The Reluctant Red Nose

My husband and I went on a short weekend camping adventure this past weekend. There is a sweet camping site about 45 minutes from our house with very clean showers and bathrooms. It actually spoils you and sets the expectation very high for other campgrounds.

The name is Wallace Campground and it has very good memories for us…back in 2019 we decided to go tent camping for the first time in….well…since I was an adult (and that has been a few years).

Now we have outgrown the tent…we need to be able to walk the next day….and I admit…I must have air…or a fan…and a fridge….but most of all I need a real bed…air mattress will not do it anymore.

So we made the step up….and now we feel like we can do things….hook up a trailer and all the things…we are thankful for friends and family who have helped us complete newbies.

There has been a lot going on and this past weekend was no exception….having aging parents while raising a teen whom you homeschool and just taught to drive are not easy….owning your own business and working part time and volunteering makes me feel overwhelmed. Somehow though…the quiet of the woods…helps. Being still….

I have four appointments coming up in the next two weeks. Three of them with my new oncologist…one of them with my Radiation oncologist. If you had told me a year ago that I would have to go to the Cancer Center so much I would have cried…but now…CT scans don’t alarm me…I just keep swimming.

When I was young…I never even thought about cancer or that it would be in my family….we all seemed very invincible….now….

I take each day….and try to figure out what to be thankful for….

Today:

1. A clean dog x 2
2. My Dad is doing better at the retirement home and my Mother is doing better as well.
3. My husband, my children
4. My business, my staff
5. We have customers
6. Clowning and my encouraging clowning friends
7. Music and being able to play with a praise band.
8. Upcoming trips…things to look forward to
9. Fall is coming….

When you start making a list….those awful things in life seem bearable….count the gifts…there are many!

Today I took my dog Ozzie to the groomer….that resulted in four dogs, two cats…all barking…hissing at each other…but we all survived…and that made me think about us as humans…growling and hissing at each other. Fear of the unknown…but then finally figuring out that cats are ok…I guess🥴.

I returned home with a Starbucks Matcha that I used my stars for…and I was heavy hearted…a lot is going on and my heart is so heavy.

When I can’t make things better…I decided to do some things that I haven’t in awhile….

I made some soap…

Isn’t it funny how when your hands are busy, your mind goes to happier places….

I decided to try a new flour in my sourdough…we will see if that works…

Picked some of my flowers and cleaned…

I decided to also go big and clown….There is an event I’m going to that is a fundraiser for a charity they they asked me to clown at awhile ago…I was going to go real lite…but sometimes in life….we need to go big…we need to push ourselves past the comfort zone. I find such freedom when doing that!

I cannot control the mean things people say about me, or to me…or behind my back…but I can control making people laugh.

I can’t change circumstances or I would in a heartbeat, but I can make you think of something else for a moment. I can make you laugh…

I have walked the death of a spouse, breast cancer, and now aging parents….and there is no quick fix. There’s no “getting over it” you have to deal with the new reality each day. It isn’t fair…it will never feel “right”. The ache will lessen but never leave….

The hardest part of being an adult is learning that this is not a race you can stop…you can’t quit the race….you don’t have to keep running…you can walk or jog…you can skip….you can even stomp (somedays I prefer that). You cannot quit…life is a race and none of us know where our finish line is…

I hope when I die you smile when you think of me…I hope you wear a clown nose and laugh on days you don’t feel like it…and I hope that on days you feel like stomping…you remember that you didn’t quit…even though you wanted to.

I think I spend a strange amount of time thinking about death….perhaps because lately it surrounds me…it is in all my thoughts and all my dreams.

Since I was a small child, heaven was always taught to be on our minds. If you didn’t grow up in a Baptist church this may sound very foreign to you. I was brought up in a very legalistic church. My view of God as a child was to fear God. I did good things so that God would be pleased with me and always worried it wasn’t good enough. I know many friends of the Catholic faith and they have struggled with this as well.

God is a touchy subject…I have friends that believe in God and I have friends that do not and some are undecided.

I have walked through quite a few fiery trials…and am walking through another as we speak. God has given me the strength each and every time…and I can count the ways He has never failed me…but today…I am grieving…I am aware of this weird space between life and death we all live.

