The Reluctant Red Nose

Today, I went to work at my own small business. My father n law started it back in 1948. It was a clock shop then…

My husband took over the business and has turned it into what it is today….

Five years ago, I became more involved in the business with social media, scheduling and various bookkeeping. I also helped with buying, decorating and special events.

When you own a business you think about it everyday, and always how to make it better. You work when you don’t get paid. You stay late and even when you leave early you still are working. You give up family events, time with your kids and vacations…to pour back into the business. True balance is a constant dance.

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Tonight, I went to my favorite plant store. I send all my plant buddies to her. As I walked in she greeted me by name….had my favorite plant ready and chatted with me like I was the only one that mattered.

I’m tired of going into big chain stores, and receiving no attention and little regard for the products that I purchased.

I want to spend my money with people that care about me and care about my experience that I have at their store. I want to be able to let other people know about all these wonderful people that we have in our town. The only way I could think to do that, and at the same time make people smile was to merge my two favorite passions.

I decided that I would use my love of clowning, and I love networking businesses into one week. So, August 1-7 I am devoted to showcasing several small businesses that I think deserve great attention. It is my hope that in doing so people will see all that my town has to offer and all of the wonderful hard-working people that we have here.

It has also been a very difficult year for absolutely everyone. I also wanted to make people smile and laugh and for a moment forget about all the depressing parts of the year 2020.

When you own a small business you work hard because you know if you don’t there isn’t anybody else that will fill in for you. You give your employees the best and you take the worst. Many of the sacrifices that you make your staff will never know. They will never know the late hours that you spend thinking of the next great idea. They will never understand that on every single trip that you take you are always discussing your business and ways to improve it. They will never understand that you have to work extra hard NOT to talk about work when you’re on vacation so that you can actually relax. They will never understand all of the games that you missed of your kids, they will never understand all of the sacrifices that you made so that your dream could come true. That is what owning your own business is all about. Your dreams coming true and working so hard to make that happen.

The more I get out and about the more I figure out that there are more and more businesses that I didn’t even know about. So, this is why I felt that this was such an important task. I am amazed at how it has grown and how many people are excited about it I can’t wait!

I hope that those who are local will give a shout out of support to these local businesses. It really means so much to all of the small business owners who work so hard and have families to support.

Also remember that small businesses put money and time and energy into our communities by working hard and supporting local charities as well. It is a win-win situation to support local businesses.

Oh friends, this week has been so very tiring, but oh soo good.

Today, I embraced my role at my store…the energy today was amazing. If I could have bottled it up I would have.

I believe that there are many people who aren’t living up to their potential. I believe they are doing so, because they do not know what their potential is. I must tell you that I’m still figuring this out…I’m learning how to swim. However, I can say that once you allow people to be in charge of their roles it’s amazing the energy they give to it. Once you give them a title and they know the role they need to fulfill, they will give you their best. Once you recognize them, no matter how trivial the reward, as long as you make a big deal about it, they will work hard.

I know that when people tell me I’m doing good, when they talk about what I’ve done well…it’s so much easier to work harder, stay longer…find more ways to do better.

The most amazing part of this journey is that right now I’m finding that my new role and one of my passions is able to actually be done at the same time. One of the reasons that I didn’t want this new role, is the fact that I didn’t see that ever being able to happen. I thought I would have to give up so much for this role.

As I talked to my husband today, and the amazing transformation I was seeing right before my very eyes…I was amazed…at how something I saw as a huge disappointment, could turn into such a positive experience.

My goal in life is to spread joy….it is to be funny. I don’t like conflict. I hate long meetings. I dislike contests where the same person wins every time. I dislike those that are in charge but won’t let anyone else shine….ever. I dislike people who constantly need approval, and no matter how much you build them up….they still need more. I dislike liars who spread absolute lies with no other intention except to spread discord. I dislike those who constantly have to have the focus on themselves or their families…who can’t doe one moment allow another person to be heard. Last but not least…I hate bad coffee.

If you are a person who can’t listen to someone with empathy but instead have to end the conversation without “one upping” someone…you may want to think about changing that.

