The Reluctant Red Nose

I know I’ve been a little down lately, and I apologize for that. I wanted to go into detail about our trip so that you could be prepared if you would like to visit Cozumel.

First thing you should know is we chose Cozumel, because of the fact it was…easy. Flight wasn’t long. Mexico is easy to get in and out of. there is no longer Covid negative tests to get back into the country. Flights weren’t being cancelled right and left like the poor people trying to get to Europe..

Wanted to let you know about our excursions first…and then where we stayed. I do not recommend where we stayed in the least. But more on that on another day….here are my daughter and my top two favorite things we did.

May I also offer some caution. I found it easier to pay with pesos, even though they will accept American currency…but for me, pesos were easier because I could figure out the change back situation much easier in my head than constantly trying to do it in my head. Also, we drank only bottled water and only had ice in our glasses from our resort and those that filtered their water…

Mexican people are very friendly and they are not offended by us asking…

Another thing to keep in mind is most places (this was not the case at our resort) you cannot flush toilet paper…must be put in trash can.

Also, everywhere you go you need to tip…use the public restroom…tip…just easier to have 20 pesos (which is an American dollar) with you always…

Now for the good stuff. We went in July which is not ideal…but we wanted to get away…and Mexico provides a nice getaway.

We decided to go to the choléate factory where we learned how chocolate was made and then made it ourselves…we had an amazing teacher and the whole process was a blast..we were required to wear masks during this whole process but honestly…we didn’t mind and we so loved it!

My favorite was the cactus chocolate…but the cinnamon chocolate is amazing as well…I highly recommend you checking this place out! We loved it!

Will tell you about our second favorite activity tomorrow!

The vet called today letting me know that my dogs ashes were ready to be picked up….I could barely speak as she told me. I couldn’t bear to go today…and I’m not sure I will be able to do it tomorrow.

I should be stronger than I am…but that dog has had my heart from day one.

Charlie was my calm when everything was crazy…Charlie never yelled at me like the teens in my house. He never rolled his eyes..he never said he hated me. Charlie always liked what I was wearing and never judged my makeup…he loved it when I would dress in clown…and sometimes he went with me.

Charlie always greeted me at the door. Charlie always went crazy excited when I come back from a trip…and he loved getting treats. He liked walks and naps and loved it when I rubbed behind his ears. He thought I was the best…and in some weird way…I feel alone now. I miss my friend.

How do you just let something that has been constant for 11 years just go…how do you say…it was just a dog?

I miss how he loved car rides…

I miss how much he loved our customers…

I miss how much he liked our staff….

And how much our staff loved him…

I miss coming down the stairs and seeing him laying in his bed…my routine was Charlie…and I’m out of sorts now that he’s gone…so is my other dog…

The day starts off odd now and ends oddly…the routines we develop and then suddenly stop…are harder to get past then the hurt of the loss…it makes the loss seem greater.

I know Charlie is better off…he isn’t in pain…he isn’t hurting…he could barely walk in the end…but he wanted to stay with us…always…

I feel I betrayed him somehow…and in some weird way I feel he didn’t understand in the end…

I’m mad that our time was cut short…that he was perfectly fine …then all the sudden not…I feel cheated…

I am grateful for his unconditional love and loyalty to me..:I will miss him everyday…

I truly didn’t deserve you Charlie but I pray that you knew you were loved…and that our hearts are broken without you.

Today, I came home from work and my Charlie greeted me at the door. I knew it would be the last time he would ever greet me…

We had just returned from a vacation the week previous…we had made the hard decision to wait until our return to say goodbye.

Charlie was diagnosed with kidney failure at the end of May….the vet said two weeks….Charlie lasted two more months…and would have probably kept going…he was tough.

We knew the way his body was wasting away…how he could not go up the , trouble breathing…not eating much …barely drinking. Not able to have normal bodily functions. He was wasting away…didn’t even look like himself anymore. He was shedding horribly and he had never shed before.

Charlie was just the greatest dog. Everyone who met him loved him. We would take walks people would yell from their cars how much they loved our dog….everyone loved him.

He greeted everyone…he loved everyone…and absolutely no one disliked him. We took him to our store…he even would help out with closing sales…he was really that remarkable.

He was faithful…he was true…he was loyal.

