Author: jme71te

I sat in church last Sunday….and the beauty of my church finally hit me.

It has taken over a year to say “my church.” Since I have lived here for twenty two years we are at our third church. We made wonderful relationships at each church that we still have many of those to this day. Leaving churches is hard….and it always will be. Listening to God speak to you and give clear direction is much harder than you can imagine….especially since we were so attached to so many people.

Sometimes God wants us to do uncomfortable things….and so that is what we have done.

I am determined this year to do the candlelight service on Christmas Eve….and I know I will be exhausted, but I feel this year more than ever…I need to embrace the true beautiful meaning of Christmas.

I am so grateful for my family and my friends and our community…..and even though life is hard right now….there is beauty in all of it.

Why do we have to go through the hard things? Why do we have to fix the people who once fixed us…who taught us how to walk and eat and use a potty….and now we see them struggle…and watch them die….and still know how much they loved us. Telling my Dad he could go to as the hardest thing….and knowing he didn’t want to….and knowing he waited until I left the room to go….even in death he was protecting me.

Dad loves Christmas….and cordial cherries and blue Christmas lights…..

Blue lights are hung…..don’t think I can look at the cordial cherries without crying…maybe someday.

For now….love on those around you. Make the moments special….embrace the simple pleasures. Slow down…and let this season envelope you in its true meaning. This earth is not our home….and I am so glad….

So this year….decorate….or not….bake….or don’t ….go nuts with gifts or not….

But whatever it is you decide….know that sometimes different is ok as well.

I wasn’t prepared for the tears that fell as I read the acceptance letter of my daughters dream college and the very generous scholarship they offered her. I drove in silence as I realized the rest of the world sees her talent as I do….she is soo good.

She didn’t get a free ride so there are some other financial aid avenues to continue down…but it actually feels like her dream may actually be a reality….

For those of you who have never had your kid get a college diploma from their dream school, I can only tell you it feels so much better than you can ever imagine.

When my son walked across the stage at the University of Missouri I cannot tell you how proud I was…how I had goosebumps.

When my Ellie read that acceptance letter….it felt like that.

She is determined….works tirelessly….has passion about what she does….and it paid off….

My heart right now feels a million different ways. It is my first Christmas without my dad. My mother’s health is failing..::and my last child is off to college soon…..and I feel like the days go faster than they should….and I can’t seem to say all the things to all the people I want to say….I keep failing….

The next ten days are non stop…..and then we can take a nice long break…..

I am trying to soak up these amazing moments….because soon they will only be a distant memory!

Even if your season is hard…..be thankful for what you do have…:the ones we have lost….with great love comes great grief…I am grateful for my Dad and his love.

Not sure what lovely fresh hell people like to bring to retail workers but I have to say….some people are unhinged.

I will be the first to tell you that w shave amazing customers…never yelling….never any tears…a few rude people but very few and far between….but lately…..it’s like I’m on a different planet.

It isn’t just at my store. People are enraged by small things. Lights that turn red, forcing you to possibly stop…and then watch three people in front of you run straight through.

Honking horns because they don’t believe the speed limit is something citizens should follow….so honking and hand gestures tell me how they feel…and in case I’m confused in the slightest the finger signal removes all doubt.

At a local TJ Maxx I witnessed a lady enraged that there was only one register open to wait on three people. She made it clear she was more important than the rest of us and she should not have to wait behind the rest of the peasants.

I have people say rude things to me….thinking I don’t own the store my husband and I own. They point to him call him the owner and dismiss me. Why would you ever say that to someone? I find the biggest offenders are women. I know everyone says women stand with women…I have found that to be a lie. Most of the negative things that I have heard about how I manage the store are from women….want to see how good you are? How many women have you ticked off? That’s normally how well you know you’re doing your job.

So what is the answer on the cesspool of negativity and rudeness followed by a sense of entitlement that I have never witnessed…

Remember the customers who hold your hand and say thank you as you just remade rings for their granddaughters as they’ve been told they have stage four cancer.

Remember the couples who celebrate their first baby and their first anniversary. The couple that comes in to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. The customers that come in year after year for every special occasion and they send everyone they know to see you.

Concentrate on your faithful crowd. Concentrate on your cheerleaders….stay on the path. Don’t be distracted by the loudest customers….concentrate on the ones that you bring them amazing pieces to celebrate their seasons that life takes us through.

I told everyone I was going to go light on Christmas….and to my delight I did get rid of A LOT of Christmas stuff.

I have been dreaming for a couple of years to do Christmas Tree hair for our work party….and my staff did NOT disappoint.

I gave out puzzles and we played bingo…we had a great dinner by a local caterer.

It was a great night to just laugh.

The next day my husband woke up sick…..but I went to work and we got the Grinch happy meals. Haven’t eaten mcds in for sure two years….

After work I went by my Dads grave and I added some Christmas trees with solar lights….i thought they looked festive and he’s the only one with Christmas lights….because that’s how we roll.

Life gets harder……and things seem overwhelming at times….I am grateful for the gift of eternal life. That is what I will concentrate on this Christmas….I will see my Dad again.

My daughter graduates this year from highschool….and my little built in friend will be away at school….and I am undone.

When her brother went away….I still had her at home….

I do not know how it went so fast…..and I know you are ready to take on the world. Please know I will be forever….your number one fan. I love you always and forever.

We went into Christmas wanting to do things a little differently. Since I got rid of quite a lot of decor we had decided to get a real tree….this will make me sound ancient…..however, when I was younger, trees were like $34….and apparently…..while I was sleeping apparently….they are now $180??? What????