We as people, need to show compassion, give a hug (even if you are not a hugger) listen without speaking or offering advice…just listen. Do something nice without expecting to be recognized. Find something to be thankful for…it can even be a pink door you saw on your way to work. Find something nice to say to someone every day.

For those of you that know me….please know that I’m not saying I’m Pollyanna (it hurts to know that some of you reading this don’t know that name🤦🏼‍♀️) I can be a bear….I can get to the negative faster than anyone. I can say hateful words…I can be mean…I can gossip…I can do all those things…but my new position requires that I find a new way to do something.

I’m a week into that new role. The changes we have made seem like just a tweak…but today I heard from everyone how the atmosphere was electric…and for that I’m grateful.

In a team there are many parts and many players…and we all have different jobs to do. There is NOT just one important player. As sad as it is….there is truth to the expression that everyone is replaceable.

I guess my goal, would be to be the one that is irreplaceable…to be the team player that encourages, that builds up…that helps the other stand taller, feel better…and be the best they can be..

In other words….I want to make you smile. To make you feel valued…to make you feel important. To see yourself, as God sees you…a beautiful amazing masterpiece.

It has been a long year. Everyone will agree to that…we have suffered and lost more than I think we even know.

One of the hardest things we have lost is our ability to hug, touch, embrace, and really spend time with people. We have all been alone with our thoughts.

This past week I was given the go ahead to start filling my clown calendar. It is one of the many reasons why I got the Covid shot, because I wanted to be able to visit retirement homes again.

I have come up with about the goofiest character I can…and have thrown in some ridiculous things that I will add tomorrow because we have over a years worth of lost visits to make up for. I’m not sure how many friends I had gotten close to will no longer be there…so I had to come up with some ideas that will keep me in the role of clown.

It never fails…every time before I clown…there are always aggravations. Sometimes I wish I could spend the night next to where I’m gonna clown so I can wake up the next morning, have a great breakfast and get into clown and get right in…but that is not reality.

I yell at my kids, other drivers…I hate being late…and by the time I get to where I’m clowning…I’m so far from feeling funny…it’s so hard to get back into that headspace. I hope that you will say a prayer for me that tomorrow I will be in the clown frame of mind and will stay that way the entire time.

So many people wonder and scratch their heads about why I do what I do…and you are very right. There are many days that I wish I could leave it all behind….just walk away. But I can’t…I’m not complete…I can’t stop doing it…I get depressed…I feel awful in my soul when I can’t do it.

There are so many things we can do with our lives…and I’m here for all the things…but the biggest thing I want you to say when you think of me..:is that you smiled.

When you say that I make you smile…then I know that I’ve made it….

Tomorrow is the big day…I pray it goes well. I pray we laugh instead of cry…I pray we remember that “life is short…I wanna live it well.”

Some things in life we don’t care to do…sometimes life is discouraging. However, if we embrace things in a positive way…it does not change the situation, but helps us appreciate the situation.

I find myself on a new path…but I have to say I’m seeing things happening in a new light. It’s also enabling my passions to be fulfilled as well. Right now I continue to watch how it all unfolds.

Last week I went on an adventure to bring in 47….and as always…circumstances brought disappointment when I returned home…but really..:the disappointment has now disappeared and I’m excited about the changes.

Sometimes we have to climb big mountains…and sometimes what seems like debilitating news…turns into something that was meant to be. That will allow everyone to be happier and more successful and will bring peace and contentment.

Life presents challenges constantly. What I keep trying to find…seems to be constantly at a distance. This has made me pause and wonder…if perhaps that challenge kept presenting itself because I was supposed to take it over. I sometimes feel like I get things that are being almost beaten into my head before I realiZe what task I was meant to do.

I, no matter how old I get..seem to still pout and moan. My comfort zone is the sidelines. My happy place is watching quietly. I don’t always want to be in the limelight. Last night we watched a silly movie…but this one phrase kept sticking with me. “Do you feel this overwhelming sadness everyday. You feel it because you aren’t living to your true potential.”

