The Reluctant Red Nose

Since you are a writer, I’m sure that title annoyed you. While you correct my bad display of grammar…remember that I taught you how to eat with a fork, go potty…and learned that bubbles were a nightmare to my little boy.

Today, as I drove to work…I wondered about what you were doing. We are not in the same time zone…the same state…and you feel a million miles away.

I wondered if you were eating well…if you were making friends. I wondered how you were feeling about yourself…and I wanted to cry.

Watching you grow up has been the most rewarding, yet terrifying…and amazingly sad but proud emotional hurricane I have ever experienced.

From the first time I felt the flutter of you in my stomach…learned that I would be a mother…I have loved you. From the time I held you…checked all your fingers and toes..and kissed them all..I fell in love with you..my beautiful, perfect baby boy.

As you grew ..we were amazed at how quickly and how well you spoke. How you could turn the charm on anyone…and how absolutely ridiculously stubborn you were. I have known you would do great things from that day forward. I had no idea what exactly those things would be.

I loved how you loved Star Wars, and Spider-Man. I loved how you wore your coon skin cap with your Darth Vader cape, while watering your favorite “zinnia” flowers.

I am sorry for things not being ideal for you. I tried to make the passing of your biological father as painless as possible….but did not realize how that truly affected you. I can only say that I hope that you will gain the strength I tried to teach you through the tragedy…and become better for it.

I pray that you will never be to proud to say where you came from. I pray that you will never allow power and money to speak louder than the voice of God and how He guides your conscious. I pray that you will never take your value in only what the followers of your social media are. I pray you will always be someone who looks at others as equals.

I pray that no matter what position in life you have you will never forget the value of your fellow man. I pray that your heart will always be to serve and make the world a better place, not make just your world a better place.

I pray you will always see evil for what it is…evil…and work hard to make sure that it is fought against…that people are protected.

I pray that you will stand tall and firm for what is right. That you will not be influenced by those who say you can’t stand for that…and stand even taller. I pray that you will make a difference…because you were born to make a difference.

I am not sure how big the platform of yours will ever be…but I will say no matter…make the difference where you stand.

For now, I worry…and I pray.

Someday you will have a son…and he will grow up and you will feel all the things that I am feeling. He will break your heart…he will heal your heart. He will make you keep going when you just want to get back into bed. He will make your sorrows worth it. He will make you want to scream. He will fill you with pride…he will make you wish he never had to grow up.

I wish I could go back in time…I would read with you longer…I would take more pictures. I would enjoy my time with you a little more.

Please know…there is no one cheering louder for you in this whole wide world than me for you…And that will never change…no matter how old you get.

I had plans for this weekend…..big plans. I wanted to camp and watch the stars as I fell asleep. I wanted to hike and kayak. However, I live in the Midwest…and the Midwest tells you what you are going to do.

It decided to be 105 (well with the heat index) and this girl is.like a fluffy marshmallow, and will melt. So, my date with a book and a hammock were cancelled. I was NOT happy.

So, I went to plan B….

I went kayaking (even though I had the wrong date and the wrong time 🥴 but thankfully I know the owner and she had mercy on me.😁

My husband and I have found the only way we relax….is to do something active. The big lake with the boats all around…the lapping of the water..:the wind blowing….and everything seems easier to understand. My brain loses the static. I have clear thoughts and a clear vision…noise is gone.

As I paddled, and the pain in my left shoulder began (I have no idea why) I started to think about life…and all the struggles we all deal with. As the pain in my shoulder increased (and I’ve been doing the rowing machine since January so there was no reason for this pain) I wanted to stop in the middle of the lake. I didn’t want to continue. However, I knew…the only way home was to keep going.

I know that is how I feel about life some times. We all do…we all have our burdens…and we just want to stop. I want my dad to be whole again…I don’t want to do through this disease with him called dementia.

I want to let the burdens of work, raising children, the burdens of all the hats I wear and things I juggle…but…

No matter the pain….if I don’t keep going…I won’t get home. For me, my home is not here…it can’t be found on this earth…but it’s where I’m headed when the pain of this life…is behind me.

There are better things that await me…

Keep going…you are not home yet.

Tonight, I laid down trying to go to sleep…clearly that went well since I am still NOT asleep.

My mind was going through inflation…not sure why since I can’t stop it and worrying about it doesn’t help…

Then I remembered back to the 80s. The years I was growing up. I was five…and I remember everyone was always cranky….l remember Carter was President….because my Dad would yell at the tv quite frequently…saying something negative…and then say our Presidents name 🥴.