I have never wanted to talk to my Dad so badly in my entire life….I feel he is giving up…and I feel cheated…

I had fishing stories to tell him….even ones about the one who got away…

He always knew where to go to get things fixed…he installed lights and ceiling fans…built kitchen cabinets and my first playhouse…he could build anything.

He would race me to the car and always let me win but sometimes he let me feel he was gonna win but in the end I always pulled through….

He had a song he sang that I need to see if he can remember “I see the moon and the moon sees me” and I can’t remember the rest!!!

This is me, in the front, when we moved my playhouse to where we were going to live.

Now he is in the nursing home, my Mom is distraught about it…she doesn’t understand, and she’s never been away from him before…..

I used to fear death…but I know that someday when I get to heaven…

I picture this is how I will greet Jesus….all the whys will be answered…no more pain….no more tears….just joy. Then a visit with all those who went before me….

Is it not amazing how busy life can be….but somehow I feel amazing because we hand washed and waxed my car today after I cleaned it out. I washed my windows and we got the laundry done and pulled weeds….somehow I feel unstoppable.

I made all final prep work for our Idaho trip where my niece will be getting married…and I figured out all camping trips (there are three). I cannot tell you why my brain works the way it does but order is needed….I wish I was a person who could go with the flow but I cannot.

This weekend we celebrated a lot….we ate really great food, had too much sugar and took amazing hikes . I was soo happy to see a trail we have loved be completely renovated and now is an amazing bike trail in our town…I am thrilled.

We went to the place where my husband asked me to marry him 21 years ago…..

The weather has turned gorgeous…and we are here for it .

Today I needed a nap after all the decorating, cleaning and so on.

I feel overwhelmed most days….and things I thought would be an overwhelming big deal…is just a quick little convo…the word oncology doesn’t even scare me anymore.

I will not tell you it doesn’t overwhelm me….everyone has an opinion. Everyone has their idea of what quality of life is…that the good outweighs the bad….

Today I got to go with my daughter as she dropped this off at our local hospital for their Art Exhibit…

I am grateful….

Today she started her Junior year….

We are going to go camping this weekend….

We are going to Idaho soon…

Apples and pumpkins are coming…

So many good things….

This year we knew we had to celebrate….

We had my husband turning 60 and I turned 50 this year..::my stepdaughter 30. My Dad turned 90 and if my mother n law was still with us she would have been 100.

We wanted simple….we wanted just family…we didn’t want a huge fuss….just a little fuss.

I decided we all need balloons for our ages…

We all brought our favorite cake or pie…brought our pictures of childhood or baby…or whatever we wanted….

Because I am tired…I had a local caterer that I adore where they drop off and set everything up and then they come and get everything….and I love them….

This week was tiring ….I went with my sister to see my Dad….right now he has a huge fascination with his wallet….I don’t know why….when I opened it o found pictures of my mother…..

I asked my Dad who that was….without hesitation he said my Mothers name.

Life….I feel at times I am going to go under.

I keep hearing people that have quit taking their medicine for cancer and it came back….

I sometimes feel invisible and wonder if I should keep trying….is there any point?

I try to fill my jar as completely full as I can….hoping that I can distract myself from things that terrify me…and I wonder what the point is.

Sometimes I would like to go live in a little cabin in the woods….and the only thing that can find me is the Amazon Prime truck….so I can make soap and plant flowers….😬

I know I would be lonely quickly….but it would be fun to try for awhile.

This week we start back to school and all those activities…..

Quiet won’t find me for long….

This was written a few nights ago…

My husband and I are strange people. We don’t crave change but our lives seem to think we do…it makes us uncomfortable…it makes me lose sleep..I crave the normal…but I am constantly pushed beyond comfort.

My husband and I like to drive our cars for a long period of time…before our car purchase tonight…our youngest car was 9 years old…and we were ok with that…but my husband needed a “new to us” car.

As we were driving home in our purchase…with a much much lighter wallet….I closed my eyes…and was grateful…thankful…I enjoyed the moment for all its goodness.

Life beats us all up…it’s overwhelming…it’s frightening…it is at times….terrifying….but I try very hard to stop and take a moment to enjoy these things where God shows His favor.

Sunday…..

Today is Sunday….I have been exhausted all week…thinking it was just because we have had non stop lives….