It’s safer to sit on the sidelines….but my business needs me. It’s more comfortable not be laughed at, instead of being a great big fat clown who has to be in the spotlight…because a quiet clown is a weird clown…and no one likes that. It’s easier to go to church to listen and sing with the music, rather than actually playing in front of people. It’s easier to not visit retirement homes, and places that need joy. It’s easier to just do what we do for our families and shut the rest of the world out…but I cannot. I’m not happy when I just sit on the sidelines…my comfort zone is not my happy zone.

I have learned that sometimes I have to wait and be patient . That I can’t make opportunities happen. I have found that usually the opportunities seem to be even better and bigger than I imagined, if I just let things take care of themselves.

For now, I wait…I have let people know of the opportunities…and a few fun things are headed my way. Now to let God control the new things headed my way.

Sometimes in life there are bumps in the road..we all have had them. Many times there are huge obstacles that seem way to high to overcome. Sometimes those obstacles we get around, and then the same obstacle presents itself over and over again. We try to figure out how to fix it this way, then how to fix it that way…and we keep ending back in the same confusing obstacle.

This is when many of us give up. I know this is how I have felt. Sometimes life lessons have to be dealt with yourself. Sometimes you are the solution, sometimes you don’t want to be the solution. We want someone else to do it. Someone else to be the leader…while we sit and work and do our things.

If I could, I would pull the covers over my head and take a nice long nap…but one thing I have learned over the past three years…Gods best place for me is usually the most uncomfortable place.

I didn’t want to clown….but doors flew open for me to…it was crazy…clowning for me has been that way. When it’s time to be quiet the doors close…when it’s time to go clowning I can barely keep up.

Opportunities have always presented themselves to me with a bit of whining. Every new opportunity I have been given past the age of 30 has been met with quite the groaning.

At age 31…clowning…crying…clowning…finally acceptance. Then came a new baby and caring for four children…clowning still has a pretty big front seat. Then, I had to parent strictly for awhile…and then…the opportunities presented themselves again. Then age 43…clowning took over…and I spent my year clowning at retirement homes, UCP and youth alliance. Leading clowning classes. Being nominated for awards. It was crazy. Then Covid came. Clowning doors closed…and new opportunities presented themselves. At the age of 46…camping became the new opportunity and I whined about that….and kayaking. Then I discovered that I loved them both.

Now, I would like to try my hand at fishing. I will keep you posted on that.

Then at age 46….playing keyboard at church came along. I said no…no no no no ….and then…I just did it….and I haven’t looked back. It’s a joy and humbling to be a part of a ministry that bring people to the throne of God to worship and praise Him, to prepare them for the message. It can be overwhelming.

Now a new challenge presents itself…and I pouted(notice a theme). New opportunities can present themselves and turn into the answer that you always needed. Never quit growing…never quit trying…and never underestimate the power of turning lemons into lemonade.

I take a drive down a favorite road here in my town…and I count the blessings. There have been days lately where that has taken great effort. Right now I go day by day…and sometimes I go half days. I have a favorite house I like to drive by..it’s a cute white house with a pink door and on the door it says hello. There’s a lady that takes walks each day on this road and she sings with her hands spread out…and she doesn’t even care whose watching…she enjoys her music.

This weekend we celebrated my daughters birthday. What made the event even more special is that we had a horrible, awful very bad week last week…and I was just done in.

This time last year there were no parties..just a car caravan of sweet friends…and tears. Tears because none of us knew what the year was going to hold and I’m glad we didn’t know.

Friday night the girls didn’t want to go anywhere. They laughed and screamed and ate and watched movies and built blanket forts and it was glorious to hear. The next day was supposed to be rainy and yucky but the weather held…and we enjoyed mini golf and go karting and I can’t even remember the last time we did it!

For the first time I saw no one with a mask. Everyone outside and laughing and smiling…and I can’t remember the last time that felt so amazing .

I’m so happy to see kids being able to graduate. People having parties again…life being able to resume.

When your day seems hopeless and it all seems over…..I continue with the practice of counting the blessings.

I count the pink doors, the restaurant that now serves sweet tea. The cute dog walking down the street. The yummy taste of Hawaiian shaved ice, chocolate cake, calzones and the fun sensation of pop rocks.

I am grateful for gift baskets from friends for my daughter. Playing keyboard today with the band and enjoying every minute of it. Hugging friends…being missed…being asked to clown….those are the things that help me cope and make it through the very dark days….

