The Reluctant Red Nose

I’ve been reading the book “Girl, Wash Your face.” By Rachel Hollis. If you haven’t read it, I would highly recommend (after your done reading my blog post) that you would go out and read it…if your cheap like me…you can even find it at your local library.

I have found that when I go through great trials…God normally send me little signs that He’s with me…because even though I KNOW He is…He gets that I don’t always FEEL that way.

The book. Turns out was a godsend. I had ordered it in January …but the wait list was long…since I haven’t been able to get my hands on it until now….but it was perfect timing!

If you’ve ever been a person that decided to start devoting your time and energy to others…and given secretly and sacrifically…and just had all that thrown back in your face…you understand the week that I have had.

Oh my lists of complaints and hurts can be told to you for several hours…but honestly…no one wants to hear that.

There are ugly parts of my story…that I wish were not a part of my life. But there’s a reason I get “single moms” and women who have been cheated on. I hate what pornography does to a family…because I’ve had a front row seat to it. I have sat in the car at the cemetery, and watched my son ask the heavens why He took his Daddy…I’ve also sat in the car while he screamed…and now…he speaks quietly at his dads graveside.

I’ve been accused of more things that are untrue than true…even after I paid off bills I didn’t have to…and paid off a headstone that I should not have had the burden of.

I’ve had women who cheated with my husband laugh at me and tell me they knew why he left me….and I can’t even tell you how long it took me to get back up again after that…but you know what?

Every single nasty thing that has been said to me, or about me…I’ve never been alone. I’ve never been the only woman who has gone through that…I’ve never been the only single mom raising a baby, and I’ve most certainly never been the only one that can’t claim a million mistakes that she’s made.

I will tell you that I know lots of women who stay down…they don’t rise back up. They raise children who believe they are owed something from this world…and they are angry about it.

I canNOT change what has been done to me in the past…in the present…or in the future. I can count my blessings…and I can keep trudging forward…giving back to those I’m told to give to.

Two weeks ago…I was done…but God placed “encouragers” in my life…I received phone calls, texts, flowers, and a great deal of TLC from my husband….because life is hard and sometimes unbearable…but we are not made to go at it alone….even though it feels so much safer.

I don’t want to come out of hiding…but I know I’m not made to stay in the “dark place” that I have been in.

There is a lot of living to do….and this week as I drove through town so utterly heartbroken…and mad at the world…I literally had to start making a mental list of the good things, and I was in such a deep dark place they were like things I could see…sun shining, flowers blooming, that house has a pink door, the lady at Starbucks smiled at me, that person driving let someone in….I’m not kidding…this has been my exercises for the last few days….nothing else would register in my brain.

What would this world be like…if we looked at others the way others have looked at me this week….as a 911 event.

Smile at the cashier…put your phone down…say thank you to the person waiting on you. Pick up the trash, help out at a charity…do it…because.

There are so many people like me….but Unlike me they may not have “encouragers” you May be it….so go do it…be it…we all need it!

The other day, we had a big promotion at our store. I wanted to get kids excited about gems…and my husband had wanted a way to give them away to kids…with Easter coming, I thought that would be a GRAND idea (and it was).

We had a large crowd, gave out donuts shaped like carrots…and I was dressed as the Easter Bunny (not my fav gig if I’m being honest) and persuaded another employee to be my sidekick carrot. The day was glorious, busy, and fun…and for the most part…the children enjoyed it (there are always those that scream ☹️)

I was perfectly fine, until a little boy who was 18 months old came in. He was dressed like I had dressed my son back then…built like him when he was that age…and I just sort of lost it…right there in that bunny suit. No way to wipe my tears…just had to deal with it.

So many people grieve when their kids leave home for the first time, when they start college….then there are the rest of us….who are happy to see them go…because, let’s face it…raising a senior boy is the hardest job in the world…so not kidding!

