I do not talk about my old high-school often. It is hard to explain it….when I do…I feel that people get man confused with Jesus, and even though Christian was used in the name of our school….most of us knew that God was not pleased.
There were years of abuse for many students. Teachers and principals who disciplined with no love. I saw fellow students yelled at and thrown up against lockers. We had demerits and they were given for talking too much, chewing gum…I can’t tell you how many I received for chewing pen caps.
I was in trouble constantly….told that I was bad and that my heart was impure. I was told I wouldn’t amount to anything….and so it is with strange feelings that I felt when I saw these….
In a strange way it makes me happy….this place can’t hurt any others.
The rest of us still struggle….some got out without scratch….others walked away from God entirely….
I struggled with my faith but when my first husband died I felt the presence of God and He has walked me through one fiery trial after another…He is real….He is love…He will not allow evil to prevail in His name. He has nothing to do with that school….legalism did…
A verse we said daily at school “whether you eat or drink or whatsoever you do….do all to the glory of God.”
I have wondered often….how did the leadership say that without being convicted of how they treated students….all in the name of Jesus……
I think this vacation was harder for us to come home because we don’t normally get a full vacation. We have never experienced a vacation where employees didn’t bother us…it was irritating because we were bothered by ones that don’t even work for us anymore….and they both knew we were on vacation….but this is how it always seems to go.
Idaho is a mix of Arizona and Colorado and unless you’ve been there you just can’t understand it. The beauty of nature is everywhere….
We live in a town with lots of trees so we enjoy the beauty of fall but we don’t have this….
I felt like I could breathe….coffee tasted better….and my stress went away. I could feel my body relaxing.
Today I picked up the dogs, had a grocery order delivered, we got laundry done, we unpacked suitcases. Made lists for next week….and so it goes.
I went out to check on my flowers….the deer figured out how to eat two more of my dahlias but one survived…
Thanks to my neighbor my mums survived….
Projects are lined up for this week..::and we have a lot to accomplish this week and next….hoping to hold on to that Idaho feeling a bit longer….
I am in Idaho right now…we are here for a wedding…and it has been lovely. The next few days we will be sightseeing.
I am reminded how life has its ups and downs and it’s important to make sure that in life we are there to support people in the happy moments and the sad moments of life.
It would be easy for many to focus on hardships and terrible things we go through in life. I think many of us feel like the difficulties of life are even harder when we are around beautiful moments of someone’s life.
Focusing on ourselves instead of the beauty of an amazing moment on someone’s life is one of the most selfish things you can do.
One day, one event….surely we as a people can focus on someone else but ourselves for that day can’t we?
I remember in elementary school we had a friend whose Mom made awesome Bible covers for our Bibles…
I went to a private school and we had Bible class daily and chapel weekly….having a cool Bible cover was the ultimate calling card in the 6th grade. We coveted these and they were given as birthday presents and we all just adored them. Finally it was my birthday and I was soo excited….I went to open my gift and it wasn’t a Bible cover…it was a lovely stuffed bear and I loved it but I was soo confused in that moment. My expectation was for a coveted prize (it is not lost on me we should not be covetous and that’s in the Bible)
Now why do I bring that up? I truly have no idea why this memory popped into my head as it was literally 40 years ago….but I believe even as a kid I understood that focusing on the fact I didn’t get that Bible cover was a mistake. Instead my friend gave me a wonderful gift and my Mother who was a wonderful seamstress had made me a very beautiful Bible cover as well…so really I was luckier.
It is sooo easy to look at other and be sad at our own circumstances.
Why do they get to drive a Bentley and I drive a Nissan? Why do I have health problems and others eat sugar and never deal with any health issues?
Why are some people pretty? Others struggle in that department…..you name it….
But when you find yourself being the one that sucks the joy from all the rooms that happiness tries to go because you have not accepted the road you will travel…you will never be happy.
Last night I videotaped my family dancing and laughing and being together….and I beamed the whole time….because happiness and joy are all around us…don’t let the lies destroy your soul.
There is a time to cry…and there is a time to fight…but there is a time to heal…and joy always brings healing….
Today I was able to return to one of my fave things on the planet.
Eight months ago after meticulously planning and scheduling a few schools….I had to cancel every single appointment and I was very angry….
Since that day every single cancer surgery…treatment…this was one of the goals…to get back to Red Nose Readers.
After the three groups of kiddos today I came home and did some household chores and then collapsed on my couch and took a 30 minute nap. ….but I would change nothing…I wouldn’t take one less kid…I wouldn’t take one less class….I would not change a thing. Listening to them laugh was medicine…and my favorite kind.
Children will be honest with you…if they don’t like your program they will tell you…if they don’t like your costume they will tell you.
But thankfully, I was their jam today…and they want me to come back…and that is always the goal.
I will never be the most skilled and talented clown you have ever seen….but I will keep trying….and I will keep fighting.
Some days I feel we have lost this next generation….but other days I see….they just want to be loved…they just need to laugh…and as long as I am breathing….I will make it my life goal…to do just that!!!
Tonight we started back with our church group that we are very close to….we have about twelve of us in a group and these people are like family….they know my secrets….they know what makes me tick…and in spite of that they still love me.
Today was a hard day of owning a business…and I would love nothing more than to live in a cabin in the woods far from television…and debates. I would love to make soap every day and just sip coffee in the morning…but that isn’t reality.
