The Reluctant Red Nose

Tomorrow is the day I hate more than any date in the entire world….

August 5,2002….my life changed forever.

I married a man who I adored….and thought there was no one on this planet who could have been luckier….but sometimes this world is full of nothing but lies and it destroys everything that is good….

I will not go into detail about my first husband….it has been forgiven….we have moved on. I no longer fixate on the pain he caused…it is finished.

August 5,2002 after two years of separation my husband Ron was killed in a car accident. I was able to say goodbye before he passed. I was able to tell him I loved him and kiss him. Then…he went to heaven.

The night before he died he sang the song “I can Only Imagine.” We played that at his funeral….and 22 years later that song is still being played. Every time I hear it I wink up to heaven and say…yes…only you would pick a song still being sung 22 years later.

We had a son…who is now a man….and I can’t get over how he looks like him…has the same mannerisms that are just in his chemical makeup but also has the mannerisms of the father who raised him.

I was a lucky girl….my parents helped me while I was a single mother….and I feel lucky that my son had people to step in the gaps.

I remarried in late 2003….and he asked no questions…he accepted the responsibility. Was he perfect? Absolutely not….but we are grateful for his direction and leading.

They have similar build…they walk the same…and many people who don’t know the story have no idea that Trey is adopted by my husband.

God does little things like that….

Trey and I talk about how weird things happen and he feels like he has a super guardian angel…I feel the same….I again, wink up to heaven.

I don’t like August 5th….this year I am surrounding myself with a hobby that gives me amazing joy…surrounded by people who love me and understand me. I have never needed anything more.

I will always wonder what life would have been like if there wasn’t that car accident….but I know…all things happen for a reason….and some day….the why will be answered.

Until then….keep moving….one foot in front of the other. Do NOT give up…do NOT stop.

This past week, we went with a group of friends to Echo Bluff State Park. About a 20 minute drive from there is a little tiny town called Emminence. A little five mile jog is a campground called Alley Springs.

I had not laid eyes on it since I was around seven…and beside the big wheel being gone it was exactly as I had remembered….

We passed over the bridge where I could see the campground we stayed in as a little kid…and the river we swam in for hours….

I have nothing but fond memories of this place.

I swam and swam…my love of water began very early in life. I remember my Dad cleaning fish…I liked how the scales would hit the sunlight and I always saw a rainbow on the fish. I remember canoe trips…I never worried we would tip…Dad always knew what to do.

I remember being in the back of his motorcycle and riding around the campground…I always had to wear a helmet and hold on tight, I burned my foot once on the motorcycle….my Dad was very upset I was hurt.

I remember eating fish and my Dad always telling me how to eat my fish and be careful with bones. I remember my Mother making hush puppies…I remember s’mores …. I remember contentment.

As I walked across the bridge and saw the mill…I took a quick breath…it looked exactly the same. I wanted to cry…but no tears would come.

This trip came on the heels of a visit with my Dad two weeks ago that ended badly. He didn’t know who I was. He saw people who were not there. He asked bizarre questions….and I felt like I had lost him already.

Dementia isn’t kind….it doesn’t care about hurting you.

My Dad was kind and funny and he had the strongest hands and biggest hands. My hands would get lost in his. As a little girl I felt nothing could ever hurt me. My Dad could fix anything…he sang the silliest songs….he had the best laugh…and I miss him.

My Dad will soon be in a nursing home. We all agree that this is the absolute best thing for my Dad. He has been found wandering on the road…neighbors have had to bring him home…it is not safe for him to live with my Mother anymore….

So, when I visit places of my childhood….and the memories flood back of my Dad….I am reminded of what I’ve lost…

We are not promised an easy life….but I know that my sisters and I had the best Dad…and we have to hold onto those memories. We have to walk him through this terrible journey. None of us want to…none of us know how to do it..but we just have to.

So today, listen to the roar of the river….and be grateful for the memories this lovely piece of the world has given to many families…..

Life goes so quickly….and I am grateful for the amazing Dad I had the privilege of having.

Today we went to an estate sale…:bought nothing. My husband loves these things….I do not….they always make me sad.

I walk around and I look at the memories…cherished gifts…handmade gifts…lovely painting with stories and a $5 painters tape sticker on it.

While I was there a lady from church gave me a huge compliment….and I’ve been riding the high all day. I am not going to tell you what she said ….I am gonna keep it to myself…my husband heard it…but if you could hug a compliment…this one was it.

