Today I had an early meeting at our church where they wanted to get to know me and have me play keyboard to see if this is something that I would be interested in doing. I had debated it for awhile and the timing just never felt right…until now.
It was a lovely conversation and I enjoyed playing. One of the songs she chose was “the Goodness of God” that song was played on my mother’s video and it brought a smile and at the same time tears to my soul.
Sweet people have asked how I am doing all day today…:
I first went to my favorite place for a fall drink today and enjoyed my sweet pumpkin they put on top. That made me smile.
I then went to my booth to rearrange and add some things, found a cute picture with a clown on it for my office and possible fun thing to display for Halloween. that made me smile.
Went to hobby lobby and Jamie’s secret garden where I met amazing sales staff that were super sweet….and then I went home to clean. I haven’t had a chance to put my house back together since the funeral. Beautiful flowers that people sent all around my house are dying…and bedrooms just had to be put back together.
Then I had a hair appointment and I still did not cry but I got very close…::
Grief I have found, is like a heavy coat on a 93 degree day in August. I feel that I can take on the day with no issues….and then all the sudden that heaviness of that winter coat just weighs you down. Grief is an actual physical pain…you have to acknowledge it…you have to walk it…you have to feel it.
I make myself do hard hard things….like I went through her belongings and decided to leave them in the suitcases for now….and I can’t bring myself to go through her blankets yet….but I did go to the graveside and was very grateful for the way they had placed the flowers on her grave.
Believe it or not this picture made me give myself a little hug at the graveside. I love the heart flowers where they put them…it was like my sister and I were saying our last goodbyes to our Mom. I couldn’t help but smile.
I drove away from the graveside ready to go to the nursing home to check on Mom….fully then realizing that I no longer needed to go there. Life….boy, have you changed.
I struggle to hear their voices in my head…my mother’s voice changed last year…I don’t understand why but I’m sure it has to do with lung capacity. I struggle to remember their hugs…
My garden I have neglected…what gave me great joy…just now reminds me of my Mother and I am overwhelmed by weeds and tomatoes that need to be picked but I am excited about the cantaloupe that I’m growing! Truly!
My booth has been a wonderful distraction…and for that I’m grateful
I received this necklace yesterday, it’s a picture of my Mother and I and has her fingerprint. I wear it everyday.
Until that one glorious day.
The Reluctant Red Nose 