We laid our Mother to rest yesterday. The tears flowed as we watched videos of our parents and that the legacy is gone. The man with all the answers tried to prepare us for this but we were unprepared for dementia.
Three years ago we had to take matters into our own hands…and I wish those things on no one.
Having your Dad cry as you leave is a pain unimaginable. Having your Mom call you around 18 times in one hour to go and get your Dad out of the nursing home was something that I can’t describe. My parents had never been apart and my Mother felt she could care for my Dad and she could not. He would be out wandering the streets…we are so grateful that God watched over him.
My Mother joined him at the nursing home and for awhile we thought we would be in smoother waters, but Dad declined. He didn’t eat much and got an infection and two days before my birthday, he went to heaven after lasting seven days. He went only after I promised him I would take care of Mom (and I hope he was pleased.)
We then decided moving Mom closer to me was best. My sisters health was failing (where Mom and dad were) and it was too much for her to take care of. So, I moved mom to a wonderful facility here…which she instantly called a hell hole. It was anything but a hell hole…it is the nicest place here in town. She had wonderful nurses who loved her but in the beginning it was rough.
I would be called to the home because she refused to take her meds at night or go to bed. She would yell at the nurses for beds made badly (I grew up with that so I fully understand the wrath) she hated bunchy sheets. I would also be called to the home because mom was trying to break a patient named Larry out of his room (she thought it was Dad) and apparently started quite a drama for the evening nurses.
Later we brought hospice in to come alongside the nurses and we used them for bathing and changing and sitting with her and she enjoyed the minister…they would give me several weekly reports…as well as the regular nurses.
I set up people to also visit and we just figured it out as we went along. Mom sometimes called me her sister…then would recognize me and called me by my name.
Towards the end she yelled constantly and me holding her hand would help for a little. Meds changed…more sleep…and then one day with no warning….
She decided that she was done….she wanted to be with Dad. She was tired of being in pain…and she just took off for heaven without a second thought.
So here I am trying to understand what happened, and how things can change so fast.
I’m also mad because I should have been able to have more time. I should have been able to enjoy more conversations…I should have been able to tell her things…but we were all deprived of so many things. I never got to tell her I had cancer. I never got to tell her about gardening and ask her questions that I had. Nothing who it canning…or fishing.
She would regularly ask me to go get my Dad and ask me where he was. Several times during my visit she would ask why she hasn’t seen him…
Sometimes I would drive from the facility numb
Now…..I wish I could hear their voices…. I wish I could hug them…I wish I could sit with them one last time.
I know they are in heaven….I know I will see them again…but that feels like eternity. It feels so lonely. I feel so very alone.
I hope I did a good job Dad of watching over Mother.
So we become empty nesters for the first time, o learn how to be without any parents.
I know that is selfish of me…but I miss them…
Until that one glorious day.
The Reluctant Red Nose 