Author: jme71te

Some weeks are just plain exhausting. Some weeks you almost wonder if anything at all will go right. Last week, was just that kind of week.

My husband burnt his hand, my child got bit by a dog. We had a child throwing up one night, another child lost out on an opportunity at his university. The weather was crappy, employees were sick…and the list kept going on and on.

We are in a trial. A trial that has many players…many subjects. We constantly seem to be swerving…we are on pins and needles, wondering what each day will bring. The mountain seems unforgiving. It seems to mock us….but at this point I’m like how I am at mile 2 of my 3 mile journey on the rowing machine…and I’m NOT about to give in.

There are days I want to…days I want to get in the car…and drive…

Every day though….God shows up….every single day He throws me amazing blessings…things I never would have imagined. He actually amazes me daily.

Every night I go home and worry…and every day…He makes my jaw drop.

He shows off with my lilacs blooming…

He shows up with yellow doors on houses…a dog being walked by its owner. A baby being carried on the shoulders of its mother. Our park being overrun with kids playing laser tag. People playing baseball…the sound of children singing. The simple pleasures of life…that we all so easily forget.

I don’t want to forget this trial…I don’t want to forget how I reached out each day and felt secure that the God of the universe would take care of me. I don’t want to forget how I struggled to trust…but He always came through. I don’t want to stop remembering the miracles He performed almost daily….

We play this in church on Sunday….not sure I will make it through….

Miracles

“The one who made the blind to see. Is moving here in front of me.

The one who made the deaf to hear…is silencing my every fear.

I believe in you, I believe in you…the God of miracles.

The one who does impossible.

Is reaching out to make me whole. The one who put death in his place. His life is flowing through my veins.

The God who was and is to come. The power of the risen One. The God who brings the dead to life…is the God of miracles…

In 2002, I was the one lady in the room nobody wanted to be. I was the one with the husband in the casket and the girlfriends eager to show me that he loved them more than me.

I’ve been the one in the room that people have envied…when there was nothing to be envious of. I’ve been the one pointed and gossiped about….but I’ve also been the one that did the pointing at others.

It’s easy to start feeling self righteous about where we are in life…and then…we get a shock and we realize that we are not as amazing as we might think we are.

If you are over the age of 25, you probably have regrets. Regrets at how you handled something. How you lost a friendship over something stupid…how your not speaking to a relative but no one remembers why not. Or how you’ve said things in the past to someone that can’t be taken back…and everyone just has to leave with the damage that was done.

No one likes to sit in the knowledge of being the one that did the hurting. After acknowledging your wrong doing and apologizing and trying to make amends…what then?

If you are like me I’m really good at feeling unworthy pretty quickly. I have a fast temper and make quick decisions…and it doesn’t always end well.

What do you do when you know you have done wrong…how do you pick yourself back up and go again?

I think it’s important to realize that when God says He forgives you…He really does…He doesn’t bring it up over and over again to hurt you. He doesn’t want you to feel that you are worthless…a mistake or a reason that everyone would be better off without you. Everyone has has those thoughts…and they are NOT from God.

How many good deeds do I have to do to make up for bad deeds that were done? Someday when I die will everyone remember the bad things I did? How much can I do in this lifetime to make up for the bad that I did? I often sit and try to measure this…and I just can’t.

I haven’t clowned really since February 2019…and it doesn’t look like that’s gonna change any time soon. So, where would I possibly go and what would I do to “pay for my sins.”

God doesn’t work like that…He doesn’t have this scale to measure my good deeds against my bad…and I promise you….it wouldn’t matter anyway…because I would never do enough good.

Telling people your in pain. Fake smile it till you make it. Sing your songs, say your prayers boldly…and reply that everything is totally fine.

This is when Satan works his magic…when I’m tired and worn down and defeated…he tells me to just give up . Just close the door and let the pain wash all over me. Just retreat into silence…quit everything you are involved in because you simply aren’t worth it. There is someone who can do better than you.

It is not easy to admit wrong…to admit you are in need of needing forgiveness…In need of restoration. It’s not easy to admit you need help…lay it all out on the line…tell your friends your trials and your burdens. If you can’t tell them…then find new friends. There is nothing better in this world then a confidant in a friend.