So, we went down to our local Walmart and found a lovely tree that lights up and my dogs don’t drink the water. On our way to pick it out we passed the Christmas candy and my husband pointed to cordial cherries…..and right there….I started to tear up. I always buy my Dad cordial cherries and always have since I was a very little girl. It was our thing….and now…it isn’t.

Somedays grief hits you so hard it feels the wind knocks you over….but you have to get back up….

I went to see my Mom and eat Thanksgiving dinner and she had to be reminded who I was…that was a first….she has always known me..and she kept telling me thanks for coming to her birthday…

Life is heavy….but life can be beautiful. I find comfort in what a blessed childhood I had….I find rest in knowing I will be with both of them again…and they will know my name.

Somedays when I am very sad and discouraged…..the songs from my Dads funeral will play….and an ice cream truck will be in front of me…and I smile….because I do believe in angels watching over us…and I have a few watching over me…..

So this year my decor looks a little different….but my heart is a little heavier than it once was.

Saturday I had to work and also decorate my store for Christmas. Right now I am doing all the prep work for the colonoscopy I am to have tomorrow…and it is as dreadful as everyone has ever said…but the good news is I will feel thinner at least….got my cleanse in.

What does it entail to decorate my store you ask?

Well, take fall downs and take to storage unit….get christmas things out including a tree bigger than me. How did I get it in the truck? I still have no idea. Then I had to get the nutcrackers in the truck as well….I couldn’t have any of the girls help me because they were busy with work.

It took me the entire day. I started at 10 and finished around 3:30….sold two rings in the process and had customers pick up jobs. The store was a mess and we apologized but most people were excited….said they were going to be doing the exact same thing soon…..

Then…..Grumpy Gladys came in….complaining that I am decorating before Thanksgiving. Thankfully my staff is better at handling this than me. They said this is the only time we have to do it.

Because our store is already selling Christmas gifts….I am not going to spend my Thanksgiving decorating my store and when should I do that? Black Friday? Small Business Saturday? Exactly when do you think it would be a good time to decorate Grumpy Gladys? Clearly, you have never owned a retail store!!!

It takes zero dollars to just let people decorate when they want….seriously….

Meanwhile…..here is the inside of my store:

So whenever you choose to decorate…..whatever brings you joy!

This past Saturday we went away on a little three day trip….as usual….there were bumps along the way….

On our way down, huge rainstorm which of course caused power outage in town…so no eating out as all the restaurants in town were closed due to power outage.

We could not complain because we had power at our beautiful cabin and we found a grocery store with sweet people and yummy and hot fried chicken…

The cabin we stayed at we haven’t been to for 22 years…we stayed there on our honeymoon.

We hiked, we went shopping, we ate good food and we relaxed….it was soo needed.

We stopped at Roaring River on our way home….

We have one more adventure before we settle down for the holidays.

Today, I had three doctor appointments. Gastrinologist, dermatologist to remove skin cancer….and last….

The Cancer center for my 3 month labs!

These people gave me joy when I was so scared….they will always get extra affection from me.

I have a colonoscopy November 10th and hopefully after that the nagging will stop!

Have a good night my friends!

So Tuesday, I spent over an hour going through my Christmas Decor….and this is what I donated to a very worthy place where these decorations will be used in a way that brings me great joy.

As I went through all the things I was a little brutal with myself and kept asking myself if this brought me joy…..and the truth is…it didn’t anymore.

These things represented a standard that I held myself to…no one else….just me.

The joy of decorating for Christmas to such an extent had left me stressed and overwhelmed. I had no energy for baking, going and seeing Christmas lights….nothing except work.

I would look around at all the decor and dread taking it all down….

Keep in mind I own a retail store that I decorate, we have promos, we have a Christmas party at my house where I put a lot of energy into….and I was beginning to hate Christmas.

Since I was 30 I have entertained my husbands family and my own for each and every holiday….and when I worked from home that was attainable….when I homeschooled two children that was something that I could do….still a lot….but absolutely a possibility.

As I approach my early 50s I had a talk with my daughter. She has always loved how I decorate….but Christmas wears her….she wants a real tree….she wants paper stars….she wants homemade caramel and Christmas colored lights outside…..

This is her last Christmas before she goes away….and the sorrow that fills my heart that I’ve been consumed with how my home looks rather than asking her how she feels about it….brings me great sadness.

My children hated carrying up the 30 plus containers of decor….and I always thought the magic I created made it worth it….and while others enjoyed it….my children did not. The “magic” that I created just represented to them a lot of work….and a stressed out Mom who wanted nothing but perfection.

So this Christmas I listened…..

And I donated this…..

And when I decorate….I will probably go through even more…..

I donated over half…..

I am starting to learn to turn off the noise of constant things we must have to be good mothers….to be fashionable and to be “current trends.”

I have unplugged some social media, turned to thrifting and reading and gardening and embroidery….and audible in the car.

The stress is leaving…..quiet content is following me…

My dahlias are thriving

My creative juices are flowing once again….

Projects around the house are being completed….clutter is leaving….

I find amazing things at the thrift store that absolutely no one else has….

I wish I would have learned how to do this better in my 30s…..I wish I would not have cared about what others felt or said to me

Why did I feel that I needed so much praise and needed everyone to be in awe when they walked through my door?

Now….they feel “cozy” when they walk in….they are comfortable…..they even say it….they love how my home makes them feel….

I have made constant changes to make my home be comfortable for guests…..because isn’t that what it is all about?

Giving the best to those who enter your home….not those who just watch your life through a small screen.