The Estate made me think….I keep having this conversation….I had the same one last night when we were at friends house. We organize all the stuff…we shop the stuff…we are overwhelmed with all the stuff…and then we donate it or sell it for $1….why????

This Fall I am turning over a new leaf….or should I say…shredding a leaf….ha!

Less is more….

Age apparently is doing a number on me….I am obsessed with growing things….dahlias and zinnias…even pumpkins! Sustainable vegetables did horrible for me…but I am not giving up…..

For now….I will rejoice with my Dahlias….

At the end of my life….I want all the experiences….I want people to think of me and think of red noses…I want them to remember a house that welcomed them but not overwhelm them….

Don’t walk through my house and put a $1 sticker on my clown stuff….take and use it….the way Miss Dot would have….

Speaking of Miss Dot….my clown friend Brittani doesn’t stop….look what she designed for me!!!

Well well well…..I see you 50….and I do NOT like you. Do not tell people we are friends because that would be a lie.

Yesterday, I got my new bifocals….

I’m trying to be cool and sassy…but now I have to lift my chin up to read the fine print and ….what in the actual world is happening?

I tried to take a pic where I have my tattoo showing and my hair fixed properly and the light showing on my skin properly….but this is how I feel…right here….very middle aged.

After a long day at work with the wrong shoes previously….I decided that I had to wear my comfy Keen shoes to work…then….it hit me.

If you say Dansko, Keen…or Hookas…you either have plantar fasciitis, or you are middle aged.

if you get up from the floor and make a soft groan…you are middle aged.

The absolute fabulous part of all of this? I do not care! I have earned every last stretch mark, wrinkle, dimple…and they are battle scars.

I now have decided that I have way too much crap in my house….I am purging like crazy! For fall and Christmas I am determined to take it WAYYYY down. I frankly, am tired. I am sick of wasting money on stuff that I just end up throwing away or giving away. I have no desire to go shop at Target or Hobby Lobby or even TJ Maxx….I am over it all!

I am tired of organizing and being overwhelmed by crap. I cannot find things and then I buy more. my brain cannot relax. My anxiety is sky high. I cannot just be….I cannot just rest.

Gardening is my new passion….I am considering a tiny greenhouse to start seedlings? Who even am I?

I check on my Dahlias every morning like they are my newborn babies….and I am not even kidding.

I am obsessed with my bird fountain (I never even liked birds) and solar lighting. I even bought a bird feeder that attaches to my window so I can watch the birds….and I yell at my dog when he scares the birds away.

As I write this, I agree it sounds serious….like how did this happen so fast?

Truth is….life comes at ya fast! It knocks you to the ground….but humor…. and some bad ass looking glasses can help you through it!

No matter what lane you are in right now….enjoy it! Embrace the bifocals and enjoy the comfy shoes….😘

How do you get through the emotional trauma of cancer?

If you are looking for the answer here…I haven’t found it…I am struggling.

Finding out my diagnosis, I heard a common theme…I even said the common theme…but I think those words had a power to them that I didn’t fully fathom. The words “it’s the best worst news.” All of those words are true…but for me….its like they took away the importance….the severity of what I was feeling.

When you are diagnosed with cancer and you receive your cancer plan it seems like a huge mountain….I didn’t have all the information. I had no idea what all of it would entail….still entails.

It’s been so long since I’ve felt well, I am not sure what feeling well feels like.

Not only do you deal with the trauma of treatments and trying to navigate how you feel and your changes and scarred body but it’s constantly in the back of your mind….will it come back?

Being on meds every single ailment you feel, you blame it on that med…

Going out to eat is no longer fun….I’ve completely and totally changed the way I eat…and quite frankly….it sucks. Last night I wanted fried shrimp and a sweet tea…instead I had a lovely salmon and a salad…drank a lovely ice water with lemon…my body thanked me.

If you don’t know me I ate pretty healthy before…we don’t eat a lot of processed meals…we don’t drink soda…no chips or sugary cereals are in our house…we don’t do bad. I could stand to lose 15 pounds but I am not overweight. In fact before I got diagnosed with cancer my doctor went on and on about how great my BMI was and my blood pressure. I was working out….I was feeling good.

Now I’m not sure how I feel…each day I get up and I try hard to keep my mind off it. I drink water and I eat healthy and I walk and I’m starting back on rowing…but I feel like I just want to lay down and nap.

I’ve entertained the idea of talking to someone…but honestly I don’t feel like sharing my “feelings”. I don’t want to talk about how I feel.