Life is hard and the race can be long. Sometimes the self talk is hard to do. Sometimes you doubt yourself …sometimes the burden is too heavy…and the mountain too steep. That is when good friends matter. When they can stop and help you carry the load. When they encourage you to keep going…when they tell you that you are enough. No one can do the job that you are called to do but you.

I wish I had more time to do all the things I want to do…to perfect the skills I want to do…but for now. I’m grateful for friends that encourage me…and help carry my heavy burdens that have weighed me down for so long.

Anyone else fixate on something because they just know it is true…to find out that they are completely and totally wrong?

It makes me soo mad that I fall in this trap over and over again! It just never ever fails! I was just soo sure I was right…that I was being perceived in a certain way, that I in no way was being perceived! I fretted about it all day long!

What is it about me that makes me think that every single good thing should be withheld from me? Why do I think I don’t deserve good things? Why am I always in fear that anything good given to me will be taken away?

My background always comes out…my childhood always sneaks up behind me…and I am far from being a child.🥴.

Teachers told me growing up that I wasn’t worthy. That I wasn’t smart…that I would never accomplish anything…that I would never succeed…and I still buy their lies all these years later.

God doesn’t make junk…He doesn’t make mistakes…but I always think that applies to everyone else but myself. I can’t possibly do such and such as well because I’m not as talented…or as skinny…or as tall…or as gifted.

Social media has made this even harder…where we judge our squares. Some women deal with this by lashing out at others because they feel inferior. Others internalize it…and I believe that most of us now are more unhappy than we ever were.

I am who I am.

Today, My day went like this….

Went to the local grocery store to get my Dad balloons and lemon pie and a big cookie that my daughter promptly dropped 🥴 thank heavens for plastic containers. However, my Dad was pleased…

My daughter suggested a Beta Fish which went over well….and we of course brought him his favorite…lemon pie!

Then, the conversation turned to him deciding on burial plots…and I calmly went through the process and how we should proceed…and inside I’m screaming “don’t cry….don’t cry.”

Even though today was my day “off” I answered 20 texts (not exaggerating) and several phone calls…conquered the gym…and cleaned my disaster of a house.

The rain coming down….my heart ♥️ in a million pieces….and that’s when the doubt comes in.

The fear that I don’t have what it takes…that I won’t ever be enough….and I sat there in that doubt all day. Convinced myself of how the world sees me…and would not listen to anything that made logical sense.

God has given you the tools to be what He wants you to be. No matter if you don’t hear good job, or way to go…or anything positive….just know…that you are enough.

When I get on that rowing machine and I see perfectly fit people…and then there’s me…I want to quit. When I see people more talented (like my husband) in all the things he does…I want to stop trying. I just want to withdraw from everyone….and just be….alone. That’s the most dangerous place that I can be…is alone…with my thoughts.

Every time I realize I’m wrong I get frustrated with the fact that I was even here in the first place. EVERY SINGLE TIME

God is a good God…who wants me to have good things and good friends.

I hope that someday I can accept the good things that come my way and not think there are strings attached or that I’m not worthy of anything good…

I’m going to write some things about my childhood that should explain a few things…yep, I was always super weird…I’m very aware.

My parents, when I was five and my sister was 13. Decided that the country life was for us. My sister and I grew up in a typical suburb right in the heart of the Midwest. We were not poor, nor were we rich. Christmas was amazing…birthdays were my favorite and sugar filled anything was delight.

My parents decided to build this house so I grew up being able to color on my floors before the carpets were put down…and making creations out of extra cement.

I remember that our church and school were at least 45 minutes away and we spent a lot of time traveling in our car. Back in 1982 the cars were big. There were no seatbelt rules…and my favorite place to be was laying in the rear window of my moms huge Buick. I loved the wind blowing in my hair and I loved to sing…and I would sing a lot.

Today, as I did grown up things such as a doctors appointment I have put off for three years…blood work for even longer and denied myself my nectar of gold called coffee….I longed for the day, when I was just along for the ride.

