Sunday at church I sat and enjoyed the beautiful stained glass….there is another set of windows I will get some day…but I didn’t want to be obnoxious….
The songs this church sings….I do not know…but I do know I like them…and for now taking a step back and not being involved in worship is just the thing my spirit needs….
I will always remember the beautiful experience of bringing a congregation to the throne by leading through worship….I am forever grateful for the opportunity for over two years that I had to do so.
With all the noise of this world…I am so glad to have a place where I can rest…my soul can really rest…in a place where I see the hand of God.
I hope tomorrow as well all go to the polls on one of our most significant elections that we will be able to rest in the idea…and knowing that God is in control of it all.
Saturday, I walked with a friend of mine for my fave 5K of the year.
It is absolutely my favorite race to run. It is a very hard course.::with brutal hills…in years past I have run/walked….but this year we ran down one hill…and walked the rest….it took one hour to complete. Back when I ran a lot…most of my 5Ks were around 30 minutes…but that was then.
The day was lovely….my Louie won a prize for best dressed pet….and even though I wanted a donut very much at the end…I resisted.
There are days that I want to be done taking this cancer drug….I say things to myself like “am I really living?” I am soo tired and my body just hurts all the time.
My husband tells me to stretch….I try to tell him that the drug makes your body ache…and no stretch is going to fix it!
I hate the way I feel…I hate the way it hurts and how hard my body has to work to just do the things I used to.
But somehow….this life is worth being here for….
Life is better than a donut….it is better than sugar in my coffee.
Seeing the sun come up over my city on a lovely walk through downtown is absolutely better.
All the adventures of life are better….
How do you move past the pain when you have always been able to function with no issues whatsoever? I am still learning….
I will keep pushing….it will get better…I must believe it.
When we got to the a retirement Home, Dad had been asleep. When you wake up a dementia patient they have difficulty knowing what is reality and what was a dream. The first hour was brutal and difficult and I wanted to run away. It is never fun to watch your once very strong father cry…and that is all I will say about that.
We got him distracted with a Pepsi…for whatever reason, he’s obsessed with them. The colder, the better. The nurses tell me they bribe him to get out of bed with one…and you know what that’s ok.
My Dad has been getting up around 5 am ever since I could remember. He’s always been a Folgers man. Takes his coffee black and hot…and that’s how it always was. If he was feeling fancy we would have Maxwell House.
This was me and my Dad in 2019
The retirement home Dad is in right now we don’t love but the nurses are very sweet and Dad likes to try to take off at night so we have to have a lock down facility. He is taken care of and he is clean and they are good to him.
My Dad has now taken it upon himself to make sure that the nurses know that his daughters are all teens and someday he might let us all get married…he’s not sure about that.
He apparently talks a lot about me and my sister Ronda and Kathie which made me so happy.
Yesterday for the first time in a year he said my name and he recognized me. I asked him who I was named after and he pointed to himself and said ME!
We were trying to move him to another facility but there are none that are lock down so now we are going to start moving some stuff in there he likes…whether my Mother likes it or not. She gets upset because she keeps saying she can take him home and take care of him….but she cannot. So why we try to help our Father out….our Mother is making life just as difficult….and so it goes.
We will continue to press on, and for today we are grateful for good laughter with the nurses….and that for today…Dad remembered my name.
I am in Colorado Springs right now for a Conference. I was able to enjoy Friday as we were able to see Garden of Gods.
Not sure if you’ve ever seen it, but it is magical!
I was grateful to be able to take the 2 mile hike. Grateful to be able to climb up the rocks. Grateful to have the energy to do it.
Today, I completed day one of my Diamond Training class….one more day before we head back tomorrow night…..
My heart is grateful….trying to find good in all things.
Colorado was a bit chilly yesterday for my standards…..glad they got their act together today and it’s looking better by tomorrow….happy to be headed home very soon.
Friday, after work I went to Hobby Lobby and got some amazing decor for my jewelry store….I truly cannot wait…my brain will not stop working on all the ways I am going to use these…
I then went to get some tulle for wrapping…..and for the last four years I have complained about glitter everywhere on this certain type of ribbon (blame all my years of homeschooling) we all detest glitter! This year however, if it makes my staff happy….does glitter really ruin it? Will life stop if there is glitter?
Today, was my one day off this week as there will be a very big conference I will be headed to…and I had to make today count…
My daughter and I cleaned out half of the basement…got rid of so much crap….how do we get all that? I then cleaned the house…did some baking….apple butter….sourdough bread….cut up soap. My husband warned me when he left for the day not to over do it…..
Today….I just did it because I could….
I felt like adding more bats….so I did…
I wanted to make my sour dough bread with a pumpkin shaped on top….
