Author: jme71te

Today, I got up and got my hair done…which always takes forever…not because my awesome hair lady is slow…but because my hair…is always difficult…and apparently I’m five and impatient…and can’t wait for it to be done…I just hate sitting still.

I then went home…and promptly put on about five pounds of deodorant. I then went to our local newspaper where my picture was taken and then I had a video interview on my clowning for the last twelve years.

I was nominated by a friend of mine (I had no idea she did it) and was quite blown away….

I look forward to seeing what the young reporter puts together. He’s a graduate from a prominent university…about two years older I would guess from my son…as I sat there telling him about how it all started…I actually started tearing up…because it has been such an absolute pleasure to serve the beautiful people of my community…and I could never tell you in a single interview of how all these people have changed me. I hope that the questions he asked and the answers I gave showed all the things I wanted to say…but there is so much more to say…

We all have a job to do…not just the job that earns money to pay our bills…but a job to our fellow man. It may be packing sandwiches for “feed the kids.” It may be ringing the bells for Salvation Army. It may be making cookies and taking them to your neighbor. It may be visiting those from your church in the hospital, or coaching basketball for the youth. Whatever the job…we were all made to do something amazing. Something that no one else, has quite the talent that we have to make that job complete.

If your looking for the most talented clown…I’m probably not it. If your looking for the one that can juggle the best, or make the most amazing balloons…again…probably not it…but I will make you laugh…and I will keep learning new things to continue to be able to do that.

As for me…as for this recognition….I am humbled, grateful..in awe of it…and so appreciate the love of a friend.

I will not say that this year has been a good one…it has been a very trying year…but some amazing things have happened as well…

If your local and you happen to catch the story…know that I’m not as amazing as they make me sound…and if you read it in the paper…also know that I’m again…just a clown…trying my best to help a little bit of the hurt…in our very big hurting world. I am privileged to have a view behind my big red nose.

The last couple of outings that I have been on, I’ve had a chance to see some of my friends I don’t get to spend too much time with anymore…simply because we are all going in so many directions. The main complaint I keep hearing…is we are all soo weary.

Raising children is hard. Working from home or part time outside the home, or full time is hard. We make sacrifices no matter which way we choose.

The look on everyone’s face lately…is exhaustion. We long to connect with one another…to hug one another…to sit down to coffee…to chat about our annoyances…and know that those annoyances will go no where else…except for the ones that you personally told.

This year, I changed some things that would give me more peace…and it has been a balm to my weary soul…especially since we have experienced more this year than we wanted to.

However, this year has brought some amazing things…but it has taught me that you can’t buy peace…peace comes from laying down your burdens, your hurts, and becoming somewhat exposed. Saying to others that this is who you are…and if you don’t like it…well, I don’t know what to say.

Do you not find it refreshing when you meet someone who is genuinely real? Who even though they may dress nice, have nice jewelry…that they can make funny jokes…and be completely down to earth? I know those are MY personal favorite people.

I have met and talked to many people from all walks of life…and even though we all drive different cars and sleep in different luxurious beds…we all bleed the same, we all put our clothes on the same…we all hurt the same.

What holds all of us back? Fear…fear that our confidences will be shattered (because many have experienced that). Fear that someone will spread rumors about us, that it will hurt our kids…our business…our futures. We smile at one another…while others get behind their electronic screens and send hateful remarks…to those we are jealous of. We spread lies about one another…we laugh at each other’s misfortune. We snicker at another child’s failure…we have become downright hateful. We raise our daughters to be the same….walk around with an airing superiority, all the while…attending church whenever the doors are open…speaking of Christs love…but rarely really showing it.

We reach out to another and when rejected, declare that we are done…and write every female off that comes near us…because being alone and sad is better than being rejected…but we don’t look to see the explanation…we just assume…I’m guilty of this as well.

I can give you a list of all the mean things that have been said to me that I remember and the list would be very long…and I’m sure that there are many who would say the same of me….but that’s just it…in spite of my “ugliness” I have a God that loves me, that forgives me…and I believe that I have hurt a whole lot more than anyone else.

I want to show love and speak peace. I want to be practical in this…by writing notes each week to those who God lays on my heart…Instead of retreating back to the comfort and confines of my home….I feel the need to step out again…to be seen and be laughed at…to be who I was meant to be…funny, witty, and a peacemaker.