There will always be people who lie about you…and hate you….and they will feel that those lies are true and will repeat it to all sorts of people around you…
There is a reason why women dislike other women. We tend to be jealous of success or when someone is in power. We say we support others but we spread lies, stir the pot, gossip, say mean things…attack appearances and then say…they can’t figure out why women build walls.
I learned long ago how to build your support team and who you needed on that team.
You need someone/ or a group of someone’s who will tell you the truth. Someone who will see your vulnerabilities and still love you. You need a cheerleader. Someone who respects you and your talents. Someone who will compliment your successes and cheer for you.
Women who ask about you when you don’t feel like talking. Women who check on you when you have cancer treatments instead of taking from you.
Women who know when you are talking but not saying everything you mean….women who know you are struggling and make it their mission to pull you up.
You do not need a large group….I have found the larger the group the bigger the betrayal….
I have close friends from all walks of life and from different areas of my life….
My clown friends and I text almost daily…my close friends from church we try to touch base twice weekly…and my friends from my childhood we check in periodically…..
I want to be a woman who builds up….compliments often. I try to always tell people (even strangers at the airport if I like what they are wearing etc). Compliments are something that are few and I know when I get one it makes my day!
How about we start a women’s movement where we build up. We have mutual respect, we don’t hold grudges. We aren’t mean and spread lies about others…we work things through. We don’t speak ill of someone because of looks or something else they can’t help. How about we applaud women and their successes instead of assuming only men can make decisions. How about we be respectful of women in their positions and not spew hatred about them because they have a leadership role which they never asked for and frankly really didn’t want. Why can’t we as women just be kind? How about we start that movement?
Last night I was hugged and loved on….they know the struggles I am having on this medicine, they know the struggles I am having with my parents…and they know they can’t fix it…but they hug me and they pray for me and there’s nothing more than I can ask.
Today is full of things I must do…people that work for me have no idea of the hours that I put in while not physically at work and….how we never stop working.
Tonight….I clown….and laugh…and leave the burdens that I carry behind. No one promised life would be easy….but no one said we couldn’t laugh as we go….
This is 50….and I am a Gen X….and I know how to pull up my big girl panties….now watch me do just that.
My husband and I went on a short weekend camping adventure this past weekend. There is a sweet camping site about 45 minutes from our house with very clean showers and bathrooms. It actually spoils you and sets the expectation very high for other campgrounds.
The name is Wallace Campground and it has very good memories for us…back in 2019 we decided to go tent camping for the first time in….well…since I was an adult (and that has been a few years).
Now we have outgrown the tent…we need to be able to walk the next day….and I admit…I must have air…or a fan…and a fridge….but most of all I need a real bed…air mattress will not do it anymore.
So we made the step up….and now we feel like we can do things….hook up a trailer and all the things…we are thankful for friends and family who have helped us complete newbies.
There has been a lot going on and this past weekend was no exception….having aging parents while raising a teen whom you homeschool and just taught to drive are not easy….owning your own business and working part time and volunteering makes me feel overwhelmed. Somehow though…the quiet of the woods…helps. Being still….
I have four appointments coming up in the next two weeks. Three of them with my new oncologist…one of them with my Radiation oncologist. If you had told me a year ago that I would have to go to the Cancer Center so much I would have cried…but now…CT scans don’t alarm me…I just keep swimming.
When I was young…I never even thought about cancer or that it would be in my family….we all seemed very invincible….now….
I take each day….and try to figure out what to be thankful for….
Today:
A clean dog x 2
My Dad is doing better at the retirement home and my Mother is doing better as well.
My husband, my children
My business, my staff
We have customers
Clowning and my encouraging clowning friends
Music and being able to play with a praise band.
Upcoming trips…things to look forward to
Fall is coming….
When you start making a list….those awful things in life seem bearable….count the gifts…there are many!
Today I took my dog Ozzie to the groomer….that resulted in four dogs, two cats…all barking…hissing at each other…but we all survived…and that made me think about us as humans…growling and hissing at each other. Fear of the unknown…but then finally figuring out that cats are ok…I guess🥴.
I returned home with a Starbucks Matcha that I used my stars for…and I was heavy hearted…a lot is going on and my heart is so heavy.
When I can’t make things better…I decided to do some things that I haven’t in awhile….
I made some soap…
Isn’t it funny how when your hands are busy, your mind goes to happier places….
I decided to try a new flour in my sourdough…we will see if that works…
Picked some of my flowers and cleaned…
I decided to also go big and clown….There is an event I’m going to that is a fundraiser for a charity they they asked me to clown at awhile ago…I was going to go real lite…but sometimes in life….we need to go big…we need to push ourselves past the comfort zone. I find such freedom when doing that!
I cannot control the mean things people say about me, or to me…or behind my back…but I can control making people laugh.
I can’t change circumstances or I would in a heartbeat, but I can make you think of something else for a moment. I can make you laugh…
I have walked the death of a spouse, breast cancer, and now aging parents….and there is no quick fix. There’s no “getting over it” you have to deal with the new reality each day. It isn’t fair…it will never feel “right”. The ache will lessen but never leave….
The hardest part of being an adult is learning that this is not a race you can stop…you can’t quit the race….you don’t have to keep running…you can walk or jog…you can skip….you can even stomp (somedays I prefer that). You cannot quit…life is a race and none of us know where our finish line is…
I hope when I die you smile when you think of me…I hope you wear a clown nose and laugh on days you don’t feel like it…and I hope that on days you feel like stomping…you remember that you didn’t quit…even though you wanted to.
The Reluctant Red Nose 