My first tears came when he no longer was interested in Star Wars, and put away his figures…and his Playmobile. When he started growing taller than me….when I realized he was stronger than me.

When I had to send him out in the cold snow to shovel with his dad…when he had to learn to mow and I had to let him. When his voice changed and there was a man walking all over the house. When he was to big to carry to bed…when he no longer wanted to go dig for worms and ride his scooter….when he went to Boy Scout camp year after year and had to learn to deal with the extremes of weather.

I didn’t cry this past Saturday because my son wasn’t coming home for Easter….I cried because the little boy who held my hand and said “I love you Mommy.” is gone. I cried because he won’t ever sit on my lap again, or let me read bedtime stories, while I stroke his hair and kiss the top of his head…instead right now, we are still in the stage of…learning to grow up…learning what his parents “owe” him…and what he needs to do himself.

Now, there are other women in his life that he listens to…and other advice he seeks. My advice is now…not important…..and ready to do without. He calls me when his finger is bleeding…when he’s sick…and calls his Dad for the good stuff…for advice…and I’m just the “food maker”.

Will it always be this way? Nope! It will not be….maturity is coming….and lots of life’s lessons that I can’t protect him from.

I can’t open his bedroom door, and see him sleeping and breathe a sigh of relief because he’s safely tucked in bed….instead, I have to hope and pray…that some of what I taught him, he remembers….and that he will someday realize…that this Mom wasn’t always perfect….but she loved her boy…more than he will ever know.

This is the first year ever, in my entire marriage…that there will only be one child here…and it has me…just…kind of sad.

I remember the days of finding outfits for my kids to coordinate. I remember wondering what our Midwest weather would bring us. I remember Easter always smelling of..ham…and Cadbury eggs. I remember the yelling of whoever got the prized egg with $5 in it…and how they proclaimed to be king or queen for the day:

I remember how our children would adore ham and cheesy potatoes…how the eldest two would perfect deviled eggs with their dad…how we had to take Easter candy away.

How hard it was to get the perfect Easter picture. How exhausting it was to keep everyone clean on the way to church and the way home…and how everyone breathed a sigh of relief after pictures were taken.

I remember how snow fell last year and we had to have our egg hunt inside…how extra kids were here for the day…how the house was so loud…but it was so good!

I remember how my parents would complain about how rich my food was…and how I always got my dad a chocolate something or other.

I remember Easter egg dying…but this year my youngest isn’t interested because she doesn’t want to do it alone for the first time in her life…she doesn’t want to go on our yearly Easter egg hunt at home…because she will be by herself…and I can’t help but agree with her.

I don’t know why it went so fast…and even though I saw it coming…I really didn’t grasp it.

Sunday morning at church won’t be the same…because there will only be one girl standing with us…and even though there isn’t a thing I can do about it…I feel kind of …well I feel I got jipped.

Just when I remembered who liked peeps and who didn’t…it was all over. Just when I had figured out how to tell them they didn’t “match” just “coordinated”. Just when I found the perfect places to hide the eggs…the perfect way to dye the eggs…just when I remembered the vinegar. Just when I figured out Easter outfits that fit the Midwest spring…it’s over.

The Easter we knew…if officially over…and now I have to come up with new traditions for my youngest…to make her last seven Easter’s with us “old folks” fun, instead of lonely…and I’m up to the task…but right now…I won’t lie…this Easter hurts.

Your kids usually come home for Thanksgiving and Christmas…usually you see them around the 4th….but Easter…Easter is hurting very bad right now…and I’m about to lose it.

So, Dear Momma of four littles, your self worth is not in how great your kids look on Easter Sunday…or how great your pictures look…it doesn’t even matter if they coordinate or not. It doesn’t matter how eco friendly their Easter baskets are…or how many Easter eggs hunts you went on…it just matters…that no matter how old they get…that on Easter…they at least WANT to come home….

For all of you Mommas that are in the same boat with me…after I chase after my daughter for her last big girl Easter egg hunt…I’m taking the pictures with me in them…I’m soaking up the egg decorating…and I just might get a nap this year.