When I was sick he lay beside me…when my Ellie was sick he would lay beside her…he greeted me always with a happy jump…

When you felt you had failed at life…Charlie was there to tell you that you were worth it. That you were worth fighting for. That dog has heard my biggest fears, listened to my cries and heard my biggest secrets….and he’s kept every single one.

I wish I was as good of a person as Charlie was a dog.

As I stood beside him bawling as the vet came in…knowing that he was just going to go to sleep…I wanted to yell no for all the selfish reasons. My dog was tired….he had fulfilled his duty well. He has taken care of our family through many hard times…and many illnesses. I knew it was my time to be brave for him. I needed to let him know we would be ok…that he has done his job of loyal and faithful dog…and we would be ok.

The vet said the final words “he is at peace.” And I felt that that had to be enough….

Someday, when it is my time…I hope that I will have run the race as faithfully as Charlie. I hope that I will have made people smile like my Charlie…

For now…we cry…we miss him. We know that the last four months he wasn’t really himself…

We know that he is in no more pain…and if he was here he would be laying beside us trying to make us feel better because that’s just the kind of dog he was….

We didn’t deserve him….we will miss him forever.

Last night we went shopping for fireworks. As a rule, I don’t normally go…because it depresses me. I see people that clearly shouldn’t be spending money they don’t have…literally buying things so that their money goes up in smoke. We buy fireworks…but we are pretty frugal with what we purchase. As we went through the store…I saw the poppers…the snakes…all the fun things that we bought for our kids when they were little.

4th of July plans were cancelled this year due to some family members being sick…and this year it hits harder than it used to…

Tonight we made the long trek again to my parents house. It’s the 3rd time in two months we have been up there. It’s a long drive…and it’s usually depressing. My dad hasn’t said my name in two months…he remembers my husband and my son and my daughter…but not mine. He knows I’m his daughter…but never says my name anymore…and it weighs heavy on me. It’s not his fault…I’m not mad…just unbelievably sad.

As the days stretch into years…I see the memories of how fast our kids have grown..I find myself feeling guilty for my last child at home…and find myself…wishing that I could go back and freeze those memories. I wish I could go back and hear their voices of when they were little and just sit there with them all and soak that in….but I can’t…I just have to hold onto memories…

As we get older we make adjustments. My family used to always get together for 4th of July. We had homemade ice cream my Dad made …tried to talk to him about it yesterday…he says he doesn’t remember doing that. We always had a big swim party at their house…we all wore those silly Old Navy shirts…and now…those are all memories as well.

My parents sold their house and now they live in a small duplex…and things aren’t bad…just different. New traditions are now made…and with our kids all spread out…it feels emptier…lonely. Trying to find the new normal is hard…and it can be filled with uncertainty.

Life is always a balancing act…and I’ve always felt behind. I feel like I finally find my “groove” and then it changes again…

As a person who likes routine…I find it so aggravating. I thrive on a routine…I am not the “fly by the seat of my pants” kind of person. I delight in knowing what the “plan” is…and sadly, my two children are the same… even days off like today throw me…there’s no agenda. There’s no list to check off and I find myself feeling very incomplete..

I’m at that place in my life…where I don’t want to go anywhere…yet I long for excitement. I find myself having to push myself to do anything. What have I become? I feel tranquility will do me good but then realize that’s the last thing I need. I find myself tired…always…

Two weeks until we go on a real vacation…and I trust and pray that will bring the rejuvenation that I need.

I feel that we never seem to just have fun…relax…there’s always an “agenda”. I miss those days of just letting it all go…let the day unfold how it will. Let the beauty of life surround us. Let the pain and hurt of things we can’t change, go. Embrace what is before us and be willing to change the ”routine” of life.

This life is a beautiful web of pain and beauty. It comes with great loss…great lessons lead to deep wisdom. That wisdom learns to accept the change of life and embrace each day for what it is…a gift…more time with people you love and cherish…

The littles have all left the house…the journey before me is new…uncertain…but I’m going to try to embrace it…

Let the pain of the here and now subside…look forward for what is…and move towards the hope that we have. That someday this pain of this life will be over…and all things will be restored and made new.

Last week I dropped my son off at the airport. He was headed to Chicago to begin his grown up job…I held it together until the sign that read….airport exit. Then, I just cried all the way home.

