me just fine.

Since I’ve pretty much taken myself off social media I am now on my fifth book since the beginning of the year….and I am reading through the Bible and catching up on house projects. I believe this will be a game changer. I very much dislike not knowing what is going on in peoples lives….but I don’t miss the absolute waste of time Facebook is and all the pettiness that exists on Facebook.

So this year my theme continues…..Recovery…..and I can’t say it isn’t a change….but it’s been a big change.

I’ve always served and given in such a great capacity and to go down to zero is beyond weird…but I believe it is greatly needed.

My family needs me and my body is ready for recovery.

As I begin marking off the first anniversary of my cancer journey….here are some things you might not be aware of and is probably one of the most asked questions I have been asked.

When people hear that I am going to an oncologist appointment at the cancer center they say to me. “I thought all that cancer stuff was behind you?”

In short, and what they don’t always tell you ….it is a very long road.

I see my hormone therapy oncologist every three months. My Radiation Oncologist about every six months. I get a mammogram once a year and a MRI six months after that. Meanwhile, I take a cancer preventing drug every single day and I now have another medication to deal with the side effects of the first drug.

I have changed my diet drastically….I have started back on the course of working out again…but imagine working out and everything hurts and you are so tired at the end of the day you want to sleep…that’s the effects of this drug….but today for the first time it all really became clear.

The first year of cancer is pretty much you are just wanting to get through it. You don’t “feel” all the things. You don’t want to get emotional because you don’t want to cry….you stuff it…

Today my oncologist kept saying that he’s looked through my file and read all my tests….not many DCIS patients are a grade 3….mine wasn’t a 1 or a 2.5 it was a 3….I sat there with that….and it all became very real…..how truly lucky I am.

As I drove home….I cried….the sun looked better…the air felt warmer….everything looked beautiful.

Yep….i have to take another drug to deal with the affects of the drug that gives me life….but wow….I am here.

I hear it everywhere right now….its like I keep asking God and He is now screaming….yes!

For fifteen years I have given to my community and given. I have worked in places where many don’t want to go…I have witnessed the lonely light up when a clown comes to play! I’ve heard stories of heartache because my nose felt like a safe place to tell. I have watched humanity from behind my red nose.

I have practiced and worked on keyboard to play in front of a co creation of over 500 for more Sundays than I can count. I have enjoyed hearing the people of God sing….the first time I almost fell down behind my keyboard…it is a humbling experience to bring the church to the throne of God and I never took it lightly.

Last year cancer came….I dealt with it….and I struggled with it….and now…I am still struggling.

There are seasons in life….and right now the season I am in is to be still. That is a very hard place to be. The focus is on me and my health and that feels weird.

Letting dust form on furniture….not putting g my clothes away immediately….there may be a day that the bed isn’t made and that feels weird.

Today our Pastor even talked about Resting and Recovering….that it’s important to rest….to be still and listen.

So, this year my theme has been Recover. As I work on my physical body and my spiritual body I hope to make them both whole again. I hope that my physical body will be strong and back to where it was before cancer.

I am reading through the Bible this year….determined to do it. I am walking or working out on the rower. I am reading and doing embroidery….I am fully embracing gardening this year….

Thursday I head to my oncologist….hoping he can help with my most recent ailment….for now…I am resting in the quiet and the slower pace of life.

My anxious heart refuses to stop. I have nothing to fear…no sickness, children are all well. My animals are well. My business is well and my staff…but that anxious spirit will not stop.

I am on new medicine, have been on it for seven months and I absolutely hate the medicine that is supposed to save my life. It makes my body ache…it makes me cranky….it makes me sad.

I have been trying to distract myself lately and will continue to do so. I am back to working out again and I am back to walking and eating better.

I don’t like to go out to eat because it’s no longer fun…the food I want….I cannot have….so what is the point? I have less money and food was ok?

I am used to doing acts of service….in times that I have felt this way I have known that that is when my red nose should show up….

Honestly, right now, I don’t have the mental energy for even that.

I could list all the things that hurt my heart right now….but I fear that would cause more hurt and pain for others.

It’s the hurt that can’t be fixed….

Yesterday a client came in who used to be my son’s doctor….he has aged…his wife is dying….my heart hurt for him. So much pain and agony of all those around me….and my red nose can no longer fix it…I am weary with the hurt.

Social media has made us meaner. Attacks and lies of others are spread so quickly….people then take those lies as truth….reputations constantly having to be defended.

Those of us who spend so much time giving joy to others….have the hardest time.

We are rarely rescued….we are normally the ones who do the rescuing. We will not ever say we are hurting…we are going under….we will continue to make you smile…to make you laugh…because that’s what we do…we will never tell the heartache we have.

For now…I put one foot in front of the other….I keep moving….fill my days with either work or projects….try not to ever let my mind wander….because….I will never say….I am going under.

Sunday night into Monday brought us 16 inches of glorious snow. I have been wanting a huge snowstorm for years and I am so excited it came to find us!