Enjoy your holiday friends’

Lately, I’ve been playing on my Pandora list…80s pop…which lately…have been given me just about all the “feels”. Growing up in a very strict environment…where this “rock music” was told to me and my friends…would cause a heart attack (due to the beat…or something like that….I wasn’t really listening 😬) you have no idea the sense of “danger and excitement” these songs would bring us. I listen to the lyrics today…and remember my young 16 year old self…driving home to Paula Abdul as she would sing “cold hearted Snake” I mean…how many young men had broken my heart by 16…such a long and sad list. I also started singing “Hungry Eyes” to my daughter…who is 11…and could not stop laughing…but to me…these were the best songs…and we love them so much…because they take us back to a time…when life was full of such promise, and excitement! If I would have known what life would have brought me…I still would have trudged in ahead…because the good has definitely outweighed the bad .

Oh, if I could just talk to my 16 year old self…so many things would I say. Stay true to your true friends….your true friends will never let you down….you can still talk to them when your 40…when everyone else around you seems to have something mean to say..this group of girls…they will be there for you.

I would tell myself to sing the solo in choir…don’t let the other girl have it. Try out for the play…don’t just work sound, because that’s all you think you can do. Just because the speech teacher doesn’t like you…ignore her…your better than she thinks you are. Also….go tear apart that piano solo…don’t be afraid to win….but that is not what I did…I let other people go ahead…I let other people win…I gave in…I gave up…I let go…because…not trying was easier…than not winning.

I would tell myself…those boys that broke my heart…they weren’t right for me…that the man for me was older…and lived over an hour away…and he wasn’t ready for me yet…and I wasn’t ready for him either.

I would tell myself that teachers and professors in college who told me that I wasn’t smart enough…were wrong…and I proved that to them at graduation. I would also tell myself that Jesus doesn’t judge us by our lofty prayers, or how self righteous and judgmental we can be of others…He looks at your heart…and I believe He held my hand all through high school and college…and even when I decided that living wasn’t really a thing I was for…and tried to slowly kill my self with an eating disorder…He still held my hand…and told me I was worthy.

Isn’t that what we all want to hear? That we are worthy…that we are worth it? That we matter? No one wants to hear that they are bad and horrible and have no way of changing…no one wants to hear that they are unloveable…that they are not worth loving.

Have you ever been cheated on by a spouse? Have you ever been told you were “just friends, and never should have married?” Have you ever been told that you were not good enough for your husband? That he chose another over you? Do you know what that does to you? It makes you feel empty…unworthy…and like trash. It makes you want to hide from the world…it makes you angry…and it hurts more than any hurt you can imagine. You have a stain on you that the whole world can see…that says…”I wasn’t good enough for my husband…after having me…he chose another.”

Do you know what it’s like to tell your almost three year old son that his Daddy died? That he’s not coming back? That you have to bury him? All of these things…they are written…in my past…and in the past…they will stay.

Do you know what it’s like…to sit before the throne of grace…and beg God to fix your completely broken life? Not that you broke it…it seems everyone you invested in…broke it for you…and your left with pieces…sharp pieces…that won’t fit into any puzzle…they just seem to grow more and more disorganized. In the beginning, we try to put it back together…but the more we try to glue it, the more we jumble it…and it just becomes a wet, sticky mess…that we cannot make any peace with it..or figure out any new paths to take.

The older I become…the more the puzzle makes sense. I can see where he saved my son and I from a horrible fate. I can see where the town, the man, the husband, the dad, the new family he gave me…gave me new life. I can see where I am now able to influence…and paths of those I meet…and the exciting adventures we go on.:.I see…I see, where it’s starting to make sense.

When I was 16…I believed in fairy tales…Prince Charming…coming to rescue me…and that’s not how it worked out…I had to rescue myself first…and then…everything started to change.

