What About Me?

Anyone else fixate on something because they just know it is true…to find out that they are completely and totally wrong?

It makes me soo mad that I fall in this trap over and over again! It just never ever fails! I was just soo sure I was right…that I was being perceived in a certain way, that I in no way was being perceived! I fretted about it all day long!

What is it about me that makes me think that every single good thing should be withheld from me? Why do I think I don’t deserve good things? Why am I always in fear that anything good given to me will be taken away?

My background always comes out…my childhood always sneaks up behind me…and I am far from being a child.🥴.

Teachers told me growing up that I wasn’t worthy. That I wasn’t smart…that I would never accomplish anything…that I would never succeed…and I still buy their lies all these years later.

God doesn’t make junk…He doesn’t make mistakes…but I always think that applies to everyone else but myself. I can’t possibly do such and such as well because I’m not as talented…or as skinny…or as tall…or as gifted.

Social media has made this even harder…where we judge our squares. Some women deal with this by lashing out at others because they feel inferior. Others internalize it…and I believe that most of us now are more unhappy than we ever were.

I am who I am.

Today, My day went like this….

Went to the local grocery store to get my Dad balloons and lemon pie and a big cookie that my daughter promptly dropped 🥴 thank heavens for plastic containers. However, my Dad was pleased…

My daughter suggested a Beta Fish which went over well….and we of course brought him his favorite…lemon pie!

Then, the conversation turned to him deciding on burial plots…and I calmly went through the process and how we should proceed…and inside I’m screaming “don’t cry….don’t cry.”

Even though today was my day “off” I answered 20 texts (not exaggerating) and several phone calls…conquered the gym…and cleaned my disaster of a house.

The rain coming down….my heart ♥️ in a million pieces….and that’s when the doubt comes in.

The fear that I don’t have what it takes…that I won’t ever be enough….and I sat there in that doubt all day. Convinced myself of how the world sees me…and would not listen to anything that made logical sense.

God has given you the tools to be what He wants you to be. No matter if you don’t hear good job, or way to go…or anything positive….just know…that you are enough.

When I get on that rowing machine and I see perfectly fit people…and then there’s me…I want to quit. When I see people more talented (like my husband) in all the things he does…I want to stop trying. I just want to withdraw from everyone….and just be….alone. That’s the most dangerous place that I can be…is alone…with my thoughts.

Every time I realize I’m wrong I get frustrated with the fact that I was even here in the first place. EVERY SINGLE TIME

God is a good God…who wants me to have good things and good friends.

I hope that someday I can accept the good things that come my way and not think there are strings attached or that I’m not worthy of anything good…