In 2002, I was the one lady in the room nobody wanted to be. I was the one with the husband in the casket and the girlfriends eager to show me that he loved them more than me.
I’ve been the one in the room that people have envied…when there was nothing to be envious of. I’ve been the one pointed and gossiped about….but I’ve also been the one that did the pointing at others.
It’s easy to start feeling self righteous about where we are in life…and then…we get a shock and we realize that we are not as amazing as we might think we are.
If you are over the age of 25, you probably have regrets. Regrets at how you handled something. How you lost a friendship over something stupid…how your not speaking to a relative but no one remembers why not. Or how you’ve said things in the past to someone that can’t be taken back…and everyone just has to leave with the damage that was done.
No one likes to sit in the knowledge of being the one that did the hurting. After acknowledging your wrong doing and apologizing and trying to make amends…what then?
If you are like me I’m really good at feeling unworthy pretty quickly. I have a fast temper and make quick decisions…and it doesn’t always end well.
What do you do when you know you have done wrong…how do you pick yourself back up and go again?
I think it’s important to realize that when God says He forgives you…He really does…He doesn’t bring it up over and over again to hurt you. He doesn’t want you to feel that you are worthless…a mistake or a reason that everyone would be better off without you. Everyone has has those thoughts…and they are NOT from God.
How many good deeds do I have to do to make up for bad deeds that were done? Someday when I die will everyone remember the bad things I did? How much can I do in this lifetime to make up for the bad that I did? I often sit and try to measure this…and I just can’t.
I haven’t clowned really since February 2019…and it doesn’t look like that’s gonna change any time soon. So, where would I possibly go and what would I do to “pay for my sins.”
God doesn’t work like that…He doesn’t have this scale to measure my good deeds against my bad…and I promise you….it wouldn’t matter anyway…because I would never do enough good.
Telling people your in pain. Fake smile it till you make it. Sing your songs, say your prayers boldly…and reply that everything is totally fine.
This is when Satan works his magic…when I’m tired and worn down and defeated…he tells me to just give up . Just close the door and let the pain wash all over me. Just retreat into silence…quit everything you are involved in because you simply aren’t worth it. There is someone who can do better than you.
It is not easy to admit wrong…to admit you are in need of needing forgiveness…In need of restoration. It’s not easy to admit you need help…lay it all out on the line…tell your friends your trials and your burdens. If you can’t tell them…then find new friends. There is nothing better in this world then a confidant in a friend.
Life is hard and the race can be long. Sometimes the self talk is hard to do. Sometimes you doubt yourself …sometimes the burden is too heavy…and the mountain too steep. That is when good friends matter. When they can stop and help you carry the load. When they encourage you to keep going…when they tell you that you are enough. No one can do the job that you are called to do but you.
I wish I had more time to do all the things I want to do…to perfect the skills I want to do…but for now. I’m grateful for friends that encourage me…and help carry my heavy burdens that have weighed me down for so long.
The Reluctant Red Nose 