Fairy Tales do not exist…perfect men are not possible…and neither are perfect women.

Oh, if I could go back to 16….I would change relationships…I would get rid of the ones that were self serving…and hold onto the others…that were real and true. I would make amends to those that were sorry…and I would be more kind…less temperamental. I would pay attention in class more…ignore the administration that thought I was unworthy. I would not accept the lies from leaders telling me I was worthless…and ungodly. I would listen to all the rock music…wear the shorts, go to the movies, kiss my boyfriend…and go mixed swimming 🤦🏼‍♀️ I would go to more concerts and less time trying to please impossible people.

I would be friends with the people who are still close to me today…without making them wait ten years…to see if someone cooler comes along….but I can’t go back and change time…so for now…I do the things I wish I would have done years ago…I keep trying to make people…..

Smile….and laugh…and be inspired. I will rise to the challenge of Hospital clowning one day…I will be the best mother, wife, VP of our store, and best clown I can be. I will look past your exterior…and vow to be a person who judges by hearts ♥️.

May we all be better humans…and look at our fellowman as someone who we can make their lives better…instead of a waste of space…

The first time I heard his heartbeat…I was alone….and started to cry. There was life inside of me….and I had created something amazing.

I didn’t drink caffeine, take medicine for headaches…followed the rules…delivered my perfect baby boy…and kissed his sweet cheeks…and life was never ever the same.

I hated being away from him…cried at work when I had to go back and be away…worried about him…went without.

I learned what it was like to sleep by a sweet little soul that had thrown up all night…learned what it was like to worry about his fever…and know that I was responsible for remembering how long ago I gave him meds. It was up to me to take him to the doctor, pay those bills…make sure he was clean…make sure he was fed….and make sure he had clothes and shoes…he was real..:wasn’t a doll.

I remember paying for preschool and daycare…car seats and snacks…and hair and nails…were never so unimportant. I remember getting him Bubble bath…in his favorite Woody the Cowboy character…and then watching him scream to “get the bubbles off”. He was the reason I went to work, the reason I didn’t give up…the reason I existed.

I now have gone through more children…more responsibilities…and I can say that the task has not grown easier…we as women…carry a lot.

I used to look forward to the weekends…but now…I feel…it’s a trap. Lots more work…lots more mess…just at warp speed.::and everyone seems to be having an awesome time…but me…so…I felt a change was in order.

When I get up in the morning…it usually goes a lot like every other mother on the planet, and my sarcastic running commentary while I drink coffee from the amazing magic bean can be overheard to go something like this:

“Aahhh toilet paper…I remain the only superhero who is able to conquer you…aka change the roll on this difficult apparatus.”

” let me feed the animals…before they all completely die!”

” oh dishes in the sink…how I’ve missed you!”

“Towels on the floor…why yes of course…these hard to use knobs all over the bathroom, are extremely difficult to place the towel on….since their hands must all be broken!”

” clothes on the floor! My favorite !”

“Dirty clothes by the hamper? Why yes…this makes sense.”

We’ve all been there.::by the time my coffee is half gone…I’ve become a muttering woman shouting to myself that if I died tomorrow…it would take them years to figure out how to do it right!”

I used to conquer my morning routine this way….and by the time we started school…I was barking at everyone…dog included. If you we’re not picking up after yourself…you were part of the problem…so keep on moving!

The problem was…my house was clean and tidy…..and everyone was miserable.

My house is still clean and tidy…but everyone is no longer miserable.

I changed my perspective…I put new rules in place…I looked at my role differently..:and some this will make you mad…and others…will probably agree with me.

I believe my job is to make my home a soft place to land. It should be filled with clean laundry and happy pets. Warm candlelight and EO scents. It should have good food, and clean floors, it should make you smile with things you read and how you feel. It should be your hug from the world…your safe haven. It should be a place of cozy, a place of beauty, of familiarity, of joy. It should be a place you dream about when your away from it…a place of smells that bring you immediately to the greatest security of your childhood.

