Quiet

I have been home since Christmas….that means that for four days..:I’ve stayed at home. I’ve been napping and cleaning, planning and working…haven’t worn makeup since Friday…and now at 1 am…my body is confused.

For five weeks…we have gone non stop…and I have been on and in and talking and baking and cooking and all the things…and now…I just want to be quiet.

I have no desire to go see Christmas lights, or shopping. I don’t want to go to museums or out to eat…I don’t want to host anything at my home…or even go anywhere.

I pick up my organizer to plan…and I just can’t…I can’t ONE more thing. I have planned my business social media to September…and all promos…and even have planned a clown camp I’m conducting in the summer…but that is it.

My body and my soul knows that I need rest….but my brain just isn’t getting that message. I’m in the middle of planning business trips for the year and camping trips and hopefully a once in a lifetime trip…but instead of accomplishing it…I just am frozen…frozen with indecision.

My calendar isn’t full to bursting and I feel weird about it. My schedule isn’t consuming me and I feel that I’m late for something.

So this year…I’m committed to me…which sounds like the biggest load of actual crap.

And if I’m honest…..I believe that’s why we as women have such a hard time doing it…we feel like losers saying we need help…that our bodies are worn down.

Maybe just say that it’s ok to sit by your tree and just chill. That not all your Christmas decor needs to be down by December 26th. It’s ok if all the boxes your using have mismatched tops and they aren’t clear. It’s ok if the contents of the box don’t have a notecard on it to tell you what’s in the box (I confess, this once was me).

It’s ok to be so sick of Christmas music that your stomach almost heaves at the sound of it. It’s ok if your talked out, tired of wrapping, never wanted to see Christmas paper again…or ribbon. It’s ok if your tired of scheduling people and social media, and whiners of a contest you did…for free…for your community. It’s ok if your sick of being copied and taken advantage of. It’s ok if your tired of people not acknowledging your accomplishments…it’s ok.

Me personally? Tomorrow we have one last big family dinner after church tomorrow…so that means that after three days of not wearing any makeup …I will put on some makeup and drive my car and interact with people all day….and on Monday…I will stay in my house….because….I’m about done.

I used to not be able to understand this about myself…as an extrovert I should always be “on”….but I have found as an extrovert that we all wear out quickly…can be awkward in social situations…and we all seem to feel this overwhelming need to make people laugh.

I tell you this, because I don’t want messages from people asking if I’m ok…because I really truly am…but I am weary…weary of so so much.

Unlike everyone else….my exit is loud….so I feel that I need to announce it…

I’m NOT done clowning….I’m NOT done soapmaking or homeschooling or teaching clowning or any of the hats that I’ve always worn….but for a few months this year…the attention will be on my health…and on my child.

I have put other children first before my own child….and my physical health is so far back on the burner…it will take me awhile to get it back up to speed…

I say this with great intention…January 1st…is my first time back at physical exercise.:.I had started back with healthier eating and healthier cleaning supplies and will continue that…and I believe that once I have they accomplished that these aching feelings will leave and I will be able to do all the things that I once did.

I ask for your patience…and thank you in advance.