Today I slept a lot…and I am still tired….

Monday…..

Today I do feel better. I called the cancer center and I am switching oncologist ….I don’t feel heard with my first one and to be on a drug for five years, I feel like I need to be heard.

From the first day I met him he said things that upset me and I should have spoke up for myself then and there but I did not. My Radiation Oncologist called my cancer for what it was….cancer. This particular oncologist who is to be in charge of my hormone therapy made me feel small from the beginning.

Many DCIS patients are dismissed and treated like they are less then…when in fact….we deserve a seat at the table like everyone else. This doctor likes to use the word “pre-cancer” it was like his favorite word. Inside I was screaming because I had just went through this with my surgeon.

I was diagnosed with DCIS in Situ which means the cancer was in my milk ducts of my left breast it had not become invasive…..if it had, I would have also had to do chemo. It was stage 0 Grade 3….grade 3 is what they are worried about….it means it’s fast growing…better stop it fast. It also can be passed to my daughter….they want her to start being screened at 25.

Instead I had a lumpectomy, 5 lymph nodes removed and then I have suffered with lymphedema and serious vertigo….followed by 20 rounds of radiation and then more OT therapy for my lymphatic system and then I get to be on tamoxifen for five years…..so that’s why I got mad…this wasn’t a tiny Bandaid that needed to come off…this was a lot. He even admitted that there was a gene that they hadn’t been discovered that my family had because 3/5 sisters was too many….

I have been on tamoxifen for almost four months and once a month for four days it’s debilitating….he didn’t care….he dismissed it. But now I am at a crossroads…..

From the beginning of this medicine I have said I would try it but if my quality of life is diminished than I would seek another drug. I am aware of the importance….my cancer coming back is always at the back of my mind…I’ve watched my sisters come back….I know it’s a real possibility.

I never want to be selfish to my family and not be with them as long as possible…but I am not sure sitting on the couch and feeling awful is the quality of life I want either.

We are coming into my favorite time of year….and I don’t want to miss anything…my list is a mile long and I keep getting further and further behind!

I switched to a new oncologist today that was recommended….I feel empowered that I have changed my course and am with someone who will help me navigate this better….

Please don’t be like me….listen to your gut….speak up for yourself….

There is more drugs than tamoxifen….there are answers….

I am grateful for modern medicine and those who are helpful in their fields….

The days seem long….but joy will come in the morning.

The last seven days have gone by in the fastest most colorful speed you have ever imagined.

I had one goal this time….to refresh my soul…to laugh…to heal….to realize that life is very good.

My goal this year was to use the hat during the Pie Fight….I have wanted to do it for years….and my wish was fulfilled.

The staff at Moose Camp knows I just kicked cancers ass and my close clown friends and nobody else knows which is how I like it….after Neal put the hat on my head and we got some serious height…they chanted my name….most of them have no idea how much those words meant…they were just being silly….but my heart needed it….and I was grateful .

I took a puppet course….

I was pushed but can’t wait to use this in my Red Nose Reader Program….

My clown besties and I enjoyed life to the fullest….

It was a time of healing and joy…..

I am grateful….

I did the color guard gag….it was a lot of fun!!!

Until next year clown besties….bump a nose….and see ya on down the road!

Tomorrow is the day I hate more than any date in the entire world….

August 5,2002….my life changed forever.

I married a man who I adored….and thought there was no one on this planet who could have been luckier….but sometimes this world is full of nothing but lies and it destroys everything that is good….

I will not go into detail about my first husband….it has been forgiven….we have moved on. I no longer fixate on the pain he caused…it is finished.

August 5,2002 after two years of separation my husband Ron was killed in a car accident. I was able to say goodbye before he passed. I was able to tell him I loved him and kiss him. Then…he went to heaven.

The night before he died he sang the song “I can Only Imagine.” We played that at his funeral….and 22 years later that song is still being played. Every time I hear it I wink up to heaven and say…yes…only you would pick a song still being sung 22 years later.

We had a son…who is now a man….and I can’t get over how he looks like him…has the same mannerisms that are just in his chemical makeup but also has the mannerisms of the father who raised him.

I was a lucky girl….my parents helped me while I was a single mother….and I feel lucky that my son had people to step in the gaps.