I didn’t know about bills or hospitals. I wasn’t really familiar with death. I didn’t understand fights that never end. I was just happy to be in the day…experience the moment.

I so wish I would have enjoyed those days more…instead of being in such a hurry to grow up.

I wish the hardest thing I had to do tomorrow was pick out flowers for my planters….I wish someone was coming to make dinner. I long for someone to clean my house how I do it…not how they do it. I wish someone would pay all my bills. Worry every night for me….and carry all that grief.

Sadly, that’s not where I find myself today….hard grown up things to deal with and the hits just keep coming….

It’s not where I belong…this is not my final destination…this is not how my story ends…this will not be the end of me….just keep swimming!

This is not goodbye….just see ya later…..

For my Dads birthday this year….he has something to show me…and it’s time to embrace the beautiful art of letting go.

It’s been a while since I have been sick….like have to go to the doctor sick…..but here I am. So happy to be here with my snotty coughing self.

I’m on a strong antibiotic and I was prescribed a pill for my cough….but sadly I have to wait until tomorrow before that will be available.

For the last two weeks I have been at the doctors office with either my daughter or myself. Out of nowhere, our immunity crashed and burned. I haven’t worked out faithfully in over two weeks. Today, when I got on the scale I learned I now weigh even more….I realize I have lost inches and muscle weighs more than fat…but wow…my self worth took a nose dive.

It does not help that I am now on camera at my church while playing keyboard and I am a little more concerned than I used to be.

It seems that this is what always happens to me on my fitness journey. Anytime I actually start succeeding….something happen to stop that success.

Sometimes, I just want to throw in the towel and say I’m gonna be chubby and eat chocolate because that’s easier. That is a comfort…that will give me joy…but it never does. Just like the bad friend who constantly leads you to poor eye shadow choices and haircuts…those aren’t your true friends.

Every time I get on that rowing machine it’s a battle…every time I step on the machine of leg pain…I know my biggest enemy is me.

Those voices that say you are too old…too washed up…not pretty…just a mom…too chubby…short girls are always chubby…

The voices that tell you your first husband left you…you weren’t good enough for him…why should he stay? Almost 18 years is long enough!

That always leads to more destructive thought patterns that nothing I do is good enough. It doesn’t take long…and I am back to the scary places we haven’t been in years.

All because I got sidetracked….all because I let the hurdle I needed to jump paralyze me. I couldn’t possibly just jump…..

It is when we are alone and discouraged that deceptive thoughts creep in. It’s when we allow the lies to take over the truth.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made, by the ONE true Creator. He has things for me to accomplish that only I can accomplish…and the same goes for you.

Each day you are given is a day that you were given as a gift and you have much to give in return!

Don’t give up… don’t give in.

Last week, our friends in a group we belonged to explained what the group means to them. We all had different things to say…but one of the most common things that was said was how quickly and how much the group meant to each of us.

I am not sure if you are in the phase of life where you have written off people or not? I know that that is exactly where I was. I could NOT try one more time. I didn’t want to share…and I didn’t want to feel.

I didn’t want to feel pain, or happiness. I didn’t want to feel anything. When you have been let down again and again…you just eventually quit trying.

2019 was weird…not our best year. We had no one to really turn to. So we did what we do best…we threw ourselves into work. I threw myself into clowning and doing things for our community. I did more with hobbies and home decorating. We started on a new adventure with camping…and really…we were content. I wasn’t looking for this group of people.

My husband told me that some long-time church people and customers approached us that we knew about joining their group at church…and I immediately wanted to say no. However, due to who asked us I knew I had to at least go….because they are the nicest people on the planet.

We went….I braced myself for a horrible time. I put on my fake smile and away we went. We even walked to the house it was that close to our house.

That night I tried to pick it apart…but I really couldn’t. Every single person we met was genuinely kind. Still, I had my guard up…but then…the owner of the house we were visiting dog….decided to drink my husbands drink out of my husbands cup…and I lost it. It was hilarious. It was real..::and it’s my favorite story ever.

Since that time we have become closer with this group. We have been brave enough to continue friendships with others that have led to a full circle.