The normal and happy days I used to overlook. There were many…and I thought they were owed. It’s funny, when we have it…we don’t get it…until we lose it.

I’m gonna make sure that I embrace and hold onto the happy and normal days for all they are worth.

My Heart is singing…

Today….was a normal day. It was so nice to have a normal day. We had a busy store, employees joking with one another…and it was casual Friday. Normal days I took for granted…because they were normal.

Those of us who have had gut wrenching life experiences know how long it takes to get back to “normal.” For those who finally make it back…we like those normal boring days. Even if it comes in bits and pieces

Today, is the last day my youngest will be 13…tomorrow she turns 14…and I know how fast it can go from here….

Today, my dad thought Christmas was coming…last week the day before Mother’s Day he forgot my name….these days are sad and depressing…but there are days he still has clarity.

I have a college senior and I can’t hardly believe it..I can’t believe how quickly the years have gone.

Emotions…I’m grateful for the normal days. I’m grateful for the the normal.

Some weeks are just plain exhausting. Some weeks you almost wonder if anything at all will go right. Last week, was just that kind of week.

My husband burnt his hand, my child got bit by a dog. We had a child throwing up one night, another child lost out on an opportunity at his university. The weather was crappy, employees were sick…and the list kept going on and on.

We are in a trial. A trial that has many players…many subjects. We constantly seem to be swerving…we are on pins and needles, wondering what each day will bring. The mountain seems unforgiving. It seems to mock us….but at this point I’m like how I am at mile 2 of my 3 mile journey on the rowing machine…and I’m NOT about to give in.

There are days I want to…days I want to get in the car…and drive…

Every day though….God shows up….every single day He throws me amazing blessings…things I never would have imagined. He actually amazes me daily.

Every night I go home and worry…and every day…He makes my jaw drop.

He shows off with my lilacs blooming…

He shows up with yellow doors on houses…a dog being walked by its owner. A baby being carried on the shoulders of its mother. Our park being overrun with kids playing laser tag. People playing baseball…the sound of children singing. The simple pleasures of life…that we all so easily forget.

I don’t want to forget this trial…I don’t want to forget how I reached out each day and felt secure that the God of the universe would take care of me. I don’t want to forget how I struggled to trust…but He always came through. I don’t want to stop remembering the miracles He performed almost daily….

We play this in church on Sunday….not sure I will make it through….

Miracles

“The one who made the blind to see. Is moving here in front of me.

The one who made the deaf to hear…is silencing my every fear.

I believe in you, I believe in you…the God of miracles.

The one who does impossible.

Is reaching out to make me whole. The one who put death in his place. His life is flowing through my veins.

The God who was and is to come. The power of the risen One. The God who brings the dead to life…is the God of miracles…

In 2002, I was the one lady in the room nobody wanted to be. I was the one with the husband in the casket and the girlfriends eager to show me that he loved them more than me.

I’ve been the one in the room that people have envied…when there was nothing to be envious of. I’ve been the one pointed and gossiped about….but I’ve also been the one that did the pointing at others.

It’s easy to start feeling self righteous about where we are in life…and then…we get a shock and we realize that we are not as amazing as we might think we are.

If you are over the age of 25, you probably have regrets. Regrets at how you handled something. How you lost a friendship over something stupid…how your not speaking to a relative but no one remembers why not. Or how you’ve said things in the past to someone that can’t be taken back…and everyone just has to leave with the damage that was done.

No one likes to sit in the knowledge of being the one that did the hurting. After acknowledging your wrong doing and apologizing and trying to make amends…what then?

If you are like me I’m really good at feeling unworthy pretty quickly. I have a fast temper and make quick decisions…and it doesn’t always end well.

What do you do when you know you have done wrong…how do you pick yourself back up and go again?

I think it’s important to realize that when God says He forgives you…He really does…He doesn’t bring it up over and over again to hurt you. He doesn’t want you to feel that you are worthless…a mistake or a reason that everyone would be better off without you. Everyone has has those thoughts…and they are NOT from God.