We lived out in the country…and had the longest commute…it felt like we rode the bus forever, and then our Dad would pick us up in his big chevy truck.

I will not argue about Chevy or Ford….my father is a chevy man. Made my brother n law park his Ford further down the driveway…and when I bought a Toyota, you would have thought I told him I committed a crime and was going to jail.

I personally, I’m not a huge fan of American cars (says the girl who spent half her life by the side of the road with said American cars).

Tonight though, I remember that Chevy truck. The red and black vinyl seats. Don’t even know if we wore seat belts…pretty sure we did not. Dad always put his arm out to catch me..when we stopped suddenly. Said it was habit from my older sisters before seat belts were even a thing.

Dad always drove with the window down…one.arm.on the door, the other holding the wheel.

He would tell my sister and I about work, about his life…what he wanted for us. I was too young to appreciate it…but it’s one of the reasons why I love the “golden hour”. Turning into a gravel driveway with the dog barking at the truck…wondering what Mom made for dinner. The horses at the gate….always a puppy somewhere…and that glorious sunset over the barn.

I choose to remember those days….and the silly jokes my sister and Dad would play on Mom… They both could tell the best jokes…I always messed them up. The stories dad would tell from work…and the tv on after dinner always. Sometimes, if Mom was on some new idea…the summer I churned butter (the only plus was watching tv) or the time we actually had to shuck corn…my hands would hurt so bad. Mother teaching us to freeze corn…..to this day….Not a fan🙈.

There was also the time we picked berries for her jam (sweaty but definitely worth it!) The years we would put up our own pool….never was life better….and the library every week…that was summer.

The Summer our dog ate beets from the composte pile and there were purple lawn ornaments everywhere 😁. The time there were party lines when we called someone. Learning how to ride a bike on gravel….my Dad was over my reasoning on why I could not ride…and literally pushed me down a hill🙈….it worked🥴. Or the time I decided that I indeed could raise a family of mice with just cheese (sadly it rained overnight and that dream came to a sad end). Or the time my niece and I found a bat and put in a jar..but then realized we had to set it free…we did…absolutely terrifying.

This summer…there is still a pool…no jam…tv is still on…Dad is still yelling at the tv…no more funny jokes. No more drives in the chevy truck…no more conversations about work. Horses have been sold and by now no longer living…as well as the dogs and cats. No more churning of butter…no more gardening…the final “golden hour” is upon us…and all those stories….and jokes…I forget…but I won’t forget the laughter.

I won’t forget how my Dad loved nothing more than to laugh…how he sung the best songs. How he could open any jar in the whole world. How he could fix anything and build anything. How I got my straight blonde hair from him….

My sense of humor….and my horrible temper. He wasn’t a violent man…but he could yell. 🥴

How he worked so hard so we could have the best. How he taught me to work hard….and how proud he was to send us to a good school.

This year will be different….a medical bracelet…but some great lemon pie…and hopefully a few laughs…because…

Every morning I wince before looking at my phone. Will I have a full staff today? What problems happened while I was sleeping? Did my son also need me? Did I forget to pay a vendor? Did my mother need something? What…. more can I do?

I don’t remember my parents being busy like parents are today…I don’t remember the weariness…but maybe they were better at hiding it then we are.

I’m tired of people being sick. I’m tired of people being flakey. I’m tired of people not pulling their weight. I’m sick of cleaning up messes…I’m tired of being the person that fixes all the things. I’m tired of planning meals until I die..I’m tired. I’m just tired.

I feel absolutely pulled in a million different places. I’m a mom, a homeschool Mom. I’m a wife, a retail store owner, a soap maker, a plant lover and sometimes a clown. I feel that I fail at everything right now.

Friday, I woke up to the world spinning….and severe stomach cramps….extremely nauseous and waiting for my head to quit pounding. Two days later it finally stopped.

Sometimes, your body just makes you stop…no matter that you want to keep going. No matter you have a ton to do…it just doesn’t care. At times, we feel that we are invincible….that nothing can stop us…and then it does.

How amazing to find that the world kept existing without my holding it together. The sun came up and the sun went down. Life continued and no one barely noticed that I wasn’t around.

We all become so consumed with how important we are. That no one else can do all the things that we do…the correct and right way we do them. Then, all of a sudden…it happens…though it might have been done better…it still got done.