With three of my children out of the home…I find that memories is what brings them back. Pictures of their childhood, favorites dishes that I made…favorite blankets..:favorite smells. They should have favorite pillows and comfy beds that they miss. There should be security in familiarity…where the cereal is, shower stuff, laundry room to wash their clothes…all of those things that give you that comfort.

After I started realizing that this is what makes your children return…makes them want to take a break and find refuge at home…I tried to change some things…don’t get me wrong…once your kids move out…they shouldn’t return…but I’m talking about vacations, summer breaks…etc.

I then realized, it should be a place that my husband can come and relax in…and that means…making some adjustments. I haven’t done this perfectly…but I’ve made some attempts. Your husband should feel that he lives there. That your house is not a museum and we don’t touch or use anything. You should find a place for his things that you both agree on…he should feel that he lives there. He will not understand your throw pillow formation…or the perfect indentation at the top of the pillow…do not even attempt to explain it. Also, when he makes the bed and he puts your no less than seven throw pillows at a strange and foreign to you pattern…and the throw blanket in a way that could never really be how you leave it…do NOT move it…even if it kills you…just walk away. Same goes for when he folds the laundry…..enjoy the fact that he helped and move on..:because if you have to redo all he just did…then get ready to do it that way for the rest of your life….alone…and tired.

I am not saying become a doormat…your children should help and learn responsibilities….but we have kids now who have never eaten dinner at the table with their families??? This must change! We cannot be too busy that we can’t do that! They don’t know how to do Laundry at college…or wash dishes or iron clothes…so please do not misunderstand what I am saying…I want to create a wonderful atmosphere for my family…but they must understand how that comes about…

I guarantee…my life is a lot more busy than my mother’s life was…my demands are great…but so are the demands of your children and spouse…and as the mom…it is our duty to make our home a soft place for everyone to land…including ourselves…what makes you happy? What Brings you joy?

This week…I’ve decided to go through all my fragrances that I already have for soapmaking and see how many different kinds of soap I can make. I’m trying to get as far as possible on my gem study…so that I can be done before a new school year starts. I want to bake and cook more with my daughter…travel more…expand my clowning…but what do I have to do to make all those things happen??? Constant adjusting of schedules…saying no…or yes…to things we don’t normally do…taking a day off when we haven’t in months…feeling the tightening of our throats because we have so many decisions and things to do we can’t possibly do…all of these things…

Sometimes…becoming selfish…is what really makes us unselfish…and is able to fill our tanks…right now for me it’s soapmaking…and teaching clown class…and clowning…and doing silly things for kids in our community…and it’s how I fill up my selfish meter…it’s how I give back to myself…so I can love on those that I live with…what say you? What do you do???

What is Hygge? Well, honestly…I didn’t know either until I started reading the book about it.

Long story short…it’s about creating an atmosphere in your home…through light, presence, pleasure, equality, gratitude, harmony, comfort, truce, togetherness and shelter.

I have been on a long journey…and I feel that I still have so far to go. Around four years ago…I started “One Thousand Gifts” by Ann Voskamp…and it was life changing. I started focusing on a ministry that would bring joy and laughter to each person I came into contact with. I learned to make homemade soaps…creating a product that brings simplicity and beauty as an art form, in an everyday product. I started learning to cook more…inviting more into our home…creating an atmosphere of warmth, love, and good food…and hopefully fun.

Then, I listened to the “ugly” of the world…the negativity…the hateful jealousies….and I became someone I didn’t like.

Our pastor on Sunday…told us to pray for our enemies…pray for those that lie about us…and hurt us….and I could barely bring myself to say the names of those who have done so much to hurt me…for absolutely no reason but jealously.

The truth is, I don’t want to be a person that doesn’t laugh…doesn’t love…doesn’t share gifts…because of those that do evil.. I don’t want to be in a prison…because they put me there. Prison is not allowing yourself to let others love you…ask for help…and dare to let people realize…this really is who you are.