It’s so easy to see the bad in life…to get carried away by negativity…to focus on the hurt and pain that others have caused…but there is no peace in that…no peace for me lives there…so I have to change the ugly…forgive the hurt and insulting things and big lies…and be the peace and joy that He has asked me to be!

I saw you today at the grocery story…your daughter waved at mine…they knew each other. Before they waved, I saw you size me up…your disdainful look at me…I had on yoga pants and a “Mizzou Mom” shirt on…and yes it’s my fav.

What you didn’t know, is that I had just come from clowning for a local charity…and with no makeup on I wasn’t really that excited about going to the grocery store…but tomorrow is Fathers Day…and well…I had to get some things to celebrate.

I wanted to judge your disdainful look at me…but then I realized I do the same…in just about every aspect of my life.

When I was a single Mom, getting no assistance from my husband…I once decided to treat myself to a tanning session…I was met with displays of “oh that must be nice!” I never got my hair done, or my nails…hadn’t bought new clothes in two years…but that’s what people saw…there I was…tanning.

We all assume…assume so many things and we are so wrong.

People meet me and assume that I’ve never been through anything difficult in my life…but in fairness…how would you know?

Unless you grew up with me you don’t know about my teen years. I was a poor student, but played piano competitively. Cheered for one year…and then…they decided they were done with me. Went to a private college met my best friend, got married and had a beautiful baby boy…and that’s where I get off the train….

No need to bring everyone down the sad sad track of my life.

I remarried and four years later had my second child….and well, life just hasn’t been easy for us…and it really isn’t for anyone.

I’ve walked into the grocery store or a restaurant on a Sunday…in my nice jeans and sweater…fresh from church…but met with eyes of disdain for those who see my attire as not good enough.

There will always be people who think I should give more, or drive a better car. Volunteer more or teach my daughter better manners. In the dance community, I overheard a little girl asking her Mom why my daughters hair was so messy (my daughter was 5…had naturally thick and curly hair) and just didn’t care what happened to her hair while she danced…and with her being my fourth child…I just wasn’t going to stress about it, since we were going straight home to a bath.

Here’s the truth: I’ve always walked to the beat of my own drum…it just was called rebellious😬😬😬. If you are loyal to me I will always be loyal to you. If you stab me in the back, I will never trust you again….but an even greater truth is…

I’m tired….I’m tired of pretending that everything is fine. I’m tired of pretending I’m strong. I’m tired of hurting, of picking up all the crap…I’m tired of all of it…

But before I list a huge onslaught of insults…I know I’ve looked at you the same. I’ve judged too harshly, made assumptions…drew conclusions that had no truth…but I was just convinced.

I’ve walked into peoples houses that I know that they have worked hard to decorate…and have stayed silent…no comment…good or bad…perhaps I was jealous.

I’ve eaten at peoples tables and offered no compliments. I’ve seen employees, stepdaughters, friends who have been dressed in their best outfits and having a great hair day…but was to tired to tell them.

I’ve been guilty of not writing the note that I knew my friend needed. I’ve been guilty of ignoring the text sent by a friend who knew I was struggling. I’ve been consumed with my own hurt to reach out to those who are ignored. I’ve been bitter and tired by a burden that I should not have to carry alone…but I do…and instead of just sharing those feelings I become depressed with the loneliness of it all.

I worry about my children and husband and business…that bad things will happen…like what happened before…that I don’t deserve any of it…that I’ve been bad and am unworthy of Gods blessings…does any of that make any sense?

All of those things are based on fear…and if there is anything I’ve learned this year…it’s to not fear like I should…but I still continue to be paralyzed by it…still.

Your hurt, the ugly words said behind your back…the lies…the gossip…someday…it will be dealt with.

The loneliness, the lack of friends, the lack of people you trust…He sees…He fights…He is enough.

That giant problem you can’t fix?? You can’t solve it? He will…and it will be amazing.

The other day on one of my Facebook pages, I hit a very hot topic…no intention of doing so…but I did. I dare not bring it up again, because frankly…I can’t take ONE more negative thing.

I can honestly tell you that the last time I was this low was 2002…and something about your husband dying makes people at least give you a break for a hot minute…but when circumstances of life are just blowing you down…..there’s no “extra” in people grace that you get. I don’t like to talk about most of it…because it sounds whiny….I don’t talk about the rest of it…because I don’t want you sitting there with your mouth hanging open and just blinking back at me…so I, just stuff it.

