This time last year I was going through radiation treatments every day….and while I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone I am proud of who I have become because of it. My husband told me I was a tough cookie…and I feel empowered by those words.
Cancer is a crap word that no one ever wants to hear…it comes in quietly and it leaves loudly and with great destruction. It doesn’t care that you were going to go to Greece. It doesn’t care that you had any plans at all…it just comes…with a terrifying swiftness…and it leaves with scars and pain and treatments and aches from medicines that you have to take for years…but all is not lost….it is just different.
Cancer decided to take my love for clowning away for awhile….I am trying to get it back…and I fear the old way of doing things is gone forever….and a new character will be emerging soon…
I believe her white face will be gone….her full character will be changed…..because that no longer feels right.
I believe as we grow older things we always did change. Most of us long for simple days…designer purses and perfect nails and hair and the latest skincare don’t matter as much. We begin purging our houses of excess. Things we do not use get tossed…the need for less becomes very real.
I find more joy in going to garden centers and thrift stores than I do for TJ Maxx. I have been to Hobby Lobby only once this year so far and that was strictly for my store.
I’m content to embroider and garden and make bread and soap….
Clowning was always my way to cope with life…but now I feel very conflicted….the old character no longer works….it feels like someone else. I go to Clown camp in August….I hope to get a fresh start and go to new heights with this new character.
This year as I put aside playing keyboard…..I have learned that quiet is not always bad….sometimes we need that in order to heal….
Just because you’ve done things a certain way….doesn’t mean you can’t change.
The Reluctant Red Nose 