I Have No Answers

Lately, I have become weary…so weary I can’t even make tears come.

I walked into my local Hobby Lobby today to get some art supplies for my daughter, who has an upcoming art show with our local art museum and the homeschool community. It was raining horribly…and I was sighing to myself because I had to get my bag, my umbrella, my mask…my hand sanitizer…all the things.🤦🏼‍♀️

I walked into the store…saying all the things to myself.

1. I need to be grateful I can go to this store.

2. I need to be thankful that I have money to buy supplies with.

3. I am so happy to find the supplies we need…

Honestly, I wasn’t feeling it..

I wear a mask every day due to my customers wear one, then we wear one…and honestly, I do not mind…but today…I felt it with every fiber of my being.

I noticed a couple of things that made me soo sad that I almost had to pull my cart over and have a little cry right next to the art supplies…but I didn’t want to remove my mask to blow my nose and be the lady thrown out of the store.

Everyone was socially distancing but it made me feel like I literally had the plague..everyone was scared to even look at each other…and I just frankly…just had enough.

I’m not here to debate masks…I have my own personal opinion…but I wear them because I do not want to make people feel unsafe.

I will tell you that right now…my soul is sad, as many of you feel it to. I’m passed annoyance, past anger…past disappointments.

My temper is short…I have no more patience for my staff, my children…or people in general. I find myself getting road rage in the grocery store. I find myself reacting in a negative manner to the man in Walmart wearing a full on cat mask…not even kidding…my daughter and I both let out a scared yelp as he quickly turned around. I long for conversation with women, but find myself having irrational thought and trust issues. I don’t want to go anywhere….yet I want to travel 😳. I want to go to TJ Maxx and browse aisles…but yet…I don’t need a thing. I want to clown more than anything…but grow weary waiting.

Right now, I feel that if we are able to go to something that is NOT cancelled it’s a small miracle! Rest assured that my dental appointment seems to be right on schedule as well as my upcoming mammogram 😬😬.

My trips have been cancelled, parties and outreaches and more things than I care to recall have been written off the books this year…this year can’t get over fast enough.

I’ve written blog posts on positive changes that covid has given our family…but right now…I feel that many of us…are just beyond tired.

We’ve given our kids disappointments right after the other…we have played more games, gone camping, swimming and watched way more tv than we ever have.

We’ve gotten creative with work and school and dealt with every single possible cancellation with as much dignity as possible…even if your a family that Homeschool’s like we do…you know that not even this is homeschooling. We’ve set things up for music teachers to come to us via Face Time teaching our children violin.

We’ve given up our favorite hobbies in hopes that someday we will return better than ever…but inside…many of us just can’t explain it.

I know I sure can’t. My husband keeps asking me what’s wrong…and I for the life of me can’t pinpoint it…I just feel the weight of the world and the sadness and hatred on my shoulders.

I feel hopeless and I don’t know how to pull myself out of it…I know many feel the same…but I don’t know how to get out of it.

So, for now….I choose each day and what I have to look forward in it.

I immerse myself in what I’m doing and find the simplest joys I can in the small things…Baking bread, making soap, finishing paint projects.

I take opportunities and Bring them to new levels of fun since we have been forced out of for too many months…

Everyone keeps saying keep going…don’t give up….

Hang on to the last bit of joy…and then go create your own….and spread that joy however you can…

Someday, we will look back on this as just a bump in the road….not the huge mountain we will never get over….but we will…keep on trucking…and remember…laughter…is normally…the best medicine.