If you ask me how I’m feeling…I will reply just great…and ask you how your feeling….but the truth of it? I’m really annoyed and mad and ready to be done with this year.

I’m tired…and sick of offending everyone. I can’t let my child be a Harry Potter character for Halloween without someone losing their mind and saying I worship Satan. I can’t give my child immunizations without someone saying that I’m setting my child on fire. I can’t even buy fast food chicken without someone saying they can’t believe I did.

I see a post on Facebook I don’t agree with??? I go past it…or I say I don’t want to see it…and Facebook takes it away. Someone irritates me on Instagram? I mute them…but so many have gotten so brave for so long that as soon as we write something our bestie disagrees with…it’s an all out war!!! Can I ask why????

I colored a few streaks in my hair…I’m told my hair is weird. I have holes in my jeans and jackets…I’m told that I need new clothes. I decorate for Christmas early…I’m told I’m ungrateful. I homeschool my child…I’m told I don’t do enough for the community.

Do you ever feel that everything you touch shrivels and dies…and everything everyone else touches turns to gold? I’m the girl that plays the piano several times in church and it never got recorded….was on tv but it never aired…did stuff on social media and the views became non existent…ever feel that your just a complete disaster?

Everyone takes THE test and pass…but NOT you…then everyone walks around telling you your just a bad test taker….that’s true to…or, I can think of other things. Everyone gets a free gift but you…it’s your turn to get a chance to spin the wheel like the 300 people in front of you just did…but the wheel breaks when you touch it…anyone? Anyone at all? Huge prizes are won by everyone around you…but your prize is a new pen and T-shirt…and if you don’t act ecstatic then your ungrateful…all eyes on you.

You finally receive an award…but the film on the camera malfunctioned and it wasn’t placed on Facebook and the only person there was preoccupied in actually watching you GET the award and they forgot to take a picture…or your stuck behind the announcer and no one sees you??? Anyone, anyone at all??? Does life just seem to have it out for you???

So, what’s the answer??? Do you give up? Put your hands up in the air and decide your done with life and everyone around you? Well, that sounds nice….but your not gonna do that…because your brave…and your strong…and you do what you do because that’s who you are. You don’t get awards…you don’t get applause…you don’t get certificates or a pat on the back…your the one that everyone relies on…the quiet person that is the glue to everything. The one that does everything that everyone else forgot. Your the one that makes events happen. They happen by magic…everyone thinks. Your the one that makes small crowds laugh…your the one that no one sees…but your work is seen by everyone.

Your the cheerleader, the Martha, the one in the back…never the front…your just…the glue.

You are the fixer, the one that when everyone else lets you down…you are still there. Your the one who has seen the gross, the ugly, the blood and gore. Your the one that dried your tears daily and the little boy who kept asking why. Your the one who picked up the pieces that lay everywhere…when everyone else forgot…you didn’t. . Your the one that feels guilty when you are not able to do something. The one that can sit by someone as they cry and hold their hand and not say anything…because words aren’t helpful…but being there is.

If you have ever been this person…know that someday…someday we will have our tears wiped away…we will be told good job…and all the pain and hurt and agony…will be a distant memory.

You are worthy.

By the time you get to middle age…you probably have a very long list of grievances.

If you were raised in the 80s like me…we grew up with no cell phones. There was no internet. There was only word processors in colleges (look it up). I did have a roommate with a computer…it took up a ton of room…but she let us borrow it sometimes. The four of us shared a phone that was connected to the wall and paid extra for call waiting. We had privacy as far as the cord would stretch (meaning, in our closet). We talked to our parents once a week. There was no Facebook and no instagram…we took pictures in a camera and had to wait to get the film developed like a bunch of savages.

I went to college twelve hours from home…I drove back with friends every year..:and we usually always got stopped by the police (due to being too tired to drive) the policeman always told us to switch up drivers. Our parents never knew this of course. Most of us never dreamed of asking our parents for much help…and we really couldn’t. There was no online banking…if you ran out of money on a Friday…you had to beg your friends to help you until your parents could get money to you (or beg your sister like I did😬)

I dated boys my parents hated…ran for offices that my parents didn’t know about or care really. Probably they couldn’t tell you what classes I even took…just asked if I was passing. 😬

Those four years of learning just a little bit about myself…I wouldn’t change…I really would not change anything…even though I know how the book ends on college and my first marriage…it’s hard to erase. To erase it would mean to erase my son….

