Today as I was working on things from the couch….feeling sorry for myself really…and sick of feeling achy I started taking a look back at clowning.
I started clowning 18 years ago….with a newborn and three kids I had to take time off but I did it when I could. I was able to make a lot of new friends….
I even was able to be nominated as the 20 who Count in our little neck of the woods.
I have clowned for school carnivals, events, fund raisers, VBS, nursing homes….you name it….
I have taught many classes on clowning and even conducted our own graduations.
I am just not ready to be done…..
I think that’s why I’m frustrated….my body simply will not do what I need it to do…and I don’t know how to navigate it. I don’t know what it looks like…I don’t know how to make it happen. I don’t know how to ask for help or of no need help…I don’t know when I should push myself or if I should stop and rethink it….
I just honestly was not prepared and right now I feel that I am kind of in a free fall. I am unable to figure out the correct path for me to go….
It is causing great angst….
One way or the other I will figure it out. It doesn’t have to be today that I figure it out….I will just have to rethink how things are done and kept on moving.
My fight is different than most….as I walked down by the chemo room and turned right to go to Therapy….I realized….just because that wasn’t my fight doesn’t mean my fight isn’t hard…it just means it is different….
None of it is easy….fight on!
The Reluctant Red Nose 