I think that is a title I used to want to give myself…and probably still would want to. I know all the right things to say…and how I should feel…and let me tell you, I have no intention of saying any of those things.
This blog was meant to be real…(somewhat) and that means somedays just being very real and vulnerable.
When I found out I had cancer I was only partially surprised….with two of my sisters having it I knew my time was soon but honestly I felt I had about seven more years before I would need to worry about it.
When I found out my diagnosis I tried very hard to remain calm and courageous….but I was terrified. I had a surgeon who was confusing even though talented….but did not prepare us for the road ahead. In order to not scare me he downplayed everything….which made me feel like it was no big deal from the beginning….but it was….it was way more than he prepared me for. I sat with his nurse for awhile because I was so confused on my diagnosis ….I felt like a fraud from the beginning….until his nurse said “Jamie, you have cancer, it is not invasive but if we don’t take care of it right away it will be. “ I just felt that from the beginning it was downplayed and I just wanted to know where I stood.
My Radiation oncologist told me my cancer was at a 98 percent will not return rate! She told me I could do this! She hugged me when I was done! She told me to take Benadryl for the itching and to slather on the hydrocortisone. She made me fight hard and get through it.
My hormone therapy oncologist is much like my surgeon….(he is not my favorite) he likes to downplay ….everything….so this is why my brain does what my brain does….
I’m just not sure who I am supposed to believe….i agree we should not panic….but is there a place in the in between where we can say…this is hard and I am proud of you for doing it! Go you! Is that out of the mix? I’m not saying I need them to say it everyday or every visit….but just once….just once can we agree that no matter the stage of cancer….it just sucks?
Looking back….I feel that it is my nature to downplay things…not allow myself to enjoy what I have overcome or feel a sense of accomplishment.
I recently got a tattoo symbolizing the old me and the beauty of the new me…and the beauty of strength with overcoming something so very difficult.
I like to say things like well….I didn’t have chemo so it’s not as big of a deal….I didn’t have a double mastectomy so somehow it does not count?
It’s like the same thing I did when my first husband died…
Since we were separated I guess people thought it wouldn’t hurt as much? Like raising my son by myself wouldn’t be as hard since we were separated?
I realized….that is just what I do. I listen to people who don’t know me or care about me and act like that’s just the general consensus.
Having a lumpectomy was not an easy road….dealing with vertigo during radiation was not fun. Having severe burn during radiation was freakin hard….being tired from all of it was a lot. Knowing that life still required me to keep going and moving and not rest properly (not well done) then dealing with lymphedema (still doing that) and then having to get used to the drug tamoxifen all while running a business and raising a kid…and having a husband and navigating life. I actually played keyboard at my church while dealing with vertigo…..seriously.
Those are hard things….and they should be celebrated….
Turning 50….kicking cancers ass….these are things that as my pink sisters would say….make me a badass…..which I whisper to myself a lot lately. Having my other friends rooting for me…but somehow those that know what it’s like to hear e the cancer diagnosis makes me perhaps believe it….like…if they said it…it must be true!
Cancer sucks….we all agree with this….different levels don’t require bigger medals…..
And it’s ok to just not be ok.
There is no competition for cancer….we all just want to win.
I will start trying to give myself some credit instead of constant self doubt
The Reluctant Red Nose 