Turn to the side please
I wanted to make apple butter….so I did ….pumpkin chocolate chip muffins….I made beef stew….
Then I cut up some beautiful soap I just made….
How is it that when we go through scary things and come through that we go right back to our old habits?
That grateful spirit for life and simple things goes out the window almost immediately….its like a constant fight to keep gratefulness and joy as something I choose each day.
Today my body felt like it used to. I never could do all that I did today four months ago….and today O thankfully remembered that.
This week is busy….but instead of wishing the week over….what if each day we decided we would be thankful that we get to live it.
That we get to be here…that we get to enjoy fall and all the amazing things we are seeing right now…
When my daughter was four….my Dad made an identical playhouse to the one that I had as a small girl. I loved that playhouse.
My Dad cut a heart in my playhouse when I was little using an old heart chocolate candy box…it was always my favorite feature in my playhouse and my daughter loved hers as well.
She enjoyed thinking she was helping him as he built it!
I will always remember his strong hands and how he could build anything.
My son after we primed it one day
This was the original….
My husband had to tear it down because it’s rotting….I stuck my head in the sand for too long. I could have given it to someone else but I did not want to think about it. Even though he warned me he was tearing it down….I felt like I was punched in the gut when I saw this…
But my heart rejoiced when I saw this…..
That’s all I need…..a reminder of my Dad and his love for me and his granddaughter. in a time when life made sense and I had no idea how lucky I was.
So for now…..she goes in my garden with a spotlight shining on her…..because that’s where I want it….
I am lucky to have a Dad who loved me like he did….and even though he doesn’t know me anymore when he sees me….he does know he likes me…because love can be felt…it can be sensed….it needs no explanation….it just is.
Today I was able to stay home the entire day and complete projects and work from home and it was as absolutely divine as you can imagine. I was even able to finally get back on my rowing machine today and that felt really good to do.
We had an extremely busy weekend but absolutely all good things. The week was busy with three separate doctor appointments and then followed by a test that was a piece of cake but still nerve wracking….then I was able to have some fun.
I clowned at a huge Carnival for a local school and did a ton of balloons and I loved it soo much.
Then the next morning we walked for the Paint the Parkway Pink walk and I was able to walk with friends and family….
It was nice to walk with my sister….we did this walk back in 2012 for her right after she had finished chemo..
And then we did it again on Saturday.
It felt odd this year to be given a survivor bag….and I looked out at the crowd of women carrying the same bag. It gave me hope….but it made me sad that so many women have suffered but so thankful we are all still here.
That night we went to a wedding of one of our staff members and it was lovely to be together outside of work.
Today felt weird….as happy as I was to have beautiful weather and a day to accomplish all I wanted with no appointments, my heart is heavy for the people who live in the areas that I loved and lived as a college kid. My heart has been heavy….and my prayers go out to my dear friends that live in Florida and I am praying that this storm just veers away….and my friends will be safe and sound.
It felt weird just doing normal things like making ghosts for my front porch ….but I know I can’t do anything but pray.
I think the hardest part of trials is when you watch someone else walk it….I always want to take away the pain of others (well most people). I can’t stand to see people suffer.
When I walk through a trial it’s one thing but to watch others do it is completely different.
I feel all of us are in this position right now…no matter if it’s a hurricane you are living through or a loss of a job, a sudden serious illness, a parent who is failing in health….a child who is sick….we all play this game… it is called life.
We are all incredibly strong….and we can do incredibly hard things.
My father is dying….my time with him is short….
But I can still clown at a carnival and make kiddos smile….
It’s this place I practice going to…it’s where I went during cancer treatments….
It’s called my survival mode…..
Today I made ghosts….
And soap..:
And I made meatloaf, and scrubbed floors and did laundry and other things that must be done.
In the mundane I find peace….and I know that He will make all things new again.
This pain of this life will only last for a bit….
Find joy when it’s hard to do so….that’s when you need it most!
I wish I could write a fabulous blog post with sunny days and pumpkin pleasure….for now….I write what is my life.
Life was never promised, life was never supposed to be easy…life is a gift and there are years that are easy…and I wish I would have taken the time to really cherish those days. Instead I felt those days were owed to me….and never took the time to truly embrace them.
This week I have worked a lot with one more day to do so….I have been to the cancer center for appointments three separate times…I have driven to a town far away to see my Dad who doesn’t know me right now….
However, this week this is what I will concentrate on. I am grateful to have had a Dad who I loved with all my heart and was always goodness and kindness to me and took care of me always. I will never forget how much I loved my Dad.
I am grateful for loving nurses and an amazing staff at the Cancer Center who treat me with love and respect every time I enter their doors and always remember my name.