There is just something about your firstborn…he was the first to call me Mamma. He was my cuddle bug. He loved naps..he loved his paci and his bluie (blanket that was blue duh).

When he was 9 months old he and I set off on an adventure of our own. I sat and rocked him in his adorable nursery that I had worked tirelessly on…and I packed our bags and left. My husband at the time was inviting others into our marriage…wasn’t coming home at all…and was blaming me…for merely existing. After seeing help from my church and receiving no assistance I left, and went into the arms of my family…and I never looked back.

Over those next three years I will only say to you that l did my very best to provide the best for him…and he helped me through the days I didn’t want to go on…he was special…he is special.

Every parent of every child believes their child is special…because all of them are.

This past week he had to grow up fast…being in a busy city he met the worst and the best of people…and there were days he wanted to leave….but we kept encouraging him to press on.

Yesterday, he called me from his new apartment….and I smiled from ear to ear. All his hard work in school just paid off. He is where he was meant to be…he is so proud of what he has…and it was such an incredible moment.

We as parents, wish the best for our kids and when they finally accomplish those goals I just cannot explain the relief and the joy I get from watching my children succeed. I’m so grateful and so thankful.

I can honestly tell you that there were days that ended in tears through his teen years. Drop off at college was not sad for either one of us…he was happy to be away from us and we were thrilled to be away from him. As I spoke to more parents, I became aware that this is not unusual…that many felt the same way.

There were days I felt like a complete failure as a mother. I would lose my temper…say things I should not. I gave in when I should have held firm…I allowed mediocrity when I should have pushed harder.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent. There are circumstances that are difficult and at the time we make the best decisions we possibly can at the time…and sometimes we make good ones…and sometimes we fall on our faces.

As I get ready to raise the last of our four kids..my husband and I are trying NOT to make the same mistakes with her that we did with the other three. We hope to do a better job with our last baby to leave the nest.

For those of you in the trenches…keep on keeping on…you are not alone. Just keep swimming!

Yes, I confess…I began a title with the forbidden word…and…oh well.

This past month went by in a flurry of activity..:

My daughter turned 15…

My son graduated from Mizzou….

My parents moved away….

We celebrated Mother’s Day and violin recitals….

My stepdaughter got engaged….

I turned 48 and celebrated at a weekend getaway….

And now I find myself….tired.

I can’t explain to you what it’s like to have adult children and one teen left…it feels like everything everyday is a tightrope walk.

I remember the bags of snacks and soppy cups. I remember the days of changes of clothes and sunscreen and bug spray…bandaids and neosporin…and I remember the vomit…so much vomit always. Why? Why with every car trip no matter what…we had some sort of throw up.

Then all the sudden…we switch to everything all at once changing.

When my daughter turned 15…I didn’t cry. When my son walked across the stage as a college graduate…I didn’t cry. When the vet told me my dog was 12 (in my head he was 8 and holding) I cried.

I cried because I felt like…somehow the universe had sped up..and I missed it all. I didn’t do all the things I wanted to do on my way to trying to keep all the plates spinning…somehow…I had missed out.

I felt guilt…and sadness. Then I realized, that no matter what…everyone feels that way. On our way to “adulting” we missed a game because of obligations at work.

After having three adult children one thing I have realized….running myself ragged with all the sports and all the things…is not worth it. We told each child to pick one thing…one sport…one instrument and we would do that..and that’s what we did. I have no regrets. I am not judging anyone…but my children k ew that they could say enough..and I would listen. My kids like some downtime…and I respect that.

Soon enough, my 15 year old won’t be able to just sit around and paint. She will have a job and pay bills…and life will seem so overwhelming…so why do that when they are home with obligations?

As I have watched three walk out my door..:and I’ve made mistakes with all three…one thing I’ve decided to do with #4. Say yea when possible..::and no to overwhelming commitments that don’t allow any downtime…or creativity.

Life and Covid have taught me…it’s ok to not do anything for a day…it’s really ok.

Tonight our air is out….fans are blowing…memories are returning of childhood. Hardly anyone I know grew up with central air…and who were you really if you didn’t have a fan that you could talk like a robot into.