And I’m just never gonna do that.

I think if I could go back and change anything…it would be me. The older I get, the more I realize…certain things just didn’t matter.

It didn’t matter that skirts showed knees or jeans seemed to tight . It didn’t matter that the preacher had long hair and wore a T-shirt. It didn’t matter that the drummer at the church got far more involved in his song than I thought necessary. It didn’t matter what car we drove…what house we lived in…

It didn’t matter that they we didn’t dress the nicest…or that they did…money never buys you happiness.

It didn’t matter that I didn’t want to try new things…I should have. It didn’t matter that I was right…and so many were wrong.

So many relationships are broken, hearts broken, lives destroyed…over stupid opinions.. or arguments that can’t just be forgotten, left in the past…and forgiven.

Have you ever stood at the bedside of a loved one dying? I’ve done it twice…and they are horrible experiences. I was not able to have a conversation with either one…I was only able to stand there and hold their hand or cry…

Death comes with no warning…it just comes when it wants to. It doesn’t let us pay off our houses first…or get in shape, or have a tan. It doesn’t allow us to say goodbye to all those we love…or take that trip that we’ve been saving for…it just comes..like bad news on a sunny day…death just rips into your life..:and changes it forever. It can be a phone call…a hospital visit…anything…and then all at once…the world stops spinning…the sun fades…and you have to keep walking…when all you want to do is to dissolve back into the earth.

My list is long on regrets…my list is long on things I want to do and learn. My list is never ending on things I want to see…places I want to visit. I look forward to my daughters wedding one day…my sons wedding…all of the things….

The disputes with people will no longer matter…the arguments, the grudges…

It will no longer matter….

Lay it down..:

The more people I meet…the more people that want to know…how did I get caught up in clowning?

It may interest you to know that in the beginning…I hated dressing up…however, even as a child clowns have always interested me. I always wanted to be one for Halloween, but never had the guts to ask.

So about fifteen years ago, we started having Fall Parties so our kids could have their friends over and we could all get together and dress up and have fun. I did these parties for about twelve years…and then…I was just too tired to have them anymore.

The first year, I told my kids that I would dress up in any costume they chose..:they chose clown.::and I did it as big as I possibly could…and then I thought that would be the end of it.

My youngest stepdaughter went to school the next week and told the staff that I would be more than happy to do balloons at their school carnival as a clown. 😬😬😳😳😳.

I had no idea how to do balloons, or clowning…or anything…but I also had a hard time saying no…so I did it…and was asked back for five years to do that carnival.

At the time. I had a baby and so clowning was something I didn’t get to do but on and off and on…but when I did..it was such a fun experience.

As time went on, I felt the burden to increase my knowledge and the doors began to fly open. I wasn’t really that excited for the doors to open…but they continued to do so.

Owning a retail store, which is very serious, clowning provided even more of a way to release nervous tension and keep me humble.

I started being asked by retirement homes, races, carnivals, churches, runs, opening for animal shelters, Places for the homeless, food for kids organizations. More and more places.

This past summer I even decided that if it was possible for me to clown that I would do so for anyone that asked…and the doors flew open and were constant.

I decided to go to clown school in Minnesota and receive even more training…so for two summers I went and received training at Mooseburger Clown camp. I have also received training from a two day camp here in Missouri. The more that I learn, the more that I learn that I need to know.

Someday, I would like to receive training to do hospital clowning…that would be my dream.

Clowning does get lonely…many people don’t understand why I do what I do. There are days I wish I didn’t do it. I would like to sell all my belongings…and get rid of everything that I did for clowning…it’s a burden that I carry…but something that I can’t stop doing.

Some days I don’t want to do it…but after I get that smile from another…I see the purpose…and it’s enough to carry me through.

Happy clowning!

I just heard about the passing of Toby Macs son. He was only 21…and my heart breaks. I loved what Toby said…about following God no matter what.

If you’ve ever walked the dark roads of life…and I mean…cancer, unexpected death in your immediate family, financial devastation, fire, physical disability, a devastating life changing loss…and you were able to raise your hands in that storm…and sing….