I am grateful for medicine that gives me life….allows me to clown at school carnivals in the fall….and walk with friends. I am grateful to be able to go to weddings and the lake with friends.
I am grateful for fall days and pumpkins and perfect weather and the perfect shade of mustard for my front door.
I absolutely thought that once radiation was over I would recover and leave this cancer stuff behind….I had no idea I would have to see my doctors as often as I have….none.
How do you make this normal? I guess it’s like everything….you adapt….you regroup…you press on.
There are days I pout….today I seriously considered something radical so I didn’t have to take this medicine….but in the end I regained my senses. .
Count the gifts….do it on the days you don’t feel like it ….when you drive home from the Rest Home to see your Dad who didn’t know you….the days your arm hurts, your body aches and you are so tired you want to sleep forever.
Life is an amazing gift either way amazing experiences….there is more for me to do. Press on!
I cried a lot last night….went to bed too late….alarm went off and my body said….nope. I got up at 6:15….annoyed. Got to work at 8 instead of 7:30….on my day off because that’s how it rolls when you own your own business.
Accomplished a lot in two hours and then headed to the cancer center to pick up my solution to drink for the CT Scan. I should stop in there everyday…the three receptionist still have their chickens…still remember me…compliment me….they are special. They remember the names of all the cancer patients that walk through those doors…and they made something scary feel like it would be ok.
Made it through my CT scan with flying colors….weirdest sensation ever….I thought I had peed my pants but the nurse assured me I indeed had not…my scan was clear….and that’s a relief.
I look back at the last seven months and the things that used to bother me that now I do not think about.
This place now gives me comfort….it is like a club we never wanted to join but all the nurses I have ever had here have been such a treasure….I have to meet with two oncologist this week….and it no longer bothers me.
These don’t bother me….and I am glad for pretty tattoos…they hide the blood.
Right now I feel like I am on a ship that is sinking very slowly….things aren’t bad….they aren’t awful…they are just hard. There is no security in anything. I feel that everything is uncertain. I can’t think of my Dad without crying so I do my best to not think about him.
I worry about the store and groceries and bills…like every other American does right now and I wonder will it always feel this way?
I think back to Covid and I feel as I did during that time….very uncertain…..
How do you find peace and joy in uncertain times and uncertain budgets? How do you not have your stomach wadded into worry daily…..
You count the gifts….you keep going….you enjoy…mums ♥️
Today I went to see my Dad….I went to pick up my Mom and then the two of us along with my daughter, made the short trek.
The nurses are familiar with is. I have been pleased with how kind they are to him…
Dad is not eating well. Today he slept a lot during our visit and didn’t know me at all. He recognized Mom. I thought he would get excited about the Chiefs game…but he was not.
I had my son FaceTime and for the first time ever he didn’t know my son….it was hard for him I could tell.
Trey tried to talk Royals making it to the Playoffs on such a long time and he was not interested…which is so ridiculously unusual.
When you deal with a parent with dementia you go through this hell that is indescribable. I am not sure what is more painful than your parent not recognizing you at all….and then bit by bit….all the things you talked about with them….slowly get pulled away from their memory.
Memories you had….they don’t remember. So you sit there and watch them sleep….and wish you could talk to them.
You have visitors who come in uninvited due to them not knowing where they should be as well…my daughter once again jumped right up and helped the sweet little lady find her way back to her room.
Dad wanted to sleep in his bed but I had to deny him that due to it being too close to dinner and he has not been eating well.
So I wheeled him down in the wheelchair ….knowing he probably won’t eat tonight…because I am like him…when I am sad I do not eat…but when I am happy and stress free I certainly enjoy food.
So on the long drive home my daughter slept which gave me time to be alone with my thoughts. It was the golden hour..my favorite time of day…and all the memories of childhood came back. My Dad in his grey Chevy truck. His arm always out the window so it was always darker than the other. We would talk about everything. We would sing silly songs…..when we would get home I would do homework and then eat and then do chores. Sometimes I got to help feed the horses…and the stupid goat Ellie May….i named my goat something sensible like Heidi…and my sister named hers Happy. Even though she is eight years older than I I found that name to be so silly…Heidi made perfect sense…doesn’t anyone read anymore?
Dad could talk long and hard at anyone with anyone….and now ….that person doesn’t exist.
When I got home my husband asked me if I was ok….I shook my head yes….:
However….as it always goes….11:00 at night my tears began to flow..:and here I sit on my couch at 12:24 on a Sunday night….knowing 5 am comes quickly….
And I am thankful for the memories….but Dementia I hate you sooo much!
The cake my Mom made when I was four. She made all our cakes growing up….that one had clowns on it and I’ve been smitten ever since!
The Reluctant Red Nose 