Many people are complaining….I admit it’s cold. I admit driving right now takes serious skill. I admit that I never thought I would see the UPS man again…but here he came right on down the lane!

Why I like winter: we are forced to be quiet….even nature hushes…snow is the instant ear muff. It shits out all the noise. Cars go slower or don’t come out at all…even the deer took cover. It forces us to read books, do puzzles, bake bread and make hearty soups. It allows us to make plans for the year on trips to go to or gardens to plan out. It forces us to organize spaces we haven’t had time to do…it forces us to just stop.

I look better in winter clothes than summer….that is an absolute fact. I hate sweating…I do not tan…I burn…and frankly….i detest bugs. You know what’s happening right now with bugs? Death….they are all dying….and I am thrilled.

Right now is my fave season….and I am already tired of the Negative Nellie’s….but you can complain all you want….but you still have to admit…that 16 inches of snow is a glorious sight…and we probably won’t get it again for a very long time.

I remember my childhood with soup on the stove and cornbread…a warm fire…Dad always had a fire going….if we lost power…Dad always had a way for us to be warm…somehow magically we had warm food and he always had some coffee going…we loved out in the country so we would lose power frequently. It didn’t really bother me because there were books to read and we always had a fire to be by…

We had amazing sledding….not with plastic sleds…the ones where we had to steer and we had ropes to hang onto…we had to have skill…and watch your fingers on the blades….we didn’t have snow pants we just wore lots of layer. No snow boots just rubber boots they went over your shoes. You wore these same boots when it rained. You worse several pairs of socks as well.

We had snow ice cream….not the yellow snow… avoid the yellow snow. We also would make snow men and use carrots etc….

We attempted igloos…never quite successful

Enjoy the beauty of the simple life that snow affords us!

I trust everyone had an excellent holiday season. As we move into a new year…we embrace January.

I love January….a time of planning and reflection. A clean slate…and empty and shiny new planners….

As I begin this new year my goals are many…but they aren’t exactly brand new goals…just expanding on the paths I’ve already formed.

This year finds me wanting to retreat….recover….and to just kind of rest.

Right now I am finding myself backing into the shadows, out of the spotlight…clowning has taken a huge step backwards….and I feel for right now that is ok.

This month all my appointments start back up again…all the bloodwork, all the tests….and if I’m being honest….I am terrified. I can’t think about a mammogram right now without crying….I have stuffed my feelings all year….and now….here they come….and I am forced to deal with it.

My Instagram feed is now gardening…some fashion…but mostly flowers and sourdough bread and homemade soap. I’m embracing embroidery and just ordered a new Kindle for myself…

I feel my shoulders relax when I scroll through pictures of beauty…nature…quiet…all of the things that make us go back to simple.

My parents always gardened. I remember winter nights they would go through catalogs and order fruit trees and decide what they were going to plant. We had a compost pile and my mother canned…and I guess that just feels so familiar I have to continue it somehow.

I love plants and flowers and baking sourdough bread…I love making cold processed soap …it gives me joy to decorate my home…it makes me smile when laundry is going and bread is baking and birds come to eat from my bird feeders.

In the chaos and tears….in the puddles of awful messes…I find that the only way I can pull myself out…is to go back to the simple…

Our bodies are fighting….the stresses of my job and life are beating me down….and in order to not go under…there must be a distraction…my hands must get in the mix of soil…I must feel the dirt…I must see things grow…

I must retreat….and for now that feels weird…I am not on a stage of any kind right now…it feels strangely quiet….I feel like I should be going someplace but there’s no place to go.

For the first time in 21 years I find myself with time to read, plan and be present in the lives of my family….and that for the first time ever feels like I am cheating…like I am being lazy….bit I think this year would be best described as Recovery…

I trust this year you love yourself enough to heal the hurt to heal the sickness, the trauma, and to realize that before we can help anyone else…we first must be sure to help ourselves.

I did it….after I kiss his cheek and tell him I love him I get back in the car as quickly as possible….because the tears are falling. He always looks back and I always wave…I give myself until we are out of the airport to cry…and then I allow no more tears.

This is what having adult children is….you must allow them to fly…you must allow them to be happy in their lives…you must allow the joy of that independence to be your trophy that you did a good job with your adult children.

When they come home have their favorite foods, make them a basket of some sort of their fave snacks waiting in their rooms…make the house cozy, their rooms inviting. Be patient with their towels everywhere and their dirty dishes…make their favorite foods…hug them often…

Hopefully we will see our adult children again in March and maybe another time this summer….

I am thankful for FaceTime and texting….things I didn’t have when I was in college….

Now back to resting before we reset and do inventory and take down all the Christmas decor at home and work….I am grateful to have money to pay all the bills and can’t wait for all the projects I have planned for the year.

How do I cope with my adult children being gone? You reinvent yourself…you try new things…you don’t sit around and mourn for their childhood….you enjoy where you are…:

I am sure this sounds horrible but I have no desire for grandchildren right now…someday…maybe…but for now let’s just enjoy where we are!

When this girl goes off to college I will need a million projects