I teach clown classes at our local homeschool co-op. I honestly thought this would be a disaster…that I would have like two kids and they would just sit there and say how lame I am….but really, they have been a balm to my soul. There is nothing greater than laughter…nothing better than children telling you your important…and they they love your class…I have no idea why I needed to hear it so much…but every week for five weeks…this is what they have said to me…no matter the mistakes (they rarely pointed them out) no matter what…they just said each week how much they loved my class and our co-op…and I realized…encouraging words….and loving hearts…and a pure sense of love…is what children possess. It’s we as adults that ruin that for them….

Oh I’ve been beat up…I’ve had terrible things done to me…said about me…and the cabin in the woods…on a desolate mountain…where only the UPS driver and internet can find me…is not the life that God wants me to live….

I argued with God on Sunday…had a private conversation with my pastor in my head as well…telling both of them…I’ve been through enough…like…35 years man…what more can you all want?

Happiness doesn’t come from isolation…oh don’t get me wrong…we all need vacations…and time away. Massages and facials and special “spa” days…do help me become a better Mom…but I can’t do that everyday…that would make me spoiled…and ungrateful.

We as humans, are meant to be together. We are social beings…we NEED one another.

The beauty of homeschool co-op? Conversations with other homeschool moms…and our frustrations.

I find great encouragement from moms whose children are away at college…as moms find encouragement from me with three adult children. The good, the bad, and the ugly….all helpful.

Today, I invite you…come back out and try again…say no to those that hurt you…and know that not all humans are horrible humans.

I tell myself…I will be hurt again…but God will have to fight for me…because I am no good by myself…and it took a small class of the sweetest little clowns…to give me the courage to try once again…

Don’t let the mean girls win…the good girls need you…join me!

Today is Woman’s Day…or whatever that means? Is there a Man Day? The whole thing seems weird…but nevertheless…I am a woman hear me roar!😬

Today and everyday…I feel like I’m getting smaller…my voice is being drowned out…and I’m not sure anyone can hear me…or anyone else for that matter.

There are actually classes on how to grow your Instagram…and even though for my business, I follow this advice…for just my amusement and decorating Instagram…I will always remain almost laughably small. I don’t have a huge following…and I probably never will. There are people with over 100,000 followers…I can’t even imagine…I get annoyed at texts I receive from people I know…much less total strangers.

My blog has a few followers, my Twitter account…I haven’t even checked my Snapchat…and my Pinterest has followers and I have no idea why…and I think most of us have the exact same problem.

It doesn’t matter if a ton of people read my blog…get inspired by my posts, ever get to experience clowning around with me…or witness me in action…it only matters to those that God has put right in front of me.

Did I bless strangers that came into my store for the first time? Did I bless the workers and people at the charities I attend? Did I bless my family? My employees? When I walk into a room, do people groan…or do they smile?

We as women are powerful and amazing. Many of us juggle things that to outsiders seem impossible. Many of us have had life run us over and then back the truck up and run back over us. Many of us have sacrificed so much, to have our children throw it back in our faces and blame us for all that has gone wrong in our lives.

Many of us cook dinner each night…with no thank you’s…no…it’s good…nothing. We clean the house, pay the bills…do the shopping, make sure the animals that live in our houses don’t die…figure out if the kids shoes even fit…our lists are endless.

Then on top of all that…we surround ourselves with social media where everyone has perfect this…and a pantry as big as my bedroom….they even walk around their mansions showing us their messy houses…telling us how imperfect they are…and I’m like.::oh dear…can you imagine all the nasty messages they just get to make them think they need to show us that? We are so ridiculously hard on one another.

I have a blue sink in my house…I didn’t choose it:.: I don’t like it…but I used to feel the need to tell everyone coming into my house about that spare bath sink??? Why??? I plan on replacing it…but haven’t seen anything that I love yet.