“I’m gonna sing in the middle of the storm

Louder and louder, your gonna hear my praises roar.

Up from the ashes, hope will arise.

Death is defeated, the King is alive!”

If you’ve been able to sing that…with tears streaming down your face…with your hands raised…and your completely singing out of hope and faith…then you know exactly what I’m talking about.

There is nothing more terrifying, than releasing control (even though you really don’t have it anyway) but being able to say…whatever your will Lord.

So many of us feel that if we say that, we will be like Job…and all things will be taken from us….and that indeed is possible.

Everything that I have gone through in life…was a life changing thing that had it not happened, I would not be who I am today. I assure you, you would not like the person that is writing this. My trials have been very painful, but it is also a time that I came to see my God in a completely new way…and I look back at those moments…and wish that I would learn from the precious moments I had with my Savior…instead of treating Him like the friend you only call to help you with a problem, but they aren’t cool enough to go to the party with you.

I have never lost a child, never been told I have a life threatening illness….but I have had devastating loss. I’ve been hurt by people in positions of power. I’ve been gossiped about, and cheated on. I’ve been lied to, and lied about. I’ve had things stolen from me, and told things were my fault just because I was alive. I’ve been called stupid, ugly, and a disgrace and a waste of space. I’ve been called untalented and someone who will amount to nothing….and I ….keep….going.

Oh, I don’t say that for praise…I say that because God has placed people in my life to encourage me…when I’m ready to give up…always…He sends me someone…that gives me their hand…and helps me back up on my feet again.

This life…offers no guarantees. No guarantee of an easy life, financial gains, beautiful house, healthy children, healthy businesses, healthy bank accounts, healthy you…but who are you?

Who are you when someone steals from you? When you have to pick up the pieces of someone else’s mistake. When you have to keep going …even though people behind you are whispering, making fun of you. Who are you when you have to drive the rusty car? Who are you when you can’t get that stamp in your passport? Who are you when you lose all your hair? Who are you when you can’t move your body like you used to? When you have to ask others for help? When your child messes up? When your adult child disappoints you? When you lose your child or spouse?? Who are you when God says….I’ve asked much of you…and now I need a little bit more…who are you then?

I can tell you…I always try and fix it first. I always try to understand the why….and sometimes, there is no answer to the why…it just is.

I try to write a list on how to fix it, a battle plan…another battle plan…a lot of pleading and praying and shouting and asking….why???

Then….always after a long long time…..I finally submit…finally relax…and then…I pick it all back up again…and run through the whole process all over again.

Someday, I will learn….and I will relax in His arms…and I will trust Him…and not try to fix it…

We all have our own journey…be patient with one another…this world is not our home…

Tonight, I suffered from this in the worst way…and what was ironic about it…is she probably wouldn’t have let me do much with her anyway…but I have these grand ideas in my head…and then I fixate upon them.

For awhile, I have refused to clown at any church functions….not because I hate children….but mainly…because I would have a bad attitude by the time I was done…which wasn’t necessarily completely my fault.

Comments that people think are funny such as “clowns are scary” can set me off. It can immediately steal every bit of joy from me that I would have had. I know it’s a trigger…I recognize it as such…and I still fall under its spell….every….single….time.

I have people ask me why I’m a clown?can I go scare their friend?😱😳why is my makeup so weird? do I do birthday parties? Are my kids embarrassed by me? Is this my real job?

Tonight, the weather was beautiful. The crowd was insane…and I had a perfect steady line of delightful children, who said thank you and not one child cried.🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻.

As I stood there for one hour that went into two and then began to head to hour three…with my back and shoulders hurting…I had a serious case of “mom guilt”

I missed if my daughter was on a horse, or taking a hayride. Did she want to paint a pumpkin? Go over to the games and petting zoo? Did she help make the apple cider? Or play the games? Why didn’t she get her face painted? I missed all the pictures…all the things…

Then I looked around…listened to the music….saw all the people making all the things work so people could have a good time, so the bellies could be full…so everything could happen.

I imagined when we left…the amount of people doing the work to clean up…

I know that I didn’t get Instagram worthy photos of my child…and pretty much missed anything new she possibly did this evening…but I rested in the fact..she saw her Daddy play for worship Sunday morning…her Mom clown for the church functions, Sunday night…and helped her Mom along with her Dad as the sun was going down and people were patiently waiting for balloons…those are the memories that I want to leave with her.