The store kept going, the laundry got done, the band still played…no clowning events were scheduled and dinner still happened.

So many times we think we have to do it all…and if we don’t, we are failures. Sometimes, our bodies just say…enough, and we have no choice but to listen.

Everyone I spoke to about my sudden illness….said the same thing…”stress”. When I say…i got this…and this…and even more of this. But my body says…you need a break. It’s been over three years since I have taken a seven day vacation not work related…and it’s starting to show.

Today, I watched tv….watered my plants, cleaned my kitchen and pulled some weeds….and I have never felt so revived….this weekend….its camping time….and I’m ready for it!

Today, I went to work at my own small business. My father n law started it back in 1948. It was a clock shop then…

My husband took over the business and has turned it into what it is today….

Five years ago, I became more involved in the business with social media, scheduling and various bookkeeping. I also helped with buying, decorating and special events.

When you own a business you think about it everyday, and always how to make it better. You work when you don’t get paid. You stay late and even when you leave early you still are working. You give up family events, time with your kids and vacations…to pour back into the business. True balance is a constant dance.

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Tonight, I went to my favorite plant store. I send all my plant buddies to her. As I walked in she greeted me by name….had my favorite plant ready and chatted with me like I was the only one that mattered.

I’m tired of going into big chain stores, and receiving no attention and little regard for the products that I purchased.

I want to spend my money with people that care about me and care about my experience that I have at their store. I want to be able to let other people know about all these wonderful people that we have in our town. The only way I could think to do that, and at the same time make people smile was to merge my two favorite passions.

I decided that I would use my love of clowning, and I love networking businesses into one week. So, August 1-7 I am devoted to showcasing several small businesses that I think deserve great attention. It is my hope that in doing so people will see all that my town has to offer and all of the wonderful hard-working people that we have here.

It has also been a very difficult year for absolutely everyone. I also wanted to make people smile and laugh and for a moment forget about all the depressing parts of the year 2020.

When you own a small business you work hard because you know if you don’t there isn’t anybody else that will fill in for you. You give your employees the best and you take the worst. Many of the sacrifices that you make your staff will never know. They will never know the late hours that you spend thinking of the next great idea. They will never understand that on every single trip that you take you are always discussing your business and ways to improve it. They will never understand that you have to work extra hard NOT to talk about work when you’re on vacation so that you can actually relax. They will never understand all of the games that you missed of your kids, they will never understand all of the sacrifices that you made so that your dream could come true. That is what owning your own business is all about. Your dreams coming true and working so hard to make that happen.

The more I get out and about the more I figure out that there are more and more businesses that I didn’t even know about. So, this is why I felt that this was such an important task. I am amazed at how it has grown and how many people are excited about it I can’t wait!

I hope that those who are local will give a shout out of support to these local businesses. It really means so much to all of the small business owners who work so hard and have families to support.

Also remember that small businesses put money and time and energy into our communities by working hard and supporting local charities as well. It is a win-win situation to support local businesses.

Oh friends, this week has been so very tiring, but oh soo good.

Today, I embraced my role at my store…the energy today was amazing. If I could have bottled it up I would have.

I believe that there are many people who aren’t living up to their potential. I believe they are doing so, because they do not know what their potential is. I must tell you that I’m still figuring this out…I’m learning how to swim. However, I can say that once you allow people to be in charge of their roles it’s amazing the energy they give to it. Once you give them a title and they know the role they need to fulfill, they will give you their best. Once you recognize them, no matter how trivial the reward, as long as you make a big deal about it, they will work hard.

I know that when people tell me I’m doing good, when they talk about what I’ve done well…it’s so much easier to work harder, stay longer…find more ways to do better.

The most amazing part of this journey is that right now I’m finding that my new role and one of my passions is able to actually be done at the same time. One of the reasons that I didn’t want this new role, is the fact that I didn’t see that ever being able to happen. I thought I would have to give up so much for this role.

As I talked to my husband today, and the amazing transformation I was seeing right before my very eyes…I was amazed…at how something I saw as a huge disappointment, could turn into such a positive experience.

My goal in life is to spread joy….it is to be funny. I don’t like conflict. I hate long meetings. I dislike contests where the same person wins every time. I dislike those that are in charge but won’t let anyone else shine….ever. I dislike people who constantly need approval, and no matter how much you build them up….they still need more. I dislike liars who spread absolute lies with no other intention except to spread discord. I dislike those who constantly have to have the focus on themselves or their families…who can’t doe one moment allow another person to be heard. Last but not least…I hate bad coffee.