I guess the reason for that is I don’t want to “feel”…

As soon as I begin to “feel” I begin to cry….and that does not help anyone.

When people see my scars and comment how great they look…I don’t see that….I just see the scars….

I have conversations with other pink sisters I never thought I would have….I am grateful to them…

Giving up is not an option….but right now life feels u fair and heavy….I am grateful for trips and experiences I have coming up….I am hopeful that my soul will learn to soar after these experiences.

I am weak…and I am weary.

Don’t worry….I will rise again!

Today I headed to see my parents….my Dad has dementia and my Mother is starting to have some issues as well. We have tried to seek other care providers but my parents are stubborn and refuse to listen to reason.

Dad has been brought home by neighbors several times….found walking in the road barefoot.

Today his hallucinations were a lot and I am tired. I watched my daughter roll with the punches and we laughed together…because otherwise…you will cry. Today my Ellie was cutting cake for her grandfather…he asked her why she wasn’t cutting a piece for the other little kids (there were none). My daughter, without missing a beat….looked at her grandfather and said… “they can’t have any right now.” And he replied “oh, ok!” And that was it!

My reality is that I won’t have conversations with my Dad like I used to….I wish I would have known when that was….maybe I would have appreciated it more.

Today I told my Mom that I had had cancer and that’s why I haven’t been able to be around as much. It upset her….she wanted to make sure that I was ok…my Dad sat there listening….not absorbing any of what I said to him….and that’s ok.

I brought them a simple cd player with some Books on tape…hoping maybe that will be a good distraction.

I repeat myself

I speak at great volumes….I am literally shouting….

It is always meant with words being spun completely wrong

I am grateful for humor…laughter….helps the pain go down a bit easier.

I called my sister to vent….and cried a little…

And tomorrow…..we will pull ourselves back up…and keep going.

Last night we were headed back from DC where half of our adult children live. I was doing just fine because I will see them again in September, so I was doing fabulous….no tears were falling down this girls face…I was good!!!

Then as I lined up in my little Boarding A group….i looked outside…..and I saw the train that my son rides on everyday…and I teared up.

This past year scared me…..I was afraid I would have to say goodbye way earlier than I wanted.

Trey was born in Overland Park KS…but was raised in Kansas City…the Missouri side. When he was three I remarried and we moved to a little town…and he has always longed for the big city….

I get its charm. Whatever I want to eat….I can….

It has amazing museums and art galleries.

There are phenomenal monuments

The food is pretty darn good!

There are quirky art galleries as well….

The amazing Hope Diamond

But still….every parent hates to say goodbye and get on a plane.

If he’s sick….I am too far away. If he’s lonely….I am too far away…..if his heart is broken..::I am too far.

So even though that train makes me sad….i pray over it…I pray it keeps my boy safe on his way to and from work. I pray he meets nice people on a day he’s sad. I pray he is kindness and stands up for those who are alone.

This is what it looks like to let your children fly….and it’s not easy….

In about a month I head to clown camp….this will be my 4th year attending.

I know this year will be very emotional because many of these people have texted daily…sent me gifts to make me smile…they have totally been there for me. They have gotten unattractive pictures of radiation burns and lumpectomy scars. They have seen radiation stickers and listened to me whine…they have been my complete “applause” crowd.

Many people will say things like they hate clowns….that’s because you don’t know them. You don’t know the selfless things they do. They put themselves in silly costumes and learn how to do it all in their spare time. They spend countless hours perfecting skills just learned with one goal….to make you smile.

Clown camp is a healing place for all of us. We don’t have to explain wearing crazy socks or clothes….because all of us get feeling extra. If you want to cry for a bit we get that to. If you want to wear a clown nose all day because you need to know if it fits you…we can get behind that. It feeds our creative clown side….we learn from each other. We show our scars to one another. We love each other.

It is a week of fun….laughter….unbelievable hard work. It is exhausting, it is healing….it will push you further then you ever felt you wanted to go. It is magical….

You leave your shyness at the door….because eventually it will stay there anyway because clown camp doesn’t judge….it encourages….

Well, unless Hoot is your teacher….then he will push you further than you ever thought you could go. You will cry…but in the end….you will be so proud of who you are.

My clown friends are my family. They sent encouragement, flowers, countless gifts…and daily texts….they encouraged me not to give up….they were my cheerleaders….

Clown camp can’t come soon enough….but at the same time, I don’t want it to come yet….because this year it will be harder to say goodbye than ever before.