It has been amazing to see how God has changed and softened my heart for His people. I was so tired of meeting the people that claimed to know Him, but insisted on walking in a way that Jesus never would.

We were made to have friends….we were made to be better people by being encouraged and strengthened by good friends.

I now feel that I have people to share my burdens with. I have people to share joys with and personal struggles. Trials with my children and my parents as they go through difficult times.

Having friends has led to me getting more involved in church…I now have taken over a position that I never would have done in a million years…but I felt courageous enough to try.

I keep meeting new people that enjoy my clown ministry…and instead of giving up and putting my red nose away out of frustration it has encouraged me to keep going.

I have been around tons of people who lied to my face. Talked bad about me behind my back. Spread stories that were untrue. Took advantage of my giving spirit. Stole from me in the name of having a circumstance lower than mine. Gossiped about me and laughed and giggled…all while pretending to be godly and holy people. I have had them gossip about my children. Tell my children they aren’t good enough and cause damage that will take years to fix….

I have a Heavenly Father who understands this…who is perfect and blameless and still went through these trials.

I so quickly can become discouraged and get down on myself because of the past. It does not take me long to feel inadequate in all the things I do…keyboard or clowning…and especially my job.

There is nothing more important than friends…friends that teach you, encourage you, pray with you…cry with you and Check on you and love on your kids….

It has felt like eternity…and feels like it came out of nowhere…but I’m grateful for the unexpected friends…to help me through this life that can be so very difficult.

I pray your heart is full…and your friend list is long. 😘 try and find someone that is crazy about plants like you….ia step number one!!!

Pa

I was at my parents house yesterday….tonight is the first night I have felt even close to ready to share.

I am named after my father. I was the last of five girls and the last hope of boy….

I am fair like my mother but my hair is straight from my Dad. My temperament is from him and my sense of humor is from him. My work ethic was taught from him…and never let them see you sweat…all from him. I sadly, didn’t get his amazing ability to tan…I enjoy a good ol sunburn all summer long🥴. I’m addicted to coffee…and if I’m being honest I would be totally content to eat birthday cake and coffee every morning for breakfast….but alas…that is NOT what I do.

As many of you know, my Dad was recently diagnosed with severe dementia. Last week was very hard and this week seemed to be improving a little …until yesterday.

While I was checking on him he informed me that he didn’t think he would be around much longer. A statement that brought my youngest to uncontrollable tears…and a complete loss of words to me.

I know that this world is not my home…I know he knows where he is going. I know he’s not afraid.

I know he is ready to go…but I think that my children and I may need help as we learn to walk alone….

I’ve had three days off….and for three days it has rained. Tomorrow, I go back to work….and it will be gorgeous…and that’s how I’m feeling today…behind…and dragging and missing the sunshine no matter where I stand.

No one likes to be an Eyore, but sometimes it’s needed. After a glorious Easter Sunday…my sons car decided that this year…not next…it may or may not need a new transmission…no one knows. Because his car is fickle…and can’t decide if it really wants to die or not.

We decided to replace two store phones. They were so old that they were starting not to work well and when I say old…they were 7 plus. That’s super old. It’s been nothing but a nightmare…so far we are up to three hours on the phone with customer service and it still can not send a picture 🥴 awesome!

The list is a mile long….but I will spare you the boring details. This is when I start to flounder. I’m ok through the really big stuff…but all this little stuff…it just about does me in. Can no one do a good job anymore? Must I rely on no one but myself to make sure something is done and is done correctly? Is it too hard to do anything right now?

I am exhausted…almost fell asleep while driving my daughter to rollerskating with her homeschool friends. Can I also say that since we have all been quarantined we have the lowest immunity. My daughter has already had strep throat and we have just begun!

I am tired but I slept well and have slept well at night. I’ve even taken cat naps thinking that would make things better. I’ve stayed away from the news…I have been working out and staying busy…but I still can’t shake it…this deep sadness with how overwhelming life is.