If you are a person who can’t listen to someone with empathy but instead have to end the conversation without “one upping” someone…you may want to think about changing that.

We as people, need to show compassion, give a hug (even if you are not a hugger) listen without speaking or offering advice…just listen. Do something nice without expecting to be recognized. Find something to be thankful for…it can even be a pink door you saw on your way to work. Find something nice to say to someone every day.

For those of you that know me….please know that I’m not saying I’m Pollyanna (it hurts to know that some of you reading this don’t know that name🤦🏼‍♀️) I can be a bear….I can get to the negative faster than anyone. I can say hateful words…I can be mean…I can gossip…I can do all those things…but my new position requires that I find a new way to do something.

I’m a week into that new role. The changes we have made seem like just a tweak…but today I heard from everyone how the atmosphere was electric…and for that I’m grateful.

In a team there are many parts and many players…and we all have different jobs to do. There is NOT just one important player. As sad as it is….there is truth to the expression that everyone is replaceable.

I guess my goal, would be to be the one that is irreplaceable…to be the team player that encourages, that builds up…that helps the other stand taller, feel better…and be the best they can be..

In other words….I want to make you smile. To make you feel valued…to make you feel important. To see yourself, as God sees you…a beautiful amazing masterpiece.

It has been a long year. Everyone will agree to that…we have suffered and lost more than I think we even know.

One of the hardest things we have lost is our ability to hug, touch, embrace, and really spend time with people. We have all been alone with our thoughts.

This past week I was given the go ahead to start filling my clown calendar. It is one of the many reasons why I got the Covid shot, because I wanted to be able to visit retirement homes again.

I have come up with about the goofiest character I can…and have thrown in some ridiculous things that I will add tomorrow because we have over a years worth of lost visits to make up for. I’m not sure how many friends I had gotten close to will no longer be there…so I had to come up with some ideas that will keep me in the role of clown.

It never fails…every time before I clown…there are always aggravations. Sometimes I wish I could spend the night next to where I’m gonna clown so I can wake up the next morning, have a great breakfast and get into clown and get right in…but that is not reality.

I yell at my kids, other drivers…I hate being late…and by the time I get to where I’m clowning…I’m so far from feeling funny…it’s so hard to get back into that headspace. I hope that you will say a prayer for me that tomorrow I will be in the clown frame of mind and will stay that way the entire time.

So many people wonder and scratch their heads about why I do what I do…and you are very right. There are many days that I wish I could leave it all behind….just walk away. But I can’t…I’m not complete…I can’t stop doing it…I get depressed…I feel awful in my soul when I can’t do it.

There are so many things we can do with our lives…and I’m here for all the things…but the biggest thing I want you to say when you think of me..:is that you smiled.

When you say that I make you smile…then I know that I’ve made it….

Tomorrow is the big day…I pray it goes well. I pray we laugh instead of cry…I pray we remember that “life is short…I wanna live it well.”

Some things in life we don’t care to do…sometimes life is discouraging. However, if we embrace things in a positive way…it does not change the situation, but helps us appreciate the situation.

I find myself on a new path…but I have to say I’m seeing things happening in a new light. It’s also enabling my passions to be fulfilled as well. Right now I continue to watch how it all unfolds.

Last week I went on an adventure to bring in 47….and as always…circumstances brought disappointment when I returned home…but really..:the disappointment has now disappeared and I’m excited about the changes.

Sometimes we have to climb big mountains…and sometimes what seems like debilitating news…turns into something that was meant to be. That will allow everyone to be happier and more successful and will bring peace and contentment.

Life presents challenges constantly. What I keep trying to find…seems to be constantly at a distance. This has made me pause and wonder…if perhaps that challenge kept presenting itself because I was supposed to take it over. I sometimes feel like I get things that are being almost beaten into my head before I realiZe what task I was meant to do.

I, no matter how old I get..seem to still pout and moan. My comfort zone is the sidelines. My happy place is watching quietly. I don’t always want to be in the limelight. Last night we watched a silly movie…but this one phrase kept sticking with me. “Do you feel this overwhelming sadness everyday. You feel it because you aren’t living to your true potential.”