I will never ever forget…..all my clown friends did for me…..they are the best humans I know!!!!

I think that is a title I used to want to give myself…and probably still would want to. I know all the right things to say…and how I should feel…and let me tell you, I have no intention of saying any of those things.

This blog was meant to be real…(somewhat) and that means somedays just being very real and vulnerable.

When I found out I had cancer I was only partially surprised….with two of my sisters having it I knew my time was soon but honestly I felt I had about seven more years before I would need to worry about it.

When I found out my diagnosis I tried very hard to remain calm and courageous….but I was terrified. I had a surgeon who was confusing even though talented….but did not prepare us for the road ahead. In order to not scare me he downplayed everything….which made me feel like it was no big deal from the beginning….but it was….it was way more than he prepared me for. I sat with his nurse for awhile because I was so confused on my diagnosis ….I felt like a fraud from the beginning….until his nurse said “Jamie, you have cancer, it is not invasive but if we don’t take care of it right away it will be. “ I just felt that from the beginning it was downplayed and I just wanted to know where I stood.

My Radiation oncologist told me my cancer was at a 98 percent will not return rate! She told me I could do this! She hugged me when I was done! She told me to take Benadryl for the itching and to slather on the hydrocortisone. She made me fight hard and get through it.

My hormone therapy oncologist is much like my surgeon….(he is not my favorite) he likes to downplay ….everything….so this is why my brain does what my brain does….

I’m just not sure who I am supposed to believe….i agree we should not panic….but is there a place in the in between where we can say…this is hard and I am proud of you for doing it! Go you! Is that out of the mix? I’m not saying I need them to say it everyday or every visit….but just once….just once can we agree that no matter the stage of cancer….it just sucks?

Looking back….I feel that it is my nature to downplay things…not allow myself to enjoy what I have overcome or feel a sense of accomplishment.

I recently got a tattoo symbolizing the old me and the beauty of the new me…and the beauty of strength with overcoming something so very difficult.

I like to say things like well….I didn’t have chemo so it’s not as big of a deal….I didn’t have a double mastectomy so somehow it does not count?

It’s like the same thing I did when my first husband died…

Since we were separated I guess people thought it wouldn’t hurt as much? Like raising my son by myself wouldn’t be as hard since we were separated?

I realized….that is just what I do. I listen to people who don’t know me or care about me and act like that’s just the general consensus.

Having a lumpectomy was not an easy road….dealing with vertigo during radiation was not fun. Having severe burn during radiation was freakin hard….being tired from all of it was a lot. Knowing that life still required me to keep going and moving and not rest properly (not well done) then dealing with lymphedema (still doing that) and then having to get used to the drug tamoxifen all while running a business and raising a kid…and having a husband and navigating life. I actually played keyboard at my church while dealing with vertigo…..seriously.

Those are hard things….and they should be celebrated….

Turning 50….kicking cancers ass….these are things that as my pink sisters would say….make me a badass…..which I whisper to myself a lot lately. Having my other friends rooting for me…but somehow those that know what it’s like to hear e the cancer diagnosis makes me perhaps believe it….like…if they said it…it must be true!

Cancer sucks….we all agree with this….different levels don’t require bigger medals…..

And it’s ok to just not be ok.

There is no competition for cancer….we all just want to win.

I will start trying to give myself some credit instead of constant self doubt

When I started radiation…..I promised myself I would celebrate the end with a tattoo. For many weeks and several months I tried to come up with a saying….

Many people write…Brave….or fearless….strong….fighter….I am none of those things.

I fight quietly….I get through it…I get up…and keep getting up….

I cry to myself….I cry to my friends….I cry to the nurses….

Today, I said goodbye to my huge scar across my breast and the small one above it where they took 5 lymph nodes. I said goodbye to vertigo and 20 rounds of radiation. I can’t say goodbye to lymphedema yet or tamoxifen but I can say I know how to deal with it better now.

I said goodbye to the woman I once was..the one who could hike and row and never thought anything of it. I said goodbye to the woman who did activities she didn’t really understand were precious..::

Today I marked….that I’m here. I can see my kids…my husband….my friends my family….

I can still clown …I can still go on trips…I can still enjoy this beautiful life.

Sunsets now are prettier. Rivers sound better and hugs feel safer.

I am not the same…my body doesn’t look the same….

I am not sure if it will come back….I personally believe it will do all it can to come back….but I am not easily overtaken….

There are no guarantees in life….

Enjoy your life….and relish in the fact….that you are still here.