There will always be Mom guilt…no matter what I do. Did I give her enough attention, too much attention…to much music, not enough sports…but…did she watch me serve other people….or sit on the sidelines…

Now understand me, there are times that then sidelines are where you should be, dear Momma…but most times they are not.

I would like to say that today I overcame when people said “scary clowns”. I was very upset about it…but I made myself go…and I’m glad I did.

I also enjoyed everyone knowing my clown name because if my new clown name tag…but my favorite was the llama

And the line that starting forming as soon as I took this picture…because all the littles saw me as a clown taking pictures of the llama…and not the Mom.

May I seek to be better…may I work to push through…May His name be praised above all the growing and complaining of my misshaped heart.

When I was very little….I remember a song we would sing in church and everyone would hold hands. The song was “Heavenly Sunshine.” The words were beautiful…and I as a child felt very secure, very content…and very grateful to be in that place.

Not long after that song was sung…a new Pastor came along…and a new philosophy. I believe that the leadership at that time felt that they were doing what God had directed them to do…but boy did they leave a mountain of destruction sealed in hearts of many who felt that they could never achieve the perfection that God desires. The sad part of the whole story…is that God doesn’t desire or expect perfection….the most beautiful part about Him, is that He works best with the broken.

In high school I was a misfit. I had a bad attitude, I was a poor student…but I loved writing for the school paper, working with the yearbook staff…and one year I was able to even be good enough to be a cheerleader(I’m really over it I promise 😬) I was good at acting and singing and piano, but too lazy or scared, or whatever you want to say…to really go far with any of it. I graduated with no honors, a few awards…and glad I survived the most complicated years in a teens life (so it seemed).

I then went on to a university that my parents said…it’s here or nowhere ….and I’m grateful for this university.::because there is no telling what stupid choices I would have made without it…nevertheless it was filled with more heartbreak…more things to make me feel unworthy, imperfect, broken…and messed up. It is here that I found the one who would lead me down one of the saddest/yet beautiful chapters of my life.

My upbringing had made me jaded….I was conflicted. I was brought up to believe that if your doing what God wanted you to do…then life would only be a blessing….where in the world is THAT written in the Bible??? Absolutely nowhere I assure you. My husband at the time wanted to go to a contemporary church…I remember standing there…flabbergasted that people had on jeans…because…we are supposed to look our best at church…and jeans is the best you people can do? The music….the music made me feel that God himself would open the gates of hell and cast me in…I just couldn’t bear to attend this church….but back at my “familiar” church….I wasn’t comfortable anymore…rather than dive into that…I continued on…because…doing the same thing over and over again…always fixes the problem.

My husband and I would go to christian concerts…I recall leaving a Steven Curtis Chapman concert…because I felt that the music at the end was Satanic….seriously…🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️ I mean…really?

Our beautiful baby boy was was born in November of 1999….and I thought life couldn’t get any better than this…but oh could it get worse…and I had no idea.

When we become wrapped up in our own “holiness” and amazing spiritual life…we get a big slice of humble pie…and I had the biggest piece of anyone I know.

My husband left me…and was with several other women…I never knew how many…I only ever met two of them. We were separated for two years…he had nothing to do with our son…except on the rare occasion where he needed to be the “Disneyland Dad.” He was an exceptional father….when he was there…but that was the problem…he never was there. I didn’t realize it at the time…but he was dealing with his own demons. Demons that he could never share with his perfect wife…who never did anything wrong…like wear jeans to church.

His life ended tragically in August of 2002 in a car accident…it was after his death that I learned of the women he had been with, the pornography that plagued him, and the things that had been done to him as a teen. No one in christian circles ever felt it important to share those things…we are taught to hide those things…deal with them in private…bear those burdens alone. I often wonder…if I would have relented and gone to a different church, would he have received the help he desperately needed? Would our family have been able to remain whole? Those are questions…that will never be answered….because God isn’t here to answer the why…He’s here to make us new and whole and completely changed with what is.

Heartbreak comes in many forms…but the greatest heartbreak…is at the graveside…and that day will never leave me…and there I sat…with my two year old…on a sunny and beautiful August day…and I just remember thinking…how did we get here? Can I please go back?