It’s safer to sit on the sidelines….but my business needs me. It’s more comfortable not be laughed at, instead of being a great big fat clown who has to be in the spotlight…because a quiet clown is a weird clown…and no one likes that. It’s easier to go to church to listen and sing with the music, rather than actually playing in front of people. It’s easier to not visit retirement homes, and places that need joy. It’s easier to just do what we do for our families and shut the rest of the world out…but I cannot. I’m not happy when I just sit on the sidelines…my comfort zone is not my happy zone.

I have learned that sometimes I have to wait and be patient . That I can’t make opportunities happen. I have found that usually the opportunities seem to be even better and bigger than I imagined, if I just let things take care of themselves.

For now, I wait…I have let people know of the opportunities…and a few fun things are headed my way. Now to let God control the new things headed my way.

Sometimes in life there are bumps in the road..we all have had them. Many times there are huge obstacles that seem way to high to overcome. Sometimes those obstacles we get around, and then the same obstacle presents itself over and over again. We try to figure out how to fix it this way, then how to fix it that way…and we keep ending back in the same confusing obstacle.

This is when many of us give up. I know this is how I have felt. Sometimes life lessons have to be dealt with yourself. Sometimes you are the solution, sometimes you don’t want to be the solution. We want someone else to do it. Someone else to be the leader…while we sit and work and do our things.

If I could, I would pull the covers over my head and take a nice long nap…but one thing I have learned over the past three years…Gods best place for me is usually the most uncomfortable place.

I didn’t want to clown….but doors flew open for me to…it was crazy…clowning for me has been that way. When it’s time to be quiet the doors close…when it’s time to go clowning I can barely keep up.

Opportunities have always presented themselves to me with a bit of whining. Every new opportunity I have been given past the age of 30 has been met with quite the groaning.

At age 31…clowning…crying…clowning…finally acceptance. Then came a new baby and caring for four children…clowning still has a pretty big front seat. Then, I had to parent strictly for awhile…and then…the opportunities presented themselves again. Then age 43…clowning took over…and I spent my year clowning at retirement homes, UCP and youth alliance. Leading clowning classes. Being nominated for awards. It was crazy. Then Covid came. Clowning doors closed…and new opportunities presented themselves. At the age of 46…camping became the new opportunity and I whined about that….and kayaking. Then I discovered that I loved them both.

Now, I would like to try my hand at fishing. I will keep you posted on that.

Then at age 46….playing keyboard at church came along. I said no…no no no no ….and then…I just did it….and I haven’t looked back. It’s a joy and humbling to be a part of a ministry that bring people to the throne of God to worship and praise Him, to prepare them for the message. It can be overwhelming.

Now a new challenge presents itself…and I pouted(notice a theme). New opportunities can present themselves and turn into the answer that you always needed. Never quit growing…never quit trying…and never underestimate the power of turning lemons into lemonade.

I take a drive down a favorite road here in my town…and I count the blessings. There have been days lately where that has taken great effort. Right now I go day by day…and sometimes I go half days. I have a favorite house I like to drive by..it’s a cute white house with a pink door and on the door it says hello. There’s a lady that takes walks each day on this road and she sings with her hands spread out…and she doesn’t even care whose watching…she enjoys her music.

This weekend we celebrated my daughters birthday. What made the event even more special is that we had a horrible, awful very bad week last week…and I was just done in.

This time last year there were no parties..just a car caravan of sweet friends…and tears. Tears because none of us knew what the year was going to hold and I’m glad we didn’t know.

Friday night the girls didn’t want to go anywhere. They laughed and screamed and ate and watched movies and built blanket forts and it was glorious to hear. The next day was supposed to be rainy and yucky but the weather held…and we enjoyed mini golf and go karting and I can’t even remember the last time we did it!

For the first time I saw no one with a mask. Everyone outside and laughing and smiling…and I can’t remember the last time that felt so amazing .

I’m so happy to see kids being able to graduate. People having parties again…life being able to resume.

When your day seems hopeless and it all seems over…..I continue with the practice of counting the blessings.

I count the pink doors, the restaurant that now serves sweet tea. The cute dog walking down the street. The yummy taste of Hawaiian shaved ice, chocolate cake, calzones and the fun sensation of pop rocks.

I am grateful for gift baskets from friends for my daughter. Playing keyboard today with the band and enjoying every minute of it. Hugging friends…being missed…being asked to clown….those are the things that help me cope and make it through the very dark days….

The normal and happy days I used to overlook. There were many…and I thought they were owed. It’s funny, when we have it…we don’t get it…until we lose it.

I’m gonna make sure that I embrace and hold onto the happy and normal days for all they are worth.

My Heart is singing…