Saturday night, I was at my parents house celebrating Mother’s Day…and I came across these beauties…

I was four in this picture…and yes, the wallpaper behind me was amazing…and my Mother always made my cakes. Store bought cakes were unheard of. This particular one was a circus cake and had clowns on it…and I loved it…

I am the fifth daughter….and I was born after my first niece…and then after I was born…two years later I had another niece and then two years after that…another…then a nephew…you get the idea….there were a lot of us…and fifth child…was overlooked. No worries…I was loud…and always heard…still remains true.

My childhood was a happy one from what I can recall….

Being in a big family there was always a birthday…I loved school…loved swimming and camping…loved to sing…loved my dolls…loved Christmas…

Mothers Day always brings all these things s to mind….good things and bad. hard times and things that shaped is….regret as a mother and stepmother is long and I do have many regrets…

But I also have things I’m proud of… I’m proud of being a single mom and holding it together…being able to provide for my son..on my own.

I’m proud of figuring out how to blend a family…I really wish I would have done it better…but I do believe healing is possible and reconciliation can come.

I’m proud of having yet another teen…and learning how to do things completely differently then with the other three kids…and hoping for change…for myself and for her.

I look back at my own childhood…raised by a mother who she herself had a very sad childhood…doing the best she could with a kid that just was not easy.

I can lay awake each night for all the mistakes I made…but in the end…we are all doing the best we can…

I made the decisions I did at the time…truly believing it was in the best interest of my home…and I believe that’s what a lot of Mothers and stepmothers have done.

There are hardly any books telling you how to get along with your husbands ex-wife. There is not a lot of good advice on how to raise your stepdaughters. It is just unbelievably difficult. Unless you have been there, it’s impossible to explain.

It’s also hard to be a step kid and have to do a delicate dance between all the people….and for that…I’m truly sorry.

I don’t know much…but I do know…whatever role of Mom you play…it’s hard. Mistakes will be made…learn to say sorry…learn from your mistakes…know that sometimes we all need to heal for awhile…and then come back together.

Keep on going…it’s never to late….to fix things…and have a wonderful relationship!

I think the Pandemic did me in….I thought I made it through untouched but no..:

Like many of you, I looked at two weeks of being off from work as a time to get a million things done…and I did get a lot done…but then reality hit…and I realized that we had to reinvent ourselves and our store…so there was no relaxing or sleeping in…it was just mere survival. We figured it out and we made it through.

We all struggled…we learned to keep our mouths shut…learned that some could not…and learned that others really had some strange ideas. We all realized we are in no way prepared for an actual tragedy…and given the fact that we barely could go a day without visiting a grocery store…I doubt we as Americans k ow anything about true “survival”. Here’s me with my hand raised…just not sure how to make it without finding a brownie mix and eggs…but anyway…I digress.

We all learned how much we missed each other…and those people we didn’t. We learned how lonely life can be without each other. How much we missed the sounds of laughter and children…and a crowd singing…it truly was remarkable how much I missed it.

As we have all struggled back…some of us with great loss…others of us with great lessons …I admit…I’m still struggling.

I think somehow I got off the road and I’m struggling to get back….I seem to be close but not there. I can hear you all talking…but I can’t see you clearly.

I’m tired….I’m tired of trying to make people laugh….I’m tired of explaining why….I feel used up and stale. I need new tricks but no time to learn them…I need to embrace my Ukelele and be able to do all these new things…but I’m constantly lost…I’m constantly running out of time…I’m given another task…and then another…and this love of mine called clowning gets pushed back further and further. I thought I could keep up…but now requests come faster and faster and more and more…and I’m tired…and I don’t know how to keep up…so I don’t…

I’ve had to say no to some events and others I’m trying to say yes…my husband reminded me that nothing good ever comes easy. I wish he was wrong…but as usual…he’s right.

Sometimes what worked before no longer works..sometimes…all that’s needed is a refresh. Refresh at home….refresh your “clown”.

Sadly, movies have changed my beloved characters…some kiddos still like my big characters but sadly…many don’t…so for the sake of laughter…we update…we change…we reinvent.

If we learned anything from 2020…and even in 2021….is that certain things that worked before…do not any longer. Change doesn’t always seem to be what we want…but sometimes it is what we need…

So, Miss Dot continues to be reinvented….and someday….that will be enough for me.