The point is…what do the people in your house think of you?

What makes you the happiest?

How about we all quit trying to be amazing to the whole world…and just ❤️ on our family…our community…those we work with…

What would that feel like?

This time seven years ago…all in the same week…my grandmother died, my husbands mother died, and my dad had a heart attack.

I will never ever forget many things that occurred in the room where my mother n law went to be with Jesus. I can still hear my sister n law, whisper to her mother…”thanks for being my mom.” My sister n law…always…knows just what to say…just at the right moment…and she knew she didn’t have a lot of time…but that’s what she wanted her mother to know…for always…until we meet again.

I know a lot of people right now…who have been given a sentence…where they have an idea of when they are going…and it’s sooner than they would like.

I had a dream the other day…that I went to the doctor…alone…and received the same news as so many have…and what my reaction would be….

I’ve thought about it a lot as I have watched two sisters battle breast cancer, and another have numerous visits with her doctor over biopsies….and I think everyone has a different response.

I would like to think that I would just get in my car and drive…drive to the nearest Starbucks and grab my favorite drink…my favorite dessert…go spend the money on a purse I wanted…or go eat a juicy steak…I would like to think, I would grab my husband and family and grab our passports and go and see things we’ve never seen. I think I would wait to tell them…so that everyone wouldn’t look at me with “that look”….ugh…I hate that look of pity.

I would like to think I would plan a reunion with old friends that I haven’t seen in 20 years…and new friends that I haven’t seen in a few years. I would like to think I would have lots of coffee dates and lunch dates.

I would like to think I would spend days and days with my daughter and whisper in her ear all the things I wish I would have known.

Hug my son close and tell him how much he means to me…and make him really hear it.

Sit with my husband and let him finish his songs that he’s been writing for years…and listen to each and every one of them.

I would like to think that I could go and clown at all the places I ❤️ to clown at…as many times as I could.

I wish that I could sit with my sisters…and my nieces and nephews…and just talk…and listen to their laughter…and really…their screaming😬😬😬😬.

I would like to dance with my husband…and not care how stupid I look…wear a sleeveless dress without making one comment about the shape of my arms…

I would like to sit by the beach and hear the ocean waves…and the seagulls…and not worry about getting a sunburn.

I would like to listen to all my favorite songs without having to listen to someone else’s favorite songs 😬😬😬. I would like control of the remote…and a self cleaning kitchen.

I would like to carefully speak my words, instead of speaking them in anger…and leaving others with that as the last thought of me.

I would like to not be forgotten…to be remembered for laughter…for thoughtfulness…for love….and most importantly, that everyone that knew me…knew that I mattered to them….

And so today…and all the days…I will do my best…to make that list a reality.

I sat in church today…in a bad mood. It’s freezing…like seriously….it’s actually -13. The roads were not really great…and I just wanted to be home. I had no desire to be there at all….you know…exactly how Jesus wants us😬😬😬😬.

I was annoyed because I wanted to clown today for an organization that I ❤️❤️❤️ but carrying all my stuff in clown in -13 weather and imagining having an accident in clown was a little to risky for me…I even bought new tights that now I don’t get to wear ☹️☹️☹️☹️.

I was annoyed because our child didn’t act the best this morning…and starting off the morning like that is all I can handle🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️.

I was just annoyed.

Then…like magic…a long time customer of ours who doesn’t normally attend the service we do…gave me and my husband a big smile and a big hug…telling us she was happy to see us both…I mean…how can you be grumpy after that???

Then we came home to see that our neighbor had snow plowed our driveway…because…he’s basically a saint…and did I mention…it’s -13 out???

I was in a bad mood because my husband and I were supposed to have a relaxing weekend away…and instead it was a weekend of irritations…that go with owning your own business…but seriously…my phone and his phone rang constantly….and honestly…we only wanted 24 hours of peace…but it wasn’t about to happen.