During that time…there was lots of blame to go around…and lots of it stopped at me…and lots of questions with “why wasn’t I enough?” God whispered to me…”you are enough” even though I had stepped out and done things I wasn’t proud of, relationships I should have never been in…He is a restorer and life can start over.

Sixteen years ago…I said “I do” to a new life…and a new man…and I have made mistakes in my second marriage….

Being a step parent…is a hush word in christian circles…we don’t talk about it. We say that God doesn’t like divorce…so we shouldn’t do it…and then we just leave it…but there are many in the wake of divorce…many that wish they were not. Divorce leaves so many victims for the actions of one. In our family…five lives were affected drastically by the choices of two people…and we had to suffer all the consequences.

I wish I could tell you that I won the stepmother award…but that would be a lie…I did not. I received unwise counsel…because in the church, we aren’t sure how to handle these things called second marriages…and what works for first marriages…does not at all work for second marriages…and there…is the problem.

I can’t go back and change the stupid and mean Things I said. My frustration mainly lay with the fact that everything was out of my control. What time the kids were dropped off, when they were picked up…stupid things like lost socks and shoes (being left at the other house) would set me off.::lost coats and jackets…sweaters and backpacks…these were the things that would make me completely lose it…and my little stepdaughters paid the price. I wasn’t mad at them…I was mad at the predicament we all found ourselves in…but I made it about them…and I will forever say I’m sorry to them…and hope that someday…they can move on.

Trials don’t stop…they don’t just happen once…you can’t just quit playing…you have to change and adapt…you have to stay focused.

My husband and I find ourselves in the middle of yet another “challenge”…and somedays I feel the black cloud over my head will consume me…I can’t run away from it…it always seems to be after me…but I am learning…that we are in the beginning of something beautiful. We are being changed…pushed…and made beautiful. The end is in sight…

There are some people that they have a schedule…and they complete it…and they live predictable lives…and others…we feel that we are sometimes “off-roading.”

I will tell you…that God has asked me to be quiet…which I’m desperately trying to do…to trust in Him….again, really trying to do…and just wait. While I’m waiting…He’s asking me to do really uncomfortable things…things that are growing me…but man are they hard…

The canvas of my life is being redone…touched up…made new (whatever spin you want to put on it). Things that I used to ❤️….I find myself being turned off by it. I’m finding that new people, new experiences, new things that I never thought would bring me joy…are bringing me joy. I raise my hands in church quite often…my husband plays electric guitar, and I wear jeans quite often to church…and I have never felt closer to God…not since I was little…and holding hands at church and singing “Heavenly Sunshine.”

I will not tell you that this entire process hasn’t been without great fear and trembling..:.when your a control freak like I am…and God continues to steer you in a more complicated, louder, bigger, shouting almost kind of way…..it’s easier just to giggle and go on and do it. He will give you the strength and the ability to conquer it. I am constantly amazed at how He uses me…how things turn out well that He has asked me to do.

I sit here writing this to you…in the middle of a storm…but I can now rest…because I know He’s in control. I can laugh because I know He will do something unusual. I can smile, because He uses me uniquely. I can have joy, because He has given me a new perspective on life.

We were made to share our joys and our sorrow with one another. We were made to show our imperfections…and He will use us more abundantly…once we use and show our imperfections.

I wish I could say to you that are going through a trial…to just rest, be quiet and watch the amazing work being done…but that would be unfair…because it’s in the learning to be still and wait and watch…that the real progress is made…when we quit trying to fix it…when we realize we just can’t fix it…and He has to step in….WOW….that’s when change is made.

May you go and live in the freedom of His forgiveness of your imperfections…and be amazed at the grace that allows us to minister to those who were once in the very same circumstances as we found ourselves in.

May His name be praised.

I recently picked up a book at the library that I have been dying to get my little hands on. As part of my frugal process I don’t let myself buy books anymore (unless it’s for work…or something that I really really want). The book is by one of my favorite authors Lysa Terkhurst…and she’s talking about disappointments. The name of the book is ” it’s not supposed to be this way.” If you are going through any hardships…I recommend you pick this book up immediately (unless you use our local library, then you have to wait until I’m done😬.)

Have you ever felt like you lived your life two ways: recovering from a difficult time, waiting for another difficult time to come…and that’s pretty much how you live?

I realized, that that is actually how I have been living for about 18 years. I wasn’t meaning to be that way…but as I reflect…that’s exactly what I’ve been doing.