I should be sleeping….but I’m still mad at the events of the day. I slept in until 7:30 today, instead of getting up and going to the gym and working out. Today was my one day with no plans and I could just relax and I did…and it was a mistake.

We had one appointment today and that appointment went not the way I would have wanted…and I was treated very rudely. It set me off for the entire day.

The weather is annoying…so cold, windy…and doesn’t feel like spring. Little irritations occurring…and I confess….I melted down.

My melt downs vary. Sometimes I’m dramatic and crying (I usually blame those on hormones). Other times I get mad and need to go take out my frustrations on a rowing machine…other days like today….I am…Eyore. Let me tell ya, I was “Eyoreing” (not really a word I know) with the best of them.

A project I want done right now I can’t get done because I’m married to a perfectionist. Cakes I ordered have a delivery time issue. People are wanting me to help with things I cannot and said I could not…but yet…still expect me to do. Last but not least my firstborn son is leaving….he’s moving on….and I’m just not ready…but I have to be.

Nothing I went through today is a true crisis…nothing.

I find that this is when I struggle. I struggle to move past these things. I take hateful comments so personally. I wish I could just brush it off but I can’t…I feel it so deeply.

I hope and pray that someday the little irritations of life will just be little instead of making them so big…

I sometimes wish I could just stay at home and not have to talk with anyone on these kind of days….but sadly….that cannot happen.

Hoping for a better day tomorrow….chin up!

My staff have told me that my life story could be sold to Lifetime. I told them they probably would not take it because no one would believe it.

There are days I feel like I’m on a show that we used to watch called “Hidden Camera.” The new fancy word for it is “you got punked.” There is now probably even a newer phrase…but I can’t tell ya I know what that is.

In life…you will have people talk bad about you. You will have women deceive you, men deceive you…and people just love to watch you fall. When I was younger I had the mentality of “ I will show you!” And then end up getting myself in trouble. What I have noticed as I have gotten older is, Karma does exist…and if you wait around long enough…it really does come around. I’ve watched it…but you don’t ever want to be the person who is happy it does.

As I get older I get smarter….but I still have a lot of wisdom to gain and not as many years to gain it as I would like. So for me, the last couple of years here’s some things I’ve tried to do…and they seem to be working. In a world full of people who want to watch you fail….these are some tips on how to survive:

1. Be someone who can be counted on. Show up when you say you will. Do what you said you would. Follow through. If circumstances prevent it, let the person know as far in advance as possible.

2. When you say your gonna do something, do it to the best of your ability. Don’t do it just to get by…go big or go home!

3. When you show up…look the part….whatever that part may be…do it to the best of your ability.

4. Take care of yourself. Exercise…explore. Be adventurous. Work out.

5. Read books, constantly learn new things….

6. Get involved in your community…don’t just throw money at charities…get your hands dirty.

7. Surround yourself with busy friends…people who are too busy to talk bad about others. Be around the movers and shakers of your community.

8. Give yourself time to smell the coffee…get your nails done…have a massage.

9. Get out of your comfort zone. Whether that’s playing a keyboard in front of your church like you said you would never do….or clowning…or getting involved in a group you said you were too scared to join.

10. Lay the hurt at Jesus feet. There is no one that suffered more lies and more hatred than Jesus…and unlike me…He is perfect. I pick up the hurt of people that they say about me…again and again…but lay it down…lay it down and keep it there.

11. I am not perfect….I have failed at many things in my life…but I can’t live there. After I have apologized…and asked for forgiveness I can only move forward…I can’t stay there paralyzed in what I have failed at.

12. Make the world around you beautiful….paint something…clean something…give something…make someone laugh…the gift of laughter is the best gift I can give right now…and every time I do…I always get more in return.

There are days when the clouds roll in…Satan loves those days…he tells his best lies on those days. Many of us believe him….I’ve been very close…but the sun always comes up…and the problems always work themselves out. Not always how I’ve envisioned or hoped. Sometimes the sun doesn’t shine for awhile…and the mountain in front of me that I just climb seems so unbelievably endless. Do NOT give up…because the way down that mountain will be the most amazing beautiful answer that you have ever seen.

He makes beauty out of ashes…He fixes Broken things….He uses the silliest of people….

Be strong my friend….let them say all the things…keep standing tall….keep being strong. Their lies will be revealed. The injustice will be overcome…just hold on.