Those waves of darkness that sweep over me…are more constant than ever before…sisters fighting breast cancer. Me wondering, if it’s coming for me. My parents health will be good one day and not the next…worrying about adult children and their choices…and I just want to sit down and take a long nap…but sleep won’t come.

I have run out of ideas…but grateful for the gifts I kept counting. Years ago, I read a life changing book called “One Thousand Gifts” by Ann Voskamp. It’s my absolute favorite book. When life seems unbearable…or just depressing, count the gifts around you…

Yesterday:

1. Amazing sale in chair and shoes we had been looking at for my husband.

2. Incredible service at the restaurants we ate at.

3. Fabulous nights sleep at the Elms hotel.

4. Fun ghost tour led by a talented guide.

5. Warm chocolate brownies.

6. Yummy chicken my husband made.

7. Good deals I found for a upcoming business trip…..and….the list keeps going.

I feel the pull of the negative weight…even though the snow doesn’t bother me…this crazy cold temps do.

My car is so disgusting inside…I think I heard it crying…I know you all feel the same.

I keep decorating with spring decor…but still…I find myself falling apart with the littlest thing….

I’ve had a beach towel stuck to my back door for three months….because I have to either wipe off mud or snow from my dog when he comes back in…and I say to you all…I’m going on empty….so so empty.

So I’m reminding myself to write down the gifts….and to keep coming up with ideas to make people smile…and I keep on trying….

I remember the days when both my kids were home all day and we were the typical homeschool family.

My days were filled with markers, baking, cleaning, laundry…naps…and checking off work for my elementary son and helping my daughter trace letters.

Today, I balance…homeschooling one last child, work, employees, college kids calling for advice, charity work…and being involved with various co-ops for homeschooling…to say I feel like I’m not enough would be an understatement.

Perhaps it’s wisdom that has come in my middle age…or the fact that I see life differently….but at this point in my life…this is how I’m approaching it….

Perfection…what level is today supposed to be? If I’m at home…is it…no dust, all papers graded…new home improvement projects all done…amazing dinner completed…and house sparkling? Or is it..crying through math, ordered pizza, laundry not done…dog threw up on the rug kind of day?

If I’m at work…is it my employees got everything done needed, my store looks amaze balls…and every customer walked out so happy they were screaming with delight…or is it…all hands on deck because an employee called in sick…and we are having to work over what we were supposed to, do here’s some Ice cream to help us through kind of day?

Sometimes…I do charity work and things go wrong…last Friday…the button was missing on my clown pants😱 not a big deal you say? Perhaps not…but when your working with special needs people…they notice everything!!!!

I had a small meltdown….and then I realized….go do what your called to do…and thank heavens for safety pins.

When I die…perfection will NOT be what they say….

Probably a side of sass…with some fun…and a whole lot of bad attitude…will probably be what they say…

And…

I hope I made people smile….my children proud and decent humans…

And I hope I made people feel special…

I pray my husband felt loved…and cherished. I hope my children felt important and nourished in love for them. I hope they saw me serve…even when no one recognized it…they saw me try and help…when no one was watching…they saw me keep going…when people spoke evil of me.

I hope those that I served knew I was being genuine. That it wasn’t about who saw me…but I was there for them. I hope they knew….

That sometimes, I laid awake, trying to think of what would make them smile…how I could reach those that needed reaching.

I hope my students knew that their passion for clowning…encourages me more than they could ever know…and that “imitation , is the most sincere form of flattery “😘😍

I hope that when people met me they thought….she is kind…she is a nice human being. I hope they don’t look at me and think that my life has been perfect.

I wish my red nose didn’t mean the world to me like it does…but it’s a part of me…the imperfect side…the side that needs to be let out

Whatever your passion is in life…remember you can’t do it all…there are seasons to life…and you’ve got to learn what can give a little…and what can’t…the dust, the vacuuming…can give a little I promise….

Go be you…and give the world a big dose of you!