When my first husband died when I was 28 and I had a toddler, I went into “survival mode”. When I remarried a little over a year later…I relaxed a little finally…but still…was not who I am today…I still very much was trying to understand the whys of what exactly happened…why I was where I was.

There are times that I feel that I am the victim of cleaning up other people’s mistakes, that I’m constantly the one that gets to enjoy the clean up of what someone else was supposed to take care of and didn’t. Like paying your custodian and then having to clean the yucky bathrooms. That’s me…I’m here to clean up your soap scum…never get to go to the party….just here with my dirty mop…and my beige uniform…waiting for the next mess. (I hate beige…it’s the worst color in the universe).

So, since I like word pictures and it helps my brain form thoughts that are helpful…let’s continue with this custodial job with my dirty mop and beige uniform…and that’s as good as my life is gonna get…just waiting for the messes..spend a lot of time waiting…alone.

I have an employee who retired…but every once in awhile she comes in to help us as we transition. This employee moves faster than those who are twice her age junior. She is constantly moving…constantly cleaning up the messes. She is always smiling, always thinking of others, remembers everyone’s birthday and special events. Never comes to your house empty handed. Everyone who meets her loves her. When she walks in, she’s a breath of fresh air. I hear my other employees literally say “hurrah, your here!” Her life isn’t easy…she has sad stories…..but you would never know it.

The difference between those two characters is amazing. They both clean up the messes, but boy doesn’t the other one have such a richer life…than the the one in the beige uniform and the dirty mop.

The phrase that stopped me in my tracks tonight as I read this book: “If the enemy can isolate us, he can influence us.” 😳😱😱😱. So much truth.

For the last five years, I’ve endured some things that I should not have had to endure…and my choice of how to deal with them was to basically shut out all people. More specifically, “church people”. I felt that if I just went to a big enough church, sat in the back row…and slipped out of church each Sunday…that that would be good…and all would be well. However, we are NOT made to be alone. We are social beings. We need interaction with one another. So, my husband stuck his big toe out first…and I was so proud of him…I was perfectly happy with sitting on the back row and watching him play guitar on stage and say “awesome job!” High five.::see ya!!!

Five months ago, God burdened me and worked on me..and I reluctantly got out of my beige uniform with my dirty mop…and said ok…whatever you want me to do I will do…and I said it with all the stale emotion you can imagine..:but God has a sense of humor when it comes to me…me and He said “Great! I am opening up the floodgates for you to serve with your unique gift, and it’s gonna be great….because I’m going to introduce you to amazing people…and your going to do things like go on tv, and meet a ton of new people. Your going to get behind more cameras for your church, your going to go do more things than you ever thought possible.” And that’s what I did….and it was pretty amazing….and I was enjoying it…until…

Well, a little disappointment came along…and I decided to pack it up…..my beige uniform went back on…and I got my little mop back out. I cancelled almost all the things I was to do this month…but…I have friends that were not about going to let that happen..:so they prodded me….and like a mature person that I am…I basically sat on my dirty mop…and said…I like my beige uniform and you can’t make me change….but everyone that knows me….knows I can’t do that….so…here I go. I’m out of my beige uniform…..I’m back in my clown skin…ready for more adventures….wondering why I constantly do this dance.

We are made for so many great things in this life…we suffer in silence as we go through traumatic events. We never utter that our children are struggling…that our marriages are crumbling, that finances are difficult. We never tell each other we are scared…that we don’t know how this could end anyway but bad…and then….rainbows come out…God miracles happen.::but we can’t tell anyone, because we never told them what was going on in the first place…we wanted to be strong, and holy enough (like that’s even a thing!)

I can never go back to July 18, 1997, and tell my first husband all the things I wish I could say. I can never go back to August 23, 2003 and change the type of wife I was to my poor husband…I can’t change the stepmother I was, the mother I was, the boss, the clown, the soapmaker…nothing…but instead of getting caught up in that…I can walk through trials with trust that He will work it out…and that He loves me…and that it’s gonna make me a better person. I can choose to find the joy…instead of being paralyzed by the fear. I can find the new adventures, I can watch the miracles pile on..:and I can choose to live in a colorful clown suit…instead of a beige uniform with a dirty mop…and an Eye-ore mentality.

Which one do you think would be more fun? Gotta make some phone calls tomorrow…have a great one! Keep running your race!