How many good deeds do I have to do to make up for bad deeds that were done? Someday when I die will everyone remember the bad things I did? How much can I do in this lifetime to make up for the bad that I did? I often sit and try to measure this…and I just can’t.

I haven’t clowned really since February 2019…and it doesn’t look like that’s gonna change any time soon. So, where would I possibly go and what would I do to “pay for my sins.”

God doesn’t work like that…He doesn’t have this scale to measure my good deeds against my bad…and I promise you….it wouldn’t matter anyway…because I would never do enough good.

Telling people your in pain. Fake smile it till you make it. Sing your songs, say your prayers boldly…and reply that everything is totally fine.

This is when Satan works his magic…when I’m tired and worn down and defeated…he tells me to just give up . Just close the door and let the pain wash all over me. Just retreat into silence…quit everything you are involved in because you simply aren’t worth it. There is someone who can do better than you.

It is not easy to admit wrong…to admit you are in need of needing forgiveness…In need of restoration. It’s not easy to admit you need help…lay it all out on the line…tell your friends your trials and your burdens. If you can’t tell them…then find new friends. There is nothing better in this world then a confidant in a friend.

Life is hard and the race can be long. Sometimes the self talk is hard to do. Sometimes you doubt yourself …sometimes the burden is too heavy…and the mountain too steep. That is when good friends matter. When they can stop and help you carry the load. When they encourage you to keep going…when they tell you that you are enough. No one can do the job that you are called to do but you.

I wish I had more time to do all the things I want to do…to perfect the skills I want to do…but for now. I’m grateful for friends that encourage me…and help carry my heavy burdens that have weighed me down for so long.

Anyone else fixate on something because they just know it is true…to find out that they are completely and totally wrong?

It makes me soo mad that I fall in this trap over and over again! It just never ever fails! I was just soo sure I was right…that I was being perceived in a certain way, that I in no way was being perceived! I fretted about it all day long!

What is it about me that makes me think that every single good thing should be withheld from me? Why do I think I don’t deserve good things? Why am I always in fear that anything good given to me will be taken away?

My background always comes out…my childhood always sneaks up behind me…and I am far from being a child.🥴.

Teachers told me growing up that I wasn’t worthy. That I wasn’t smart…that I would never accomplish anything…that I would never succeed…and I still buy their lies all these years later.

God doesn’t make junk…He doesn’t make mistakes…but I always think that applies to everyone else but myself. I can’t possibly do such and such as well because I’m not as talented…or as skinny…or as tall…or as gifted.

Social media has made this even harder…where we judge our squares. Some women deal with this by lashing out at others because they feel inferior. Others internalize it…and I believe that most of us now are more unhappy than we ever were.

I am who I am.

Today, My day went like this….

Went to the local grocery store to get my Dad balloons and lemon pie and a big cookie that my daughter promptly dropped 🥴 thank heavens for plastic containers. However, my Dad was pleased…

My daughter suggested a Beta Fish which went over well….and we of course brought him his favorite…lemon pie!

Then, the conversation turned to him deciding on burial plots…and I calmly went through the process and how we should proceed…and inside I’m screaming “don’t cry….don’t cry.”

Even though today was my day “off” I answered 20 texts (not exaggerating) and several phone calls…conquered the gym…and cleaned my disaster of a house.

The rain coming down….my heart ♥️ in a million pieces….and that’s when the doubt comes in.

The fear that I don’t have what it takes…that I won’t ever be enough….and I sat there in that doubt all day. Convinced myself of how the world sees me…and would not listen to anything that made logical sense.

God has given you the tools to be what He wants you to be. No matter if you don’t hear good job, or way to go…or anything positive….just know…that you are enough.

When I get on that rowing machine and I see perfectly fit people…and then there’s me…I want to quit. When I see people more talented (like my husband) in all the things he does…I want to stop trying. I just want to withdraw from everyone….and just be….alone. That’s the most dangerous place that I can be…is alone…with my thoughts.

Every time I realize I’m wrong I get frustrated with the fact that I was even here in the first place. EVERY SINGLE TIME

God is a good God…who wants me to have good things and good friends.

I hope that someday I can accept the good things that come my way and not think there are strings attached or that I’m not worthy of anything good…