This is when I start to retreat. I start withdrawing…because I can’t stand to be a “Debby Downer.” I want to be happy and laughing and cracking jokes. I have no intention of being vulnerable and crying in front of you. Perhaps I just need chocolate and a good Cadbury egg with a Netflix movie and no one bothers me for two hours. Is that even possible? I do not think it is!

When I feel this way…I need to go water my plants….go to the things where my people are and sit. I need to turn off the noise and turn on the praise music and know that God has even these little things. These pointless irritations. I have to sit with His people and listen. No matter how badly I don’t want to… no matter how much I just want a nap. Go where the people are! Go get a Venti or a large…or whatever you need…and put your big girl pants on and hop to it.

These days are weird…there is no doubt about it. Some days I feel that I’m making solid decisions…gaining on my goals…and then Easter comes. The trials of the Cadbury eggs and the Reese Peanut Butter cup…have mercy upon me!

I worked out in advance of the Cadbury eggs debacle….but alas…the flesh is weak. Today I felt like a short tubby woman who wears a T-shirt like Pooh. I was feeling all sorts of down on myself.

It seems that when we feel like a failure in one thing…it’s not long until all the failures come down on us at once.

So, since I started this blog years ago to be real…let me just continue.

This is Satans finest hour with me…the “not good enough hour.” I show up for it each and every time. I’m not good enough at clowning…not good enough at keyboard playing. I’m not pretty anymore…I’m old and washed up. All sorts of people make better soap than me. I’m not a very good wife and Mom and I’ve made tons of mistakes as a Mom and stepmom…and there I sit. I sit there with my shirt that fits like Pooh…feeling inadequate in all things. Oh I forgot, horrible homeschool Mom, horrible business owner:..horrible ukele player.

I then look at relationships, past hurts where I was treated me outright wrong…and those that did the deed…and once again…say to myself this is what I deserve.

There is truth to that…it is what I deserve…it’s what we all deserve.

The fact that I have to acknowledge, but in the end keep going back to…is even though this is what I believe…it is not what our Creator believes about me. He believes I’m amazing…and He loves me and cares for me more than I can even imagine.

Life is full of mistakes. My life is full of mistakes. I wish I could change it …but I have now grown old enough to realize that my biggest mistakes gave me my biggest blessings.

I will always fail…but God doesn’t. There are days that many of my accomplishments don’t feel like accomplishments…but I continue to try. I continue to push myself…and God continues to show up…and I’m always amazed at how He works through me.

When you feel that whisper…or screaming that you are NOT enough. Remember that the creator of the universe believes you are…so much so He took the time to create you…and only you can accomplish the task He has asked for you to do!

Today was the most gorgeous day. Everyone was out and about because the beauty of the day and being able to get out was too good to stay in.

My thirteen year old was able to overcome a swim stroke she’s been trying to get down for so long and today she did it! My college son is home for a few days and we enjoyed being together today!

Tonight….we went to my parents house. When we arrived my Dad was telling me that this wasn’t his house and he doesn’t remember ever moving here. As the night progressed he got out his purple bookmark that I have seen a million times in his Bible when I was little, and a small piece of paper with my moms name on it. He told me that he has that on there so he won’t forget her name.

He then went on to say he was married to my Mom and another lady who is also my Mom. As one of my friends pointed out…at least he’s cheating on my Mom with my Mom.

Humor is the only way to make it through dementia. I don’t know what else you can possibly do. Tonight my Dad had pie…forgot he ate the pie…and demanded another piece of pie. I gave it to him…because why not?

His advice to me this evening was that they live in their house where they live so that they can live there when someone wants to come there to give them something. We honestly just laughed and agreed…because this is where we are. You can no longer reason. You can’t really give advice. You can just agree and go on.

My goal is to make him comfortable….let him eat food he likes and enjoy that. Today, he knew me, he knew my son and daughter and my husband. He wanted my husband to fix his tie so that he could go to church tomorrow…and he can’t tie a tie anymore.

My mothers name is written on a slip of paper and put safely in his pocket along with the purple bookmark. I have no idea of the significance of that purple bookmark…that says Happy Fathers Day, but I made sure to help him put it back in his pocket. So that he won’t forget her name, because it’s written down.