I remarried in late 2003….and he asked no questions…he accepted the responsibility. Was he perfect? Absolutely not….but we are grateful for his direction and leading.

They have similar build…they walk the same…and many people who don’t know the story have no idea that Trey is adopted by my husband.

God does little things like that….

Trey and I talk about how weird things happen and he feels like he has a super guardian angel…I feel the same….I again, wink up to heaven.

I don’t like August 5th….this year I am surrounding myself with a hobby that gives me amazing joy…surrounded by people who love me and understand me. I have never needed anything more.

I will always wonder what life would have been like if there wasn’t that car accident….but I know…all things happen for a reason….and some day….the why will be answered.

Until then….keep moving….one foot in front of the other. Do NOT give up…do NOT stop.

This past week, we went with a group of friends to Echo Bluff State Park. About a 20 minute drive from there is a little tiny town called Emminence. A little five mile jog is a campground called Alley Springs.

I had not laid eyes on it since I was around seven…and beside the big wheel being gone it was exactly as I had remembered….

We passed over the bridge where I could see the campground we stayed in as a little kid…and the river we swam in for hours….

I have nothing but fond memories of this place.

I swam and swam…my love of water began very early in life. I remember my Dad cleaning fish…I liked how the scales would hit the sunlight and I always saw a rainbow on the fish. I remember canoe trips…I never worried we would tip…Dad always knew what to do.

I remember being in the back of his motorcycle and riding around the campground…I always had to wear a helmet and hold on tight, I burned my foot once on the motorcycle….my Dad was very upset I was hurt.

I remember eating fish and my Dad always telling me how to eat my fish and be careful with bones. I remember my Mother making hush puppies…I remember s’mores …. I remember contentment.

As I walked across the bridge and saw the mill…I took a quick breath…it looked exactly the same. I wanted to cry…but no tears would come.

This trip came on the heels of a visit with my Dad two weeks ago that ended badly. He didn’t know who I was. He saw people who were not there. He asked bizarre questions….and I felt like I had lost him already.

Dementia isn’t kind….it doesn’t care about hurting you.

My Dad was kind and funny and he had the strongest hands and biggest hands. My hands would get lost in his. As a little girl I felt nothing could ever hurt me. My Dad could fix anything…he sang the silliest songs….he had the best laugh…and I miss him.

My Dad will soon be in a nursing home. We all agree that this is the absolute best thing for my Dad. He has been found wandering on the road…neighbors have had to bring him home…it is not safe for him to live with my Mother anymore….

So, when I visit places of my childhood….and the memories flood back of my Dad….I am reminded of what I’ve lost…

We are not promised an easy life….but I know that my sisters and I had the best Dad…and we have to hold onto those memories. We have to walk him through this terrible journey. None of us want to…none of us know how to do it..but we just have to.

So today, listen to the roar of the river….and be grateful for the memories this lovely piece of the world has given to many families…..

Life goes so quickly….and I am grateful for the amazing Dad I had the privilege of having.

Today we went to an estate sale…:bought nothing. My husband loves these things….I do not….they always make me sad.

I walk around and I look at the memories…cherished gifts…handmade gifts…lovely painting with stories and a $5 painters tape sticker on it.

While I was there a lady from church gave me a huge compliment….and I’ve been riding the high all day. I am not going to tell you what she said ….I am gonna keep it to myself…my husband heard it…but if you could hug a compliment…this one was it.

The Estate made me think….I keep having this conversation….I had the same one last night when we were at friends house. We organize all the stuff…we shop the stuff…we are overwhelmed with all the stuff…and then we donate it or sell it for $1….why????

This Fall I am turning over a new leaf….or should I say…shredding a leaf….ha!

Less is more….

Age apparently is doing a number on me….I am obsessed with growing things….dahlias and zinnias…even pumpkins! Sustainable vegetables did horrible for me…but I am not giving up…..

For now….I will rejoice with my Dahlias….

At the end of my life….I want all the experiences….I want people to think of me and think of red noses…I want them to remember a house that welcomed them but not overwhelm them….

Don’t walk through my house and put a $1 sticker on my clown stuff….take and use it….the way Miss Dot would have….

Speaking of Miss Dot….my clown friend Brittani doesn’t stop….look what she designed for me!!!